NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners, not only in this country and of course throughout the world. But also to welcome to the programme four exciting, talented performers who are going to show their skill and expertise as they speak on a subject I give them, and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And they are, seated on my right, that master of improvised ad lib comedy, Paul Merton. And seated beside him, we have that mistress of sophisticated spontaneous humour, Sue Perkins. And seated on my left we have another improvise comedian, and also a comedy writer, Tony Hawks. And seated beside him we have someone who has escaped from the confines of Ambridge to show that he has a way with improvised humour, that is Charles Collingwood. Would you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Charlotte Davies, she is going to help me with the score, she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the magnificent Theatre Royal in the heart of that fine city of Newcastle, in that great area of the British Isles, Tyneside. (in Geordie accent) We have a real Geordie audience, waiting to cheer us on our way. (normal voice) I think, Paul, the subject I have in front of me is how to get a good night's sleep. Oh don't listen to Nicholas Parsons doing his dialects! Sixty seconds starting now.

PAUL MERTON: How to get a good night's sleep, some experts recommend activity during the day. Try and wear your brain and body out. When I go to sleep at night, I tend to listen to old CDs, Paul Temple cases written by Francis Derbridge, recorded by the British Broadcasting Corporation from the 40s onwards. They're rather complicated stories with twists in the narratives...


NP: Charles Collingwood challenged.

CHARLES COLLINGWOOD: Repetition of stories.

NP: Yes, there was a lot of stories.

PM: Was there?

NP: Yes there was indeed yes. So Charles you have a correct challenge, well listened, and you take, you get a point for that of course, you take over the subject, you have 41 seconds available, how to get a good night's sleep starting now.

CC: Now this is a trick I have. I find the best way of getting a good night's sleep is to think about our chairman, Nicholas Parsons, and his career. And I go back to the days when he was starring with Arthur Haynes. And as his career moves on, I suddenly...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of career.

NP: What a pity!

CC: What a shame!

NP: Yes!

CC: But I was nearly asleep actually, there was just...

NP: Oh well all right, you've spoilt it all now.

CC: Sorry!

NP: I thought you were a friend. Right, now you have a correct challenge Paul, you have a point, you have 27 seconds, take over, take back how to get a good night's sleep starting now.

PM: Drink an entire bottle of whisky and you will soon find that the sleep will, will...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged this time.

TONY HAWKS: I think he used a word from the Azerbaijani dictionary.

NP: That's right, so we interpret that as hesitation.

TH: Hesitation.

NP: Tony you have a correct challenge, you have 21 seconds, a point of course, how to get a good night's sleep starting now.

TH: I've never understood it when people say they've had a good night's sleep, they say they've slept like a...


NP: Whoops! Sue you've challenged.

SUE PERKINS: Repetition of say.

TH: Yes.

NP: Yes well listened Sue. You get that little ah from the audience yes.

SP: Hostility is the word you're looking for!

NP: We're hearing from everybody in the first round, this is lovely. How to get a good night's sleep is now with you Sue and 17 seconds available starting now.

SP: Diazepam, Tomalzipan, Skullcap, Valear and I'm feeling in a slightly more homeopathic frame of mind which I often am of an evening. If neither of those things work, why not put a bucket on your head and run, flat towards a...


NP: Tony you challenged.

TH: I think there was a slight hesitation actually.

NP: I know, before she put the bucket on her head.

TH: Yeah.

SP: I was disorientated!

NP: I know! I could feel it, you just didn't know where you were. But Tony's got in with another correct challenge and six seconds available, how to get a good night's sleep Tony starting now.

TH: Drinking a bottle of any kind of alcoholic beverage will assist...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well if you drink a miniature that won't make any difference! So it can't be a bottle of any...

NP: I think that's a clever, I think that's a, I have to give you the benefit of the doubt, yes. Paul you've cleverly got in with two seconds to go on this subject starting now.

PM: Make yourself a milky drink late at night...


NP: Whoever is speaking in this game when the whistle goes gains an extra point, on this occasion it was Paul Merton and he has got three at the end of the round. Tony has two, the others both have one. And we move on to Sue Perkins to begin the next round. Sue the subject is footsie. Tell us something about footsie in this game starting now.

SP: Whatever you do, don't ah make the mistake that I...


CC: There was a bit of hesitation in that.

NP: I know, it's a bit mean, she hardly got going.

