JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,JBaddeley
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JOHN BADDELEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 4 August 1984)

NOTE: John Baddeley's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo and John Baddeley in Just A Minute. As the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello, welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we have three of our regular players of the game. And we welcome back as our guest in the fourth show, someone who played it with great effect a few weeks ago, John Baddeley. And as usual I will ask our four contestants to speak at different times, we hope, on the subject that I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject. Let us begin this show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek, the song... the song! The subject is tongue twisters. I read it and got twisted immediately. So that's the subject, tongue twisters Derek, there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Tongue twisters are words or sentences which are difficult to articulate. Such as obi-absorption which is a particularly difficult tongue twister. But children love them, and if you read the Opie book, The Language And Lore Of School Children, you will find many examples. Such as round the rugged rock, the ragged rascal ran. I've always cared for that one a great deal. Another one which they used to use, before they invented the green bag to blow in for a breathalyser, was the Leith police dismisseth us. Because if one could say that clearly it was assumed that one...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: He says they can't say that clearly, he can't say it clearly either! (laughs) He's got a sound impediment.

NP: Yes so what is your challenge?

KW: Well he said they can't say it, and he can't say it either. So it's deviation, can't say it.

NP: I know but he didn't deviate verbally and that's what it's all about.

KW: Oh I see your point!

NP: Yes!

KW: Oh how wise! He's judgement of Solomon, he is, isn't he! Very wise!

NP: It is a radio show we're doing Kenneth...

KW: Very shrewd! Wise!

NP: I think you're wonderful too Kenneth.

KW: Thank you!

NP: It's a joy to have you in the show.

KW: Oh thanks.

NP: You're so clever and intelligent. Unsolicited soliloquies. Right um Kenneth, alas I disagree with the challenge and so Derek gets a point for that and keeps the subject. And there are 22 seconds left, tongue twisters starting now.

DN: One of the more difficult ones was one...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of difficult.

NP: Yes you talked about difficult before.

CF: Twice!

NP: I'm afraid so Clement has a correct challenge, he gets a point for that. There are 19 seconds left Clement, tongue twisters starting now.

CF: One of the most difficult aspects of tongue twisters is that words within are repeated over and yet again. And the sort of tongue twister which I was going to tell you is Betty bought a bit of butter, but she said, the stuff is bitter, if I put in my batter. And so on but for the fact...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud cleverly kept going on tongue twisters till Ian Messiter blew his whistle, telling us that 60 seconds was up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gets the extra point. It was Clement Freud, he's in the lead at the end of the round, and also we'd like him to begin the next round. The subject Clement, calorie counting. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: As far as I can remember a calorie is the amount of heat needed to raise the temperature of one gram of water through a single degree centigrade. And how you count that with a thermometer is anybody's guess. I once had one of these bits of glass containing mercury and tried to put it into the H2O which I was trying to establish the...

BUZZ

NP: Oh I think he deserves a round of applause for keeping going and entertaining us, changing the description of all the commodities he was using all the time. Right so Derek got in, for hesitation and there are 33 seconds on calorie counting Derek starting now.

DN: If you join the organisation known as Weight Watchers, then you will find yourself becoming a calorie counter. They're frightfully keen on listing how many calories are in all manner of different kinds of food. And therefore, should you ger- join this particular group...

BUZZ

NP: John Baddeley challenged.

JOHN BADDELEY: I, I, ger-join was a word I didn't...

DN: Yes! Ger-join.

NP: You would interpret ger-join as hesitation, would you John.

DN: Hesitation. Absolutely right.

NP: So you have um 13 seconds to talk on calorie counting starting now.

JB: It is essential to keep an eye on calories. Because if you're getting overweight, they ser can be very distressing...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: A new word, ca-siss!

JB: I thought that matched his word!

NP: It did.

JB: So touche!

NP: But you got the subject before when he came out with one, and so he gets it back when you come out with one, and there are eight seconds on calorie counting Derek starting now.

