WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and WILLIAM FRANKLYN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 22 February 1986)
NOTE: William Franklyn's last appearance.
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and William Franklyn in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we welcome William Franklyn as our guest this week to play with three of our regular players of the game. And we'll begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of as a starter is green jellybabies. Will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.
CLEMENT FREUD: A jellybaby is a small gelatinous sweetmeat shaped as a young person or small human being and panders to the cannibalistic instincts that are in most of us. A green jellybaby is pretty much what I said coloured green. They also come red, black and yellow. And I find it extraordinarily difficult when in a blindfolded test to tell one colour from another. It's an extraordinary thing because one ought to know. But I with a taste of... some distinction...
NP: William Franklyn has challenged.
WILLIAM FRANKLYN: I think the word coloured cropped up a second time. I'm always a bit slow on these things because I have to absorb...
NP: Yes but he did hesitate didn't he?
WF: Well I felt it was the coloureds I was more concerned with than the hesitation. I'm quite happy to accept the hesitation as well. In fact it had some...
NP: So William Franklyn you have a correct challenge for hesitation, and ah we have to encourage the guests occasionally. With 24 seconds on green jellybabies starting now.
WF: Green jellybabies are to humans what cuds are to our milk-giving four-legged friends. They seem to be something that one puts in the mouth to occupy rather boring or rather bleak staring moments. You put it in your mouth, you're quite comfortable chewing it as you may...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PETER JONES: Well he did repeat put it in your mouth.
NP: He repeated other things as well Peter.
PJ: Well I know he did, but I let him off that. I thought I'd try and encourage him.
NP: But put it in the mouth was more than one word, so you came in on that one. And you get a point for a correct challenge, you take the subject of green jellybabies and there are eight and a half seconds left starting now.
PJ: Well green jellybabies, like the other coloured ones, are just about the most boring sweets you can possibly imagine. As you can hear...
NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And on that occasion it was Peter Jones, so he is in the lead at the end of the first round. William Franklyn will you take the second round and the subject is auctions. Will you tell us something about those in this game starting now.
WF: One of the fascinating things about auctions is if you go to the pre-examination before the actual auction itself. It gives you an opportunity to look at the things that are going to come up in the sale. And I was at an auction down in the country about five years ago, when I spotted a painting which I thought was an Atkinson Grimshaw. Who was a Victorian painter who painted in the area of Liverpool. And as I walked over to it and looked at it closely, a man came up beside me and said "it's not right, you know". Well that's their secret way of trying to say to you you've actually spotted something that's rather good, but we want it, so we're just letting you know we've all good our eyes on it so you keep your hands off it. This in this particular case was an expert. So I said "no I know it's not the phrase that you've just used, but I happen to like it for what it's worth anyway". So I went away and sat down. When the particular painting by the painter I mentioned from Northern England, when it came up...
WF: ... I started my bidding...
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Awfully boring, wasn't it?
PJ: No, I don't think so! I want to know whether he bought it or not, and whether it really was an Atkinson Grimshaw.
NP: Well there's only four seconds left for him to tell us.
CF: And the repetition of painter and painting.
NP: Yes he did repeat those things Clement, so you can have him on that and three and a half seconds on auctions with you starting now.
CF: Reading newspapers, it would now appear that people who go to auctions no longer have to buy anything...
NP: Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point, is equal in the lead with Peter Jones at the end of the round. And Peter your turn to begin, the subject, cockroaches. Will you tell us something about cockroaches in Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: Well they're not particularly attractive, not as pets anyway. But I do seem to remember the head of the catering department of a London hospital describing them as nourishing, and saying that they had quite a lot of protein. They weren't introduced into the meals he was serving intentionally, they just kind of dropped in to them, just like the birds droppings that fell into the puddings at another ah...
NP: William Franklyn challenged.
WF: Repetition of fell into.
NP: They did.
NP: No, they dropped before, they fell into.
PJ: That's right!
WF: No we had the latter and we had...
PJ: Dropped and then I said fell in. I mean...
