NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to introduce to you the four exciting and stimulating guests who this week are going to play Just A Minute. Well we have three of our regular players, Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. And we welcome in the fourth chair, the guest chair, someone who has played the game with great style and success before, Lance Percival. Will you please welcome all four of them! Beside me on the stage here at the Paris Studio sits Ian Messiter, the creator of the game, who not only keeps the time but also blows a whistle when the full minute is up. Once again I'm going to ask our four panellists to speak if they can on the subject that I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And let us begin this week's show with Kenneth Williams and who better. And our audience are laughing because already Kenneth Williams is in the mood of the show. Kenneth, oh, the subject is perfect for you. Would you talk on nuts. Starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Walnuts for your wall, and peanuts for making butter! Because they can be very nutritious in that form. And Nuts is the title of a film which is made by Barbra Streisand. I'm told it's going to be very funny. Nuts obviously can mean a state of manic stupidity. In fact it's something which has often happened during Just A Minute. And people have said that rather nutty programme, which I've always thought was a compliment...

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged, the light came on but no buzzer occurred. But anyway your light came on Clement. Would you like to test your buzzer just once again?


NP: And we got a noise as well that time, how exciting! Clement what was your challenge?

CLEMENT FREUD: I didn't have a challenge. That's mainly why you heard no noise!

NP: Well the, there must be a gremlin in this apparatus which I have in front of me because the light which indicates your buzzer came on. Kenneth Williams has been interrupted in his flow, so you get a point therefore Kenneth...

KW: Yes! That's right! Yes!

NP: ... for a similar wrong challenge. And you continue with the subject with 28 seconds left, nuts starting now.

KW: Some nuts are more attractive if they're dressed up a bit. I find a bit of salt added...


NP: Clement Freud did challenge on that occasion.

CF: Repetition of bit.

NP: Yes you're quite right Clement, a challenge of repetition, so you have a point and you take over the subject with 23 seconds on nuts starting now.

CF: A Hungarian I know once came up to me and said "is nuts singular or plural?" And I explained it was the latter, to which he replied "why is it 'he are nuts', and not 'he is nuts'". I tried to explain that he, she...


NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of explain.

NP: Five seconds left for you Derek on nuts starting now.

DN: I'm Gilbert the Filbert, the kernel of the nuts. Now that's rather a...


NP: When the whistle goes, blown by Ian Messiter, whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. Of course it was Derek Nimmo so he is in the lead at the end of the first round. Derek would you take the next round, the subject, tonga. Would you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

DN: I first got into a tonga actually just outside the Red Port in New Delhi. It is as you know a two-wheeled horse drawn vehicle. And I asked them to take me to the great Luchen's vice-regal palace. And I admired it from outside, sitting in my tonga with tremendous appreciation. But probably the most famous person to come from the island of Tonga was Queen Selote who came over for the coronation of our own Monarch. And it is said, and i was there myself standing in the Mall, it was pouring with rain, that when she rode in an open cart, I have to use that because I used the other word before...


NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of used.

NP: You used that before, yes.

DN: I didn't say used before.

KW: No, he said, no he said, the first time was use and the second time was used.

NP: No I think he said used twice actually. You did say used...

KW: I wouldn't stand that for Derek! I think they're treating you very badly! You're a distinguished contributor to this game.

DN: Thank you very much Ken, I do appreciate that actually. It's very kind of you.

NP: This is a game where they not only pat each other on the back, but they also actually fight each other at different times.

DN: It all depends whether our chairman has got his hearing aid adjusted!

NP: Yes. Yes well you obviously haven't got yours turned up enough. Clement I agree with the challenge and there are 37 seconds left for Tonga starting now.

CF: Tonga is a series of islands known as the Friendlies. About 150 of them in the... Pacific...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation er.

KW: Yes I'm afraid that was very pronounced!

NP: Kenneth would you like to sit beside me and you can actually help deciding on these decisions. Right so Derek I agree with the challenge, you have another point and you take over the subject of Tonga with 20 seconds left starting now.

DN: And as Her Majesty rode in this coach which was...


NP: Lance Percival challenged.

LANCE PERCIVAL: He mentioned coach earlier or does that not count?

KW: No he said carriage before.

NP: Yeah but he did mention Her Majesty before.

LP: Yes he mentioned Her Majesty.

DN: He didn't challenge on Her Majesty!

NP: I know but Lance hasn't played the game for a number of years!

LP: Yes I'm mustn't get ahead of myself!

NP: And I thought it was nice to hear from him, I think a little bit of encouragement from the chairman at this point...

DN: I said Monarch last time actually.

