JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 March 1975)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. As you just heard we welcome back Aimi Macdonald to try and compete against our three regular male competitors of the game. And as usual I will ask them to talk if they can on some subject without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject. And we'll begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. The subject we're going to start the show with is jury service. And Kenneth Williams, will you talk for 60 seconds on that if you can starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: This is the procedure in English jurisprudence whereby 12 good men and true are asked to give their verdict. And I have been present at the Central Criminal Court, or as it's more affectionately known by Londoners, the ...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AIMI MACDONALD: I don't understand how a criminal court can be affectionate.

NP: It's affectionately known as the Old Bailey.

AM: But nobody knows a court affectionately.

NP: Oh yes, you can use a term of affection even for a criminal court.

AM: Can you?

NP: And that is how the Old Bailey's name arose.

AM: Oh...

KW: She's an idiot, isn't she, I don't know why they ask here here. She's got no idea! Lives in London and don't know that.

NP: Aimi has not played the game as often as you and naturally...

KW: She's played the game often enough! Look at her! Flaunting it, she is, in that dress!

NP: The whole purpose of the game is to try and score points as you said and that's what Aimi was trying to do. She was unsuccessful here, you have another point for an incorrect challenge, you have 39 seconds on jury service starting now.

KW: Of course the best kind of jury is one where all the members are sane, level header, contemporary, conversant and...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones on this occasion challenged.

PETER JONES: Well they would have to be contemporary, they can't have dead people!

NP: That I think is a very good challenge! And you have a point Peter, and you have 29 seconds, you take over the subject having gained a point for a correct challenge, jury service starting now.

PJ: I've only been called to the jury once and I happened to be in America. And I had to pay a solicitor to plead fro me and pay four guineas, I remember. That rankles still over the years. Never been asked to go and sit...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of asked.

NP: Yes correct challenge, 15 seconds, jury service with you starting now.

DN: Well I think that juries ought to be brought up to date like everything else, and I think they ought to be decimalised, we ought to have 10 good men and true...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of ought.

NP: Yes, it's a tough challenge...

KW: Also...

PJ: What's tough about it?

KW: If they were decimalised, they would be, they would be subtracted by one tenth you see...

AM: Oh he's so clever isn't it.

KW: So actually that's not what you're saying is it, you meant there should be 10 men. (laughs)

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Oh no I'm wrong, it's decimated!

NP: You were quite right...

DN: So shut up!

NP: Kenneth with one accord we would all like to...

KW: It's a big man who can acknowledge his own mistakes, isn't it. Isn't that a noble thing to have done.

PJ: Now you've got half an hour to go, don't shoot everything at the beginning!

KW: Oh right yes.

PJ: Hold something back.

KW: You're quite right, I should, yes you're right, I need sedation really.

PJ: You do really yes.

KW: I get so overcome.

PJ: Or euthanasia even!

NP: I wish we could sedate you at the present moment so we can get on with the game. Who challenged?

PJ: I did.

NP: Yes you had a correct one on ought.

PJ: Thank you very much.

NP: You have 10 seconds on jury service Peter starting now.

PJ: Sometimes the people can number eight or 14 even when they are selected...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: This is only in Eng, this is only a foreigner's jury.

PJ: No it isn't, it's when they are selecting Miss World and other pootling things like that!

KW: Mister Chairman, would you refer to them as a jury?

PJ: Yes they often refer to them as juries.

NP: Well they are incorrectly referred to as a jury, but they are still, that term is still used for them. And there are five seconds with Peter Jones on jury service starting now.

PJ: They all go into this little room, and goodness knows what they do, and they come out and they give the verdict...

WHISTLE

Ian Messiter blows his whistle at the end of 60 seconds of talk, and that tells us that the time is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gets the extra point and on this occasion it was Peter Jones and he has a commanding lead at the end of the round. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, the subject is oysters. And will you talk on them starting now.

DN: I must say I wait through June, July and August for that wonderful day on the first of September when the first oysters arrive at Whitstable...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of first.

NP: Yes I'm afraid so.

DN: Oh.

NP: Well he was so excited about his oysters, it was very sad. Peter you have 53 seconds and a correct challenge, you take over oysters starting now.

