NOTE: Chris Addison's first appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners, in this country and throughout the world. But also to welcome to the programme this week, four exciting, talented, diverse personalities who are going to play Just A Minute. And those four talents are seated on my right, that ever popular evergreen player of this game, Paul Merton. And seated beside him, that veteran and ever resourceful player of this game, Clement Freud. And seated on my left, that engaging and sometimes extravagant player of this game, Graham Norton. And seated beside him someone who has never played this game before, but a very highly valued comedian, that is Chris Addison. Please welcome all four of them! As usual I am going to ask them to speak on a subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Charlotte Davies, who is going to help me with the score, blow a whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the delightful Mermaid Theatre at Puddledock on the banks of the Thames in that great metropolis of London. And we have a great metropolitan audience in front of us waiting, eager for us to start. Paul, start the show going with a subject here, the streets of London. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

PAUL MERTON: The streets of London have changed over the years. If you go back to the 19th century, 1886, you can see that somewhere like Drury Lane, for example, which is now a quite clean thoroughfare, was a bawdy place full of drunks and ne'er-do-wells and third rate actors. What are you looking at me like that for, Nicholas? He was a wonderful individual in his time, Mister Parsons. He used to walk down the streets...


NP: Clement challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Two used tos.

NP: Yes there were two used tos.

PM: Yes.

NP: Yes.

PM: Yes.

NP: So Clement, a correct challenge to you, a point for that, you take over the subject, you have 37 seconds available, the streets of London starting now.

CF: I came here via New Cavendish Street, then Oxford Street, Regent Street...


NP: Chris Addison challenged.

CHRIS ADDISON: Repetition of streets.

NP: There were too many streets. You said Oxford Street and Regent Street, you didn't say streets.

CF: You're being a bit pedantic.

NP: No we're not.

CA: To be absolutely fair, I was being a bit pedantic.

NP: No you weren't, no no...

CA: No...

NP: ... because we've had challenges on plurals and singles before.

PM: I'm thrilled to hear that Clement's doing the knowledge though!

NP: Chris, welcome to the show and you have a correct challenge, a point for that, you take over the subject of the streets of London, there are 30 seconds and you start now.

CA: The streets of London are not in fact paved with gold, but with chewing gum and ah paving...


NP: Graham challenged.

GRAHAM NORTON: Badly! Horrible! I sensed a hesitation but now I feel cruel and horrible.

CA: But in your defence, the word er does often stand as a hesitation! And I didn't repeat the word er.

NP: No, you did, you did er, you did catch your breath and pause and er and Graham was a bit sharp there but he came in with 24 seconds to go, a point to you Graham, the streets of London with you starting now.

GN: The streets of London seem to be full of groups of Italian students who think the word exit means...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: No, you're thinking of Rome!

NP: Paul we give you a bonus point for that. Graham you were interrupted so you get a point for being interrupted, keep the subject, the streets of London, 20 seconds starting now.

GN: God protect me in central London from the amateur shopper! Saturday attracts them, I say they build shopping malls for you! Go there! This is not your place! I'm in a hurry! There's no time to look at the moving lights! I have money to spend and quickly! I say that often to my...


NP: Graham if you speak to them like that I'm sure they'd run a mile! I've never heard you so violent...

GN: It's the new me!

NP: It's the new me! Anyway whoever in this game is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point, it was of course Graham Norton so he has got a strong lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud will you take the next round, the subject is monkey business. Tell us something about monkey business in Just A Minute if you can starting now.

CF: So the nun said to the taxi driver "you really don't have to feel guilty, because actually I am called Trevor and I am going to a fancy dress party. Nothing that has happened need concern..."


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I think I've missed the beginning of this! Is there not some sort of précis to take us up to date in what's going on?

GN: Previously on Just A Minute!

CF: I wanted to get in the last round.

NP: I what, I don't know what you were leading to at all, because you hadn't got monkey business into it anywhere. There were no monkeys in the cab and umm...

PM: And a nun called Trevor?

CF: You don't call that monkey business?

NP: Well it depends, I thought it was sexual harassment actually!

CA: But you're terribly old fashioned!

CF: You have a point!

NP: Yeah but I can't do anything with my points, you can. So...

GN: Is that age?

CF: We've noticed!

NP: All right, give Clement a bonus point for what he said just then. But Paul let's have your challenge.

PM: It's deviation.

NP: Deviation yes, a point to you for that. A correct challenge, monkey business, 44 seconds starting now.

PM: There's a Marx Brothers film called Monkey Business. It was released in the 1930s. And if you listen very carefully, in the opening sequence, the four brothers... I've said that before, haven't I?


