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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ELEANOR SUMMERFIELD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 13 June 1987)
NOTE: Eleanor Summerfield's last appearance. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute! THEME MUSIC NP: Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And once again it is my pleasure to welcome you to Just A Minute. And on the panel this week we have three of our regular players of the game, Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud. And we welcome a guest who has played the game, well, she's played it once before, but it was some time ago. That excellent broadcaster and actress, Eleanor Summerfield. Will you please welcome all four of them! Sitting beside me as usual is the inventor, the creator of the game Ian Messiter who blows a whistle when the 60 seconds is up at the end of the minute, and also keeps the score. And once again I'm going to ask our four panellists to try and speak if they can on the subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. And on the card in front of me is the subject of getting animated. Well the obvious person to take that subject and start the show must be Kenneth Williams. Kenneth you have 60 seconds as usual, will you tell us something about getting animated starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well getting animated can be of course somebody in a state of enormous agitation or brio, elan, whatever. But on the other hand it could refer to Klaus Schmitz's invention which was that of taking a series of drawings of the human body in so many stages of action and then flicking through the pages very quickly so that it appears to be moving. And this was developed brilliantly, we all know, by Walt Disney. And various characters became famous through animation. I remember being most animated by an evening at the Colosseum Theatre when Tommy Steele chucked a load of itching powder down everybody's back. And we all became most animated... BUZZ NP: And Eleanor Summerfield has challenged you. ELEANOR SUMMERFIELD: I think you said animated three times. NP: Yes but you see Eleanor, you haven't played the game before. Animated is on the card and they are allowed to repeat the words on the card. ES: Oh you can keep on doing that? I'm sorry. I beg your pardon. NP: Not at all, it's nice to hear from you Eleanor. But when you interrupt of course, unfortunately the speaker does get a point for being interrupted. So he gets the point there and keeps the subject, there are nine seconds left Kenneth, getting animated starting now. KW: And you must all go and see a wonderful film called Love Me, in which I play all the characters in these animated figures... BUZZ WHISTLE NP: And Peter Jones pressed as the buzzer went. PETER JONES: Well he kept saying all. He said it about four times. NP: He did say all more than once, you needn't emphasise it, he said all go and see it and all get animated. And you got in with one half second to go Peter. And you start now. PJ: I'll just get... WHISTLE NP: And of course those of you who know the rules will also know that whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains that all important extra point. It was Peter Jones who has taken the lead at the end of the round. And Peter would you take the next round, it is estate agents I have known in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well unfortunately the laws of libel in this country don't permit me really to say anything very interesting about the estate agents I have known. They usually go in pairs like conc... BUZZ NP: And Clement Freud has challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation? NP: I think you would be right there Clement. PJ: Yes. NP: And you have 47 seconds, tell us something about the estate agents I have known starting now. CF: Forty-seven seconds is about the right time of length for me to speak about the estate agents I have known. There haven't been many and they haven't been particularly honest... BUZZ NP: Eleanor Summerfield has challenged. ES: Didn't he say they haven't been twice? NP: There haven't been many and they haven't been particularly honest, well listened Eleanor. ES: Oh is that right? NP: Yes. ES: Oh sorry. NP: It's a surprise, for somebody who hasn't played the game for so long. So Eleanor you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject with 37 seconds left on estate agents I have known starting now. ES: I haven't known many estate agents until about 18 months ago and we decided to sell our house and move to a flat because it was too big for us. So we went to an estate agent who was nearby and he came to see me in our house. He was a charming young man, most attractive and we discussed how much we should ask for it. And he said may he send his other junior estate agent to see me in the morning, which he did. The next day at about half past 11... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of house. Quite a long time ago but... NP: Yes! That is a generous player of the game, she did mention house more than once. But he let her go on for a time to give her that confidence that our guest requires. Thank you Clement but you've got in very cleverly with six seconds to go on estate agents I have known starting now. CF: Secluded Cornish cottage to let, loo 10 miles, is the sort of rotten thing... WHISTLE NP: So Clement Freud then speaking as the whistle went got that extra point, and he has now taken the lead. And Clement it's your turn to begin, the subject, a good meal. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now. CF: It's very odd that people seem to feel that a good meal should consist of many courses rather than one good course. And I'm enormously in favour of something like Irish stew made with best end of lamb, potatoes, leeks, onion, water, salt, pepper, bay leaf, sage, thyme, sole and any other herb which you like to put into it. If you go to a restaurant they do tend to say soup, fish, meat, sweet, vegetables of all kinds, all of which are especially charged like spinach, two pounds 45 P, broad beans in cream sauce, the most extortionate demands are made in respect of these sort of accompaniments. We live in a flat up very many stairs in Wimpole Street. And in order to get a good meal you have to go 91 steps all of which are carpeted, matted, with rods... BUZZ NP: And Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Well deviation, we're on this subject of his house and how many carpets and how many stairs he's got, and I don't think that constitutes a good meal. You can't eat a stair carpet. NP: In other words he was deviating from the subject of food... KW: Yes! Yes! NP: ... on to the carpeting and the stair rods and everything else. Right Kenneth I agree with your challenge and you cleverly got in with only two seconds to go, a good meal starting now. KW: Boiled beef and onions... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged you. Clement what is your challenge? CF: Hesitation, deviation from good taste. NP: I think you were determined to challenge him before he actually opened his mouth! I disagree and you've got one second with another point of course on a good meal starting now. KW: Steak and kidney pie... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth Williams got two, three points in that round, one just before the whistle and one as the whistle went as he was tried to be bluffed out of it. And he has now taken the lead. And we come to Eleanor Summerfield to begin the round. And Eleanor the subject is parachuting. Eleanor starting now. ES: This was a pastime which was invented really as an emergency for those magnificent men in their flying machines. Because if there anything nasty happened to their aircraft, they could eject themselves and float safely down to earth. Now however it has become a sport too. In fact quite a lot of people, an amazing number to my mimd, take part in it, purely for the thrill and excitement of jumping out of a great aircraft and sailing down... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Well she did say aircraft twice. NP: Yes she did. ES: Did I? I said flying machines. PJ: Well you said that as well. ES: Did I? PJ: I don't know what you could have said really, to avoid repeating one or other of them. NP: Well Peter you have a correct challenge and you have 24 seconds to talk on parachuting starting now. PJ: I remember asking a parachutist what he did if the parachute didn't open and he said "pray like hell"! I don't know what they do really. I suppose they have emergency chutes which ah they can ah open... BUZZ NP: And Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Hesitation there, er they can er. NP: Two er, yes. I thought he was nodding off actually. PJ: Well I was identifying with the parachutist! You'd hesitate if you were in that situation. NP: There are nine seconds left for you Kenneth on parachuting starting now. KW: I did it from a tower, and they shoved me off, and I landed and I ricked my ankle. And I do not have fond memories of this pastime, I can assure you... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth getting in just before the whistle and gaining those extra points and he's now in a very positive lead ahead of Peter Jones, followed by Clement Freud and then Eleanor Summerfield. And Kenneth your turn to begin, Simon Bolivar. Will you tell us something about that distinguished and brilliant man in Just A Minute starting now. KW: Yes well he was South American, born in fact in Caracas. But it is important to realise that he went to Madrid for the education you see. And took a degree in law. Then he got mixed up with the French Revolution and became convinced that he should liberate all these people. And off he went to Peru, raised an army, and all the rest. Whereafter Peru was actually named after... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of Peru. NP: Yes I'm afraid... KW: Well I mean he did all his work there, you see! It was Upper Peru that was actually named after him and called Bolivia, you see. That was... NP: Save it, you might get in, Kenneth you might get in again, save the information. CF: I was going to talk about Bolivia. KW: Oh righto, well you have a go, mate! NP: Clement you have 33 seconds to have a go on Simon Bolivar starting now. CF: Simon Bolivar's face is very often seen on cigar packets. Because for some astonishing reason, large ah... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Right. PJ: Hesitation. NP: A hesitation is right and 24 seconds on Simon Bolivar with you Peter starting now. PJ: Well it so happens, it's a coincidence, I came across his name when I was reading a book recently of famous last words. And I recall that he said something like, put my luggage on the frigate, I'm leaving today, they don't like us here. So he must have left South America prior to dying. I don't know quite what he did... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well deviation, that's not true, he did not leave South America prior to dying. He died in Sucrez from tuberculosis when he was 47. PJ: On the boat. KW: He was not on a boat at all, he was on the land, you great fool! PJ: He was on a frigate! I remember it being a frigate. NP: He did actually say Kenneth, I assumed from that. As he didn't actually make the statement but assumed it, I think he has the benefit of the doubt and three seconds to continue on Simon Bolivar starting now. PJ: You could see his face on a coin in ah South America... BUZZ NP: No no Eleanor got in before the buzzer. ES: He hesitated. PJ: Oh. ES: In ah South America. NP: Yes I think he did a bit actually, you're quite right Eleanor yes. Simon Bolivar, half a second starting now. ES: Simon Bolivar... WHISTLE PJ: Very good! Very good! NP: So Eleanor got that extra point then, she is moving forward, she is still behind Clement Freud. Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams are both equal in the lead. And Peter starts the next round, the subject, Dallas Texas. Would you tell us something about that subject Peter in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well I'd be delighted to, because I've got two fans in Dallas Texas, and they wrote to me a little while ago. I can't imagine really why but they can listen to the World Service in Dallas Texas and er if they came over here... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: And er. NP: Kenneth the subject is Dallas Texas and you have 46 seconds starting now. KW: Well it is a famous lyric. In Dallas Tex, they talk of sex, but only think of oil. And it is of course the subject of this great soap opera which has proved an enormous eye-catcher because the viewing figures are phenomenally high, even when you consider the incredible nature of those series. The plotlines... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Series? Repetition of? NP: Twenty-one seconds are left, Dallas Texas with you Clement starting now. CF: I'm awfully fond of that soap opera and quite particularly of a woman called Afton who I don't see a lot now. She was Mitch's sister and was seduced as most others are by JR in his time and then by Cliff and later by someone whose name I cannot remember. Dallas Texas... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition. NP: Of what? PJ: Ah seducing these women! NP: What we do there is give Peter Jones a bonus point for a delightful challenge, but as Clement didn't actually commit any of the rules, break any of the rules of Just A Minute, he keeps the subject with another point and two seconds left on Dallas Texas starting now. CF: Times are hard in Dallas Texas... WHISTLE NP: Well at the end of that round Clement Freud has now caught up on Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams, and all three of them are equal in the lead. And Clement it is your turn to begin, the subject, diction. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now. CF: If you have trouble with your diction, the most enormously useful people are speech therapists who actually do great work and bring people who are lost to the world back into the sort of civilisation and communication which everyone ought to enjoy. Unfortunately they are paid extraordinarily little money and there is not much incentive to pursue that style of work... BUZZ NP: And Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Well there was a hesitation for a start. And for another thing he wasn't talking about diction, he was talking about physiotherapists as far as I could make out. NP: Kenneth you have the subject because it was a hesitation. And there are 36 seconds for you to tell us something about diction, with your impeccable diction I'm sure, starting now. KW: Well the lines were set down for us by the great Shakespeare himself when he said "speak the speech I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue. But do not mouth it, as some of our players do, I would leave the town crier spoke my lines." I have the most extraordinary facility in that direction. And I've got it really from listening carefully to Noel Coward reciting wonderful poetry on HMV78, a long time ago when i was just a blonde child. Oh I