PJ: In the centuries long ago, they were the food of poor people, and have since become so expensive that only the very wealthiest can afford them. And I hope that the trend may be reversed as soon as possible, because they are the most delectable things although full of cholesterol which I understand is bad for you. They are terribly useful, the shells particularly, for building purposes, mixed with cement, concrete, they make things very strong. I found a lot at the back of our fireplace, the, and of course the pearls inside...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Oh he definitely stuttered, he sort of, you know, he did one of those.

PJ: That's an impediment, you shouldn't raise anything like that.

AM: No it's a...

PJ: It's stuttering you know.

AM: No it was a definite hesitation, he wasn't...

NP: No he didn't Aimi, he managed to switch a subject matter in midstream rather cleverly without stuttering.

AM: Are you sure?

PJ: If you had said boring, I would have agreed with you!

NP: So, but no it was well tried, but no, I'm afraid it wasn't correct. So Peter you are 17 seconds left on oysters starting now.

PJ: Let us imagine for a moment that we are going out in a flat bottomed boat looking for these delectable crustaceans...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Too delectable.

NP: Yes you had a delectable before.

PJ: Did I really?

NP: I know you feel that way about them, and it tripped you up on that occasion. Derek the subject's back with you, there are 10 seconds left starting now.

DN: As Sam Weller said why is it that oysters and poverty always go together as Peter Jones already pointed out. My wife must be the only person...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: If I've already pointed it out, then he's guilty of repetition. Moreover he's using my material!

NP: But he did not repeat it in this particular round. Derek has a point and three seconds on oysters starting now.

DN: Stewart Island oysters, those from Sydney harbour...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah right the subject is now with Peter Jones and it is birds of paradise. So Peter your turn to begin and will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

PJ: Well I never like this word birds with reference to girls, young ladies or women. But if in the next world...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Well I can't stand that reference you see.

NP: What?

AM: When they call girls or women birds.

PJ: Well that's what I'm saying, I can't either!

AM: No.

NP: That's the...

PJ: I don't know Aimi.

NP: That's the subject on the card, birds of paradise.

AM: Oh I see.

NP: So he is obliged to talk about it even if you don't like it.

AM: But he was talking about women.

PJ: I know I was.

KW: He was agreeing with you, wash your ears out, girl!

AM: He was just about to agree with me, which I didn't realise.

PJ: And I was just saying what you, I mean, we've got more in common than you seem to realise Aimi!

NP: That's why he was...

AM: All right, I'll let it go, I'll let it go.

NP: All right, well you've given him a point, that's very generous of you and Peter continues for 52 seconds on birds of paradise starting now.

PJ: Well all these fah... I've got terribly fed up with it.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Fa-fa-fa.

NP: Repetition of fa-fa-fa. And you have 50 seconds on birds of paradise with you Derek starting now.

DN: Birds Of Paradise was the title of a play which was shown at the Garrick Theatre starring the lovely Moira Lister and Mister Robert Hoot who was equally nice really I suppose. And translated from the...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: I'm sure it was repetition somewhere! I'm sure he said something twice. I know he did! No he did! He did!

DN: Yes I said Yugoslavia three times!

AM: No I know I heard something twice.

NP: But he didn't actually repeat a word twice.

AM: No.

NP: So he gets um...

AM: I thought, I just thought he did.

NP: He gets another point for that.

AM: I'm sorry.

NP: There are now 40 seconds on birds of paradise starting now.

DN: It was about a lady who bought ah a riding saddle...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well bought er.

NP: Yes that was a very positive er.

KW: I think no-one could deny...

PJ: No no.

NP: Kenneth would you talk about birds of paradise and there are 37 seconds left starting now.

KW: I think the most singular example would be the loveliness of the expanded tail of the peacock, which gooooooordly...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Oh I think he's cheating isn't he, because the way he talks, he's dragging it out.

KW: What about the way you talk! God help us all! Ever heard a playback of yourself! (does very good impression of AM)

NP: It's not as slow as that.

KW: She's absolutely barmy! Raving isn't she! What a nerve! The way I talk! It's a joke isn't it! You're not going to sit there and sit there and...