NP: Yes you did, you're quite right, he did say Monarch. Yes you did say Monarch. So I'm sorry I can't help you on that once Lance. So it's an incorrect challenge...

DN: You now understand the real meaning of nuts, don't you!

NP: So Derek you continue with 15 seconds left starting now.

DN: It is quite the most beautiful island. I remember landing there and going up to Captain Cook's Point and sitting there looking over the great (unintelligible) which in fact...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No he hardly... six seconds are left with you Derek on Tonga starting now.

DN: And sitting opposite was assorted...


NP: Lance Percival challenged.

LP: He has said sitting before.

NP: He did say sitting before, perfectly correct. So Lance you've at last got in and there are four seconds left, so keep going on Tonga during those four seconds starting now.

LP: Tonga is situated in the middle of the Pacific and unfortunately I have not had the...


NP: So Lance Percival speaking then as the whistle went got that all-important extra point, and he's equal with Clement Freud. And Clement would you begin the next round and the subject, school. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Schools are currently in a bad way, primary, secondary, even tertiary education is not as it was. The other day I received a letter asking me whether I could inform the correspondent how many toilets there were in the private school at Sutton. And I had to reply that the whole educational system was a WC, and there wasn't really much that I could do about it. I went to school like everybody else at the age of five. I say like everybody else because I quite want to lose...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

CF: I quite want to lose the subject.

DN: Repetition of like everybody else.

NP: Yes, if you try to qualify yourself in just A Minute you trip yourself up. And the first person in was Derek Nimmo, another point to you Derek and there are 29 seconds left, school starting now.

DN: Of course education has changed very much since I went to school. Now they teach sex schooling, and I do think they ought not to give it as homework...


NP: Lance Percival challenged.

LP: A slight hesitation over ought not.

NP: I think he was getting in such a muddle with his words, I would call that hesitation. So Lance you have another point and you have 20 seconds on school starting now.

LP: My son is aged three and goes to a play school in Fulham. Unfortunately for me I find that he has already overtaken my own educational standard. However I do believe that drawing every day from about two o'clock in the afternoon till four thirty in the afternoon...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two afternoons.

LP: I know.

NP: Two afternoons.

LP: It does go two afternoons a week.

NP: So Clement you have school back with you and there are only five seconds left starting now.

CF: My daughter Emma said she very much enjoyed going to school, and she quite liked coming home from school...


NP: And we will never discover what Emma liked in between, because the whistle went and Clement was speaking, gained an extra point. He's now moved into second place just behind Derek Nimmo, our leader. Lance Percival begins the next round. And Lance the subject we'd like you to talk on is travel. Ca you tell us something about that in this game starting now.


NP: Um Derek Nimmo...

LP: You can't hesitate when you haven't started.

DN: Well you can, well he just didn't start.

NP: He didn't start at all.

DN: No, not at all.

NP: Well actually as he is a guest, and he hasn't played it much, I won't give you any points for that but leave the subject with you. You've got 58 seconds, don't do this all the way through because I can't support you again on this one. Fifty-eight seconds on travel starting now.

LP: Due to that dreadful expression that ah travel broadens the mind...


NP: Derek Nimmo. Isn't he mean. You're a guest, they don't give you any quarter.

LP: I was trying to correct myself.

NP: No leniency.

DN: I withdraw that challenge.

NP: No no...

DN: I withdraw the challenge.

NP: No you challenged twice and they were both correct challenges so the fair thing Derek is to give it to you. You have 55 seconds to tell us something about travel and if you can't tell us about travel nobody can, starting now.

DN: Oscar Wilde always said he used to travel with his dairy because he liked to read something sensational when he was on a train. Now I go on aeroplanes a great deal. And I take with me comics, News Of The World, and all kinds of paper bags which I blow into curious shapes while I'm really trying to think of what I can say about travel. Because I do go to all five continents quite frequently. I am going tomorrow to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates. And then from there I'm going to Sharjah... by...


NP: Lance Percival.

LP: He got stuck in Sharjah.

NP: There are 30 and one half seconds for you Lance to take back the subject of travel starting now.

LP: Well I have no doubt that after that he will go to Abu Dhabi, Bahrain, onto Kuala Lumpur, Hong Kong, Singapore, Korea, possibly the West Indies even. I have travelled also a but. But being in Fulham I don't travel quite so much. I find that the expression travel broadens your mind is very misleading. Because I have had to sally forth in that area in FW6 more often than I have had hot dinners...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He can't broaden his mind if it's less than that of his three year old son!

NP: A clever challenge from somebody who listens to the programme so well. What I like to do on these occasions is to give Clement a bonus point for a good and enjoyable challenge. But we leave the subject with Lance who gets a point also for being interrupted. And he has 12 seconds on travel starting now.