DN: I once took an order of Slimming Magazine. I found this extremely informative to help me with my calorie counting because you can see that I'm really rather gross...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, having given a lot of unsolicited advertising during that round and he's now in the lead. And Kenneth Williams will you take the next round, the subject, my talent. Kenneth, a subject you've eulogised about many times in the past...

DN: He can't do this in one minute! Not in one minute can he go through his talents!

NP: You'd be surprised what Kenneth can pack into one minute.

DN: I think we ought to give him the rest of the programme.

NP: He can put all of his talent into one minute, and tell us all about it in the game starting now.

KW: My talent is indeed myriad! I mean it would be impossible as Derek so rightly says, to encompass it in 60 seconds. It sounds ludicrous! But one of my great talents is to smell out new talent. And many years ago I saw that boy on the stage at the Old Saville, in a wonderful play about a prawn. And I said to people, "he's going to go places". And look what's happened to him! He's gone! He's gone right to the top! The same thing happened to me in Singapore. This kid came up, dressed as a matleaux, did a number, very good, it was called Surrender. I said "he'll go far!" What happened, David Whitfield, top of the pops, goodness knows what! I can always tell! I saw Sheila Hancock in her dressing room one night, I said "I knew you when you were nothing!" I said "and until I gave you one or two tips", acting you know, told her not to bang into the furniture...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams started with the subject and finished with the subject, he wasn't interrupted, he kept going for 60 seconds. He gets a point for speaking as the whistle went, and a bonus point for not having to commit any of the sins of the game. Now the subject is adders, it's John Baddeley...

JB: What subject? The subject's what?

NP: Adders.

JB: Adders.

NP: Yes will you tell us something about adders John in the game starting now.

JB: Well adders come in all shapes and sizes. I mean every child knows that the initial adders are of course the fingers. One and one make two, four and four make...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud. Oh you do have to think hard in this game!

JB: My God!

NP: Don't you John, yes, and you have subjects which trip you up as you go. Clement, one and one yes, 51 seconds on adders starting now.

CF: Seventeen and 31 make 48, 19 and 27 make 56...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of make.

NP: Yes! So you concentrate on your arithmetic and you repeat the words, it's a fascinating game, isn't it! Forty-four seconds, adders Derek starting now.

DN: Adders are a particularly nasty poisonous snake, also known as vipers. There's er a kind of...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Yes, he got hopelessly mixed up with his diction, I think.

NP: We call that hesitation.

KW: Hesitation I think, yes.

DN: So would I!

NP: So let's hear from you on the subject of adders Kenneth, with 37 seconds left starting now.

KW: They can be divided into two classes. Because you've got the puff adder, so-called because it carries round a compact, and bangs powder all over itself, in a very clever fashion. Because you see, like the chameleon it actually changes its colour. Now I was once told that a sadist shoved a chameleon on to a tartan rug...

BUZZ

KW: ... so it was changing its colour! (laughs)

NP: Oh that's a lovely joke! So Clement you challenged before he got to the payoff of his joke.

CF: There were two chameleons.

NP: There were two chameleons, but what a pity, because we enjoyed the joke! Right, there are 14 seconds on adders with you Clement starting now.

CF: Adders are small poisonous snakes, of which you have to be extremely careful. If they bite you, it is essential, either to get a doctor with a hypodermic, or a very good friend, who will do what no-one would unless they were...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained the extra point, and he's now equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo. And Derek your turn to begin, the subject, offence. Will you tell us something about offence starting now.

DN: I suppose the Grand National is the greatest steeplechase in the world. And there are many fences in it, which I greatly... fear...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: I just thought I'd help him out, it all seemed to be coming to a horrible end.

NP: Definitely, he thought of those fences and he stopped. So Kenneth you have offence and 50 and a half seconds left starting now.

KW: (in curious conspiratorial voice) Outside this farm in Kirklington where I was a sort of apprentice farmer, if you might put it that way, I, I was very lucky, because there was this fence, you see, and they couldn't put me on the horse because it was too high for me, so they hung me on this fence, and that's the way I kept mounting it, you see and then I eventually...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of you see.

NP: Yes. Why do you want to impersonate Malcolm Muggeridge this week? And why should the countryside and fences make you think of him anyway? But anyway um, it was very enjoyable and there are 30 seconds for you on offence Derek, Clement starting now.