AM: Will you be quiet for a minute and let me explain?

NP: I think it's about time we did hear Aimi talk.

AM: Thank you.

NP: And as you were going rather slowly, I'm going to be rather generous to her and say she can have a point for that and let her talk about birds of paradise for 35, for 25 seconds Aimi starting now.

AM: They're beautiful things with great long legs and streaks of colour going through their tails, stretching for yards. They have long beaks and great long feet but shall I tell you something strange? That one day somebody said to me, "Aimi would you like to go to the theatre?" And I said "oh I would love to." And they said "where would you like to go?" I said "I have no idea." So he said...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah well at the end of that round Aimi was speaking as the whistle went so she got an extra point...

DN: I wanted to know the strange thing he said.

NP: ... and she now has two points. Aimi Macdonald it's your turn to begin and the subject is my last public appearance starting now.

AM: My last public appearance was particularly exciting, because I was asked to sing with the Royal Marine Band. And I thought this is something that is really unusual for me. And I had to go to Coventry to do it. This was the only problem. So I thought to myself how do I get to Coventry...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged her.

DN: She's been sent to Coventry twice.

NP: Yes.

AM: Oh but that was a proper noun, you can say those twice, can't you.

NP: No you can't, you can only say what's on the subject, my last, my last public appearance.

AM: Oh I was going to win that one, I know it was.

PJ: Well I would have buzzed but I wanted to know what happened! I'd rather know what happened to Aimi in Coventry than win Just A Minute.

NP: With the whole of that Marine Band.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Like that very famous story about the woman who had only been unfaithful twice, yes.

PJ: Well I never...

NP: Once with her husband's best friend, and the other time with the London Philharmonic Orchestra!

PJ: That's a bit near the bone!

NP: It got a good reaction. Derek you have a point for a good challenge and you have my last public appearance starting now.

DN: When I make my last public appearance, I am going to take a very long time over it. I think it is a very good idea to make as many last public appearances as you possibly can. Some people go around...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Oh just a moment, I've done it wrong again because he said last twice, you can say that.

NP: Because it's on the card, yes.

AM: Do I lose a point?

NP: No, you don't lose a point, he gains a point.

AM: Oh I see.

NP: And Derek you have 26 seconds on my last public appearance starting now.

DN: If you mean in terms of being the last one that I performed, it was last night...

BUZZ

AM: Oh I've done it again!

DN: Oh shut up! Trigger happy, trigger happy, it's all those Marines!

NP: She obviously wants to tell us what happened with the Marines, she's dying to get back in again!

AM: He keeps saying last so often, it shouldn't be allowed!

NP: I know!

AM: It's every other word, darling!

NP: Well we won't charge a point for that and Derek you continue with 22 seconds on my last public appearance starting now.

DN: Stage of the Apollo Theatre at Shaftesbury... Avenue...

BUZZ

NP: Um...

AM: Oh that was a definite hesitation.

NP: Yes it was.

AM: That definitely was.

DN: Very well, back to Coventry!

NP: So Derek's helped her back to Coventry and we're all going to sit now with, er, with gaping mouths to hear what happened in Coventry with your last public appearance Aimi starting now.

AM: I got in my little car and set on my way to the M1. Going along though, suddenly in the back of my little car came an awful lot of smoke...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of my little.

NP: Yes I'm afraid your little came in twice.

AM: Oh I do say that rather a lot actually!

NP: So Derek has a correct challenge and eight seconds on my last public appearance starting now.

DN: And then I came out of my dressing room and there the audience was full. And they see me come on the stage and they all booed, they didn't like me very much...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of stage.

NP: Yes. Three, two and a half seconds Peter, on my last public appearance with you starting now.

PJ: It will be probably in Just A Minute, and then I will go out...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams it's your turn to begin in Just A Minute, and the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of for you is Armand Richelieu. Sixty seconds starting now.

AM: What's that?

NP: Armand Richelieu

KW: A most formidable man in the government of France, under I think Louis the Thirteenth. And there was a conspiracy led by Marie Deminichi to oust him which he successfully got rid of, or whatever the proper word is. I can't call it to mind at the moment. He could say, one could say, no I can't say it...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: He's saying too much.

