NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners, in this country and of course throughout the world. But also to welcome to the programme four skilled, exciting, attractive, talented players of the game who once again are going to display their verbal ingenuity, their humorous inventiveness as they try and speak on a subject that I give them, and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And those four people are, seated on my right, Pam Ayres and Clement Freud. And seated on my left Graham Norton and Marcus Brigstocke. Will you please welcome all four of them! And seated beside me is Charlotte Davies, who is going to help me keep the score, and she is going to blow a whistle with great aplomb I am sure, whenever the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the delightful Mermaid Theatre, down near Blackfriars Bridge, in the centre or near the centre of the city of London. And we have a real Blackfriars looking audience in the audience, who are going to cheer us on our way. As we start the show with Clement Freud. Clement the subject here is what I've got on my Ipod. Would you tell us something about that subject, in this game Clement starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: I'm not very... technologically...


NP: Pam Ayres you challenged.

PAM AYRES: I did think it was hesitation.

CF: I think you're very...

NP: And I have to be strict within the rules of Just A Minute, and say that it was hesitation. So I have to give it to you and you take over the subject for a correct challenge, a point, and 57 seconds, what I've got on my Ipod starting now.

PA: Dire Straits, Money For Nothing. Bruce Springsteen, Born In The USA. Minnie Driver singing something I can't remember. And there must be other things...


PA: ... but I can't remember them.

NP: Graham Norton challenged.

GRAHAM NORTON: I sensed a hesitation.

NP: Um...

GN: There was an um, there was an um before the Minnie Driver thing.

PA: No there wasn't, no there wasn't, that was my natural burr!

NP: All right, we give it to you, benefit of the doubt Graham, and you get a point for a correct challenge and you have 48 seconds to tell us what I've got on my Ipod starting now.

GN: Audience, prepare to be riveted, because on my Ipod I have nothing at all! Let's stare at that tiny blank screen for the remainder of the minute. Imagine what songs...


NP: Pam challenged.

PA: Mine is much more interesting than his!

GN: Can I just say, I beg to differ!

PA: You said you've got nothing at all!

NP: What we often do on these occasions...

GN: Minnie Driver!

PA: Well I was panic stricken...

GN: I don't think Minnie Driver's got Minnie Driver on her Ipod!

NP: Pam what I like to do on this occasion, it's quite a long time ago I know, but the audience enjoyed your interruption, we give you a bonus point for that. But it was an incorrect interruption, so Graham you have a point for being interrupted and you keep the subject, what I've got on my Ipod, 36 seconds starting now.

GN: Music was my first love, it will be my last. That's why my Ipod is so stuffed to bursting with super songs and tracks...


GN: You'll always find...

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He said he had nothing on it.

NP: You had nothing.

GN: It was, it was downloading while I was chatting to Pam!

NP: No Graham you can't get out of it that way, even in this show. It was correct, it was deviation, you firmly established to all...

GN: Does it matter that I don't have an Ipod?


GN: Okay.

NP: You established to millions of listeners...

GN: I was wrong to talk at all, I'm sorry.

NP: No if you shut up, the show would collapse. We love you! And Clement a correct challenge, 27 seconds, what I've got on my Ipod starting now.

CF: An Ipod is a tripod with only one leg. And normally what you put on to it would be a camera or a chicken sandwich or virtually anything that could balance on this contraption. I'm not technica-logic...


NP: Marcus you challenged.

MB: It was a hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation.

MB: Although in fairness to Clement, you got further into the word technological than you did the first time.

NP: So Marcus, what I've got on my Ipod, you have 11 seconds starting now.

MB: What I've got on my Ipod, well this morning I found my daughter sitting on it. But musically speaking I have the Doors and Who and Cure. I also have the Crash Test Dummies on there which is a band I absolutely...


NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Marcus Brigstocke, he's now equal with Pam Ayres in the lead, two to each of them, one to the other, to Clement and to Graham. And Marcus we'd like you to take the next round, the subject is the world's greatest invention. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

MB: I would have to say the world's greatest invention is probably the Ipod. On my Ipod I have many... songs including...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation.

MB: There was yeah.

NP: So Clement...

MB: I was so pleased with myself, I run out!

NP: Fifty-two seconds for you Clement to tell us something about the world's greatest invention starting now.

