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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring CLEMENT FREUD, TONY HAWKS, SHEILA HANCOCK and VICTOR SPINETTI, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 15 August 2005)
NOTE: Victor Spinetti's last appearance. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute! THEME MUSIC NP: Oh thank you, thank you, oh, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners, in this country and of course throughout the world. But also to welcome to the show four highly talented and attractive personalities who are going to show their humorous skills, their knowledge of the English language, their verbal dexterity and ingenuity, as they try and speak on the subject that I give them and they do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And those four people are, seated on my right, Victor Spinetti and Clement Freud. And seated on my left, Tony Hawks and Sheila Hancock. Please welcome all four of them! And seated beside me is Janet Staplehurst, who is going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Theatre Clywd which is in Mold, in north Wales, and we have a lovely huge vast audience in this magnificent theatre eager for us to get moving in the show. So let us begin with Clement Freud. And Clement the subject is my favourite Welsh celebrity. They're full of anticipation. So talk on that subject Clement, 60 seconds you have available starting now. CLEMENT FREUD: My favourite Welsh celebrity was Tommy Farr who lived in Primrose Street in Tonypandy, which is in south Wales, not far from Methadydfill. He was the... boxing champion... BUZZ NP: Tony challenged. TONY HAWKS: Actually I thought he was going to hesitate but I think he just got the word out in time. NP: No I think he definitely hesitated. TH: Oh he did hesitate? Okay I'll go with, I'll go with hesitation then. NP: In fact he was going so slowly, he almost ran out of steam! Ah but anyway, I think we should establish later who Tommy Farr was, if they don't already know. VICTOR SPINETTI: A boxer! NP: I know, we know that darling, but I didn't want to inhibit Clement in case he gets the subject back again. CF: No chance of that. NP: So Tony, you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that, you take over the subject, you have 47 seconds available and the subject is my favourite Welsh celebrity starting... TH: I be... NP: Yeah starting now. TH: I believe it was a Welsh celebrity who came up with the idea of throwing your underpants into the audience, which is something I will be doing shortly! In honour of Tom Jones. It's something that I get asked... BUZZ NP: Clement challenged. CF: He's repeated something. NP: Yes you did say something before. TH: Yes absolutely yes. NP: So Clement you did get the subject back and if you want to elucidate, now is your opportunity. You have 34 seconds, you have my favourite Welsh celebrity starting now. CF: Owen Glendywr. BUZZ NP: Wait a minute, who... TH: Who, who is Owen Glendywr? NP: Well let's give it to the Welshman, because I think your buzz came in first there Victor. So you have ah, you have 30 seconds on my favourite Welsh celebrity starting now. VS: My favourite Welsh celebrity without any doubt is Richard Burton. Because he was the most generous man you could possibly meet. Always, wherever you were, and he saw you, he would say "you all right for money now, boy?" He also, if you did an impersonation of him, you had to speak on the left-hand side there like this, because you see, I said to him once "why that side?" He said "well, I keep the other side for drinking!" Richard was first... WHISTLE NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Victor Spinetti and so at the end of that round Victor, you have two points, in fact Victor you are in the lead ahead of all the others. Sheila will you take the next round and the subject is saving energy. Sixty seconds as usual starting now. SHEILA HANCOCK: One way of saving energy will be not to play this game. Because it demands so much sweat and toil and brain power, not to fall into traps of repetition, deviation, and the other thing which I've forgotten. However there are other ways... BUZZ TH: Hesitation! SH: Ah. NP: No! TH: No, I'm just telling you what it is you've forgotten! SH: Very good! NP: Very good. Tony, what we do there, she wasn't deviating, hesitating or repeating anything. So we give you a bonus point because we enjoyed the interruption, but Sheila gets a point because she was interrupted and she still has saving energy and 45 seconds to keep going starting now. SH: Quite seriously, we do have to save energy because the power and everything is going to run out, including the oil and gas. Because there is a shortage... BUZZ VS: Two becauses. SH: Oh go on yes. NP: Yes well listened Victor. Because you said before and so Victor, you got the subject, you're well on the ball now. And you have saving energy, 34 seconds starting now. VS: I think it's saving energy, is exactly what Sheila Hancock said about this game. It really is a