CC: All right, well, I mean, aren't we playing the game? I'll go and do something else if we're not playing the game!

SP: Audience, rise, and charge against him!

CC: I'll go and listen to The Archers if we're not playing the game!

NP: No, sit down again Charles, sit down, pull yourself together. It was a correct challenge, we're a bit generous at the beginning. So as it was a correct challenge you have to have it, and the point, and the subject, 58 seconds, footsie starting now.

CC: When I ring my broker up, every morning, I just try to find out if my shares are doing well...


NP: Sue challenged.

SP: I just wanted to point out, he's now alienated all of Newcastle! Can I have my subject back?

NP: But he was of course speaking as, um, what's, Brian aren't you, there.

CC: If you like. It's got Charles written down here!

NP: In your character of Brian.

CC: Sorry.

NP: What was your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

SP: Ah repetition of...

NP: Nothing! Right! Charles you have another point...

SP: My! Repetition of my.

PM: When I phone up my stockbroker to find out how my shares are doing.

NP: As, as, as you were so mean to her, I'm going to be mean to you and say... as Paul tipped her off there. But anyway so, Paul well listened, Sue well won, 53 seconds, back with you now, footsie starting now.

SP: Don't ever make the mistake of confusing FTSE, the London share index, with the under-the-table sexual foreplay game, as I did, whilst running my foot up the inner thigh of the chairman of Glaxo-Welcom. "Get out" he shouted, and security were called, and I was dragged hence from the building. Equally I find it confusing when I'm opposite a partner. They suggest perhaps something...


NP: Ah Charles challenged.

CC: Can I say hesitation now.

NP: You can but I don't think it, I don't think it was a hesitation.

CC: Okay.

NP: It was very close...

CC: Oh sorry, you're the judge, fair enough.

NP: I have to...

CC: Sorry Sue.

NP: No, I'm not being mean, I always try to be as fair as I can. Sue, another point to you, 30 seconds, footsie starting now.

SP: Equally somebody asked me to play footsie and I recited the current medical technology stocks and shares which must have bored them rigid...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Did she repeat shares?

PM: No, share index before.

NP: One was singular, the other was plural. Sue you...

TH: Is she, is she sleeping with Paul now?

CC: Is Paul having an affair with her?

SP: He's tipping me off!

NP: They're working as a team over there. Right, 23 seconds, footsie with you Sue starting now.


NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: Hesitation!

NP: That was clever tactics! You know, you were basking in the fact that ... Right! So anyway, Paul correct challenge, 23 and a half, footsie's with you Paul starting now.

PM: I have a five-year-old nephew and he can't pronounce the word football. Because he refers to it as footsie. This is an extraordinary thing for him to do because he doesn't exist, I just made him up.


NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Deviating from his normal family structure, inventing a nephew.

NP: Well the whole point is that he didn't deviate within the rules of Just A Minute. And you can be as inventive...

PM: You can invent nephews, can't you Nicholas.

SP: Yes all right.

NP: You can be surreal as you like.

SP: But outside of this game...

NP: If you were to say he definitely hasn't got a nephew, then ah none of us could dispute it. He might be able to produce one. So I think I have to give the benefit... You can be as inventive as you like and go into the realm of the surreal...

TH: I had a barbecue recently and Paul said he couldn't come because he was spending the day with his five-year-old nephew.

PM: That's when he first entered the world!

NP: Anyway you only have the benefit of the doubt on this one so...

PM: Yeah.

NP: You keep the subject, 11 seconds, footsie starting now.

PM: As I looked into her eyes, and she in turn viewed...


NP: Sue challenged.

SP: I thought he was a nephew! He's changed gender!

NP: Well he didn't establish...

PM: I left the nephew behind.

SP: Ah!

NP: He's gone off into a different realm now.

PM: He existed purely for comedic purposes.

NP: He's gone off into a different voice. Different sort of... so that challenge was incorrect, so Paul has still seven seconds on footsie starting now.

PM: I remember the very first time I engaged in the activity of footsie while flying in a plane. Five thousand feet up in the air...


NP: So Paul got points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went and he's increased his lead over the other three. And Charles Collingwood, will you take the next round. A perfect choice for you Charles, Admiral Collingwood. You have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CC: As everybody in this wonderful theatre knows, Admiral Lord Collingwood is a son of this wonderful city...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I didn't know that.

