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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, BARRY CRYER and IAN HISLOP, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 February 1986)
NOTE: Ian Hislop's last appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Barry Cryer and Ian Hislop in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we have two of our regular players, Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams. We have two guests. Barry Cryer who has played it a few times before, and Ian Hislop who is still a newcomer to the game. And once again I am going to ask them to speak on the subject that I will give them, without hesitation, repetition or deviating from that subject. We'll begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the subject, a lovely one, bubble baths. DEREK NIMMO: Oh! NP: Will you tell us something about bubble baths in Just A Minute starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: I only had one once, I thought it was rotten! I ended up with all this grease all over me, it was quite horrible! I think there's some oil in the stuff. I never repeated it, although I've seen films with girls lying in bubble baths, and I think the idea is that the nudity is somehow made acceptable under this condition. But I wouldn't want to be naked, whether I was in a bubble bath or not. I think clothes are essential. Because after all you've got somewhere to put your loose change and your things! BUZZ KW: I don't go along with all this talk about going back to nature... NP: I'm afraid Barry Cryer has challenged. Barry Cryer has challenged you. BARRY CRYER: I don't know whether this qualifies as deviation, but wearing clothes in the bath is an interesting... NP: No, but he was deviating from the subject, the subject of of bubble baths, by talking about clothes and where he puts his small change. So Barry you have the subject of bubble baths with 36 seconds starting now, sorry, 26 seconds. BC: The hiss and the gush of the tap as you invert the bottle or container. The spraying spume into the water and you look at it, dip a foot, a toe, and yet another member of your feetal appendage, thinking oh bliss is nigh! It is imminent as you subsume yourself with the fume... WHISTLE NP: That was an effort, wasn't it. You haven't played the game a great deal but you trail a little, you're only one behind our leader now Derek Nimmo, so keep it up. And Ian Hislop, will you take this round, the subject is blow. Quite simply, blow. Will you tell us something about it in the game starting now. IAN HISLOP: A blow can be something you receive from fate and life and circumstances which it takes a great deal of time to go over. Myself personally I have just received an appalling blow in that another house I'm trying to buy has just fallen through. I may seem to you to be preoccupied by the affairs of estate agents and similar organisations... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer challenged. BC: Deviation, he's never mentioned that in this show! NP: That is perfectly true, it was some time ago... BC: Oh it was weeks ago! NP: Yes, a long time ago! And he mentioned estate agents. And it was obvious from the audience reaction that they didn't have a clue what he was talking about. So um... BC: I think I heard it at home. I was sitting at home. NP: Were you? Well that was very very observant. BC: And your mattress, and I remember Ian talking about estate agents. NP: No, your little fetish, turning mattresses. BC: My little fetish yes. NP: So um Barry a good challenge and you have 39 seconds to talk on the subject of blow starting now. BC: The word suggests a blow by blow account, the world of Raymond Glendenning, W Barrington, Dalby with his inter-round summaries of boxing matches. Remember the young Eamonn Andrews, fresh from the peat box in England as a tyro... BUZZ NP: Ian Hislop challenged. IH: Slightly late, but I can't believe anyone here can remember a young Eamonn Andrews! NP: Ah yes but he wasn't actually deviating from blow. DN: I can remember a young Nicholas Parsons! NP: That's because we're about the same age. BC: But that model was discontinued! NP: So let's give Ian a bonus point because we enjoyed his challenge, but Barry gets a point because it was an incorrect challenge and he continues with blow with 22 seconds left starting now. BC: What do you think Barry Raymond was wont to say, well I think he's got a good left hand, a good right of the same gender... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Too good. NP: A good right hand and a good... BC: Very kind! NP: Fourteen seconds for you Derek on blow starting now. DN: (sings) A Bristol ship came down the river, blow, boys, blow A master... BUZZ NP: Ian Hislop challenged. IH: Ah no challenge at all, sorry. I give in completely. NP: Oh I thought you were going to challenge on the tune. Um... IH: No I was going to do that again but I thought I wouldn't bother, it was too good. NP: Oh but when you actually press your buzzer and interrupt like that, a the person does get a point because he's interrupted and his flow is gone. IH: Yes his flow, right. BC: His blow is gone. NP: His blow is gone as well, yes, so Derek another point and seven seconds on blow starting now. DN: (sings) And who do you think was skipper of her, blow, my bully boys, blow Why does he keep the one eyed... WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo got a number of points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went, and now he's in the lead. Barry please take the next round, which is terrarium. Can you tell us something about terrarium in Just A Minute starting now. BC: A terrarium is the plant equivalent of an aquarium, in so far as you place your leafy substances within a glass or plastic or perplex container, and then you talk to them. But this has disadvantages. They cannot hear you in there. And the air is rent with... BUZZ NP: Ian Hislop has challenged again. IH: Deviation from the truth again, I think there's quite good evidence that plants can hear. BC: Not when they're in the container. IH: Oh very much, from even behind glass. The Russians have proved this, I think you'll find. APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Oh that round of applause happened because Ian Hislop requested it, I must tell our listeners! BC: Two members of the KGB are in! NP: That was the most devious gesture that has been shown in Just A Minute. No I'm sorry, I cannot agree with you Ian. But we do like your attempts. There are 40 seconds left with you Barry on terrarium starting now. BC: I had one of these of an octagonal shape, being eight sided. So you could walk into a room from any angle or vantage point, gazing at what was in this container and... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of within. NP: Within you said before, the plants were within. And um... BC: Yes you're right, I must listen when I'm talking! NP: There are 37 seconds, no there are not, there are 27 seconds... BC: Pull yourself together, lad! NP: Well I have to do it backwards all the time! They have not yet... BC: Your problems are nothing to do with us! You were discharged from the clinic, you're on your own now! NP: Oh I set myself up for it, don't I! But that's why they keep engaging me. There we are, and I don't know... oh yes it is Derek, you have the subject of terrarium, and there are 27 and a half seconds starting now. DN: I must confess that I am to the world of terrariums what Danny La Rue is to sheet metal welding! Because I do find this to be the most unfortunate and unlikely object to possess. I've never wanted one, I've looked at them... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer challenged. SOUND OF GLASS CLINKING BC: And knocked his glass of water over! Um Danny La Rue was for several years a sheet metal welder. There is a direct relevance here thereby rendering null and void what he went on to say. NP: How do you know? BC: Danny was a sheet metal welder! I was his mate! NP: Now you've proved that you are not talking the truth. So Derek that was an incorrect challenge, you have 17 seconds on terrarium starting now. DN: One of the most interesting facts is that the KGB breed plants very specially to put into terrariums. And as a result of that, they hope to be able to spread the noxious fluid which is given away by some plants around the world, particularly in the underpopulated areas of the world. Now if there were too many terrariums around, I think we would all be in grave danger... WHISTLE NP: So Derek speaking as the whistle went, gained another point and has increased his lead. He's just ahead of Barry Cryer, with Ian Hislop and Kenneth Williams trailing a little. And Derek it's your turn to begin, the subject is Sunday lunch. Will you tell us something about that delicious subject starting now. DN: Well I generally put the roast beef into the oven just before I leave for matterns. Because if you have a nine pound piece of this meat it will be done in about two hours. So by the time you return from your devotions, it will be absolutely succulent and delicious and ready to eat. As soon as I get back, I have first of all a bloody Mary, generally constructed by my son-in-law who makes the most wondrous cocktail of this name, using of course vodka and tomato, fresh lime... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Well we've been so long on these cocktails and drinks, we're not really on Sunday lunch at all, are we. NP: No, good challenge Kenneth. We're going to hear from you on Sunday lunch with 24 seconds starting now. KW: With millions of Africans starving, here pet food groans on the shelf Everything's going to the dogs now, in fact I'm going myself. And I think we all eat far too much... BUZZ NP: Ian Hislop has challenged you. IH: Two goings. Everything's going to the dogs, I'm going there myself. NP: Going there myself. KW: Oh that's all right then. You're very very very good. NP: He's sharp, isn't he! KW: Very observant. NP: Yes, Ian you have a correct challenge, a point of course and 16 seconds on Sunday lunch starting now. IH: Sunday lunch is a time when most people, as er Barry Cryer has... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer challenged. BC: Sunday lunch is a time? I'm being pedantic again. Sunday lunch is not a time. NP: He said er. DN: I'd have the er if I was you. NP: The er yes. BC: What I was going on to say... IH: I was about to, I was about to talk about Sunday lunchers! BC: To err is human. IH: People like myself who eat lunch. NP: And it's a fault, breaching the rules of Just A Minute. BC: I was going on to say... NP: I know you were, you've said it now. So there are 12 seconds for you Barry on Sunday lunch starting now. BC: In our family... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: No of course not! Eleven and a half seconds Barry... KW: It's obvious! He hasn't got his act together has he. NP: ... starting now. BUZZ NP: And Ian Hislop challenged. KW: Look at him! IH: Ah hesitation there. NP: Hesitation Ian yes that was hesitation. BC: I didn't hear you starting me there! NP: Well you were wrapped and wreathed in smiles. BC: I was laughing at Kenneth, I had an attack of taste! NP: Ian you have 10 seconds on Sunday lunch starting now. IH: Sunday lunch in my family is always spelt in a, spent in a delightful pub... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Spelt spent. NP: Yes it's hesitation. Right six seconds on Sunday lunch Derek starting now. DN: The roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, cabbage, spuds, beans, lettuce, cauliflower, leeks and sprouts are some of the things I like to have for Sunday lunch... WHISTLE BUZZ NP: Ah Barry! And nobody got him on the roast. He had roast potatoes and roast beef before. Derek Nimmo got some more points, he's increased his lead over Barry Cryer. Ian Hislop's just behind and Kenneth's one behind him. And Ian begins the next round. And Ian the subject is clutch. Will you tell us something about clutch starting now. IH: Clutch is a part of the car which I never mastered very well. Apart from not having been able in the past few months to buy a house, which I may have mentioned before, I also have great difficulty in passing my driving test. I have dome so on a couple of times, not passed, but attempted to pass my driving test... BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo's challenged. DN: Passed a bit too frequently. NP: Yes he was passing a bit too... IH: The only thing I can't do! NP: There are 45 seconds on the subject of clutch Derek starting now. DN: I was walking along a dark alleyway on the Thames Embankment when I suddenly felt a hand clutching my throat. I screamed, well you would, wouldn't you really. Rather loudly. And I turned round and I saw the hand which I just repeated... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer got in, yes. BC: A lot of hands about. NP: Yes his hands... BC: A clutch of hands. NP: Right so 31 seconds are left for you Barry on the subject of clutch starting now. BC: This is the part of the car upon which ladies hang their handbags. And has been a source of mystery to me, a word in my lexicon which is my Greek car, a Greek version of the Sinclair C-5 which runs on uzo... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Two Greeks. NP: You got two Greek. BC: Two Greeks? NP: Yes. BC: Yes yes I see. NP: They weren't orthodox either. There are 20 seconds for you Kenneth on clutch starting now. KW: On a notable occasion I was present when Lord Baldwin took me into the hen house and said "there's a clutch of them here, they are very good layers". And he loved the brown ones. I thought when i saw them, they were very... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth you've now gone ahead. You're one ahead of Ian Hislop, but you're a little behind Barry Cryer who is trailing Derek Nimmo our leader. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, Thomas Malthus. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now. KW: Malthus maintained that there was only one thing which could control the growth of the world's population. And he thought, a theory that has largely been disproved, that it would be famine. And then he amended it to say that war would do the trick, and later on added birth control. And my (unintelligible) took him up on this... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer challenged you on that. BC: Kenneth started by saying Malthus had only one theory, and we've now had several. NP: Oh no, he's still on the same theory but... KW: Exactly! NP: It's all about controlling, controlling the population of the world. KW: Because after all, Einstein's modified his, hasn't he? NP: He was still... BC: I haven't seen it recently, I don't know! NP: If you've got personal evidence... BC: All things are relative! NP: Oh! Oh very clever and subtle! So Kenneth I disagree with the challenge and you still have Thomas Malthus to talk about and there are 27 and a half seconds starting now. KW: Thomas Malthus had a particular hobby which was ceramics. And he loved to go into a shed which was behind the house and work this potters wheel, and sing songs like (sings) tie a piece of string around your finger, and you'll remember me! (normal voice) People enjoyed hearing it and they would gather round to say "go on Tom, sing another chorus..." BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged you, I'm afraid. DN: Sing sing, repetition. NP: He