NOTE: Stanley Unwin's first appearance, Clement Freud's 300th appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And once again it is my pleasure to welcome everyone to Just A Minute, and also welcome our four panellists. We have three of our regular players of the game, Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud. And as our guest we welcome someone who has never played the game before, a most distinguished broadcaster of many years, Stanley Unwin. Will you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Ian Messiter with his whistle ready to blow when 60 seconds is up, and also keep the score. And once again I'm going to ask our four panellists to speak if they can on the subject I give them without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Peter Jones will you start the show this week. And the subject is winter pyjamas. You have 60 seconds as usual beginning now.

PETER JONES: I've got three pairs of thick pyjamas. Two were given to me by my wife and one I bought after the sales were over. And they're a great comfort in the very cold weather. They've all got strong waistbands so that you don't wake up in the morning to find that your legs are tied together at the ankles. And if you leap out of bed terribly quickly, it can be a very bad start to the day if you fall headlong across the bedroom floor. Now these are pink and blue. I can't remember now, and you're probably not terribly interested, which is in the majority. But they have white stripes in between the two different colours. I suppose green might be obtainable but I don't have any. Black, black and white would be ah...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a definite er there. So Clement you have a correct challenge, a point for that, you take over the subject of winter pyjamas and there are seven seconds left starting now.

CF: I think on winter mornings it is a straight choice between pyjamas and drinking Austrian wine. And on the whole...


NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. It was Clement Freud, in fact he's the only one to have any points in that round. And Clement we'd like you to take the next round which is trips starting now.

CF: My wife and youngest son and daughter went on a trip to Gambia over Christmas. And it really was terribly nice. The Gambians come up to you and say hello twice, but we can't in this game repeat. I am your friend. And they try and become your financial adviser, consultant or work for you in some other capacity, which is enormously helpful if only because...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well it was a hesitation wasn't it.

NP: Yes it was a full stop.

PJ: Yes.

NP: And a pause and a hesitation. Thirty-two seconds are left for you Peter on trips starting now.

PJ: It would be nice to have an independent income and be free from time to time to just take off...


NP: And Clement Freud has challenged on?

CF: Time to time.

NP: Time to time, I'm afraid.

PJ: Of course!

NP: Yes of course. Yes you've got to watch these little catchphrases because they trip you up in Just A Minute. Twenty-six seconds are left Clement, trips starting now.

CF: Kenneth Williams goes on railway trips which he finds good fun though often there are leaves on the line which...


CF: ... make it very difficult to steer the train...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Long long long long long pause wasn't there.

NP: Yes I think he was waiting for the audience reaction.

KW: Oh I see! Yes! Well I think I would class it as hesitation I'm afraid.

NP: Yes all right Kenneth. As we haven't heard from you yet, and I know Clement's a very generous player of the game, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and tell you you have 16 seconds to tell us something about trips starting now.

KW: The most memorable was when my parents took me to Margate, and I had a stick of rock and an enormous paper parasol. And I was delighted to parade around in it. I thought it was the most chic thing...


NP: So Kenneth speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point. It's Clement Freud still in the lead. And Stanley Unwin we're going to hear from you as you take the next round. And the subject for you Stanley is communication. Something on which I'm sure you have a lot to tell us about because it's a subject on which I believe you are an expert. Is that right?

STANLEY UNWIN: Yes indeed yes.

NP: Right and you begin now.

SU: Oh! Well! The early communication of course was the pom-pom which is a wonderful form of communication between the natives of the various continents of the world. But um of the so-called civilised world I think er the er early digital, early digital communication was the morse code. Dit-dit-dee-dah-dee-dah and so on. Ah then after that ah we had um.... we had er oral communication. Now the trouble is that I find is that er our wonderful, our wonderful language which very few of us bother to speak properly, ah you might.... but um... there's always a first time on a programme you know! But deep folly! Communication ah I, I found one day that the chap wasn't listening to what I was trying to express...


NP: Well that was Stanley Unwin's first attempt at playing Just A Minute and I think he hardly erred once, did you Stanley? Nobody challenged you and actually if they didn't challenge you, I'm going to institute a new rule. Because Stanley you not only get a point for when, speaking when the whistle went, but you get a point for not being interrupted. And as you actually said er 77 times, I think that we'll give you a bonus point as well, another one.

SU: I'd love to have told the story what the chap didn't understand.

NP: Let's hear it.

SU: The chap wasn't listening to what I was trying to say, he said "I'll try and get my car repaired". So I thought I'd try it on. So I said um ah, it's a middlestrip every 500 milode. He said "oh we can't cope with that." So I said "could you cope with sales at Semple Street." He said "oh yes I'll put you through." So he put me through to sales and the chap at the other said "sales, Semple Street". I said "I want to sorpa see the availability before the porsagorg came through." He said "oh you'll have to wait two to three months". So I wanted him to say "what the hell are you talking about?" So I asked him "should I be able to get the underseal with an ohay if I came down?" He said "yes we close at six, that'll be all right!"

