NOTE: Henry Kelly's last appearance, Mary Bell's last appearance blowing the whistle.


ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Henry Kelly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. And as you've just heard we have three of our regular players of the game, Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And to join us once again in the guest chair someone who has played the game with success before, Henry Kelly. We welcome all four of them. As I will remind you that I am going to ask them to speak if they can, separately, on the subject that I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And we begin this show this week with Clement Freud. Clement, the subject is seals. Would you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Seals are very agreeable animals. They look a bit like walruses which is why we mind so much when they're clubbed to death in Canada and other places. I haven't met any seals personally, and wouldn't know how nice or agreeable or xenophobic they are as animals. But um on the whole...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well he hesitated, he went um.

NP: Yes definitely he hesitated.

CF: Um, I said um.

NP: He erred within the rules of the game and in every other sense. So Kenneth I agree with your challenge, therefore you get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of seals starting, oh, 40 seconds, starting now.

KW: I once knew a girl who used to prance around in a sealskin coat which she thought very highly of. And I said "do you know about the kind of inhumanity that goes into collecting those pelts?" And she said "my dear, I couldn't care less!" And I thought, well, that typifies it, doesn't it. Where do you stand when they turn round and make that sort of dismissive remark...


NP: So Kenneth Williams kept going till the whistle went and gained an extra point for doing so, and I just remind you if you have never heard the game before, that after 60 seconds the whistle is blown and they stop. And Kenneth Williams is the only one to have scored any points in that round. And the next subject is falling in love and Peter Jones will you take that, and tell us something about it in the game starting now.

PETER JONES: Falling in love, well, I think the verb is the most significant part of that sentence. Love is a wonderful thing. Love makes the world go round, I've heard. I don't happen to agree with that sentiment. I think strong drink is what makes the world go round. But love...


NP: Henry Kelly has challenged.

PJ: What?

NP: Henry has challenged you. Henry?

HENRY KELLY: It sounded to me as if we had a bunch of the worlds going round.

NP: Yes there was more than one world going round. Love makes the world go round and you thought drink makes the world go round. So that's repetition Peter.

PJ: That's right yes.

NP: Henry Kelly you have a point and the subject and 42 seconds, falling in love starting now.

HK: Would be a very difficult thing to do if one was on the edge of the Niagara Falls because one might end up in the drink. That is not the particular substance that er Peter Jones had in question when he lost the subject to me a few moments ago...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, the subject is falling in love. We've had a lot of stuff about Niagara Falls, we've had a lot of stuff about Peter Jones, we've had nothing about falling in love!

NP: He was indeed deviating. You don't need to emphasise the point, I agree with the challenge, he had deviated from falling in love. And 28 seconds on falling in love starting now.

KW: This happened to me at the very early age of six and a half years...


NP: Henry Kelly challenged.

HK: If it happened to him at six and a half, it was deviation!

NP: Now Henry, let's be fair about this. You could fall in love at six and a half and it could be a lovely little childlike infantile love...

KW: You're a lovely chairman! Marvellous, very good. Knows his job, you see. Very efficient!

NP: And there are 23 seconds for you on falling in love Kenneth starting now.

KW: As the poet says, it may be make-believe, but we all feel a little better for having had the experience, and become somewhat lyrical in the process. If music be the food of love, play on, give me excess of it, the sickening, the appetite may die. Oh how beautiful it all sounds! I feel...


NP: Well Kenneth...

KW: (laughs) I should have said surfeiting, and I said sickening! Utter rubbishy! I got it all wrong!

NP: But you were so carried away and so flamboyant in your gestures...

KW: Yes it doesn't take much to get me going!

NP: Just a bit of falling in love with the same audience! So you kept going, in spite of hitting Clement Freud over the head as you gesticulated there, until the whistle went and you now have more points at the end of that round including one for speaking as the whistle went. And you're in a commanding lead for the first time. And you also begin the next round, the subject is electrifying the audience. What an apt subject to follow your last demonstration in the show and there are 60 seconds to talk on that one starting now.

