NOTE: Christopher Timothy's first appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Hello, this is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to introduce to you the four exciting personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We have two of our regular players of the game, Peter Jones and Clement Freud. We welcome back Lance Percival. And also our special guest this week, Christopher Timothy. Will you please welcome all four of them! The creator of the game, Ian Messiter, usually sits beside me to keep the score and also blow his whistle when 60 seconds are up. Well unfortunately Ian can't be with us today, so I am very fortunate because in his place I have our delightful producer's assistant Anne Ling. Now once again I'm going to ask our four panellists if they will talk for 60 seconds on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. And we'll begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement the subject is records. Will you please tell us something about records in Just A Minute starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: The Dean's son, Nathaniel Gover
Once bowled seven no-balls in an over
Which had never been done
By a clergyman's sibling
On a Tuesday in August at Dover.
That is the sort of conditional record which I'm getting pretty sick of. Because a genuine record is not throwing a...


NP: Lance Percival has challenged.

LANCE PERCIVAL: That was the word record twice, but I don't know whether that counts, because records was the title.

NP: No Lance, I know you have played the game before so I have got to be really tough with you. The word on the card is records.

LP: Yes.

NP: He can repeat records.

LP: But he said record, you see, so I thought that's a plural...

NP: Well how clever you are!

CF: Go home!

NP: Well listened. And so you get a point for that for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of records.

LP: Records are...

NP: No wait a minute! I must tell you, everybody likes to know. There are 40 seconds to go starting now.

LP: Records are made to be broken, as in Des O'Connor's. But the type of record that I enjoy are athletic particular achievements, as we will see no doubt in South Korea with the likes of Sebastian Coe and Daley Thompson this September. Whether any of our runners will be able to do as well as they did last time, I doubt, because they seem to be getting a little old, the more famous ones...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree.

LP I breathed, I breathed.

NP: There was a hesitation.

LP: I breathed in!

NP: That's one of the problems on Just A Minute, you mustn't breathe in too much or too long. You can breathe but rapidly. So there are 16 seconds left Peter and you take over the subject of records starting now.

PJ: I used to collect very old gramophone records. Of Caruso and Dan Leno and Dame Nellie Melba and various people like that. But I found that the sound quality was so poor, that I could never persuade anyone else to listen to them with me and I finally gave up...


NP: That very gentle whistle so delicately blown by Anne sitting beside me, tells us that 60 seconds are up. And so whoever is speaking of course at that moment gets an extra point. It was Peter Jones who is in the lead at the end of the first round and Peter we would like you to take the second round which is fiddles. Would you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PJ: Well the best fiddles I believe were made by Italians centuries ago. One of the names that springs to mind is Stradivarius, who I read only the other day applied um...


PJ: Sorry.

NP: He applied an um.

PJ: Yes.

NP: And Lance Percival came in first. All right Lance...

LP: Hesitation yes.

NP: Right so Lance...

LP: It was a pity because I was enjoying it.

NP: Lance you have another point and you have the subject of fiddles with 47 seconds left starting now.

LP: Fiddles is a word that is engraved on the mind of every Inland Revenue employee. They seem to fill that you are after a fiddle every time that you fill in a form, and therefore will come round and look at you in a very specific way and tell you no fiddling here please, otherwise you will pay more tax. I on the other hand never do any fiddles, as long as I'm speaking on the radio. So I will assure you...


NP: Christopher Timothy has challenged.

CHRISTOPHER TIMOTHY: I wasn't listening actually.

NP: It's very nice to hear from you Christopher yes. I thought you'd dropped off for a moment actually yes. Give us a challenge, any one.

CT: Um deviation.

NP: Lance gets another point for an incorrect challenge, keeps the subject and there are 24 seconds starting now.

LP: The other kind of fiddles are the ones that Peter Jones...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Oh did I challenge?

NP: Yes you did challenge yes. Was that just another Freudian slip?

CF: No it was a repetition.

NP: A repetition of what?

CF: Of um Christopher Timothy's challenge!

NP: I think what we do is we give Clement a bonus point for a very clever ah remark which the audience thoroughly enjoyed. But Lance gets a point for an incorrect challenge and he keeps the subject with 21 seconds left starting now.

LP: The other kind of fiddles are the ones of course that Peter Jones was talking about, and originate in th string section of an orchestra. Every time you go and see a band or a playing group in the Albert Hall, or any other particular concert place, you will hear a string section playing. And amongst the string section will be actually...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Too many string sections.

NP: There were too many string sections.

LP: Shame! Shame!

NP: So Clement has the subject with three seconds to go, fiddles starting now.