NP: And...

LP: I thought you were going to Clement. I'm sorry, I didn't say anything.

NP: No, Kenneth you challenged.

KW: I thought Lance was hesitating.

NP: You thought correctly Kenneth. We're going to hear from you on travel no with nine and a half seconds left starting now.

KW: The old man in Madrid
He went to an auction to bid
And the first thing they sold
Was an ancient commode
Whatho when they lifted the lid!


NP: Well at the end of that round Lance Percival and Clement Freud are equal in second place, just behind Derek Nimmo. Kenneth is trailing them all a little but he begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is BBC. Will you tell us something about that... there's nothing funny about the BBC. Starting now.

KW: The BBC headquarters of their World Service is Bush House. And engraved in the masonry are the words "nation shall speak peace unto nations..."



LP: It's an unyes.

NP: For the sake of our listeners, I must explain, the reason for that huge laugh then was that they all knew, the other three all knew the quotation, and they had their buzzers up ready to buzz as soon as they, he said the word nation a second time. And Lance Percival was a fraction ahead so his light came on first. So Lance you have the subject, BBC, with 47 seconds starting now.

LP: The television headquarters of the BBC is in Shepherd's Bush, at least that is where most of it emanates from. Although 25 percent of the output comes from Manchester and that is when outside companies are making the programmes for them. The outside companies who...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, no, there was no hesitation.

LP: No.

DN: Repetition of outside.

NP: He repeated outside.

LP: Yes.

CF: Yes that too, but he also, he also hesitated.

NP: He didn't hesitate Clement, and I have to take the first thing you say. Especially when he's a guest. So Lance you continue on BBC with 35 seconds left starting now.

LP: At seven o'clock every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, a round of hands is heard in Shepherd's Market or in Shepherd's Bush to be exact...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: He's had Shepherd's Bush before.

NP: Yes, there were three Shepherds. You had Shepherd's Bush before and then you went Shepherd's Market.

LP: Lost Bo-Peep really.

NP: Yes, 25 seconds for you Clement on BBC starting now.

CF: Actually Nicholas Parsons doesn't get a lot of money from the BBC. And I think quite rightly, because of the extraordinary dreary boring job he does being chairman of Just A Minute. I have for 21 years sat here and listened to the chairman...


NP: And for the same number of years I've sat here and listened to your insults! But still I'm generous towards them. And Clement Freud kept going till the whistle went, he got that extra point and he's now taken the lead ahead of Lance Percival, followed by Derek Nimmo and then Kenneth Williams. Derek will you take the next round, the subject, Ascot. There are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

DN: Well of course if you're going to go to Royal Ascot, that means to go, you’re going in the third week of June...


NP: Lance Percival challenged.

LP: He didn't quite get to the third week of June.

NP: No he was, he was thinking about it and he really got in quite a muddle. Lance you have 55 seconds on Ascot starting now.

LP: I've often seen Derek Nimmo at Ascot, in the padded restaurant where he often... oh where he often...


NP: Derek Nimmo got it back again, Derek you have 50 seconds on Ascot starting now.

DN: One would write to the Ascot Offices at St James Palace. And you would say 'I present my compliments to Her Majesty's representative and could I apply please for vouchers for the royal meeting, taking with me my wife Patricia Sybil Anne, my daughter Amanda, and also my sons Piers and Timothy. And then you would get a little leather bag with a stamp on it with its little red dump on the middle...


NP: Lance Percival challenged.

LP: A little leather bag and a little something else. There was a little.

NP: There was two littles, weren't there, yes yes.

DN: Oh yes.

NP: Twenty seconds, 21 seconds actually for you Lance on Ascot starting now.

LP: The great advantage of Ascot is that people have their names on their coats so that you can see who you're speaking to when you've completely forgotten who they are. Everyone goes around with a small lapel with Mister Something or Mrs Something written upon it. And that's a great...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Not everyone, some of them might say the Marquis of Anglesey.

LP: Oh yes, you meet different people to me obviously.

NP: So that's a correct deviation of course, some people don't have Mister written on it, but he did say Somebody twice, but you didn't get him for that, you got him for the deviation which was very clever Derek. There are eight seconds left on...

DN: And you probably go in a mourning suit. And if you wear a black hat, you call it a silk one. And if you wear a grey one, it's called a white... what...


DN: Oh dear!

