NOTE: Kate Robbins' first appearance, Clement Freud's 500th appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners, not only in this country but around the world. But also to welcome to the show four exciting and talented personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. And seated on my right we welcome back that actor, comedian, writer, Tony Hawks. And seated beside him we have our clever veteran player of the game, Clement Freud. And seated on my left that delightful, engaging comedy performer Julian Clary. And seated beside him, someone who has never played the game before so a special welcome to Kate Robbins. But would you please now welcome all four of them! Thank you, and as usual I am going to ask them to speak on a subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst, she is going to help me annotate the score, she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Shaw Theatre. So we begin the show with Tony Hawks. Tony, the subject in front of me is keeping mum. Will you tell us something about keeping mum in this game, starting now.

TONY HAWKS: Keeping Mum in a shed at the bottom of the garden is considered to be unkind by a lot of my friends. But she loves it in there, she has access to the fork and the shovel, the lawn mower. She can play around with them to her heart's...


NP: And Kate Robbins you've challenged.

KATE ROBBINS: I think you said the twice. And in twice.

NP: I know darling. We don't bother with thes and ins very much.

KR: Oh you see, I'm a new person! I didn't know that!

TH: Yes, we tried it without that, didn't we, and it was just very hard to get anywhere, yes.

NP: But you were interrupted Tony, so you get a point for that, and you keep the subject which is keeping mum, 45 seconds to go starting now.

TH: If you were not to use the indefinite article, you would eventually...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: The is the definite article.

NP: You're quite right.

TH: And your point is?

NP: And your point is?

TH: I didn't say that it wasn't.

KR: What have I started?

NP: Of course the is the definite article and you said that it was the indefinite article, and he thought you were making out that the was the indefinite article.

TH: Yes he made a terrible error, didn't he.

NP: He's made an error. He made a statement which is accurate but ah...

TH: My sentence began, if you were to use the indefinite article...

NP: Yes.

TH: And then I was interrupted.

NP: He was interrupted, he might have gone on to use the indefinite article in some different way, in a demonstration. So Clement, an incorrect... Tony has another point, he has keeping mum and there are 40 seconds starting now.

TH: You should never keep mum on this programme, otherwise you won't complete the minute and you won't get...


NP: Ah Julian you challenged.

JULIAN CLARY: He hesitated.

NP: Yes I call that hesitation so you have a correct challenge, you have a point for that, you keep the subject, 34 seconds available starting now.

JC: The more conventional understanding of the phrase keeping mum, refers to where you choose not to tell the truth about a certain situation because it's not in the common interest. For example the Shaw Theatre has never known a full house before. But on this occasion, I'm not going to mention that. I think it's wise to keep mum. You see it's one of those moral dilemmas. Should we talk about it or should we not...


NP: Um Clement challenged.

CF: Two shoulds.

NP: Two shoulds.

JC: I shouldn't have!

NP: Clement a correct challenge, 11 seconds still available, keeping mum starting now.

CF: I think Mums are the absolutely right people to send out to work. Wake them up early, push them off into a bus, and you will get huge amounts of money...


NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud so he has two points at the end of that round. So has Tony Hawks. And Kate and Julian have one each. And Julian will you take the next round, the subject is Bloomsbury. It's not far from here but talk on it if you can starting now.

JC: Bloomsbury is a leafy area of London, once home to the Bloomsbury set, who were a group of intellectuals and lesbians who were very free with their favours. They wafted around thinking high-minded ideas and being very disdainful... disdain...


NP: Tony Hawks you challenged.

TH: I think there was a slight stumble there.

NP: Yes enough to call it hesitation.

TH: It's a tricky word, disdainful.

NP: Right, Bloomsbury is with you Tony, 45 seconds starting now.

TH: I can remember as a young man watching the musical The Boyfriend by Sandy Wilson. Enjoying very much the song All I Want Is A Room In Bloomsbury. And...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: All I Want Is A Room Somewhere.