CF: On Burns night, you always see a very good fiddler...


NP: Yes it was a long three seconds, wasn't it. Who was speaking then as the whistle went? It was Clement Freud who at the end of that round is in second place, one point behind our leader Lance Percival, and one ahead of Peter Jones, and Christopher Timothy has yet to score but we have heard from him. Lance would you like to take the next round, a lovely subject, codswallop. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

LP: Codswallop as in load of, is a word that is never used referring to this particular programme. However I do believe that certain viewers who are not able to see this programme because it is on radio...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of programme.

LP: Well done yes.

NP: Yes and viewers and a lot of other things. Well done Peter, yes, codswallop is with you Peter with 49 seconds to go starting now.

PJ: Well it's a synonym for bilge or... blarney...


NP: Lance Percival challenged.

LP: There was rather a pause between the bilge and the blarney.

NP: Yes he got his bilge out and then he hesitated. Well codswallop is back with you Lance with 44 seconds starting now.

LP: There is no correct definition of codswallop in the dictionary. However I still believe that when the cods fleet came into various ports of Britain, the... fish were filleted...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

LP: I've got a tooth stuck.

NP: Hesitation yes, it's back with you, yes, they're hesitating like mad on codswallop. Thirty-three seconds for you Peter on the subject starting now.

PJ: Balderdash, rubbish, tripe, all kinds of words like that that describe what other people might describe as erudite...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two describes.

NP: Two describes.

PJ: Oh yes I think there were yes.

NP: That's right. And Clement is now in with 25 seconds to go on the subject of codswallop starting now.

CF: There's no good reason why codswallop shouldn't be a sort of piscine ale. If a fish goes into a pub and says "give me half a pint of codswallop". The proper...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No it's ah, we're into fantasy land tomorrow. You can't have a fish going into a pub and actually asking for a drink.

NP: But you see Peter, Peter you can go into the realms of fantasy in Just A Minute. After all the guy might be called Mister Fish.

LP: Yes.

NP: He might be as fishy as that guy who gave that wrong forecast. I mean it could be that Fish. Any fish. So really he wasn't strictly deviating according to the rules of the game. So Clement has another point and 12 seconds on codswallop starting now.

CF: The owner or proprietor of the halibut, turbot or hake might simply go into the Kings Arms and demand of the gentleman behind the beer... pool...


NP: And Lance Percival got in there.

LP: Was that beer pool a slight pause?

NP: Yes, he was searching, searching for another word because he mentioned the word bar, yes.

CF: Hyphen pool!

NP: Yes beer yes so we're with you Lance, you've got in with half a second to go, you're doing a Clement Freud on us!

LP: Meanwhile...

NP: Codswallop...

LP: ... back at the filleting section of the cod's world...


NP: So at the end of that round Lance Percival is still in the lead, but he's only just ahead of Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And Christopher Timothy is going to begin the next round. And the subject for you Christopher, for your start on Just A Minute is cat's whiskers. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CT: Being asked to talk about cat's whiskers has little or nothing to do with the fact that I have dealt with animals on a certain television programme over various and many years. Cats' whiskers are in fact notably known for being the same width as the widest part of the feline animal, this enabling the cat to know um... to know that the width of the orifice or indeed if they're a lot orifi that its chooses to go through, he will know, or she, because cats can be as you probably know of both sexes, to get through the hole, if the hole isn't wider than the depth and width between one end of one whisker and the end of the whisker on the other end which come out of the side of the cat's face. Cat's whiskers are used thus. They also are used for wirelesses. Now wirelesses for those of you young enough not to know are in fact another word for radio on which we now appear. This is in fact a wireless programme known as steam radio. Steam has nothing to do with cat's whiskers, but with too much...


NP: So Christopher Timothy took the subject of cat's whiskers and went for a full 60 seconds, full of hesitation, repetition and deviation! And thanks to the generosity of those who have played the game before Christopher, you gave such wonderful entertainment, they did not wish to interrupt you. You not only get a bonus, you not only get a point for speaking when the whistle went, you get a bonus point for not being interrupted. And two more points for the fact that nobody spotted all those hesitations, repetitions and deviations. So you're now equal with Peter Jones in third place. Clement Fred we're back with you, the subject is potatoes. Would you talk about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Potatoes are about the most boring and inexpensive vegetable which is very sad because it is their very cheapness which makes for the dullness. Somehow consumers believe...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Not quite!

PJ: No.

NP: No no teetering on hesitation but not quite

PJ: Teetering? I see.

NP: But we get too far into the realms of you know, precision. Clement you keep the subject of potatoes and there are 49 seconds left starting now.

