WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, GYLES BRANDRETH and TIM RICE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 4 January 1986)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Tim Rice and Gyles Brandreth in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you all about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard from our announcer, we have two guests playing the game this week, they've been with us before, that's Tim Rice and Gyles Brandreth. And of course two of our regulars, Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud. And once again I am going to ask them to try and speak for Just A Minute on the subject that I give them without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And we'll begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth the subject is doppelganger. That is the one Ian Messiter's thought of to start the show, can you talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Doppelganger. It's derived from two words, one which means double, the other I'm outgoing. And the other (unintelligible) which is existing in the word always in spite of your ignorance to such subjects is someone who actually bears the most uncanny resemblance to you. And it was used to great effect in the War by our department for that sort of thing when they dressed up somebody to look like General Montgomery. And it was so convincing that he moved to North Africa, lo and behold, he lured some troops to Tibruk, and troops cheering he said what...
NP: Well what a way to start an edition of Just A Minute! Kenneth took the subject and didn't hesitate, deviate or repeat himself, kept going for 60 seconds. So he gets a point of course for speaking as the whistle went, but also an extra point for not being interrupted. And at the end of the first round, Kenneth Williams is in a commanding lead. We haven't heard from the others yet. So let's just ask Tim Rice to take the next round. Tim the subject is fashion. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.
TIM RICE: Fashion comes and go. What is fashionable in one era is not in another. I would like to illustrate this by quoting from a well-known poem about a Canadian lumberjack.
I see you are a logger
And not a common bum
For nobody but one of those people I described in the title
Stirs coffee with his thumb.
Coffee stirring is...
NP: And um Clement you pressed your buzzer, what is your challenge?
CLEMENT FREUD: He repeated coffee.
NP: I think Clement you have a correct challenge, a point for that. You take over the subject of fashion and there are 38 seconds left starting now.
CF: Fashion is very much a moveable feast. And the people who...
NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged.
GYLES BRANDRETH: Hesitation.
NP: I thought...
KW: Yes very hesitant, I thought! Very!
NP: You have a point and we hear from you on the subject of fashion with 34 seconds left starting now.
GB: I'm happy to say that I'm considered to be generally in the forefront of fashion, particularly when it comes to knitwear...
NP: Tim, Tim er, Tim Rice has challenged.
TR: Deviation, this is totally untrue!
GB: Oh! Oh! You are speaking Tim to the runner-up in the Sweater Man Of The Year award!
NP: He wasn't actually deviating, you see, so we leave it with Gyles with 29 seconds left starting now.
GB: Not only do I have the most interesting selection of marvellous jumpers, I always have edible underwear. Now this is a fashion feature that has not long been universally recognised but it's something that is marvellous to nibble. Think of having a string vest that when you really get a little bit peckish, all you need to do is strip off the outer garments, lower your jaws to your own tummy button, and begin chewing away! It's so nourishing, it's so nice, it's so mystic...
NP: And no, Clement challenged just before the whistle blew. Clement?
CF: Three if sos.
NP: Yes we let one so go, I mean two sos go...
KW: Well I think with a guest you should let a small thing like that. I mean after all where are our manners? Have we got no manners in this country today? Are we going to the dogs?
NP: Kenneth! You're going over the top! For goodness sake, I mean we do allow a little licence on small words, but when it's repeated...
KW: Just a small word like S-O?
NP: Yes in quick succession! So I agree with Clement so he has one second on fashion starting...
KW: Well that's a trick! Because if he's only got one second, he'll win!
NP: Well he'll win a point yes. Half a second starting now.
CF: Manipulation of young...
KW: They're not clapping because they don't approve!
NP: You're right...
KW: That's a rotten hand because they don't approve.
NP: So Clement speaking as the whistle went got that point and he has now taken the lead ahead of Gyles Brandreth and Kenneth Williams and he also begins the next round. Clement the subject is reading instructions. Would you tell us something about that subject in the game starting now.
CF: I'm not actually very good at reading instructions. Although staying in an American hotel and picking up the Gideon Bible, I noticed many instructions on the flyleaf. Like "if you cannot find in this book what you are searching for, please ring 469387 which I..."
