WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, TONY HAWKS and DAVE GORMAN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 6 August 2007)
NOTE: Dave Gorman's first appearance.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!
NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world. But also to welcome to the programme four intelligent, talented players of the game. And they are, seated on my right, one of the stalwart players of the show, that outstanding comedian Paul Merton. And seated beside him we have our veteran player of the game, that�s Clement Freud. And seated on my left, we have another fine comedian who is quite a regular player, a comedian and a writer as well, that is Tony Hawks. And seated beside him, someone who has never played the game before, a virgin of Just A Minute.
CRIES OF "AWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Awww! He's got their sympathy already, it's a pleasure to welcome Dave Gorman. Would you please welcome all four of them! Thank you, thank you. Beside me sits Trudi Stevens, she is going to help me keep the score, and she will also blow a whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the recently refurbished Radio Theatre in the heart of Broadcasting House. And we have a magnificent audience in front of us. We'll start the show with Paul Merton. Paul, the subject is radio times. How apt for the new refurbished Radio Theatre. Would you speak on that subject, 60 seconds as usual starting now.
PAUL MERTON: I would like to apologise, first of all, for the late running of this radio recording. That is because I left my keys in a black cab and we phoned the driver and he's got them. But he also asked for my address so I've got a feeling that by the time this show is over there'll be nothing left when I get home. This building has seen some remarkable radio shows over the years. It's That Man Again starring Tommy Handley was produced here in the 1940s with the Royal attendance of King George and the woman he married, Queen Mary probably. Or was she a boat?
NP: Right and Clement you've challenged.
CLEMENT FREUD: Ah definitely.
NP: Definitely not probably.
PM: It might not have been her.
NP: So what are you challenging on within the rules of Just A Minute?
CF: Ah not hesitation.
CF: What are the other...
NP: Possible deviation.
NP: Devolution, no.
NP: Inaccuracy but I don't think he was, strictly speaking, deviating from the subject. He said possibly married to her and she was married. So Paul you carry on and you've got 35 seconds starting now.
PM: The Radio Times is an august publication, but it also comes out during the other 11 months of the year as well. It was first produced in 1932 and the cover star was the young...
NP: Ah that is Tony, you�ve challenged.
TONY HAWKS: Repetition of 19.
NP: Yes you had 19 before, yes. Well listened Tony so you're going to talk about radio times, you have 26 seconds available and your time starts now.
TH: I've always thought it's entirely wrong that they put the TV listings in the Radio Times. It's not right, it's the same as when you go to Radio Rentals, you can't rent one of those in there. But this is the sort of thing that goes on in this country and it must stop. And if an august publication like the Radio Times can't get it right, honestly where and how are we going to do this? Now having said all that...
NP: Paul I think it was your light, what is your challenge?
PM: I think Tony's sort of rather wandered off the subject and even by the bemused look on his face, he no longer believed what he was saying.
NP: He had a bemused look on his face.
PM: Did he?
NP: I must explain that because...
CF: That's repetition then.
NP: Yes but he didn't actually, he didn't actually deviate from the subject of radio times. So you have an incorrect challenge, you get a point for that of course Tony, you keep the subject, you've got three seconds available starting now.
TH: There's nothing I like more of an evening but to go home and...
NP: Wait a minute, Clement has challenged.
CF: Repetition of nothing.
CF: Yeah he said nothing before.
NP: There was nothing. Clement you've cleverly got in with one second to go, one second Clement on radio times starting now.
CF: I used to write...
NP: Ah Dave Gorman you challenged.
DAVE GORMAN: Mainly I just wanted to see if my microphone worked, my buzzer works. I wanted to say something during the first game.
NP: And you've said it, we give you a bonus point for that. Because the audience enjoyed hearing from you and thank you for establishing your presence, well done! Clement you've got half a second on radio times starting now.
CF: Radio times.
NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was of course Clement Freud. And he gets one because he was interrupted there so it's three yes, he's in the lead here. Strong lead, three points, who cares about the points? Tony Hawks is second. Clement will you take the next round, or at least start the next round. The subject now is the wrong note. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
CF: It is quite difficult for me to talk about a wrong note, because I am tone dumb. In view of which and because so many people have had a rotten time because of the weather, let us have a one minute silence.
PM: Starting from when? Have you started? Have you started?
NP: Yes he's started. But Tony couldn't resist it, you challenged Tony.
TH: Ah repetition of because.
NP: Oh! So you respected the one minute silence but you couldn't let a repetition go by. Tony, correct challenge, 46 seconds are available, tell us something about the wrong note starting now.