CF: Believe because the inexpensiveness of the vegetable makes it commonplace which is quite wrong. Potatoes are absolutely delicious whether they're steamed...


NP: Lance Percival.

LP: Well I'm just going back a bit, because he did start using the word vegetable and he has used it again.

CF: Vegetables.

NP: He said vegetables the first time.

LP: I've been had on my own plural, my golly!

NP: Yes.

LP: I do beg your pardon.

NP: You got him for that right at the beginning of the show, you got him on a plural.

LP: Yes.

NP: And a single.

LP: Yes, I just said that actually.

NP: You slipped up on the reverse now.

PJ: But he did say they were boring, and now lately he's been saying they're rather interesting.

NP: You can say what you like in Just A Minute as long as you don't deviate from the subject on the card.

LP: Yes.

NP: Clement you get a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, potatoes, 39 seconds left starting now.

CF: If you are a cook, a chef, a culinary practitioner, you may take a saucepan, a frying ditto, or any other utensil and steam, boil, roast, fry, saute, bake, or cut into small pieces and dip in deep fat, or shallow Canadian lard. And the most delicious morsels will appear whether they be chips or pompom neuf or (speaks in German) as the Germans call it. I like potatoes a lot because in Cambridgeshire they grow them in the fields. And this is the sort of time in which...


NP: So Clement kept the subject of potatoes, he started with it and kept it in spite of interruptions right through to the end. And Peter Jones begins the second round. Peter the subject is cocktails. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well I'm sorry Derek Nimmo isn't here to talk about them because he wrote a book about cocktails. I hope he will write a book about salted nuts some day. I remember he mentioned the invention of the dry martini, and that happens to be my favourite cocktail. You make it with gin or possibly vodka and a small amount of vermouth. And it has ah an olive in the bottom...


NP: And Christopher Timothy challenged. Yes what was that? Hesitation?

CT: Hesitation.

NP: Yes well done Timothy, well listened, in there like a... So Christopher you have a correct challenge there, it was hesitation indeed. So the subject is cocktails starting, oh and you have 35 seconds starting now.

CT: Many actors want to play parts which involve the drinking, the serving or the handling of cocktails, which usually requires wearing dinner suits, bow ties, with pretty girls wearing skin-tight satin dresses. You know the sort of thing. And those are the sort of parts that most actors that I know of my own ilk would like to play. Unfortunately there seems to be a dearth of parts which don't require...


NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of um part, parts, actors, dearth, anyway, repetition! I thought we'd get them in!

NP: You are extremely kind to underline it.

CF: Sorry.

NP: I mean he is a guest, it's the first time he's played the game.

CF: No, the second, second.

CT: It's time I learnt.

NP: Well I think, yes.

CT: Off you go Clement.

NP: Off you go, right the gloves are off now, 15 seconds for Clement on cocktails starting now.

CF: Once upon a time there was a chicken who had lots of small chicklets. And one evening the pouisson said to his father, please tell me a story. And he began and said it was a...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Was he teetering then, or was it a pause?

NP: It was teetering.

PJ: Oh right, so he's teetered twice now!

CF: Repetition of teeter?

NP: So three teeters would make a pause? All right, but he, no I disagree Peter on pausing and there are two seconds still with Clement on cocktails starting now.

CF: A brandy alexander is terrific, really...


NP: So Clement Freud has increased his lead at the end of that round and Lance Percival is following in second place. And then comes Christopher Timothy. But Lance begins the next round, the subject for you, Lance Percival is centaur. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

LP: A centaur has the rear half of a horse and the front end of a human being. And a better description of Nicholas Parsons you are unlikely to get! However I have done some market research into these matters. And I have discovered that to be fair the public, when seeing our chairman walk down the street, are actually saying "is it the wonderful scent, or his charming good looks?" That is where the word derived and that I think deserves another point if anything does. However I will agree that a centaur is something from Greek mythology and that probably part of their imagination from overindulging in Uzo in days of yore. Because mythology means something that doesn't actually...


LP: Oh.

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: That's a couple of mythologies.

NP: Yes mythology came back again.

LP: And two centaurs.

NP: Yes, so Clement has another point and he has the subject and 23 seconds to talk on centaur starting now.

CF: When I went to my first school, the headmaster said you are down for sport on Thursday afternoon. And I explained that I would like to be a centaur forward.



NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He came to a full stop.

NP: Yes. It's the awful thing about Just A Minute. If you get a big laugh you can't go straight on because you've got to time your laughs. And on this occasion of course he paused. So I think, I've actually, as you've gone for a couple of teeters, I think we'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say he should have kept going in spite of the laughter Peter. And you take the subject of centaur with 10 seconds to go starting now.

