JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,BCryer
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and BARRY CRYER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 14 October 1974)

NOTE: Barry Cryer's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Barry Cryer in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've heard we welcome to the programme for the first time Barry Cryer. And so best of luck Barry, you'll find it's er pretty tough once they get the bit between their teeth. But I hope you'll get some points as I will ask them all to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some subject or word or phrase that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And this week we'll begin the show with Derek Nimmo. Derek can you talk on the subject of streaking. Don't demonstrate, just talk, 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: It's all part of the decline in the standards at the BBC isn't it, that one should be asked to speak on a subject like this for the first time on this programme. It really is quite appalling how words change their meaning, isn't it really. And when I was a boy a trumpet was a...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of really.

NP: Yes you did say really twice. Um Peter you have the subject, you have a point for a correct challenge and there are 47 seconds left starting now.

PJ: I've always thought that radio was the perfect medium for streaking. I've never been invited to do it actually, but I am contemplating taking it up or down as the case may be. I don't know whether listeners would enjoy a commentary from perhaps the chairman, if I take off ah my jacket...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation, er.

NP: Yes I did hear it Derek and I agree with your challenge. So you get a point for a correct challenge and the subject and you have 30 seconds for streaking starting now.

DN: One spring morning I was streaking through Windsorgrade Park with only a bowler hat on my head. And a policeman rushed up to me with his truncheon and took his helmet off...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Good evening.

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: A truncheon while you're streaking is very nasty.

NP: You're trying very hard Clement but not succeeded.

CF: Oh you don't agree?

NP: No I disagree entirely because the policeman could rush up with his truncheon and er what he does with it, we might hear. Um Derek you have a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject of streaking and there are 21 seconds left starting now.

DN: I painted the wall a very pale shade of green, and then started streaking it with blue to give it a very jaspy effect. This I found to be particularly attractive and so did my wife. Aunty Edna did not care for it quite so much and said that she preferred...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: What happened in Windsorgrade Park? We've missed all that just as the policeman was approaching with a truncheon! He's left us in mid-air.

NP: I know, he thought it was probably wiser to do so considering what was happening in Windsorgrade Park. Your challenge then Peter?

PJ: Is um... deviation! He's deviated from...

NP: Windsorgrade Park.

PJ: Yes!

NP: He hasn't deviated from streaking, so he gets a point for an incorrect challenge and he keeps the subject and there are three seconds left starting now.

DN: Amongst all the trees in the nude, there I was. Whatho, I shouted, my goodness me...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle which Ian Messiter blows for us tells us that 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gets an extra point. It was Derek Nimmo, so at the end of the first round Derek's taken a commanding lead. He has four points. Peter Jones has one and the others are yet to score. And Clement Freud, will you take the second round, the subject, spending one million pounds. Will you talk about that in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: One million pounds used to be considered a very great deal of money. But late...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, I still consider it to be a great deal of money.

NP: But he was not deviating because it was also in the past considered a great deal of money. So he has the point for a wrong challenge and he keeps the subject and there are 55 seconds left starting now.

CF: But now it's a mere bagatelle, a farthing on a loaf for two weeks would look after that sort of money. And recently with one million pounds I was able to go and streak. And the only people who recognised me were those who had bought my clothes...

BUZZ

CF: What am I talking about?

NP: You were talking about streaking.

CF: I was waiting for someone to...

NP: Derek got in.

DN: Well hesitation and deviation, all the challenges really.

NP: Yes everything I would have thought. So Derek a point for a right challenge, 25 seconds for spending one million pounds starting now.

DN: Oh I would love to spend a million pounds. I would give Nicholas Parsons a long-term contract in Hollywood so we'd never see him again! That'd be very good and worth at least 50 pounds of it I suppose really. But when one thinks of a vast sum of money like this, one imagines desert islands that you could buy, lovely maidens to go on them, palm trees, the sun shining every day of the year, and blue lagoons and little tiny crustacea, I do love shrimps...

