NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And once again it is my pleasure to welcome you to Just A Minute. We have three of our regular players, Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud. And we welcome back a guest who showed great skill with the help of the chairman when she played it some weeks ago, that is Wendy Richard. Would you please welcome all four of them! And as usual, I will ask our panellists to speak if they can on the subject that I give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And let us begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Atlas, would you talk on that, starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Atlas was one of the titans who was banished after the war between those particular chaps by Zeus to the Atlas Mountains. And he was there destined the whole of heaven forever which is exactly what was done thereafter. Mercantile publishing his father's book of the maps of the world decided to put on to the cover, this was of course in the 16th century, a picture of Atlas lifting the globe high. And that is why ever since, I think it is a rather interesting fact, that all books that contain cartography are called in fact atlases named after...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation, I didn't think that was a very interesting fact!


NP: Why are you clapping? Um well you may not have thought it was very interesting, but some people did. And whether it's interesting or not, he was still keeping going on the subject of atlas in Just A Minute. So an incorrect challenge Derek, for which you gain a point and you keep the subject and there are 17 seconds left starting now.

DN: Geography and the atlas that I was given at school was a subject that particularly intrigued me. And then I learned from the atlas the countries of the world, which has been of tremendous use to me in my afterlife because I have followed...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged with one second to go. Clement?

CF: I was, I think he's premature talking about his afterlife!

NP: So he's devious?

CF: If this is his afterlife, what are we doing here?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I think, I think we ought to keep him company, yes! We all want a bit of company don't we!

NP: Yes i did have a dream once that I was still playing Just A Minute in my afterlife! It was a very celestial edition of the show. Clement you have a correct challenge and you have 50 seconds, sorry you have a fifth of a second left for atlas starting now.


NP: Clement Freud opened his mouth, Ian Messiter hesitated on blowing the whistle because he was more than a fifth of a second. And at the end of that round of course Clement Freud is the only one to have any points because he also gained the extra one for speaking as the whistle went...

CF: Or not speaking!

NP: ... and Clement... Clement the subject is bowls and we would like yo to take this round starting now.

CF: Bowls is an awfully good game which you play on a bowling green if you are of that bent. And some bowl pitches because one mustn't use the same word again, um, are crown...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Um, hesitation, oh um.

NP: Oh I think you're being too sharp there. No I disagree with that. No Clement you can keep going with bowls with 47 seconds left starting now.

CF: When you play cricket, you either bowl or bat or field or sometimes all three, although it is fairly rare to get a wicket-keeper who does more than one of those pastimes. In Hong Kong...


NP: Wendy Richard has challenged.

WENDY RICHARD: Isn't that, that's deviation.

NP: Yes he's now talking about wicket-keepers.

WR: And bowling and not bowls.

NP: No no, bowling would have been all right, no no, don't go on about that. No no. He was talking about the other people on the field of cricket.

WR: It's deviation.

NP: So he's really on about cricket then, and not bowls and bowling. Wendy 37 seconds, bowls starting now.

WR: I have never played bowls myself although I have enjoyed a game of petanque as boules as the French refer to it. This is a fascinating pastime. You have little tiny silver balls and...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: That's disgusting! And untrue!

NP: It may be disgusting but actually...

CF: It's quite untrue.

NP: You can have them any colour if you play petanque.

CF: Well they're not little tiny if they're silver. And if it's cocochinay it isn't silver...

WR: I was about to refer to the indoor version of the game, where you do have little ones. If you'd have let me continue!

NP: Wendy you can keep the subject having gained another point and 23 seconds on bowls starting now.

WR: When playing the indoor version, one uses a smaller sphere of this light coloured metal. But if you'd got outdoor...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well to help her I think...

NP: It is...

DN: ... I buzzed for hesitation.

NP: He listened in Wendy, right, so Derek got a correct challenge and he has bowls now with 10 seconds left starting now.

DN: Some wonderful bowls were discovered in a nanking cargo. Particularly I like some of the celatine ones and indeed there were some marvellous underglazed blue and white bowls...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of marvellous.

NP: Yes you did say marvellous twice I'm afraid Derek. So Clement's got in with one second to go on bowls starting now.