nightmare and you are on... ahhhhh! BUZZ NP: Tony challenged you. VS: On what? NP: Tony challenged. TH: Repetition of ah! VS: I didn't know, I didn't know what I was on, but I was on something, I tell you! NP: Well yes though you hesitated, you did repeat ah! So Tony you've got him on two counts, you have the subject, you have 23 seconds, saving energy starting now. TH: When I was at school, a lot of the other kids saved things like football cards or tamps. And I was saving electricity, keeping it under the stairs in a little box, so that if anybody came round, I could show them it. And it was quite a shock that they got, I tell you, when they saw it. I had a little bucket of gas... BUZZ NP: Ah Clement challenged. CF: Two littles. NP: Two littles. TH: Yes. NP: Little box yes. I know, you wanted him to go on, didn't you, but that's the, that's the frustration of this game but part of the fun. So Clement you got in with five seconds to go on saving energy starting now. CF: Saving energy is exactly what everybody here ought to do, all the time. Save... WHISTLE NP: So at the end of that round Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went. And again, very interesting situation, Clement Freud, Victor Spinetti, Tony Hawks, all have three points. They are equal in the lead, just ahead of Sheila Hancock. Victor... VS: Won't last long! Yes? NP: You never know, this is a good subject for you so you'll go on this one. Hip. Can you talk about hip in... you look as if you couldn't, but do your best, 60 seconds starting now. VS: Hip, well, we all have two, one on the left, another on the right. But I prefer hip to mean... ahhhhhhhhh! BUZZ NP: Sheila challenged. SH: I'm trying to save him from a nervous breakdown! VS: Too late! Too late! NP: I think you are the best advertisement for having this show on television! Because your facial reactions are what engage this audience. VS: I thought of a good story too, never mind. SH: No, tell us after. NP: Tell us afterwards. Sheila you've got in, no let's hear your challenge, what was it? SH: Um repetition of ah. NP: Ah and hesitation right. VS: Ahhhhhh! NP: Fifty seconds, tell us something about hip Sheila, starting now. SH: Hip was very current in the 60s. It meant you were with it, trendy, on the ball. Nowadays it was a bit passe. You were more inclined to say yeah, right on, or, that's a bit antiquated as well. My hip is a bit of a problem. I have to do yoga and pilates in order to keep it bending in the right direction. In fact this very morning I was on the floor, moving my knees... BUZZ NP: Clement challenged. CF: I was saving her! NP: I must say the visual image was quite intriguing! Clement, have you got a challenge within the rules of Just A Minute? CF: Hips don't bend! NP: Oh! It's true though, isn't it. CF: Mmmm. NP: So all right, I have to give you the benefit of the doubt... SH: Mine does! VS: I do pilates. NP: That was very very interesting, thank you for that Victor. Victor wants you all to know that he does pilates too. Right Clement you have a correct challenge, 21 seconds, hip starting now. CF: If you enjoy something a lot, you say hip hip hip hurray! BUZZ NP: Sheila challenged. SH: Oh I suppose it's on the bloomin' card, is it? NP: That's the subject, you can repeat the subject. SH: Hip hip hip, yeah. NP: Within reason but he didn't go too far. TH: He knew exactly what he was doing! SH: He did! He did! He did! I'd forgotten... TH: The cunning old fox! SH: I know! I'd forgotten all of his tricks! NP: It's not for nothing that he's played this game for nearly 39 years! SH: I know! I know! NP: So Clement you have an incorrect challenge, you have another point, you have 17 seconds on hip starting now. CF: It's still hip, not hip replacement. One would have thought after 37 seconds, one would have got a slightly... BUZZ NP: Ah... VS: Repetition, one. NP: Yes, you did say one before Clement. CF: I always say one. NP: And you can't say it twice or even more in Just A Minute. So well listened Victor, you have 10 seconds to go on hip. So 10 seconds isn't too long Victor. Gird yourself, take a deep breath and start now. VS: Hip means fashionable. My mother wanted us to tell ghost stories around the fire, and she said "oh look, there's a coal miner coming down the pit and he saw..." WHISTLE NP: Right so Victor Spinetti was speaking as the whistle went and has increased his position there and is still equal in the lead, but this time with Clement Freud, followed by Tony Hawks and Sheila Hancock. And Tony your turn to begin, and the subject is speakers. Tell us something about speakers in this game starting now. TH: There are many fine speakers in the world, but none as eloquent as Victor Spinetti when he is on this programme. I have revived all of my previous theories about Winston Churchill being a cracking talker. I've heard him and he's the business! Occasionally when he's about to hesitate, he will go ah, and things like that. I said it slowly so I didn't repeat the sound, and they couldn't get it in. But I am very impressed indeed