ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Martin Jarvis in Just A Minute. As the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And those of you who know the game well will recognise that we have three of our regular players of the game. And we welcome back as our guest someone who played it with great success a few weeks back, Martin Jarvis. And as usual I will ask our four panellists if they can speak, at different times we hope, on the subject that i will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And let us begin the show with Kenneth Williams and who better. And the subject Kenneth is taking command. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: This is something that has indeed happened to me. I was a sergeant in Singapore and had to parade some girls in the WACS. And they had a sergeant-major but she was a bit effeminate, so I was chosen to do the orders, you see. "Oh, by the left, quick march!" Well you're supposed to wait when you say "halt" until the left foot is passing the other one. Well I failed. And there was a terrible kerfuffle where they all sort of stumbled and fell about you see...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Derek. It's a tough and I think rather mean challenge because it's a lovely story but it was correct...

DN: All right, give it back to Ken.

NP: No no, it was a correct challenge so within the game you are correct. Therefore you gain a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject of taking command and you start now.

DN: As Nero said, you can't change the course of history, by turning pictures to the wall. In other words, you must take command. Think of the great soldiers of our past, the airmen, the sailors. They have taken command, that is why we are the nation that we are. Ladies and gentlemen, I plead for leadership...


DN: What's the matter?

NP: Martin Jarvis has challenged you.

MARTIN JARVIS: He said "we are the nation that we are", isn't that repetition?

NP: Yes that's repetition of we are. Yeah yes. Well listened. So with 11 seconds to go, you've got a point and the subject, taking command starting now.

MJ: Taking command is something that American actors do extremely well in war movies. I once had the good fortune to be in a film with Stuart Whitman, that excellent performer. And he said to me one day, "Martin I..."


NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And it was our guest Martin Jarvis who is in the lead at the end of the first round. Derek will you take the next round, the subject is barley. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: Fields of barley and of rye, I seem to have heard that already today somehow. But barley is a very nice long grass. It is grown in fields and used to make malt with. Ah...


NP: Martin Jarvis has challenged.

MJ: Was there a little hesitation on malt, I ask myself.

NP: No there wasn't, there was a repetition of fields, but nobody picked it up.

MJ: Oh God!

NP: So Derek still has the subject and there are 49 seconds on barley starting now.

DN: Barley, if you read Opie's excellent book, The Law And Language Of Schoolchildren, you will find that barley is a truce word used by the smaller members of the community. Like feigns or feighnites, it comes from parley, the French, to speak, the word same used in Parliament for instance. Now if you seek sanctuary by saying barley in a rather rough established kind of concoction that little people get up to...


DN: What's the matter?

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: It's becoming incoherent! You can't speak in a concoction.

NP: So are you challenging for deviation.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Yes I think if you speak in a concoction, it is incoherent, I would have thought that.

DN: Well I ought to avoid that, being incoherent really yes.

NP: So that I will interpret as deviation, and Peter you have a point and the subject of barley, and there are 26 seconds starting now.

PJ: Malted and then toasted, in combination with hops, you can make ale or beer. And it's really an excellent drink. It's extremely expensive now, more so even than it was yesterday. However with the right kind of water added, it makes a reasonable, nourishing ah...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Derek. Five seconds for you on barley starting now.

DN: (in Scottish accent) The cock may craw, the day may daw, And aye we'll taste the barley water...


NP: Martin Jarvis challenged.

MJ: He's still incoherent!

DN: Nicholas Parsons was educated in Scotland and understands the dialect.

PJ: No, he was in Scotland! That's all!

NP: But I did benefit from some of the excellent education that they administer up there. And as I was up there, and I do recognise that he was speaking reasonably ah well, but with a rather bad accent, I will say that Derek, you were not incoherent to a Scot. So there are two seconds left on barley starting now.

DN: Robbie Burns when he blew the barley...


NP: And needless to remind you that Derek Nimmo got a number of points in that round, including one for speaking when the whistle went, and he's now in the lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones will you take the next round, the subject is second-hand cars. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well I, personally, haven't been very lucky with second-hand cars. I've owned three in all. And one of them... the accelerator...


NP: Martin Jarvis has challenged.

MJ: One of them, a bit of hesitation after that I thought.

NP: Yes I think there was hesitation, enough within the game to be guilty, and therefore 51 seconds are left for you to take over this subject, second-hand cars, Martin starting now.

MJ: I've been fearfully lucky with second-hand cars. Particularly one which was a Daimler Sovereign which I bought for 300 pounds. And the reason why I was so fortunate was that I ran out of petrol on the M1. And so I took advantage of the Automobile Association's special relay scheme. I rang them up, they put the car on the back of a truck and drove me home, thereby saving a good deal of money on petrol. And...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of petrol.