NP: Yes Chris you challenged.

CA: Yes repetition of brothers.

NP: Of brothers yes, well you've got in again Chris and you've got 35 seconds on this occasion, the subject is monkey business starting now.

CA: Monkey business is a section to be found towards the back of The Daily Simian, a newspaper designed, written for and by monkeys. Monkey business itself is a larger part of that august journal, than you might imagine, although it very rarely goes to print as around about four o'clock in the afternoon, they like a tea party and those things get out of hand, as you'll be doubtless aware. Monkeys are in fact rather good at business. Some of their particular endeavours in the economic...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: He said monkeys.

NP: Yes you did repeat monkeys.

CA: Hoisted by my own petard!

NP: That's right yes, you've got him because you got him on the plural, and the word on the card is singular. Monkeys he did repeat and Clement you've got in with seven seconds to go on monkey business starting now.

CF: It was one of my very favourite Marx Brothers film, Monkey Business...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well strictly speaking it should be Marx Brothers films...

NP: Yes.

PM: ... not Marx Brothers film. One of my favourite Marx Brothers film.

NP: Yes.

PM: It's using the singular when the plural would really be the entirely accurate thing to do, so deviation from the English language I'm afraid.

NP: Deviation from English as we understand it, so all right Paul, that is correct so we have to give it to you, two seconds to go, oh yes, monkey business starting now.

PM: Catherine Grant and Katharine Hepburn...



NP: Oh!

PM: Was that not the subject on the card?

NP: No you just threw it back to him, didn't you? Clement you challenged first and you've got in with half a second to go, on monkey business starting now.

CF: Zeppo...



NP: Oh Paul you challenged before...

PM: There was a bit of a hesitation.

NP: Oh no! Rubbish! He had it when the whistle went so Clement Freud has the bonus point for speaking as the whistle went and ah what's the situation at the end of that round? Well Clement has leapt forward, he's one ahead of Graham Norton, and two ahead of Paul Merton and three ahead of Chris Addison, that's the situation. Chris Addison will you take the next round, the subject is a false economy, you have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CA: The economy of Vulgaria is a false economy on the grounds that that place does not in fact exist, like...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I've just bought a house there! What have I done?

NP: So what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

PM: Deviation, I've just bought a house there, it exists as a place, Vulgaria.

NP: Bulgaria does exist.

CA: No no no, Vulgaria.

NP: Oh, Vulgaria!

CA: Yes.

NP: I didn't get the V, I'm sorry. Did you...

CA: Well it was there, I promise you.

PM: Have you not heard their song, national anthem. (sings) Piss off... Vulgaria!

CF: Vulgaria is deviation.

NP: That sounds like the Wombles, doesn't it? The Wombles lived in Vulgaria.

CA: No, you're thinking of Uncle Bulgaria.

NP: Oh that's right.

CA: ... who does have a bit... but the film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ends in Vulgaria.

GN: And that was a dream sequence.

NP: Yes right, benefit of the doubt to you Chris, you keep the subject, you get a point for that. I'd work on this Chris because the new boys on the block always get the sympathy of the audience. Right, 54 seconds, a false economy starting now.

CA: The Vulgarian economy runs largely on selling imaginary houses to comedians...


NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: I visited the property!

CA: That was another dream sequence!

PM: Cor, estate agents, you can't trust them, can you!

NP: Right a bonus point to Paul because they enjoyed the interruption, but Chris you were interrupted, so you get a point for that, you keep the subject, a false economy, 48 seconds starting now.

CA: As with many entirely imaginary countries, Vulgaria runs...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: We've had Vulgaria.

NP: We have had Vulgaria, it's not on the card.

GN: Yeah Chris!

CA: It was a singular though, I didn't say Vulgarias!

NP: No you didn't, you said Vulgaria. I was listening. I have to, it's my job. Right...

GN: He doesn't want to, you understand!

NP: Clement a point to you, 44 seconds available, a false economy starting now.

CF: False economies tend to happen when Chancellors move out of Number Eleven into Thirteen Downing Street. I can't tell you how false economies become, not just is the economic situation of the country wholly down the drain and up the creek, but there is no-one living next door to the Prime Minister in a house which he loves to have...


NP: Chris challenged.

CA: Deviation from anything relevant!

NP: I think he established to begin with, it's a false economy when the Chancellor moves into the other property.

CF: Yeah. You're not that new, any more!

NP: Clement the benefit of the doubt to you, you have a point for an incorrect challenge, 18 seconds available, a false economy starting now.

CF: There is no way that Romania or Bulgaria has a false economy because they are...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well hesitation.