KW: I saw Nellie Wallace at the Vaudeville electrifying the audience when she said
Ten brass trays, a monkey and cow
Two old ladies and the barmaid from The Plough
Uphill, down dale, out again it rang
Oh what a wonderful time we had, bang bang bang!
And I fell about...


NP: But before you got to your repetitious bang bang bang, Clement Freud pressed his buzzer and challenged you. What was it Clement?

KW: Well he would, wouldn't he.

NP: What was the challenge?

CF: He hit me four times!

NP: (laughs) Yes he is in a very vociferous and eclectic form today. His gestures are wider than ever. So what was your challenge beside that?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Hitting me!

NP: Oh! Well actually he's allowed to hit you as often as he likes, though it's not actually within the game...

CF: Another new rule!

NP: Not a new rule...

HK: That was the last programme!

NP: It's er not um, there's nothing about it in the game which says he mustn't so really I suppose I mustn't allow it and tell Kenneth he can continue with electrifying the audience with 45 seconds starting now.

KW: In Bernard Shaw's criticism of our theatre in the 90s, he said Ainley electrified the theatre when...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Ah theatre three times.

NP: Yes you talked about Nellie Wallace and the theatre before.

KW: Oh I see!

NP: Mmm.

KW: Well it is electrifying the audience, and I suppose you'd only find them in a theatre, wouldn't you.

NP: That's right, that's true.

KW: If it's in a church, it's called the congregation.

NP: Yes but you repeated the word theatre, so Clement got in and there are 35 seconds on...

KW: Oh let's hope we're going to hear something witty from him then! Let's hope! Let's hope! I think it'll be a forlorn hope, but still, let's hope! Oh yeah we're all bated breath here aren't we for this! He's off is he! Oh yes!

NP: Yes he has been known...

KW: We're going to have Freud, are we, holding forth! What's he going to hold forth on?

NP: Electrifying the audience.

KW: Electrifying yes.

NP: So Clement, Kenneth's put you up to it, can you take over with 35 seconds starting now.


CF: When...


NP: Kenneth you challenged, what was your challenge?

KW: Well he's not started!

NP: Deviation of course!

CF: I didn't hear you.

NP: And you have 32 seconds on electrifying the audience starting now.

KW: The thing to do is to plant an electrode underneath their feet, and make them all very wet indeed, and you would succeed in electrifying them all you see. It would have to be a minor shock, otherwise you'd be a mass exterminator and very soon the audiences would cease to be. Theatres would be empty and people would...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of theatres.

NP: Peter, how nice to hear from you!

PJ: Thank you very much! It's very nice of you to say that.

NP: He did repeat the word theatre because he'd used it before with Nellie Wallace and with Elaine Amatory. And there are six seconds for you Peter Jones, electrifying the audience starting now.

PJ: I wouldn't put two hundred and 30 volts through them. I think perhaps 115 would be sufficient to...


NP: And they let him get away with the 1-1-5...

KW: We let him get away with it. Henry and I both acknowledged it, but we let him get away with it, because you know, why?

NP: Why?

KW: We're naturally gallant, you see, and charming, good mannered, well mannered...

HK: Speak for yourself!

KW: Oh!

NP: Really! Anyway Peter Jones got a point for speaking as the whistle went. He’s now got two points but Kenneth Williams still out in a strong lead. Clement Freud and Henry Kelly have one. And Henry begins the next round. Henry the subject is what I keep in old jam jars. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

HK: Basically what I keep in old jam jars is a sort of strawberry dewberries which has seen better days. That is to say what else would you keep in old jam jars except something that you probably wouldn't really want to eat at the moment it was made. You wouldn't want to spread it on toast...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: You wouldn't want to.

NP: You wouldn't want to.

HK: Took you ages!

NP: No he was being generous. Forty seconds for Clement on what I keep in old jam jars starting now.