NP: Yes you repeated the petrol before unfortunately Martin. And so Peter has the subject back and there are 28 seconds, second-hand cars Peter starting now.

PJ: The accelerator jammed on the bottom of the car. And when I took it back and complained, they said "yes well this model does tend to do that"...


PJ: ... which I thought was a rather poor sort of response...

NP: Martin Jarvis challenged before you got that non-response from the audience. Martin what was your challenge?

MJ: I thought there was a bit of a hesitation.

NP: There was an awful lot of hesitation...

PJ: It is a mannerism. You're new to this game, or new, anyway new to me playing it with you Martin. You have to make allowances for this characteristic sort of style of speech...

NP: As I disallowed Derek's correct challenge on Peter there, it would only be fair to disallow your correct challenge, otherwise you'll get the points at Derek's advantage, you see.

MJ: Oh right.

NP: So Peter Jones continues with second-hand cars and there are 18 seconds left Peter starting now.

PJ: The other one actually exploded on the M4, and burnt to a cinder as I was approaching the get-off point at Chissick. And the fire brigade came and the police and the potted plants that were in the...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation. He doesn't seem to have got to the end of this anecdote. Terribly boring, isn't it.

NP: Yes, he said he wanted to tell it because it was so funny...

DN: A wonderful story about his accelerator! It's been total boredom for 35 seconds!

PJ: It's never been an offence to be boring on this programme! Otherwise you wouldn't have been here!


DN: Well well!

NP: What he didn't establish was whether he got out of the car before it burnt to a cinder.

PJ: Well I know, I might have said you before, I thought, or something.

NP: Right anyway Derek, I agree with that challenge and there are five seconds for you on second-hand cars starting now.

DN: I had a 1936 Buick which only did eight miles to the gallon. And when I went to the filling station to have petrol put into it, they said please...


NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking then as the whistle went, gained that extra point and has increased his lead at the end of that round. Martin Jarvis will you take the next round, the subject is package deal holidays. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

MJ: (in impression of Freddie Laker) Hello, my name is Eddie Faker. And I would like you to fly on my people's airline, I will take you to Miami in a package deal. (normal voice) When I heard this advertisement, I thought marvellous, I am going to take my family to America. We...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Ah repetition of take.

NP: Yes you did say take more than once. You see Freddie Laker said take...

DN: Freddie Faker, I think you said, didn't you?

MJ: I never mentioned Freddie Laker, I said Eddie Faker. I don't know what you mean by Freddie Laker.

NP: I wonder what made me say what I did say! All right but you did repeat the word take, and there are 45 seconds for Derek on package deal holidays starting now.

DN: I'm not really very frightened of flying. But I always feel that when you go to an airport, they should have something slightly more hopeful than the sign that greets you which says "terminal"! Because it does give you some kind of depression. And then you get on to your package deal holiday and fly away, across the mountains, the alps, and arrive eventually say in Greece. And the trouble with a package deal holiday is that you're surrounded by English, who are so terribly boring, the last people you want to see when you're going on to France. Because you don't really go, or at least I don't. So I'm not very fond of package deal holidays, even when put about by Eddie Faker. Because I think they are rather boring and sometimes...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: A boring repetition of boring!

NP: That's right, you mentioned boring before. And you see, he repeated don't, which wasn't picked up. I only mention it in case someone writes in. We don't need the letters...

DN: Don't? We're looking for don'ts, now are we?

NP: No, I'm listening for everything, the way that you're being so sharp this week. There are eight seconds for you Peter on package deal holidays starting now.

PJ: They are arranged by travel agents in conjunction with the airlines. And the airlines are able...


NP: Martin Jarvis challenged.

MJ: I think he said airlines twice.

NP: He did indeed!

PJ: There's an echo in this room!

NP: Very rapidly, there are three seconds for you on package deal holidays Martin starting now.

MJ: On our package deal holiday, we flew to the Everglades and...


NP: So Martin Jarvis got a number of points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went. And he's now equal in second place with Peter Jones, who are three points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth Williams begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is Halley's Comet. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Halley's Comet is thus called, because Halley looked through a telescope and saw it actually through the sky. And said "hello, I don't think anyone's ever seen this before, I'll call it after myself!" Which was conceited, but still he got away with it, and everyone ever since has always referred to this meteor as being Halley's Comet...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, it's not true. It's real name is Hawley's Comet. Not everyone has referred to it as Halley. I'm a member of the Hawley's Comet Society, and have been for some eight years.