TH: No, that was West Side Story.

KR: No, that was My Fair Lady.

TH: Oh yes!

NP: Tony was right in his statement about it being from The Boyfriend. But as you knew the musical as well Kate...

KR: Thank you! And I'm a newcomer!

NP: You get a bonus point, yes and you're a newcomer. Another bonus point to Kate. You were interrupted Tony, you keep the subject of Bloomsbury...

CF: Bloomsbury!

NP: Mmmmm?

CF: Okay.

NP: Sorry Clement I don't want you to be disturbed or troubled. What is it? You have a very troubled look on your face.

CF: Yes the words weren't All I Want Is A Room In Bloomsbury.

TH: No that's a different song that you're thinking of.

KR: (sings in the style of the My Fair Lady song) All I want is a room in Bloomsbury! (speaks) No it's a different one.

TH: No I can sing that one, it goes... (sings) All I want is a room... in Bloom... sbury...

CF: (sings) ...Sbury...

TH: You're singing along! What are you arguing for!

NP: I'm glad you demonstrated your point Tony, 33 seconds still available, Bloomsbury starting now.

TH: The composer will be delighted that I sang it as he will get a royalty if he's still alive which I'm not sure about it. Anyway let's...


NP: Kate challenged.

KR: Well was that a deviation talking about royalties for songs? It's nothing to do with Bloomsbury.

NP: No he said the composer...

KR: I'm just desperate for a point!

NP: Darling listen, you've got bonus points, you're way out in the lead...

KR: Oh great, okay! Shut up!

NP: You're doing very well, don't worry, don't worry, no, no, no, it's nice to give Sandy Wilson an extra plug, he composed the song. And Tony, another interruption, Bloomsbury starting now.

TH: I can't help wondering if the character in this particular show was ambitious enough. There are so many things to go for and simply a chamber somewhere in this delightful area is in a way lowering your standards to...


NP: Julian you challenged.

JC: Well he did trip over a number of words there.

NP: I know. What he was talking about, chambers?

JC: Yes.

NP: Lowering your standards to use a chamber? I mean really! Um so yes you have a correct challenge, another point Julian, Bloomsbury is with you, eight seconds starting now.

JC: I think Bloomsbury is a charming area. And if ever I can save up enough pounds and pennies I'm going to put all of my belongings into a removal van...


NP: Right so at the end of that round Tony Hawks has um got extra points, Julian was speaking as the whistle went, got an extra one. Tony Hawks is in the lead, just ahead of the other three. Kate Robbins will you take the next round, the subject is my best quality. You have so many but talk about your best quality starting now.

KR: Talking about my best quality is quite difficult. Because when in a relationship one is constantly reminded of one's bad habits, awful traits, etcetera. However I would say mine is the ability to do silly voices. Like Marge Simpson. (in Marge Simpson's voice) Mmmm Homer! (normal voice) Um... oh I said um!


KR: You see? Doing the voice threw it.

NP: Right. It threw you. A little top because you haven't played before. Just keep going, they might overlook it or they might not notice it.

KR: Yes, don't say "oh I did um".

NP: No that's right, right, Tony you interrupted.

TH: Yes repetition of um.

NP: Um yes, so you have my best quality Tony, 41 seconds starting now.

TH: My best quality is my stunning radio looks. It really is a tremendous advantage to be so handsome on that particular medium. I exploit it to the full, that's why I get asked on this show, it's not for my ability to talk without hesitating, deviating or doing anything else that I might feel inclined to do. It simply is because of my visage which i think the audience here will agree is simply delightful. But my other quality...


NP: Julian er challenged.

JC: Repetition of simply.

KR: Yes.

NP: Yes you did say simply before, yes. And the audience were listening too, because there was that oooooohh. Julian you have a correct challenge, you have my best quality and you have 13 seconds starting now.

JC: I would actually start buying a flat from the woman who plays Pauline Fowler in East Enders. And she said the carpet's all top notch, which is her way of saying it was best quality. In my opinion, you get what you...



