JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,PMoore
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and PATRICK MOORE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 21 October 1975)

NOTE: Patrick Moore's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Patrick Moore in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard from our announcer to join our three regulars we welcome for the first time on the programme Patrick Moore. And as usual I'm going to ask them if they can speak for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And we'll begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth oh a very apt subject for you, how I carry on. Would you talk to us about that in the next 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I carry on in the same way that everybody else does. By breathing in and of course exhaling. You'll notice I very carefully avoided any kind of repetition verbally there, so I can't be challenged by any of these people alongside me. And every morning I get up, look around...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you though.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He's only got one person alongside him.

NP: Yes! It's a good and correct challenge that I must explain to the listeners, that actually Clement Freud is sitting alongside him, and the other two panellists are sitting opposite to him. So therefore that's a correct challenge Clement, a point to you, you take over the subject...

PETER JONES: What was the actual challenge?

NP: Deviation.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Can't you hear over there Peter?

PJ: Well I didn't know what it was. I mean it's certainly inaccurate but people have been inaccurate on this programme before. And if they describe Clement Freud as people, on account of his, on account of his many-facetted personality, I don't see that that is a reasonable thing to object to.

KW: Thank you! You're very gallant!

NP: Clement Freud had a correct challenge, he takes over the subject, how I carry on. Clement there are 46 seconds left and you start now.

CF: I carry on quietly sitting here, next to Kenneth Williams, pressing my buzzer when he deviates, hesitates or repeats himself, which is pathetically often as...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged you.

KW: Deviation, the subject is how I carry on and we're hearing now of how I myself carry on.

NP: No I think he firmly established of how he carried on, when you behave in certain ways, within the game or correctly or otherwise. Clement, an incorrect challenge, you have a point for that, you have 34 seconds, how I carry on starting now.

CF: And every now and again I sit quietly...

BUZZ

PATRICK MOORE: Repetition of quietly.

KW: Yes! He said that before! You're quite right! That is absolutely right! You're brilliant!

NP: Patrick I didn't hear what you said yourself.

PM: Repetition of quietly.

NP: That is perfectly correct, well listened Patrick, and you now have the subject of how I carry on, there are 30 seconds left and you start now.

PM: Well I don't actually carry on very often. I do my best, but it all rather depends on what you mean by carry on. One can carry on by going into space, by not going into the void. One can in fact carry on by looking around one and seeing this magnificent audience who have come here specially to hear us make this discourse. We also can look around at our panel and, and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Clement, how I carry on is back with you, there are nine seconds left and you start now.

CF: The best way to carry on when you go into a restaurant is to look at the menu and make sure that you know exactly what it is on the menu and how much they are going to charge for every...

WHISTLE

NP: Ian Messiter blows the whistle for us after 60 seconds. And whoever is speaking at that moment as you probably know gets an extra point. It was Clement Freud, he is now in a strong lead at the end of the round. And Clement we'd like you to begin the second round, the subject is homes, Just A Minute in which to talk about it and you start now.

CF: Homes is the plural of home, the name of a lovely lady who used to answer queries and questions sent to her in a women's magazine. I remember particularly one that said "what shall I do" and the answer came "to sweetheart of Sevenoaks, if your uncle tries it again, tell your aunt"! And I think that is the sort of homesism which I like better than any other. Although Holmes was also the sidekick of a man called Doctor Watson, a not terribly efficient detective. And Holmes...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Patrick Moore.

PM: I claim, ah, this is an inaccuracy, deviation, he was a most efficient detective.

NP: Patrick you have a correct challenge so you take over the subject of homes and there are 23 seconds starting now.

PM: Well when you consider Holmes and Watson, I maintain that this first gentleman was a remarkably efficient detective. He solved many cases which were far beyond the powers of any of his contemporaries. But of course this in a way, if you look at it from that point of view, is in effect something of a deviation. Because when you talk about homes we nor, we normally mean dwelling places...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones got in.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I beg your pardon?

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I quite agree, I didn't quite hear what you said. Four seconds, the subject is homes Peter, and you start now.

PJ: Homes are not houses and that is very important when you consider what the estate agents...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went, he gained that extra point. He's equal in second place with Patrick Moore, behind our leader still, Clement Freud. Patrick would you begin the next round. The subject that Ian Messiter's thought of for you is speaking Venusian.

PM: Speak...

NP: No would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: Speaking Venusian is of course talking the language of the planet Venus where the people are very advanced. When they go up to each other, to give a morning greeting, they do not say "hail fellow well met" as we probably would. They say (speaks gibberish sounding rather like chickens squawking but completely unintelligible and meant to be)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

PM: (continues squawking)

NP: You've been challenged, you've been challenged by all three of them in succession.