WHISTLE

NP: Well once again Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went so he gained an extra point for that and he has increased his lead at the end of that round. And Barry Cryer it's your turn to begin, what it's like the first time. Sixty seconds starting now.

BARRY CRYER: What's it like the first time, the beauty of this subject and discoursing thereon is that once cannot be accused of repetition because the first time is totally unlike the second, the second is not like the third, and the third is dissimilar from the fourth...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of second and then repetition of third.

CF: You could have waited.

BC: I didn't repeat the word second. I said second, third and fourth.

NP: I know you did.

DN: You said it's not like the second time and the third is not, you did actually.

BC: Help me Uncle Nicholas!

NP: No, the second time is not like the...

DN: Second time! And the third time is not like the fourth time.

BC: I didn't say time though each time, did I.

NP: But this is the first time he's been on the programme.

BC: Yes.

NP: So he gets a point for that challenge of yours, and ah first time he's actually spoken. So he has 50 seconds with a point to your credit Barry on what's it like the first time starting now.

BC: Quite a heartrending occasion, I do remember the first time I ever had to cook for myself. Living in a bedsit, I decided to make some soup. So I obtained a tin of soup which of course...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Soup, two soups.

NP: Yes I think such a definite thing as soup, we couldn't allow to go twice.

CF: But soup is not that definite. I mean he didn't say what kind! Soup is a pretty well generic...

BC: I was about to say super!

NP: We haven't seen the sort of soup that Barry Cryer serves up. So Barry I disagree, I mean, I agree Derek's challenge, so he gets a point for that and 41 seconds for what it's like the first time Derek starting now.

DN: For me it wasn't very good the first time as I remember it really. The trouble was she couldn't take it quickly enough. That's always the difficulty when you're engaging a new typist. Their speed is sometimes rather slow. In case you were thinking I was talking about something quite different, I would like to reassure you on that point. But now she's been with me for these many years...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer has challenged.

BC: Is that a deviation? Where's the relevance to the first time now?

DN: I was just going to go back to the first time.

PJ: Ah yes, too late, quite right Barry. Quite right.

BC: Thank you Peter.

CF: Very good intervention.

BC: You got the...

NP: Does the audience agree with Barry's challenge?

BC: Yeah!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Their superior wisdom is always what counts in this programme. So I bow to that and say Barry you have a point for a good challenge and 21 seconds on what's it like the first time starting now.

BC: I shall continue my discourse about the broth I was attempting to boil. And I did in fact suffer a severe scalding due to this because the directions on top of the aforementioned tin said pierce the top and then stand in boiling water...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of tin, tin of soup and then....

NP: No he never said a tin of soup, it was a soup before.

BC: And I said a broth this time.

DN: No but he said tim of soup the first time actually.

NP: Oh Barry Cryer's got another point and there are nine seconds left on what's it like the first time starting now.

PJ: And as I understand it the joke was you stood in the boiling water? Is that it?

BC: Thank you Peter!

PJ: Is that right?

BC: Thank you yes, it is entirely correct.

PJ: I do think one or two people missed that.

BC: They did.

NP: Would you like to go round and tell every member of the audience every time, then send a little note round. Anyway Barry you've lost two seconds because Ian Messiter kept the watch going while, or gained two seconds, which ever way you want to look at it. So there's now only seven seconds on what’s it like the first time starting now.

BC: The first time I sampled this...

PJ: I'm only trying to make him feel him at home!

BC: Yes thank you Peter!

PJ: After all from his description it's a pretty modest place...

WHISTLE

BC: You're a toff sir!

NP: Well on that occasion Peter Jones was speaking when the whistle went but Barry Cryer gets an extra point. Because Barry had the subject, you realise that. Derek your turn to begin, the subject, ah is um kicking off. Would you like to talk about that, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: They're all kinds of things that you can kick off, aren't there really. I particularly like kicking off my traces, whatever they might be, but it's rather good fun isn't it, you know. A red letter day, a night out with the boys, on the town. There you go from hostelry to public house, rushing around popping...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer.