NP: Oh Clement you challenged as the whistle went.

CF: It's not my best quality.

JC: It was, it was best quality carpet, that's what she was saying.

NP: Yes best quality is on the thing, so you haven't got to keep on saying my best quality, you can take the words from the subject and use them in a different connotation altogether.

CF: Oh really?

NP: So you get another point for speaking almost as the whistle went, you get a point for speaking when the whistle did go, so you finish up with two points in that particular moment.

JC: Oh thank you.

NP: And a round of applause. And with those points Julian, you move forward, you're now equal with Tony Hawks in the lead, followed by Kate and Clement who are also equal in second place. Clement your turn to begin, the subject is the elbow. Tell us something about the elbow in this game starting now.

CF: The elbow, I think in view of your latest ruling, I shall talk about the neck. It is much more convenient. I can...


NP: Julian challenged.

JC: He's deviating if he's talking about the neck.

NP: Yes he is and the elbow is with you now Julian, 49 seconds starting now.

JC: The elbow is a very important feature of the human anatomy. Without it how would we scratch our heads? How would we reach our mouths?


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of how would we.

NP: Yes, how would we, so elbow is back with you Clement and you have 41 seconds starting now.

CF: It's a joint by the humorous, the elbow is. Also, colloquially, elbow is used for pushing someone out...


NP: Kate challenged.

KR: He did elbow twice.

NP: It's on the card, darling. You're allowed to use the words individually as I said or collectively.

KR: Ah I didn't think he could say elbow twice when he was talking about elbows.

NP: No you can say it within reason as many times as you wish, but not too many times or then he would be penalised. If he'd said it five times you could have had it.

KR: Okay.

TH: You can't say neck again though, can you.

NP: No.

KR: I'll get my coat!

TH: I'm listening in for that.

NP: So another point to you Clement, you have 31 seconds for the elbow starting now.

CF: Elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow...


TH: Surely an example of an unreasonable amount of times!

NP: I got...

CF: You said five times and I only said it four.

TH: Yeah but if you add the other two you said before, you're over your elbow quota.

NP: Clement as you did only say it five times and four times plus the other one...

CF: I'm going to get the benefit of the doubt.

NP: No, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. But don't say elbow... what happens if he says elbow now, because he... it's an interesting situation. You have 28 seconds starting now.

CF: Between your hand and your shoulder, there is this particular part of your body, a bone of which is called funny. I'm never quite sure why because it is extremely painful...


NP: Right Kate you challenged.

KR: I'm sure, funny.

NP: Yes you repeated it before...

KR: You repeated it before. You said that before when you were talking about humorous.

NP: You were talking about your funny bone, No you didn't, you said humorous didn't you. I'm very sorry.

KR: You were on my side then Nicholas. You were on my side...

NP: I know, I was trying to help you.

KR: .. and then you got me all excited.

NP: I now got you all excited and then I messed it up and Clement's got another point, so anyway he loves it, so it's 17 seconds, the elbow, with you Clement starting now.

CF: Leave this establishment is a way of showing someone the E-L-B-O-W. A word which I'm not allowed to use again although it appears on the card. With this I'm perfectly happy. Life goes on. The whistle should blow quite soon...


NP: So Clement Freud with a number of points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went has moved forward. He's now equal with Julian Clary in the lead, they're one ahead of Tony Hawks, and one or two ahead of Kate Robbins. Tony we're back with you, will you take the next round, the subject is blue plaques or placks,. I don't know which way you like to pronounce it. To some people plaque is only what you get on your teeth. But anyway you take the pronunciation which ever way you like and there are 60 seconds starting now.

TH: In the not too distant future, there will be a blue plaque outside a house in southwest London saying "Tony Hawks lived here, Prime Minister two thousand and 12 to 18, thank goodness he overthrew the wicked dictatorship run by Nicholas Parsons!" It's always a terrific thought of the future which will never happen. But...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of future.