NP: So they're all getting a lot of points and keeping neck and neck. Derek Nimmo, Lance Percival and Clement Freud, they're almost equal in first place. Clement your turn to begin, the subject is law. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CF: The law is something which you have to do, else you go to prison ultimately. For instance we have one law which prohibits drunken drivers from driving their vehicles on the public highway. And therefore anyone who is an inebriated manipulator of steering wheels, cannot be in charge of a four wheel vehicle if the excess of alcohol in his bloodstream is more than a certain percentage, the specific figures currently escape me. Else they go to prison or jail or...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I know, the audience were like that, sort of wondering whether he was going to get it out. And he failed, he hesitated. Eleven seconds are left on law with you Derek starting now.

DN: I remember when I joined one of those organisations created by Lord Baden Powell, I promised to do my best to keep the law of the wolf cub pack...


NP: So Derek Nimmo getting more points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went has taken the lead again. Lance Percival, your turn to begin, the subject, music. Will you talk about music in Just A Minute starting now.

LP: Music is one of the great art forms which I have never been accused of,twanging on my guitar in days of yore. However I am an admirer of music ranging from classical, pop, jazz to even folk. Amongst the classicals I like Beethoven, Bach, Heyden, Mozart, Chopin, Berlioz. And amongst the pop I really prefer Paul McCartney to anybody...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well he said amongst twice.

NP: He said pop twice yes yes, right so...

DN: Amongst he said twice.

CF: Amongst.

DN: Amongst.

KW: Yes I said amongst.

NP: i know! Really you are impossible Derek, I added he also said pop twice. Occasionally I get letters saying did you know somebody repeated themselves. It's nothing to do with me, I'm not supposed to tell them. But I just let those people know to stop them writing...

CF: What do you do when you get letters?

NP: I reply to them. I didn't want to have to reply to that one.

DN: Do you, do you buy your own stamps or does the BBC buy them for you?

NP: Well on what the BBC pay me, I actually send them in and ask them if they'd stamp them for me.

DN: I hope you don't get many letters.

NP: Kenneth you were correct on the repetition and you have 40 seconds on music starting now.

KW: Well it can be anywhere. They say the hills are alive with the sound of music. And Shakespeare said if music be the food of love, play on, give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, the appetite may sicken and so die. How beautifully he expressed it. And when I listen to Foray, you know, especially the requiem, I love that sort of music about the dead. I think to myself oh how uplifting. To rise to the gates of heaven in such a formless din must be a wonderful way to go...


NP: Yes and they really appreciated that particular turn of yours Kenneth. And you were going until the whistle went, you gained that extra point and you're still in fourth place. Kenneth it's your turn to begin, the subject is jumbo. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

KW: I shall and I'll do it with great pleasure because I don't like them. I went into a jumbo all the way to Australia. It takes eight days in all. And of course the constipation is chronic! And I arrived in Sydney feeling like this great bloated whale. And I said to the chemist can you give me something to loosen everything up? Because it felt utterly tight as if a bandage was around the abdomen...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: He's been deviating from a jumbo for a very long time.

NP: I know, it's quite...

CF: Unless it's the jumbo he's talking about!

NP: Yes! Clement let it go until he could resist it no longer, challenged and there are 26 seconds for you on jumbo Clement starting now.

CF: On the other hand, which is a very good way of starting a sentence...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, he hasn't mentioned jumbos.

KW: Hear hear! That's quite right! It's nothing to do, nothing to do with it! Quite right! It was a very bad interruption from Freud anyway.

NP: Derek he really hadn't had a chance to get going, he only got one sentence out.

KW: He doesn't need a chance to get going, he's an old hand!

NP: He may be an old hand. I think he was probably going to establish that it was something to do with jumbos within the next sentence. Anyway we will soon find out because I disagree with the challenge. Clement you have 22 seconds on jumbo starting now.

CF: Jumbo is a name given to elephants who never forget. And I would like to tell you a story about a jumbo who was not at all into the forgetting game. He worked in the circus, and one day he was going round the perimeter of the aforesaid cir... er...


NP: Kenneth you challenged first.

KW: Well he seemed to be having trouble with his diction. Hesitation I would say.

NP: Trying to find another word for circus, yes. So he had trouble with his diction, which is hesitation and Kenneth you got the subject of jumbo back with six seconds to go starting now.

KW: On this jumbo to Australia I...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: We've had Australia.

NP: You mentioned Australia before, you can't...

KW: Well it's a very interesting subject! Because I had three Napoleon brandies and dropped off, and when I woke, my neck was so ricked I demanded the services of an osteopath. And they said we don't carry on on board. And I realised, well, it was Qantas, I should have gone British Airways you see. Because Australians don't cater for a cricked neck. You see they don't worry about it at all.

NP: Pity you didn't say that in Just A Minute because you'd have probably got another point for all that.