can remember it all so well... WHISTLE NP: Well before Kenneth reminisced back into his childhood and deviated in the process, the whistle went, he gained the extra point and he has now taken the lead again! And Eleanor Summerfield will you take the subject of fun and there is a minute as usual starting now. ES: There is... BUZZ NP: And Eleanor Summerfield you challenged yourself. What were you challenging for? Hesitation? You're absolutely right. I give you another point. ES: Oh! NP: You definitely hesitated then, it was two seconds actually before you started. So you've got 58 seconds, you keep the subject, I can't do it again for you though, starting now. ES: Fun is to one man enormously enjoyable. To another it would be horrendous. Some get a great deal of fun out of weird things like potholing and mountaineering and parachuting. But I would find these totally anathema. Fun to me is meeting people who are amusing, whose conversation is extremely enjoyable. And also one's idea of fun changes as you grow older. No longer do I like bouncing a ball or skipping with a rope, and not many grown-up men enjoy playing with conkers. Though I do believe that they have other similar pastimes which are a great deal of fun. What am I saying? But I have a great deal of fun at the moment in a new occupation which is... WHISTLE NP: Well Eleanor Summerfield started with the subject, interrupted herself and got an extra point. Kenneth would you take on the subject of waiting for the whistle and there are 60 seconds as usual starting now. KW: Well there was a whistle that used to be blown for us to go on parade in Singapore, and I absolutely hated even bothering, you know, to go on these dreadful parades. I couldn't stand it. I've said that twice, how amazing that no-one's challenged. It's too late now... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: What from? CF: From waiting for the whistle. NP: That's right, Clement has another point and the subject and 45 seconds on waiting for the whistle starting now. CF: In this game the very best thing to do when waiting for the whistle is to go into automatic pilot. Oh, that we now had here but one ten-thousandth of those men in England who do no work today. What s he that wishes so? My cousin Westmoreland? Nay, my fair cousin. Not one more, rather proclaim it throughout my land that he who has no courage... And that is the sort of way in which one proceeds and there are now 21 seconds to go... BUZZ NP: And Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well I mean, (laughing) honestly, he said it's now 21 seconds to go... NP: Could you, could make yourself intelligible Kenneth? KW: Yes he deviated from the subject. NP: How? KW: He said there are now 21 seconds to go. NP: Yes. KW: Which is not talking about the whistle. NP: It's a very difficult thing to judge but the one thing on which you challenged was absolutely concerned with waiting for the whistle, 21 seconds to go. So I have to be fair to Clement and tell him he has 17 seconds to continue, waiting for the whistle starting now. CF: A squirrel is a rat with good public relations! That's the sort of phrase which would take up a modicum of time and get the whistle... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well I, it's deviation, because the squirrel has no good relations with anybody. They all, everyone loathes them, they're dreadful things, and they cause... shut your row! They cause, they cause endless trouble to the trees because they eat the bark and... BUZZ PJ: It has nothing to do with it. NP: Peter, Peter, what are you challenging him for going on so? PJ: Yes. NP: And talking absolute rubbish. PJ: He was deviating. KW: he was deviating yes. NP: Yes I agree, on this occasion I give you the benefit of the doubt Kenneth and tell you you have eight seconds on waiting for the whistle starting now. KW: I never actually wait for the whistle, you'd be amazed because I fill my head with other things and in that way the tedium... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth is cleverly getting in just before the whistle and he is increasing his lead. And Peter Jones you take the next round, selling the car. Will you tell us about that traumatic experience in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well it seems to me that whenever you sell your car in order to buy a new one, the person who wants to purchase it or comes to look at it, doesn't like it. They kick the wheel and say the tyres are in a shocking state. The ah wheel... BUZZ NP: Eleanor Summerfield. ES: Is he allowed a the ah? PJ: No. NP: No that is a definite hesitation. PJ: That's why I never win! NP: He actually gives himself away. He doesn't pause for breath, he just says definitely er! And you know he's paused. PJ: Yes I know yes. NP: And Eleanor you got in first and 45 seconds are left on selling the car starting now. ES: It's something that I haven't done for a very long time. I'm still using the same machine that I've had for about five years. But some day I shall have to start selling the car. And when I do, I