JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,LFraser
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and LIZ FRASER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 11 November 1975)

NOTE: Peter Jones's 100th appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Liz Fraser in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And we have three regular players of the game, as you've heard. And we welcome back after a long absence, to take the fourth seat, or sometimes known as the lady's chair, Elizabeth Fraser, or Liz Fraser, as she is. And we're going to begin the show with Peter Jones. But just to remind you, they're going to try and speak if they can for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition or deviation until they're challenged. Peter the subject to start the show is the biggest laugh I ever had. Would you talk on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: One of the hugest laughs I think I ever had was in this very studio. I was chairman of a panel game, I've forgotten the name of it! And I er, the subject of a second honeymoon came up, and I mentioned that my wife had suggested that we had one. And then I said "yes certainly" and she said "where shall we go" and I suggested Lourdes. Well, everybody laughed on that occasion! And unfortunately a number of people wrote in from all over the country complaining that I had given offence and upset their religious er sensitivities, you see. And of course the joke was really against me or my wife or both of us...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of wife.

NP: Yes your wife did come in more than once Peter. So you repeated the word wife. So Clement you have a correct challenge for which you gain a point and you take over the subject of the biggest laugh I ever had and there are 15 seconds to go starting now.

CF: I suppose that I've had laughs of a similar size to that of my colleague, Peter Jones. Especially the story about a man who was walking down the street, went into a shop and said "do you doctor cats?" To which the shopkeeper said "yes we do" to which the customer...

WHISTLE

NP: Ian Messiter, observing the rules of the game, correctly blew the whistle after 60 seconds which tells us, and whoever is speaking as you know at that particular moment gains an extra point. So Clement Freud, though he was interrupted in the payoff of his story got an extra point for speaking then. He's the only one to score in that round. Kenneth Williams would you begin the next round. The subject which Ian has thought of for you is going too far. Oh would you...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser's challenged.

LIZ FRASER: I just think he looks lovely!

NP: I can't give you a bonus point for that. I think you've gone too far already! I'll ask Kenneth to talk on the subject for Just A Minute if he can starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: This actually occurred to me physically. I should have got another train at Crewe and failed to do so. And did arrive at a place called Blackpool but I should have arrived at Liverpool...

BUZZ

NP: And Liz Fraser has challenged.

LF: Arrived twice.

NP: Yes he arrived twice, which is a very difficult thing to do...

KW: Well I think you should give people a chance to get under way! I mean...

CF: Better to arrive twice than never to have gone to Crewe!

NP: Liz Fraser, a point...

PJ: Not for the people of Crewe it isn't!

NP: ... for a correct challenge and you take the subject and there are 48 seconds left, going too far starting now.

LF: I don't think Kenneth ever goes too far, he hasn't a car to start with. I hate going very far, in fact if I go more than a hundred yards, I feel as if I've been going for a very long walk. I'm not particularly ah... well someone interrupt me.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well hesitation.

NP: Yes a very definite... Kenneth a point to you and 33 seconds for going too far starting now.

KW: No because it can be assumed as part of the business of the actual giving off of energy and effervescence and buoyancy and people say "well I don't think that amount of vehemence or emphasis is truly necessary, I think it's all going a bit far, you see..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: What's the matter with him?

CF: Repetition of I think.

NP: I think he was wondering how long you could keep up that effervescent impossibility of going too far. Fifteen seconds Clement, going too far starting now.

CF: John O'Groats and Land's End are two places which instantly spring to mind when you're thinking of going too far. The northern one would be reached through Watford, Sheffield, York, Bannockburn...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: It's just slowing down to nothing!

NP: And with you breathing in his ear...

KW: Just a dreary itinerary wasn't it!

NP: I must explain to the listeners first that you were breathing down his ear, right into it all the time.

KW: I wasn't! I wasn't! It was a hot kiss! Just to show affection, in this day and age, there's too little of it about! There's too little of it anywhere!

NP: For anybody to keep going while someone's...

KW: I'd like someone to come up to me in a dark alley! I'd like anyone...

NP: Kenneth!

KW: I'd love to see anyone take advantage of me!

NP: You've gone too far!

KW: Eh?

NP: You're going too far again.

KW: Oh sorry! What's the subject?

NP: The subject is going too far.

KW: Oh I see! Oh yes!

NP: And you've gone too far too much.

KW: And who gets it?

NP: You get it.

KW: Oh good!

NP: You'll have it in a minute if you’re not careful!

KW: How long have I got?

NP: You'll have it from Clement Freud if he starts kissing him on his way to John O'Groats.

CF: I quite enjoyed it!

NP: There's half a second Kenneth on going too far starting now.

KW: I did it with a glass of port once...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams got the extra point, speaking as the whistle went...