CF: It is an Olympic event...


NP: And Clement Freud got that extra point for speaking as the whistle went. Kenneth has yet to score but he does begin the next round. Kenneth, Bob's your uncle. Would you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

KW: Bob's your uncle is an English expression meaning everything's all right. Or the change is correct at the shop. And people say Bob's your uncle and off you go. It derives from the Peel, Robert Peel's administration because it is alleged that he gave jobs to all his chums. Or so they said, Bob's your uncle. But actually my uncle was Bob. And I used to go out on my bicycle to visit him at Rainum which was quite near Tredagenham which was the place where he worked on automobile manufacturing. And I used to say "oh Bob, this must be exciting when you pull all those carburettors and mudguards and headlamps on." And he used to...


NP: Wendy you challenged.

WR: I think you're going on at deviation.

NP: Deviation, he's gone on about automobiles and motor cars and mudguards and things. He's off Bob's your uncle. So Wendy you've got in with a correct challenge and four and a half seconds starting now, Bob's your uncle.

WR: I used to have an Uncle Bob, and he was a bus inspector up north. And one day...


NP: So Wendy Richard got in and spoke as the whistle went and she's got another point. And she's now one behind our leader Clement Freud, ahead of Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams. And Wendy your turn to begin, the subject, kites. Will you tell us something about that delightful subject starting now.

WR: Kites are wonderful things. The Chinese make the most beautiful kites. They take for the subject of these kites various birds. They do kyte-birds, that's K-Y-T-E, or eagles or swallows and paint it the most beautiful colours. And there is nothing more pleasing to the eye than to stand on a windy hill and watch these kites skating through the clouds as the wind passes over the hills, going to and fro...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well we did go to and fro twice.

NP: Yes you went to and fro twice.

DN: A bit mean.

WR: Sorry.

NP: The audience were enjoying it because Wendy was actually acting everything out! I must explain that to our listeners. And we really were carried away, she was on the top of that hill and with her kites. But Derek you had a correct challenge and there are 30 seconds left on kites starting now.

DN: If ah any...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: (laughs) I mean you started off going ah ahh, it's unbelievable, I mean an old hand like you falling for that! Oh you have to laugh! You have to laugh!

NP: Oh yes I agree, he's been playing the game for 21 years, he still starts off if er. Right Clement I know your challenge and you are correct, you have kites with 28 seconds left starting now.

CF: I always remember George Cole as a man who was very keen on kites, in a film, I think called Quartet by Somerset Maughan. And he would leave his wife, simply in order to go out in to the hills, into the country and fly his kite. And get away from the pressures and all the other tensions which he had. I have seen the same actor playing in all sorts of television...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He's talking about the career of George Cole.

NP: Yes.

DN: And not about kites.

NP: You're right, he deviated from kites on to the career of George Cole, and so you now have a, you have a correct challenge with five seconds on kites Derek starting now.

DN: Spitfires, Hurricanes were some of the kites which was the kind of slang word used by the RAF...


NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: Oh I think, I thought it should have been were and it was was, it was going to be a grammatical one.

NP: So what is your challenge?

WR: His grammar!

NP: His grammar? So he got his grammar all wrong, did he?

CF: Deviation of the King's English.

WR: Yes thank you very much, deviation of the Queen's English!

NP: The Queen's English, yes.

WR: Yes.

NP: I'm glad you corrected him. The ah, I don't think he did deviate.

WR: All right.

NP: So I'll let him get away with it with half a second on kites starting now.

DN: A junior count is called a kite...


NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud are equal in the lead, ahead of Wendy Richard who is followed by Kenneth Williams. And Derek your turn to begin, the subject, nannies. Will you tell us something about those in this game starting now.

DN: My wife once advertised in The Times for a nanny to look after children aged six months, 11, 12 and 35 - me! She got a number of replies and they came and were auditioned. And she chose a vast, gross creature who was singularly attractive because she claimed she was a good needlewoman. It seemed to me to be rather unimportant. No nannies are creatures which are very good if you have children. They evolved really out of the wet-nurse...


NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: Did you say children twice?

DN: Yes I did, absolutely, well listened.