NP: Obviously Stanley you don't need a minute, you need about five minutes for each subject. You were building up to tell us that story, were you?

SU: Yes I was, I do beg your pardelode.

NP: No that's all right, it's the parcelode with the pardelode, I mean (gibberish), yes. You're in the lead! With Clement Freud. It's Kenneth Williams's turn to begin and the subject Kenneth is cards. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: It led me into the most extraordinary adventure. I was walking along and she produced these cards, ostensibly, you know, the kind of cards that identify people, you know. And it said Pose Plastique. And I thought oh hello, you know, that seems an amusing exhibition. And I found myself with three other people in this back room in Birmingham, round a bed on which these people were displaying various kinds of anatomical...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes I'm afraid you did repeat people.

KW: Well it was jolly good, don't you think.

NP: Yes and we'd just got to the anatomical...

CF: Do go on a bit, I'd like to hear the end of this!

NP: I know! We'd just got to the anatomical part, didn't we!

CF: Yes!

NP: What happened after the anatomical part?

KW: So we were all round this bed, you see, watching. And this woman was supposed to get into this plastique pose, Pose Plastique, you know what it is, they all wear but ah... But she got the cramp! And she started screaming, ahhhhhh ahhhhhhh you know, like that. It was murder and we all started, we all took a step back. Well actually I fell over the chair because I had actually stood up to get a closer look, you see. And I do think it’s very healthy to be curious, don't you? Yes I'm sure you do too. But anyway there came an awful banging at the door, you see. And this landlord said the room was being used for improper purposes, not apropos the display but because they were charging admission, you see...

NP: Yes.

KW: And he said that constituted a trade.

NP: Well we're very interested to hear the sort of work you did before you became an actor.

KW: That's right.

NP: Cramp or no cramp! There are 22 seconds left for Clement Freud, because he had a correct challenge a little while ago. The subject is cards Clement starting now.

CF: This is not actually the programme stipulated on my contract!


NP: Ah and Stanley Unwin pressed his buzzer! Stanley you have challenged. What is your challenge?

SU: Well the challenge is that there was nothing about cards there at all I felt from Clement.

NP: Well he actually came to a stop and he hesitated, didn't he.

SU: Oh yes there was hesitation as well.

NP: Yes that as well. So Stanley you have the subject of cards and there are 14 seconds left starting now.

SU: On cards, well um, ledger domain is the use...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I don't think I can let you have it this time Stanley. I let you have it 17 times last time! So it was a hesitation. Can you watch the ers Stanley, it's not helpful in this game. Yeah. There are 10 seconds left for you Peter on cards starting now.

PJ: (gibberish) is something if written on a card would be quite difficult to pronounce, even if Stanley were reading it. Now...


NP: Right so Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and it is very close with Stanley Unwin and Clement Freud in the lead, just ahead of Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth you're, no, you just started. Peter it's time to hear from you again. The subject, potatoes. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: I wish this were called Just A Second because I don't really know a lot about potatoes. They belong to the same family as tomatoes, the same...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: They don't!

NP: No!

PJ: Yes they do, they have the same sort of leaf, they are...

NP: They have the same sort of leaf but I don't...

PJ: They are related!

NP: Anyway Clement Freud was correct in his challenge and so he has the subject of potatoes with 52 seconds left starting now.

CF: One of the very great dangers at the moment is rysamania which is a disease that attacks potatoes and is exported from Holland and other continental countries in the earth surrounding the tuber. I could have said potatoes because it is the word on the card, but I chose to use another er...


NP: Kenneth you got in this time with a challenge and 33 seconds for you on potatoes starting now.

KW: One of the very nice ways to have them is in the jackets, you know. Put them in the oven, give them about an hour say. They're awfully good if you sprinkle a bit of cheese and black pepper on the top. Now King Edward does come out of this very creditably, the new on the other hand are best from Jersey. Now I find the floury content in them most delectable. On the other hand people say to me often that they would rather have something more ah tough...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes more er er. So Clement you've got in with four seconds to go on potatoes starting now.

CF: Mashed potatoes are probably my favourite way of eating them and rather...


NP: So Clement Freud told us quite a lot about potatoes, also speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. And we go from one subject concerned with food to another and I'm sure this is specially for you Clement. Because Ian Messiter's come up with the subject of Roman dormouse cooking. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: If you...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Oh no, I think that was a bit too sharp!