TH: Don't give someone a fiver if you owe them a tenner, because you will be giving them the wrong note. This is...
NP: Paul your challenge yes.
PM: Yes well it's not necessarily the wrong note, you could be paying off 50 percent of your debt. They're not going to turn it down, are they. It's not the wrong note, it's a contributory note, it's not a wrong note. It's not like a doctor's note, here's that 10 quid I owe you, look, take it to the chemist and you'll get a bottle of medicine for it. It's not that sort of note.
NP: No I think actually you were being given the wrong note, because it should have been a tenner, not a fiver.
NP: Yes. So I think logically, probably Tony was correct.
PM: All right then.
NP: So you have the benefit of the doubt Tony, and you have 39 seconds still on the wrong note starting now.
TH: If you are a singer, it's advisable to try and get the right note, because the audience will be pleased by...
NP: And um Paul's challenged again.
PM: Well deviation, he is talking about the right note now, and of course he should be talking about the wrong note.
NP: I gave the benefit of the doubt to Tony that time, and you shall have it this time Paul. You have the subject, the wrong note, 34 seconds starting now.
PM: A friend of mine committed suicide but he left his shopping list as a suicide note. His last words were three pounds of potatoes...
NP: Dave you challenged.
DG: I think repetition of suicide.
PM: Yes probably.
DG: Committed suicide and left a suicide note.
NP: Committed suicide and left a suicide note.
NP: Well done, well listened Dave, you got in on the subject now and you have the suicide, no, you have the wrong note, and you have 29 seconds Dave starting now.
DG: Doe, a deer, a female one, ray, a drop of signing shun, ah...
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Signing shun? Is this a Chinese influence that is creeping into the programme?
DG: Yeah he signs for the Chinese deaf.
PM: Oh. I withdraw my challenge.
NP: I thought you were going to have him for deviation from the English language as we understand it. But you've handed it back to Dave, you can continue Dave, you have 24 seconds, the wrong note starting now.
DG: Once when I was at school, I asked my mother to give me a note to get me out of physical education. Later that day when I got to the phys ed class, I handed the note to the teacher and I think my mother had given him the...
SHOUTS OF "AWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: You've got the audience with you Dave. But Clement you challenged.
CF: Ah two mothers.
NP: Two mothers yes. One mother yes is sufficient.
DG: I have got two mothers!
NP: Thirteen seconds Clement, the wrong note starting now.
CF: If you go to a Chinese laundry with the wrong note you are very likely to receive somebody else's washing. Which has never to my mind been a satisfactory way of looking after your wardrobe...
NP: Ah Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and in the situation of points overall, he has just increased his lead, he's one ahead of Tony Hawks, two ahead of Dave Gorman, and three ahead of Paul Merton. Dave will you take or begin the next round, rhyme or reason, 60 seconds as usual starting now.
DG: Rhyme or reason, a terrible choice for any poet to have to make. The two words, rhyme and reason, are normally parcelled together when someone wishes to denounce the absence of the two of them. Something is said to contain neither rhyme nor reason when they�re not only...
NP: Tony challenged.
TH: Was there a repetition of two in there?
NP: Yes there was.
TH: Ah! I'm hot on numbers tonight.
NP: So Tony, correct challenge, 46 seconds, tell us something about rhyme or reason starting now.
TH: I think it was Shakespeare who first popularised this expression in one of his plays. Can't remember which, doesn't matter, and quite boring information anyway. But rhyme or reason is motivation for doing something. People will often say what is your rhyme or reason for appearing on Just A Minute? I tell them the money! Huge amounts of it come our way as a result of performing on this show, let me tell you. However if I tell you too...
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Two tells.
NP: Two tells yes. I'm surprised someone didn't have you for deviation for the amount of money we get on the show!
TH: Obviously it's only you Nicholas, on the poor money!
NP: I'm a good foil for them, give him a bonus point, they enjoyed it, Tony again. Paul you had a correct challenge, you get a point for that, you have 22 seconds, tell us something about rhyme or reason starting now.
PM: If you were a detective at Scotland Yard, which method would you employ to solve your toughest cases. Would it be rhyme or reason?
(sings) The victim was in the car park
Just after dark...
NP: Tony you've challenged.
TH: He's hit the wrong note!
NP: Absolutely right Tony, but it wasn't this subject, was it. So as the audience enjoyed your interruption we give you a bonus point for that. But Paul was interrupted so he gets a point for that, he keeps the subject and there are eight seconds still available Paul, rhyme or reason starting now.
