JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,TRice
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and TIM RICE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 20 February 1985)

NOTE: Nicholas Parsons's 350th appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Tim Rice in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we have three of our regular players of the game, Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And we welcome back as our guest someone who has played it with great success before, Tim Rice. And once again I am going to ask them if they can speak if they can on the subject that I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And we are going to begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter, the subject is punctuality. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Well it's something that I certainly appreciate in other people. And I always make every effort to be punctual myself. Though you can go far with the result that if you're two minutes late, everybody thinks you've been run over, and then they ah get disappointed...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well I thought he rather hesitated there.

NP: Rather hesitated, yes I thought he'd been run over...

PJ: Yes, I was thinking of my own demise, under a bus or something, and naturally that brought me to a halt.

NP: The audience, the audience didn't react at all actually.

PJ: They did, they were aghast!

NP: Oh I see. Anyway it was a correct challenge so Kenneth you get a point for that and you take over the subject of punctuality and there are 43 seconds left starting now.

KW: Punctuality, as the old adage has it, is the sport of Kings. And of course...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

KW: I thought he'd fall right into that!

NP: Yes!

KW: As the old adage don't have it. That's what you're saying. I can see you coming a mile off!

NP: So Tim what was your challenge?

TIM RICE: I thought it was a load of cobblers!

NP: So you think he was deviating because it wasn't the old adage?

TR: Yes I would say so.

NP: Right. All right...

PJ: What is the old adage?

KW: The old adage is that punctuality is the privilege of Kings.

PJ: That's what I thought, yes.

NP: So he really knew it, but he unfortunately handed it on a plate to Tim Rice, whose verbal knowledge is tremendous and he has 36 seconds to talk on punctuality starting now.

TR: I cannot stand people who are punctual. They are extremely thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate individuals. Because time and occasion again...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation I thought.

KW: Oh I didn't.

NP: No I didn't. I think you could have had him for deviation for time and occasion again, occasion again...

KW: Yes! And after all he's a guest on the show. We ought to give some sort of courtesy!

NP: But he won last time he was...

KW: After all he's a distinguished man, he's very distinguished, isn't he. I mean, his name is up in lights outside theatres, he's a very distinguished man. It's a great honour for him to come to this dump!

NP: No I disagree, it was not, it was not hesitation. It might have been deviation but not hesitation. So Tim keeps the subject and there are 26 and a half seconds, punctuality starting now.

TR: How many times I have prepared a dinner table for nine o'clock and asked all my guests to turn up at that same hour only to find some great steaming wally turning up at a quarter to...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: I'm afraid a lot of hesitation there.

NP: Yes all right Kenneth, you've got the subject at last there, I know you want it. You have 13 and a half seconds on punctuality starting now.

KW: Punctuality is a virtue. And I am glad to say that I possess it in abundance. They say to me that I'll be coming up to your door and making you a very nice proposition...

WHISTLE

NP: Ian Messiter, who thought of the game as you know, also blows the whistle when the 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking when the whistle is blown gains an extra point, and of course it was Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is swimming. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: I usually do the breaststroke, and I think it actually sounds attractive you know. And the crawl I've also been complimented on. But the thing is...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: General lack of enthusiasm I felt for the subject.

NP: You're absolutely right but he wasn't committing any of the sins within the, or the rules of Just A Minute.

TR: Well there was a sort of overall hesitation tone to it...

NP: No!

TR: You kind of felt that he didn't want to say the next word.

NP: Well that may be true, but he still managed to keep going.

TR: Unfortunately!

NP: So he gets a point for a wrong challenge Tim and he continues with 45 seconds on swimming starting now.

KW: My instructor at school said to me "you use your arms quite well, but alas, the feet are not in operation. Now you will propel yourself with that much more elan and speed..." I was quite surprised at his vocabulary, quite frankly. "Do this." And he gave more these sort of wings, you blew them up. And I went down with a terrible sort of farting noise. And it was frightening because I thought oh dear, oh dear, I'm going to sink, you see...

WHISTLE

NP: (laughing) Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of oh dear oh dear.

NP: Yes you did say oh dear oh dear.

CF: Oh dear!

