JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 6 January 1975)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And we're pleased to welcome back Sheila Hancock who did so well last time she was here. Once again I m going to ask them to speak for Just A Minute if they can on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And let us begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter can you talk on the subject of a chairman's job.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Oh! (laughs)

NP: Now tell us a few inside things as you keep going for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: Well I do realise more than ever that it is an extremely difficult job.

NP: Hear hear!

PJ: Of course one has sometimes better people on the panel than others. Occasionally they tend to talk all at the same time, and laugh, and make excuses for not being able to think of anything to say. On the other hand, it does er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree Derek, you have a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject of a chairman's job, there are 37 seconds starting now.

DN: Yes once goes back to the fair city of bath in the 18th century, Bo Nash and Brummel, and all those wonderful people. And sees the chairman lifting up the sedan chairs, one at the front carrying two poles and the other at the back. With the samboys in front, striding along to the pump room or the assembly ditto, and there perhaps taking orders and putting down these lovely C-H-A-I-R-Ses. Sometimes in programmes like this one has what one calls today a chairman loosely. In fact we have on this particular one a great benign oaf who sits up there...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking then gets the extra point. And Derek Nimmo's oaf gets the... him a bonus point and he's taken the lead. In fact he's the only one who has scored in that round. Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, oh a very good one for this week, playing Just A Minute without Clement Freud. Can you talk on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well he closely resembles, as I've never stopped telling him, Edward The Seventh. And the difficulty of playing without Clement Freud is that I cannot sit next to the aforementioned Monarch. Now doing so fills me with the splendour of a past era, the Edwardian. And to a certain extent, Mister Freud is reminiscent of such a period in our life. It was a time we could all enjoy good food and lovely clothes, people dressed up much more than they do now, and of course servants were plentiful, and you could...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: He said people as if everybody lived like that. Well they didn't. A lot of people didn't have any food at all in that period.

KW: Yes but to go into all that is to go into a social commentary.

SH: Well you're going into it!

KW: We haven't got time for all that, I'm just making one or two passing remarks.

NP: Actually I'm surprised, as I disagree with Sheila's challenge so you get a point for an incorrect challenge and you keep the subject...

KW: Thank you! A very good chairman! Quite right! Very good! Hear hear!

NP: But before someone challenges you for it, let me remind you the subject is playing Just A Minute without Clement Freud, and not the Edwardian era.

KW: Yes yes that's right darling, yes I'm with you darling, don't worry!

NP: All right lovey! Keep going if you can for another 18 seconds starting now.

KW: Clement Freud always exudes so to speak an atmosphere of well-being. On the other hand...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well he doesn't exude a sense of well-being! I've never seen such a great big gloomy slug in all my life!Well-being? Miserable! Great bloodhound features siting there week after week! Eurgh!

NP: I'm not, I'm not going to judge on the personality of one of our absent friends...

DN: Put it to the audience!

NP: I'm going to put it to the audience! Because after all some of them might agree with Kenneth that er, that Clement Freud's quiet and somewhat lugubrious personality does exude a feeling of well-being. If you agree with what Kenneth just said about Clement Freud's well-being, then you cheer for Kenneth. But if you agree with Derek Nimmo, you boo for him and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek I think they're with you. And against Freud and against Kenneth. So Derek you have a point and a correct challenge, 10 seconds, playing Just A Minute without Clement Freud starting now.

DN: Playing Just A Minute without Clement Freud is absolutely delightful! A great dark shadow has gone out of my life! No longer do I have to put up with that miserable beard and those heinous eyes...

WHISTLE

NP: And Derek kept going again then with more ruderies, this time about Clement Freud. Last time it was about me. Derek it's with you to start.

DN: Oh.

NP: So would you take the subject now of rubies and talk on it for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

DN: I've known many rubies in my time but I think first of all of Ruby Miller. Former gaiety girl, this great Edwardian beauty. I had a letter from an old air force officer, a gallant gentleman, who had visited her when she was playing A Little Bit Of Fluff at the Criterion Theatre in 1915. He was going to France...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: A Little Bit Of Fluff was at the Ambassador's Theatre!

NP: How do you know?

PJ: Well I have a sort of encyclopaedic mind regarding some of these shows! And ah..

NP: You see how you can hoodwink, you say something with enough confidence....

PJ: I have a photographic memory, and of course there's no question about it!

NP: Peter...

PJ: Yes?

NP: We'll give you a point for a very good try because it was a wonderful bit of bluff, and Derek you still have rubies with 37 seconds starting now.