CF: What I keep in old jam jars is primarily old jam. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, pear, ginger flavoured marmalade which is also a kind of confection which is akin to jam...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Which he said twice.

NP: Whiches, yes. He repeated that so Peter you got in with 27, 28 seconds, what I keep in old jam jars starting now.

PJ: I keep air. Whenever I go on holiday, be it to Frinton-on-Sea, or Llandudno, or Albuquerque, I open a jam jar and allow the air of the country to go into it, slap the top on...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well he hesitated immediately, didn't he.

NP: He came to a shuddering halt.

PJ: That's right, yes.

NP: With all this air in his jam jars.

PJ: Yes.

NP: What a bizarre life he leads! The things that are revealed in Just A Minute. Kenneth you got in with 12 seconds on what I keep in old jam jars starting now.

KW: I keep in old jam jars screws and things like, you know, nails. Because they're very handy if you're short of that sort of stuff. And the other thing I put in a jam jar is...


NP: So once again Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went and has increased his lead. And not only has he got this lead, but it's a commanding one. Clement will you talk on the subject of genealogy with 60 seconds to go starting now.

CF: When I was born, I achieved a moment of great fame in that I was the youngest person in the whole world for that short moment when I came into, on to this earth...


NP: Henry Kelly challenged.

HK: I think, in this game, if you say into, on to...

NP: I think I would interpret it as hesitation.

HK: That's hesitation.

NP: Henry you have 44 seconds, genealogy starting now.

HK: It is a very interesting subject to examine, because it will allow you to discover who your parents were, your grandparents, a hyphenated word I trust you will note. And indeed if you had either of those particular groups in your genealogical tree. I once...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: It would be impossible to have a genealogical tree without parents and grandparents.

NP: So Clement with that good challenge you take over the subject of genealogy and there are 27 seconds left starting now.

CF: I come from a very long line of people. And I challenge...


NP: Henry Kelly challenged.

HK: (laughs) Ridiculous!

NP: Yes. You couldn't come for a long line of animals, could you. Yes. So I disagree but yes, nice point Henry. And so um you still keep the subject. Don't look so surprised Clement, it's all right, you have another point for being interrupted, 23 seconds starting now.

CF: On my paternal side they were all called Freud. Whereas on my mother's, they had all sorts of names, some of which I now forget and others I never knew. My wife who is here sitting in the front row has an enormously eclectic number of relatives, many of whom I have met and some of whom came to our...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of relatives.

NP: Yes.

CF: No.

KW: No.

HK: No.

NP: No he didn't say it...

PJ: Nobody remembers but me!

KW: Relative.

NP: No no no. Yes so Clement you still have the subject and there are two and a half seconds on genealogy starting now.

CF: Flewett is a very good name indeed...


NP: So Clement Freud got a large number of points in that round, including the one for speaking as the whistle went, and he has moved forward but Kenneth Williams is still in the lead. And Peter Jones begins the next round, the subject Peter is petty cash. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: Well cash is never petty unless it belongs to other people. One's own is always important. If I could persuade every old age pensioner to send me a pound, I should be comparatively wealthy. I wish I were able to do that.


NP: Kenneth challenged.

KW: Well he just stopped!

NP: I know he did! I think he was overwhelmed...

KW: Having made this radio appeal for cash!

NP: I think he was shattered by the thought of his appeal!

PJ: It was the sheer effrontery of it!

NP: The sheer effrontery!

PJ: That stopped me yes.

NP: Appealing to the old age pensioners. My goodness me!

PJ: Yes, I take that back.

NP: You only appeal as...

HK: You didn't get anything yet!

NP: You're just about to join them, aren't you? The um... ah Kenneth you had a correct challenge and you have 42 seconds on petty cash starting now.