NP: Gyles Brandreth has challenged.
GB: No reason to give out my phone number like this!
NP: Well nobody knew it was your telephone number until you drew our attention to it Gyles. So Clement keeps the subject and there are 34, no there are not, there are 39...
KW: He can't work out the score! Look at him!
NP: I'm still subtracting from 60! There are 39 seconds left, reading instructions Clement starting now.
CF: On tins and cans and jars of food, you have instructions like pierce and push off. Also dates, beyond which you are ill advised to open and eat the content. Instructions frequently seem to me to miss out the most important point...
NP: Ah Tim?
TR: Repetition of the word important. He used it at the very beginning of this long and boring...
NP: Yes he did so well listened Tim and you have 19 seconds on reading instructions starting now.
TR: If I was given reading instructions, I would start with the fundamentals, viz the alphabet. I would say to a child start with A, B, C, D, then E, F, G, followed by H, then I, J, K, L, M, next N, O, P, Q...
NP: Well Tim Rice, being a master of words, cleverly took the subject and kept going till the whistle went and he is now equal in second place with Gyles Brandreth and Kenneth Williams who are trailing Clement Freud who is still the leader.
CF: A man of letters rather than a master of words!
NP: Well I think he could be both of you like. He's a master of words and a man of letters, they're slightly different I think actually. As a writer and a lyricist and those things.
TR: I hope this bit's not edited out!
NP: Gyles it's your turn to begin. The subject is things I keep in jam jars. Would you tell us something about that starting now.
GB: The chief things I keep in jam jars are parts of my body. Bits of my personal anatomy, not while they are still attached to me, I hasten to add. This is not a form of personal hygiene. No, what I am discussing is severed members, particularly my appendix. This is where the obsession began. At the age of 11, in order to get out of playing a game of rugby at my school, I pretended to have a stomach ache. The result was that a few hours later a surgeon at the local hospital removed my appendix which was totally...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Unless he had two appendices?
NP: Your appendix came up a second time which is repetition in Just A Minute Gyles. So I'm afraid Clement has the subject with 22 and a half seconds, things I keep in jam jars Clement starting now.
CF: Things I keep in jam jars are predominantly jam. Plum, damson, orange, lemon, grapefruit, pear, banana, peach, and many other fruits beginning with the letters A, B, C, D, and numbered one, two, three, four, in jars which are made of glass, aluminium...
NP: Gyles has challenged again.
NP: Of what?
GB: Of fruit.
NP: Oh no no, Gyles it's the repetition of a word, that's the rules of the game. You have played it before...
GB: No no, the word that was repeated was the word fruit. He repeated it.
KW: Yes yes.
GB: Earlier on he said...
NP: Oh I see, yes, I'm sorry yes...
GB: He named damson and then recapitulating he repeated it...
NP: Yes the word fruit, I'm sorry yes.
CF: No he mentioned grapefruit which is not fruit. Grapefruit is grapefruit.
TR: Grapefruit is a fruit, surely!
NP: You did mention fruit before. Gyles has the subject and there are seven seconds, things I keep in jam jars Gyles starting now.
GB: I never ever ever keep all...
NP: Oh... and Tim I think we know your challenge. You got in fast on this...
TR: Yes repetition, ever.
NP: Five, yes seconds, things I keep in jam jars starting now.
TR: Time after era I have discovered that it is extremely difficult to get the things you want...
NP: So Clement Freud is still in the lead, Tim Rice has taken second place, Gyles is one behind and one behind him comes Kenneth Williams who begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is bark. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
KW: Bach once walked all the way, for he hadn't the money for a carriage, to the Marion Theatre in Lubbock. Because he worshipped this great man, Atisha, as well as a composer who was called Vestiget. And now I thought it was very interesting because this composer had done a piece...
NP: Tim Rice has challenged.
TR: Composer came up twice.