WF: We need a complete action replay really, don't we, to sort that out.
WF: No in that case, it's the hearing again, it's got very dodgy lately.
NP: Yes you could have had him for hesitation but I'm afraid it's too late now.
WF: No I wanted to tell him about the Atkinson Grimshaw...
PJ: Yes and I would like to hear about it!
WF: Yes I mean obviously...
NP: Tell us now if you like, did you buy it or not?
WF: Clay Freud was very bored by it, but I must tell you. It was an Atkinson Grimshaw...
NP: Did you buy it?
WF: I did buy it.
WF: I took it somewhere and it was valued for 17 times what I paid for it, so I was rather...
PJ: How marvellous!
WF: And it hangs on my wall...
NP: So why are you bothering to appear on Just A Minute?
WF: Well I just get, I've been looking at this painting for so long, I just like a break! And get away from the house you know, instead of looking at this lovely painting.
NP: Oh let's get back to Just A Minute. Peter the subject is Atkinson Grimshaw, no it isn't, it's um, the subject is cockroaches, quite different, 30 seconds are left starting now.
PJ: Seventeen times as much as he paid! Anyway this er...
NP: William Franklyn.
WF: Repetition of what I said actually!
WF: Is that...
NP: He can, he can say anything that you said, but he mustn't repeat it. But you could have had him for deviation, because what he said has got nothing to do with cockroaches.
WF: Yes right, I'm having him for deviation.
NP: As you are our guest Bill, I will allow that deviation and give you 27 seconds left on cockroaches starting now.
WF: When the typhoons of Hong Kong assemble, they cloud in across the island. And at the end of this particular ah weather...
NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: I thought there was a hint of hesitation there.
WF: (laughs) There was!
NP: A hint?
WF: I was given this story by my wife just before I left home and I haven't had time to practice it!
NP: We're fed up with your Atkinson Grimshaw...
PJ: I don't want you to drag your personal life into this, bring your wife into it...
NP: Peter Jones...
NP: You have 17 seconds on cockroaches starting now.
PJ: I've been talking about cockroaches it seems all evening! Anyway these little creatures, the black ones, are fairly unpleasant if you adopt a human standard in judging their appearance. But if one was a cockroach oneself...
NP: So Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went, gained other points in the round and he's in a positive lead at the end of the round. And we come to Kenneth Williams from whom we have not yet heard enough in this show. And the subject is very apt Kenneth, it is when I do my nut! Which you have been known to do in Just A Minute. But will you talk on the subject starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: I have a wingnut, thank goodness, because it unscrews very easily. And I call it mine, because when I went there, it didn't exist. I opened the flap, a sort of ventilation thing, to let the air in. And I couldn't get behind to clean it. So I removed it and made a hole where this wingnut goes in...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition of wingnut.
NP: Oh that's right, it is nut on the card, when I do my nut is on the card. So wing is a repetition and Peter you have a correct challenge, 33 seconds are left, when I do my nut starting now.
PJ: Well I don't very often do it. But I have to be driven to some form of it, you know, I really have to be pushed very hard...
NP: Clement Freud.
NP: Yes indeed, I don't know what it was.
CF: Have to be, have to be.
NP: Yes that's right, I mean the phrase. Right, 24 seconds with you Clement, on when I do my nut starting now.
CF: The French call it (speaks French), and the Germans (speaks German). But actually when I do my nut is an expression meaning when I behave like Kenneth Williams! Jumping up and down and screaming and behaving in an extraordinary fashion such as would be frowned upon in any gentleman's club in Pall Mall and probably throughout...
NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained the extra point and he's now moving up on Peter Jones, our leader. William Franklyn is in third place, Kenneth in fourth place. And Clement begins the next round. The subject is keeping a diary. Will you tell us something about that subject Clement starting now.
CF: I can't tell you a great deal about keeping a diary but it will probably last for 60 seconds. If you write about Adrian Mole, then you are incredibly successful and rich and become wealthy and have shows on in the West End. But the ordinary keeping of a diary is something that most people begin and very few finish up with. Politicians in particular tend to write words and notes and asterisks and messages on pieces of paper and preserve them in case some publisher should one day go up to them and say "have you ever kept a diary, in which case we will buy it and publish it for a great deal of money"... And politicians...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: I thought there was a hesitation.