was, you were singing, you repeated the word song yes. Sing another song, wrap a bit of string around your finger. KW: He also done Blow Out The Light, Beloved. That was very good. NP: Well rather you than me dear, that's all I... KW: From about the same period as Pluck The Heart Gently, My Pretty Louise. It used to go like a bomb in Huddersfield! BC: Oh they wouldn't let him off! KW: That's right! BC: They wouldn't let him off! KW: At the theatre, I mean you know, there were crowds, crowds lining up, the place was packed. I mean it was so packed he never got in himself. NP: Yes and he was top of the bill! KW: Yes! DN: Are we still talking about Thomas Malthus? KW: Yes wonderful act! NP: Oh wonderful! KW: Wonderful act! BC: That's right, he could be extra fun on the banjo! KW: That's right, and he said the landlady charged 15 bob a night for his use of cruet! NP: That's the other Thomas Malthus! The one who used to close the first half. BC: Don't put it back under the bed, the steam rusts the springs! NP: All the old theatrical jokes coming out. It shows you they are part of show business and they have been troupers in their time. Super troupers actually. There are three seconds for Derek Nimmo to talk on Thomas Malthus starting now. DN: Thomas Malthus greatly... admired Charles Darwin... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer challenged. BC: Hesitation. NP: I'm not surprised after that long way we had. Barry you've got in with one second to go on Thomas Malthus starting now. BC: This was a man... WHISTLE NP: So Barry Cryer, who says he only comes for the fun, and doesn't go for the winning, he's doing very well this week. He's now creeping up again on Derek Nimmo our leader, he's only three points behind and he's way ahead of Ian Hislop and Kenneth Williams. IH: I think my buzzer's not working actually. NP: Try it. BUZZ IH: Oh no! NP: Ah Barry it's your turn to begin and the subject is paradox. Will you tell us something about that subject in Just A Minute starting now. BC: Paradox, a noble band of men attached to the Parachute Regiment. They are the medical corps who sit in the plane with these gentlemen who are about to leap into the void and who knows what will happen in that oblivion to which they go. The attendants... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Its all just grinding to a halt. NP: You were helping him out, weren't you. So Kenneth you have a correct challenge with 39 seconds on paradox starting now. KW: It is the apparent contradiction that the word refers to. And it derives of course from dox which is in orthodoxy and means what is proper, and para, running with, as opposed to ortho which is one, as in ontological matters. Now that is very... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer challenged. BC: I have no idea what he's talking about! KW: There's nothing in the game that says you're supposed to know what I'm talking about! Because we are catering mostly for the sane! NP: And we've just got out of the asylum! So Barry he was deviating from the subject of paradox... BC: No no, I just said I didn't understand. I'm sure he wasn't deviating. I mean let us be fair. Let us draw a balanced picture here. NP: Well what, what was... BC: There was no, no challenge there, I just thought one wanted to draw a balanced picture on the whole thing, I thought... NP: So you don't want the subject? BC: What? NP: You don't want the subject because you can have it? For a correct challenge. BC: No I wasn't really challenging, I just got lost in the miasma... NP: Oh don't make my life even more confusing in this show than it is. You pressed your buzzer but you weren't challenging? BC: Right I am challenging, I've changed my mind. NP: What is it? BC: Deviation. NP: Yes well done! Eighteen seconds on paradox starting now. BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well he was hesitating I'm afraid. NP: He definitely was hesitating. Kenneth you've got 16 and a half seconds on paradox starting now. KW: A good illustration would be the disaster that occurred in Dunkirk and yet overnight Churchill went on the radio, and paradoxically it was turned into something miraculous and wonderful. Morale lifted, people spoke of it as an event of singular importance... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth Williams starting with the subject and in spite of interruptions finishing with it. Which meant of course he got a number of points in the round, including one for speaking as the whistle went. He is now not far behind Barry Cryer, who is only two points behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Ian Hislop is a little behind them. Derek begins the next round, radio telephones is the subject. Will you tell us something about those in the show Derek starting now. DN: Radio telephones is bound to be a very growth market in the next few years. I imagine that in one or two weeks or maybe months perhaps, or a little longer, you'll all be wandering around, in your pockets you'll have a little card rather like the credit one. And you'll be able to press that and dial anywhere in the world. It is going to change the whole way of