suppose the thing to do would be to have it cleaned properly and serviced properly... BUZZ NP: And Clement Freud has challenged. ES: Properly twice. NP: Selling the car Clement, 27 seconds are left starting now. CF: Peter Jones is the sort of man to whom I would sell a car. I think he looks an admirably nice chap who wouldn;t examine too carefully whether the wheels were on or off, what sort of state the bodywork found itself in. And generally going to the gentleman with whom I have played this game for 20 years, I think I would find a purchaser of an automobile who... beyond comparison... BUZZ WHISTLE NP: Ah no, Peter Jones challenged just before the whistle. Peter? PJ: There was a slight hesitation just before he got to the end. NP: Yeah I thought there was a slight hesitation before he got to the end. I think he thought the whistle was going, he was waiting for it. So with half a second... CF: Could we stop Messiter from putting the whistle in his mouth long before he blows it? NP: I hadn't thought of that, yes, I must explain to our listeners. Visually of course they can see Ian Messiter putting the whistle in his mouth about three or four seconds before the time up, and Clement Freud thought it was about to happen. And it didn't so Peter Jones got in very cleverly and there's half a second on selling the car Peter starting now. PJ: Advertise! WHISTLE NP: So it is a close fought contest this week and Kenneth Williams is just in the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud, who is one ahead of Peter Jones who is one ahead of Eleanor Summerfield. And Clement this could be the last round, I don't know. Clement it's your turn and the subject is common sense. Will you tell us something about that, a man I'm sure of profound common sense, would you talk non it starting now. CF: Common sense is the sort of quality manifested by people who do not go on holiday to Bennedorm. I think common sense... BUZZ NP: Eleanor Summerfield. CF: I'd like Eleanor Summerfield... ES: Definite hesitation, wasn't it, darling, yes. NP: Eleanor you came in with 51 seconds to go and you now take up the subject of common sense starting now. ES: Common sense, sometimes known as nous, I don't quite know which language that belongs to. But common sense is something that you should really have gained from experience. You have learned when you were very young that to put your fingers into the fire will burn them. So you do not do so in future, you have gained a tiny bit of common sense. If you are cold you put on more clothes, if you are hot, you remove them... BUZZ NP: And Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Well there was an awful lot of yous. You do this, you do that, you... NP: If you are, if you are. ES: Oh I'm not allowed yous? KW: Endless yous wasn't it. NP: if you are hot, if you are cold, repetition of three words there. So Kenneth you've got in with 22 seconds to go on common sense starting now. KW: Common sense indicates that a man like Simon Bolivar selling a car, and being told your big end's gone would immediately remonstrate... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Cars weren't invented before he died. On this frigate! NP: I should think that Kenneth was just giving a sort of fantasy idea. He did actually say if you were to... PJ: He was talking absolute rubbish! With wonderful, wonderful diction! But rubbish! NP: Yes! And who have I ever penalised for speaking rubbish on Just A Minute? So I think I have to give him the benefit of the doubt and tell Kenneth you have 12 seconds on common sense starting now. KW: Well if a child is asked what is the capital of Antigua, and he says "about tuppence hapenny", that is common sense. Because the child is using... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of child. NP: Yeah I'm afraid he did repeat child before. So Clement you got in with one second to go on common sense starting now. CF: Trinidad and Tobago. WHISTLE NP: Right! Well I did warn you this would probably be the last round, it was in fact the last round, and let me give you now the final situation. Eleanor Summerfield, our guest who has only played once before, and that was a long time ago, came back, gave valuable contribution, and finished in fourth place. But only one point behind the witty and delightful Peter Jones who was only one, two points behind the erudite and delightful Clement Freud. And he was one point behind this week's winner, that man of style, distinction and diction, Kenneth Williams! the man who said so often I never win this game, in fact I don't want to win this game. But he does win on occasions and he wan, wan, he wan and he won in style today. We do hope you've enjoyed listening to Just A Minute. It only remains for me to say on behalf of the creator of the game, Ian Messiter, and our producer Ted Taylor, and me, Nicholas Parsons, thank you for being with us. And we hope that you will want to tune in again when we take to the air and play Just A Minute! Good-bye until then! THEME MUSIC |
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