WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 September 1974)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as usual I will ask our four contestants to talk if they can for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card if they can. Let's begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth a lovely subject to start with, my finest hour. Oh you're smiling already! Would you talk on the subject for Just A Minute if you can starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: It raises a whole host of memories, revolving in the mind or intellect, depending of course on which definition you prefer. But immediately I am present in the great abyss of fear, and feeling the byzantine movement pulsing through my entire physical being, envisaging the arrival of Justinian, born in a litter with those great Ethiopian males. Lowering me slowly and then stepping forth to cry out, "Solomon, I have beaten you!" Because this edifice was greater than anything known...
NP: Are you all right there in the audience? Peter Jones has challenged you, Peter, what was your challenge?
PETER JONES: Well that's not his finest hour! He wasn't there!
NP: I don't think it was his finest hour by any means. It was Solomon, no, a lot of other people's finest hour...
PJ: Exactly! And the subject is my finest hour.
NP: Yes I don't think you could justify it by any manner or means. Though it was absolutely fascinating Kenneth...
NP: I think that Peter had a legitimate challenge so...
KW: I don't think so at all! I think it's most unfair! I really do! (crying) Most unfair! I've come all this way!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
KW: Thank you.
NP: Well so do the audience but I'm afraid you'll have to...
KW: But I want to win!
PJ: There's an election!
KW: The milkman said to me you never win! You're wasting your time going there! It's awful! I said don't worry, one day there'll be...
NP: Kenneth! Just nurse your grievance like a good boy...
NP: And you'll get back, no, Kenneth!
PJ: is that what he's doing? Nursing his grievance? Good Lord! I don't think we ought to encourage that!
NP: I think we should get on with Just A Minute. Peter I agree with your challenge, you get a point for that, you take over the subject, you have 14 seconds, my finest hour starting now.
PJ: It was a long time ago and of course it was during Just A Minute. And it only took 60 seconds for me to go on talking about the one subject. I remember I got flowers...
NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged you.
SHEILA HANCOCK: If it was in Just A Minute, it couldn't be an hour!
KW: Oh that's brilliant! She's brilliant!
PJ: We do two programmes at the same time!
NP: Sheila, my finest hour, he was using it as an expression, colloquially a phrase. I think your challenge was very clever so we give you a bonus point for a good challenge, leave the subject with Peter who has five seconds to continue on my finest hour starting now.
PJ: And it was in two parts because the programme is recorded one after the other...
NP: Well the whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gets the extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones who has a lead over everybody else at the end of the first round. Derek Nimmo...
PJ: Is he all right?
DEREK NIMMO: I think so! I'm so sorry! I've been frightfully quiet, I've been sort of listening.
NP: Exceptionally quiet for you.
DN: Very quiet yes, I won't spoil it.
NP: Derek we're going to hear from you now, the subject is getting ready for the hols.
NP: Can you talk on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.
DN: Oh my goodness, what an excitement it is every year when one gets ready for the hols. Off comes one's coat and one gets down to work, unpacking the cases that have been stored up in the loft for a 12 month. And then you open them and there are mothballs inside and a touch of mildew. And you've bought your tickets, you go down to the doctor and you get your injections in your arm. And then pieces of paper to be acquired from travel agents, phone calls to be made, the milk to be cancelled, the newspapers to be stopped. My little hat that protects me from the sun to be brought out. My lotion that protects me also from the...
DN: Ah I said protects twice, I did.
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition of protects.
NP: Yes you repeated the protect.
NP: Yes! And Peter you have a point for the correct challenge and you take over the subject, there are 25 seconds for getting ready for the hols starting now.
PJ: Well I do much the same as Derek Nimmo, but rather more slowly! And I get the tin out...
NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.
DN: Doing it rather more slowly!
NP: It wasn't slow enough for a hesitation.
NP: Well tried Derek. All right, give him a bonus point. Good challenge.
DN: Good idea!
PJ: What's he getting a bonus point for? Making a wrong challenge?
NP: I'm throwing them about today, I'm feeling in that sort of mood.
PJ: It's a wrong challenge, you're giving him a bonus point! Don't you think that's ridiculous Kenneth?
KW: You can't question the authority of the chairman!
PJ: Oh right!
NP: Nineteen seconds Peter for you to continue on getting ready for the hols starting now.
PJ: Put the tent up on the lawn and get all those aluminium...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, if you're going on holiday, you would not put the tent up on your own lawn! That's ridiculous! That's not going on holiday at all!