NP: So Wendy you have a correct challenge, yes, of repetition, and there are 22 seconds for you to talk on nannies starting now.

WR: When I was little I was brought up by a nanny, well several nannies in fact...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I thought she hesitated.

NP: I know she did, but she she's allowed...

CF: I wanted to talk about nannies.

NP: She's a guest and she's only played it once before.

CF: I know.

NP: So we let her gets away with it.

CF: It was because I wanted to talk about a nanny.

NP: Oh well maybe you'll get another chance. There are 20, 17 seconds on nannies starting now.


NP: Clement Freud challenged. You have got a chance to talk about it.

CF: I'd like to talk about it.

NP: Fifteen seconds for you Clement on nannies starting now.

CF: I had a nanny who said that the Queen thinks the whole world smells of fresh ah paint...


NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: Hesitation.

NP: Yes hesitation yes. I don't know what happened to his voice.

CF: It went.

NP: It went. Ten seconds back with you Wendy on nannies starting now.

WR: This nanny I had...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: We haven't heard from you on nannies yet.

KW: No.

NP: So I think it would be a fair thing to...

KW: Yes. Very very clear case of hesitation there.

NP: So nine seconds for you Derek, on, sorry Kenneth on nannies starting now.

KW: The nanny goat has teats, and what you do is you rub them and that produces the milk by which you can make the most wonderful goat's...


NP: Well I'm glad we heard from all of them on that subject of nannies, because they all so, contributed so much. And of course Kenneth topped it all with the nanny goat. Because if you were listening a few weeks ago, you may remember, if not I will inform you, that actually Kenneth finished the show talking about milking a goat. And that's what he was actually referring back to, and that's what made us all laugh so much. And by the way at the end of that round, Kenneth was speaking as the whistle went, he gained that all important extra point and he's still in fourth place. Clement it's your turn to begin, the subject is fast food. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Fast food is a name given to any sort of food which can be produced at speed. And it's got nothing to do with not having to wait for it because invariably the hamburger and cheeseburger takes half an hour or longer, and it's still called fast food. Goat's cheese would be a particularly popular dish because all you have to do is cut the bulk and serve it in portions at solarity especially if nobody has to wait at all. Fast orders in the United States are called short of the same ilk. And people with funny hats and clean hands and tomato ketchup serve it. And this is part of the fast food syndrome, about coca colas, fizzy drinks, tea and coffee and other beverages would all come under the classification of fast food. Quite often...


NP: Well Clement the round of applause you received at the end for keeping going, not only for a whole minute, shows that they appreciate your erudition and the way you handle the English language in just A Minute. And you have got two points in that round, one for not being interrupted, and one for speaking as the whistle went. And you are in the lead just ahead of Wendy Richard. Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, gobbledegook. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Once on this very programme, we had the past master of the art of gobbledegook, in the form of Professor Unwin. And he said to us, "rise in the early maude, with your waking forth the clarity in the milode, trip over the ancient beechus baskus with the wax or Ulysses stick in the eardrobe in order to pass the siren safely." And I said at the time, "wonderful but how should we say hello?" And he cried out "goodly bye-lode" which I thought was quite delightful. He described a luxury block of flats as "luxury flabber-block with dangly chandeleery Harry the Acres and Catherine of Arabold." And while I knew that Catherine of Aragon did once occupy the position of Consort, I'd never heard her call Arabold, which I thought was quite delightful. And I wanted very much for him to return...


NP: So this is indeed a treasured edition of Just A Minute. Clement showed his style and abilities as he went with great interest in fast food. And now Kenneth took the subject of gobbledegook and with great panache and style kept going for 60 seconds without being interrupted. A point for doing so, a point for speaking as the whistle went. I don't know why they laughed then, he must have been doing something filthy actually. But um I'm afraid he's still in fourth place but what value he brings to it. Wendy can you keep up the good work. Oh that is the subject actually, work. That is the subject which you can take in Just A Minute starting now.

WR: Work is a four letter word which most people shy away from. Unfortunately I like a lot of others have to work extremely hard every week. And but we um... we we ah enjoy our work...