BC: There's a deviation, you kick over traces.

NP: I was going to say, I thought, I'm surprised...

DN: I was kicking mine off!

NP: Well I think the correct phrase is kicking over the traces and not kicking them off. So Barry I agree with your challenge which was rather late but still is valid, 44 seconds on kicking off starting now.

BC: There are many senses to the term kicking off. There is the football connotation, the term kicking off, there is the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of term.

NP: Yes you're correct Clement.

BC: That is entirely correct.

NP: You have a point and the subject and there are 30, 25 seconds left, kicking off starting now.

CF: Perhaps the most usual method of kicking off occurs at association football matches. And quite particularly at Wembley Stadium where eclectic games such as the Cup Final, internationals, are often performed in front of great audiences, often reaching 100,000...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of often.

NP: Yes I quite agree. It was so quiet the audience...

DN: I couldn't hear it at all over here!

CF: I wasn't talking!

NP: Well Peter do you think you could wake them up with a little more enthusiasm about the subject and there are 17 seconds left for kicking off starting now.

PJ: I think beer is one of the most refreshing drinks that I have ever enjoyed. The lager beer from Denmark or Germany...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

PJ: Australia!

NP: Clement?

CF: Repetition of beer.

NP: Yes I'm afraid there was so Clement has the subject back, another point, 11 seconds, kicking off Clement starting now.

CF: The old time centre forward, now known as striker, tends to pass the ball to...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: No, he's now known as streaker! We've established that earlier on.

NP: He may streak as well but he's also known as striker.

DN: Oh.

NP: So it's a wrong challenge and Clement has six, five and a half seconds on kicking off starting now.

CF: At which the inside left used to give the ball back to the centre half...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then streaking when the whistle went, I mean kicking off, speaking when the whistle went. Derek Nimmo is still in the lead, he is one, no, two points ahead of Clement Freud who is one point ahead of Barry Cryer, did very well in the last round. And Clement Freud your turn to begin and the subject, Pontefract. Can you talk about Pontefract in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I once went to Pontefract races and a clergyman came up to me and said "excuse me, Mister Freud, you are very well known in Pontefract." And I was fascinated by this and said "how am I in Redcar?" And he said "practically unheard of." Since when I haven't enjoyed Yorkshire as much as I might have done. But... horse...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation is correct Derek, you have a point and the subject and 37 seconds on Pontefract starting now.

DN: Bath-buns and Pontefract cakes, how I adore them. On Tuesday morning...

BUZZ

DN: What?

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

DN: Who did that?

PJ: Deviation, he's talking about bath-buns.

NP: But he put them alongside the cakes which come from Pontefract.

PJ: Yes but he's meant to be talking about Pontefract cakes, not bath-buns and Pontefract cakes.

NP: He's supposed to be talking about Pontefract. Derek I disagree with the challenge so you keep the subject and there are 32 seconds on Pontefract starting now.

DN: I once met a lady called Jungle Mary who lived in Pontefract. She was a very curious sort of woman really. She had black hair and used to wear ginger frocks, always of that particular... grade of red...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes a stumble that can be interpreted as hesitation. So 20 seconds left for Pontefract with you Clement starting now.

CF: The derivation of that town is of course pont from the French bridge, to efract which was a river running in a south-westerly direction, totally tidal and emanating from a lake...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, it's not true, it's not tidal and from any lake.

NP: Derek I agree with your challenge...

CF: Oh really?

NP: ... and there are six seconds on Pontefract starting now.

DN: It is a very handsome town and I do like going there. Particularly the radio station I find most agreeable because the trains when they stop there...

WHISTLE

DN: ... they're always so courteous and very polite to you and they give you cakes. And Nicholas's 84-year-old mother is always there to meet you.