PM: I'm so thrilled there are eight seconds left on this subject. Because it brings me to a point where I must address the very serious issues. Oh you...
NP: Tony challenged again.
TH: Well I think there's deviation. I think he's clearly padded out the entire eight seconds by not discussing the subject in question, by just talking about the amount of time he has to talk about it.
NP: Oh I think that's a rather devious challenge actually.
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
TH: It's quite popular.
PM: There's three people agree with you. And two are out of it!
NP: Two are around a bit. No I think you could have had him for hesitation but it's too late now.
PM: Yeah could have done.
TH: As you say Nicholas...
PM: That's what I would have gone for myself...
NP: Yes, no, I think Paul you have the benefit of the doubt with half a second on rhyme or reason starting now.
PM: Rhyme or...
NP: So Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went, with other points in the round he�s moved forward. He's now equal with Tony Hawks who are one ahead of Clement Freud, and then Dave Gorman. And Tony would you begin the next round, the subject, well it's a very musical show this, isn't it, rock and roll. Will you tell us something about rock, you should know a bit about that, it was in, sort of, your group, wasn't it. Something Major And The Miners.
TH: Morris Minor And The Majors, in fact.
NP: Morris Minor And The Majors. Right...
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
PM: It's the same three people clapping! What's going on?
DG: That's the Majors!
TH: Yeah we didn't do that much rock and roll, it has to be said.
NP: Well what was it then?
TH: Well is this going to count towards my 60 seconds?
NP: I'm sorry, well, Morris Minor And The Majors. You have rock and roll, a minute of course starting now.
TH: (sings) Well it's one for the money
Two for the show
Three to get ready...
(normal voice) I would go on but I don't want to hit the wrong note and upset anybody. Rock and roll of course is a marvellous idea, invented by I don't know who some time ago. And for weeks to the bar, you can't go into a discotheque without hearing some rock and roll. Particularly at weddings, very popular there I've noticed. I actually have played rock and roll with a band called Morris Minor And The Majors, who go back some time ago. And in spite of the fact that the button...
NP: Paul what was your challenge?
PM: Well it was the assertion that if you go, you can go into a disco at any time and hear rock and roll. And I was going to say not when they're closed!
NP: Yeah but I think he was speaking colloquially. He means that when you go into a disco, you wouldn't try to get into a disco which was shut! You'd only go into a disco that was open, wouldn't you?
PM: Well you could be a, you could be a burglar with a sense of rhythm!
NP: And then you could go even further and say that somebody might have left the player on and they were still playing rock and roll.
PM: The player? What, the thing that you wind up, that has got the dog in the middle? With a big loudspeaker?
NP: That's right, the old loudspeaker, the player. Oh this dates me, doesn't it.
NP: Tony I think you should have the benefit of the doubt, I think you were speaking colloquially, going into a disco and you'd hear your rock and roll...
NP: Twenty-one seconds still available...
PM: If the player was still going!
NP: Well if you put a, if you have something playing I mean, if it's not a record player what is it then?
NP: Twenty-one seconds Tony, rock and roll with you starting now.
TH: (sings) Just let me hear some of that rock and roll music. (normal voice) The Beatles covered that song and what a fine beat group they were. They certainly weren't ashamed of playing...
NP: And Clement challenged.
CF: I think two theys. They were...
NP: Two theys, they were and they did that. Right Clement, you've got in with 12 seconds on rock and roll starting now.
CF: I think a smoked streaky bacon roll is one of my very favourites. Although the rock as long as it comes from Brighton...
NP: Paul you've challenged.
CF: Can I challenge him for repeatedly looking at me?
NP: Clement I think we have to put up with whatever we're given in this particular show, and so you did hesitate. Paul, benefit of the doubt and you have the subject, with three seconds on rock and roll starting now.
PM: (sings) Since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell...
NP: So Paul Merton was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, has increased his lead. He's just ahead of Tony Hawks, Clement Freud, Dave Gorman in that order. And Paul will you begin the next round, the subject is even the odds, 60 seconds on that subject starting now.
PM: Even the odds I suppose this is a phrase that indicates you should do your best to level the situation. Try and make it 50-half if you can. Because if the odds are against you there's nothing you can do but make sure that you restore the balance. When the captain of the Titanic heard there was an iceberg in his way, he didn't panic. No he drowned! And that's something we British are brilliant at. Show me a hero and I will demonstrate a man who went to public school. The finest educational system this country has ever come up with! When we look at the...