DN: And Ruby gave him a pair of her silk stockings which he tied to the space of his aeroplane, and flew it all over the ah enemy country for the rest of the war...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation there I'm afraid.

NP: Yes Kenneth, you have a point for a correct challenge, you have 28 seconds on rubies starting now.

KW: They are very precious gems and adorned the neck of many a beautiful woman. And the other thing that can be said about the aforesaid jewel, rubies, is that they also take part in the mechanism of watches. Now then I've seen those clocks you see, with these rubies in them and it's really remarkable how they...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I can only assume that Kenneth kept going till the whistle went because I couldn't hear a word he was saying! Kenneth you got a point for speaking or mouthing when the whistle went, and you are now in second place, only one point behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Sheila will you begin the next round please, the subject is hanging out the washing. Can you talk about that simple subject for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Strangely enough this is something that I do with enormous pleasure now that I live in the country. Because I have an excuse to stand outside and still be working. I lift up my basket fill of lovely clean linen and out I go into the garden, this beautiful fresh tangy whiffy air hits me in the face. I get out the clothes pegs that I have bought from the local gypsy, and I lift up my husband's shirt and Ellie Jane's dresses which now instead of being smutty and polluted are pristine and lovely. And I put them...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of lovely.

SH: Oh.

NP: Yes some of your washing was lovely, much earlier on.

SH: It was a nice picture though that I was painting.

NP: It was beautiful in every way.

SH: Did you enjoy that?

NP: We all want to hang out our washing now.

SH: Yeah!

PJ: The whiffy air appealed to me. I liked that.

NP: Hanging out the washing Derek, 16 seconds starting now.

DN: That phrase for me will always remind me of Britain's finest hour, the dark days of the early part of the war. We hung out the washing on the Siegfried line if the ditto thingamabob is still there...

BUZZ

NP: And what was your challenge Peter?

PJ: I anticipated repetition!

NP: I think you were going to say repetition of ditto.

PJ: Well he said...

NP: Yes all right, no he got out of it, you anticipated. Bad luck Peter, a point to Derek, four seconds left, hanging out the washing Derek starting now.

DN: Out I go, my clothes pegs in my hand, my little...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah Derek increased his lead at the end of that round, and Peter Jones begins the next round. And the subject Peter is round robins. Can you talk on them for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Round robins appear at Christmas time... (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation, he was laughing while he was speaking.

PJ: No I wasn't laughing.

NP: You can laugh while you speak...

KW: I'm not having that! If people are going to laugh and speak at the same time, we're all going to be in cloud cuckoo land! (makes unintelligible noise) You could do anything like that.

NP: As long as you keep going, you can play this game in cloud cuckoo land, and half the time we are, I think! But the audience seem to enjoy it and 55 seconds to continue on round robins starting now.

PJ: And on cards with messages that people send to each other. They have red breasts during the winter months, but in the summer the colour changes...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, the cards that people send to each other in the winter months have red breasts? What's he on about?

PJ: I'm saying the round robins appear on them!

NP: The robins have the red breasts, I think he established that quite clearly to my mind.

PJ: Well if it was clear to you Nicholas, I would think everyone understands it!

NP: You could have had him on the fact that their breasts don't change colour in the seasons.

SH: Well I was...

PJ: They do change colour!

NP: They don't!

SH: They don't!

PJ: They do, they're practically indistinguishable from sparrows in the summer.

NP: Round robins is still with you and there are 47 seconds left starting now.

PJ: They're also these messages that people send...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock?

SH: We've had messages.

NP: No, we haven't.

SH: The lady in the audience just said so!

NP: She's not, she's not playing Just A Minute!

SH: She did!

NP: It'd be a fine thing if all the audience started challenging as well!

SH: Truly Nick, he said...

PJ: Yes I did say it, I must admit, I admit I did say messages earlier.

NP: Well all right. There are 45 seconds for you Sheila on round robins starting now.

SH: I have two round robins that visit me on my clothes line. And very attractive they are which is another reason why I like hanging out the washing. Because I say "hello round robins and how are you today? Is your breast faded?..."

BUZZ

NP: Oh Sheila deserves a bonus for that wonderful line! We've got to give her one for that but Kenneth challenged before that.

KW: Deviation of course, the subject is round robins, not hanging out the washing, we've already had that.

NP: Kenneth she did repeat the word washing so you have a point and 33 seconds...

SH: He didn't challenge me on that!

KW: Yes I did! Repetition, I said repetition, that was my challenge.

SH: Oh you didn't!