NP: All right, well what I do there is I give Tony a bonus point because we enjoyed his interruption. But Charles gets a point because he was interrupted...

TH: Can we have longer than a minute? I need to learn a lot about this man.

NP: He's got 54 seconds to inform you...

TH: Oh!

NP: ... as he carries on with Admiral Collingwood starting now.

CC: Indeed Tony is right. Because I thought this evening it should be called Just A Quarter Of An Hour. Because there's no way I can possibly describe this man of the salt in...


NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Repetition of this.

CC: I'm sorry Sue, this is the son of the city! These people, Admiral Collingwood means so much to these people! How you feel you can mention... am I not right, ladies and gentlemen?


CC: Yes! Was he not greater than Nelson?

TH: No, you've mistaken this for a rally!

SP: Yes!

CC: No I haven't!

TH: She's allowed to talk about him now! That's the point. It's her turn.

SP: And I've no idea who he is!

TH: Yeah!

NP: Well we'll see what happens because I will give you a bonus point because the audience enjoyed your tirade and the emotion that you evoked. So Charles gets a bonus point, Sue gets a point for a correct challenge, and she has 46 seconds on Admiral Collingwood starting now.

SP: Paul's five-year-old nephew came up to me the other day and said...


NP: Charles challenged.

CC: That was a complete waste of time! If we are going to have Admiral Collingwood as the subject, to even mention Paul's nephew! There's only now about 40 seconds left about this great man. Give these people a chance!

NP: Charles...

CC: They had little enough chance last year! Look at it! Look at their reaction!

NP: I think you should be applauding the pig's thighs and Penny Hassert or something. But she, she probably is about to say...

SP: I'm about to go into...

NP: Just about to say about...

CC: All right.

NP: ... this nephew came up and said "could you tell me something about Charles, Admiral Collingwood."

SP: Yes.

CC: Sorry, I'll take a tablet, I'm sorry.

PM: He still talks very excitably about this conversation!

NP: Another point to Sue Perkins, 43 seconds...

CC: Sorry Sue.

NP: ... Admiral Collingwood, Sue starting now.

SP: "Who is Admiral Collingwood?" he said to me, his eyes wide open. And I turned around, laid a hand on his shoulder, and said "do you know what? I have no idea whatsoever." But every time his name is mentioned in this beautiful theatre, a cheer erupts...


NP: Charles challenged.

CC: Repetition of theatre.

NP: You did mention theatre before.

SP: No...

CC: It was mentioned before.

NP: It was mentioned...

SP: I've never known a crowd turn more quickly between booing and hissing to then, just feeling sorry for me. I'm loving it.

PM: They're dangerous aren't they!

NP: So Sue you have another point because you didn't mention theatre before.

CC: Sorry Sue.

SP: That's all right.

NP: And you have 31 seconds, carry on with Admiral Collingwood starting now.

SP: (makes clicking noise) But not let the...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of (makes clicking noise). Second time in a row!

SP: Yeah. Yeah.

NP: She does that little sort of funny whispery...

PM: It's very enchanting. But repetitious.

SP: Yes. And great after wine.

NP: Paul, Paul, that would be very unfair to take it away from her. I don't think you should start like that again Sue. I think Paul's interruption was just too dramatic. But he gets a bonus point because they loved what he just said. But you get the benefit of the doubt, no, not him, it's her. Sue has the subject still, 30 seconds...

SP: It shows he can still identify genders!

NP: It's abbreviation when it's... Admiral Collingwood is still with you Sue, 30 seconds starting now.

SP: Br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br I said...


TH: That was a definite repetition of br!

NP: Tony...

SP: If I'd gone br-br-br-br br-br-br-br, a, I'd sound like I was revving a motorcycle...

NP: It was a repetition of br.

TH: Yeah.

NP: You made that sound, it was a repetitious sound, it went on and on and on. I've given you three benefits of the doubt, Tony Hawks has the benefit of the doubt now, Tony, benefit of the doubt to you. Poor Charles is sitting there so deeply in neurosis, he wants to talk about...

CC: It's such an insult to the great man to have people going br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br and things. It's dreadful! But the audience understands, don't you. Just nod!


TH: You'll be all right, you're in safe hands. Don't you worry.

NP: Tony, benefit of the doubt to you so you have a point for that, 29 seconds, Admiral Collingwood starting now.