CF: As Derek Nimmo so very properly said, Aintree, where the Grand National is run, is the best place for fences in the National Hunt calendar. They're called the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, the chair, beaches, valentines...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Beaches comes before the chair.

CF: I didn't give them in...

NP: He's got them out of order.

CF: I didn't give them in chronological order.

DN: You went one, two, three, four, five.

CF: They were in chronological order!

DN: Oh I see!

NP: Sixteen seconds Clement, to continue on offence starting now.

CF: Should you steal something and find some difficulty in disposing of it, a fence is exactly the right person to whom to go. He is someone who looks after stolen property and disposes of it, without the police usually finding out the identity...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud is still in the lead, one ahead of Derek Nimmo. John Baddeley is trailing somewhat, trailing rather badly actually.

JB: Oh!

NP: And Kenneth it's your turn to begin, the subject is Hipparchus, will you tell us something about him in the game starting now.

KW: Hipparchus, well, the great thing I suppose that he did, apart from cataloguing stars, to invent trigonometry. But the base you see was Rhodes and he used to wander all over that island, and very lovely it was. In fact he says at one point, if he had to settle anywhere, it would be there. Because you see... eh?

BUZZ

KW: What was he laughing at? I mean what happened there? Somebody put me off totally!

NP: It was just your, it was just your acting, your natural delivery.

KW: Oh I see what you mean! Yes!

NP: Who, Clement, you pressed your buzzer.

CF: He stopped!

NP: I know he did. But he was inhibited by the audience and as that's never happened before, I think we'll allow him to generously continue with the subject, 35 seconds...

CF: Is this a new rule? I mean you can, you can claim I was inhibited by the audience? Could I retrospectively claim a point?

NP: Yes if you suddenly made the audience laugh, and they made you dry up and stop, I would give you the benefit of the doubt and let you continue. On this occasion I'm going to let Kenneth continue on the subject of Hipparkus or Hipparchus, which ever pronunciation you would prefer, 35 seconds starting now.

KW: Actually I really rather wish you wouldn't, because apart from the cataloguing of the stars, I don't know much about him...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Repetition of stars.

NP: There are 29 seconds on Hipparchus with you Clement starting now.

CF: Two thousand years ago which was just before Hipparchus was born, trigonometry...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: He's not correct about the date of his birth.

CF: Just after, just after!

KW: It's 150 BC, Hipparchus.

NP: Yes so therefore he is... well done, well done, 190 to 370 BC.

KW: Yes.

NP: So you are correct Kenneth and you have 16 seconds on Hipparchus starting now.

KW: One of the things he used to enjoy was wearing these very loose fitting robes, and these sandals, and he found his feet got very sore because of the sun, you know, beating down like. And they said "what you ought to do, girl, rub in a bit of mangoes juice..."

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth kept going on the subject that Ian Messiter gave him, until the whistle went on that occasion, and gained the extra point. He's now equal with Derek Nimmo in second place, they're three points behind Clement Freud our leader. And John Baddeley begins the next round. John, haunted theatres. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

JB: All my life I've been absolutely fascinated by haunted theatres. But only once have I had the experience of seeing a ghost within a theatre. This was in 1959 when I arrived in Bristol to work at the Theatre Royal. I made my way down King Street past the Landdock at Trough, and the docks at the bottom, waving to the sailors, saying "wither away my hearties" to what will...

BUZZ

NP: Ah?

KW: Waving to sailors and all? What's this got to do, what's this got to do with haunted, haunted places? What's this got to do with anything?

NP: I don't think it's...

JB: It's the build-up! It's leading into it! It's a little build-up!

KW: What, waving to sailors?

NP: I don't think the sailors has got anything to do with haunted theatres. I think they're...

KW: No!

JB: You don't know what's coming!

KW: No!

NP: I don't know the sailors obviously knew what was coming!

KW: You had a load of time!