PJ: Well this is a different comet.

DN: Along with, along with Patrick Moore, Harold Wilson, Lady Falkender. We're all members of the Hawley's Comet Society and the correct pronunciation is Hawley. So my challenge is deviation because the pronunciation is wrong. Thank you very much!

NP: But you challenged because you said everyone...

DN: Has always called it Halley and I said no...

PJ: But that's the orchestra you're thinking about.

DN: That's right.

NP: So some people call it Hawley and some people call it Halley. I will tell you what I will do, because I think this is an interpretation of a pronunciation, let's leave it to the wiser judgement and opinion of our audience. Now if you agree with er Derek's challenge then you cheer for him. And if you disagree, you boo for Kenneth and you all do it together now.


KW: They don't want any part of it.

NP: They don't want part of it.

KW: They want no part in any of these judgements.

DN: They want a chairman who makes his own decisions! That's what you're there for! Decide!

KW: You've got to make up your mind Nicholas!

NP: I've made up my mind...

KW: He's squirming! He's squirming! You can see him squirming on that thing...

NP: I entirely accept what Derek has said, but I think it would be a very mean challenge and therefore I'm leaving it with you Kenneth and tell you that you have 33 seconds on Halley or Hawley's Comet starting now.

KW: Well Hawley's Comet was first seen when he looked through this telescope, you see, and he said "hello..."


NP: (laughing) Derek Nimmo.

DN: Well he's gone through this telescope and saying "hello" twice, hasn't he!

NP: Yes! So repetition of a large number of words which Derek picked up, and he has 28 seconds now to talk on Hawley or Halley's Comet starting now.

DN: (in bang-on impression of KW, the best I've heard) Well this fellow, you see, looked through his telescope and said "hello..."


NP: Martin Jarvis challenged.

MJ: He's repeating exactly what Kenneth Williams has just said!

NP: I know but he hasn't said it before, so he can say it if he wishes.

MJ: Oh I see.

NP: So if you get the subject, you can repeat the same words if you wish.

KW: But Mister Chairman, are you going to allow me to be taken the rise out of? He's taking the rise! He's taking the rise out of me!

NP: Well he's just...

KW: You could hear that! You could hear that! That was an impersonation, wasn't it!


KW: That's not allowed under...

NP: I thought you were doing an impersonation of Halley or Hawley.

KW: Oh I see, all right.

NP: And he was impersonating you impersonating Halley.

KW: Oh I'm sorry.

NP: What he did pinch was your dialogue which wasn't brilliant in the first place!

KW: No, you can say that again! (laughs)

NP: So Derek still has 25 seconds on Halley or Hawley's Comet starting now.

DN: We members of the Hawley's Comet Society are flying off to Sri Lanka...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: He's mentioned the society before.

DN: Not within the game.

NP: Not within the game Peter.

PJ: Yes!

DN: No, that was when I was making my very long and lengthy and rather boring complaint. It wasn't actually in the game.

PJ: Oh I see. I didn't know you had made a complaint.

NP: Yes, oh yes, he's always making complaints.

PJ: Ah.

NP: But as I thought it was very interesting, not only for our audience but our listeners at home, I let him go on, because I always try to be fair and generous. But in following that precept, I say I'm afraid it was a wrong challenge Peter. And Derek keeps the subject and there are 22 seconds left starting now.

DN: Patrick Moore, Lady Falkender and Harold Wilson are flying off in a 74-set to this island near India...


NP: Martin Jarvis challenged.

MJ: There was hesitation when he was thinking about India.

NP: The set, after set, you're right Martin, so you have 19, no, 14 seconds on Halley's Comet or Hawley's, whichever you want, starting now.

MJ: When I was at school, I had a friend called Philip Halley. He once came to tea with me, and he brought a little firework with him. It was called The Blazing Comet. And while my mother was in the kitchen, he put this little thing into the fire...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of little.

NP: That's right Peter, you are in with three seconds on this subject starting now.

PJ: He said "come over here Mrs Hawley..."


NP: Martin Jarvis challenged.

MJ: There was a pause after he said.

NP: No there wasn't! Peter you have one and a half seconds on the subject starting now.

PJ: And have a look at this interesting phenomenon...