PJ: If you're getting ready, you would!
KW: That's camping! What he's doing is camping! He's camping the whole time, don't you see!
PJ: Getting ready!
KW: I think the point of getting ready is he's putting the tent up to see if it still works. I don't think he was deviating from the subject of getting ready for the hols, 16 seconds Peter, starting now.
PJ: You get those aluminium utensils out, get them polished...
NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.
SH: I think he said aluminium last time.
NP: Sheila has a correct challenge, there are 13 seconds Sheila, getting ready for the hols starting now.
SH: I always think getting ready for the hols is considerably more enjoyable than the actual hols which are a bit of an anticlimax. But you have to get out the cases, prepare your clothes, usually washing and...
NP: On this occasion Sheila Hancock was speaking when the whistle went, she got the bonus point. She's now in second place behind Peter Jones who is still in the lead, and Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams in third and fourth respectively. Peter your turn to begin, the subject, some people. That's a subject that you can take many ways, would you talk on it for Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: Well some people are terribly boring and they write anonymous letters, complaining about the conduct of the chairman in panel games! I've had a few of those. And also some people live abroad and of course are called foreigners. In fact most...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of of course.
NP: OF course.
KW: Oh you're not going to pick people up on little things like course?
NP: Well he's done so, so if you do it, he gets a point.
NP: Forty-three seconds for you Derek on some people starting now.
DN: Some people are frightfully mean. They challenge people when they say of course. I don't think this is really a terribly good idea. It smacks of being...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: I couldn't hear or understand a word he was saying. It was quite indecipherable. And he was doing a funny voice, I don't like funny voices!
NP: In other words, he was doing a Kenneth Williams and you object? Um Derek you still have the subject, 36 seconds, some people starting now.
DN: Some people fill me with tremendous admiration such as Kenneth Williams. When I look across at that giant of literature, that paeans of praise shower from me and fall upon that sun-blessed head. With his auntie sitting in the audience smiling away, wondering at him as we all do sometimes! My goodness, oh what a splendid chap to call a chum! Dear friend, I say, bon ami if I was a frog. Otherwise I would find that relatively one indulges...
NP: Well Derek kept going magnificently then. Sheila your turn to begin, the subject, following some people, other people.
NP: Can you talk for Just A Minute on that starting now.
SH: Other people on this panel today seem to be a little bit round the twist. I think maybe they have been to the pub before. But I am not accusing them of it because they are being...
NP: Derek Nimmo.
DN: Deviation, I certainly haven't been to the pub before.
SH: I said...
DN: I just had to set the record straight! I don't care whether I lose a point or not, I'm not having broadcast to Ceylon and Australia and all sorts of countries, I frequent hostelries before I appear on this programme! I just had to set the record straight!
PJ: I don't mind if everybody in Ceylon knows I go in a pub now and again.
KW: Yes, we all know what you drink too! Australian beer!
NP: Fifty seconds Sheila on other people starting now.
SH: If the other people on the panel, deny however that they have been to that said inn, I will accept that and agree that they perhaps are just a little bit mentally below me. However I enjoy very much being with these other people, and I find them laudable in many ways. Peter Jones with his distinguished greying sideboard, Nicholas Parsons with his beautiful...
PJ: I don't want all the listeners to know that I am going prematurely grey!
KW: Well shut your row, you're drawing attention to it!
NP: Yes you're undermining it!
KW: You're undermining it all, you great fool!
NP: Sheila you have 19 seconds left for other people starting now.
NP: Tie and Derek in his pink shirt, and green... the same...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
NP: I agree with that Kenneth .
NP: So you have the subject now...
SH: Well I said tie just before.
NP: ... having got an extra point and there are 13 seconds on other people starting now.
KW: And a good thing the subject returns to me after this incoherent rambling we've all had to listen to. Jean-Paul Sartre rightly said hell is other people. This is a definition which I find myself in full...
NP: Well Kenneth's erudition kept him going...
KW: And I'm in the lead? Right?
NP: You've got two points in that round.
KW: And that means where? What about my position?
NP: You're in fourth place.
NP: Kenneth we're back with you, can you talk on the subject of the most interesting Louis.
NP: Sixty seconds starting now.
KW: The verdict of most historians would have to be Louis the Fourteenth or the Sun King as he was affectionately known. And one of the most charming anecdotes concerning that monarch was when a lady came to him in deep distress apropos pregnancy, and said "my husband's been away fighting, do you see, and I don't want him to learn of this event." He said "madam, I will make sure his posting lasts another six months." And that I think is very nice. because he is, so to speak, engineering a charming pardon for an indiscretion. Would that all kings had the sense of clemency, of tolerance...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of king.
