JAM:KWilliams,PJones,TRice,BCryer
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, PETER JONES, TIM RICE and BARRY CRYER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 3 April 1985)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Barry Cryer and Tim Rice in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we have two of our regular players of the game, the outrageously entertaining Kenneth Williams, the charmingly witty Peter Jones. And we welcome back those two great wordsmiths Tim Rice and Barry Cryer. And as usual they are going to try and speak on the subject I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And we will begin this show this week with Peter Jones. Peter, the subject that Ian's decided to start with is epics. Can you tell us something about that subject, in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: They're wonderful and inspiring stories, featuring a hero who has to win against tremendous odds and very often millions of extras as well, if it happens to be on film. And many of them are, featuring actors like John Wayne and heroic people of that stature who are often soldiers or they're sometimes outlaws pursued by quite er um...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I thought there was a hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation.

PJ: Yes it was yes.

NP: And Kenneth you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of epics and there are 29 and a half seconds left starting now.

KW: Will the world ever forget my epic journey from the foothills of the Himalayas in...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BARRY CRYER: Yes.

KW: ... Nepal, all the way down...

NP: Barry Cryer challenged you before you got to the foot of the Himalayas, yes?

KW: What is, what's your challenge?

BC: I just said yes. You said "will the world ever forget?"

KW: Good! It's very good, yes!

NP: The audience were...

KW: He actually recapped and still got his gag in!

NP: I know! I thought that was...

PJ: They won't forget as long as Kenneth's alive! I'll tell you that much!

NP: I think the fact that he recapped and still get a laugh like that, he deserves a point for his comments, and the audience appreciation endorses that attitude. But you keep the subject and a point for an incorrect challenge, 22 seconds are left, epics Kenneth starting now.

KW: Like a young Odesius, I sailed across the sea from Madras to Jacknah. And there made my way to Lord Louis Mountbatten, the HQ in Saladinia. And a staff officer said "it's nice to see you here, I can tell you". Because I was an A1 draughtsman...

WHISTLE

NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point, and once again it was Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth will you begin the next round? The subject, relations. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: You have friendly relations, diplomatic relations, and sometimes bad relations. That happened to me with my Aunt Rose down in Priddlewell when she wouldn't move this spider off the wall. She said "lay there! Lay there! It'll do you no harm!"

BUZZ

NP: (laughing) Tim Rice?

TIM RICE: Repetition.

NP: Yes.

KW: Well you're a fool to yourself, you won't hear about my Aunt Rose now.

NP: You might get in again, you never know, we'll hear! But if she repeated herself, don't let her do it in Just A Minute! Tim...

LAUGHTER FROM BC AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: The laughter, by the way, for our listeners is that Kenneth Williams is now making up to Tim Rice who is sitting beside him. And Tim is completely overwhelmed, he's not experienced this before. Usually Clement Freud has to suffer this! And there are 42 seconds for Tim to continue, not to continue, to take over the subject of relations starting now.

TR: I have many relations. And I would like to say publicly that I love them, one and all, especially those who are perhaps not going to last an awful lot longer and who are extremely rich. Do not forget me! I accept postal orders...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well I think he is confusing relatives with relations.

NP: Yes you're quite right, those are relatives.

KW: Precisely.

NP: You can have relations with your relatives...

KW: Yes exactly.

NP: ... ... but he was actually talking about...

KW: Very bad English! Amazing really for a writer, a professional man!

TR: No, but colloquially and let's face it...

KW: (shouting) We're not talking colloquially! This is broadcast in English, a family audience! They don't want to hear a load of filth!

TR: This is an extremely downmarket programme, as far as I can tell, and people say friends and relations...

KW: Downmarket? What do you think I am? I'm a cult! I'm sitting here! I'm sitting here! Downmarket!

TR: Friends and relations...

KW: He's got a nerve! Downmarket! Are you going to sit there as a chairman and take that?

NP: Yes I take everything! Um actually Tim has got a point, we are...

TR: Yes quite!

KW: He's got loads of points but we're not discussing that!

NP: People, colloquially speaking, often talk of their relatives...

KW: (imitating NP's voice) People colloquially, oh!

NP: ... as relations.