NP: So Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went. Derek Nimmo is still in the lead, two ahead of Peter Jones, who is two ahead of Martin Jarvis. And the're all a few ahead of Kenneth Williams. And, but he gives us such great value, doesn't he! Derek your turn to begin, the subject, avoiding a party. Will you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I suppose the sort of party one ought to avoid is the kind that if you are invited to it is a beer party, and they lock the bathroom door. Because that does tend to make things awfully uncomfortable. But Lord Mountbatten of Burma, when he was Viceroy of India, he was in fact having a very nice party at the Lutchens Palace, designed for that particular office which he then occupied. And he heard the band playing at the other end of the ballroom, and liked the tune very much. He sent the aide DC over to find out what it was and he came back and smarted, saluted and said "I Shall Remember Your Kisses, Your Excellency, when you have forgotten my name." Which seemed to be rather bold and did surprise the gentleman I was talking about a few moments ago. Other kinds of parties that I would like to avoid are invitations to Nicholas Parsons' 60th birthday...


NP: Martin Jarvis has challenged.

MJ: Well I...

PJ: That was long ago so there's no possibility of being invited to it!

MJ: There were a lot of hesitations and I thought it was terribly insulting.

NP: Yes but I'm afraid...


NP: Oh yes please clap for the insults! But I can't give any points for that because it's not one of the rules of the game. Um but so you were challenging for...?

MJ: There was a hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation, yes indeed. There was a hesitation and he did need to hesitate after what he said about me too.

PJ: Quite! Quite!

NP: There are nine seconds for avoiding a party with you Martin starting now.

MJ: One of the parties that I really would like to avoid would be at the Hawley Comet Society! Because I think it would be one of the most boring kinds of party there could possibly be...


NP: Well Martin Jarvis has now moved forward into second place equal with Peter Jones, and they're still just behind Derek Nimmo. And Peter it's your turn to begin. Now the next subject is one word and it is Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. It is actually the name of a small village in Wales, and it is one long word. Do you want to write it down Derek?

DN: Will you just say it again please?

NP: Llan... oh he's really putting me through it! Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Do you want to know what it means in English?

DN: It's a little village, a little tree by a stream by a village by a hill or something...

NP: The Church of St Mary in a hollow white hazel, near to a rapid whirlpool and to St Silio's Church, near to a red cave. That's the translation into English.

MJ: Nicholas, I have an appointment around midnight. is there... may we get on with the game?

NP: Certainly, after 30 minutes, the show will be over. And after 60 seconds this round will be over. Peter you begin and can you start now.

PJ: Well you idiot, you've already gone over everything that I have to say about it! Describing what it means in English. It is about the longest name of a railway station as far as I know, in the British Isles. One of the shortest is Wem, where I actually come from, W-E-M...


NP: Martin Jarvis challenged.

MJ: I think Wem is a deviation.

NP: Why?

MJ: Because he's talking about Llanfair-thingamy-bob. Or should be.

NP: Well he said that was the longest name for a railway station in contrast to one of the shortest. I don't think...

MJ: Well yeah.

DN: If he's going to claim deviation, he's got to be able to say what he's deviating from! What was the subject that he was deviating from?

MJ: He was deviating from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.


NP: And that of course was done from memory, wasn’t it.

MJ: Absolutely!

NP: Yes. Peter I'm sorry if I pre-empted some of the things you were going to say. But as I didn't say them while you were in your discussion on the subject, you can still repeat them if you wish. So that was an incorrect challenge for you Peter, you have another point, 38 and a half seconds Peter still on Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch starting now.

PJ: I believe the railway station there has been closed for some years...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Repetition, he's already mentioned the railway station.

NP: You mentioned the railway station before.

PJ: I did? I thought you mentioned the railway station.

NP: No no, you mentioned the railway station. I will be honest and say that I didn't even know there was a railway station there.

PJ: Well how could you have mentioned it?

NP: You mentioned it!

PJ: I mentioned it?

NP: It must be, it must be a very long platform to get all that name all the way down.

DN: Did you realise there was a railway station there?

PJ: Yes it's closed actually. It hasn't been there for some time.

DN: Well Peter wouldn't have mentioned it if it had been closed, would he?

NP: Well anyway the point is you did mention it before and Kenneth picked up the challenge and he now has 35 seconds on Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch starting now.

KW: Well I was there actually on my way to Byttycoed. I stopped off in this place and I must say the enchanting atmosphere is as poetic as the land itself. Harry Secombe, an old friend of mine, said to me "when you are there, pop into Mrs Jones who does lovely scones. And muffins and butter and all..."


NP: So Kenneth Williams not only entertained us, but got a number of rounds, number of rounds in that point. Got a number of points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went, and he's still in fourth place. But he's catching up on the others. It's Martin Jarvis' turn to begin, the subject Martin is the eighth wonder of the world.

MJ: Don't we...

NP: The eighth wonder of the world. The eight wonder of the world. You look absolutely...