and I will be booking him for a private function in about three weeks time where I wish to clear the audience... BUZZ NP: Victor you challenged. VS: It's hesitation and also I want to go ahhhhhhhh so I can audition for you! NP: I think he was also deviating, talking about booking you, right. He's not an agent, he's a performer. So you have 29 seconds... TH: I might have set up my own agency. NP: He might have done... TH: Just because I've given you no bookings. NP: Right so speakers, Victor, 29 seconds, tell us something about speakers starting now. VS: I never understood all this business about these speakers when they say there's a woof or a twifter or a faft. All these funny little words they used to have about these things that you place on either side of... BUZZ NP: Sheila has challenged. SH: These, there were an awful lot of theses. NP: Yes it was. SH: These woofs and these words and these things. NP: Yes tough challenge. But it was correct Sheila, so 17 seconds on speakers starting now. SH: I used to go to Speakers Corner a great deal in London. That's at Hyde Park and you used to hear people standing... BUZZ NP: Tony challenged. SH: Used to, yeah. TH: I think she was patronising us as well, and telling us, I think the Radio Four audience know that Hyde Park is in London! SH: I didn't say they were in London. TH: Didn't you say that's in London? NP: There's people who... SH: I didn't think the Welsh people would know where Speakers Corner was. Hands up those who've been to Speakers Corner? TH: Thank goodness we have a dishonest audience with us this evening! NP: I should explain to our listeners that every single hand in the audience went up! SH: Maybe they've got one in Mold? NP: The idea of the whole of this audience in Speakers Corner, it wouldn't hold them! SH: No! NP: So there we are, but Sheila, I must also explain, there are people probably who listen to this programme, well I know there are lots of people who listen in India and China and other places and they may not know where Speakers Corner is... TH: Yes. SH: Exactly, that's what I was thinking. TH: I know, I think you're absolutely right. SH: But I did repeat used to. TH: Yes, repetition of used to. NP: That's right. Ten seconds are available for you Tony on the subject of speakers starting now. TH: I have some speakers with my stereo system that sit either side of the fireplace. One fell in the other week and that sound quality got considerably better. I'm not quite sure how... WHISTLE NP: So Tony Hawks then speaking as the whistle went, has moved forward. He's equal with Clement Freud in second place. But still in the lead, one ahead of them is Victor Spinetti. Now Sheila your turn to begin, the subject, nerves. Something which we all know about in show business, talk on it, 60 seconds starting now. SH: Nerves are a thing that obsess people in my industry. Because all we have are a load of words inside our head, no machinery or computer to help us out. We stand in the wings and come on, exposed to all these people. We can make total berks of ourselves, so... BUZZ VS: Wes. NP: Yes. VS: We stand, we can make. NP: You had him on theys. SH: Yeah yeah fair enough. NP: So he's got you on wes. And you've got the subject of nerves now, Victor 37 seconds available starting now. VS: Nerves are the most terrifying thing you can possibly have and it's because I'm doing this show that... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Well boa constrictors would be the most horrible thing. VS: No, doing Just A Minute, I can assure you. NP: According to Victor, doing Just A Minute gives him more nerves than anything else. He might be... CF: Leave! Leave now! NP: ... able to handle a boa constrictor, for all we know. TH: Imagine doing this show with a boa constrictor! VS: As it happens... NP: Yes right, so Victor I disagree with the challenge. You still, you have another point, you still have the subject, 32 seconds, nerves, starting now. VS: I nerves, I feel that the whole point is that you go blank, you stare at the audience and you go... BUZZ NP: Ah... VS: I missed another ah! SH: Three yous! VS: Oh! SH: You got me with three wes. NP: Right. SH: You stand at the audience, you do that... VS: You're right, you're right. NP: But let's not be too pedantic. SH: He did it for me, what do you mean, oh, he got me for we. VS: Yes. NP: But don't let's do it too often, otherwise the whole show will fall apart. You have a correct challenge, nerves is with you Sheila, 25 seconds starting now. SH: My way round it is to have hypnotism which I have cured myself of fear of flying, stage fright, all manner of things. It is a very effective way of stopping panic attacks. I recommend it highly to anybody who is listening in Italy or India, anywhere abroad in the world or in Mold... WHISTLE NP: So Sheila Hancock with points in the round and one for speaking as the whistle went, has leapt forward. She's now equal in second place with Tony Hawks, but they're still both one point behind our leader who is still Victor Spinetti. And only one