PM: That is deviation, I object.

KW: That's not true, I haven't pressed anything.

NP: No, it's about time you did, that's all I can say.

KW: I'm just sitting here absolutely fascinated.

NP: Oh...

KW: I loved it, I didn't want it to stop. Who stopped it anyway?

NP: Clement Freud was the first to press his buzzer. Your challenge Clement?

CF: Repetition of (imitates PM's squawks)

KW: That's nonsense, that's nonsense!

PM: I didn't say (squawks), I said (squawks).

NP: Clement you have a correct challenge and you have 47 seconds for speaking Venusian starting now.

CF: One of the hardest things about speaking Venusian on a programme such as this is that as is well known by many experts and particularly Patrick Moore, the people of Venus hesitate, deviate and repeat themselves more than almost any other living planet dwellers in the whole...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Well since you objected to Kenneth referring to Clement Freud as people, it doesn't seem to me reasonable that you can allow him to rave on about these people on the planet Venus, because he can't know any more about it than Kenneth.

NP: And you can't prove that.

PJ: Well...

NP: So therefore you've given me an impossible decision and therefore I think I must use my own imagination and say that it's an incorrect challenge, and Clement keeps on for another 29 seconds on speaking Venusian starting now.

CF: As far as I know, there is no examination at the moment under the department that organises these sort of exams, which has Venusian as a...

BUZZ

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Patrick, I agree, 20, 19 seconds on speaking Venusian with you starting now.

PM: Whether I am in fact allowed to lapse back into the language of this fascinating world is something that I do not know. But of course it is not the only dialect in the entire solar system and even beyond in intergalactic space. Because when you consider all the numbers of worlds of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think if you slow down a little, you might find it easier. Clement you've got speaking Venusian back with you and there are seven seconds left starting now.

CF: University entrance in speaking Venusian is something I haven't...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Clement has already established there's no paper to examine, no examination on this subject...

CF: That's what I was going to say.

KW: ... so how can he talk about having an examination on the subject?

CF: I was just going to say that.

NP: You have...

KW: You said it before.

CF: No.

NP: No no, I agree with Kenneth. Kenneth you have the subject now, there are four, three and a half seconds on speaking Venusian starting now.

KW: Well of course this was done in that remarkable fashion...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: It was not done, it has never been done!

KW: I was going to say it's been done in a remarkable fashion by you! That's what I was going to say!

PM: Oh, but if you only knew it, I wasn't speaking Venusian at all, I was speaking Martian!

KW: Oh!

NP: So you were repeating yourself, you wicked thing! But Patrick you didn't give him a chance to establish what he was doing, so that was an incorrect challenge and there are one and a half seconds Kenneth for you to continue on speaking Venusian starting now.

KW: It would probably be incomprehensible to human beings...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams after a small silence, has come with a flourish, a small flourish too. Spoke then when the whistle went, got the extra point, and he's leapt forward into third place. Kenneth will you begin the next round and the subject that Ian has thought of for you is Ignatius de Loyola. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Oh this may be the name the world knows him by. But of course he was born Inigo Lopez de Ricarda in the castle of Loyola in the Basque country of Spain. And he...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Where did his name end in the location?

NP: We give Clement Freud a bonus point for a good challenge...

KW: A bonus point? I'd get that load out!

NP: But the subject is because you know something about it and you continue and there are 43 seconds left starting now.

KW: He was wounded in the Battle of Catalonia, and his leg fractured where after it was broken again in order to be reset properly. After this he took, not to the passage of arms, but to spiritual exercise, and later formed the society which we now know to have had such a profound effect upon religious teaching. At the hospital in Magrina he wrote the incredible book of biography spiritual...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yeah but you provoked him. I saw you! And listeners I must explain, he leant forward, gave him a nudge, blew down his ear hole and he, and he faltered. So Kenneth I give you a point for an incorrect challenge and there are six seconds left for Ignatius de Loyola starting now.

KW: And in 1511 he went from Rome to Venice...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: It was 1512.

NP: I'm going to put this to the audience...

CF: Oh yes yes!

NP: ... as obviously you know far more about it than any of us. Do you think it was 1511 that he went to Rome? If you do then you cheer for Kenneth Williams, and if you think it was 1512 you boo for Patrick Moore, and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You ignorant lot, you don't know! Kenneth Williams you keep the subject and you have three seconds on Ignatius de Loyola starting now.

KW: So far as he represented...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams with his own subject gained a lot of points there, and he has now really moved forward into second place, only two points behind our leader Clement Freud. Clement we're back with you to start, the subject is orion. Would you talk about that for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

CF: O'Ryan was probably one of the best known Irishmen, a founder of the international Army of Eire in nineteen hundred and 13. But little known outside his native...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: It's deviation...