NP: Yes, some time in the future, you started off with that phrase.

TH: Yes.

NP: Yes so Clement, another point to you, 38 seconds, blue plaques or placks starting now.

CF: I always wanted to have a blue plaque outside my house saying "back in 10 minutes". It seems to me to be much more relevant than to mention your name and the date of your birth...


NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I would agree with hesitation Julian, so you have a point, you have the subject, blue plaques or placks and there are 25 seconds starting now.

JC: Sorry, how many seconds?

NP: Twenty-five seconds.


NP: Wait a minute, no, no, 25 seconds starting now.

JC: As you wander around London it's delightful to look upwards and see the blue plaques and count them as you go along...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: If you're on a double-decker bus, you'll be looking down on them.

JC: I don't travel by bus.

NP: But he wasn't on a double-decker bus so he was looking up at that time, so he was quite within the rules of Just A Minute. I should think it's quite logical what you said, but you don't always travel on a bus, you sometimes travel on foot, don't you.

TH: Yes but he was implying that you always look up at these things.

NP: And sometimes you have to look straight ahead to see them.

TH: Well isn't that my point, you know... It's an outrage to say you're looking up at them.

NP: He was...

TH: I'm upset by the fact that he said it!

NP: Depending where you are, one of the great exponents of this game, Kenneth Williams, has got a blue plaque, it's very high on the block of flats where he lived in Portland Place.

TH: But if you were, if you were in a helicopter you'd be looking down on it.

NP: Very few people take helicopters to look for blue plaques.

TH: It only, there only needs to be one for my argument to hold up.

NP: No... and there only needs to be one for my argument to say that Julian's got an incorrect challenge...

TH: I don't think I'm going to get this one, am I.

NP: No no you're not, definitely not, and you have 17 seconds Julian on blue plaques starting now.

JC: I do often pass by Kenneth Williams' former abode and look up and see the blue plaque...


NP: Yes?

TH: Repetition of look up.

NP: Because you looked up unfortunately yes.

JC: I know.

NP: I know yes.

JC: I knew it myself.

NP: Tony you've got blue plaques or placks and there are 12 seconds starting now.

TH: It is a sign, I suppose, that you've lived a very full active successful life, if a blue plaque, posthumously is placed somewhere on your building, below someone obviously who is...


NP: So Tony Hawks speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and others in the round, he's equal with Clement Freud in second place. They're one behind Julian Clary, a few ahead of Kate Robbins. And Julian your turn to begin, the subject dim sum. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

JC: Dim sum as far as I understand it is a kind of soupy arrangement, a sort of a dumpling that you eat and swallow but it won't fill you up...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: I think he said sort of twice.

JC: I think I sort of did.

KR: He sort of stumbled.

NP: I think he stumbled into a sort of a second time. So Tony you've got sharp ears there and you have 52 seconds, tell us something about dim sum starting now.

TH: Two plus three equals six, this is an example of a dim sum from someone who hasn't paid attention properly during mathematics at school which is something I always did. Then obviously went off to the Chinese restaurant for a dim sum, a dumpling of sorts. I've never really understood why people buy it. They're very dull for the palate. Something that won't really...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of something.

NP: Yes there were two somethings there I'm afraid. So Clement you have a correct challenge, you've got dim sum, 28 seconds starting now.

CF: If you buy a really expensive car that has lots of buttons and pushers which make the car gp faster or more slowly and there is one that illuminates the headlights and another dims some...


NP: That was very inventive, but it was a bit of a struggle, wasn't it, to get there!

KR: Me! Me!

NP: But Tony you challenged.

TH: Yes well I think that was slight hesitation.

NP: Yes it was.

TH: I was deceived by the pushers that he has on his car.

NP: I was wondering how the pushers made the car go. I suppose if pedals could be called pushers, if you're not a very experienced driver. Twelve seconds, not a very, I'm sorry, 12 seconds, with you Tony on dim sum starting now.