NP: He's saying too much. Twenty, 35 seconds are left for you on Armand Richelieu starting now.

DN: Marshal of France, Cardinal of the Holy Roman Emperor. And then this wonderful man who was a tremendous (illegible) but friend to the bastille no less than three times. And then... torn...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Repetition, he said three times!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: We give you a point for a very good challenge Aimi, a bonus point. But leave the subject with Derek and there are 22 seconds starting now.

DN: His great hatred of course for Madame Pompadour was something which went through the whole of Paris for many generations. Fortunately when she first got the King's affection, he was away fighting the wars of the Austrian succession. And this wonderful conquest in Italy and that was the time he was made the head of the Army such as I described before, you see. But when he got back, she wanted to put him back into the prison at the centre of the city and...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek kept going with such intensity and feeling on the subject that I don't think anybody dared to challenge him. Aimi it's your turn to begin and the subject is what I was good at at school. Can you reveal something of your school days to us in 60 seconds starting now.

AM: What I was good at at school amounts to, really, if I want to be honest, practically nothing. But there were certain subjects I took more of an interest in than others. I remember in particular, and the reasons why I suppose could be quite entertaining. Because I thought French was rather nice, particularly the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of particular.

NP: You were a bit too particular.

AM: Oh you're right, particularly yes.

NP: Yes you were a bit too particular and Derek has a correct challenge, a point and...

AM: Why does Kenneth look as though as he's got a pain?

NP: It's his way of showing the pleasure that he has when you're talking! He's overcome, he's transfixed, by the er, um, your style and your delivery and your speech. And there are 37 seconds on what I was good at at school Derek starting now.

DN: When I was five and I was at school, I was particularly good in making models with plasticine which I liked to do very much. Little dolls I would construct, also elves and pixies. And I took part in a school play in which I played a gnome. And I went on the stage and people liked me very much because...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of stage.

AM: Yes.

PJ: Didn't he say the stage?

NP: Not in this round.

DN: No, that was ages ago when I was talking about the other thing!

NP: It was ages ago when he was talking about the Apollo Theatre.

PJ: Oh I thought he did.

NP: Wake up Peter! We've moved forward a couple of subjects!

PJ: Yes yes I beg your pardon.

NP: There are 20 seconds for you on what I was good at at school Derek starting now.

DN: I also liked playing cricket. In fact striding on to the middle of the green field with the sun blazing down on the summer morning was to me as near as a bird of paradise that I ever got at that time. And I would whack away at the red leather covered ball. I would go about the sight screens and beyond and everyone shouted "whatho, well played..."

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo was speaking then when the whistle went. He gained a number of points in that round so he's taken the lead, overtaking Peter Jones. Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, hippos. Can you talk about hippos for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well this is a pachyderm quadruped. And I believe the name derives from horse and river, the two coined together, rather like...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

KW: What?

DN: I mean hippos, hippos is just horses. Hippopotamus he's talking about which is water and horse.

NP: I know, hippo, if you want to show off your erudition Derek, is the Greek for a horse.

DN: Quite, and that's the subject on the card.

NP: Hippopotamus is a water horse.

DN: Oh the subject's on the card hippopotamus, is it?

NP: No, the subject is hippos. And we speak very very colloquially in Just A Minute.

DN: Well hippos means horse.

NP: You couldn't play the game without being colloquial. And Kenneth has been very colloquial and using hippos in it's colloquial phrase and I will not allow your challenge because I don't think it was correct. I think you're being too pernickety and Kenneth has the subject still and 52 seconds on hippos starting now.

KW: They're divided into stallions and mares, and then there's another one called gelding. And this was very mysterious to me until I met a lady who specialised in the equestrian business...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Actually if I may so he's chosen to interpret it the way that you've already ruled was incorrect.

NP: I never ruled it was incorrect, I said you could interpret it... you're being very difficult Derek...

DN: You can't have gelding hippopotami!

AM: No!

KW: Why don't you shut your great mouth and let me get on it! I've hardly had anything to say in this show! It's absolutely disgraceful! I've come all the way from Great Portland Street!

PJ: I don't see why you shouldn't have a gelding hippopotamus if you could fund a veterinary surgeon who was man enough to do it!