CF: There are many people who think that the first telephone was the world's greatest invention, I...


NP: Pam you challenged first.

PA: I did, I did, I did feel it was a hesitation, that. But I was successfully...

NP: That's amazing perception of you, 44 seconds Pam, the world's greatest invention starting now.

PA: I have invented the world's greatest invention which is that the road moves and the car stands still. At a stroke this would solve all the unemployment because people would have to stand along the road and crank the handle...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Repetition of road.

NP: Yes.

PA: Oh yes, sorry about that.

NP: So Graham another correct challenge to you, 30 seconds available, the world's greatest invention starting now.

GN: It may seem slight but I feel the world's greatest invention is surely the egg slicer. That lovely little plastic thing that cradles the thing that falls out of the chicken's bum...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Two things.

NP: There were two things there.

GN: Oh I thought I was doing so well to avoid the egg!

NP: Clement you've got in with 18 seconds on the world's greatest invention starting now.

CF: The second telephone was the greatest...


NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: He's, he's absolutely right, ah, but, but it was a repetition of telephone.

NP: Yes it was a repetition of telephone. So Marcus you have got 16 seconds, tell us something about the world's greatest invention starting now.

MB: I now believe that the world's greatest invention is almost certainly the corduroy suit. You know where you are when you're reading one of these in any weather. It soaks up a huge amount of water which can be extremely useful if you suddenly get warm and need a drink. You can merely lean...


NP: Marcus Brigstocke was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point, he's now equal in the lead with Clement Freud, but he's only one ahead of Pam Ayres and Graham Norton. And Pam we'd like you to take the next round. I'm sure this has been chosen specially for you, suet pudding. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PA: My husband and I, being extremely health conscious, normally choose plain low fat pro biotic Greek yoghurt for pudding. But as a girl, suet puddings like jam rolly polly, spotted dick, bacon clanger and old lady's leg were frequently served. These puddings were boiled up on the stove in an enormous...


NP: Marcus you challenged.

MB: I'm sorry, it's not a legitimate challenge but I have to know what goes into a bacon clanger?

NP: You want to tell us in the round?

PA: Yes I'll tell you.

NP: You'll tell us in the round, it's all right.

PA: Bacon...

NP: Don't repeat bacon clanger, that's all.

PA: Well now I'm confused now...

GN: And while we are chatting, old lady's leg, is that just an old lady's leg?

PA: That is, that is when you...

GN: Was it lean times?

PA: Yeah exactly, it's when your mother hasn't got anything to put inside it so it's just plain.

GN: Oh.

PA: Bacon clanger is bacon and onion. And croutons is carrots at one end and something, like croutons at the other...

GN: Let me get a pen! Wait a second!

NP: Pam save it for the round because it was an incorrect challenge, it wasn't incorrect, it was an interruption...

PA: I've forgotten where I was now.

NP: And so you get a point because you were interrupted and you keep the subject, suet pudding and there are 35 seconds starting now.

PA: Mother would leave it to boil for the best part of the day...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: We had boil before.

NP: We had boil.

PA: Yeah.

NP: We had boil before, I'm afraid yes.

PA: I think I did boil, I think I've peaked!

NP: I think it was too long between. Clement you've got in on suet pudding, 32 seconds available starting now.

CF: The great thing about suet pudding which looks rather unhealthy and pale and wan and white, is to put into it...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Now is this harsh, but I do remember someone challenging at one point with or. So I'm going with and.

NP: Yes you're quite right, it was the last time we were recording here at the Mermaid.

GN: What a coincidence! You couldn't make that up!

NP: That's what, I have to memorise these things you see. It was quite a while ago. And actually Clement had you for putting in the word or three or four times.

GN: I thought I remembered it!

NP: You've now got in on and, it's taken a few week's break to get it but there you are. You have 25 seconds, tell us something about suet pudding starting now.

GN: On the face of it, suet pudding sounds like just fat for dessert. It really isn't an appetising idea. I'm not really sure what suet is but I know that I can say the word suet, because suet's in the subject...


NP: Pam challenged. So Pam you challenged and you didn't realise that suet was in the subject.

PA: No I thought it was just puddings. I was grasping at a straw of suet there.

NP: Well I'm afraid it was incorrect.

PA: Sorry.