KW: The grandeur of it!

NP: So what I will do, I will be abundantly fair and...

KW: Don't ask the audience! They don't know nothing! Look at them!

NP: To the wiser decision of this highly intellectual audience that have come off the streets of London to watch all this rubbish! And if you agree with Kenneth's challenge, then you cheer for him! And if you disagree and please, you agree with Tim Rice, then you all boo, which means you're on Tim's side, and all do it together now!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: They're obviously on your side, you brought them in, didn't you! It was a very strong boo, there's a lot of people who are cultural on Tim's side.

TR: Why was I placed on the boos side?

NP: Right so we give it to you, the benefit of the doubt on the audience decision. There are 30 seconds left, relations Kenneth starting now.

KW: Relations with the Vatican Council and the Government of El Salvador have become rather strained. And I was moved to remark to Mister Shultz, who is as you know the head of the Foreign section of the American Government and...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: A brace of Governments.

KW: A what, dear?

NP: Yes.

TR: Yes.

KW: Oh you're very sharp!

NP: Tim you have 11 seconds on relations starting now.

TR: Relations...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: No!

PJ: Very slow off the mark there!

NP: He was very slow off the mark, but I don't think he hesitated and he is a guest. So Tim...

PJ: Oh a guest? Ah yes!

NP: Nine and a half seconds Tim on relations starting now.

TR: Relations come in many shapes and sizes as we have learned this evening. Who would have thought, all of you people here, as you came into this humble theatre, that you would learn so much about relatives...

WHISTLE

NP: Well in spite of Tim Rice having his leg pulled about relatives and relations, he got a number of points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went, and he's now in the lead at the end of the round. Tim it's also your turn to begin and the subject is dogs. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

TR: I am the owner of one of the world's few talking dogs. If you say "what sort of day did you have today, Rover?" he says "rough"! And this is extremely intelligent because there are very very few animals of his type, of his breed who...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Repetition of very.

TR: Yes.

NP: Yes.

TR: You're dead right Barry.

NP: Of his and a number of others.

TR: I was absolutely wrong.

NP: Right Barry you are in there with 48 seconds on the subject of dogs starting now.

BC: My...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

TR: You could have driven a bus through that hesitation, I mean...

NP: Yes I think that definitely was a hesitation, Barry I'm sorry so...

PJ: But he is a guest!

BC: I'm a guest!

NP: I know, but a guest challenged.

PJ: I know.

NP: A guest who challenged.

PJ: I know, they're both guests!

NP: I know, but it was a longer pause as well. It was actually two seconds, believe it or not. Yours was only one, at least Tim's was when you challenged. There are 46 seconds on dogs starting now Tim.

TR: Talking of longer pause, my dog also has very long objects at the end of his feet. He has four of them. These are very useful, because did you know that that part of the dog's anatomy never sweats. No, I got it completely wrong. That part of the dog's...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of that part.

TR: Yes.

NP: That part, yes, yes you can't repeat that part because it is wrong in Just A Minute. Thirty-two seconds are left, dogs with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Well I would like to say straight away that I absolutely adore all dogs. And I would be committing professional suicide if I said anything else on the radio...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Yes well, I mean it's deviation. He would not be committing professional suicide if he said anything other than what...

NP: He may think that he would be.

KW: No it's rubbish! You know very well he could say what he likes about dogs and it would not result in any loss of earnings, nor would his popularity diminish...

NP: He may think that he would be committing...

KW: ... and the people in this house would all think just as much of him as they did at the beginning, wouldn't you?

A FEW SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Yeah there you are, they're all agreed about that.

NP: No they haven't, a lot of people said no.

KW: What? I'll bash the daylights out of them if I get my hands... How dare you!

NP: No, he was expressing an opinion, and that could be his opinion, it's not deviating, technically speaking in Just A Minute. Twenty-three seconds Peter on dogs starting now.