NP: That's the best remark of the show tonight Peter, so far, well done! You have 35 seconds on hippos Kenneth starting now.

KW: There's the wooden horse which is used to dry the clothes or in the case of...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: That has nothing to do, nothing to do with either hippos. It's got nothing to do with it.

NP: No we were talking about hippopotamuses.

KW: No we changed it...

DN: He's not been talking about hippopotamus at all if you just listen!

AM: No he's just been talking about...

DN: You great nana!

NP: Your challenge is correct and you have a point...

AM: Is it? Oh good!

NP: And you have hippos and you have 32 seconds starting now.

AM: Two hippos walking down Regent Street on a Saturday morning...

BUZZ

AM: One turns to the other one and says "not very busy for Saturday morning, is it?"

NP: Kenneth you challenged first.

PJ: That's very good.

KW: Yes because it's deviation, no hippopotamuses are likely to walk there!

AM: I wanted to tell you...

NP: They might, we waited till the end...

KW: And also it was a rotten joke anyway!

NP: We waited till the end...

KW: Come on! Give me the subject! Hurry up!

NP: I would like to say to the listeners...

KW: We're getting to the end of the game! If I don't get in here, I'll never get a chance to win, you great fool!

NP: You're going to get in but nobody can start till I say now. I just want to say to all the many listeners that we have, we waited to hear the end of Aimi's story, a lot of people enjoyed it, you didn't...

DN: Oh we got to the end of it, did we? I'm sorry, I didn't realise that.

AM: Thank you.

NP: We got a lot more than the end of it, and we have Kenneth with a correct challenge and there are 27 seconds on hippos with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: They live in rivers and marshy countries and are known for snorting which produces a flame. This can be ignited and in fact Ted Ray actually did, ah lit...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I've never seen a flaming hippo!

KW: Listen, this was conveyed to me in strictest confidence! I happen...

NP: I don't think he was referring to a flaming hippo in the sense that Derek was! I, I'm prepared to proved wrong but I don't believe...

KW: It's true!

NP: Well I don't know...

KW: Am I going on on time?

NP: No, I'm going to put it to the audience.

KW: No! Shut up!

NP: All right...

KW: They are herbivorous, you fool! They're a herbivorous animal, and eating all this stuff is like methane gas in a marsh, it builds up a terrible stink, you know, and you can light it!

NP: Derek...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, DN, AM, IAN MESSITER AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek Nimmo...

KW: Pull yourself together, you're supposed to be the chairman. Take the game in hand!

NP: I'm, I'm together, it's you that's falling apart! You've taken your jacket off...

KW: Well where are we up to? Who's got it?

AM: What's that got to do with it?

NP: Derek's got the flaming subject! He has 15 seconds on hippos starting now.

DN: While staying in the (illegible), I went up to a mountain reserve called St Louis and there I saw...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald's challenged.

AM: I don't believe there's a mountain reserve called St Louis.

NP: Well it was definitely...

KW: Pronounced St Louis!

NP: Yes it was and Aimi you have a very good challenge there for not a correct pronunciation and you have 11 seconds on hippos starting now.

AM: Two hippos wallowing in the mud and there it is flying in all directions. And one hippo turns to the other one and says "funny sort of day for a Tuesday, isn't it?"

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Derek did actually challenge just before the whistle. What was it Derek?

DN: Well day, repetition of day.

NP: Yes.

DN: Funny sort of day for a.

NP: Yes she did say day before with the other story of the hippos.

KW: She meant Francis Day!

AM: Oh but that was in a...

NP: Derek you have half a second on hippos starting now.

DN: Omphalosey!

WHISTLE

NP: So hippopotamuses gave us a lot of fun and a lot of aggravation. I hope you enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed sorting out the problem. And I will tell you what the final score is now. Kenneth Williams did very well even though he finished in fourth place. He was a few points behind Aimi Macdonald though Aimi did do extremely well considering she doesn't play as frequently as the others. And she finished up behind Peter Jones in third place. But this week a long way out in front was once again our winner, Derek Nimmo! We hope you've enjoyed, e hope you've enjoyed Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter, and produced by John Lloyd.