NP: Yes yes.

KW: ... because he's very well known indeed. (laughs) Oh every bar in O'Connell Street knows about him, don't worry yourself!

NP: Kenneth there are 45 seconds on orion with you starting now.

KW: Orion is, as you all well know, a planet floating into space...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: It's a constellation.

NP: It's a constellation.

PM: Not a planet, yes.

NP: It is a constellation yes and Patrick...

PM: Yes.

NP: You have a correct challenge, you have the subject, 40 seconds left for orion starting now.

PM: Orion is in fact a constellation, it's in the sky...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition, he's said three times that it's a constellation.

NP: But he didn't say when he was playing the game.

PJ: No, but he said it and it's getting on my nerves!

NP: Patrick it was an incorrect challenge, you have 36 seconds to continue on orion starting now.

PM: This seems to me to be a very nervy subject altogether. So I will maintain that orion is not only what I said it was earlier, and I now forget what it was, but it is no relation at all to orion...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: If he's forgotten what it was, why doesn't he just shut up, and let somebody else get on with it?

PM: I've forgotten what you said it was.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Yes!

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Peter?

PJ: Yes?

NP: Unanimous decision on the part of the audience, you have the subject and you have 27 seconds on orion starting now.

PJ: Yes well I'm not at all sure how many parts of this enormous constellation there are. And I don't think anybody else does, within a few million...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, it's not an enormous constellation, otherwise Patrick would have told us.

PJ: No, I don't think you can assume that at all.

KW: Yes, that Peter Jones and he can hardly hear what you are saying.

NP: Peter Jones...

PJ: Yes?

NP: You have the subject still, you have an incorrect challenge and you have 19 seconds on orion starting now.

PJ: O'Ryan, the Irishman was...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: We've had the Irishman before, we can't have it all over again.

NP: But you didn't have it from Peter Jones so it's another incorrect challenge. Peter, you have 17 seconds left, orion starting now.

PJ: He ran a pub at Inchadonny in county Cork...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: I'm assured by my friend here, Mister Clement Freud, that he owned no such place!

NP: That was a different O'Ryan.

KW: No, it's not!

NP: Who knows which O'Ryan we're talking about? In Just A Minute you can take any O'Ryan you wish. Peter your orion, we're still with you, and there are 14 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Near Kinsayle...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation I'm afraid.

NP: No there wasn't!

PJ: Monstrous!

NP: Thirteen seconds for orion with you starting now.

PJ: The shark fishing centre...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: I haven't given Peter Jones a false challenge. I wanted to jump on the bandwagon!

NP: So your challenge is?

CF: Hesitation, deviation and repetition.

NP: Which one?

CF: All three.

NP: You can't have all three. There are 10 seconds on orion Peter starting now.

PJ: Short fat man who used to go out salmon fishing, and bring these enormous creatures home, and poach them in front of the fire...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation.

NP: If you were in a...

KW: I think I should get the subject anyway! They haven't heard from me and that girl there is dying to hear from me! She keeps winking at me and saying "go on, say something"!

NP: Well you go and sit with her for a bit and let Peter Jones continue with the subject of orion with three seconds left starting now.

PJ: Unfortunately the chips were soggy and I didn't really...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I would say that on this occasion a small record has been established in Just A Minute, because nobody has ever scored so many points in a round before! Peter Jones, coming from literally fourth place, with only two points, has leapt into the lead with 10 points, one ahead of Clement Freud! And Peter we're back with you to begin as well.

PJ: Oh dear!

NP: The subject is my last birthday. Would you begin on that subject now.

PJ: Well I hope my last birthday won't be occurring for some considerable time. And I hope when it does I shall enjoy it, and be able to, as is my custom...

BUZZ

NP: Peter, ah, Kenneth Williams.

KW: This is ridiculous, this is deviation, I mean it's not even English. I hope my last birthday won't be occurring for some considerable time? It makes no sense whatsoever.

NP: Yes because if you were dead, your last birthday would have passed. You weren't incorrect, you weren't deviating, there are 51 seconds for you to continue on my last birthday starting now.

PJ: And I always like to give other people presents, my children in particular, because it's an opportunity to push the boat out...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, he doesn't like giving presents, he's never given me anything! Not in all the years I've known him! I've not had a ha'penny out of him!

NP: I disagree with the challenge, Peter, my last birthday and there are 43 seconds starting now.

PJ: And I shall probably make a donation to the Kenneth Williams...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: I agree Patrick. There are 40 seconds...

PJ: They won't ever hear what I was going to give you!

NP: Patrick you have 40 seconds to talk about my last birthday starting now.

PM: Well Peter Jones was talking about his last birthday. And owing to the challenge I made, quite correctly may I say, I rather fear we shall never now know...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: What right has he got to say it was a correct challenge?