NP: So Clement you have a point and the subject and 15 seconds on swimming starting now.

CF: Swimming is just about the only thing you can do in deep water if you're not prepared to drown. And there are a number of good strokes which I would recommend to all my listeners, butterfly...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: That's not true. There's lots of things you can do in deep water without drowning. Such as diving if you have the right equipment.

PJ: Well you can shoot yourself if you've got a gun!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, KW AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh dear! He doesn't half come out with them, don't he!

NP: (laughing) Oh he does come out with them! That's one of the best remarks you've made in the show! We're going to give you a bonus point for that one Peter yes.

PJ: Ah! Yes.

NP: And I think we'll give, we'll give Tim a point for a good challenge because it was a good challenge on which you can't really make a decision, and that's the way I judge that. But Clement, Clement for interrupted gets a point and keeps the subject and there are...

CF: So we've all got a point?

NP: All except Kenneth who's still...

CF: Awwwww!

NP: ... who is still making those unfortunate noises with elan. And six seconds on swimming with you Clement starting now.

CF: I was pretty good at the breaststroke when I was a small boy and got worse as I grew older. Unfortunately the...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point. He's now in second place behind our equal leaders Tim Rice and Kenneth Williams. And Tim it's your turn to begin, the subject is stowaways. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

TR: Stowaways have a very romantic reputation. They are always thought of as people who brave against all the odds going as they creep by night, up the chain or even up the anchor, into a boat. But we must remember these men or women or children are in fact hardened criminals intent on only one...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Two ups and three ors!

NP: Yes!

TR: A boat has to have oars!

NP: No no, he's quite right, he was very generous, you said up the anchor and up the chain. You have a correct challenge, you have 40 seconds on stowaways starting now.

PJ: When I was a small boy, I used to dream of travelling abroad and going on sailing boats. But it was never as a passenger or even crew, it was as a stowaway. For some reason I had this perverse idea that it would be more exciting to be um...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I thought he hesitated, didn't you.

PJ: Hesitated yes.

NP: Yes he was so excited, he couldn't remember what it was. Kenneth you have a correct challenge, another point, and 24 seconds on stowaways starting now.

KW: The most famous stowaway of all time was Maudie Fittleworth-Fun-With-A-Frankfurter. She got on board the ship dressed as a sailor. And nobody dreamed that underneath that apparently rough visage was the tender...

BUZZ

KW: ... feminine form of nubile...

NP: Excuse me, Tim has challenged you. Tim?

TR: Leaving aside the fact that I've never heard of this character, she surely...

NP: She comes up regularly in Just A Minute!

TR: Oh really?

NP: I can tell you yes.

TR: If she stowed away, I mean if she was in disguise, she didn't stow away. The point of stowing away is that you hide.

NP: She was hiding, she was in disguise.

TR: No, but she breezed on apparently according to this ludicrous tale...

NP: Well it doesn't matter, that was her tactics, and she is Maudie Fittle, whatever her name is, you know...

PJ: Wasn't she disguised as a sailor?

TR: A sailor.

NP: No, as a frankfurter! She was disguised as a sailor. No that is a way of stowing away, what she did once she got on the ship, she had to stow away, but she had to get on board first. Your chap was up the anchor, up the chain, or whatever it was. She was going off with, no, no, he wasn't deviating from the subject. So Kenneth you continue with five seconds starting now.

KW: Another famous stowaway of course was...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of famous.

NP: You said yes, the famous famous Maudie Fittleworth, you know. What is it, Fittleworth or?

KW: Maudie Fittleworth-Fun-With-A-Frankfurter!

NP: Fun-With-A-Frankfurter, yes that's right. She comes up regularly in Just A Minute, just to establish for those who don't know. Three seconds for you Clement on stowaways starting now.