TH: The Admiral Collingwood is a beautiful pub in Hartlepool where I go and spend evenings of footsie, that they have on there which is fantastic fun. Where everyone gets together, they put their little legs...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Paul, 19 seconds, you tell us something about Admiral Collingwood starting now.

PM: One of the most famous homosexuals of his day, he never...


NP: Charles you challenged.

CC: (shouting) That was such deviation from, may I say...

SP: It may have been deviation then, but now it's an accepted sexual practice...

PM: Yes!

SP: ... and we need to move on!

PM: You should be proud!

CC: It's deviation from a deviant, no less! How dare you say that about him!

NP: Charles...

PM: They were all at it in those days!

NP: Charles we have no proof that he didn't have a little bit of a ding-dong with Nelson.

CC: He said, Nelson said "kiss me Hardy", not "kiss me Collingwood"!

SP: They were all at it, they were queuing to have a crack at Nelson!

CC: He didn't say "kiss me Collingwood", Nicholas!

NP: Charles, they were away for weeks and months on their own on these ships! They had to get some, they had to get some emotional relief...

CC: I know, and it was jolly good fun!

NP: Charles, in fairness to you, I give the benefit of the doubt around, you have the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, because you're dying to get the subject back! Sixteen seconds, all quiet please, Charles Collingwood on Admiral Collingwood.

CC: Admiral Lord Collingwood whose name was Cuthbert, but whose nickname was Cuddy had no sons. He had two daughters...


PM: Thus proving my point!

NP: Actually I must be fair, Sue actually pressed her buzzer before you, and I ignored it, what was your challenge Sue?

SP: Well the repetition of his full name. Actually it's only...

NP: He did repeat the word Lord.

SP: Lord.

NP: That's right.

SP: And Lord isn't in the...

NP: The subject on the card is Admiral Collingwood.

PM: Yes.

NP: He repeated Lord.

PM: Yeah.

NP: So you were correct Sue.

SP: Yes! For me a cheer, and later a hiss!

NP: Ten seconds, tell us something about, something more about Admiral Collingwood, 10 seconds Sue, starting now.

SP: The finest gallivant gay of his time did indeed have no sons, but a couple of prize daughters...


NP: Charles challenged.

CC: Repetition of sons.

NP: No.

CC: Oh because she said sons. I'm just so angry, Nicholas!

NP: I know.

CC: I wish I had some deodorant, I really do! I'm coming out in such a sweat here.

TH: Yes I'm...

NP: Yes I do agree that he wasn't a rampant homosexual. So maybe...

PM: He was an Admiral, let's face it!

CC: It was deviation Nicholas, you must do that.

NP: Yes I know.

SP: We were talking about his daughters.

CC: He's buried in St Paul's, for God's sake!

NP: I know!

CC: He wasn't a rampant homosexual!

NP: It's a great... Charles as you want to finish on this subject, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt for deviation for what Sue said. And you have five seconds, please don't interrupt him! Five seconds, Admiral Collingwood starting now.

CC: There was a pub in this... city...


NP: Oh you...

CC: Just testing!

NP: Paul?

PM: Hesitation! Hesitate, th-th-th-this! Th-th-th-th-that's all folks!

NP: I said please don't interrupt him.

CC: I know, I was just testing you out! Sorry.

NP: He did hesitate.

CC: He did.

NP: Paul you've got a correct challenge, three seconds, Admiral Collingwood starting now.

PM: As his eyes scanned the horizon, looking for the prettiest boy in Portsmouth...


NP: Paul was speaking as the whistle went, he's, oh Sue is catching up! She got a lot of points in that round. Oh no Paul's got another one, Charlotte's just given it to him. Put it in there. Yes because he was speaking as the whistle went so he's gone up to 10, yeah. Sue is on nine, Charles is on six, Tony's on four. And um, just before we carry on Charles, can you very briefly tell us anything else about Admiral Charles Collingwood, to just dispel the terrible things that were said about him by the rest of the panel?

CC: Well all these people know about him, so that's good. But in fact he was born here and he went to school here. He went to the Navy, he was second in command to Nelson at Trafalgar. And when Nelson died, Collingwood took over the Battle of Trafalgar and won. He became head of the British Fleet, and he didn't see his wife or his two daughters for the last four years of his life. And he had...

NP: A bonus point to Charles Collingwood. And finally, are you related?

CC: I am.