NP: But if I gave the decision in his favour, then it was a correct one, so that's an incorrect challenge from you Peter, Patrick has another point, there are 33 seconds on my last birthday starting now.

PM: As I was saying before I was interrupted, we were talking about the birthday of the gentleman who has just spoken. But my own personal last birthday occurred, oh some months ago now, and I remember it very distinctly. I decided to go on an expedition to a far away land. I'd not been from home for some time and it did seem the right moment for me to go on a voyage elsewhere. Therefore I looked up my train timetables and I decided this really wasn't on. Then I considered my car, and of course the price of petrol these days, quite out of the question, you know. Therefore I thought if I was going to go on some really exciting place, somewhere where I had never been before...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

PM: ... I was going to have to go by steam.

NP: Clement.

CF: Repetition of place.

NP: Clement Freud, before your steam started up, Clement Freud challenged you.

CF: Repetition of place.

NP: Yes, I'm afraid so and you got in with three seconds to go Clement, my last birthday starting now.

CF: On my last birthday I had porridge...

BUZZ

NP: All right Patrick what was your challenge?

PM: My challenge was hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree, there's one second for my last birthday starting now.

PM: My last birth...

WHISTLE

NP: Patrick would you begin the next round, the subject, flying saucers, will you tell us something or give us your opinion about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: Flying saucers may be seen in many places, most of all I suppose in the kitchen when the cook gets annoyed with what is going on, for example, and picks up a saucer and throws it. And it then flies across the air and this naturally makes up a flying saucer. But the term can be regarded in other contexts as well. And flying saucers have been reported coming from places far and wide, far away from the Earth in fact, from other beings, from other worlds, far away in the cosmos...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of other.

NP: Yes there were too many others there, I'm afraid Patrick. Thirty-five seconds Peter, flying saucers starting now.

PJ: Well I don't know of any personally...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: No Patrick! Don't be so tough on them! They can't all speak as fast as you, that's just a...

PJ: Right, anybody who speaks normally he thinks is hesitating, you see!

NP: Thirty-three seconds Peter, flying saucers starting now.

PJ: Odd people phone the BBC and the daily newspapers...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of B.

NP: BBC, well done, 30 seconds are left Clement for flying saucers starting now.

CF: The British Broadcasting Corporation has a tremendous interest in flying saucers, and actually once sent me in my capacity as a reporter to Salisbury Plain on the anniversary of the day when the first flying saucer was seen over New Zealand which caused several treatises and theses to be written on this subject. I left London very early in the morning, drove in a westerly direction, arriving at my destination around dusk, where there were a very large number...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud kept going magnificently until the whistle, got the extra point, he's moved back into second place behind Peter Jones. Kenneth will you begin the next round please, the subject, my discourse. You don't need to make yourself up on radio! That's what he was doing, listeners. My discourse is with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: A very great man said once that the work of writing was lasting and the oral tradition would only ever have temporary effect. In fact he compared it with a meteor which once shone brightly, but thereafter dimmed and was lost as far as men's memories were concerned...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Deviation, meteors are not lost in memory, they are all recorded.

KW: No I didn't say this was true, I said a man once said this about it.

NP: He did actually establish that a man said it, and he was going slow enough to establish it too. Kenneth you have the subject still, another point and 37 seconds on my discourse starting now.

KW: He also said that beneath the rule of men entirely great, the pen is mightier than the sword. These words ring with enormous conviction in the hearts of all those men who value truth...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Repetition of men.

NP: That is right, yes Patrick, and you now have my discourse and you have...

PM: My discourse...

NP: ... 18 seconds starting now.

PM: My discourse would frankly be on a rather different subject. Because one can choose all kinds of topics to make a discourse, and whatever topic one chooses...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of topics.

NP: Yes, I'm afraid so and it's neck and neck with very few seconds to go. Clement we're now with you, my discourse, and there are 10 and a half seconds left starting now.

CF: My discourse is oh that we now had here but one ten-thousandth of those men in England that you know where today...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: You ought to be careful here because if it's a wrong challenge like that, all that happens is Clement gets another point...

PM: I realise this, I am superbly confident.

NP: You're superbly confident? Well I don't know what of, because all that happens, Clement has another point and he still has the subject with four seconds to go starting now.

CF: If we are marked to die, the fewer men, the greater share of honour...

WHISTLE

NP: As I said a moment ago, we were approaching the end of this game. So we now have completed the game and it's my job to tell you what the final score was. Kenneth you came in fourth place with quite a few points. Patrick Moore, on his very first visit, did extraordinarily well, he was in second place behind this week's joint winners, Peter Jones with Clement Freud! We do hope that you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter, and produced by John Lloyd.