TH: Many's the time I go out with a group of chums to an eatery where you can enjoy this delightful food, laid out...


NP: Kate challenged.

KR: I don't believe you do go out with your friends and enjoy dim sum. You just don't look the sort of person who does. Is that, is that a challenge?

NP: So you think he's deviating?

KR: I just don't think he eats dim sum, he's pretending just to talk and just to get more points than me.

NP: The sad thing is Kate, whether he eats it or not, he still has to talk about it.

KR: I know, but I need the point! I need to talk about dim sum!

NP: I'll give you a bonus point because obviously they enjoyed, the audience enjoyed hearing from you. And it was so utterly erroneous I think you deserve something. Tony...

KR: Sorry Tony!

NP: Four seconds on dim sum starting now.

TH: If Kate Robbins is quick, I will repeat repeat something and...


NP: Were you quick enough?

KR: Yes, yes, something...

NP: All the lights came on, but I don't know which one was yours.

KR: Yes it was me.

NP: Oh well that's...

KR: Yes, yes.

NP: So you've got two seconds on dim sum...

KR: That's what I want!

NP: Starting now.

KR: Two seconds.

NP: Quickly, Kate! Quickly!

KR: Dim sum, try feeding...


NP: Well Kate, with her two seconds of silence...

KR: I didn't know you'd started the clock, you see. I'll get used to it.

NP: I know, darling. I always say start now.

KR: Sorry.

NP: It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. They all let you go, you got your point for not speaking when the whistle went and you've moved forward rapidly, you're still in fourth place but it's been a rapid... don't worry, my darling, it's difficult when you haven't played it before and you've got these three experienced players up against you. And Clement it's your turn to begin, the subject, beer money. Tell us something about beer money in this game starting now.

CF: Beer money is a Victorian name for tip or gratuity. At Christmas you gave someone beer money, saying "here are some pounds or shillings or pence". There are...


NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Repetition of or.

NP: Yeah I think three successive ors...

CF: Yeah that's right.

NP: We don't want too many ors on this programme.

CF: There were two then.

NP: Well it was enough anyway.

CF: Two?

NP: Julian, 50 seconds on beer money starting now.

JC: My understanding of the origins of this phrase comes from the miners who would take their wages home on a Friday night, and their wives would hand back a small amount of money which would be called beer money. They would then go down to the local pub, be it called The Queen's Legs or The Head And Chickens...


NP: Kate challenged.

KR: A bit of a hesitation.

NP: There was a bit of a hesitation yes and because he was searching for some more pub names. And you've got 32 seconds to tell us something about beer money starting now.

KR: Lager vouchers, sherry coupons, beer money. These are things that we are paid by the BBC to get...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Can't say BBC.

KR: Oh?

NP: It's repetition of B. It's a tough game Kate.

KR: That, it's a very tough game!

NP: I know, you're doing manfully, no, womanfully, in a male enclave.

KR: I didn't think you were so cruel Clement!

CF: I'm not.

NP: But he is keen. Right, 24 seconds, beer money, back with you Clement starting now.

CF: I think Kate was absolutely right.


NP: You challenged.

CF: Yeah.

NP: What was your challenge?

CF: She was too slow to challenge.

NP: So you're giving...

CF: I hesitated.

NP: You're going to be very generous and give it to her. I know what you're doing but I want the listeners to know as well. So you're giving it back to Kate?

CF: I don't know.


NP: Julian you've challenged.

JC: I thought I'd just step into the breach and clear things up for the listeners.

NP: Right I think you're passing it back to Kate for her to talk more about beer money, 21 seconds starting now.

KR: A...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Hesitation!

KR: Oooh!

NP: Kate you've got another point, he's being very generous.

KR: Yes he's being very generous.

NP: After what you said about him being keen...

KR: No.

NP: You see he's generous.

KR: Shall I continue with beer money?

NP: When I say now.