NP: I think you're giving too much of your private life away John. Although a lot is revealed on Just A Minute when people try to keep going under pressure, I don't think you kept to the subject. You deviated and Kenneth has haunted theatres and there are 38 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well it was recounted by Henry Angley. He believed an animal haunted the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane. And he said it was a horse that could be heard backfiring. And some people said "oh, something of a critic?" And that was up his hooter or nose, I suppose you could say if you were being, talking of light parlance. But there is a theatre, I do know of it. It's in Cornwall, a place called Tentachell. And there a woman walks abroad in the night...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth's on form, and keeping going this week. Because he's now in second place, only one point behind our leader Clement Freud. And Derek your turn to begin, what went on behind the gymnasium. Derek cast your mind back and tell us, if you can go that far back, tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: Of course in my youth there were several gymnasia as I moved from one school to another. But I do remember one particular gymnasia because behind it we had a wolf cub pack. And I used to meet there with Akela, who was a kind of sergeant-major of the joint, and in charge of me was a senior sixer. I was a brown, would you believe. And one learnt the cub law and the prayers. Very important I think, something that I kept with me all my life. And that happened behind the gymnasium. I promised to do my best, to do my duty to God and the King, note you, to keep the law of the wolf cub pack...

BUZZ

DN: Oh dear!

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of cub.

NP: Yes I'm afraid the wolf cub came in before, and there are 21 seconds on what went on behind the gymnasium Clement starting now.

CF: My politics persuade me that we should be interested in what goes in the gymnasium, and not behind it. It...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Well as he's said he's not going to discuss what goes on behind the gymnasium, he's deviated from the subject, the subject is that.

NP: Yes his politics dictate that that's what is going to go on, and I think you, he was deviating.

KW: Yes, highly, highly devious.

NP: He said he's not going to discuss what goes on behind.

KW: Precisely!

NP: So you have the subject...

KW: Thank you! Quite right!

NP: Thirteen seconds starting now.

KW: I was got behind the gymnasium by a whole gang of them, it was ghastly! And they got my cap off, they got my blazer! And then they started to strip me! I felt terrible!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth kept going till the whistle, gained that extra point again. And he's now equal in the lead with Clement Freud. And Clement begins the next round. Clement, the biggest fib I ever told is the subject. Can you tell us something about it in the game starting now.

CF: I think the very biggest fib I ever told was when I announced that the population of Gruntyfenn was 98, when in fact 111 people live there. I have felt mortified, looking back, to have deceived the public to such an extent. I hope never to tell greater fibs than that. And then all will be well with me in my political career. I know someone who tells enormous fibs, who doesn't sit a hundred yards from me at this moment. Who usually makes faces when I talk and pretends to be bored, because he is fascinated by my verbiage...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, he has launched a personal attack on one member of the team. We don't know which but he's not talking about the greatest fib that he ever told.

NP: No, he's talking about Kenneth Williams now who sits beside him...

DN: How do you know he's talking about Kenneth Williams? I think that's a deliberate slur on Kenneth Williams!

KW: (in tears) Deliberate slur, it is!

DN: He could have been talking about you, and most probably was, I'd have thought!

KW: Yes! Yes!

NP: It's the sort of thing you've never done in the game, is it, Derek.

DN: What?

NP: Put a slur on anybody.

DN: Well some people don't need to be slurred. It's self-evident what they are!

NP: Anyway I don't think it's that, I think he was being very very jocular about Kenneth. But he has deviated from the subject by talking about Kenneth. And you have a correct challenge Derek and there are 20 seconds for you to continue talking on the biggest fib I ever told starting now.

DN: The biggest fib that I ever told was on a mountain in Papua New Guinea, not far from Port Moresby. I'd been flown there by some missionaries, and when I arrived I said "I am the big white God, this is the second coming". And everybody fell on the floor, and prostrated themselves and gave me beads. And I dispensed small hand mirrors which I had brought along for the occasion...