KW: So I've gone into the lead, right?

NP: Yes with Clement Freud.

KW: Oh? Sharing the lead then.

NP: Yes.

KW: I see.

NP: That's what it means.

KW: Good.

NP: And Clement it's your turn to begin, the subject is not going far enough. Would you talk on that one for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

CF: In April, nineteen hundred and fifty-eight, I was invited to go to Caracas in Venezuela and when I reached the Red Hill...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Liz Fraser.

LF: My finger... deviated.

NP: Well I'm afraid that if you interrupt somebody when they are going and you haven't got a correct challenge, they get a point for an incorrect one. So ah 50 seconds left Clement on not going far enough starting now.

CF: The local stationmaster at Reigate said you haven't gone far enough, you have another seven thousand four hundred and twenty-eight miles which you should have...

BUZZ

NP: And ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes a very definite hesitation yes. And there are 40 seconds on not going far enough Peter starting now.

PJ: I've never thought that the best way to get to Caracas was via Reigate. I think a much better point of departure would be Southampton and you'd wait until a liner arrives and then you board it having paid your fare...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, you don't got to Southampton and wait for liners to arrive. You go to Southampton when they're in dock waiting for you to go! If people arrived at Southampton waiting for liners to depart, there'd be an endless queue of them!

NP: Well...

KW: You'd be deranged to travel in that fashion! Where do you come from? Have you ever been abroad?

NP: Kenneth you're going too far again!

KW: Mmmm!

NP: Obviously it's much better to go to Southampton when the ship has docked...

CF: Do you think I could support Peter Jones, because I have an interest in a hotel in Southampton!

NP: So Kenneth...

CF: We are tremendously in favour of people coming down and waiting for the boat to Caracas!

NP: Well there, Clement...

CF: We call them permanent customers!

NP: You are, not going far enough Peter is still with you and there are 27 seconds left starting now.

PJ: It was because of strikes, that's why I suggested a stay of a few days. Better still, go to Liverpool, and you don't have to put up at shoddy hotel, you...

BUZZ

PJ: ... you can get straight on...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Ah...

NP: You're trying to think of one.

CF: It's deviation, no, it's deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: There are no shoddy hotels outside Liverpool.

NP: I could think of many but I'm not going to name them on the programme.

PJ: If you go to Liverpool, you don't have to stay in a shoddy hotel, that's reasonable.

NP: Peter I quite agree with you, you have a point for an incorrect challenge and you have 17 seconds on not going far enough starting now.

PJ: Caracas is in South America and that's where a great deal of oil comes from...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, ah repetition, he said Caracas in his last lot.

NP: Kenneth you have 13 seconds having got a point for a correct challenge, not going far enough starting now.

KW: The sergeant instructor when I was in the Army said to me "take your bayonet and rush down the field, and stick it in that sawdust dummy". And I tell you that I said "I love people, I don't want to stick things in them...."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of stick.

NP: There are two seconds Clement on not going far enough starting now.

CF: Watford Junction...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement getting in again just before the whistle gained the extra point and has increased his lead over Kenneth Williams at the end of that round, followed by Peter Jones and Liz Fraser in that order. Liz your turn to begin, the subject is making whoopee. Can you now, having lit up your cigar, tell us how you make whoopee in Just A Minute starting now.

LF: Making Whoopee is one of my favourite songs, in fact I'm very fond of music. I play records and cassettes and sit and enjoy for hours the recordings that are on the player. Um...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well she was just going towards a dreary halt.

NP: Kenneth there are 43 seconds on making whoopee starting now.

KW: This is done in various different ways. One of the most pleasant of course is to go to Battersea Fun Fair and have this candy floss...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud...

KW: ... get it all wrapped round your chops...

NP: ... has challenged you.

CF: Battersea Fun Fair is closed!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Whose side are you on?

NP: It hasn't been permanently closed.

PJ: No, probably all the better for the type of whoopee he had in mind!

NP: Oh! Well he can still go there and make whoopee even if it's closed, can't he?

KW: Yes.

NP: He can make his own little whoopee there. He wasn't deviating from the subject on the card so ah Kenneth you have 36 seconds to continue on making whoopee starting now.

KW: And on one occasion I did it by a sandwich party. And I thought it was to be indoors and turned up in a delightful lounge suit, only to find it was carrying sandwich boards in the gutter! I was...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of sandwich.

NP: Yes and the boards.

PJ: I don't know about boards.

NP: Peter you have the subject and another point and 25 seconds on making whoopee starting now.

PJ: Eddie Cantor sang that song originally in one of the first talking pictures I remember. And it was during the very late 20s, possibly early 30s. And I visualised at the time, being an innocent boy at school, that making whoopee was a pastime reserved for incredibly sophisticated adults and I couldn't really wait until...