NP: Oh! How exciting!

CC: Yes!

SP: If you'd given me Anthony Perkins to have talked about...

NP: Oh yes it had to be, didn't it. Geordies.


PM: You don't know what I'm going to say!

NP: Right, Geordies, 60 seconds Paul, starting now.

PM: It's traditionally one of the hardest accents and dialects to master, if you're not actually from this area. One tip, if you mention two of Walt Disney's characters, it does help to get your tongue around the vowel sound. I'll give you an example. (in Geordie accent) Mickey Mouse and Pluto! (normal voice) Now other ways of perfecting it is to mention famous composers like (in Geordie accent) Shostakovich.


NP: Oh that was brilliant stuff, Paul, we'd love you to continue. But unfortunately you dried yourself up and paused. So Tony challenged first and Tony, you have 37 seconds on Geordies starting now.

TH: One of my favourite Geordies has to be Paul Gascoigne, not just because of the contributions he made on the football pitch, but because of his records. Oh they were wonderful...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Because, repetition of because.

NP: Because, because, because. Paul you have Geordies back, and more of it please, 28 seconds starting now.

PM: (in Geordie accent) Shoppenhauer (normal voice) is another one, he wrote beautiful music in the 19th century. And as you walk around Newcastle, I was only here three weeks ago on a Friday night, having played one of the other theatres in this beautiful city. And you notice that when it gets to about midnight, people start coming into their oh...


NP: Yes Charles you challenged.

CC: Hesitation.

NP: Yes well, whatever it was, right.

CC: Hesitation.

NP: Eleven seconds, on Geordies with you Charles starting now.

CC: My favourite Geordie plays cricket for Durham. His name is Paul Collingwood, what a surprise that was! And of course there are lots of others...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Is he related to the Admiral?

CC: No!

NP: Paul we enjoyed the interruption, it's only fair to give you a bonus point. But it wasn't a correct challenge. But you get a point for an incorrect challenge Charles, and you have four seconds on Geordies starting now.

CC: Paul was quite correct...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Repetition of Paul.

NP: Paul, Paul Collingwood.

CC: Oh!

NP: As that is not the subject on the card, Paul Collingwood, it is Geordies. And you've got in with three seconds on Geordies, Tony, starting now.

TH: (in Geordie accent) The fog on the Tyne is all mine, all mine...



NP: Yes you were very lucky there, because you were saying mine as the whistle went. And Sue actually challenged, it was for that, wasn't it.

SP: It was indeed.

NP: It's a difficult decision to make. So Sue better have a bonus point because she did actually challenge on the mine as the whistle went. So that's the only fair thing to do. Tony gets a point for speaking as the whistle went, now it's all fair square...

SP: Charles do you have any other relatives we should know about now?

CC: I'll just drop them in throughout the evening!

NP: Tony Hawks and Paul Merton are equal in the lead, followed equal in second place, Sue Perkins and Charles Collingwood. How very fair. And we're moving into the final round. Sue will you tell us something on Catherine Cookson. She is the next subject we have on this show, starting now.

SP: Catherine Cookson is a fine novelist from this great region. And indeed her books count for one third of total library borrowings. In Tilly Trotter, which was a book we had at Croydon, which I seem to remember had huge letters like a large print book. And it was the only book you could read...


SP: Book, book, book!

NP: Tony, Tony you challenged first, you have a correct challenge, 47 seconds, Catherine Cookson starting now.

TH: It's a little known fact that Catherine Cookson is also a magnificent biographer, and wrote one about the Admiral Collingwood. Which Charles read many years ago and he believed many of the lies that were...


NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Repetition of many.

NP: Yes, right, well listened Sue, correct challenge, 35 seconds, back with you, Catherine Cookson starting now.

SP: Her books were so huge, my grandmother...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Repetition of books.

NP: Yes!

TH: She said it...

NP: Tony you listened well.

SP: It was book before.

TH: You said books as well.

SP: Oh possibly.

NP: You did say books.

SP: I'm just in a loop now.

NP: Thirty-three seconds, Catherine Cookson starting now.

TH: My friend Catherine is a fanatical cook. Catherine cooks on and on and...


NP: Charles you challenged.

CC: I had two ons. We can't have on and on.

TH: Well one of them was in Cookson, you see.

CC: Cooks, no, no, no, it wasn't, Catherine cooks on and on.