NP: Yes definite hesitation.

CF: I was speaking slowly.

PM: Yes in a hesitant fashion, which was my first clue to why I pressed the buzzer.

NP: So Paul a correct challenge, 11 seconds, you tell us something about a false economy starting now.

PM: My first pair of false teeth were an absolute disaster. I shouldn't have gone to Bob Martin's. I... should have gone to the dentist...


NP: Graham challenged, so Graham?

GN: There was a sort of hesitation and a repetition of should.

NP: Repe... you only need one, I can't give you two points.

GN: Sorry!

NP: Should...

GN: I wasn't sure about the repetition bit! I thought I'd shove in that hesitation.

NP: Well I can assure you the repetition was there. A repetition of should, a false economy is with you Graham, three seconds only to go starting now.

GN: A false economy is when you think you're saving money, but in fact you spend more than you...


NP: So Graham Norton then speaking when the whistle went, gained that extra point, he's now equal in the lead with Clement Freud, they're just ahead of Paul Merton and Chris Addison in that order. And Graham we'd like you to take the next round, I mean, start the next round. The subject is, I can't believe this, when I was in prison. Who thinks of these subjects? When I was in prison Graham, 60 seconds starting now.

GN: When I was in prison, everyone had lovely nicknames. There was Billy the Bulldog, because he walked on all fours and growled. Lenny Scissorlegs because his legs were sharp and cut...


NP: Chris challenged.

CA: Repetition of because.

NP: Correct challenge Chris, you have the subject, you have 50 seconds, when I was in prison starting now.

CA: When I was in prison, I was struck by two things. One was a metal pail being used for slops by Big Danny, my cellmate. And the other was how angry everybody was. I think this was largely because they were all made to wear the same clothes, uniforms if you will, and weren't even allowed to vote on them before they (starts to laugh) had to put them on...


NP: Clement you've challenged.

CA: I'd just like to agree with whatever challenge is about to be made.

NP: I think you're right, yes all right Clement, hesitation, collapse of stout party as they say, Clement you have the subject, you have 32 seconds, when I was in prison starting now.

CF: If I were to say I had been in prison, it would be a lie, and anybody could...


NP: And Clement you've challenged.

CF: I buzzed myself.

NP: Yes, so what is your challenge?

CF: For deviation from the truth.

NP: Well that is a correct challenge so I have to give you a point for a correct challenge, and congratulate you on listening so well. And say please don't make a habit of this because it could ruin the whole show. And so you keep the subject, you have 25 seconds, and you've still got when I was in prison starting now.

CF: I would have shared a cell...


NP: Chris challenged.

CA: Deviation from the rules!

NP: No he wasn't deviating from the rules. There's nothing in the rules that says you can't buzz yourself. Chris I'll tell you what, you haven't played before, we won't charge any points on that. Clement...

CF: Oh I'd like a point!

CA: It's a two for one offer!

NP: What's that?

CF: I was interrupted.

PM: You see, he was interrupted.

NP: All right.

PM: And if Clement gets a point when he interrupts himself, I don't see why he shouldn't get a point when somebody else interrupts him!

NP: You're quite right.

PM: I am quite right.

NP: You are quite right, and I'm wrong to deny him.

PM: Yeah.

NP: Clement you have another point, you have 24 seconds, when I was in prison starting now.

CF: When I was in prison...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: I just wanted him to have another point!

NP: All right, a point to you because they enjoyed the interruption.

GN: Yes!

NP: A point to Clement because he was interrupted, there are still 23 seconds available, when I was in prison, not when I was in prison, but that's the subject.

PM: Oh yes, you want everyone to talk about when they were in prison, but no, we can't talk about you, can we! Thanks for the injunction!

NP: Oh my, my experiences are too sordid to go into. Right, when I was in prison is the subject, with you Clement, and there are 23 seconds starting now.

CF: A friend of mine who said to me when I was in prison, complained bitterly about the uniform. The trousers didn't fit, the shirt was loose, and his cellmate was aggressive...


CF: ... to put it...

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: A bit of hesitation.

NP: Definite hesitation. Almost a full stop.

CF: I didn't want the subject!

PM: That's why he interrupted himself, he was hoping the challenge would be given to somebody else!

NP: You've done very well though with it Clement, you've really leapt forward with that one. But Paul you've got in with a correct challenge and 10 seconds available, when I was in prison starting now.

PM: When I was in prison, it was part of my job working for the civil service. I used to visit Wandsworth Prison every week. And I would see prisoners and discuss with them opportunities and training for different jobs...