KW: Yes you see, I should have been allowed to continue but with this great idiot here, ruining one's intellectual flow.

NP: Your intellect. Kenneth you did repeat Australia. All you needed to say was just jumbo. Clement got in and there are only two seconds for him on jumbo starting now.

CF: A Boeing 747 is known...


NP: So Clement Freud was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and he's now in the lead, one point ahead of Derek Nimmo. Derek Nimmo takes the next round, the subject Derek is uncles. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Uncle Tom Cobley was one of the ones who went to Widdecombe Fair on Thomas Pierce's mare. I also have an uncle that lives in that part of the world, in Totness in Devon. His name is Ronald Kershaw Sudbury Hardy and I hold him very fondly. He is married to a nice woman called Marjory and actually he is in fact the sister, brother I mean...


DN: Some sort of relationship anyway!

NP: Yes.


NP: Clement Freud got in first, though Kenneth's laughing...

KW: That was very good!

NP: Yes!

KW: Very good! He couldn't have been his sister! (continues laughing) That reminds me of that, you know.
There lies poor Fred
Who was alive and he's dead
Had he been his brother
Better than the other
And if he had been his sister
No-one would have missed her
But as he's only Fred
Who was alive and he's dead
there's no more to be said.
It reminded me of that.

NP: You didn't by any chance have three Napoleon brandies before you started the show did you Kenneth? Actually Clement Freud was the one to challenge and what was the challenge, just...

CF: The sexual deviation of Derek's uncle!

NP: Yes! So Clement you have the subject, you have 38 seconds on uncles starting now.

CF: Uncles tend to be brothers of one's father or mother. And if you go to Royal Ascot it is quite essential if you want to take them along with you, to send a letter to Her Majesty's representative and say here is Arthur William George...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well deviation, he packed up, and also you can't actually apply for your uncles and aunts to go to Royal Ascot.

CF: You could apply, you won't get it.

NP: He actually, he actually wasn't deviating Derek.

DN: No he was hesitating.

NP: Ah but you said deviation.

DN: I said hesitation first of all but you don't listen.

NP: You did not say hesitation.

KW: He did! He did! he did!

DN: Did I say hesitation first of all?


KW: Yes! That's the trouble, you weren't listening, you see.

NP: I was listening, but he will mutter! Twenty seconds with you Derek on uncles starting now.

DN: Uncle Harry's not a missionary now, wrote Sir Noel Coward in one of his most famous songs. Which he based upon a relative of his own who went to Tonga as a young man and tried to bring the natives there into the Christian faith. Unfortunately he fell foul of Mrs Wentworth Brewster...


NP: Derek kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point. He's still one point behind our leader Clement Freud. Lance Percival and Kenneth Williams follow. And Clement begins the next round and the subject Clement is confetti. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Confetti are small pieces of coloured paper usually torn from a large sheet of red or white, blue, green, orange, purple, heliotrope, mauve, or other kind of cardboard which has been rolled out to a thinner um thickness than it previously was...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well it was er.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation Kenneth, you're correct. So you have 43 seconds on confetti starting now.

KW: It is thrown over you when you emerge from the church and you get all these lovely gifts at your nuptial celebrations. I got a nice two piece dinner service and all I've got left is the gravy boat. But I do not grumble, because every time those wedding bells ring and the confetti is strewn...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No I don't agree with that hesitation. I think his strewn was just a sort of um a theatrical and dramatic gesture...

KW: Yes.

NP: And strewn!

KW: Yes.

NP: So I'm going to be generous with you on this occasion Kenneth, leave it with you and say you have 24 seconds on confetti starting now.

KW: And when enough of the yellow pieces land on you, you look as though you've got jaundice. Which is most appalling because you see when you come out in all those kinds of spots, it can look very deceptive. And one thinks oh, is he ill or has he got confetti stuck on him? You see, I...


NP: Lance Percival challenged.

LP: You see, he said you see a couple of times.

NP: He did say you see a couple of times. But actually as it's the last round, and you can't possibly win Lance, and there's only four seconds to go, and he has confetti and he can't possibly win, shall we let Kenneth Williams finish on confetti and this show. Four seconds Kenneth, confetti starting now.

KW: And let it be thrown in a great blaze of glory upon the bride...


NP: So Kenneth with a great blaze with confetti at the end, gained that extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And now I have to give you the final score. Derek Nimmo finished in second place, behind the man who got most points this week, it was Clement Freud! All that remains for me to say on behalf of the four and Ian Messiter who thought of and created the game, also our producer Edward Taylor, and myself, Nicholas Parsons, we do hope that you have enjoyed Just A Minute and will want to tune in again when we take to the air. Till then from all of us here good-bye!