ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Martin Jarvis in Just A Minute. As the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much and what a pleasure to welcome the nice fresh keen audience that we've got. Welcome to the show. For those of you who have heard it or know the show, you will recognise from of our announcer that we have three of our regular players, Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones. And we welcome back as our guest someone who played it with great success before, Martin Jarvis. And as always I will ask them to can speak if they can on the subject that I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. This week we'll begin the show with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject is a turn. Will you tell us something about that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: I think the turn we dread most in life is the upturn of the glass, which means that the sands are running out, death is approaching. And when that old man with the scythe comes over the horizon and you know that it is your turn, do you not begin to think of your God and the life that you have lived on this earth. I know that I do, and Nicholas Parsons who is nearly 60 continually thinks about the turns that he has done to people. And perhaps when he was a boy scout, and I know that he was once, he did a good turn to everyone.... every day which is...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so. Twenty seconds for you on a turn Peter starting now.

PJ: One of the meanings of the word turn also is having a nasty turn. Which means you've kind of come over all peculiar and you've got the jimjams, and that isn't at all pleasant. But these music hall, vaudeville or variety turns...


NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up. And Peter Jones was doing it, and so he gains an extra point for doing so. As well as the other point in the round he has a lead at the end of the first round. Takes the second round and the subject Peter is mosquitoes. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: I happen to be allergic to them. And when I am bitten I blow up as if I have got elephantitus or something. I remember once I was sleeping with my wife in the south of France, and I heard...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Has he only slept with his wife once?


NP: (laughing) Oh!

DN: My, my, my challenge is an unnatural marriage!

NP: I think it's a delightful challenge Derek, we give you a bonus point for entertaining us all. And Peter gets a point for being interrupted but keeps the subject of mosquitoes and there are 54 seconds left starting now.

PJ: I heard the telltale buzz of the female mosquito. And I turned the light on and saw this insect, vertical on my wife's bare flesh. And I thwacked it as hard as I possibly could. She screamed, sat up bolt upright in bed, and grabbed a bottle which handily was beside the bed, we usually have one there. And was just about to crash it onto my skull when she recognised me! And she paused and hesitated, and was about to go to asleep again when she said "please..."


NP: Martin Jarvis challenged.

MARTIN JARVIS: I think there was a repetition of pause and hesitate.

PJ: I didn't say pause and hesitate before.

NP: No you didn't pause or hesitate. He certainly paused.

MJ: And he hesitated.

NP: And he certainly hesitated but you didn't challenge for that Martin. So I have to take the first thing, the first challenge you give which was the repetition...

MJ: Oh I think that's a bit unfair, don't you everybody?

NP: No I have to be fair within the game because otherwise I'll have them all at my throat, and it's difficult enough as it is. Your first challenge was for repetition and he didn't repeat himself. So he keeps the subject with nine seconds to go on mosquitoes Peter starting now.

PJ: This was in the Camarde which was riddled with these insects. And I remember by the time we left...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well I'm going to enlighten Peter. You keep saying insects, you can say mosquito as many times as you like because it's on the card, darling.

PJ: That's very sweet of you Kenneth! Kenneth yes, very nice!

NP: But actually Kenneth he didn't repeat it because he said mos, he said insects that time, and the time before he said insect.

KW: Oh yes you're quite right! Quite right! You're a very good chairman! You're very good!

NP: Well I have to listen you know. Otherwise I'm torn apart, I'm mangled by the hounds that play the game. There are two seconds with you Peter still on mosquitoes starting now.

PJ: There were little messes all over the walls and ceiling...


NP: Well in spite of many interruptions and difficult decisions for the chairman, Peter managed to stagger on until the 60 seconds was up...

PJ: I don't like that stagger!

DN: I once did a tour abroad with Peggy Mount, and she brought a machine which gave out the noise of a pregnant mosquito and the idea was it would keep them away, but in fact it attracted all the male mosquitoes and she was stung all over! Isn't that interesting!

NP: Peter Jones, you kept going manfully...

PJ: Thank you very much.

NP: ... for 60 seconds and got that extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And including all the other points you have a commanding lead at the end of that round.

PJ: Ah great.

NP: And Martin Jarvis and Kenneth Williams are trailing a little. Martin begins the next round. Martin the subject is Sam Goldwyn. Would you talk about one of the greats of the Hollywood era in 60 seconds starting now.

MJ: Sam Goldwyn was a great Hollywood producer, famous for his bon mots and the mistakes he made. He would say things like what we want is a story that starts with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. Let's bring this movie up to date with a load of 20th century dialogue. I was always an independent even when I had partners. Include me out, the picture makers will examine the earth. He was actually originally a glove maker from Minxt.


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: A hesitation.

NP: I know, a fullstop I think.

PJ: Yes.

NP: I think he had said all that he had on Sam Goldwyn....