PJ: It was definitely a hesitation I thought.

KW: Yes! You heard it too, didn't you!

PJ: Yes.

KW: Yes he hesitated! He hesitated!

NP: How do you hear a hesitation?

KW: Look at him!

NP: No, it is an unwritten rule amongst the regulars, they are allowed to get under way, even Clement Freud in spite of his brilliance at the game. There was only three quarters of a second there actually and we're still with Clement Freud on Roman dormouse cooking starting now.

CF: If you have to eat a Roman dormouse, cooked would be my favourite way. Boiling, stewing...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I think there was an over three quarters of a second pause there.

NP: I would agree with that one, yes he made his point and the laughter was not as long as he expected! Fifty-two, 52 seconds for you Peter to talk on Roman dormouse cooking starting now.

PJ: Well being a vegetarian I'm not terribly interested in cooking dormice...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: There was an er there yes Kenneth so you want to talk on the subject obviously because you have been very keen to get in. There are 47 seconds on Roman dormouse cooking starting now.

KW: When I mentioned this to Stanley Unwin, he said to me, rise in the early maude, to waking forth the clarity in the milode, opening that very quickly and you should weesus sparkus with the wax and stuff it in the eardrobe in order to pass the siren safely. And that is the best way he said to cook a dormouse. And you do it with hay, or in a box with plenty of warmth all round and in three or four days you will find...


NP: Stanley Unwin has challenged.

SU: Um hesitation. Repetitionee.

NP: Repetitionee, what of?

SU: Well there was all these fundamoleths of speaketh.

NP: Yes!

SU: Which is noncomprehensimole to my eardrobes.

NP: Yes that's right, he did say phobalobe, he did repeat that, didn't he.

SU: Yes the connection was there, yes indeed.

NP: Right so Stanley you got in with 22 seconds on Roman dormouse cooking starting now.

SU: Well the humanisation of the abattoir for the decapitation of the dormouse, especially the Roman variety ah has to be considered first. But if you open a baked potato to which er which was just referred, you put the dormouse in with a sprinklode of cheese foil. This brings out a very fine flave and er...


NP: Well with a little help from his friends, Stanley Unwin kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point, and he's actually ahead of Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams but he is trailing Clement Freud our leader. And Stanley we're back with you to start, the subject is classical music. Would you tell us something about classical music in Just A Minute starting now.

SU: For classical music which is a broad subject I would like to choose a composer named ah... wait a second... (six second pause) I've forgotten his name! Um and he was ah a Italian who was born at Tripali and his name was Scarlatti. Now Scarlatti, classical composer, had two sons and a daughter and the daughter's name I've forgotten for the moment, it's not all that important. But it does underline the point that the classical music and what it can lead to. Ah the son, the son was about...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well first of all he hesitated because he couldn't remember Scarlatti, and then he repeated Scarlatti...

NP: Yes.

PJ: And then he went off Scarlatti altogether and talked about something else, so I think he's got a triple challenge coming.

NP: Yes but I'm afraid I can only give you one point for your challenge.

PJ: Oh! Hardly worthwhile!

NP: But you have the subject now, so Peter will you take the subject of classical music with 21 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Yes I've got used to it in the last few years. I didn't use to listen at all and now I'm absolutely...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Two used.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Really?

NP: I got used to it and didn't use to listen.

PJ: Oh that's right yes. Amazing! I didn't know Kenneth was paying attention to what I was saying!

NP: Oh you never know what Kenneth's getting up to, when he's sleeping! There we are, there are 15 seconds on classical music for you Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well of course it was Stanley Unwin who introduced me to one of the most interesting, Monteverdi. And he pointed out that the sostanuto and especially when accentuated is hauntingly lovely. I felt...


NP: So Kenneth gained points in that round, he's equal in second place with Stanley Unwin, they're still trailing our leader by two points who is Clement Freud. And Kenneth we're back with you to begin, and the subject Sappho. Will you tell us something about that man in this game starting now.

KW: Well it's always delightful to correct the chairman. Because Sappho was the most famous poetess of antiquity. And she was born about 650 BC, circa I think is what the critics write. She was reputed to have had to leave Lesbos under something of a cloud and whisked herself off to Mettalini but returned later where historical legend or whatever you like has it that she threw herself off the Rapacian Rock because of unrequited love with Thayon. Now she's only left us two extant odes, the rest are fragments. But the English translation of one is
Say not the candle starts to gutter
Now do not utter
That last good-bye, but blow out...


KW: I hadn't finished! I hadn't finished!