PJ: I've seen pictures of these creatures prancing about on mountain sides, sometimes chasing after...


NP: And Christopher Timothy challenged.

CF: Pause there, a teeter, a pause.

NP: No no, a teeter wouldn't give it to you, a pause would yes. Well done Christopher and you've got one second to talk on centaur. can you do it starting now.


NP: And you've been challenged. Clement you challenged, what was your challenge?

CF: Hesitation!

NP: No! Christopher you get another point for an incorrect challenge, you have half a second to talk on centaur starting now.

CT: The rear end of a centaur...

NP: Oh she can't get her whistle out! Anne has swallowed her whistle! Blow now!


NP: Oh this game gets through to you, does't it Anne. Yes you get absolutely overwhelmed with it. This is what's so lovely about Just A Minute, we all enjoy it so much. And it's communicated to the audience, we hope it's going across the airwaves to the people in the far-flung parts of every country in the world who listen to Just A Minute. Clement Freud still in the lead and Christopher Timothy's in second place. He's now moved up ahead of Lance Percival and Peter Jones. And Christopher you begin the next round, child's play. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CT: Child's play is often an expression used to say how easy something is. Many of my friends, not all of whom are actors, have said "oh yes, Just A Minute, child's play". They should be here now! The other interesting thing about child's play really is that it's the play of children. It's the pastime of children. I have a lot of children, and I've seen them all play and ah, one of the favourite games, as you well know with children, is that they like to pretend to be their parents. I was once in the garden watching my son and two of his friends...


NP: Excuse me Christopher, you've been interrupted. Challenged by Lance Percival.

LP: No I wasn't challenging, I was just wondering how many children he's got?

NP: How many children have you got Christopher?

CF: I have seven children.

NP: You have? A round of applause. Seven children!


LP: In which case it's all right because he's only mentioned four of them so far!

NP: I think the applause actually was envy more than anything. The fun you must have had! Ah...

CT: Do I get a point, a point for the children?

NP: Mmmmm?

CT: Do I get a point for children?

NP: I don't know, have you got any other challenge besides children?

LP: No, now that I understand he's got seven children...

NP: Well actually then that's an incorrect challenge...

LP: Yes.

NP: ... so he gets another point and um because that's...

PJ: No he's not being awarded a point, just because he's got seven children?

NP: He's being awarded a point because he's...

CF: How many points do you suggest?

NP: If you are interrupted and your flow is stopped, then you automatically get a point because it's an incorrect challenge. And therefore Christopher gets a point because he was interrupted, he has to pick up his mental and verbal flow and continue on child's play with 27 seconds to go starting now.

CT: The interesting thing about children is that when they start learning good manners, they start to ah, er bleurgh...


NP: Lance you challenged again.

LP: Well we had five children, that's all right, but starting twice.

NP: Yes right.

LP: Starting twice.

NP: You let the children go, but you couldn't cope with the starting. Right so Lance you have another point and the subject, 21 seconds, child's play starting now.

LP: The child's play that I enjoy most of all is taking my young son into the park at Fulham which is very rare because there aren't many of them. However there are several swings in the one I go to. And I sit in the swing and he pushes them behind quite regularly, and we both enjoy ourselves thoroughly. Then we go down the slides and at the bottom of the slide we generally bump into several other children who are trying to do the same thing at the time...


NP: So Lance Percival got those all important extra points speaking as the whistle went and he's moved back into second place alongside Christopher Timothy, behind Clement Freud and ahead of Peter Jones. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject is ogresses. Would you tell us something about that, ogresses, Just A Minute starting now.

CF: An ogre is a hideous figure from folklore. Therefore an ogress would be a female of that species, and ogresses would be that word in the plural. I don't think I have a lot more to say about that. But if you look at the present incumbent of the Conservative Party, I do put it to you that you could do far worse than look for that sort of species...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of species.

LP: He's deviating into a party political broadcast.

NP: Yes but ah that is true as well but your challenge came second Lance. Peter's came first and I agree with it and there are 31 seconds Peter for you to talk on ogresses starting now.

PJ: I think it's terribly unkind to describe a woman as an ogress, in ah because they're after all trying to...


NP: Lance Percival challenged.

LP: I challenge that he desperately wants to get rid of the word.

NP: You are perfectly right because he did hesitate there yes. I'm sure we endorse his comments because we don't want to be personal in Just A Minute. And so the subject is...

CF: Oh really?

NP: Twenty-five seconds for you Lance on ogresses starting now.