MJ: I think I did.

NP: ... which impressed us immeasurably and then he ceased. So Peter you have him for hesitation, you have the subject, and you have 23 seconds starting now.

PJ: After discussing for some time his early days in Hollywood, he was heard to remark "yes we've all passed a lot of water since those days". That was one of his more famous ah Goldwynisms...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so Kenneth, so you have 10 seconds on Sam Goldwyn starting now.

KW: He rang me up from Hollywood and said "come and rub your belly in the hot sand and I will make a new future for you". I said "hang on, I'm on nights, what are you talking about..."


NP: So Kenneth kept us going magnificently until the whistle went, gained an extra point, he's now in third place. Peter, Peter, snoring. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Yes well I remember I was sleeping with my wife in the south of France as I am inclined from time to ah...


NP: He's sleeping with his wife, he's inclined to err! But you got in Martin and there are 52 seconds on snoring with you starting now.

MJ: Snoring is a very attractive little place in northern Norway. Normally pronounced and spelt Schnoring. And there you'll find lovely little cottages with...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: If it's spelt and pronounced Schnoring, it isn't snoring! Is it?

NP: It depends how you say it.

MJ: Most people actually say Snoring, even though they mean Schnoring.

PJ: No, but you say it is pronounced Schnoring and it's written Schnoring...

MJ: By the, by the Laps actually.

PJ: Yes.

NP: I see, I see his point...

PJ: I'm interested in minorities always. I get shoals of letters from Lapland, or as they say over there, schools of ah letters or lutters as they call them.

NP: Have you made your point Peter?

PJ: Yes I think so.

NP: I disagree with it.

MJ: I agree with you Nicholas.

NP: And Martin I leave the subject with you, snoring, 41 seconds starting now.

MJ: In Schnoring people travel on sledges or dog sleighs in order to get to work or go to school. There's only one school actually in Schnoring...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two schools.

NP: There were two schools yes.

DN: He said there's only one.

MJ: There is only one.

NP: Thirty-two seconds for you Derek on snoring starting now.

DN: It's raining, it's pouring, the old man's snoring! I remember reciting that little rhyme as a child in a bate outside my schoolmistress's window. She used to come and look at me, and throw a tin can because she hated to be told that she was snoring of course. Because I had never actually heard her at it, but it had been rumoured by the school caretaker that she was...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: School twice.

NP: School twice, I'm sorry Derek. Kenneth you have the subject of snoring and 12 seconds starting now.

KW: This is something that can be cured straight away, as long as you arrange the pillow correctly so that the breathing is more convenient...


NP: So snoring kept Kenneth going till the whistle went, gained an extra point. He's still in third place, a little behind Derek Nimmo, just ahead of Martin Jarvis, and Peter Jones is still out in the lead. And Kenneth you begin the next round, the subject is Hercules and the hydra. And you have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

KW: (very slowly sounding out each syllable) The hydra was a challenge to Hercules, there is no question of that. And too often, people forget Elius who helped him slay this serpent whose breath was so deadly it could kill. Now, his friend burned the forest, and taking a brand, he actually maimed the creature. Whereupon Hercules committed the final execution and actually buried the head, and dipped his arrow into the blood which rendered it lethal in itself. And always occurred in the Pendipethes, a place called Lerner. And it moved on...


NP: Well I, I will tell our listeners that not only did the audience clap ecstatically, but also the other panellists clapped Kenneth's brilliance to keep going on such subject for 60 seconds without being interrupted and being consistently interesting and informative and um, he gains that extra point for speaking when the whistle went, but a bonus for not being interrupted. So two points there Kenneth, and you're still, no, you're now in second place alongside Derek Nimmo, but still behind our leader Peter Jones. Martin Jarvis will you begin the next round. The subject Martin is phobias. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

MJ: Phobias are irrational fears of things or people, perhaps like Nicholas Parsons would be a good example. You'd be very frightened of a person like that. Phobia also is stage fright. For instance the actor who couldn't remember his lines, we are all frightened of doing that ah on the...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation ah.

NP: Yes he erred and there are 42 seconds for you Derek on phobias starting now.

DN: Yes my sister has agoraphobia which is a very unpleasant thing because she doesn't like going outside very much. And therefore most of her existence is sheer and desperate torture because she's stuck in one room, except occasionally when she manages to...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: This isn't true! His sister's not stuck in one room! I mean every time I've seen her she's been as large as life, twice as natural, and certainly enjoying Knightsbridge!

NP: Well I'll put this to the audience! If you've seen Derek's sister in Knightsbridge... I don't know whether Derek's sister is in the room or whether she's in Knightsbridge.

DN: He doesn't go west of Great Portland Street, does he!

MJ: But you stick her in one room, listening to this, which she'll be doing at this moment!

NP: Yes.