NP: It was a hesitation.
CF: It was the end of a sentence and the beginning of a new paragraph!
KW: An awfully long pause!
NP: But in Just A Minute you can't pause before you begin the next sentence Clement. So Kenneth has a...
CF: Very difficult.
NP: ... correct challenge and as a diarist yourself Kenneth, will you tell us something about the subject with 19 seconds left starting now.
KW: It is a fascinating subject! I confide into my diary sometimes intimate things which I would never say to people. And when it came to actually publishing it, because of Clement Freud, The Diary Of A Nobody was an enormous success and continues to have reprint after more editions...
NP: So Kenneth Williams there speaking as the whistle went has now gained points and is in third place with William Franklyn, behind Clement Freud and Peter Jones in that order. And William your turn to begin, the subject, sexist advertising. Will you tell us something on that subject starting now.
WF: I think it's probably almost impossible to accept that advertising is sexist. Because in each advert there is something for every single person. It doesn't particularly separate. If it's for bras it could be for ladies or it could be for fellows. It could be for the viewer to take his own particular attitude towards it. Cakes and ales, it could be for either members of the human race...
NP: Clement has challenged.
WF: It makes no difference as I think the whole idea of...
CF: It could be that he repeated himself.
NP: It could be yes!
WF: Very well like that.
NP: It could be indeed Clement.
WF: It could be that I got lost.
NP: Thirty seconds, 36 seconds on sexist advertising Clement with you starting now.
CF: I'm rather concerned about all the people who worry about sexist advertising. It seems nowadays that if you even mention something particular to a woman, then ladies come along and say how disgraceful, this is sexist. Half the people in this world, if you look at them carefully, notice that they have non-protruding Adam's apples and are therefore females of the species. And yet push them on television, a picture, and make them wash up or do any of the normal things that folk do...
NP: Peter Jones challenged.
PJ: Ah hesitation.
NP: Yes. When he talked about the washing up he hesitated. No doubt he's done it himself. So there are four seconds for you Peter on sexist advertising starting now.
PJ: What they mean is pretty girls sitting on the bonnets of cars and...
NP: So Peter Jones has increased his lead with that extra point, speaking as the whistle went. And he takes the next subject which is anyone in the third row. So would you like to talk not, they're all in the third row here in the theatre, the Westminster Theatre in London, all in the third row looking very self-conscious at the moment! But actually the subject is anyone in the third row. So Peter talk on it if you can starting now.
PJ: Well the people in the third row look very much like the people in the second or fourth as far as I can imagine. If one examines them perhaps closely, I can see one who might conceivably be an international terrorist. And then there is a couple of sex maniacs. Then there's someone who is trying to give up smoking and biting their nails, they had been earlier on in the evening. And someone who would prefer to be sitting in the front row because they have got their hand cupped over their ear, and they can't hear too well. Many people probably wouldn't want to, but there are vacancies in the front row so if there's anyone in the third row who would like to move forward and better themselves and perhaps be in a better position to get the autographs...
NP: William Franklyn.
WF: Repetition of better.
NP: Better, better themselves and better position.
PJ: Oh yes yes.
NP: William you have 14 seconds, anyone in the third row starting now.
WF: Thick well developed thighs in rugby, and in the third row of any theatre that I have ever sat in, I think are a must. In order to be able to survive the pressures from behind in...
NP: so William Franklyn was speaking as the whistle went and gained the extra point. He didn't get many on the last time he was a guest, but he's got quite a few on this occasion. He's only one behind Clement Freud, he's ahead of Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones is still our leader. And Kenneth Williams begins the next round and the subject, handle. Will you tell us something about that Kenneth in Just A Minute starting now.