KW: Yes but I mean that's neither here nor there! It's very interesting what I'm going to say! But this piece he'd done was the Trio Sonata and it went da-da-da-da-diddle-dee-diddle-diddle-dee, and Bach said "isn't that awfully like Autumn Leaves Falling By My Window" because that had been sung by Burl Ives. And he said "did you pinch it off him?" you see. And that was the point I was trying to make.
NP: I know, but if you'd saved it you might have got in again...
KW: Well I can't get it in now, not after him! The great bully! I don't know why they have him on the show, I really don't! He's an absolute bully! Jolly nasty too!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
KW: Thank you! Thank you very much!
NP: Tim Rice had a correct challenge so 31 seconds for you Tim on bark starting now.
TR: Johan Sebastian Bach, it is very appropriate that we should be discussing this great magnificent superb wonderful composer at this moment in time because 1685 was the year of his birth, and here we are exactly 300... 12 month periods...
NP: Gyles challenged.
GB: Yes I think it was either an impression of Clement Freud or a hesitation.
NP: It was hesitation.
NP: And it was nothing like Clement Freud, he definitely paused. And you have the subject Gyles, and there are 16 seconds on bark starting now.
GB: The bark is worse than his bite...
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
NP: Yes absolutely.
GB: Oh! Oh!
NP: He's got his own back on you. I'll tell you what I'll do. Let's give Clement a point for that challenge because he deserves it, he was making a point...
CF: No, I want the subject.
NP: No, you haven't got the subject.
GB: I'll have, I'll have the point, he can have the subject. He must be at home with barking!
KW: No! The chairman is the one who decides! You jolly well can't be the chairman! Who do you think you are! It's the chairman who decides obviously and we've got a chairman who has got authority, I can tell you that much! He's got enormous authority! You've only got to look at him! I mean, yes!
NP: Wait till I give a decision against him! Ah thank you Kenneth that's very very charming of you. There are 15 seconds, still with you Gyles, bark starting now.
GB: When I first encountered that distinguished man of letters and words, Clement Freud, I was dressed in a dogskin, that of the canine animal Snoopy. And my bark was an extraordinary sound to hear. Woof went the animal...
NP: So Gyles Brandreth got a number of points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went, and he's now equal in the lead with Clement Freud. And Tim Rice you begin the next round. The subject Tim, is weaverfish. Can you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.
TR: Frankly not a lot. If I was asked to weave a fish I would think this would be an impractical exercise. Mainly the reason being that a woven fish would probably not float. It would be not waterproof. Who in their right mind would give a moment's consideration to this impossible task? First you would have to get hold of a needle and thread. I rather wish someone would interrupt me because...
NP: Kenneth Williams has helped.
KW: Well he asked me to, didn't he.
NP: Kenneth you have the subject and there are um 37 seconds on weaverfish starting now.
KW: Weaverfish are so called because their excreta manufactures a sort of tapestry. And this makes them look as if they've actually been weaving. And people say "how delightful those little patterns are in the water" though frankly I think they're rather disgusting...
NP: Tim Rice has challenged.
TR: I think this is, A, unsuitable for broadcasting, and B, has to be deviation. I don't believe a word of this!
NP: Oh it's absolutely true, I can assure you! Haven't you ever been on the beach and seen them, those little patterns that they weave there? That's why they're called weaverfish.
KW: You didn't know this? I've never met such incredible ignorance! Never met anyone like it!
NP: Don't worry, it'll be in the next musical in the West End! Kenneth you have another point and the subject still, 20 seconds are left on weaverfish starting now.
KW: I had a weaverfish once in a little aquarium. I say the word, well I don't actually say that again, but I said minimum amount of...
NP: Gyles Brandreth.
GB: Well I hesitate because Kenneth is such a nice person and I admire and like him so much...
NP: Get to the point!
GB: We had three says.
NP: We did have three says.
GB: In as many phrases.
NP: Yes and you were had on three sos so three says are well off. And there are 11 seconds for you Gyles on weaverfish starting now.
GB: The last time I ate weaverfish was at Broadstairs when they were fried, and delicious they were too, with some chips on the side, served at Mrs Bostock's lovely guest house. She is by far the best...