KW: Well I believe it's what kept in the office for a sort of, you know, everyday float, expenses that would be encountered by the office junior or perhaps the secretary who has to go out and purchase some stamps or something of that nature. I don't really know an awful lot about petty cash, and certainly nobody's ever said to me "it is at your disposal". I would rather like it because I deal largely in paper, and I have to always insist at the bank that the notes are clean because I can't stand germs! And I've always thought when they look dirty and wrinkled, oh I might get some terrible disease, you know, because it's easy to catch these things, you know. They can be easily passed on to...


NP: Ah so once again Kenneth took the subject and kept going magnificently until the whistle went, and not only got that extra point but has increased his lead. And Kenneth you also begin the next round, Diogenes. Will you tell us something about him in this game starting now.

KW: What is very little known about Diogenes is that he was initially a bit of a rake, and led a dissolute life until he came under the influence of Antiphanes in Athens, and then devoted himself to the school of sinope philosophy, advocating, eschewing all luxury. No interest in the arts, but saying hard suffering must be my lot. And he sat in this barrel where he was visited by the Emperor Alexander who said "what should I do?" Diogenes replied "get out of my light". And he went away saying "if I had to be another man, I would be Diogenes..."


NP: Well once again Kenneth Williams with his erudition and knowledge, kept going on a subject from beginning to end, without interruption. So he gets a point for speaking as the whistle went, and a bonus point, and has increased his lead way out for the first time I think for a long while, way ahead of everyone else. Henry Kelly will you take the next round, the subject spaghetti. Will you tell us something about that stringy subject in Just A Minute starting now.

HK: The most interesting thing about spaghetti is that there was once a television programme on the British Broadcasting Corporation a number of years ago in which it was decided that because it was April Fool's Day they would try and trick members of the Italian nation. Not a lot of people know that that particular country is actually run by real people. There is a rumour, there is, that it is in fact organised by a group of gentlemen known as the Mafia, as opposed to Ireland which is run by a group of gentlemen known as the Murphy-a. On this particular day, it coming after the 31st of March, it was decided to trick people and pretend that spaghetti could in fact be grown in the Cotswolds. Not only that, it could be grown anywhere in Gloucestershire. It could even be grown up as far north as Lancashire...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well repetition of grown.

NP: Yes you let the second one go, but you picked him up on the third.

HK: It was going to be a great story!

NP: Fifteen seconds for you Peter on spaghetti starting now.

PJ: Fettucini, and linguini are other types of pasta. But perhaps the most popular, the world over, is spaghetti, which can be served with tomato sauce or a meat sauce which I never...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of sauce.

NP: There were two sauces yes.

PJ: I know there were.

NP: And so Clement got in with two and a half seconds on spaghetti starting now.

CF: Spaghetti is a cross between vermicelli and macaroni...


NP: Well Clement Freud has moved forward in that round, Kenneth Williams is still our leader. Clement takes the next round, the subject Clement, home-made beer. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: It's an extraordinary thing but I've never tasted nice home-made beer. Home-made food, home-made wine are delicious and acceptable. And one tends to say I would prefer to have it in the comfort of your four walls than out in a restaurant...


NP: Henry Kelly challenged.

HK: Well either he has a respiratory infection or that was a hesitation.

NP: I agree with the hesitation and you have 46 seconds on home-made beer starting now.

HK: Although I would tend to agree that I too have never tasted anything remotely like a decent home-made beer. On the other hand I can appreciate that there are people who are dedicated to the pursuit of organising themselves so that they in fact do hardly do anything else in their lives except go to the supermarket and buy this liquid in a box. I ask you, could you possibly believe anything that you bought in such a receptacle could actually be liquid. Yet they buy it and they take it...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of liquid.

NP: Yes. Ah Clement you have 13 seconds on home-made beer starting now.

CF: There is a factory on the south coast of England where home-made beer sets are sold. And you can get for the price of eight pounds and 75 pence, some...


NP: Henry Kelly challenged again.

HK: He breathed!

NP: yes and I would interpret that as hesitation.

HK: Correct.

NP: Two seconds on home-made beer Henry starting now.

HK: As I was saying when I was so strangely interrupted...