point behind Sheila and Tony is Clement freud so it is still very close. And Victor it's your turn to begin, the subject is the chairman's biggest problem. I'm slightly nervous of this subject. But Victor you begin, you begin, 60 seconds as usual starting now. VS: The chairman's biggest problem, in Just A Minute, is obviously me. Because all the time I'm speaking he's on tenterhooks, knowing that any minute I'm going to crash to the ground and fall to the floor. And that will be the end of me in this programme. Never again will Clement Freud or any of the others who have been very courageous... BUZZ NP: Oh! Clement yes? CF: Very very. NP: I know. Once you get into full flood, you can't... VS: Once I go, that's it, forget it! NP: I know, we can't let that one go. VS: No. NP: So Clement you've got 37 seconds after repetition of very, the chairman's biggest problem and you have 60 seconds starting now. CF: I just don't believe that 37 seconds are enough in which to discuss the chairman's biggest problem. From his feet... BUZZ NP: Tony challenged. TH: Was there a slight hesitation there? NP: No I don't think so. SH: There was! You could drive a tank through it! NP: He wasn't going slower than he usually does. And sometimes I do have to give the benefit of the doubt. It goes to Clement Freud, I don't think you were hesitating enough to be interpreted as such Clement. So you continue, 28 seconds, the chairman's biggest problem starting now. CF: The chairman's biggest problem is not knowing to whom to give the benefit of the doubt. I have seen it awarded to all sorts of players from Kenneth Williams' days on. You... BUZZ NP: Victor challenged. CF: That was hesitation. NP: That was hesitation, yes. So Victor you've got the subject back, you have 15 seconds, that's not very long. The chairman's biggest problem starting now. VS: The chairman's biggest problem was years ago in this programme with Kenneth Williams... BUZZ NP: Tony challenged. TH: I think he said programme when he first spoke about Just A Minute in his first... NP: Yes you did unfortunately. VS: Oh! TH: Yes. NP: Yes. TH: Sorry. NP: Tony you have 10 seconds, the chairman's biggest problem starting now. TH: When Chairman Mao was in charge of China many years ago, he sat on his throne. Not many people knew he had one of those. But he did, I happen to know, he used to ring me regularly... BUZZ NP: Clement challenged. CF: Repetition of know. NP: Yes, know. TH: Yes it's true, well well. NP: So Clement got another point and you have one second on the chairman's biggest problem starting now. CF: Faultlessness. WHISTLE NP: Ah so Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, as well as others in the round and it's gone a little bit different now, they're not all equal. Clement Freud is just in the lead, it's all, it's in the sequence, one ahead of Victor Spinetti, who is one ahead of Tony Hawks, who is one ahead of Sheila Hancock. So still even stevens. Tony it's your turn to begin, the subject is hot-dogs. Will you tell us something about hot-dogs in this game starting now. TH: Some years ago I was on holiday in the Sahara Desert when I saw a pack of beagles coming towards me, with several waif, little wayward dachshunds... BUZZ NP: Clement challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes I'm afraid so. You may well have hesitated. TH: I made myself laugh then! NP: You painted such an amazing picture, you even dried yourself up. TH: I did. NP: So Clement you have the subject, which is hot-dogs, 49 seconds available starting now. CF: A hot-dog is a member of the sausage family. Tends to be pink or even redder. Needs mustard desperately. Is served on a roll, very seldom with tomato ketchup which would benefit the overall taste of the hot-dog. Hot-dogs are also canines who are sitting out in the sun, and therefore need an umbrella to shield them, or perhaps a fan to wave in front of its face and back so that the overall temperature of that animal can be reduced. Hot-dogs I love at football matches, baseball games, hockey tournaments. I can think of few more delicious, delectable, and more... WHISTLE NP: Right and so Clement Freud then speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point and he got other points in the round. And that magnificent round of applause there indicates their appreciation of his wonderful tour de force. And we're moving into the final round. Sheila Hancock's just trailing a little behind, one point behind Tony Hawks, who is one point behind Victor Spinetti who has been leading all along until now. But he is a point or two behind Clement Freud who is now in the lead. But Victor we'd like you to take this final round. And the subject is chasing rainbows. Will you tell us something about chasing rainbows in this game starting now. VS: Chasing rainbows is something that I think everybody in this country is doing. You can't turn on a television programme without someone saying "phone us and win a thousand pounds". Or "we have a car" or whatever you wash... wish! Not wash... BUZZ VS: Go