NP: So Gyles Brandreth speaking as the whistle went and of course another point in the round. So he's now taken the lead at the end of the round, ahead of Clement Freud who begins the next round. And following weaverfish and what Gyles was just telling us, the next subject is unusual food. So Clement will you tell us about that subject starting now.
CF: I was in the Harbour Cafe Calais last week, where I had probably the most unusual food I've ever come across. It was not only unusual, it was absolutely disgusting. Everything that was on sale to the people, and it cost a great deal of money, was stale, old, discoloured, disfigured, and quite nasty. I had for instance to give you an idea of the sort of taste that a Member of Parliament these days is um...
KW: Well I wanted to know what he was going to eat!
NP: Hesitation indeed. He'd absolutely run out of things to say for once in his life. Thirty-one seconds are left for you Tim on unusual food starting now.
TR: We might think in this great country of ours that eating dog was unusual. But there are many territories across this wide beautiful seven thousand nine hundred and 27 miles in diameter earth of ours in which dog eating...
NP: Gyles Brandreth has challenged.
GB: Repetition of dog.
TR: No, it was dog eating, is one word.
GB: Dog eat dog, yeah yeah! The RSPCA will be on to you anyway.
NP: I give the benefit of the doubt to Gyles and tell him he has 19 seconds on unusual food starting now.
GB: On an excursion to Iceland recently, in the capital city of Reykjavik, I tasted for the first time reindeer. Now of course I felt very guilty about this because Rudolph has long been a creature that I have admired. But I must tell you that the haunch of this beast is absolutely superb, delicate, and in its own way gamey with a lovely rich sauce made in...
NP: So Gyles Brandreth, our guest who has played the game a number of times before, is now running away with more points there for speaking as the whistle, well, more points? One point for speaking as the whistle went, but more points in the round. He's taken a commanding lead ahead of Clement Freud and Tim Rice, and Kenneth Williams is trailing a little. And Kenneth also begins the next round. The subject Kenneth, continental breakfast. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
KW: Continental breakfast is a term used by hotels to camouflage a load of rubbish!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
KW: What you want is a meal consisting of a, say, a little fruit, and then eggs and bacon, perhaps a little fried bread, some macaroons and chips, and perhaps a dollop...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Two perhapses coming after two littles.
KW: He is just jealous, you see! He is just jealous because as I started, there was a tremendous round, they all loved it, and you didn't like it! Because you can't stand, you can't stand my enormous popularity, you see!
NP: I know but you did say two littles.
KW: (in tears) All right, I admit it! I admit it! But one day they're going to be coming round to my door and they'll be making me a very nice proposition!
KW: It'll be better than anything I'm getting here, I can tell you!
NP: Well I think you deserve a round of applause for your histrionics!
KW: No, let him have the subject!
NP: He's going to have it. But as the arbiter in the game, I have to stick to the rules and you did repeat yourself. So Clement has the subject of continental breakfast with 31 and a half seconds starting now.
CF: In the term continental breakfast, the word continental is a mark of denigration. Showing very little in different foods such as croissants, brioche, tea, coffee or chocolate, butter and marmalade. A fine English breakfast on the other hand consisting of kipper or haddock, eggs, bacon, sausage and mushrooms, grilled tomato, and the full panoply of all those things that are best to wake up to. I think it was Somerset Maugham who said breakfast is the best meal served at the wrong time of day...
NP: Well Clement kept going until the whistle went and now he's taken the lead in spite of the fact that he deviated on to the English breakfast...
NP: ... rather than the continental one which no-one picked him up on. So he’s one ahead of Gyles Brandreth with Tim Rice following, and then Kenneth Williams. And Tim begins the next round, Tim the subject is sericulture. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
TR: When I spoke to you earlier this evening about weaverfish you may have noticed a certain diffidence in my talk. Because frankly I hadn't a clue what these little animals that live in the sea were. But when it comes to sericulture, here I am on far more secure ground. As we all know sericulture is the breeding of silkworms, the study of this fascinating topic which barristers are particularly keen on. Because if enough of these tiny little lads that wriggle around make what they make...