CF: You don't have to have a boat on which to stow away, you can do it...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point, and he's taken the lead one ahead of Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, and the subject keeping fish. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PJ: Our family never had much luck keeping fish. We always used to come down in the morning and find one of them keeling over sideways, or on the bottom of the... bowl... um... (long pause) And we tried several times. The children got a bit of fun out of burying one in a matchbox occasionally. And then later when they went to school, one of my sons ah dissected one. And the other one who was more interested in culinary art wanted to actually fry one of these fish that had passed away during one of these interminable nights. We tried to feed them with ah dried flies, ants eggs, all kinds of things, bread crumbs, and whatnot. It's terribly important not to keep changing the water. They need the oxygen but if you pass the water out at one end and get a new lot in at the other end, then you can sometimes discourage these fish from fighting for their lives against some of the other things that are in this ah bowl or aquarium. We didn't have tropical fish, that was much too expensive. And what time is the news on?

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter they were very unfair. You obviously didn't want to keep going, but you managed to keep going...

PJ: I know.

NP: And the audience enjoyed it, especially the news bit at the end. And ah so you're the first person in Just A Minute to go for one minute 20 seconds, and repeat everything half a dozen times and deviate...

PJ: Yes.

NP: But you got points in that round, in fact you got two, and you're still in fourth place!

PJ: Only two points for a minute and a half practically. It seems very mean really.

NP: Well shall I give you three then?

PJ: I don't mind really.

PJ: All right, give him three yes. You're still in fourth place! But you're only one behind Tim Rice and Kenneth Williams, and only two behind our leader Clement Freud. And who begins the next round? It is Tim Rice. Tim the worst film I ever saw. That is the subject, can you talk on it in the game starting now.

TR: It is very hard for a man who has seen so many movies like me, to decide which was the worst, the true pits of all the incredible list of pictures that I have sat through in various cinemas. The Odeon, the Geaumont, the Checkers in St Albans, to name but three. But one film...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation?

NP: No!

CF: Oh.

TR: I think I did. I cannot tell a lie...

NP: It was very dramatic, it was very challenging.

CF: Ah a dramatic hesitation?

TR: I thought I hesitated actually.

NP: Yes but as, when Tim doesn't act on the stage a great deal...

KW: No, and he's a guest! I mean after all you've got to give something!

NP: He's certainly brought a little bit of drama into his delivery...

KW: Yes!

NP: ... and he didn't really actually hesitate...

TR: I don't really want charity, Mister Chairman.

NP: No no no no, I don't think you hesitated, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt as I do on occasions...

TR: But I still haven't thought...

KW: Leave him to make up his mind!

NP: No, I have to explain my, my decisions sometimes. Otherwise I get letters, and then I have to answer them and I can't afford the postage! Well not at what they pay for me this, I can tell you! There are 42 seconds for the worst film I ever saw starting now.

TR: I must say it's difficult for me to recall which of these enormous number of movies I have witnessed...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of movies.

NP: You did say movies before.

TR: Yes I can't...

NP: You said pictures. you said films...

TR: I am trying to get rid of this subject!

NP: And you got rid of it and Clement Freud has it. There are 36 seconds Clement, the worst film I ever saw starting now.

CF: I think the worst film I ever saw was on an aeroplane when they’d run out of those things you stick in your ears, so I was unable to hear the sound. It appeared to be a film about keeping fish which was by far preferable to throwing away those animals...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I really think he was driving to a halt, yes Kenneth. You have 16 and a half seconds to tell us about the worst film I ever saw starting now.

KW: It was a silent movie. And I was taken at a special showing, would you believe, at the National Theatre. And it was a Grace production of The Trial Of Joan Of Arc. Well I thought it was lousy! They spat at her and all this...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point, and he has leapt forward alongside Clement Freud. And he also begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is Girolamo Savonarola. That is the subject, that is the man, can you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: It was in 1452 he was born. And his first preaching was done in Florence. A most zealous priest, I don't think anyone could deny that. But he came into a head-on collision really with the Medici family who were then ruling, and said that he could foresee the victory of the French. Well when it occurred and they took that city, the aforementioned family being very...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: Family was mentioned twice.

NP: Yes you mentioned the family before. So Tim can you talk about (in Italian accent) Girolamo Savonarola in Just A Minute now. You have 30 seconds left and if you can cope with that you’ll have a lot more points, I hope. Right you start now.