LP: There are several ogresses that I know personally, but due to the laws of libel, I shall not be able to mention their names on this particular programme. However I will give you a few clues. Tall wide and handsome is the first one and if you can guess who that is I'm damned if I can. The second person would be somebody who is slightly older, has been in the acting profession for 25 years, and is very difficult to work with because she will insist on talking you off the face...


NP: That's a new way of playing Just A Minute. You don't say what you're talking about but keep referring to something. Lance did that successfully till the whistle went, got that all important extra point and he is now only one point behind our leader Clement Freud. And Peter Jones begins the next round, Peter the subject is knock knock. Can you talk on that subject starting now.

PJ: Well that's another pootling game isn't it, where people say "knock knock" and someone else says "who's there?" And then the other person has to repeat something. And I can't describe the game of course without repeating a name. And that would be rather tedious because someone would immediately challenge me...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of someone.

NP: Yes that is right Clement. So knock knock is with you having gained another point, you have 42 seconds left starting now.

CF: I very much like the Irish version of knock knock where the person says "let us play knock knock" and the Irish person... I've already said Irish so somebody really...

NP: Christopher Timothy!


NP: Oh Clement Freud you've pressed your buzzer, you've challenged yourself.

CF: For repetition.

NP: So Clement that's a correct challenge so you get another point for that! And there are 41 seconds for you to continue with knock knock starting now.

CF: The chap from the Emerald Isles says "shall we play knock knock?" The other one nods. And he says "you start".


NP: Lance Percival challenged.

LP: Well I can't wait to hear the end of the story but he did actually, did actually...

NP: That's why he didn't challenge before.

LP: Right, oh well he stopped at the end of the story.

NP: Yes he did stop and that's of course a pause we interpret it in Just A Minute. So Lance you came in first and 33 seconds are left for you to talk on knock knock starting now.

LP: Knock knock can also be described as a pair of knockers which Dolly Parton is blessed with in a most certain manner. I've always thought that a pair of knockers is something that something should...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He repeated knockers.

LP: Yes.

NP: And pair as well.

LP: At my age you tend to, you know.

NP: Yes I agree with your challenge Peter and you take over the subject of knock knock with 25 seconds to go starting now.

PJ: Well it could be something that you might complain about hearing in your car. If it's trundling along the road and you say knock knock and the car answers, possibly...


NP: Clement Freud challenges.

CF: Repetition of car.

NP: Yes you...

PJ: Oh yes car yes.

NP: You tried to keep away from other things and you repeated car. And Clement got in with 15 seconds to go on knock knock starting now.

CF: Postmen tend to get the door knocker and rap it on the woodwork. And the result is a knock knock or rat tat or some similar cacophony, as a result of which the incumbent of the building upon which...


NP: I think that was a very difficult subject and they all did very well to keep going at all with it. But Clement finished the subject, gained the extra point, he’s still in the lead, but Lance Percival is in a good second place. And Lance I think this will be the last round actually and the subject is marbles. Will you tell us something about marbles in this game starting now.

LP: In my early youth, marbles is a game that I used to play with a scruffy kid called Elgin. After the score reached 624 to one, I not only discovered that he was good, but I also found out that he had nicked these particular marbles from a young girl called Melina McCory. This female grew up later and is now to be seen in the British Museum running up and down, shouting things like "oy! Give 'em back, lad!" Not exactly those particular words, but to that effect definitely. I don't know whether he was a peer of the marbles, but he was certainly a Lord in his own right. And it's unfortunate that although he was named for pinching sculptures as well, that is nothing to do with the marbles that I am talking about. The marbles I refer to is of course the nice little game with the round board and some glass balls that you put into holes on top of the board. And I might even repeat that...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of board.

NP: Clement it is repetition, the subject's with you, and there are 11 seconds on marbles starting now.

CF: If you cross a centaur with an ogress and say knock knock, it is quite likely you will get marbles as a result. They also come in solid...


NP: It seems a very clever way to finish this edition of Just A Minute. And it was aptly finished by Clement Freud who started in the lead and remained there throughout the contest. But let me tell you that Peter Jones who has played the game many many times and gives us great value, finished up with quite a number of points. He didn't get quite as many as Christopher Timothy who has never played the game before. He didn't get as many as Lance Percival who has played the game before. But the man who got most points and therefore we call him the winner this week, it is Clement Freud! So we hope you've enjoyed listening to Just A Minute. And may I say on behalf of my four delightful guests, and Ian Messiter who created the game of Just A Minute, and our producer Ted Taylor, and myself, Nicholas Parsons, from all of us here good-bye!