NP: On this occasion Derek Nimmo was speaking well beyond when the whistle went. And he doesn't get anything extra for it, it was just as boring as what he says before the whistle goes. Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject is bedtime.

DN: Oh.

NP: Can you talk about... don't look at me like that please Derek. Bedtime is with you now Peter, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well how we think of bedtime which is one of my favourites depends to a great extent on our age. When we are children we cannot put off the evil moment of ah...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation on the evil moment yes. There are 48 seconds on bedtime with you Derek starting now.

DN: Well here we are again, what was it like for the first time that we went to bed. I...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He's adding up all the other previous subjects and er that's not on. No no, that's just boring. More boring than it was the first time!

NP: Yes.

PJ: The challenge is deviation.

BC: Awfully good!

NP: Why?

PJ: Because he's talking about er ah...

NP: You can't even remember it now.

PJ: What it's like the first time and all that sort of thing.

NP: I'm glad you remembered...

PJ: He's supposed to be talking about bedtime.

CF: I'd support that challenge.

PJ: Thank you very much.

NP: I must say the connotation is pretty obvious. Peter you have the subject and there are 43 seconds on bedtime starting now.

PJ: Well as I was saying when we first get married...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition if it's what he was saying!

PJ: As I was saying.

CF: Well if it's what he said.

PJ: That's different to what I was saying.

CF: No it isn't.

NP: But he didn't say anything repetitious. He was using a phrase which was repetitious but as he was not repeating anything that he had said before, he keeps the subject with a point and it is bedtime, 41 seconds Peter starting now.

PJ: And then for the first weeks after the wedding, one cannot get to bed soon enough. For instance as soon as teatime is over then there's a streak up the stairs and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well he's talking about previous subjects like streaking and I was had up for that! It's a new rule!

NP: He didn't, the previous subject was actually streaking and he used the word streak, and it fitted in very well with the situation. So I don't think for a minute that we'd call it deviation. Peter you have another point for an incorrect challenge and you have 28 seconds on bedtime starting now.

PJ: Sometimes coming down again for News At Ten. Then perhaps a glass of ovaltine or some such drink, I should have said. I shouldn't have been advertising it, not that probably a lot of people will rush out to buy any just because I mentioned the word...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of rush, apart from anything else.

NP: Yes apart from anything else yes.

PJ: What do you mean, apart from anything else? I don't like that! That's a slur, a smear!

NP: Well it was intentional because I think you were well deviating from the subject. But I will accept the rush as a repetition and the subject is now back with you Derek and you have 12 seconds on bedtime starting now.

DN: I curl up every night with my teddy bear whose name is Bobby, and a cup of a hot chocolate drink, the name of which I won't actually broadcast on the air, but I find awfully beneficial and it sends me off sound asleep...

WHISTLE

CHEERS FROM DN

NP: Well Derek Nimmo was not only speaking at the end of that round, he was also cheering himself for his efforts. And um he might well do so because he has got quite a few more points. And the next subject is happy families and Barry Cryer it's your turn to begin and would you start now.

BC: Happy families, I do possess one. We used to have three children, one of each, but very recently we had an addition. We now have four children. Before I was married, I had four...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of...

BC: Repetition of the word children.

NP: Yes I'm afraid so Barry. So Clement you get the subject and a point and 50 seconds on happy families starting now.

CF: I think of all the happy families I know, the Parsons' must come out the happiest. It's not only the lovely lady who is married to our chairman who I used to know many years ago because she was a friend, a friend of my wife's when she went to dramatic school...

BUZZ

BC: Indelicacy!

NP: Barry Cryer's challenged.

BC: It's only indelicacy, it's not qualified.

NP: Well he hasn't got to the indelicate bit.

BC: The revelations were mind boggling! I didn't want to...

PJ: Why did you stop him?

BC: I was just being, I had an attack of gallantry Peter!

PJ: OH I see.

NP: What was your challenge?

DN: I boggled myself.