NP: And Gyles got in.
GB: I'm afraid repetition of on the make, making, makes.
NP: Sometimes Tim, if I can give you, keep going because sometimes they don't always notice it. And you were doing so well. But Gyles Brandreth got in there and there are 26 seconds on sericulture with you Gyles starting now.
GB: Sericulture is the sort of way that people behave down in that part of the world. It's very different from Sussex culture and Hampshire culture...
NP: Tim has challenged.
TR: Repetition of culture, because it's, he's using the word separately. This is the point that I lost on before.
NP: Yes that's a good challenge, sericulture is a word, and therefore as you used the word culture on its own, that is repetition I'm afraid Gyles. So Tim has a good challenge and he has 19 seconds on sericulture starting now.
TR: I can't tell you how pleased I am to b back on what we are talking about...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, the subject is sericulture, not his reaction to being asked to talk!
NP: No! Kenneth you have the subject of sericulture with 16 seconds starting now.
KW: Sericulture when I look at the word printed, makes me think of something which is the culture of a series. And I would therefore think that it was everything to do with Coronation Street...
NP: So Kenneth Williams got some points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went and he is still in fourth place. But he's not far behind Tim Rice, who is three points behind our equal leaders Gyles Brandreth and Clement Freud. And Clement you begin the next round. Shuttle is the subject, can you tell us something about it in the game starting now.
CF: Shuttle is a word given to an implement that flies across the net in badminton, and is more commonly known as a shuttlecock or coe, the C-K occasionally not being pronounced by people living around Hemel Hempstead, Tring, and that part of the Chilton Hills that I know so well because my wife's people came from very near there. Aberdeen...
NP: Ah Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Where his wife's people came from is nothing to do with shuttle.
NP: I know!
KW: It's deviation.
NP: It's complete deviation.
KW: Total deviation!
NP: So Kenneth the subject is shuttle and you have 32 seconds now starting now.
KW: I had to fly to Leeds and I went by shuttle. And they opened this can...
NP: Tim Rice has challenged.
TR: Deviation, there's no shuttle to Leeds. There's just Glasgow, Edinburgh, Belfast, ah, Edinburgh, Manchester...
KW: I went, I went to Manchester on the shuttle, and then I was taken to Leeds you see! So there! How dare you interrupt my flow! I mean I was just under way!
TR: It's like saying I walked to New York if you just walked down your drive to get in your car to get in the plane.
NP: Yes that's a very good point, I'm still going to leave it with Kenneth because we haven't heard enough from him. And so Kenneth you have the benefit of my doubt here and there are 25 seconds on shuttle starting now.
KW: A stewardess leant over me to provide some refreshment and half of it went in my lap! I was absolutely furious. I said "you call this shuttle service?" I said "it's all over me". Because the stain was obvious for all to see...
NP: Tim Rice has challenged again.
TR: At least two alls. And several services as well but I'll go for the alls.
NP: Oh big deal! Right, you did mention all more than once so I must be fair to Tim on this one. And so Tim you have four seconds, no four and a half seconds actually on shuttle starting now.
TR: Recently I walked to Peking. This was an extremely interesting journey...
NP: (laughing) Clement Freud challenged.
NP: What was that?
CF: Deviation, nothing to do with shuttle.
NP: I know but it's correct actually.
TR: I hadn't finished my sentence, I'd only just started!
CF: No, no,
NP: No no you should have said I went by shuttle to Peking. I think Clement was technically correct. You were trying to be so clever Tim, I'm sorry you didn't get away with it.
TR: No, honest, honest, I was being...
NP: Clement you have two seconds on shuttle starting now.
CF: London, Manchester, Belfast, Glasgow...
NP: Well I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute. But on that last hilarious round we bring the show to a close. Let me tell you that it was fairly close. Because Kenneth, Kenneth Williams got a lot of points in that round and he finished equal in third place with Tim Rice. And they were only two behind Gyles Brandreth who was only two behind this week's winner, Clement Freud! Well we do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. For then, until then from all of us here, good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.