PJ: Although when served with a sort of caramel sauce, I suppose they can be quite appetising! Baked, roasted for a long time, sometimes in a clay oven. But however it's not one of the favourite dishes that I have to offer you if you were coming round to dinner, because...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones kept going with his dogs until the whistle went, only just I think.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Gained an extra point and is now equal in the lead with Tim Rice. And Barry Cryer your turn to begin, the subject, how to cure backache. Would you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

BC: There is an infallible method of curing backache. This is to lie flat on the floor, face downwards, with all the limbs adjacent to the aforementioned part of the room. And then ask a large friend, preferably of the female gender to walk up and down on the upper part of one's ah um...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth?

KW: Well it all seemed to be juddering to a dreadful halt didn't it.

NP: Yes well you would if you had a great weight like that.

BC: Absolutely.

KW: Dreadful. Wouldn't you, you'd have thought a man like that would be more fluent wouldn't you?

BC: Yes but I just get excited when I think about it.

KW: You got excited? Yes. Yes it doesn't take much to get him going!

BC: Yes, as you know!

LAUGHTER FROM KW. PJ, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: So Kenneth you have 40 seconds on how to cure backache starting now.

KW: I happen to know a considerable amount on this subject. I was a patient at the orthopaedic hospital in Great Portland Street for over nine months. And they put weights on the end of my feet because they said "we've got to get them level. You've got odd length legs..."

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

KW: No hesitation at all! The man's mad! I think he ought to... we ought to get him something! Give him a drink or an aspirin or something!

PJ: He definitely came to a pause, he paused.

NP: No he didn't actually. He was going terribly slow, dragging the words out which he has been known to do before. I have made a decision that you were not hesitating so you needn't be rude to me, and you have 16 seconds, how to cure backache starting now.

KW: My osteopath says the best thing is to lie with a piece of wood under the mattress, and thus ensure that the spine is properly supported. Too many nowadays lie...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams gained that extra point, he's now equal with Peter Jones in second place, just one ahead of Barry Cryer and Tim Rice is way out in the lead. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, Parkinson's law. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

KW: The Parkinson's law is that the amount of work done is in inverse proportion to the number of people performing it. And I think he's got something. But they did prove, you know, that when it came to millions to be spent on the atomic reactor, it took them a considerable amount of time. Whereas 47...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of time.

KW: I hadn't said time before.

NP: No.

KW: I don't know why they have him up here!

PJ: Didn't he say time, didn't he say time early on?

KW: No.

NP: No he didn't say time Peter.

KW: They wheeled him in at the beginning! He's had Queen's royal jelly and everything!

NP: You usually reserve those comments for me! You've shifted your mode of attack!

KW: Well I've lost the flow! I mean my flow's gone!

NP: There are 28 seconds for Parkinson's law, still with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: This is a reference to Heathcote Parkinson, and not to the man who has the chat show...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer.

BC: I think with all due defence, it's a reference to Northcote Parkinson.

NP: Parkinson's law...

KW: I'm not talking about what, what the, the subject. I can talk about any Parkinson I like! And the chairman will tell you we have...

NP: No Kenneth I'm sorry, the subject is Parkinson's law so you've got to talk about...

KW: Certainly, certainly other Parkinsons could have made up laws!

NP: Do you want me to put it to the audience again?

KW: Yes! Put it to the audience! That's right, they know, they're a good crowd!

NP: I'm trying to give, Barry's a guest, I was trying to bring him in there. But all right Kenneth there are 24 seconds on Parkinson's law starting now.

KW: Unfortunately you see, the thing I was going to embroider and expand upon there has been ruined by these ridiculous interruptions. And somebody of my stature really should not have to...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: From Parkinson's law.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Ridiculous interruptions.

PJ: Yes.

KW: This is a direct quote of Parkinson, you fool!

NP: No, you're not going to get away with it!

PJ: He didn't talk about, you were talking about your stature.

NP: Thirteen seconds with you on Parkinson's law Peter starting now.

PJ: Well one of the other Parkinson's laws is...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

KW: Hesitation.

PJ: No! Certainly not!

KW: Yes very slow coming in, I've noticed that with you!

NP: I disagree, 10 seconds Peter, Parkinson's law starting now.

PJ: I shall must be very circumspect about my personal life if there is a party conference in the next nine months!

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: Ah hesitation.

NP: I'm not surprised! There are two seconds for you on Parkinson's law Tim starting now.