NP: And Clement challenged.
PM: Is that the school motto?
NP: I think whatever happens Clement, I'll give you a bonus point for bollocks.
PM: There's a bonus point for saying bollocks?
NP: Well look at the reaction he got.
NP: I suppose in this show yes, we don't usually say it in this show.
NP: It's much more circumspect in our language.
PM: Very much more.
NP: But what was your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute, Clement?
CF: I thought public schools giving finest education, I mean...
NP: Well it's debatable, some people think they do, and others think they don't.
CF: That's why I debated it, that's why I buzzed. Because it's debatable.
NP: And you went to one yourself.
CF: He gave it as a factual statement, and as you just said it's debatable.
NP: I don't think you can say that they are bollocks, the public schools. So and this is not prejudice because whether you agree with the state system or not they do, the private system does give a good education. So Paul, you have the benefit of the doubt and you have 27 seconds starting now.
PM: I went to St Paul's which is of course Cockney rhyming slang. And what a wonderful institution it was. I can remember walking across the quadrangle with my mortar board...
NP: And Tony challenged.
TH: I think we've gone off the subject a bit, haven't we? Even the odds, we seem to be on education now.
NP: We do indeed.
PM: I completely forgot what the subject was! Thank goodness for that!
NP: It can happen, so Tony, correct challenge...
PM: There's a comprehensive education for you!
NP: Nineteen seconds available, even the odds starting now.
TH: There are a lot of odd people around and I call them the Odds. And even the Odds are nice people to spend time with if you want to...
NP: Clement you challenged.
CF: Repetition of people.
NP: Clement a correct challenge, you have 12 seconds on even the odds starting now.
CF: Even the odds against being able to send your children to a private school are getting longer and increasingly long. It is a sad thing because there are many who believe...
NP: Dave challenged.
DG: Getting longer and increasingly long. Is deviation.
DG: I mean it's the same thing, isn�t it?
CF: No it's language.
NP: No Dave, I see your logic but it's within the rules of Just A Minute. It's language we are concerned with and he wasn't deviating.
DG: But something's getting long, and increasingly longer...
CF: No, it was the other way round.
DG: Okay, if something's getting longer and also increasingly long, it implies the two are separate things. And they're not. They're the same.
NP: He was emphasising that fact, as far as I was concerned.
DG: I'm only saying it's debatable!
NP: I'm afraid we haven't got time for debates. So I have to make a quick decision, and this is rather a slow decision. Clement, benefit of the doubt, you have two seconds still available, even the odds starting now.
CF: Even the odds means that if you get exactly what you...
NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, and with other points in the round, he has taken the lead, one ahead of Paul Merton, two ahead of Tony Hawks and a few ahead of Dave Gorman. And Clement it's actually back with you to begin so the subject now is very apt for you, high office. Will you tell us something about high office in Just A Minute starting now.
CF: There are idiots who go to work and come in and say "hi office, good morning desk, hello secretary, what are you going to do about it doorman, good-bye lift". I don't believe that that sort of language is remotely apposite for those who hold high office which means...
NP: Tony challenged. Tony what was your challenge?
TH: I think he hesitated at the end there.
NP: Yes he did and he was going so well. I think he got carried away with the audience reaction actually. But...
PM: I did like "good-bye lift".
NP: Have you never said good-bye to a lift?
PM: No, have you?
NP: Oh yes, sometimes I say good night to the cooker at night, before I go up and switch it off, good night cooker.
PM: And does the cooker talk back to you?
NP: No, unfortunately, no.
PM: Because that would be a sign of mental illness, wouldn't it!
NP: My cooker is entirely sane!
PM: I'm sure! I'm sure the cooker is!
NP: All right who challenged, it was you Tony right, so you have 39 seconds, high office starting now.
TH: A high office is one that has been caught smoking cannabis, no question about that! But we won't go into that because it's been recently reclassified. However I have never held high office myself, other than working for a while at Eastern Kyam Carpets where I had a lot of responsibility. But nevertheless it couldn't really count as high office. Clement on the other hand was a Member of Parliament for some considerable time in his lifetime and we admire him for that greatly. Nicholas Parsons in the middle here...
NP: What a pity! You interrupted, Clement?
CF: Repetition of time.
NP: Yes repetition of time.
CF In his time and lifetime.
NP: I know.
TH: But lifetime is one word.
NP: Quite right, you said lifetime the first time and this was time. Sorry Clement, an incorrect challenge, 10 seconds still with you Tony starting now.