NP: So when Clement Freud was in prison, it helped him to move forward rapidly and he is now in a very definite lead ahead of Graham Norton. And Paul we'd like you to take the next round, the subject, talking about prisons, it's rather apt, 12 angry men. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

PM: It was a superb play and it was directed by Sidney Lumet for the cinema. And those people who are fans of Henry Fonda will probably recognise it as one of his...


NP: Graham Norton challenged.

GN: For some reason I thought I heard the word Henry twice, but it was Sidney and ah, and um somewhere at the back of my head I was thinking he was talking about a play but it was a film.

NP: Yes, 52 seconds, 12 angry men with you Paul starting now.

PM: At the Edinburgh Fringe Festival a few years ago, several comedians mounted their own version of Twelve Angry Men. Steve Frost, Andy Smart, Dave Johns, they were some of the people that appeared in it. And it was a very good production because an ensemble cast under a good director will create a magnificent piece of theatre. Because we always find...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Ah because.

NP: Yes there was because.

PM: Yes.

NP: Right, well listened Clement, you have 36 seconds, 12 angry men starting now.

CF: Twelve angry men is what Chelsea Football Club now has. Not just Mister Mourhino, but people from Bulgaria, Romania, Liberia, the Ivory Coast and Togo. They are Abramovich's, 12 angry men, and goodness they are. They fight for the referee, they insult the...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well deviation, they don't fight for the referee as if he is in some prize to be decided after some bare knuckle contest!

GN: It's like, it's like throwing the bouquet at the end of a wedding!

NP: No they don't fight for the referee, either defending him...

CF: I wasn't listening!

NP: No!

PM: Well you were in the majority there!

NP: So Paul you have a correct challenge, you have 13 seconds, 12 angry men starting now.

PM: If you look at the third row of this theatre, you will see along the line 12 angry men. Their names are Barry, Dominic, Tom, William, George, Billy, Sebastian and who can forget, right at the very end, Mister Peters sitting right there...


NP: So Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and with the others in the round, he's moved forward. He's now equal with Clement Freud in the lead, they're just ahead of Graham Norton and Chris Addison in that order. I don't know whether you noticed Paul. When you were pointing to people in the audience and calling out those male names, two women stood up! I don't know whether that's a bit of transvestism or it was um, it was...

PM: I do apologise to the ladies who Nicholas can't tell whether they're ladies or transvestites! Perhaps you'd like to consult your hairdressers when you get back, I don't know!

NP: So we move on, and Graham we begin with you, the subject is in the year 2525. It's rather repetitious but would you talk on the subject starting now.

GN: In the year 2525, the game of Just A Minute might be quite difficult to play, because the actual date will contain a repetition. You might be challenged, and then Nicholas or a brain attached to a computer will have to say...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: There's going to be a promotion? A brain attached to a computer?

NP: So what is your challenge?

PM: We're going digital!

NP: Right a bonus point to Paul because we enjoyed the challenge. But Graham was interrupted, so he keeps the subject and a point of course, in the year 2525 Graham starting now.

GN: In the year 2525 there will be many mysteries. One of which will be how is Kim Cattrall still 40? I don't know. She's been that age since 1962. I believe she washes in some sort of strange ether and pickle juice. I also feel...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: I think there was a hesitation there yes. So Paul you have the subject, you have another point, 25 seconds, in the year 2525 starting now.

PM: Well it's unusual to be speaking about the song In The Year 2525, with initially 25 seconds to go, because of course that time is now running down. It was a very popular record in the 1960s and I...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of 19.

NP: Nineteen. You see, in the 1960s. So Clement you've got in with 13 seconds on in the year 2525 starting now.

CF: The year 2525 was 14 years after the end of the Great War, and many people remember it with...


NP: Chris challenged.

CA: That's not true. Deviation from history.

NP: On the basis that the First World War was the Great War?

CA: Yeah. That's exactly why Nicholas, yeah.

PM: I have a feeling that's not the war Clement is talking about.

NP: It's not the war he is talking about, but in the history books, the First World War is often referred to as the Great War.

CA: Is it?

NP: It is.

CF: The greatest war! The greatest war!

NP: No you said the Great War.

CF: The latest war!

CA: But that's, are you allowed to edit what you just said?

CF: Yeah!

CA: Because the implications for the future of the game are horrendous!

NP: Chris is...

CF: Like Hansard you can...

CA: Chris is sitting further away...

CF: ... go up to the office and say I wish I'd said that!

NP: Chris is sitting further from you than I am and he said he thought you said the Great war. So I think I have to give you the benefit of the doubt...

CA: Aha! What goes around comes around!