TR: I had no idea that Peter Jones was Jewish...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tim Rice was again speaking as the whistle went and has increased his lead. But Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams are still equal in second place, just ahead of Barry Cryer. Tim it's also your turn to begin and the subject is rhymes. I think it's something you know a little bit about. Will you talk about it in Just A Minute starting now.

TR: It is a fallacy that the greatest popular songs have to have great rhymes all the way through them. Let me give you an example. I don't think I will actually sing this song, I think a recital of the lyric will...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Think twice.

NP: Yes there was a...

PJ: And very wise of him too!

NP: There are 46 seconds left for you Kenneth on rhymes starting now.

KW: Well I make up a lot of them myself, you know. And people have written in to say to me when I've been on the radio doing a rhyme, "how witty, how amusing, how delightful you sound..."

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: How arrogant!

NP: I think you've got the format of Just A Minute pegged now Tim. We'll look forward to having you in the next series. But there were three hows yes. There are 33 seconds on rhymes starting now.

TR: Some Enchanted Evening was the song I was going to give you, and let me start now straight away. First there is the title which I will not repeat as I have already said it once. Then it goes "you will see a stranger", than that line is said again. "Across a crowded room." Now nothing in those first four lines actually rhymes. And yet because of the brilliance of the melody and the subtlety of the words, that song is absolutely perfect. I myself have tried to emulate this on occasions with total lack of...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PJ: Repetition of song.

TR: Oh!

NP: Yes I'm afraid there was so Peter's got in with four and a half seconds on rhymes starting now.

PJ: How... now...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM TR, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: What's the challenge?

NP: Tim what possibly can your challenge be?

TR: I really thought he was hesitating between (laughs) how and now.

PJ: He is challenging because he's a guest! There's no other reason!

NP: But he's not going to get the point, you are Peter. And there are three and a half seconds, sorry, no, just three seconds on rhymes starting now.

PJ: Brown... cow! Now there are four rhymes...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones speaking as the whistle went has moved forward. He's now only two behind our leader who is Tim Rice and Peter begins the next round. Peter the subject is getting locked out. Can you tell us something about that, either from your personal experience or indeed your fantasy, it doesn't matter, it's Just A Minute, and you start now.

PJ: Well I suppose it can be almost as bad as getting locked in. It depends where you are at the time. If you're trying to get into your home and it is pouring with rain and there's a tree outside and it's light, then it can be actually dangerous for you, particularly if you're being pursued by muggers. And if ah you're outside...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Barry, um...

PJ: It was a sort of guest type challenge!

NP: Yes!

BC: Desperate!

PJ: Desperate, yes!

NP: It was a sort of guest type ah...

PJ: Challenge.

NP: No not a challenge, it was a sort of...

BC: Interpolation.

NP: Benefit of the doubt to a guest.

PJ: Ah yes well you know best.

NP: Thirty seconds Barry, getting locked out starting now.

BC: I was once locked out of a greenhouse when I desired to gain entry. The story goes as follows. My friend Dennis Spooner, fellow writer, was a keen tomato grower, and had in his garden a small building of that nature full of glass panelling and the aforementioned vegetable. One day while visiting...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Tomatoes are actually fruit, they're not vegetables.

NP: You are correct Peter.

BC: Absolutely correct.

NP: They used to be known as the love fruit in the olden days.

PJ: Really?

NP: Yes.

KW: Keep it decent! It's a family show!

BC: Yes!

NP: I don't know whether it was the colour or the passion they exuded when cut open. But anyway there are 17 seconds for you on getting locked out Peter starting now.

PJ: Well I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Dennis Spooner who I understand is something of a crank and grows tomatoes wearing a tea-cosy on his head! But I have had the misfortune to be locked out of a number of offices...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: I thought he said meet twice, but on second thoughts, I don't think he did.

NP: On second thoughts, you are correct. So that's an incorrect challenge, he gets another point and one and a half seconds to continue on getting locked out Peter starting now.

PJ: Hammer on the door, or try to push a note under...