KR: Have you said now?

NP: No! Not yet! I was just chatting to you and mildly flirting on radio which is great fun. And I have to mention that fact because the listeners can't see. Beer money is still with you Kate, 20 seconds starting now.

KR: Beer money is the most important type of wages you can earn in the life that I lead anyway. Because I do like a drink at the end of the day. And I like to drink lager...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Ah repetition of like.

NP: You liked too much. I like it at the end of the day and I like to drink lager. Right, 12 seconds with you Tony, beer money starting now.

TH: Most of us do this show for beer money. The British Broadcasting Corporation doesn't pay huge amounts for appearing on this. Most...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I get a lot of money!

TH: I think you'll find it's all relative Clement!

NP: Knowing that we all get the same, I know that it isn't a lot of money. But it maybe a lot of money, but knowing your standard of living, I'm sure it isn't a lot of money. But the audience did enjoy your remarks, you get a bonus point for that. Tony you keep the subject, beer money and there are um, gosh, there's only one second to go starting now.

TH: Laura Kennedy...


NP: So as we move into the final round, let me give you what the score is. Kate Robbins is trailing a little in fourth place but she's not far behind Julian Clary, who is one or two points behind Clement Freud, and he is one point behind Tony Hawks who is at present in the lead. And Tony it's your turn to begin, oh gosh, this is going to give some problems. Listen, antidisestablishmentarianism, will you talk on antidisestablishmentarianism for 60 seconds if you can, 40 seconds will do for the word actually, anyway your time starts now.

TH: One of the advantages of having being given the subject, antidisestablishmentarianism, is indeed the length of time it takes to say antidisestablishmentarianism. Were I like Clement to exploit the fact that you can repeat what is written on the card many times, antidisestablishmentarianism...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of times.

NP: Yes you did say too many times before. Oh because they enjoyed it Tony. Right Clement you have antidisestablishmentarianism and there are 42 seconds available starting now.

CF: I remember being told a long time ago that antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the English language. It is quite untrue, there are many longer. But antidisestablishmentarianism is really wholly meaningless. Anti means against, I am unhappy about that. Disestablishment is getting away from the church and the Queen...


NP: Kate you challenged.

KR: I'm sorry Clement you did hesitate there.

NP: he did yes he did. So Kate you've got a correct challenge and you have to try and talk, with little experience in this game, for 15 seconds on antidisestablishmentarianism starting now.

KR: You were getting to the disestablishment... whoops!


KR: Oh heck!

NP: Right! I have this difficult decision, two lights came on at once. I think, Julian, yours came on first, a second before Clement's, and it is antidisestablishmentarianism with you, for another 12 seconds if you can starting now.

JC: The poll tax rioters are in my opinion dis... er...


NP: That's what they hoped would happen...

KR: I was laughing too much to actually press my buzzer.

NP: Right, fine, Tony you've got the subject back, you've got eight seconds, you've got antidisestablishmentarianism starting now.

TH: Antidisestablishmentarianism said in a Yorkshire accent would sound roughly like this. (in Yorkshire accent) Antidisestablishmentarianism...


NP: Right so let me give you the final situation. Kate Robbins who has not played the game before did magnificently. She finished in a very strong fourth position. She was only three points behind Julian Clary who gives such good value as always and was two points behind, three points behind Clement Freud. But two points ahead was Tony Hawks, so Tony this week we say you are our winner! We do hope that you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. And it just remains for me to say thank you to these four delightful players of the game, Tony Hawks, Julian Clary, Kate Robbins and Clement Freud. I thank Janet Staplehurst, who has helped me keep the score and she's blown her whistle with such delicacy every time the 60 seconds elapsed. We thank our producer-director Claire Jones. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this lovely game. And we are very grateful to this delightful audience here in the Shaw Theatre in the Euston Road for coming along to cheer us on our way. From the audience, from me Nicholas Parsons, good-bye. Tune in the next time we play Just A Minute!