NP: Yes exactly and you have five seconds to tell us something about in the year 2525 starting now.

CA: In the year 2525 I will be five hundred and 54 years old. And if I am...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: He won't be.

NP: What's your challenge?

CF: Deviation from the truth!

CA: Prove it!

NP: Prove it!

CA: I'm on a very strict regime, you know!

PM: You can't be 500 years old in 5000 years time.

NP: I don't think he can but actually as there is only half a second to go...

CA: No, it's only 500.

PM: But then I got CSE Grade Four maths.

GN: It's about four hundred and something years.

NP: I made my decision, there's only half...

CA: Look look...

NP: Listen! Shut up for a minute!

CA: One nine seven one...

NP: Chris!

CA: ... plus five three four, four plus one is five...

NP: Chris!

CA: Oh no you're right!

NP: It's only half a second to go so we give you first of all a point for being interrupted...

CA: Right.

NP: ... which you gained it legitimately...

CA: Super.

NP: A point for being interrupted which you didn't deserve but I'm going to give you another benefit of the doubt.

CA: Wonderful.

NP: And also another point for holding up the show, and half a second on in the year 2525 starting now.

CA: In the year 25...


NP: So Chris Addison speaking then as the whistle went, and gained the other extra points because the chairman helped him, moved forward rapidly as we move in to the final round. So we move on to Chris Addison, the subject Chris is body language. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CA: Body language like ah...


NP: Oh it's a tough game.

CA: Now can I cash in my benefit of the doubt?

NP: You can have a bonus point for that last remark. Because it was very good. But if you had kept going I might have given it to you but I can't. It was a definite...

CA: So give me another go and see how I do!

NP: Try again. Right, Graham you challenged first, 58 seconds, body language starting now.

GN: Body language is a difficult thing to talk about on the radio. For instance you here can see me do that. (gestures at audience)


GN: But at home nothing! I don't know if this counts as repetition, (gestures at audience) but there you go, I did it again. Ah...



GN: I'm still talking, yes I am, but I...

NP: No you...

GN: I'll stop.

NP: You have been challenged.

GN: Oh did I get challenged?

NP: You've been challenged, you didn't hear the buzzer because the audience were laughing so much at your gestures. Which I can tell our listeners were quite obscene! So it's a good thing it's radio isn't it. Chris what was your challenge?

CA: Repetition of... (gestures at audience)


NP: We're working in the realms of radio and words, not in gestures and mime.

CA: He started it!

NP: I know, I think you should get another bonus point for that, but I can't give it to you because it would be against the whole principle of sound radio wouldn't it.

PM: We would like some bonus points as well! (gestures at NP)

NP: Listeners, I must explain, they're all making this obscene gesture now! And they think obscene gestures should get bonus points! So I have no alternative...

GN: Listeners around the world won't be happy!

NP: They'll be writing in saying what was the gesture? I cannot reveal it, it will be a secret of Just A Minute!

CF: Are we in the lead yet?

NP: So what I shall do is give a bonus point to all of them except Graham Norton who keeps the...

GN: It was my idea!

NP: Graham you get a point for being interrupted...

GN: Loving it!

NP: And 42 seconds with you Graham, body language starting now.

GN: Body language is a rare exotic form of language that you see across a crowded room. And somebody walks towards you and then I don't know...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Grinding to a halt really! Hesitation.

NP: We call it hesitation. Paul you have body language now and you have 31 seconds starting now.

PM: Back in the 1960s Desmond Morris produced a book called The Naked Ape. And in that he postulated the theory that we are of course descended from the animals, but we have a great deal in common with them. If you see a pretty man walking through a bar, and he catches your eye, and there's a glint of light in your pupil. And you think to yourself, I don't care, I'm going into that car park. I'm going to look and I'm saying to him, "take me by the hand and lead me through the streets of London. I'll show you something that will make you change your mind..."


NP: And the final situation is Chris Addison finished magnificently in fourth place. But only one point behind Clement Freud, only two points behind Graham Norton, and only three points behind Paul Merton who we say Paul this week you are our winner!

PM: Thank you.

NP: Thank you, a very fair contest with equal contributions from all of them. So it only remains to say thank you to these four delightful players of the game, Paul Merton, Chris Addison, Graham Norton and Clement Freud. I thank Charlotte Davies, who has helped me keep the score, and with her whistle. And also we are indebted to Tilusha Ghelani who has produced the show. And we are also indebted to Ian Messiter who created the show. And we are also indebted to this audience here at the Mermaid Theatre in Puddledock in London who have cheered us on our way. From our audience, from me Nicholas Parsons, and the panel, good-bye, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute! Yes!