KW: Why do you keep repeating everything?

NP: Because I must explain to our listeners, Martin is looking at me with utter amazement on his face.

MJ: No, the thing was I thought I started too early, because I thought you were going to say "starting from now".

NP: Yes that's right, I will say that in a moment.

DN: When he stops saying "the eighth wonder of the world". He's taking rather a long time to get round to it! I do agree.

NP: You have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

MJ: Some people think the eighth wonder of the world is Kenneth Williams. And though I admire him very much, I believe the eighth wonder of the world to be my wife. When I look at my lovely little lady there... oh...


NP: When you look at her, you pause?

KW: No well you see, she was there and she wasn't there, that's the point.

MJ: Yes.

NP: So Derek got in on the challenge which I know is hesitation, 46 seconds Derek on the eighth wonder of the world starting now.

DN: Well it really would be rather a cheap joke to say Nicholas Parsons was the eighth wonder of the world, especially as he's approaching his 60th birthday. But in fact I will say, and I mean this quite sincerely, that I think the Sydney Opera House...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PJ: Because he obviously doesn't mean it sincerely.

NP: A very clever challenge Peter.

PJ: Thank you very much.

NP: He keeps harping on this age thing. We've only got to look at him to know what age he is!

DN: Can we put that to the audience?

NP: I wouldn't dream of insulting you to the same extent Derek. Um there are 37 seconds for you Peter on the eighth wonder of the world starting now.

PJ: It's rather a gloomy observation I suppose, but I would think that nuclear war was probably the eighth wonder because it provides the means for destroying the other seven. And indeed the world itself...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, I think all but one of the other seven have already been destroyed.

NP: Well he could still destroy the remains...

DN: You can't destroy something that has been destroyed, can you?

NP: No...

DN: The Colossus of Rhodes has gone. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon have gone. Only the Pyramids remain.

NP: Well there we are, one of them remains so...

DN: He said all!

NP: Yes he said all, and some of them still remain, the Pyramids still remain so it was not deviation.

DN: Wasn't it? Oh all right then.

NP: Twenty-five seconds with you Peter starting now.

PJ: How many seconds?

NP: Quickly, 25!


NP: Derek?

DN: Deviation.

NP: Yes. I'm afraid that was a correct challenge. There are 23 seconds for you Derek on the eighth wonder of the world starting now.

DN: Striding across Sydney harbour, there is this great opera house. Once described to me as a flock of nuns in flight. And that is exactly what it looks like, a great white pinnacle reaching up into the sky. And inside these wonderful dear, sophisticated Antipodeans. Somebody once described them to me, an Australian has a closed mind and an open fire...


NP: So it's a keen battle out in front between Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones and Martin Jarvis. And Kenneth who is trailing a little takes the next subject which is the occult. Kenneth can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: It consists of poltergeists and ectoplasms, manifesting themselves in all kinds of unlikely places! I had a horrible one do it all over me in a place in Glamorgan. And she was supposed to be a medium, or a medium rare I thought...


KW: ... how do you like your steak when she said she was a medium rare.

NP: Yes so Martin you challenged?

MJ: Well I think there were two mediums there.

NP: There were.

KW: Medium rare which I thought was a reference to steak you see.

NP: Yes.

KW: Rare steak.

NP: A very nice joke but unfortunately repeated the word. Martin you have the subject and 24 seconds, sorry, 34 seconds, the occult starting now.

MJ: Many people think that Kenneth Williams began the (in KW voice) oh-cult. (normal voice) But the occult is something that I first experienced when I worked with Christopher Lee, in a film called Taste The Blood Of Dracula. I was sent off the set for giggling at the girl who wore fangs. She had to say to me "kiss me Jeremy" which is very difficult to do when you've got those teeth in. And I had to go outside and come back when I could control myself. And the gentleman I just mentioned, such a famous star, was very very displeased with me...


NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Very very.

NP: Very very displeased.

MJ: I'm afraid so.

NP: So Derek's got in cleverly with two seconds to go on the occult starting now.

DN: Palmistry, astrology, maths...


NP: And that particular whistle not only brings the round to a close, but also the game to a close. We have no more time to play Just A Minute. So let me give you the final situation. Kenneth Williams finished in fourth place as you might have guessed.


NP: Yeah but it was what he contributed that was so valuable. But he wasn't very far behind our guest Martin Jarvis, who was two points behind Peter Jones, who was three points behind this week's winner, Derek Nimmo! We do hope you've enjoyed listening to this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air and we play this delightfully ridiculous and unusual game. Until then, from all of us here good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.