KW: Now look here Sheila. We cannot have people arguing with the chairman!

PJ: Hark at him!

NP: Kenneth, you have round robins starting now.

KW: Round robins are so called because no human being has yet lived to see a square one!

BUZZ

KW: Oh I had to pause there! I hadn't really stopped talking but I had to pause because the audience laughter there interrupted my natural flow, my natural flow was there.

BUZZ

NP: Yeah all right, Derek's challenged as well.

DN: Repetition of natural flow.

NP: Kenneth you have 19 seconds to continue on round robins starting now.

KW: Well I don't really want to continue on this terribly but on the other hand I....

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: All right if he doesn't want to, let me have it!

NP: All right Sheila, seven seconds on round robins starting now.

SH: Robin Ray however is decidedly not round...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Robin Ray is not round, she says herself so it's not talking about round robins.

NP: It's devious. Perfectly well done.

KW: Oh that's a good one! Yes a very good one! Yes good one! You're very, you're on the ball!

NP: And you have one and a half seconds on round robins starting now.

PJ: Very nasty little birds they are!

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject that Ian Messiter's thought of for you, Capability Brown. Knowing your interest in historical personalities, would you talk about him for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well his real name was Lancelot and he laid out these gardens at Blenheim Palace. Well this fellow was a duke and he said I'd like to brighten it up a bit you know, a few trees and lakes, the odd ornamental bush, he said, you know to have that. And he said all right and I'll do it naturally, nothing artificial so to speak should intrude. And thus he was known for the naturalistic landscape garden as opposed to the formal or artificial one in the period which we were discussing dealing with of course Louis er of...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, deviation.

KW: I did say his real name was Lancelot.

NP: Yes I know. I can't give you a bonus point for that, sorry, and nor were his descendants. Derek you have the subject and a point and 17 seconds on Capability Brown starting now.

NP: Derek you have the subject and a point and 17 seconds on Capability Brown starting now.

DN: He was very lucky, I think, to find himself, during his formative years, working at the great Garden in Stowe under William Kent, perhaps underrated as a landscape gardener. And there he found for himself the first time he was able to make a heart ditto, if you see what I mean because you can't repeat the same word...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I don't think he should be allowed to say ditto!

KW: Quite right! Very good point! Hear hear! Quite agree!

NP: You once again got in with one and a half seconds to go starting now.

PJ: His brother was Inability Brown who...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh I'm glad...

PJ: He cultivated window boxes!

NP: I'm glad you got in Peter, if only to hear that last remark of yours. It's taken you into second place now, only one point behind our leader, Derek Nimmo. And Derek your turn to begin, oh it's a lovely subject that Ian has thought of, sheilas.

SH: Oh!

NP: I believe we have one or two Australians in the audience haven't we? (in Australian accent) Oh I'm so glad, right here we go then. The subject's sheilas, there's 60 seconds you can talk on it now Derek starting now.

DN: Apart from my splendid neighbour sitting next to me, Sheila does conjure up for me the sight of those wonderful beaches in the Antipodes. Those great bronzed sheilas with their round robins throbbing on Bondi. Oh...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I was challenging on account of something that I've now forgotten! What was my challenge?

NP: It was those lovely round robins that...

KW: Oh yes that's right, deviation, they're nothing to do with sheilas.

NP: I think Derek made a very good point for saying they're very much an integral part of these lovely sheilas that he sees out in the Antipodes.

SH: Oh!

NP: Forty-five seconds on sheilas Derek starting now.

DN: Drinking their tubes of beer and they're eating their pavlova cake...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: You don't drink tubes of beer.

DN: Yes you do in Australia.

PJ: Cans of beer.

DN: Yes you do.

NP: You drink the beer but not a tube.

DN: You drink a glass of beer, you don't drink the glass do you, you great clot! I told you he was a great clot!

NP: I will put it to the superior judgement and wisdom of our audience because I'm obviously quite incapable...

PJ: No I will retract, I take it back. I wish I'd never mentioned the word!

NP: Forty seconds for you Derek on sheilas starting now.

DN: And then of course there is Sheila Hancock, who it has been my privilege to know for these many years. And what a beautiful woman she has become. Mind you she was a lovely girl, a lovely Sheila I can tell you...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of lovely.

DN: Too lovely, she can't be too lovely, how dare you!

NP: Ah Peter correct challenge that time, 30 seconds for you on sheilas starting now.

PJ: Well I don't think this word is always very pleasant in Australia. I don't believe that the people there...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, this word which I assume to present as someone's Christian name is now bring used...