NP: Yes I'm afraid there as repetition of king. So Derek...
KW: That's very mean of you Derek! The way you just seize on these little words!
NP: But you've been going for nearly, you've been going for nearly 50 seconds, and very well. In fact um you, you made a very good point about Louis. But now Derek's going to talk on the subject...
KW: I wanted to go on about this woman being pregnant. It was very interesting!
NP: I know, we've had enough about her being pregnant! I think we can get off her now for a bit...
KW: Oh pardon me for living!
NP: There are 12 seconds Derek for the most interesting Louis starting now.
DN: His great creation was of course the Palace of Versailles which he turned from his old father's hunting lodge to this most magnificent of buildings, employing Le Bron and Le Nott, his gardener and painter in reverse order...
NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo, getting the extra point, speaking as the whistle went, has moved into the lead, one ahead of Sheila. Derek your turn to begin, the subject is little green men. Can you talk about them for Just A Minute starting now.
DN: Little green men, what an awfully nice subject to get. Of course it takes one back to prehistoric Britain, I suppose, the barrows, those great mounted, built by perhaps the little green men, the forerunners of our present British kind...
NP: Sheila Hancock.
SH: What did you say?
DN: You're supposed to be listening!
SH: Well it was deviating because I couldn't hear it. The forerunners of our bleurgh?
NP: Yes I quite agree, I couldn't hear it at all, so none of us can judge whether he was being devious...
DN: Present, I said.
NP: ... or repetitious. So the only thing to do, Sheila, we won't charge any points, we'll let him carry on...
SH: Well not only that, I've got another challenge!
NP: So what's your second one?
SH: Well there's absolutely no proof that the men who lived in the barrows were green!
NP: Yes! What's the third challenge?
NP: What's your third challenge?
NP: Well I agree Sheila, but you didn't bring that one out first. So 45 seconds to continue Derek on little green men starting now.
DN: Because when the Irishmen come to town and they paint the town green, so right they are...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Two towns.
NP: Yes well done Kenneth, you have the subject and a point and 42 seconds, the little, no not the, little green men starting now.
KW: (in Scottish accent) The little green men only require for you to put out a wee bowl of milk in the morning. And then you find that all your doings shall be placed and you’ll never have any ill luck or misfortune. And way up in the glades where they still put out the little...
NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.
SH: Two put outs.
KW: I was put out by you! You were over there making faces! She's making faces at me all through!
NP: I think we were all a bit put out by your impersonation!
KW: (crying) I was put out by her! She's making faces all the time!
SH: Oh you fibber!
NP: Kenneth, Kenneth...
KW: (crying) She knows I can't walk properly! She's laughing at disability!
NP: If only the listeners could have seen your face when you were doing that impersonation!
SH: I thought he might do himself an injury if he went on much longer!
NP: Sixteen seconds for you Sheila on little green men starting now.
SH: The Green family live in Cirencester and some of them are quite little. There's Edward and George and John, not more I should think than five foot four inches but little...
NP: Well Sheila got an extra point for speaking when the whistle went and she's now moved into the lead. She's three ahead of Peter Jones, no, she's only one ahead of Derek Nimmo, he's in second place. Peter's now in third place, Kenneth's still in fourth place. But they're all fairly close.
SH: He seems to have been doing quite well, why is he still only in fourth place?
NP: Because he talks so much when we're not playing the game, you all think he's winning!
SH: Oh he's... God!
NP: Um ah Peter it's your turn to begin, the subject is speaking loosely. Can you either demonstrate or talk upon that subject for Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: Far too many people are doing this nowadays. Even, dare I say it, on programmes broadcast by the BBC. Even in this very programme...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: BB! Two Bs!
NP: Kenneth you have a very good challenge and you have a point and you have 52 seconds to continue on speaking loosely starting now.
KW: This means when you're slack jawed and (does impression of someone unable to articulate properly) and furled like that and unable to speak clearly without being really articulate. (normal voice) Or suffering from gomphosis. Now there have been many gomphotic creatures and there are...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition of gom!
NP: Oh give Peter a point for trying hard and leave the subject with Kenneth because obviously it's not a correct challenge but it was a good one. Thirty-five seconds Kenneth to continue on speaking loosely starting now.