NP: So Kenneth took the subject of poetess Sappho, you kept going for 60 seconds without being interrupted. You not only get a point for speaking as the whistle went but a bonus point for not being interrupted. So you are now equal in the lead with Clement Freud. Peter the subject for you is the lady I saw you with last night. That is the subject on the card, can you talk on it for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well the lady I saw you with last night Nicholas, was round here earlier this afternoon. And I gave here a fiver and I said "that should get you as far as Gatwick! After that you're on your own because I don't want any scandal to impinge on this programme that I'm in. Because I feel that we'd all be tarred with the same brush if she started to write her articles in the newspapers." Now she was rather short I thought, not only of money but in ah stature. She was wearing a fun fur though quite why it was called that, I'm not sure. And what she had on underneath I'm not certain of either, perhaps very little! But there she was on the platform, and ah she didn't even have a ticket to go through the ah barrier. (starts laughing)


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well he started laughing and stopped!

PJ: Well it was ridiculous! What a ridiculous subject to give me, you know! I never get any classical allusions or anything of that kind in mine! The lady I saw you with last night! He gets some old Greek you know!

NP: Kenneth you got in very cleverly, not cleverly no, it was very easy actually with five seconds to go on the lady I saw you with last night starting now.

KW: Well in the Music Hall they always say who was that lady I saw you with last night. And they say it was my brother, he just walks like that. Then of course that was the subject on the card...


NP: So Kenneth got in again and also spoke as the whistle went so he's now in the lead ahead of Clement Freud who begins the next round. And Clement the subject for you is decoys. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CF: If you shoot ducks, which I don't, you need decoys which is why I have none. You float them on the water and the animals see them from above, think they are my mates, come and settle. And you then loose off both barrels at them, and cook them for dinner on a medium flame having previously plucked and drawn and possibly quartered the birds...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well deviation, he said the animals that see them above, I mean the birds are not animals.

NP: Thirty-six seconds to go starting now.

KW: The most famous decoy was a man they got dressed up to look like Montgomery and they convinced the Germans that it was him in an area which was nothing to do with where the Allied offensive was going to take place. And consequently the intelligence given to Berlin was contrary to all the expectations that had been built up. And this fellow came back and was actually seen in London. People shouted "hurray! General Montgomery! How marvellous!"


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: What?

CF: Two Montgomerys, two Montgomerys.

KW: Well of course there was two Montgomerys!

NP: Clement Freud got in with four seconds to go on decoys starting now.

CF: The other decoy that I would like to talk about especially while...


NP: So Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, he's still just behind our leader Kenneth Williams. They're both somewhat ahead of Stanley Unwin and Peter Jones. And Stanley your turn to begin. The subject is art, will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

KW: That is most unfair Clement! After all, Professor Unwin is a guest on the programme and I think he deserves a little bit of courtesy.

CF: I take it...

KW: Not buzzing in before a man's even got a chance to get under way!


NP: I must explain to our listeners that the round of applause was not so much for what Kenneth said, but the way he acted up the part.

PJ: They applauded because they thought he was leaving!

NP: I thought it was because the way he stuck out that little posterior of his actually.

PJ: Oh well, each to his own!

NP: So Kenneth, I wouldn't allow it when you challenged Clement Freud with only one second on the clock. And our guest, I agree with what you've just said. So Stanley you have a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, and you have 59 seconds to go on art starting now.

SU: Art is connoted with beauty. And beauty as you all know is in the eye of the beholder. I think it was Ralph Emerson who said ah, you cannot, you must carry it with you or you'll never find it, unquote. And um in order to build up a picture of art you must have some idea of the linear perspective which starts at the beginning and finishes at the end. Then you must have spatial relations which are lumps in between. You see? If you also have a human being there, and there's a most spherical globule on the armbecca, they call that a circulode of confusiode. You see? Now in the special relakers and the linear perspective, all this joy comes back into the individualode. So you really must carry it with you or you'll never find it. You see what I mean? Ah there's joy! Ah ah oh no. So you may want to manifest your art by getting a bicycle and raiding it, riding it over a lump of solid...


NP: So Stanley Unwin once again kept going through his subject until the whistle went. I don't think the others knew where to challenge actually! So you are not called Professor Stanley Unwin, nicknamed as such for nothing Stanley. We have to say good-bye but before I do that let me give you the final score. Peter Jones who gave us his usual wit and charm and all the other qualities he brings to the show did finish in fourth place. Stanley Unwin gained a large number of points, goodness knows how, but he did gain them! And your contribution will be cherished and relished I'm sure because you finished in second place, only two points behind Clement Freud, who was two points behind this week's winner, once again, it is Kenneth Williams! Before we close may I say thank you and good-bye on behalf of the creator of the game, Ian Messiter, our producer Edward Taylor, and myself, Nicholas Parsons, and of course our delightful panel. Good-bye until the next time when we play Just A Minute! Good-bye!