KW: I once had a very tricky situation to handle in a theatre when a lady was auditioning, she was a musician. And told the producer that with her harmonica she could render Chopin, Tchaicosky, and she added "I'm a dab hand with Handl! He's right up my alley!" And the producer said "that's where your mouth organ should be!" And there was this terrible scene, and I had to get around it because these awful potted palms were in the way. And another thing was we had a piper who was auditioning, if you please, for the Southern and Scottish, well I don't know the...
NP: William Franklyn challenged.
NP: Yes I think he did hesitate, it wasn't quite clear where he was going then. Seventeen seconds for you William on handle starting now.
WF: Handl's perrier music as it's better known across the water, found favour in French society in the nineteenth century, and eventually led to far less kidney stones on the Rhine. This is where that particular river touches the borders of France...
NP: So at the end of that round William Franklyn, our guest, has moved into second place, only just two points behind Peter Jones, our leader. And Clement Freud in third place begins the next round. The subject Clement is banks. Will you tell us something about those in this game starting now.
CF: Banks are immensely overrated institutions in which to keep money. And I would like to say one or two words about mattresses which are infinitely more suitable. Those things that you put on...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Well deviation, he's supposed to talk about banks, not mattresses.
PJ: Mattresses? I thought he said actresses! I was trying to work it out, I couldn't understand it!
NP: Clement I agree with I disagree with Kenneth, you have the subject, 48 seconds left, banks starting now.
CF: I want to tell all you misguided people in the audience who keep your cash in a bank that a mattress remains open 24 hours a day.
CF: Never, never ever insults the depositor...
NP: I'm sorry Clement, while the audience were laughing and clapping, Kenneth Williams pressed his buzzer.
KW: He's repeated mattress.
NP: He did repeat mattress.
CF: No! No! I did not! I said keeping money in mattresses and I said a mattress is never rude to you.
PJ: Yes because I thought he said actresses.
KW: That's right!
NP: So actually Clement you are correct, you did use the word mattresses the second time, and you continue with 37 seconds on banks starting now.
CF: I think it's probably time that I talked about banks. They are frightfully good places who look after your money, who sell you shares, options, deals, find someone to finance your business, and generally insult you unless you are terribly nice to them. The extraordinary thing about banks is that ladies and gentlemen believe they ought to dress up before they go in, as if it were a church or some other establishment of note. And I do want to say to anyone who is still listening and I realise there amy not be many people now, that if you are wearing dungarees or no shirt or you haven't done your hair...
CF: ... go to a bank!
NP: Well Clement Freud started with the subject of banks, and in spite of interruptions for which he gained points of course, and one for speaking as the whistle went, he has a number of points now, he is now equal in the lead with Peter Jones. William Franklyn your turn to begin, the subject mosquitoes. Will you tell us something on that subject starting now.
WF: The year was 1940, I was a student in Lancaster at the Regent Street Polytechnic which had been evacuated. In the back streets of that town in Lancashire were Waring and Giller who made furniture. But at this particular time looking through the window we saw the shapes of aircraft, which was unusual, because three-ply wood was being laminated, one surface to the another, by the carpenters who were working inside. Within a few weeks we were to discover that this furniture factory was producing the great Mosquito aircraft which was later to become the night fighter, the day fighter, the light bomber, that was to believe one of our saviours in the Second World War. Now...
CF: I said hurrah.
WF: Hurrah, yes! Well it turned out to be quite a big hurrah as it happens...
NP: Peter Jones challenged you during the hurrah.
WF: Oh did he?
NP: Hesitation, but as he was stopped in mid-flow...
WF: No no, I accept it was a hesitation.
NP: No, you did repeat yourself many times but nobody challenged you for that for some reason. They were being very generous to you William. So...
WF: Because they were fascinated in the story!
NP: ... you have another point, you were interrupted and you have 15 seconds on mosquitoes starting now.
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
WF: I thought he was going to start. I'm sorry, I thought Peter was going to start.
NP: Your name is William Franklyn, isn't it?
WF: No, no, I was thought, he'd interrupted me earlier on.
NP: No, it was William, it was Clement Freud who interrupted you.