BC: My challenge is now withdrawn.

NP: You've stopped him in mid-flow...

BC: Oh the revelations were too...

NP: But I mean I have to give him a point, you know...

BC: Yes I know you do. But it's worth it, because we live in a changing world and I just...

NP: Right well...

CF: Did they hear that um your wife went to dramatic school with my wife? Because I would like this to be very clear.

NP: No no you've got the subject, you can...

CF: I didn't want to say it again and then be had for repetition because I was shouted down in the middle of explaining.

NP: It's up to you Clement, you play the game your way and I will judge it my way.

CF: Thank you.

NP: And ah Barry's given you a point and there are 55 seconds with you on happy families starting now.

CF: And then...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I think you're right Peter. Peter you have the subject with 32 seconds left on happy families starting now.

PJ: I think the happiest are those that are extended with great-grandparents, grandparents...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well parents, parents.

NP: No, grandparents and great-grandparents. Great-grandparents is hyphenated, grandparents is not. Great-grandparents...

CF: Or something like that yes.

NP: Peter Jones has got the point and there are 25 seconds on happy families starting now.

PJ: In other words, many generations are all there milling together. And the situations that must arrive...

BUZZ

DN: Deviation, you can't have many generations all milling together!

PJ: Why not?

DN: That's not possible, not many generations. One or two...

PJ: Four or five!

DN: Milling? They'd be too old for milling!

NP: I think your point is valid, many generations milling together does seem a little bit um...

CF: Oh...

DN: An 84-year-old gran is milling?

CF: There's not much else they can do!

NP: I will leave the subject with Peter Jones with 18 seconds left on happy families starting now.

PJ: And then all the tensions that must arise between people of ah...

BUZZ

NP: Derek, Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. I've never heard you press your buzzer such a long time Clement. You obviously...

BC: I pressed as well Nicholas, that's why. Sorry.

NP: It doesn't make any difference, Clement Freud's light comes on. Oh I see! There are 12 seconds on happy families with you Clement Freud starting now.

CF: In my youth there was a card game called Happy Families, which, for all I know, is still in vogue now. The butcher, the baker, the candle stick maker, all sorts of professions and names...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: There are no professions, they're all trades. Deviation.

NP: We could go all through them. There's doctor... doctor...

CF: Repetition of doctor.

BC: Yes.

DN: It was worth a go though, wasn't it.

NP: Clement Freud you have a half second on happy families starting now.

CF: Also...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that round did a world of good for the people who make the cards of Happy Families, didn't it. And um the next subject is Clement Freud and it is what I put in to improve things. Clement would you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I did once suggest in a newspaper article that every housewife should have a kit of foodstuffs and basic ingredients which you put into things in order to improve them. And it is surprising how many little women feel that if double cream and mushrooms and caviar are injected to, poured over or thrown at some totally unpalatable item the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I know, he couldn't think what the result would be, obviously. Well Derek...

CF: Do you really not want me to go on? Because it was really really...

NP: No we never really want you to go on.

CF: ... quite interesting. I see. I'm glad you've made yourself clear.

NP: We can't stop you sometimes. Um ah what I put in to improve things, starting now.

DN: Well this morning I put something into improve things in my garden. Some rather pleasant plants, a rhododendron bush I inserted into the soil, which I hope will flower any morning and waken me with a twinkling...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of morning.

NP: Yes.

DN: Absolutely right.

NP: What I put in to improve things, 16 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well talking of rhododendrons, I often dig the soil in the garden, turn it over in other words with a fork or spade, I'm not going to tell you exactly what I put in...

WHISTLE

NP: So a very interesting situation at the end of the last round. Peter Jones came with a flourish but I'm afraid he didn't manage to catch up with Derek Nimmo or Clement Freud. Our newcomer Barry Cryer finished in fourth place, just a little way behind Peter Jones, who was a few points behind Clement Freud. But once again our winner this week, Derek Nimmo! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.