SP: You don't know anything about Catherine Cookson, either, do you?

TH: No I don't! No I can't afford to argue, I know nothing about her!

NP: You were right Charles, he did separate the on from the cooks and there were two ons. So you have a correct challenge, 26 seconds, Catherine Cookson starting now.

CC: Now I have to confess I know very little about Catherine Cookson. But I did have an uncle who was Archer Cookson who...


NP: Sue challenged.

SP: Please make it stop!

NP: What's your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

SP: My challenge is, this is a quintessential parlour game, which provides entertainment for all. It is not an excuse for wheeling your family tree and giving everyone...

NP: The thing is, Sue, you can keep going in any way you wish in Just A Minute...

TH: Yes.

CC: We've had his nephew and all that! What are you talking about Sue!

NP: Providing it's interesting or entertaining, and we keep going and don't hesitate or...

TH: Ah well we might be on difficult ground there!

PM: Keeping going is the best option, I think!

NP: Incorrect challenge Charles, you have another point, Catherine Cookson, 20 seconds starting now.

CC: It may be only 20 seconds to you Nicholas, but for me to talk about Catherine Cookson it will feel a total age. Because I know absolutely zilch...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I think he said "I know very little about her" when he first started.

NP: Yes he did.

TH: So repetition of know.

NP: That's right, he said "I know nothing about her," now "absolutely".

CC: How right I was!

TH: Yes! Fortunately I know lots and lots about her!

NP: Well you've got 11 seconds to tell...


CC: Lots!

TH: I haven't started yet! The beauty of life is you can repeat things outside of the game! Though I try not to!

NP: So Tony you've got 11 seconds inside the game to tell us more about Catherine Cookson starting now.

TH: I had the great privilege of meeting Catherine Cookson...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well you've said you know nothing about her! Now you suddenly reveal at the end of this that you actually met the woman! And yet you have not gleaned any personal information to give us anecdotes. You've talked about I don't know this woman...

TH: Well I'm about to explain...

PM: You're about to explain, when? Next week? When's that going to be?

NP: No I think that's a sound challenge. You did establish...

SP: Was she gagged at the time?

TH: Well hang on, I might have been about to say and she refused to tell me anything at all whatsoever!

PM: We don't know.

NP: Tony, just the obvious, the mere fact that you met her means you could not say you know nothing about Catherine Cookson.

PM: You'll know what she looks like.

NP: Because you met her.

TH: Well I've got 14 nephews!

NP: No I think...

TH: Fibbing, I mean, fibbing's not an offence in this game.

NP: Benefit of the doubt to Paul, a point to him and the subject, seven seconds, Catherine Cookson starting now.

PM: One of her most famous novels is also again one of the phrases that helps you to say a Geordie accent. (in Geordie accent) Terracotta Pots. (normal voice) It's a wonderful book...


NP: So Paul was speaking as the whistle went, gained that last point. So let me give you the final situation. Sue Perkins who dd so extraordinarily well...

SP: But ended so badly!

NP: No! You haven't ended badly at all, you've ended alongside Charles Collingwood, and that can't be bad.

CC: No!

SP: We both brought up the rear.

NP: You brought up the rear but what wonderful rears you both brought up. And...

PM: Was he Rear-Admiral Collingwood, by the way? Was he Rear-Admiral Collingwood?

CC: Vice!

PM: Vice! It's worse, it's Vice! Vice-Admiral.

NP: He started as a, he became a Vice-Admiral and then a Rear-Admiral, and finished up as a full Admiral.

PM: Oh.

NP: And certainly when he took over from Nelson, as Charles said, he was a full Admiral by then. But Charles and Sue finished equal in second place. So therefore you've realised we have, out in the lead, just ahead of them, two people who are in first place, which is Paul Merton and Tony Hawks, so we say they are the joint winners this week! Thank you, thank you, it only remains for me to say thank you to these four intrepid players of the game, Paul Merton, Sue Perkins, Tony Hawks and Charles Collingwood. And I say thank you to our lovely whistle-blower who has helped me with the score as well, that is Charlotte Davies. We thank our producer-director who is Claire Jones. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this lovely game. And we are deeply indebted to this lovely audience here at the Theatre Royal in Newcastle. So from them, from me Nicholas Parsons, and from the panel, good-bye. Don't forget to tune in the next time we play Just A Minute! Till then good-bye!