WF: This is one of the most confusing evenings I've ever spent in my life!
PJ: I know it is! I know it is!
NP: For the benefit of our listeners, I ought to...
WF: When I think of all the things this evening I could have done...
PJ: You could have, you could have sold the Atkinson Grimshaw and gone to the south of France for a couple of weeks!
WF: I probably will when I get home!
NP: Right so Peter Jones, hesitation is correct, 14 seconds for you on mosquitoes starting now.
PJ: I suffer terribly from mosquito bites...
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: He didn't begin with well! He always begins with well!
NP: Give Clement a bonus point for a nice challenge, Peter Jones a point for an incorrect challenge, and Peter keeps the subject of mosquitoes, 11 seconds starting now.
PJ: My legs swell up in the most appalling way as if I had elephantiasis. But there is an electronic device operated by a battery, or I think you can latch it on to the mains, and this produces a sound...
NP: So Peter Jones is keeping going and increasing his lead. He's just ahead of Clement Freud and he's just ahead of William Franklyn, and Kenneth Williams for once is trailing a little. Peter your turn to begin, the subject is greed. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: Well one notices this in auctions. You find the place littered with actors who are eyeing all the articles, particularly the pictures. And hoping they're going to get them cheap, even though it may be a widow woman who is selling her homestead up in order to emigrate and work in a poorer country. Some thespian, or worse still, panellist, purchases this picture and sells it for 17 times as much as he paid for it! And so the wretched woman whose husband has died and she has children to support through school...
NP: William Franklyn has challenged.
WF: Wretched, wretched woman.
NP: Wretched woman.
WF: She reappeared.
PJ: I didn't say wretched woman before.
NP: Yes you did.
PJ: I said widow.
WF: You said wretched woman who was a widow.
NP: She was, you repeated the word woman.
PJ: I would have thought Bill, it would have been more becoming of you to keep quiet and let this sordid story come to an end as soon as possible. But if you insist on hearing...
WF: It has been so moving.
NP: Right Bill, William Franklyn...
WF: I have been so touched by it and so guilt ridden that I am very happy for you to continue...
NP: William no...
PJ: If the woman would like to write to me privately, I'll have a word with Mister Franklyn!
NP: Right, William Franklyn, it's, you have a correct challenge, you get a point of course, 16 seconds are left for greed starting now.
WF: The thought of a beige meringue is something that makes the juices fulminate for me, more than practically anything else. It is inevitably a form of greed. But it is something developed as a child, at my mother’s knee, when she whisked in a large...
NP: So at the end of that round, William Franklyn our guest was speaking as the whistle went, he's gained another point. He's now equal in second place with Clement Freud, they're trailing Peter Jones who is still our leader. And Kenneth Williams who is in fourth place is going to begin the next round. Kenneth the subject, trombones. Will you tell us something about those in this game starting now.
KW: They do put one in the mind of the brass band atmosphere, don't they. And the lovely song
(sings) Seventy-six trombones in the big parade
One hundred and ten cornets played the air.
(speaks) This delightful evocation of another time and perhaps a different place. I knew a trombonist and he pulled the thing out and pushed with such enormous panache that I said to him afterwards I am amazed you don't feel a bit of disgust because an awful lot of spit does go in. And he said "I don't mind it, it's the sort of thing you live with, you see." And of course, you often have these idiosyncrasies which attach to all kinds of instruments, quite apart from the trombone, although we couldn't be talking about anything except the trombone...
NP: Well Kenneth Williams started with the subject of trombones. And Kenneth you get a point for speaking as the whistle went, you get a bonus point for not being interrupted and you finish up in fourth place! There is no justice in Just A Minute! Let me tell you that the other three did extremely well, not only with what they contributed but with the points they gained. And our guest William Franklyn came back to triumph. Of course you wouldn't know, in the audience here, because you weren't here when he was playing the other week. But he came in second place equal with Clement Freud, our many time winner. And they were both behind this week's winner, our delightful and witty Peter Jones! So we hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again same time next week when we all take to the air and we play this delightful game. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.