PJ: He's incoherent!

KW: ... in very many senses and I would like to be enlightened. What does it mean?

NP: In Australia, a girl is often referred to as a sheila.

KW: What kind of girl?

NP: I think Peter Jones was about to tell us.

KW: Oh I'm sorry! Do go on! Do go on love! I'm ever so sorry love!

NP: There are 23 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Well I haven't had a great deal of personal experience of this you understand. But I do believe that it was rather old-fashioned and the unsavoury people who did refer to girls in this particular way were usually indicating that they were...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Repetition of girls.

KW: Well we needed the explanation dear! How can we find out?

NP: A correct challenge to you Sheila because you can't repeat the words and there are five seconds for you on sheilas starting now.

SH: I happen to know many girls with the Christian name of Sheila. I think it must have been a very...

WHISTLE

NP: Sheila Hancock got the bonus point for speaking when the whistle went. At the end of that round she's equal with Kenneth in second place behind our two equal leaders Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones. And Sheila your turn to begin, the subject, what is expected. That's a, someone in the audience laughed then because Sheila is actually expecting a baby. So she has Just A Minute to talk about it starting now.

SH: What I expect is either a little boy or a girl, hopefully because otherwise I would be pretty surprised. And it is a lovely time to be living when you are waiting for this great lump to disappear in front of you. And it means that after that I won't have ribald comments from the rest of the panel which I have had quite a few of today. Not necessarily during the programme but before. However everyone expects something of life and I think you should go through wanting the best. Often we expect the worst which is stupid, because then it very often happens. I get up every morning and I try to say to myself today is going to be the best day of my...

BUZZ

NP: Oh bad luck! Kenneth?

KW: Well there was two days!

NP: I know! Yes!

SH: Today, I said.

KW: Today is going to be the best day. Oh I see what you mean, today is different to day. Oh I'm so terribly sorry! Oh you're absolutely right! Oh I withdraw the challenge, I withdraw it!

NP: You have a point Sheila for an incorrect challenge...

SH: How much longer have I got to go on this?

NP: You've only got another seven seconds, you've been going very very well on what is expected starting now.

SH: I will try to make...

BUZZ

DN: Repetition of try.

NP: Yes she tried too hard, bad luck.

DN: Yeah.

NP: Often happens when their flow get interrupted and they can't get going again. Five seconds for you Derek on what is expected starting now.

DN: What is expected on this programme is that Browns should be capable, robins should be round, the washing should be hung out...

WHISTLE

NP: Those last three points that Derek gained, he has put himself back in the lead again at the end of the round. Peter's only three points behind him and Sheila not far behind that. And Peter your turn to begin, the subject is moon dust. Can you talk on moon dust for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: What's happened to it? We haven't heard anything in the newspapers, on the radio or television about this substance which caused so much trouble and expense with the time they took getting it and bringing it back in the capsule. And then it was advertised as being sent to various universities all over the world, studied in laboratories by scientists. And I hope that there would be some advantage to the human race in all this fuss and kerfuffle that went on. But as far as I am concerned, nothing has happened! The quality of the bread has steadily got worse. It still takes ages to get from Oxfordshire to Piccadilly. And why don't they do something about it?

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I don't think it was ever expected that moon dust would improve the Underground!

NP: I think he made his point that such a wonderful discovery could really change our lives and it's had little effect on Peter Jones's. So Peter you keep going with 13, sorry, 14 seconds on moon dust starting now.

PJ: I'd like them to start analysing it and really finding out...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, he's told us they've gone to a hundred universities and laboratories so they obviously are analysing it.

NP: Well done Kenneth, that was a correct challenge and Kenneth has nine seconds on moon dust starting now.

KW: This is sprinkled in order to kill the wild elephants. Now the only way you can do it...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well it isn't, it's absolute rubbish! Of course it isn't!

NP: No you don't sprinkle it to kill the wild elephants.

PJ: You're not allowed to kill wild elephants anyway!

NP: Peter you have another point and you have four and a half seconds to continue on moon dust starting now.

PJ: If they really worked at it, these people...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of worked.

NP: He did say worked before so you have a point and you have one and a half seconds on moon dust starting now.

DN: Well I would put the moon dust in a little dustbin and sweep it under the...

WHISTLE

NP: Well we have alas no more time as I warned you just a moment ago. And just to give you the final score. Kenneth Williams and Sheila Hancock finished equal in third place. They were a few points behind Peter Jones, who was as you must have realised two points behind this week's winner, once again Derek Nimmo! Well we hope you've enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, from all of us good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.