DN: She doesn't move out, poor darling! It's very very sad.

NP: So we have to believe that Derek was speaking the truth then, and tell him to continue with phobias with 25 seconds left starting now.

DN: Another kind of phobia that one can develop is a tremendous hatred of people who are snoring. I remember a schoolmistress of my acquaintance who was once frightened by a bunyip, and therefore developed a terrible phobia. Because every time she travelled across the Antipodes, the phobia would come upon her. And not only a phobia for that, but for mosquitoes as well...


NP: Well Derek Nimmo, an experienced exponent of the game, illustrated another way to keep going when all else has failed, bring in aspects of all the subjects we've discussed already.

DN: I was just getting round to Sam Goldwyn if you hadn't interrupted!

NP: He was bitten by a mosquito and he was... anyway it doesn't matter. Derek you've moved forward there, one for speaking as the whistle went takes you one behind our leader Peter Jones. And I think it's your turn to begin, yes it is. The subject is weights. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Weights and measures, I think I was taught first of all about weights used in their carolling sense. Those people that were employed by the courts of old to wander round and give the time. and then eventually at the Christmastide, sang pretty songs outside the door, that you've all heard singers of one kind or another, pitching up at Yuletide, and giving you a little rendition of some popular tune. They are called waits because they had to do this outside. They had to wait and that's why they were...


NP: And Martin Jarvis challenged.

DN: What's the matter?

MJ: There was a repetition of outside.

NP: That's right you did say outside before. Outside the um, people singing outside and then you said outside again. So Martin you have a correct challenge and 29 seconds on weights starting now.

MJ: When I was at school, coming home on the bus with my friend Philip um Halley, we used to buy weights. We used to go into the shop and say "two weights please" because you could get them in little tiny packets and light up, and the bus conductor would very often tell us to get off the bus because...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of bus.

NP: You get on the bus too often I'm afraid.

MJ: Yes that's right.

NP: Yes. So Derek you've got in with 13 seconds on weights starting now.

DN: The holly and the ivy
When they are both full grown,
Of all the trees that are in the wood,
The aforementioned bears the crown.
That was one of the songs that waits used to do at this particular December the 25th that I was um...


NP: So Derek Nimmo kept going till the whistle went and now has overtaken our leader who was Peter Jones. But Peter begins the next round, Peter the subject is Bognor Regis. Would you tell us something about that delightful town in the game starting now.

PJ: It really is a very pleasant town. Slightly seedy with the paint on the verandas peeling. But these white buildings that are battle scarred. And it was a favourite place for George the Fifth. He used to visit that place to convalesce...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two places.

NP: There were two places.

PJ: Oh yes so there were.

NP: Yes that place and visit that place. Kenneth you have Bognor Regis and you have 43 seconds starting now.

KW: It was in Bognor Regis that Beacham was told, and he was one of the world's great conductors, that Malcolm Sargent was returning to the Far East, and he said "oh another flash in Japan!" Well everyone around was impressed by this wit and they said Bognor was all the better for it. Because as... oh....


NP: Martin Jarvis challenged.

KW: Yes I got mixed up there.

MJ: There was a, well, Kenneth said it himself. There was a bit of a mixup although it was extremely interesting.

KW: Yeah that's right, it could be construed as a hesitation.

MJ: Yes.

NP: It could be?

KW: It could be.

NP: Oh well, I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt. But well, very generous of you Kenneth.

MJ: Very decent of you Kenneth.

NP: Martin has 14 seconds on Bognor Regis starting now.

MJ: When George the Fifth was lying ill in bed
The man by his side, his doctor said
"Don't worry, your Majesty..."


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I don't believe the doctor was in bed with King George The Fifth! Deviation!

MJ: No...

KW: You said he was lying by his side!

NP: Lying by his side.

KW: You said it!

MJ: He was lying because in fact...

KW: No!

MJ: If you're going to listen, he wasn't in fact he was saying the truth. He was trying to cheer him up. He was going...

DN: I don't believe he and the doctor were in bed together when he was ill!

MJ: Oh I never suggested they were in bed together. He had a bedside manner, this doctor, he was beside the bed, and he was going to...

KW: He might have done it, yes, to cheer him up! He might have gone in with him to cheer him up! Very good! I wouldn't mind a few getting in beside me! It’d cheer me up, I can tell you! Nobody wants to be lonely!

NP: I think that what we'll do is, as you're in the lead, and Martin is a guest, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt...

MJ: Benefit of the doubt.

NP: Because it was a slip of the tongue but he didn't deviate from Bognor Regis and so we'll say you have seven seconds on the subject starting now.

MJ: And the doctor said "don't worry your Majesty, soon it will be..."


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of doctor.

NP: Yes the doctor, you mentioned him before.

MJ: Oh did I?