communicating... BUZZ NP: Ian Hislop challenged. IH: Hesitation? NP: I agree Ian yes. So you have the subject of radio telephones and there are 41 seconds left starting now. IH: Radio telephones are often used by large men in cars. They are designed to prove that you have something to do all day, every minute of your life. They do not in fact convince people because most of them men sitting there are saying "hello dear, I'm late for the..." BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer challenged. BC: Repetition of men. NP: Yes I'm afraid you did repeat the word men Ian. So Barry has another point and 28 seconds on radio telephones starting now. BC: The in, one might almost say buzz word, is cellular which is a generic term covering the current area of radio telephones which are portable, highly mobile, which can be carried anywhere in your garden, on the street, in the abattoir, anywhere you find yourself... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Repetition of anywhere. NP: Yes you said anywhere. BC: Yes! Yes oh yes! NP: The magnanimous way you throw it away. BC: Well it's true! NP: Yes right, eight seconds for you Kenneth on radio telephones starting now. KW: I actually used one recently. I spoke to my mother because she said she'd got it in the oven... WHISTLE NP: Well we have a very interesting situation in Just A Minute because Kenneth Williams has got a number of points, he's caught up with Barry Cryer, and together they're only one point behind Derek Nimmo, with Ian Hislop a little way behind all of them. And Ian it's your turn to begin, catch up and the subject is power. Will you tell us something about or speak on the subject of par starting now. IH: Par, it's the term people Americans used for their fathers. I don't know whether any of you have seen The Waltons, a very popular American soap opera. But at night everybody goes to bed and says "good night Pa, have a nice evening Ma"... BUZZ NP: And Barry got in. So you go to sleep after that, do you Ian? Because you seemed to dry up. Barry had a challenge which is? BC: Hesitation. NP: I agree Barry, so now you're in the lead... DN: He just seemed to stop, didnā't he. BC: Yes he did, just drowned. IH: I couldn't remember who else there was in the house. BC: And you didn't want to say good night. IH: That's right. NP: So there we are, and I must tell you this is going to be the last round and you're now equal with our leader Barry. And you have the subject of par and 45 seconds starting now. BC: Golf is a game I used to play and no longer do, because it embarrasses everyone with whom I perform it. Par is a term, a measure of the average score for a hole below or above which all players are assessed, or even level with. Par, the hole, par... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. BC: (laughs) I'm in a bunker! DN: Oh! NP: It's difficult to keep going under pressure, with others breathing down your neck with agile minds as well, working topsy. Twenty-six seconds are left on the subject of par with you Derek Nimmo starting now. DN: There are two thousand three hundred Indonesian rupees equivalent to one pound. That means that they are ay par, one with another. Sometimes when one is travelling in eastern climes, it's very interesting to discover... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer challenged. BC: I heard a buzz before mine, but... NP: No... IH: It's my buzzer! It's clearly not working, I can see it. BC: Not being economically um au fait, but I didn't understand that last bit economically speaking. I thought it was a deviation from standard economic practice. And now the weather! NP: Well I don't even know what you're challenging so I can't work it out... DN: Deviation from the standard economic practice! BC: They are at par, one with another. NP: They are at par, one with another, yes because he was making out that they were on par with a pound, and then he said they were on par one with another. BC: Yes. NP: They can't be on... BC: That's where I got lost. Did the audience get lost there? Be honest. NP: So it must have been devious if we were all lost. So Barry you have 11 seconds on par starting now. BC: Dominic Harrod, an economic guru known in these portals, once told me that par was a key word that ran through economic... WHISTLE NP: Well we have come to the end of the contest with that last flourish from Barry Cryer, and that loud whistle from Ian Messiter. Let me give you the final score. Ian Hislop who did so well once before, did very well again. He didn't get a lot of points. Kenneth Williams did extremely well as usual, great value, and he was two points behind Derek Nimmo. But Barry Cryer, who has been our guest a number of times and always says he comes for the fun and to play the game... BC: I come fourth! NP: And has come forth as our winner this week, Barry Cryer! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, and will want to tune in again at the same time next week, when we take to the air and we play this delightful game. Until then from all of us here, good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin. |
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