WHISTLE

NP: And I think that er Derek Nimmo's just told the biggest fib ever in Just A Minute. Kenneth it's your turn to begin, the subject is how they found me out. You have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

KW: Well of course the invitation was, it was at the military you see. And they found me because, unlike the rest of them, I could not do the square bashing nor handle the light machine gun or the webley or the bayonet. So consequently they sent to me this officer who said "now look here, you are not what we thought you were". I said "oh I know, I am not as other people are, I'm a rare delightful creature that should, like Greek wine, be bottled but never travel!" And he said "I think we'd better station you to a PDC". And lo and behold, that is where your Aunt Ada was sent. Physical Development Centre, it was at Hereford. And they put you through the most extensive remedial exercises anyone has ever devised in their existence. I had to lie...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth you kept going for 60 seconds. Nobody challenged him, he kept going till the end, he gets a point for speaking as the whistle went, and a bonus point for not being interrupted.

KW: Oh!

NP: Well done!

KW: Bravo! Bravo!

NP: And you won't be surprised to hear that at the end of that round Kenneth Williams is in the lead!

KW: Oh how marvellous! How gratifying!

NP: It doesn't often happen so let's savour the moment! Ah John Baddeley will you begin the next round, in fact it's your turn to begin the next round John. The subject is saving petrol. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

JB: Saving petrol must be one of the most tedious subjects on which to speak. I suppose this could be the fact that I find it very difficult to save petrol. The reason for this is that I am uneconomical when in the car. Now I am told that we must look to our futures because if we waste our petrol, I don't know where we will go. Now we may have battery driven cars, or we may have nuclear driven cars, but it is essential to drive petrol. So when you are driving up the motorway, ignore the 70 sign, and keep to 50... miles...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well I think you did cut off there, you see.

JB: Yeah I did, yes.

KW: You don't mind me saying? You don't mind? You know what I mean?

NP: He came to a halt because he'd repeated the word 50.

KW: That's right! You're right!

NP: Yes.

KW: You're very perceptive as a chairman! I have noticed that with you! Very perceptive!

NP: In spite what you say on other occasions! Ah there are 26 seconds for you Kenneth having got the subject of saving petrol starting now.

KW: Saving petrol is like saving time, a pointless exercise. When you have saved this petrol, and it's pouring all over the place, you've got gallons of it, more petrol than you've had hot dinners, so to speak, what are you going to do with it? I mean the likelihood is somebody will have the bonfire night, and set fire, the whole thing will go up in smoke, and you'll wish you'd saved nothing of the kind...

WHISTLE

NP: Right so Kenneth Williams speaking as the whistle went, gained more points and he's now in a very definite lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud will you begin the next round, the subject is static. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: Static is the opposite of dynamic and I'm totally against it. It is the most negative, useless and tasteless virtue in that you could move forward, sideways, crabwise in one direction or another. But static is also the noise you pick up when you're trying to save petrol at 56 miles an hour on the car radio. I get more of it than most because my radio is in the most...

BUZZ

NP: John Baddeley challenged.

JB: I think we heard the word radio.

NP: We did hear the radio John, and you got in with a good challenge...

CF: You were listening!

JB: Yes! I'm just catching on!

NP: Yes well it's your second visit and er it does take time to get all the nuances of the game, but you're picking them up fast. Twenty-six seconds for you on static starting now.

JB: I have found that being on this programme, the one thing you mustn't be is static. You've got to keep moving all the time. Maybe at a very steady pace, but never to keep still. Because otherwise your opponents will be on, because they never remain static. So I'm endeavouring to do this all the time. Now the other aspect of being static is that when you're asleep this is the best position in which to be. You should be in a prone position with your head slightly raised, and this static will give you the best rest you...

WHISTLE

NP: So John Baddeley kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point and er he's still in fourth place.

JB: (unintelligible)

NP: Let me give you the final score. John as I've said was our guest who has not played the game much before, finished in fourth position. A little way behind Derek Nimmo this week who once was way out front, but he was in second place. He was just behind Clement Freud. But our leader and our winner this week was the one and only Kenneth Williams!

KW: Yes! Yes! Bravo! Bravo!

NP: Well a popular win and ah I've better let you know that we have no more time to play the game. And if you've enjoyed it as much as we've enjoyed playing it, then our pleasure is fulfilled. And we hope that you'll want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air and we play the game. Till then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.