NP: So Henry got some points in that round. He's moved forward into third place ahead of Peter Jones, and Clement Freud's ahead of him and Kenneth Williams is still our leader. Peter the subject is an odd fact. Will you start with it as usual, 60 seconds beginning now.

PJ: I suppose it has an odd fact that I am here at all, after so many years, since I am quite incapable of speaking without hesitating, insulting the chairman, and often repeating myself, let alone the pauses that are sprinkled through every utterance that I make perhaps. But I ah...


NP: And it's an odd fact but you hesitated and Kenneth Williams got in. And there are 37 seconds, an odd fact Kenneth starting now.

KW: I've got toes which overlap. And the chiropodist said "you should have an operation whereby we straighten them." And I said why. And he said "because later on ion life, you will find yourself wandering along as one afflicted, instead of your usual boyish gait". I said "you're very sweet, is that how you'd describe it?" He said "I certainly would..."


NP: Well I will tell you an odd fact. Because Kenneth Williams always gives good value but he often finishes in fourth place. He's not only in the lead, but he keeps increasing his lead! He's way out ahead of everybody else. Henry I think we're entering the last round and we'd like you to take it. The subject is limelight. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

HK: Limelight is said to be a very interesting thing to be in. I would not know, I have never entered it. Now the thing about it is that there are various ways, I understand, in which one can cross the threshold from the darkness and be a person, like many of the distinguished people who are here on this panel tonight, as you know I am just a mere guest. The Clement Freuds of this world, the Kenneth Williamses, the Peter Joneses, and as I...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well he's practically gone into diminuendo! I can hardly hear him! Some in the back here have dropped off!

NP: Yes, so what was your challenge?

KW: Well inaudibility! And er...

NP: Well he is...

KW: And ah deviation.

NP: Yes because he said the word the four times.

KW: That's right! I meant to say that, yes! That's right!

PJ: And he referred to Kenneth Williams and me as being in the plural. He said the Kenneth Williamses and the Peter Joneses. There's only one of us.

NP: There's only one of Kenneth Williams, definitely!

KW: That's right yes.

HK: Between the three of them they've managed to get a challenge!

NP: Kenneth I agree with your challenge, there are 35 seconds on limelight starting now.

KW: Well it was a very good film, you know. But they ruined it with that daft music. Now what they should have done was to have me, and I phoned up Hollywood and I said...


NP: Henry Kelly challenged.

HK: If I'm going to be challenged on they three times, he can be challenged on it twice.

KW: Well you have to give it to him. He's a guest. He's a guest.

NP: You are right Henry and you take the subject back with 27 seconds, limelight starting now.

HK: Also it might be said that it is the type of light which would come if one was to take a lime, that wonderful fruit, first cousin of a lemon, second cousin of an orange, third cousin...


NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

HK: Well done Clement!

CF: Cousins.

HK: Got it.

CF: All those cousins.

NP: All; those cousins yes Clement.

HK: The speed of the man!

NP: You have limelight Clement, and 17 seconds starting now.

CF: Just before Kenneth Williams phoned Hollywood, to see if he could be in the film, I went to the Haverstock Hill Odeon wearing a school cap which was pink with a Maltese cross upon it, and paid one and three pence to see that motion picture for myself. And I saw Charlie Chaplin give one of the very great performances...


NP: Well Clement Freud brought that round to an end, gained an extra point, and it also brings the show to an end. So let me give you the final score. Peter Jones, who a few weeks away triumphed magnificently, unfortunately finished only in fourth place, but as always it's not what the points they gain but what they contribute. And as usual it was fairly evenly divided. Then came Henry Kelly, just ahead of him. Then Clement Freud. But the man who took the lead at the beginning, kept the lead throughout, who electrified the audience and never faltered for a moment, this week's winner, Kenneth Williams! So your remark about I never win but I don't mind has come true. You have won and you do mind! And the audience minded and they've showed their appreciation. We hope you've enjoyed the show this week, we hope you will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we all take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.