TH: If I had a high office I would dangle a ladder from outside the window and go out that way. Then I couldn't have to say good-bye to the lift...
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Well it's very dangerous to just dangle a ladder out of the window. You want to be on solid ground, you want to be on solid ground, not dangling out the window. It's very dangerous to dangle the window...
TH: I reserve the right to play with my own life in the way I see fit!
PM: Well health and safety issues are very important these days! Well if that's the way you want to do it, you do it.
NP: Yes there's nothing wrong in saying you'll dangle a ladder out of a window. Pretty ridiculous thing to do, but on the other hand, he might do ridiculous things, we don't know, do we?
NP: So I have to give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion...
NP: ... and say three seconds, Tony, high office starting now.
TH: Where is the highest office, is it in the Natwest building...
NP: Right so oh I see we are moving into the final round.
SHOUTS OF "AWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Oh you are lovely aren't you! Yes! So let me give the situation as we go in. Dave Gorman is trailing a little but he hasn't played the game as much as others. He is a few points behind Paul Merton, he is one point behind Clement Freud, and Clement is two or three points behind Tony Hawks who is now in the lead as we begin this last round. And Dave it's back with you to start, and the subject is giant strides. Will you tell us something about giant strides in 60 seconds if you can starting now.
DG: Someone who always took giant strides was Robert Wadlow, the tallest man to ever walk this earth. At about eight feet and 11 inches, he was mentioned frequently by Roy Castle and Norris McWhirter on Record Breakers. His tailor was also very skilled at making giant strides, he had to be, for the aforementioned gentleman to wear them. I've...
NP: Paul.... Dave you've challenged yourself.
DG: Ah hesitation!
NP: I was going to ask you, but actually you're quite right, you did hesitate.
DG: It was as clear as anything!
NP: Yes, so I suppose you have to have a point because you did hesitate and you keep the subject. But don't make a habit of this because you could ruin the whole process of the game! So if you want to continue now, you have 39 seconds, giant strides starting now.
DG: Science and technology have been making giant strides in recent times. Whatever you think about cloning and the rest of it, there's no doubt about it that people are living longer, cars are safer, computers are getting more powerful and smaller. In other fields, for example television, people are making giant strides, not necessarily...
NP: And you forgot to challenge yourself then!
DG: You did tell me not to.
NP: Yes but people don�t always do what I tell them.
DG: Your cooker does!
TH: Well I would have let it go, but I thought that I'd better challenge for hesitation before he did!
NP: Oh no, what is your challenge...
NP: Yes he did hesitate, right, you have 23 seconds now Tony, tell us something about giant strides starting now.
TH: Sting wrote about giant strides, in a way, in his song, Walking On The Moon. Giant steps are what you take, he said, whereas in fact you could take little steps if you were wearing bedroom slippers for instance...
NP: And Paul challenged.
PM: We had a couple of takes.
NP: Yes we did yes, well done Paul, 12 seconds available still on giant strides with you Paul starting now.
PM: If you look at the early history of the cinema, you can see from about 1897 onwards, giant strides in the making of the motion picture. A director...
NP: Clement has challenged.
CF: They weren't that big between...
PM: 1897, huge strides.
NP: Yeah I think it's debatable but on the other hand...
PM: Is it debatable or is it bollocks? We just don't know!
NP: It depends on your interpretation of how rapidly the cinema moved forward. And I agree with you, and I think you have the benefit of the doubt Paul, and you keep the subject and you have three seconds on giant strides starting now.
PM: The Beatles' first album and their seventh album have enormous...
NP: ... Tony challenged. Yes?
TH: Repetition of album.
NP: The album, yes.
NP: So rapidly. You cleverly got in with half a second to go Tony, on giant strides starting now.
TH: Sir Winston Churchill...
NP: So let me give you the final situation. Dave Gorman who has not played the game before came from nowhere and finished in a very strong fourth place. In third place was Clement Freud, but only one point behind Paul Merton. But three or four points ahead of them was Tony Hawks so we say Tony this week you are our winner! So it only remains for me to say thank you to these four fine players of the game. I also thank Trudi Stevens, who has helped me with the score, blown her whistle marvellously when the 60 seconds elapsed. And we are grateful to our producer Tilusha Ghelani. And also we are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are very grateful to this lovely audience here at the Radio Theatre in the heart of the Broadcasting House who have cheered us on our way. From our audience here, from me Nicholas Parsons, from the team, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute! Yeah!