TR: By any standards, this guy was a few bricks short of a load. He was a nut. He was always standing on balconies, ranting away to the populace of Florence about obscure religious things that had no relevance and even less importance to the problems of the time. One of the greatest struggles that the local people had at that particular point in history was disease which was rife in the Papal Army. And the Popes in those days, my God, they were a nasty piece of work. In fact there were three or four of them operating at one moment. There was one in Avignon which is in France...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tim Rice certainly took the subject with passion and power and kept going until the whistle went, gains the extra point. And he's now one ahead, in the lead, of Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams, equal in second place. Peter Jones is just behind them. Clement Freud would you begin the next round, the subject, bears. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Bears are animals which Goldilocks felt very badly about. And I remember reading, or having read to me when I was small, by someone employed by my parents for that specific purpose, that this lady with hair which was of Kenneth Williams-like length and colour, sat on her bed and three small bears came along and one said "who has been eating my porridge with which one unblocks sinks..."

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well deviation, you don't unblock sinks with porridge.

CF: Oh yes!

NP: You can but you don't, I quite agree, that was deviation.

CF: Who doesn't?

NP: And anyway I think you could have had him for the hair, because your hair is not as long as Goldilocks's.

KW: Yes, but I don't like...

NP: It's golden locks...

KW: I never blow my own trumpet, I never do. I'm very modest by nature.

NP: Kenneth you have the subject and there are 26 seconds, 27 seconds on bears starting now.

KW: (in Australian accent) I had the great good fortune to see a koala when I was over there, you know, in Australia. And I said on the aeroplane, since we were flying Qantas, I hope very much, I am going to see your mascot, because they produce him at various little commercial things you know. It's very pleasant. And they are enchanting because they come and cuddle up to you, you know. And they make you feel...

WHISTLE

NP: Well well Kenneth Williams taking over the role of Dame Edna Everage kept going until the whistle went, and gained an extra point and he's in the lead again at the end of the round. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, milking a cow. I'm sure you've a great deal of experience on the subject. From the pained look on your face, you don't obviously want to talk on it, but will you try starting now.

PJ: It's best really to get a machine which clips on to the cow's nipples and suck the milk out. Which is a great relief to the animal because of course it's painful to be carrying all this around and not having any calves to take it away in the natural course of events. I feel quite strongly about that really because, you know, it's something that preoccupies me a good deal of the time. Milking cows, never having had the opportunity to get to grips as it were with it myself. But if one can get this apparatus which works I believe hydraulically by electricity. And it has a sort of air lock system which is not unlike unlocking ah the thing the sink...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

PJ: What?

NP: Tim has challenged.

PJ: Oh yes sorry, I thought they'd gone home for a minute.

NP: Tim, yes?

TR: I just felt rather sorry for him. No there was, there was a repeat of...

NP: I'm far more sorry for the cow, I can tell you!

TR: There was a repeat of lock.

NP: Yes yes, there was, yes. Yes I'm afraid yes. And the idea of unblocking the sink! Tim you have the subject and you have 12 seconds on milking a cow starting now.

TR: My own experience of milking a cow was a very painful one for both me and said animal. I went into the wrong stable and there was this enormous brute of a masculine animal. And I made the fatal mistake of grabbing it firmly between...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: It's the most appalling deviation!

NP: Why?

CF: I'd rather not say!

NP: You mean he was about to commit the most appalling deviation.

PJ: If he's asked to talk about milking a cow, and he goes in to a place where there's a bull and grapples with that, it's obviously deviating.

CF: If that isn't deviation, I would like to know...

NP: Yeah but you didn't actually say that Clement.

PJ: And cruelty to animals as well!

TR: No, the bull enjoyed it!

NP: Especially if you were using the machine that Peter Jones described! Which nobody picked him up on, which was not only hydraulic but also worked by electricity which I thought scientifically would have been quite an achievement. Peter, ah Clement, you have half a second on milking a cow starting now.

CF: There's no way...

WHISTLE

NP: Well it's a very interesting situation in Just A Minute if you are interested in the score, I know some people are. Most of us go by what they contribute, and it's all equal there. But we happen to have an equal score in the lead. Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud and our guest Tim Rice equal on 11 points. And Peter Jones isn't far behind. He never is actually! Tim it's your turn to begin, the subject, my favourite sport. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

TR: I think it's true to say that my favourite sport is cricket. And the one trouble with this is that I'm now much more famous for liking cricket than all my attempts to write. In fact people send me letters about cricket and hardly ever show...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of cricket.