WHISTLE

NP: You got some more points then Peter, you're one behind Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams who are now equal in the lead. And your turn to begin the next round. Peter the subject is changing a faulty article, would you talk on that for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

PJ: Well it is a public duty, I believe, to raise the standard of manufactured goods. Because many of them are faulty nowadays and in fact if you return one, you're quite likely to get er a similar...

BUZZ

NP: Um Liz Fraser challenged.

LF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Liz, you have the subject now, changing a faulty article starting now. Oh you want to know the time? It's 46 seconds left starting now.

LF: I didn't ask to know the time, thank you very much.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: She didn't answer the question, she just talked about the time.

NP: Well no, it doesn't matter, it could have been applied to changing a faulty article. You have a point there Liz for an incorrect challenge.

LF: Thank you very much.

NP: And you have 45 seconds for changing a faulty article starting now.

LF: I had a faulty article...

BUZZ

NP: You've been challenged again by Clement Freud.

CF: I'd like to give her another point for another incorrect challenge.

NP: You have 43 seconds for changing a faulty article starting now.

LF: The most expensive faulty article to change I think these days is a car. Unfortunately with the industry being as it is at the moment, frequently we are the possessors of automobiles which have to have things done to it and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Automobiles which have to have something done to it? Would be a deviation of grammar.

NP: And I would agree and you have a point and 25 seconds on...

LF: That's absolutely right.

NP: ... changing...

CF: I enjoyed it less that time.

NP: ... a faulty wheel, 25 seconds Clement starting now.

CF: Changing a faulty article.

NP: I'm sorry yes, changing a faulty...

KW: How did he get the job of chairman? He can't even read what's on the card!

NP: Yes this subject's creating a lot of faulty... changing a faulty article, 25 seconds starting now.

CF: I think all members of the Just A Minute team will remember when we...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser challenged.

LF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

LF: Clement's face moved!

NP: A bonus point for a good challenge but it's got nothing to do with the show. And Clement gets a point for the incorrect challenge before that and he carries on with 19 seconds left starting now.

LF: The day we went to the director-general of the British Broadcasting Corporation asking him to change the chairman of this panel game. "A faulty article such as that Nicholas Parsons," we cried, "must not be allowed to continue in office for one minute further, or 60 seconds..."

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Oh it's libellous, I couldn't go along with that. I didn't go along.

KW: Oh you crawler!

PJ: Oh no I'm not!

KW: Look at him, crawling round him, trying to get points...

PJ: I didn't go along to complain...

KW: He's gone red! Look at him!

PJ: ... to complain about the chairman because I know very well what it's like when that sort of thing is done to you.

NP: As they're all against me at this moment except Peter Jones, give Peter Jones a point...

PJ: Well I...

NP: ... and there's half a second...

PJ: I won't go in a delegation and complain to the director-general because I think if you write enough anonymous letters, that will do the trick!

NP: Peter Jones you have one fifth of a second to continue on the subject of changing a faulty article starting now.

PJ: Just as well...

BUZZ

NP: Someone challenged, I'm sorry, Clement Freud did challenge before the whistle. What was your challenge Clement?

CF: Hesitation I thought.

PJ: Rubbish! One fifth of a second?

NP: It's a rather difficult decision to make, but benefit of the doubt to Peter Jones and a fifth of a second, I don't think he hesitated, so he has two points there and he has a tenth of a second to continue on changing a faulty article starting now.

PJ: Well I think...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject Edward the Sixth. Would you talk on that historical subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This unfortunate young King was the result of the union between Jane Seymour and Henry the Eighth. And was a great espouser of the Lutheran cause and it is significant that during his reign, the Protestant prayer book was introduced into England and had an enormously far-reaching effect which I think it would be almost impossible in terms of logistics or indeed statistics to totally evaluate for the modern European intelligence. His uncle, as you all know, was called the Lord Protector and was originally Seymour, but was then replaced by...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser's challenged.

LF: Seymour twice.

NP: Yes we did have Jane...

KW: Well it was very good stuff! A lot more interesting than anything you could do!

LF: I thought it was marvellous!

KW: Yes!

LF: I hated to...

KW: You have no right to interrupt! You've done loads of things wrong that we weren't picking you up for earlier on when you were burbling on about some all faulty rubbish that you had to repair.

NP: The audience showed their appreciation of your magnificent effort. Liz you have a correct challenge and 20 seconds on Edward the Sixth starting now.

LF: So that was Edward the Sixth? I wasn't quite sure but now you've said the little bit of history that you have I recollect that he was very young when he came to the throne, and he was very young when he...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

LF: Young twice.

CF: Yes.

NP: Yes. Clement you have seven seconds on Edward the Sixth starting now.