NP: So another point to you Graham and 12 seconds, suet pudding starting now.

GN: Suet pudding is different from other puddings because it contains suet. That's right, you heard me, suet, it's all over it, it's all through it. I've said all a few times...


NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: Yeah repetition of all.

GN: Yes.

NP: Yes. So Marcus you got in with two seconds to go on suet, suet pudding starting now.

MB: If steak and kidney pudding is made from suet which I...


NP: So Marcus Brigstocke was again speaking as the whistle went, at the end of that round, he has taken the lead.

MB: My God!

NP: One ahead of Clement Freud, two ahead of Pam Ayres and Graham Norton. And Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject is my biggest fear, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: My biggest fear is to appear on a quiz show like University Challenge, or Mastermind and to be asked a question to which I do not know the answer which everybody in the audience would. For instance, they say what are the countries adjoining Austria? And the sort of answer I would give would be Czechoslovakia, Sweden...


NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: Repetition of the word answer.

NP: An answer and answers.

GN: Answers.

NP: Right, 39 seconds Clement, my biggest fear starting now.

CF: Romania, Bulgaria, Slovenia, Austria, I said before...


CF: So I'm likely to be challenged.

GN: Yeah repetition of Austria.

NP: As well as the fact that some of those other countries don't border Austria.

GN: No, he's getting the answer wrong.

NP: I know, I know, he's got the answer wrong.

GN: Also it did sound like he was just afraid of countries when we went back to him. My biggest fear, Romania, Czechoslovakia! They're marching towards us, I tell you, they're moving!

NP: Graham you've got the subject of my biggest fear and 34 seconds starting now.

GN: My biggest fear is starving to death in my sleep. And that's why before I go to bed, I do eat vast amounts of things that you can put in your mouth that are edible. And I think it's because I'm from Ireland and we had a famine and it never goes away, that fear you know! So I'll be boiling water and popping potatoes in while the National Anthem...


NP: Pam you...

PA: I thought it was a hesitation.

NP: After you boiled your potatoes.

PA: After boiling the potatoes, I thought you hesitated.

GN: Just checking them!

NP: So Pam a correct challenge, you got in with five seconds to go, my biggest fear starting now.

PA: My biggest fear is of walking up the road from the River Windrush up towards the...


NP: So Pam Ayres was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Marcus Brigstocke is still in the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud, he's two ahead of Pam Ayres, and she's one ahead of Graham Norton. If you care about the score, that's what it is, and we carry on with the show. Marcus Brigstocke, your turn to begin, can you tell us something about cosmic ordering in this game starting now.

MB: Cosmic ordering is a lot like praying. And the only difference is that you're making a specific request for something. It's a lot like a sort of celestial Ebay...


NP: Graham what's your challenge?

GN: Repetition of a lot like.

NP: Yes, a lot like, a lot like. You're right Graham, 52 seconds, cosmic ordering is with you Graham starting now.

GN: Noel Edmonds is perhaps the most famous exponent of cosmic ordering. Where he writes things on his hand, and then it becomes true. What a shame he didn't place the phrase "don't look like an ageing gerbil with Simon Cowell's waistline". Because that might have happened. Instead he wished for a new job and got it, and does it all the time. Does he live in that barn conversion with those people? It lasts for hours! And I've never seen the beginning of the programme. Who are the other people at the benches with the cases? Are they friends? Are they just random? Were they in the queue coming in?


NP: Yes Clement you challenged.

CF: Three are theys.

NP: Three are theys.

GN: Ah.

NP: Are they, yes, are they, are they, are they. So Clement another point to you and the subject, and 13 seconds, cosmic ordering starting now.

CF: Cosmic ordering is a very good game. It beats monopoly and hulmer, ludo comes nowhere near cosmic ordering. I spend much of my time playing it with my children, my grandchildren...


NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, he got the extra point and he's taken the lead, one ahead of Marcus Brigstocke, and the other two are trailing just a little behind in third place. And Pam it's your turn to begin, a lovely subject for you, lambing. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PA: My Cotswold sheep, Myrtle and Florence, this year produced two lambs, Biggie and Littlie. It is a very difficult and stressful period for the shepherdess and she should make it her business to assemble a comprehensive lambing kit well beforehand. It should include bottles, teats, feeding tubes, a supply of iodine for immersing the navel to counteract infection, a supply of small...