WHISTLE

NP: And at the end of that round Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went and he gained a number of points in the round, and he's now one ahead of Tim Rice, he's out in the lead. Barry Cryer, Kenneth Williams, a little way behind. Barry your turn to begin, the subject spell. We've had a lot about spelling in Just A Minute but can you talk on the subject for Just A Minute starting now.

BC: I will interpret this word in the spelling connotation, not in the subject of necromancy, witchcraft or the mysterious world of (unintelligible). Spelling, the quantity of words, a repetition or indeed the singularity of some of the letters within the framework of a word is most important. We at this moment are sitting near unto Piccadilly Circus. The first word of that place name contains two Cs and one D, a simple formula that often...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Repetition, it's two Cs!

NP: It's a repetitious word but he was not actually repeating the word C.

KW: Oh I see! Yes! He's right!

NP: If he said C-C...

KW: Yes you're right! You're a very clever man!

PJ: I didn't interrupt, I didn't interrupt because at any rate we were getting away from Dennis Spooner for a while!

NP: Oh dear me! He did repeat the word spelling by the way.

PJ: Spelling.

NP: Nobody picked it up. Twenty-six seconds on spell starting now.

BC: Dennis Spooner once said to me it was essential...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: Repetition of Dennis Spooner.

NP: He hasn't said Dennis Spooner in this particular round.

TR: Yes he did.

NP: No he didn't.

TR: He went on and on about him at extreme length.

NP: No it wasn't...

BC: It wasn't on spelling, I was still in the greenhouse!

NP: He visited the greenhouse and it was Peter Jones who mentioned Dennis Spooner....

BC: Yes.

NP: ... with his cosy on in the greenhouse...

BC: Yes.

NP: ... and the love fruit. So he hasn't, Barry Cryer's not actually mentioned...

TR: I've lost my grip on this one!

NP: ... mentioned Dennis Spooner. The wretched fellow's been mentioned so often that... are you all right Kenneth? You're under the table there. So Barry you keep the subject and there are 23 seconds on spell starting now.

BC: The very word pronunciation is often mispronounced. If one looks at the assemblage of letters P-R-O-N-U-N-C-I-A...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: Two Ns.

BC: I need the eggs!

NP: Yes! So Tim you got in with 13 seconds on spell starting now.

TR: Spell, what sort of subject is that? Spelling I could understand, or a spell. But it's extremely difficult just to talk for 13 seconds even...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: It's not difficult at all, so it's deviation.

NP: Actually it's not at all difficult...

TR: It's not difficult? I was having great difficulty.

KW: Well I wouldn't have any difficulty at all, you see. I suppose that's the difference isn't it!

NP: I don't know whether that is deviation because he's allowed to express that as an opinion.

TR: Yes yes.

NP: And as this is the last round and he's equal in the lead...

TR: I need every point I can get!

NP: ... whatever decision I make now will make a difference to the final result. So the only thing I can do is to put it to the superior judgement and wisdom of this audience.

KW: Yes they're a lovely house! Look at them! They're beautiful!

NP: If you agree with Kenneth's challenge, you cheer for him...

KW: No, don't! No, do it for Tim, because after all it's the last round, isn't it.

NP: Yes and he's a guest.

KW: And he's a guest! Yes!

NP: And you boo for Tim and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Right Tim you've got the audience with you. You have another point and you have five seconds, if you keep going you've won the show. There are five seconds on spell starting now.

TR: I knew a witch who used to do the most disgusting things when she got her hands on the people. What the...

WHISTLE

NP: So as I told you that was going to be the last whistle, and Tim was speaking when it went and he got that extra point and you don't need to be reminded of who our winner is. But let me give you the final score. Barry Cryer, who contributes so much on every visit finished...

BC: I only just make fourth, don't I!

NP: No, you make a good fourth.

BC: Thank you.

NP: Always a good fourth. You finished just behind Kenneth Williams who was a lovely panellist as ever. And he finished behind the ever delightful Peter Jones, who was only two points behind the effervescently wonderfully charming brilliant word spinner, that spell again, Tim Rice! So our guest Tim Rice, I really think has got this game knocked on the head now. He's as good as all the panellists so we'll have to have him back again and see if we can beat him. And he did jolly well, thank you very much. We hope you've enjoyed the show and all want to tune in again same time next week when we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.