CF: In fact it was fifteen hundred and forty-seven when he acceded to the throne, and fifteen-fifty-three when he died...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of 15.

CF: Oh!

NP: Yes, half a second, Edward the Sixth, Peter starting now.

PJ: He had a rather melancholy...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones got in again before the whistle and he's taken the lead at the end of that round. Clement it's your turn to begin again and the subject is banquets. Could you tell us something about those in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Edward the Sixth only had a very small banquet when he came to the throne, mainly because he was young and it was fifteen-hundred-and-forty-seven and six years later he died. But I went to a banquet the other day and began with ptarmigan which starts with a P, which wouldn't have been a bad idea today. And followed with broccoli, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, broad beans...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: What did the brussel sprouts begin with?

NP: A seed in the ground!

PJ: But he said, if he is going to spell out ptarmigan, and tell us how that begins...

NP: But you didn't challenge on that...

PJ: Because I knew you wouldn't have accepted it!

NP: Clement keeps the subject and there are 32 seconds on banquets starting now.

CF: My old granny...

BUZZ

NP: Peter's challenged again.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: No, he did it you and I didn't give it to you, I mean I gave it to you against Clement. So Clement it's incorrect, 31 seconds on banquets starting now.

CF: One of my elderly nursemaids used to say, challenge on brussel sprouts and...

BUZZ

CF: ... repeat on baked beans!

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This nursemaid and the recollections he has of her dreary conversation has nothing at all to do with banquets. Therefore it's deviation.

NP: Kenneth you have 26 seconds on banquets starting now.

KW: The Elizabethans had colossal ones and served sucking pig and stuffed aubergine and marvellous great birds with things coming out of their mouths...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser has challenged.

LF: I don't think the Elizabethans had aubergines.

KW: You must be mad! Anna of Aquitaine, she was doing aubergines before you had hot dinners!

NP: Kenneth you have 10 seconds on banquets starting now.

KW: And the toastmaster would rise and cry out, "my lords, ladies and gentlemen, I now call upon..."

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser's challenged.

LF: I think that's incorrect because if it was an Elizabethan...

KW: We've passed on from that! We're not on the Elizabethan now, dear! We don't have to stay on that, it was another banquet.

LF: The toastmaster would probably say "your Royal Highness" because...

NP: It depends who was there, Liz.

LF: The Queen was there.

NP: Really?

KW: We've passed on from that banquet. This is another one.

NP: This is the problem because...

CF: I went to a banquet the other day and the Queen wasn't there!

NP: He wasn't actually deviating from the subject of banquets Liz, so he gets another point and two seconds on the subject starting now.

KW: And then they would don these huge mantles...

WHISTLE

NP: Liz it's your turn to begin, my best dress, would you talk about it for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

LF: My best dress is one that Kenneth Williams lent me last year. I like this one very much indeed. It was pale pink with sequins and a layered skirt which came to the ground. And I said to him "but are you sure you can spare this dress?" And he assured me that he could because he had so many more left in his wardrobe. However I then discovered it was all a joke, so I got rid of this particular garment and usually I wear trousers. I go into shops with the greatest intent...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones.

PJ: Trousers don't have anything to do with her dress. So it must be deviation.

NP: Yes you've gone off onto dress, onto trousers.

LF: Well I was going to explain...

NP: Ah yes you were going into a shop, weren't you, that's right, because you could have gone into a dress shop or something like that.

LF: Yes.

NP: You just mentioned the trousers en passant and he was a bit sharp, I quite agree Liz.

LF: He was rather sharp.

NP: You have another point and you have 26 seconds on my best dress starting now.

LF: I go into a shop with the intention of buying a dress and invariably purchase trousers because I am usually wearing that type of male apparel rather than the female apparel. I never...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: There was a bit of repetition.

NP: Yes, trousers, shop, dress and apparel!

LF: Oh! You were listening?

KW: Have you no gallantry at all? That girl was definitely trying to get under way! Have you no gallantry?

NP: She got under way for 46 seconds! And I was quite generous to her before so I didn't think she’d mind me pointing out the mistakes then. Especially as I want Peter to have the subject of my dress. Peter you have 14 seconds to talk about my best dress (in effeminate voice) starting now dear!

PJ: Well it's a very simple affair, it's dove grey with a little lace at the throat. And I usually wear it with the Jones pearls, and on occasion with the white gloves which set off the...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I've just received a message to say we have no more time alas, so we have to wind up the proceedings and I will now tell you the final score at the end of this contest of Just A Minute. Liz Fraser did very well, she finished in fourth. About three points behind Kenneth Williams who was only two points behind Clement Freud. And Clement finished one point behind this week's winner, who was Peter Jones! We hope you have enjoyed Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter, and produced by John Lloyd.