home! NP: You don't correct yourself in this thing, you just keep going Victor! Sheila you challenged. SH: Yeah well it's kind of hesitation and repetition. VS: Wishy-washy yes. SH: yes, just could do better, really. VS: Yes! NP: Oh that's mean, he's done so well. He was leading up until now. SH: I know, he's brilliant! He's brilliant! NP: I know! We love him! And the audience love him even more. SH: Yeah well it's all got very nationalistic hasn't it. NP: Well why not? We've brought him up here to represent the principality and he's doing it like... SH: With a name like Spinetti? It doesn't seem right! VS: My grand, my grandfather walked from Northern Italy... SH: Oh I've heard this before! VS: He only had the money from the boat to work in the pit at Astrogunlys outside Swansea. I couldn't be more Welsh than that! TH: Unless, unless, unless you'd had a Welsh dad! NP: Sheila had a correct challenge, she has 45 seconds on... SH: What's, what, what's the subject? I've forgotten! NP: I was just about to remind you, my darling. SH: Oh right okay. NP: It's chasing rainbows, chasing rainbows. TH: Right. NP: Forty-five seconds starting now. SH: (sings) I'm forever chasing rainbows, that's not the right words to the song... BUZZ NP: Victor challenged. VS: I didn't know this show was a musical! NP: It's not a musical. CF: Nor did Sheila! NP: So what is your challenge? SH: I should get, I should get a point now for him being mean. NP: What is your challenge? VS: I thought, when she was singing, she was singing hesitationly! And deviating from the tune! TH: It was very moving! I was thinking of moving to the theatre... SH: They hadn't thought of it as deviation. I think I should keep the subject. NP: He had, Victor, he had... VS: Yes. NP: And you have 37 seconds Victor on chasing rainbows starting now. VS: I don't believe... BUZZ NP: Victor you've challenged yourself. So Victor I have to ask you, what was your challenge? VS: I really have nothing to say! NP: So that was hesitation. VS: Hesitation. NP: Yes well that's a correct challenge. So you get a point for a correct challenge, but please don't make a habit of it, it would ruin the show. So you have another point, you have 36 seconds, chasing rainbows starting now. VS: Chasing... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: That was hesitation. NP: That was hesitation yes, so Clement you have 35 seconds on chasing rainbows starting now. CF: I think it's a very good idea to sing slowly. (sings) Somewhere over the rainbow... BUZZ NP: Tony challenged. TH: Yes, sing slowly! I'm not quite sure what he was doing there. I don't think, we can't call that singing, can we really? That's a sort of... NP: What is yours, deviation or what? TH: Deviation from er, from... SH: The words of the song. VS: From the tune. TH: Actually I've had enough of the singing in this game, I think it's bringing it down. NP: I know it was, deviation from the tune as well. So 29 seconds, chasing rainbows with you Tony starting now. TH: Rainbow was a children's programme at school when I was little, and that doesn't make much sense but I'll keep going. And I used to chase it in the sense that I would go to the presenter's houses and shock them when they were in their front gardens and run after them all the way up the road until... BUZZ NP: Clement challenged. CF: Repetition of them. Them them them. NP: Them them, and you have 12 seconds on chasing rainbows starting now. CF: The acronym vibgyor which stands for violet, indigo, blue, green, yellow, orange, red, are the colours of the rainbow. Try to remember that and when you next come to Wales, look into the... WHISTLE NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went and gained the extra point. And with others in the round he has moved forward. Let me give you the final situation. Sheila Hancock, who does so well when she comes on the show even though she puts herself down... SH: Don't patronise me, Nick! NP: Darling, I couldn't patronise you, you're far too talented! But you did today finish in fourth place which is most unusual. And you were just, only just, one point behind Tony Hawks, who triumphed last time we were in Wales. And he was, Tony Hawks, was two points behind Victor Spinetti, who says he can't play the game, but he came in a magnificent second place. But just out in the lead was Clement Freud so Clement you are the winner this week! So it only remains for me to say thank you to our four delightful, intrepid players of the game, Victor Spinetti, Sheila Hancock, Tony Hawks and Clement Freud. I thank Janet Staplehurst, who has sat beside me and blown her whistle with such delicacy. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. We thank our producer-director, Claire Jones. And we thank this lovely delightful, laughing audience here at Theatre Clywd in Mold, north Wales, who have cheered us on our way. From them, from me Nicholas Parsons and our panel, good-bye, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute! THEME MUSIC |
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