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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SIMON BATES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 1 February 1986)
NOTE: Simon Bates's last appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Simon Bates in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you, oh you do make one feel welcome. Thank you so much, lovely warm audience and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard, we have three of our regulars, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones, Kenneth Williams. And we welcome a guest, Simon Bates. And once again I am going to ask our four panellists to speak or try and speak on the subject that I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. And the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of to start the show is luxury. Sixty seconds on that subject starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: Some people imagine it derives from the city of Luxor and it doesn't. It's from the Latin, luxuriar which means a plentiful abundance. And when I was a young lad, I well recall the song "oh that I live for a pound a week in luxury!" Now of course you couldn't exist on such a sum today. You would need considerably more. And we think of luxury as somebody, you know, who is conversant with that which is opulent and plentiful in supply and of course we think of someone reclining on velvet as opposed to a hard seat. And the lovely beautifully sprung divan with merino blankets and the warm male kiss of bedclothes that so caress you that you feel there has been no hard work at all in your life. You have just been living as if there... WHISTLE NP: Well what a luxurious way to start the show! Kenneth Williams starts it this week with the first subject and goes for 60 seconds without hesitation, repetition or deviation. So he gets a point for speaking as the whistle went at the end of the 60 seconds, but also an extra point, a bonus point for not being interrupted. Well done Kenneth! And nobody... so at the end of the first round, Kenneth has two points and nobody else has yet spoken except me! So Peter Jones will you take the subject now, what I did today. Will you tell us about that in the game starting now. PETER JONES: This morning I leapt out of bed and put on my track suit, ran round the park twice, and then went for the normal dip at Swiss Cottage Pool, where I did my normal 16 lengths. Went back home, ate a bit of Ryvita, cup of orange juice, read some Proust and then it was time for my music lesson. I haven't been giving many of those lately but there was one at 10 o'clock, a very apt pupil who I did my best for. And then after that I got down to the serious business of the day, which of course is helping other people. Like dogs across stiles and old ladies across the road... BUZZ NP: And you have been challenged, the first challenge of the show. Derek Nimmo? DEREK NIMMO: Deviation, he said he was helping other people, he was helping a dog. A dog isn't a person. PJ: In England, a dog is a person! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I think the audience reaction justifies Peter's point, so we'll let Peter keep the subject with a point for an incorrect challenge and you continue Peter with 19 seconds left on what I did today starting now. PJ: Well after that of course I woke up! And then I staggered across to the bathroom, splashed some cold water on my face, took two aspirins and sailed down to dinner! I mean breakfast... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of breakfast. NP: Yes you did have some breakfast before. DN: Ryvita. NP: Derek had a correct challenge, he has four seconds on what I did today starting now. DN: What I did today was to get up very early and start weeding and killing slugs which are in a great abundance... WHISTLE NP: And if there are anybody who are listening to Just A Minute for the first time, let me tell you that if the whistle, when the whistle is blown by Ian Messiter, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever speaks at that moment gets an extra point. And it was Derek Nimmo so he now has two points and so has Kenneth Williams. Peter has one and Simon has yet to speak. Derek would you take the next subject which is builders, Just A Minute starting now. DN: One of the first builders, in fact the very first built the tomb for the great Pharaoh Soza at Sikarra near Memphis in Egypt. It was started off as a great... tomb just square... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: I think that would be interpreted as hesitation Peter. So um you take over the subject of builders and there are 38 seconds, no there are not, there are 43 seconds left starting now. PJ: The relationship most people have with their builder is very like marriage. Because first there is a contract agreed, followed by a brief honeymoon, and then the trouble starts! Now if... APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE PJ: That's dried me up! You shouldn't have clapped! Ah... BUZZ NP: That's the awful thing! If you're successful in this game and get a round of applause, it completely throws you off track. PJ: Yes. NP: And Kenneth Williams got in with a challenge. KW: Yes I thought it was rather drying up, wasn't it. NP: Yes it was, you see, and that I think is the only way to interpret it. If you're so successful Peter that the audience clap, and then you pause and you can't get going, then you are guilty. PJ: Yes. NP: So Kenneth... KW: Yes? NP: You have a correct challenge, you have 24 seconds, the subject is builders and you begin now. KW: One thinks immediately of Mister Cupit and the wonderful work he did building those incredible houses in Belgravia and draining Pimlico, which was up to that point, a marsh. And is described by Clun as the refuge of ne'er-do-wells, layabouts and actors! I found that most interesting to read and seeing those wonderful pillared porticoes... WHISTLE NP: Well Kenneth really is in fine form tonight. There he kept going until the whistle went, got an extra point for speaking as he did so. And now of course he is definitely in the lead. He has four points at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo is three, Peter Jones is two, and Simon Bates who has yet to, no he's just about to now. So Simon, the next subject is brinkmanship. Will you begin with this one, you have 60 seconds starting now. SIMON BATES: The world of brinkmanship is very much a subject that is suitable for this show. Because when you think about it, we have three experts at the art of brinkmanship, that is the art that the human being has mastered to step forward and plunge his foot firmly into his mouth at that moment when he thinks everything about him is going to go wrong. However at the very last moment he saves the situation by removing the foot from his mouth and... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. SB: Oh no! PJ: Ah foot in mouth trouble! NP: Yes! SB: You swine, you're right! NP: Yes there we are! Anyway Simon you kept going for 25 seconds and ah it was Peter Jones who has now got the subject and there are 35 seconds left, brinkmanship Peter starting now. PJ: Well it means, I suppose, teetering on the brink. In my youth I knew a number of girls who used to do this. Occasionally they would take the plunge but it wasn't very often. But ah... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Fortunately he hesitated! NP: Yes, well having thought about those girls, I'm not surprised! There are 21 and a half seconds for brinkmanship with you Derek starting now. DN: The phrase coined by Adlai Stevenson about John Foster Dulles, bringing people to the edge of war, which is of course what we do on this programme. You see, we bait Nicholas Parsons as far and as hard as we possibly can. But we draw back just in time so that he won't disqualify us and give, award a point against us... BUZZ NP: Ah Simon Bates. SB: Hesitation I think, very much. NP: Simon Bates, three seconds left, brinkmanship with a point for a correct challenge starting now. SB: Brinkmanship is the utterly terrifying... WHISTLE NP: Right! SB: Thank you, dear audience! NP: Simon Bates kept going magnificently for three seconds and spoke as the whistle went. So he gained a point and he's now... still in fourth place! And Kenneth Williams, we're back with you. Will you take the subject now of Queen Victoria. I'm sure you'd love to take Queen Victoria, but will you tell us something about her in the game starting now. KW: Oh what a century it's been George the Third to Queen Victoria. We never had to sing sic transit gloria! What innovation we've seen A British transformation it's been. The birth of Queen Victoria, the death of William Pitt And then we won the battle of Waterloo, which gave our island story such a lift, you must admit. And if you don't, I do! We've embarked on a war in Crimea and even a little large And cheered the charge of the light brigade no matter how they charged And then those swine in China, they did most... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of charged. KW: (continues to recite unintelligibly) NP: I'm sorry Kenneth, I know you're in full flood and full flight and all that, but Peter had actually challenged you. KW: What is that old fart doing now? NP: Well... KW: Someone should, he used to, he used to, he used to have a minder. Why don't they take him home? Bring that chair on with the wheels and take him off! NP: You usually reserve those remarks for me, why has it suddenly gone to Peter? PJ: He has to use them somehow or other! KW: Well I've come all the way from Great Portland Street! And I don't expect to be treated like a load of rubbish! NP: What is your challenge Peter? PJ: Ah I can't avoid him being treated like a load of rubbish. Ah it was a challenge, it was a repetition of charged. NP: No I was listening Peter, he said charged and charge. PJ: Did he? NP: He talked about the charge of the light brigade and then later on he talked about them charged. So I'm afraid it was an incorrect challenge. PJ: I see. NP: So if we can wind Kenneth up again, he might yet go back on Queen Victoria with the same panache and style that he displayed before, and there are 32 and a half seconds starting now. KW: I read the biography of this great Queen by Lady Longford. And I was moved to tears when it came to the scene that occurred at the Palace, Buckingham of course, at the death of the prince... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of of course. NP: No, he didn't say of course before. KW: Quite right! Quite right! NP: No he's not, he often says it but not in this round. DN: No, he did in the first part actually. PJ: Yeah he did, I remember. SB: Yes actually he did. NP: As I'm chairman and I don't remember, I'm going... KW: You're a very good chairman! Don't worry yourself! Because you know what you're talking about! You've got natural authority, right! NP: When I'm, when I'm on your side Kenneth, yes... KW: You can always tell a bloke who knows what's what! NP: Right there are 20 seconds left with another point to you Kenneth, Queen Victoria starting now. KW: Contrary to the fallacy that has always been put abroad, she never said "I am not amused". She frequently showed great flashes of humour in the Highland Journals... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of great. NP: Yes he did talk about something being great at the beginning, you... KW: But that's on the card, the great Queen Victoria. NP: No, it's just Queen Victoria. KW: It's on my card, great. NP: You read it, you've written it down there. Anyway if you're going to bring your own cards in and write down your own subjects, you, you really are being a bit devious there. No Peter, I agree with your challenge on this occasion there are nine seconds left on Queen Victoria with you starting now. PJ: She was the great Queen who made Anna Neagle famous, or it may have been the other way round. In any case the film which did depict her... WHISTLE NP: So on that occasion Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went, gained that all important extra point. He's now in second place, one point behind Kenneth Williams who is still in the lead. And Peter it is your turn to begin, the subject is breaststroke. Will you tell us something about... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: There's nothing funny about that. It's a perfectly natural and normal form of swimming! PJ: Well that's what I was going to say! NP: Well you can still it. PJ: I know but it will be boring, even more boring the second time round. Anyway what can I do with a subject like that? NP: Well I'm, you have 60 seconds starting now. PJ: It is a very boring swimming stroke, rather froglike. Best to get a bosom pal, and then you get very slowly to the other side of a narrow pool, and then you reverse... BUZZ NP: Ah Kenneth Williams. KW: He said very slowly and very, two verys. PJ: Two verys, there were yes, I must admit to that. NP: Right so there are 46 seconds for you Kenneth, you've got another point for the correct challenge and you have breaststroke starting now. KW: When the great Queen Victoria went out of her bathing machine in Rockingdean she did the breaststroke. Now then a lot of people said she was trained in this by her gilly, who was called John Brown, after which the song was written "d'ye ken John Brown, with his coat so gay..." BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: We had John Brown twice. NP: Yes you had John Brown. KW: Oh did you? Oh I beg your pardon. NP: And the song was "d'ye ken John Peel" as well. KW: I apologise most humbly. NP: But I prefer d'ye ken John Brown, I think that's nice. Right there are 23 seconds for you Derek Nimmo on breaststroke starting now. DN: The last time I did the breaststroke was swimming in the southern part of Amman from the silver beach out to the rocks on which there were lots of oysters. I trailed behind me a wonderful bottle of (unintelligible) champagne. When I got to these tiny sea creatures, I got a knife and opened one and ate it, squealing, it went down my throat. It was the most extraordinary sound. And then I did the breaststroke very gently round the bay... WHISTLE NP: Well what a thought, this oyster squealing down his throat! Derek you were speaking as the whistle went, you gained the extra point, and you are now in second place, one behind Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones is two behind our leader Kenneth Williams and Simon Bates is three or four behind our leader. Derek it's your turn to begin, the subject is waterfalls. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now. DN: The highest waterfall in the world is Santo Anjell in Venezuela. It's over three thousand feet tall. But my favourite waterfall of all I suppose is one that I saw on the South island of New Zealand. I was flown out there by a little private commercial aeroplane to the top of Mount Cook, and I transferred to a Cesna. And then we flew down to the Sutherland Falls. This waterfall cascades down some 20 thousand inches because I can't say the other word in, and into the snow that is plastered below. It is the most lovely sight... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of thousand. NP: Yes. You're right and Peter you have the subject with 22 seconds, waterfalls starting now. PJ: A very charming one at Bethycoed and another one at Llangothlyn in Wales. Very modest affairs, quite small, the water only falls ah in one of the places about two feet... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Er. NP: Yes it was a definite er, it only falls er in one of the places. PJ: Yeah yes. NP: So Derek you have the subject with 12 seconds, waterfalls starting now. DN: The biggest waterfall in the world is the Gerra in Brazil and it is calculated that one fifth of a second would fill the whole dome of St Paul's Cathedral so rapidly does the water flow... WHISTLE NP: Of course getting it to Venezuela would be the problem! NP: Yes! So Derek Nimmo was once again speaking as the whistle went and he's now taken the lead, one ahead of Kenneth Williams. Simon Bates your turn to begin and after the subject of brinkmanship we have an even more serious subject for you to talk about this time, it is the sex life of a ping pong ball. So can you tell us something about that... DN: Oh really! NP: ... for 60 seconds if you can starting now. SB: It is very important to understand that the sex life of a ping pong ball is very limited. The first problem is that nobody knows how to identify that gender that makes up the ping pong ball's interest in another ping pong ball. So first of all we have to say that the ping pong ball male differs in no way at all from the ping pong ball female. Which makes an enormous difficulty for any ping pong ball that may happen to go out on a Saturday night and look for another ping pong ball for a bit of scruffy on the side! If you are a ping pong ball and you are pink, then a ping pong ball that is blue may identify itself to you as being a ping pong ball that is good for a bit of... BUZZ SB: I've repeated my bit of, haven't I! I know what I meant! NP: I think you did jolly well. You kept going for 43 seconds, well done yes. Seventeen seconds for the sex life of a ping pong ball with you Derek starting now. DN: I would rather have talked about cuffling cricket bats or are golf clubs bent than ping pong balls... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Well he's just given us two subjects that he'd rather discuss and he's deviating. PJ: Quite right! NP: I think that's a good challenge yes. So Kenneth you have 13 seconds to tell us something about the sex life of a ping pong ball starting now. KW: This was first commented upon by Ludwig Koch! Now you remember that he spent a whole night playing ping pong in the rain swept forests of Peru, and had to perform under... WHISTLE NP: So getting that extra point at the end, Kenneth Williams is now back in the lead with Derek Nimmo. Peter Jones a little behind and Simon Bates trailing a little behind him. And Kenneth your turn to begin and the subject for you this time is bath night. Will you tell us something about bath night in Just A Minute starting now. KW: Bath night, that's right for me, because I spent one night in Bath and that was quite enough! I can't tell you what a dreary little pretentious dump with those flower baskets in the street and all this awful brown stone everywhere. I was led to believe that apparently this popularity arose from the fact that they thought they were waters there possessing some sort of medicinal qualities. And people went with gout and all kinds of inflammations of the groin, and sat in this water, all, I might add, to no effect whatsoever. But year in year out, the fools... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Two years. NP: Yes, year in year out. Right, 17 seconds are left for bath night with you Derek starting now. DN: The knights of the bath, an ancient order founded by Henry the Fourth. And they actually used to immerse themselves, baptise themselves almost in a bath of water. This ceremony went on in fact until the coronation of Charles the Second. But what most of us think about as bath night is that lovely jolly... WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo has taken the lead once again, ahead of Kenneth Williams, with Peter Jones and Simon Bates trailing a little. Peter your turn to begin, Peter the subject is fibbing. Can you tell us something about fibbing in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well I believe if you fib on a grand scale, then people are more likely to believe it. This was Hitler's theory. Not that he would have done very well on this programme, he was always repeating himself! But I suppose fibbing is a kind of minor juvenile type of er untruth. It's usually condoned... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Type of er untruth. Hesitation. PJ: It's a vocal mannerism! NP: I know but you can't use those vocal mannerisms on Just A Minute, I'm afraid Peter. PJ: I don't know what I'm doing on this programme! NP: Well I can tell you you're doing extremely well. Kenneth there are 42 seconds for you to talk on the subject of fibbing starting now. KW: I did this when I was very very young and the principal said to me... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: He repeated very. NP: Yes very very young. PJ: It was the third word he said! NP: Very very young you said. KW: Did I? NP: Yes because you were doing that, one of your characterisations... KW: Oh I see! I had no idea! NP: Yeah so Peter's got the subject back, so this is how you get points... PJ: Ah yes yes quite! NP: So you're surging ahead and there are 37 seconds for fibbing starting now. PJ: I associate fibs and fibbing with white lies. Things that are permitted when one is young, or in a difficult... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of young. The first time he said it... NP: Yes you did say young. PJ: No, I said er-young before! NP: Derek you have got in with 31 seconds on fibbing starting now. DN: Some examples of a minor fib would be if I was to say that Nicholas Parsons is an intellectual giant! Well one would not mind me saying that really, but it would be an example of fibbing. And I would be terribly sorry if you actually thought that I meant what I said. Because in fact he's an absolute total bounder, and stupid and foolish oaf. But that would be very hard and would not be a nice thing to say, so I won't say that. I will tell you that he is one of the most charming people that I've ever met in the whole wide world... WHISTLE NP: And the whistle stopped you from saying that I'm now telling fibs! Right, so we didn't, he got a nice compliment in for once about me, and the audience clapped which is very nice. Thank you very much. At the 60 seconds, Derek was speaking and I think he's in the lead, yes, he is a little ahead of Kenneth Williams then Peter Jones and then Simon Bates. And Derek your turn to begin, the subject is magnet. Will you tell us a little about that attracting subject in the game starting now. DN: To be attracted by a magnet, to be that often brings to mind Nicholas Parsons' wife, Denise. I am attracted to her absolutely amazingly, she is the most beautiful woman. And how she's been married to that man for so long, I never know. But she is a magnet, not only to me, but all kinds of American producers. He's told me about one. She has just been doing this film about The Wizard Of Oz or something, and he's been round there by the minute. You see she is a magnet, a very wonderful woman. But also of course, one could think of Magnet Mountain, which in ancient legend they used to say that when a boat sailed by, the nails of the ship were taken from it by the magnet, and took them towards them. I don't really believe it. And then there was Captain Cook who named an island Magnet... I-S-L-A-N-D.... BUZZ NP: And Simon Bates has challenged. SB: Hesitation. NP: It was indeed Simon, well done. And you have another point for that, you take over the subject of magnet and there are 13 seconds starting now. SB: There are two things to talk about in terms of magnets. First of all, magnets as in magnetism, and secondly, magnets as in being attracted to somebody. For example I am very attracted to Peter Jones... WHISTLE NP: So Simon Bates was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and he has moved forward and remained in the place he was before. But Simon it was your first time on the show. And as we've now reached the end, let me tell you that though you finished in fourth place, you did contribute a great deal, and we have loved having you as a guest. I hope you might return in one of our future editions. SB: Oh that would be lovely. NP: Peter Jones, you finished in third place, just behind Kenneth Williams who was for so long in the lead. But in the end he was overtaken and this week our winner was once more Derek Nimmo! Well you hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, and will want to tune in again same time next week when once more we take to the sound waves of the air and we play this delightfully ridiculous game. Until then from all of us here, good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin. |
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