NP: Yes but it was a bit devious what he was doing! But certainly enough, he's been mentioned twice, that is repetition. So Peter you have five seconds on Bognor Regis starting now.

PJ: He said "Bognor will do you the world of good". And the old King replied "(the word bugger is beeped) Bognor!"



PJ: Well...

NP: Derek actually challenged you before that.

DN: Well I'm just relieved that it wasn't the doctor who said "(the word bugger is beeped) Bognor!" But never mind...

NP: No...

DN: (laughing) I was I... I... it was the repetition of King that I was challenging on.

NP: It was repetition of King, yes.

DN: Yes well there you are. One's finding out quite a lot on this programme today really.

NP: So he did actually repeat the word King, I'm very sorry Peter, so you've got in...

KW: Do you allow bad language on this programme? Are you going to allow that?

NP: Well...

DN: It's true! he did say that!

NP: There's nothing I can do about it. It's a spontaneous show.

KW: It's supposed to be a decent family audience.

NP: Whatever comes out comes out. That's the way it goes.

PJ: Well he's credited with a number of last words. Another phrase that he was credited with was "how goes the Empire?" That's not as funny, I suppose, as the Bognor one. But ah...

DN: Unless your name is Mister Milestone really.

NP: He did actually say that and so Peter was repeating it. Perhaps he shouldn't have done it in a family show which is going around the world and might affect certain people's susceptibilities. But Derek got in alas...

PJ: Well if I shouldn't have said it, certainly the King shouldn't have said it!

NP: And on his death bed. Didn't give him much time to make his peace did it. There is half a second for you Derek on Bognor Regis starting now.

DN: Bognor Regis is...


NP: So Derek getting in just before the whistle, gaining an extra point as well, has increased his lead over Peter Jones at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams is in third place just ahead of Martin Jarvis. And Kenneth begins the next round. And rather aptly after what Martin said about the King and the doctor, the next subject is falling out of bed. Can you tell us something about that Kenneth, in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: It actually happened to me and I'll tell you why. It was because the surroundings were strange. And when I woke, almost somnambulant I might add, I had imagined I was in my place. But alas this was not so. Thinking that, I was putting the foot out from under the sheets, I would reach the ground in a certain time that I calculated in the intellectual sense of that word, I made an error. And found that the ground further from me that I had anticipated. Consequently I went over with a terrible crash. Luckily no jelly or chamber pot was in the way, otherwise it might have been even worse. But no, the springs shoved me...


NP: Well this could be a record for Just A Minute. In the same show Kenneth Williams started with the subject and finished with the subject without being interrupted. Well done again Kenneth. A point for speaking as the whistle went, a point for not being interrupted, and...

DN: He did repeat ground, but I thought he was being very funny.

NP: Yes! He was being very entertaining and he kept going marvellously. Kenneth you're two points behind Peter Jones, a few behind our leader Derek Nimmo, and just ahead of Martin Jarvis. And Martin will you begin the next round, which might be the last in this week's show. The subject is a flash in the pan, oh dear! I might tell you that Ian Messiter thinks of these subjects way in advance of the show so there's no premeditation in any of this. Who's to know what's going to come next, especially in Just A Minute. So that's the subject, and will you talk on it Martin starting now.

MJ: A friend of mine at school called Philip Hinton who often used to come to my house with fireworks, and I occasionally went home on the bus with him, once took me to a conjuring show. And this conjuror who was absolutely marvellous put a wonderful kind of, ah, piece of flashpaper...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation ah.

NP: I think it was hesitation Martin. There are 44 seconds left for you Derek to talk on a flash in the pan starting now.

DN: So when Sam Goldwyn telephoned Kenneth Williams and said "I'd like to see your flash in the pan", they took him into the handily adjacent lavatory which had just been vacated by Mrs Peter Jones, who had returned from mosquito hunting in the Camarde. And that really was a flash in the pan, because he very seldom took her down to that particular part of the world, let alone sleep with her, as we well know. And though to find them both together, the... famous film director...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Absolutely Peter yes. There are 17 seconds with you Peter on a flash in the pan starting now.

PJ: This is something that happens very rarely. It's not quite as unusual as Halley's Comet which I believe occurs only once every several years. But nevertheless when you observe the repetition of this occurrence, it can be amazing...


NP: So Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went and gained that all important extra point. And alas, we have no more time to play Just A Minute. So l'll give you the final situation. Martin Jarvis, our guest, who has done so well in the past, well he contributed marvellously as usual. But he did finish in points a few behind Kenneth Williams who contributed a tremendous amount because he spoke incessantly. But only just four points behind Peter Jones, who just caught up with Derek Nimmo. And we have two joint winners at the end of this edition of Just A Minute, Peter Jones with Derek Nimmo! Well we do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air and we play this delightful and sometimes impossible game but tremendous fun. Until then, from all of us here good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.