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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and BARRY CRYER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 October 1974)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Barry Cryer in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello, welcome to Just A Minute. And once again I'm going to ask our four clever, astute, bright, brilliant panellists if they can talk for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me if they can. We'll start the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of for you to start the show is chambers. Would you talk about chambers for 60 seconds if you can starting now. DEREK NIMMO: What a very potty question! Now there all kinds of chambers of course. One thinks normally I suppose of the bedroom. And a rhyme comes to mind that I'll slightly paraphrase. Goosey gander, Whither shall I wander, Upstairs and down again, And in my lady's chamber, There I saw an old man Who wouldn't saw his prayers, I took him by the left leg And threw him down the old thingamabob. Now the thing about that piece of poetry, it was written during Oliver Cromwell's reign. And I use the word advisedly for Mister ah Freud's benefit, ah, because... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation, he couldn't get my name out! NP: Yes there was a small but definite hesitation so Clement I would agree with the challenge. You get a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject, there are 24 seconds left and you start now. CF: Chambers is an encyclopaedia which I use very frequently. Also a pot which is occasionally kept under a bed for purposes which in the course of an all-family game, one had better not go into very carefully, at this moment. Also... BUZZ CF: I said also before. NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: I'm agreeing with his own mistake. NP: You're agreeing with it, also he did repeat. Derek a point for a correct challenge, seven seconds on chambers starting now. DN: Because the bird, you see, was how they marched the troops, the Roundheads who walked with this peculiar kind... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KENNETH WILLIAMS: I'd like to know the relevance of chambers to Roundheads. NP: I agree, he was trying to take up where he left off, but I don't think he made... DN: Of course I was! I mean that's what the whole thing, supposed to be about! NP: Yes but you didn't, you didn't make the direct connection with chambers which is the subject on the card. So I agree with Kenneth's um challenge of deviation. Kenneth you have one and a half seconds on chambers starting now. KW: Well lawyers have them, and I've frequently been... WHISTLE NP: As you probably know, the whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. KW: That means I'm in the lead, right? NP: Absolutely Kenneth! KW: Oooohh I'm in the lead! How delightful! NP: A commanding lead, you have double the points that Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo have. KW: Oooohhh! NP: Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject is the critics. We'd like you to talk on that one for 60 seconds if you can starting now. KW: Well Shaw was one of the greatest of these, no question of that. He said there's only one thing to do about ignorance, enlighten it. And certainly most of the critics today need that very badly. Brendan Behan said they're there every night, they see it done all the time, but they can't do it themselves. And I think there's a great deal of truth there. Because the scholarship and the acumen and the necessary erudition which goes into judgement and all judgement whether it be... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of judgement. NP: There was a bit too much judgement, I'm afraid. KW: Well I was just getting under way, wasn't I! NP: You were more than... KW: Look at her, she's agog with it! She was waiting to hear the next bit! NP: We all felt agog actually! KW: Yes! NP: But you had gone magnificently... KW: Ruined my flow, hasn't it! NP: Thirty-five seconds you went for, well over half a minute... KW: Mmmm! NP: ... before you did repeat yourself and Clement picked you up. And he gets a point for that, 25 seconds on the critics Clement starting now. CF: One of the most interesting things about critics is that they always sit on the front row near an aisle of gangway in order to make a fast getaway when the curtain comes down. There are of course many different kinds of critics and these are divided up by theatres into first night and those that come on a second evening or to the third performance, depending on the importance... WHISTLE NP: Clement Freud speaking then when the whistle went gained that extra point. Clement you're in the lead now, one ahead of Kenneth Williams. Barry Cryer will you begin the next round, the subject is doing the impossible. Would you talk about that for Just A Minute if you can starting now. BARRY CRYER: The expression doing the impossible calls to my mind meeting a gentleman who did in fact attempt to do everything in the most difficult way possible. When I met him on the golf course he was... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged. DN: Wrong challenge. Meeting and met, I'm sorry, I made a wrong challenge, a point to Mister Cryer. NP: You made a challenge so Barry Cryer gets a point for an incorrect challenge, he keeps the subject and he continues for another 47 seconds starting now. BC: In the clubhouse, he was carrying a billiard cue, a tennis racquet and a fly swatter. "What are you doing", I asked him. To which he replied, "I am attempting to play the game of golf in the most difficult way possible and my ultimate ambition..." BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Repetition of possible. NP: Ah what? DN: Repetition of possible. NP: Yes. BC: There was, yes. NP: No you see, you're allowed to repeat the words on the card Barry, and that is impossible. But you repeated possible. CF: And it was going to be a very old joke as well! NP: But you never know, sometimes the oldest jokes get the best reaction from the audience. CF: From Barry... NP: Derek Nimmo, a correct challenge, a point, 33 seconds, doing the impossible starting now. DN: Gosh we must all try and do the impossible, dream the impossible dream... BUZZ DN: That's what... NP: Kenneth Williams has... DN: ... think each morning when I get up! Oh what a wonderful... NP: Oy! Oy oy! DN: What's the matter? NP: before you remotely got under way, Kenneth Williams challenged you. What was your challenge Kenneth? KW: He said dream twice. NP: We had two dreams I'm afraid, the impossible dream yes. DN: Oh oh. NP: So Kenneth you have another point, you have 27 seconds starting now. KW: Doing the impossible is of course un, er, what do you call it... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: A er um what do you call it, hesitation. NP: I would call that a stumble. KW: Well you made me nervous! Deliberately look at me like that with that Basilesque stare. NP: Well his Basilesque stare got him a hesitation and a point and 23 seconds, doing the impossible Derek starting now. DN: Down to Dover I go with my swimming pants and my Union Jack and plunge into the briny, and away I go with a quick breaststroke towards Calais... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: This is not doing the impossible, he could do all these... DN: I've never got to Calais, have you? NP: I can't quite see Derek Nimmo getting beyond er... KW: Anyway I haven't had a word in edgeways! NP: You've had more words in edgeways than anybody else so far in this particular show. KW: Disgraceful! NP: Fourteen seconds Derek on doing the impossible starting now. DN: Scientists working in dark rooms in universities, unknown to the rest of the population are trying to achieve... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Ah deviation. NP: Why? CF: A university unknown to the rest of the population is... NP: I felt he established quite definitely that it was what they were doing that had never been heard of, not... CF: I'm just doubting the validity of a degree from a university that... NP: I'm now going to turn to our educated... CF: BA, University no-one's ever heard of! NP: Oh shut up Freud! I'm now going to turn to our educated omniscient audience sitting in front of us, and ask you to be the final judges and arbiters in this difficult situation for me. If you agree with Clement's challenge, would you boo for him. And if you disagree would you cheer for Derek, and would you all do it together now. CF: Boo! CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Derek you definitely established, according to the audience, that you were talking about what you were doing which was unheard of and unknown. So carry on and there are six seconds left starting now. DN: Silas Bloggs, paddling his own canoe up the Amazon in search... WHISTLE NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo not only gained the point for speaking as the whistle went, he gained a number of points in the round. So he has taken the lead at the end of the round. He now has twice as many points as Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams who are equal in second place. And Clement Freud would you please begin the next round, the subject, Monte Carlo Casino. Would you talk about that for Just A Minute if you can starting now. CF: I was once asked to appear in a show called Monte Carlo's Flying Casino but as the money was insufficient to woo me away from the rather dreary BBC serial I was doing at the time, I said no, and went to the south of France, where the capital of Monaco sports a number of casinos in which elderly ladies sit around green baize tables and blatantly cheat. What they do is to wait until the roulette ball falls on to a particular slot on the wheel when they all claim it. "That is my money," says one. "No repeat, it belongs to me," cries another. And as this happens in French, Dutch, German, Austrian... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation before Austrian. NP: Yeah but not enough, no, no, I disagree. There are 18 seconds for you to continue Clement on Monte Carlo Casino starting now. CF: I once sat in the Monte Carlo Casino when an American, watching the spin, tore off a fly button and shouted "gentlemen this represents 486 dollars." At which point the ball came and settled in exactly the number which this aforesaid gentleman had backed... WHISTLE NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went so he started with the subject and finished with the subject. He got two points throughout the round and he's in second place, one point behind Derek Nimmo. Derek your turn to begin again, the subject, getting nicked. That's a good subject for me to read out isn't it Ian Messiter? IAN MESSITER: Yes! NP: Would you talk on that one for Just A Minute starting now. DN: Out in my garden the other day I did a very curious thing. I had a pair of secateers in my hand and I was doing a bit of judicious pruning with my roses and I nicked my finger, quite by mistake... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer. BC: That's repetition of the personal pronoun I. DN: No. BC: Qualified because counted seven. NP: Seven? BC: Yeah. KW: We don't count those little words. You can't count that. CF: Seven? NP: If there were seven Is, you should have it Barry, but I didn't count seven Is. BC: I'll settle for six! NP: Barry as you don't play it often as the others, it's ah... BC: I'm not playing tonight! NP: It's a tough and keen challenge... DN: Is this a new rule? We can challenge for I? NP: No no we try to ignore the Is and its. BC: I'm groping my way. NP: If there had been seven, I would have allowed it. DN: You'll certainly get nicked if you start groping your way mate! NP: So don't charge any points, Derek keeps the subject, getting nicked, 50 seconds starting now. DN: I once managed... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: That was the seventh I! NP: A bonus point to Clement Freud for a witty challenge, Derek keeps the subject, getting nicked, 47 seconds starting now. DN: I had a terrible time once with the local constabulary because I was riding a bicycle with an L plate on the back, an odd thing to do really. And the vicar came down to the street towards me. And at the same time this sergeant, whose name is Wilkinson, popped out from behind a tree and said "why haven't you got your bicycle clips on? Come back with me to the station immediately." And when I got there, there was a blue lamp... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of bicycle. NP: Yes yes, and I would have thought deviation because you cannot be nicked... DN: No you can't. NP: ... for riding without bicycle clips. DN: You're quite right. NP: It's just good advice to wear bicycle clips. Clement you have a point and 26 seconds on getting nicked starting now. CF: John Betjamin writing about Oscar Wilde's arrest at the Duggan Hotel, has his policeman saying "we have come for to take you to where felons dwell." It's a very difficult poem because it is totally repetitive, and people would buzz if you related it. But as a result the famous author was taken to a police station in inner London and charged by... WHISTLE NP: Well Clement wasn't nicked by any of his competitors before the whistle so he got an extra point for speaking at that particular moment and he's now taken the lead ahead of Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. Kenneth we're back with you to start, would you talk about the subject of Emmanuel Kant for 60 seconds starting now. KW: Well he led a very quiet life in Curdesburg actually. He had an enormous influence on European philosophy, in the sphere morals mostly. It would be impossible to encapsulate exactly what he believed and wrote about in the critique of pure reason. But I think a sentence like "to treat humanity as an end in itself and never as a means" would be about the nearest you could get in Kantian terms. Of course Kant is used in another sense when people refer to the would-be... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer. BC: Was that a direct quote from Emmanuel Kant? Did he ever say "in Kantian terms", Emmanuel Kant? KW: I wasn't quoting Kant at all. NP: But Kenneth Williams then... KW: I wasn't quoting Kant at all. BC: In that case I withdraw with grace and a certain amount of dignity. KW: No, having ruined my flow, that's all! I'm sitting here, I was all worked up! I was throbbing with it! You could see... NP: But all that happens is whether he has withdrawn with dignity or not, you get a point for a wrong challenge Kenneth, so it's to your advantage. And you have the subject still and 21 seconds on Emmanuel Kant starting now. KW: Of course the other er... BUZZ LAUGHTER FROM BC AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Kenneth Williams will start again, you have 21 seconds on Emmanuel Kant starting... KW: Well I can't now because it's just ruined me! BUZZ KW: I mean it's just ruined me! NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Deviation, he wasn't talking about Emmanuel Kant. NP: Right, Kenneth Williams you continue with Emmanuel Kant, you have 18 seconds starting now. KW: It would be impossible for me to collect my thought, and all the thoughts that need collecting... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged again. CF: Repetition of thoughts. NP: Yes he repeated thoughts, but don't worry Kenneth, carry on on Emmanuel Kant and you have 14 seconds starting now. KW: Well you see... BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo's challenged. DN: What's happening? LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Kenneth Williams must continue on Emmanuel Kant because he was thrown by all three of you, he has 13 seconds starting now. KW: He makes a definite... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged. DN: Do you mind if I go home? There doesn't seem to be a point, does there really! NP: Derek Nimmo has got, Kenneth has got another point... KW: Just as much point as hearing about you being nicked for having the bicycle clips on! What a load of rubbish that was! NP: Another wrong challenge and you have 12 seconds on Emmanuel Kant starting now. KW: There's a force... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud's challenged. CF: I'd like him to have another point! NP: You've got another point and he's got 12 seconds on Emmanuel Kant starting now. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged. DN: I'd like him to have another point too! NP: He has 11 seconds on Emmanuel Kant starting now. KW: Well in Kantian terms... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer has challenged. CF: Repetition of Kantian. BC: I would like him to have another point but I would like to apologise for making the interruption that started this mess. NP: Ah Barry Cryer, they've all given you another point so you have 10 seconds on Emmanuel Kant starting now. KW: Various phenomena and allumina and these are the two spheres which the human mind has great difficulty in... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged. DN: Repetition of human. NP: Yes I'm afraid you did mention human. DN: (laughs) Oooh! KW: It's amazing that I could remember anything, the way I was treated. NP: I should think that is perfectly true! CF: You have got about 10 points in it! NP: But you have taken a commanding lead with all their help and Derek Nimmo has four seconds on Emmanuel Kant starting now. DN: He once said and I think this, for me, sums up his whole philosophy... WHISTLE NP: Derek Nimmo was then speaking when the whistle went, he's now equal in second place with Clement Freud. But Kenneth Williams has taken a commanding lead, three points over them at the end of that round! Barry Cryer will you begin the next round, the subject, my intentions. Can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now. BC: I went to see my intended father-in-law, my prospective wife's er parents, male of the species... NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation I felt. NP: Not quite. KW: Yes, er was said! Er was said! And he pulled me up in the middle of my bit on Kant! I was just getting away! I might have gone sailing on to the sea of, what do you call it? BC: Hesitation! KW: Fluency! NP: Barry I try to be fair, which all I can do, Barry Cryer, is leave the subject with you, having got another point, my intentions with 40, 54 seconds left starting now. BC: Fixing me with a basilesque stare, he quoted Emmanuel Kant, a man approaching his prospective father-in-law... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: That is the second father-in-law we've had. NP: I know, he may have two fathers-in-law but he mustn't repeat it. There are 45 seconds for you Clement... BC: I have two fathers-in-law! NP: ... on my intentions starting now. BC: One of each! CF: My intentions are to listen very carefully to what is said on this programme, and at opportune moments, especially when I am allowed so to do by the chairman, and his colleagues, I press my buzzer in order to pull up a speaker and point out to him mistakes that he might have made which are transgressions of the rules of this game which were published in the Radio Times and other papers regarding hesitation, deviation and repetition of the subject which is on the card. And which a Sunday newspaper, not long ago, published as the... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged. DN: Repetition of published. NP: Yes you published more than once. CF: Well... NP: Yes... CF: I mean it's an economic thing. One off publication... NP: But you can't publish more than once... CF: That's quite true. NP: ... in this game Clement. Nine seconds on my intentions Derek starting now. DN: My intentions are entirely dishonourable. Whatever I do in life I always try to do something which is particularly nasty and horrible! WHISTLE DN: Particularly to Nicholas Parsons! NP: Derek Nimmo's particularly nasty intentions kept him going until the whistle went, he gained that extra point. He's one point ahead of Clement Freud, he's one point behind Kenneth Williams who is still our leader. Clement your turn to begin, the subject, insurance, 60 seconds starting now. CF: Insurance is something of which I'm not terribly fond, mainly because I dislike insurance companies who never seem to pay out when you should be, but take your money whatever. For instance, suppose you dislike somebody very much. I've now come to the conclusion that you send them an insurance card, the sort of thing that falls out of a magazine and says 2859 pounds for you at the age of 45. And I enter on such pieces of paper the names of enemies... BUZZ NP: Ah Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Repetition of paper. NP: I don't remember paper coming in before. DN: I thought he said on pieces of paper, I'm sorry... NP: No no... DN: ... that came out... NP: He used the word card before. DN: Sorry. NP: Twenty-nine seconds on insurance Clement starting now. CF: As a result of this insurance salesmen called upon the person at all sorts of inopportune hours, saying "are you the gentleman who wished to partake of our incredible sssssss..." BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Yes I thought there was a hesitation there. NP: You're right, yes, he couldn't find out how to get out of that one. So you have another point Kenneth and you have 12, I'm sorry, 15 seconds on insurance starting now. KW: Well this is very important, especially for celebrities like myself. People who are hills in a very flat country. I myself am insured because I won the... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of myself. NP: Yes there are eight seconds on insurance Derek starting now. DN: I curiously enough am an associate of the Chartered Insurers Institute. And I started off my life in an insurance company in Liverpool... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition. NP: Of what? CF: Of off. I started off off my life. NP: Yes yes, Clement has a point and four seconds on insurance starting now. CF: Threadneedle Street in the city of London is where many insurance companies... WHISTLE NP: So Clement was speaking on insurance when the whistle went, he gained that extra point. And Derek it's your turn, the subject, my tallboy. Would you talk about that and you start now. DN: My tall boy is called Timothy St John David Nimmo. He's 18 years old and he leaves school. Oh goodness me, how awful it is going to be when he returns home for good, and I fill myself with all kind of alarm. That great big hulking brute that I, for years, have banished away to the depths of Berkshire, is now coming home permanently to roost with me. And I'll have to support him for some years as well... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer challenged. BC: Repetition of home. CF: Yes. NP: Yes you did say home before. DN: Well listened Barry! NP: And Barry you have a point and you have 34 seconds on my tallboy starting now. BC: On the contrary my tallboy is made of pine. It is light brown in texture and resides in the corner of my... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Deviation, you can't be light brown in texture! BC: Is that what I said? DN: Yes. BC: I must listen when I speak! I'm sorry! NP: Light brown in appearance, the texture and you don't often feel tallboys like that, I agree. Twenty-six seconds on my tallboy Clement starting now. CF: If you look at the Guinness Book Of Records, there is no mention of tall boys in it at all. And yet the very tallest boy is 4000... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, the Guinness Book Of Records has nothing to do with the subject which is my tallboy! NP: That's a very good challenge! So Kenneth, concentrate, you have 18 seconds on my tallboy starting now. KW: Mine houses the knickknacks which I have collected over the years. And it is lined with flypaper so that any stray bluebottles will be instantly trapped, as I loathe the thought of those vermin infested creatures going near my lovely tallboy. I always have... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth listened well, he got in before the end, gained that extra point, and I will now give you the final score. KW: Yes? NP: Barry Cryer was in fourth place, a little way behind Derek Nimmo, who was in third place, only two points behind Clement Freud. And Clement Freud finished up one point behind this week's winner, Kenneth Williams! KW: Oh I can't believe my luck! It's marvellous! I hardly ever win! I hardly ever win, you know that! NP: We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, and from all of us here, good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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