WR: ... as I'm sure most of you all do. As I can see Clement and Kenneth does...

NP: Yes.

WR: ... and Nicholas and Ian and...

NP: Yes.

DN: Yes.

WR: In fact most people...

NP: Wendy you were challenged actually.

WR: Was I? Oh I never heard.

NP: Clement challenged you after about five seconds I think.

WR: Oh thanks very much! I never heard it!

NP: What was the challenge Clement?

CF: well you name it!

NP: Oh that's wicked, but I know you challenged, you pressed your buzzer when she had hesitated for a very long time and got the giggles. But it's lovely having you, we love the way you giggle actually.

WR: Thank you.

NP: It's delightful. Clement we give you 45 seconds to continue, no sorry, to take over the subject of work starting now.

CF: Work is an ethic and as Wendy so properly said, it is a four letter word. And I can say it again because she said it before. Nine to six is the normal sort of time, although 12 to one-thirty lunch hour and a tea break are not uncommon in industrial usage at the moment. Kenneth Rain...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed and Derek you take work, the subject, over with 22 seconds left starting now.

DN: Oscar Wilde said that work is the curse of the drinking classes. And I think that he is absolutely right, it does interfere with one's enjoyment of life. To have to go out early in the morning to rehearse or whatever one might be doing, to dig roads, to build motor cars or to milk goats, one is inclined to be unpleasant about the life in...


NP: All very close. Kenneth Williams is trailing a little in fourth place, but Wendy is in second place, one behind Derek Nimmo, who is only two behind Clement Freud. And Derek it is your turn to begin, the subject is practical jokes. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: I have always been a great practical joker. It is tremendous fun to hand somebody a piece of string, at one side of the corner, ask them to hold it, and then disappear around into the next street and ask somebody to seize the same piece of...


NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition unless the somebodies were different people but?

NP: I beg your pardon?

CF: He said somebody twice.

NP: Two somebodies. So Clement you have practical jokes and there are 20, sorry, 41 seconds left starting now.

CF: My favourite practical joke was when a man went to a police station and said "there are some Oxford undergraduates digging up the road". And then went to navvies in a then nearby street and said "the constabulary are coming to beat you up and they are only pretending to be members of that particular organisation". And stood by to watch the most amazing fight! This is the sort of practical joke which I think is hilarious, and does great harm to the orderliness of the life in which we live. But practical jokes can be as simple as that described by Derek Nimmo...


NP: Well Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went, and got an extra point, and has has increased his lead at the end of that round. And it is his turn to take the next round. Clement the subject is neighbours. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Neighbours are people who live next door. If you happen to reside at number 28, 29 would be the house in which your neighbour lived. Similarly 30 and 31, 46 and 48...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well it's just a load of numbers! You're not even talking about these neighbours at all. We don't know what they're like even, all we know is the numbers.

NP: So you're...

KW: Deviation.

NP: Deviation because he had got on to a load of numbers rather than...

KW: Yes.

NP: ... talking about neighbours. Yes well Kenneth I think it's about time we heard from you with 44 seconds on neighbours starting now.

KW: (sings) When you've got friends and neighbours, the world is a wonderful place! (speaks) Well that was one of the numbers I first heard as a young and impressionable callow youth. And I was in the Army and we were doing a show for the troops, you see. And this girl came on and belted out about neighbours. And the troops all rose...


NP: Wendy Richard you challenged, what was your challenge?

WR: He said, Kenneth said troops twice.

NP: Did he?

WR: Yes.

NP: I'm afraid he did, yes. Fourteen seconds for you Wendy on neighbours starting now.

WR: Neighbours is yet another soap that we're inflicted with on TV. I personally have had to sit through this programme, and I cannot understand its popularity. I don't mean to say it is any better than ours, but some of the performances in it are...