PA: Oh blow!

NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: Repetition of supply.

NP: Yes, of supply.

GN: And also I feel sick!

NP: I can't give you any points for feeling sick, I'm sorry Graham. Marcus you've got the subject of lambing and you have 29 seconds starting now.

MB: I cannot confess to knowing a huge amount about lambing. I did however...


NP: Pam challenged.

PA: Well I do!

NP: Yes! So give Pam a bonus point because we enjoyed the interruption. Marcus you get a point because you were interrupted, you keep the subject, and there are 26 seconds, lambing starting now.

MB: Lambing is something that I saw done on...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Two somethings.

NP: Oh yes!

GN: Oh!

MB: Was it?

NP: Lambing is something I don't know very much about.

MB: Oh!

NP: Yes! Yes well listened Clement, 24 seconds, lambing is with you Clement starting now.

CF: Ideally to be successful at lambing requires you to be a sheep which I am not. But it is a natural process. You meet a male of your species and... a certain number...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: I'm sensing hesitation.

NP: You've got a hesitation.

GN: Did I get one?

NP: Yes. Graham tell us something about lambing, right up your street I'm sure, 10 seconds starting now.

GN: I have a very strong visual image now of Pam stripped to the waist, with the sheep on its back, pulling lambs out of it, hand over fist...


NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: Yeah there was a hesitation.

NP: Yes you didn't know whether to say hand over fist or just or what. Marcus you had a correct challenge, you have three seconds, tell us more about lambing in three seconds starting now.

MB: Normally they give birth to a little baby lamb which is the most...


NP: Marcus speaking when the whistle almost went, gained that extra point. He's now just ahead of Clement Freud, followed by Pam Ayres and Graham Norton in that order. And Graham your turn to begin, and the subject now is Carnaby Street. Tell us something about Carnaby Street in this game starting now.

GN: Once upon a time Carnaby Street was a hip, happening place, full of trendy fashion shops. Now it's somewhere for large groups of Italian students to go and stand in front of signs saying Exit, just to annoy people who live here. And there's nothing to see...


NP: Pam challenged.

PA: I thought it was hesitation there.

NP: It was hesitation.

PA: I thought Graham was struggling a little bit.

GN: Thanks Pam.

PA: If you don't mind me saying so Graham.

GN: No, thanks Pam.

NP: So Pam...

GN: (in stage whisper) Pam! Help me out!

NP: Forty-four, 44 seconds, you tell us something about Carnaby Street starting now.

PA: I trace my success as a fashion icon back to the 60s when I used to use a product called Bandbox which was the peroxide solution, sprayed on the front of the beehive hairdo. I also used to buy a length of fabric from Wantage Market on Saturday morning, run it up on my sewing machine, tie a belt round it and wear it to the dance at the Victoria Cross Hall, Wantage, on a Saturday night...


NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: Repetition of Wantage.

NP: Wantage yes.

PA: Oh yeah you're right.

NP: Yes that's right, so Marcus, another point to you and you have 16 seconds, tell us something about Carnaby Street starting now.

MB: I very seldom go down Carnaby Street on account of I don't like being pointed at and...


CF: Sorry. I didn't.

NP: Well he was interrupted.

CF: Oh give him several points!

NP: He doesn't need several, he's way out in the lead.

CF: Ah.

NP: You were actually interrupted so you do get another point, and you have now 12 seconds, Carnaby Street starting now.

MB: You can buy all manner of fancy goods on Carnaby Street from enormous frilly hats, to spotted loon pants, high heeled plait form stack shoes, tops with spangly...


NP: So Marcus Brigstocke was speaking again as the whistle went, gained that extra point, he's now increased his lead ahead of the other three. And Clement Freud will you please take the next round, the subject is chips. Tell us something about chips in this game starting now.

CF: In golf, chips are an absolute disaster. Because if you get your ball fairly close to the hole, one chip is all you need. Chips show that you are unable to hit an eight or nine iron in the proper fashion. Chips are also potatoes which can be fried at best in a mixture of duck and goose fat. And depending on the size...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Now, maybe I'm wrong here, maybe I'm wrong...

CF: I think you are!

GN: But don't chips have to be fried?

NP: Yes they are fried. But he said preferably in goose fat...