CF: Only three!

TR: Oh I thought it was in the title, I forgot.

KW: You're dealing with a guest, you know!

TR: No he's quite...

NP: A very successful guest.

TR: He's quite...

KW: I know!

TR: He's quite right, he's quite right.

KW: I think we should have a little more gallantry.

TR: I've been playing very badly in the last few minutes.

KW: No, no, no, lovely Tim, you're doing nicely.

NP: Very nicely, Look how hurt Peter Jones looks now.

TR: I thought I was...

PJ: Hurt? No, I'm not hurt.

NP: But you had a correct challenge, cricket yes, he repeated that Peter.

PJ: Ah right.

NP: You're creeping up on our three leaders and you have 47 seconds to talk on my favourite sport starting now.

PJ: One of the best sports I ever met was in Sydney at the Dockside. She was, her name was Mary-Anne Forderbatch and she was a real sport, I'm here to tell you. And at Christmas one could describe her as a cracker! We enjoyed that time that I was visiting the Antipodes that I made her acquaintance. And we went out to dinner and she was um...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

PJ: People seem to put their buzzers down as soon as I start speaking.

KW: He erred.

NP: Yes well I think that's what actually happened, he did err.

KW: Yes.

NP: Took her out to dinner and he erred. And as you also paused in Just A Minute, Kenneth got in first with the challenge and there are 15 seconds for you Kenneth to talk about my favourite sport starting now.

KW: My favourite sport used to be football. But then I got kicked and my nose was put out of joint. And consequently I suffered terribly from what is known...

BUZZ

NP: Tim challenged.

TR: Do you have a joint in your nose?

NP: Oh yes.

PJ: Well he doesn't now! That accounts for it. It's a fascinating nose and I've often wondered about it, and here we're getting the true story!

NP: Um Kenneth you have four seconds on my favourite sport starting now.

KW: So I don't play much any more, but I do enjoy a...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth kept going till the whistle, and has moved forward into a definite lead and he also begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is bluff. A great deal of that is shown in this game, but will you talk on the subject starting now.

KW: Yes well you bluff people, by pretending something is so that hasn't really occurred at all, you see. I said I've read Afariant as the juvenile lead in Skegness. And since nobody went to check up at that actual place, I got the job! It was only three pounds a week, but I did terribly well, SM and small parts. I would go on and say "the Duchess awaits", or "the vicar's here" or whatever it was, you see. And had to do my hair all sort of grey. And inside the hat, oh dear, it was revolting. People said you look awful. And I did because I was a character actor. And of course as a character actor, you have to do all those...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Two character actors.

NP: There were two character actors.

KW: Oh I didn't notice! That's funny!

NP: So Tim has a point and the subject and 30 seconds on bluff starting now.

TR: Bluff is something which I'm not very good at. My face is transparently honest. And anything I say is always the truth, continually accurate. Anybody who hears me utter, knows that what I am going forth with from my larynx and vocal chords is actually the whole...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two actuallys.

NP: Yes, you said actually before I'm afraid. And so Clement has a point, and equal there just behind Kenneth, the last round, very exciting for those who keep the score. And 13 seconds on bluff Clement starting now.

CF: Bluff is something that blind men play with enormous enjoyment. I can't remember how many times I've seen sightless persons frolicking upon the field behind the vicarage...

WHISTLE

NP: And nobody challenged him on one of the most devious thoughts I've ever heard in Just A Minute. Poor blind people frolicking about! No! But Clement, no-one challenged you, you kept going till the whistle went, and you got an extra point then. So let me give you the final score for those who are interested. Peter Jones, in spite of speaking a great deal, did finish in fourth place. A few points behind our guest who triumphed last time and he came in third place. But very interesting, he was one point behind Clement Freud, who was one point behind this week's winner, oh glory be, lackaday, as he would say, Kenneth Williams! So a popular win with our audience here in the studio, and I hope it was equally popular with our listeners wherever you are. Until we tune in, no, until you tune, I've gone! I'm going to lose the job! Until you tune in again same time next week, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.