NP: I just would like to mention those who were not with us when we recorded the last show we did with Wendy Richard, that um she had the subject of soap in that particular recording. And that was what she was referring to when she started off then. Anyway Wendy kept going until the whistle went, gained that extra point and she's now in second place ahead of Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud is still our leader. Kenneth is trailing and it's his turn to begin. The subject Kenneth is education. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

KW: A very interesting story arises from the word education and was told to the newspapers by the Archbishop's wife, Mrs Runcie. She said she visited a school and saw the children make the crib showing the Nativity. And she asked the little lad what it had meant to him. And he said "well I blame Joseph, he should have booked!" Because after all we're told the three Rs are absolutely essential. And for my part I sat there at school, I never really took anything in. I only enjoyed the poetry when the bits about Rupert Brooke were told me by the master. I quite enjoyed that. The Roman rode to...


NP: Wendy...

WR: He said enjoyed twice.

NP: What's that darling?

WR: Repetition.

NP: Mmmm?

DN: Repetition of enjoyed.

WR: Repetition of enjoyed.

KW: Very well listened, she's got good ears!

NP: Yes she's got good ears yes, you did enjoy it before yes, you enjoyed your education. Ah so there are eight seconds for you Wendy on education starting now.

WR: Education...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation I'm afraid.

NP: Yes. As you've played the game before now Wendy, it was a bit harsh, but he is trailing a little.

WR: All right! As it's Kenneth, I don't mind!

NP: As it's Kenneth and he's trailing. There are seven seconds for you Kenneth on education starting now.

KW: And the boy was asked "what is the capital of Tobago?" And he said "I should think about four pence ha'penny!" And that was another...


NP: Well so Kenneth got a number of points on education including one for speaking as the whistle went and he is still in fourth place. It's a very close contest anyway this week. Wendy we're back with you to start, Wendy Richard. The subject is bed socks. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

WR: I think bed socks are one of the most marvellous inventions of any century. I personally have several pairs. My most favourite are in blue and they, and they've white soles...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Sorry.

NP: It was a bit harsh, wasn't it yes.

DN: It was hesitation really.

NP: It was a hesitation but she's only played the game once.

WR: All these people are dying to find out about my bed socks now!

NP: Well you tell them about your bed socks Wendy, because that was a harsh challenge, 47 seconds left starting now.

WR: With little bells on the toes and they were made by this very nice firm up in bath. I also have other bed socks in pink and white and I think they're absolutely marvellous. You see there us nothing worse than going to bed with cold feet or even someone else who has very... cold...


NP: Derek Nimmo yes.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: This time she couldn't find another word for cold. So Derek you got in with a correct challenge and there are 31 seconds on bed socks starting now.

DN: I'm just looking forward to the day that she can throw away her bed socks and live with Paul whose telephone number is 7345-812. And he will come along and warm her feet and bed socks will be something into the past even with bells on the end of them! Because I think that might be distinctly inconvenient in their new-found marital bliss, which I hope the bed socks when they've been discarded, will be replaced by. No, bed socks I have myself and I use them when I am going camping in Great Portland Street...


NP: For those people who like to have all their facts clear, the Paul that Derek Nimmo was referring to was the love in Wendy's life at the present moment. We've reached the end...

WR: And forever I hope!

KW: Yes, she said forever I hope! She said.

NP: She, he is without doubt the love of her life at the present moment, and has been for quite a while.

WR: And the afterlife!

NP: And the afterlife.

KW: No, what Nicholas means is that there are changes in the body. It's what they call your metabolism. And one year you might fancy a sweet sherry, another year you might say "oh what a revolting drink!" You know what I mean? And a lot of people maintain that this is the basis for the argument apropos divorce.

NP: And I apologise if an inadvertent remark of mine has dragged Wendy's love life through the traumas of the public exhibition. But I do assure he's a lovely chap and so is Wendy! Oh dear! Once you've put your foot in it, I always believe in putting the other one in as well! So let me give you the final score at the end of this particular round if people can wipe the tears away from their eyes. Believe it or not, our guest who has only played the game once before, came to triumph, with Paul supporting her in the audience, to be in second place, but only one point behind our winner this week, Clement Freud! I do hope all of our listeners have enjoyed the fun as well as all the erudition that we try to give you in Just A Minute. On behalf of my four magnificent panellists, and Ian Messiter who thought of and devised the game, and our producer Edward Taylor, who does such a magnificent job, unseen and unheard until after the show is over, and myself Nicholas Parsons, from all of us here, good-bye!