KW: In the field of circumlocution, it is with infinite difficulty that man finds the accurate phrase with which to properly convey his innermost convictions. Now when the vocabulary falls into slackness, we tend to label this loose talk or speech. On the contrary it may often be the verdant outpourings, that which are involuntary, extemporaneous to a degree...
NP: Well once again Kenneth kept going well, he spoke a great deal in that round. But I'm most afraid he's still in fourth place! Sheila we're back with you, your turn to begin, the subject, estimates. Can you talk about estimates for Just A Minute starting now.
SH: This is something I feel very strongly about at the moment as I have been having a house converted. And I advise you whatever work you have to do, make sure you get an accurate estimate to the last penny. Otherwise at the end of the job you will find there is something sinister called extras put on, which means that you are playing usually five times as much as you expected. Therefore you have to get every nail...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Deviation, she's painting a picture of builders in England as if they're a lot of swindling rogues! I can't stand by and hear a noble profession maligned! I've got chums who are carrying the hod and the mortar and are doing the work, the hard work, that goes towards making this country a better place to live in!
NP: You are, Kenneth, you want a cheap estimate for the house you're doing up in Portland Place? Is that it?
KW: I haven't got a house, I've got one room, kitchen and bathroom. I run round, shove the Harpic down the loo and fly!
NP: You've flown quite enough in this programme! Sheila has another point and 29 seconds to continue on estimates...
KW: Oh it's a disgrace!
NP: ... starting now.
SH: I would like to endorse his recommendation of builders. Because mine happens to be very good, because I got one of these said estimates and he stuck to it. But I know many many people...
SH: Oh! (laughs) I got carried away then.
DN: Too many.
NP: Too many too manys. Fifteen seconds Derek on estimates starting now.
DN: Estimates of course comes from the Latin word estimatus, the noun. And can be used as Sheila says so often by the building trade. And I am suffering from them myself at the moment. Because they say we'll build you a room and when you get the final bill, it doesn't include the roof!
NP: Ah Derek Nimmo got the point for speaking when the whistle went. He's now equal in the lead with Sheila Hancock. Kenneth we're back with you, and in view of the way the subject has come up, I've just thought it might be fun to throw this one at you. Nursing a grievance! So would you like to talk about nursing a grievance for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: This is an unhealthy occupation. And the proper resort to these feelings is not in nursing the grievance but in inventing the grievance...
SH: Oh no, I take it back! My finger slipped!
NP: It doesn't matter because he still gets a point for an incorrect challenge.
SH: Two grievances!
NP: He's moved out of fourth place...
KW: Nursing a grievance, that's the point, that's the title.
SH: I know!
NP: And you have 47 seconds...
SH: I thought you needed a point for the milkman!
NP: Oh he's going to get his extra pint tomorrow, isn't he! Nursing a grievance Kenneth, 47 seconds starting now.
KW: All these things are the result of neuroses of some kind or another where the modern mind is besotted. Now the answer to this lies in the only way it can be truly be remedied and that is the method of expatiation at the propitious period where naturally the mind resorts... what are you doing?
NP: I must tell the listeners Kenneth looked at me then and said what are you doing. I was just carried away...
KW: You're making faces at me! You were! You were making faces at me!
PJ: No he wasn't!
NP: I was just deeply impressed...
PJ: He dried up and he just...
KW: I didn't dry up! I'm going to go on and on about this! What are you talking about?
NP: I, I was, all this list of long words you kept...
KW: I put it to the audience that when people deliberately go errrrrrrr...
KW: ... right at you like that...
NP: I put it to the audience wasn't I just overcome with admiration?
CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE
KW: You pay 'em to come here!
NP: So Kenneth you have 18 seconds on nursing a grievance starting now.
KW: I nursed a grievance once and I was very foolish. And when I faced the person that caused it, he said "ohhhh my dear fellow, why didn't you ring me up, write a note." I had to come around and thrash the whole thing out, er...
NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.
SH: Well because he ground down...
DN: Either that or repetition of nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan!
NP: All right Sheila, three seconds on nursing a grievance starting now.
SH: Nursing a grievance is a foolish...
NP: Well I've just been told that we have no more time to play Just A Minute, so let me just give you the final score. Peter Jones leapt into a lead at the beginning of the show. He slowly lost it and finished in fourth place. But he ah...
PAPER RUSTLING NOISE
NP: Derek, excuse me! He was only one point behind Kenneth Williams who surged forward with his grievance and finished in third place. And they weren't far behind Derek Nimmo who was in second place. But he was beaten by this week's winner, returning to triumph, Sheila Hancock! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.