GN: No no, he said chips which can be fried, preferably in da-da-da.

PA: He means they can be fried...

NP: He was saying, he was trying to make the point, as far as I'm concerned as chairman that that is his preference.

GN: As chairman, I respect you fully!

PA: He means they can be fried in rape oil.

NP: Are you feeling all right Pam?

GN: God, it's rough in the country, isn't it!

NP: Clement an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, 32 seconds, chips is still with you starting now.

CF: The very thick ones in France are called pompeur neuf, followed by freight which are thinner, allumette which are yet more thin, and pied which are of hardly any circumference at all. As the cook, which I was many years ago, at the Dorchester working in the vegetable department, it was my duty to stand over the frying pan which was deep and then contained rather poor quality corn oil to submerge...


NP: Marcus challenged.

MB: Hasn't there been a repetition of oil?

NP: Yes.

CF: No.

GN: It was fat.

NP: It was goose fat he said before.

MB: Oh yes.

NP: Yes, so an incorrect challenge, Clement another point, and he has half a second on chips starting now.

CF: Technological.


NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And he's just behind Marcus Brigstocke, and they're both just ahead of Pam Ayres and Graham Norton.

PA: I'm always last!

NP: Darling we don't have you, the point, we're here because we love you. Your contribution's so beautiful and...

PA: Yes and I am such a looker!

NP: Yes! The subject now is baboons and Marcus we... and Marcus it's your turn to begin and there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

MB: I hardly know where to start with this particular subject given what you've just done to lovely Pam over there. But I will say the baboon is probably my favourite of all the primates, on account of its fantastically bright bottom! I've often wished that I could have something as spectacular as...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. No I don't think he hesitated.


GN: Back off audience!

MB: It's all very sweet of you. I have to say I thought I hesitated! So it's Clement and I against you.

NP: No I don't think you hesitated.

MB: You don't? Good, well as long as you don't! You're the chairman, I'll crack on then.

NP: No you have the benefit of the doubt on this occasion and you have 44 seconds for baboons starting now.

MB: I've often wished that my back end could...


NP: Graham Norton.

GN: Whew! Um repetition of often.

NP: Yes that's right. You've often wanted to do this and baboons. Graham tell us something about baboons, there are 42 seconds left starting now.

GN: Baboons are the spawn of the devil planted on Earth! They are vile creatures. I go to Cape Point and they have these baboons there, in South Africa. And they're just eeeeeeevil! Have I said evil?


NP: Yes. Pam yes?

PA: I think it's a repetition of evil.

NP: Yes.

GN: You can't say it enough!

MB: Although to be fair, the first time he said evil, the second time he said eeeeeeevil!

GN: I was just remembering them.

NP: Absolutely. Right, 28 seconds Pam, baboons starting now.

PA: Speaking as a baboon look-alike, I have often thought that visits to the zoo can be very very embarrassing...


PA: Oh bugger!

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition.

PA: Ohhh!

NP: Very very embarrassing yes! Very very, right Clement, correct challenge, 20 seconds, baboon starting now.

CF: I don't know any baboons, nor have I met people. But somebody once said...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: You must have met someone Clement!

CF: It's past my bedtime!

NP: So Graham you have 15 seconds, baboons starting now.

GN: I came back to my car to find a baboon sitting on the roof where it had done, I'm sorry, a very large poo. It's not the sort of thing you want after a picnic. But I dealt with it quietly and conclusively...


NP: And at the end of the round it's a very close contest. In fourth place, strangely enough, surprisingly, was Graham Norton. Just ahead of him was Pam Ayres in third place who says she comes last, she doesn't, she comes in third place. Clement Freud almost got out in the lead. He was pipped by one point by Marcus Brigstocke so we say that this week Marcus you are the winner! So it only remains for me to say thank you to these four delightful players of the game, Graham Norton, Marcus Brigstocke, Pam Ayres and Clement Freud. I thank Charlotte Davies who has helped me with the score, she's blown her whistle delicately and charmingly when the 60 seconds elapsed. We thank our producer-director Claire Jones. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And we are very grateful to this lovely audience here at the Mermaid Theatre down in Puddledock. From our audience, from me Nicholas Parsons, and from our panel, good-bye and listeners, please tune in the next time we play Just A Minute!