JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,GBrandreth,MJarvis
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, GYLES BRANDRETH and MARTIN JARVIS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 July 1984)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Gyles Brandreth and Martin Jarvis in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we have two of our regular players of the game, Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo. And we welcome back as a guest one who has played it a few times before, Gyles Brandreth. And somebody who has only played it once before, Martin Jarvis. Once again I am going to ask our four panellists if they can speak, not at the same time hopefully, on the subject that I give them, and try and do it without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. Let us begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek, the subject is hide. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Hide is one of those words you can interpret in various ways. I always remember the taxidermist and ah tax inspector said the only difference between the two of them was the first one left the hide...

BUZZ

NP: Martin Jarvis challenged.

MARTIN JARVIS: I thought he said er.

NP: He did hesitate, and we thought you were going to let him get away with it, and you let him go on...

MJ: I thought about it but I decided not to!

NP: Right so you get a point for a correct challenge Martin, you have 51 seconds to take over the subject of hide starting now.

MJ: A hide is something that I personally would build in order to study the behavioural habits of David Attenborough or David Bellamy...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two Davids.

NP: There were two Davids yes.

MJ: Awww!

NP: No I mean it was quite a deliberate, it wasn't one of those little words that they start having arguments about like as and... of course you weren't here when we had the argument about as. Derek you have a correct challenge, a point of course, and 43 seconds for the subject of hide starting now.

DN: I'd like to talk about hides in relation to the childhood of our chairman. He spent a lot of time in Glasgow and he will remember that rhyme in the streets.
(in Scottish accent) Hide and seek,
Your mother's a leek,
Your father's a cabbage
And you're a wee sneak!
I think that is a very good example of street poetry, and would make anyone want to hide...

BUZZ

NP: Um Gyles Brandreth.

GYLES BRANDRETH: I think we got too much deviation there. We were really in the realms of street poetry rather than that of hiding.

NP: No but the word hide came into it.

GB: He appealed to your vanity by talking about you! I agree...

NP: (in Scottish accent) Oh listen here, Brandreth, the way you're laughing, if you're going to come that stuff, I'm going to have to put you down! He was doing all right and his accent was not bad as well! So I'm not going to put up with that, no! We'll laugh at your toffees or something now...

GB: Thank you, Doctor Snoddy, we'll let you know!

NP: No I disagree, I'm sorry Gyles, and Derek has a point and 26 seconds on hide starting now.

DN: Edward Hide, the first Earl of Clarendon, was intimate friends with both Charles the First and Second. He went into exile, having represented a very well-known place in the Long Parliament and indeed...

BUZZ

NP: Martin Jarvis challenged.

MJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, rather tough, but as you are only a second-time guest Martin, I think I will give you the benefit of the doubt...

MJ: I much appreciate that.

NP: Well yes, I have to give reasons for my decisions, otherwise...

MJ: No you don't have to give reasons as far as I'm concerned Nicholas!

NP: I know but it's for the others.

MJ: Oh right.

NP: There are 14 seconds on hide, Martin starting now.

MJ: Mister Hide was originally Jekyll... Doctor of that ilk...

BUZZ

NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes as I gave it against him, I must be fair and give it against you. Yes?

MJ: Fair enough Nicholas, fair enough.

NP: So there are 11 and a half seconds back with you Derek on hide...

DN: A spring Sunday in Hyde Park, off one goes with one's little boat and a kite that flies across the green meadows, looking at the Hilton Hotel, children playing round about, dogs...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles Brandreth has challenged.

DN: No pauses there, no pauses! You couldn't get a...

NP: I think actually he buzzed so he wouldn't be decapitated by the way you were swinging your arms around! Gyles what was your challenge actually?

GB: That being in Hyde Park and seeing the Hilton Hotel, simultaneously while flying a kite is impossible.

NP: I disagree...

MJ: I'm sorry...

NP: I thought you were going to challenge on the fact that there were meadows in Hyde Park which I would have allowed...

GB: Certainly.

NP: No you didn't say that, I think you could fly a kite...

GB: I was getting round to that. You could not fly a kite, you could possibly because you've permanently got the wind up! But the location in Hyde Park where you can see the Hilton Hotel is in a dip, it is not possible...

DN: Rubbish!

GB: I know because I'm... I'm sorry...

DN: Absolute rubbish! You can see it from the round pond all the way across.

NP: Gyles...

GB: Lies, lies, lies, lies!

NP: Gyles you are being devious, ingenious and you're just trying too hard. I disagree and Derek has one and a quarter minutes on hide...

GB: Oh, one and a quarter minutes! Yes!

NP: Starting now.

DN: Polluted with turds left by Fido!

WHISTLE

NP: Well that was one of the longest first rounds we've had for a long time. And when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, and some people say why does he never speak and only blow whistles, ah, well that's probably there isn't time. Whoever speaks at that moment gets an extra point, it was Derek Nimmo, and he got a lot of other points and it doesn't need me to tell you, that he is not only in the lead, he is in a commanding lead. And Martin Jarvis is just behind him and he begins the next round. Martin the subject is birds, will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

MJ: My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, or Lethe-wards had sunk.
That is a poem called Ode On A Nightingale by John Keats. And in it he discusses the bird's wonderful qualities in relation to a man who is dying. The art...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles has challenged.

GB: No I'm sorry...

DN: It's Poets Corner!

NP: It is, yes it is, it is. But I think they're enjoying it, I do think so. They're giving tremendous dramatic...

GB: I'm sorry...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I thought it was marvellous! I am very moved!

MJ: Thank you very much!

KW: Weren't you moved! Yes! They were moved, you see!

NP: I mean we have, Martin Jarvis is sitting beside Kenneth Williams...

KW: You were throbbing with it, weren't you, I can see it! She was throbbing over there!

NP: In spite of their work in the field of comedy, they're two of our finest dramatic actors.

KW: Hear hear! Oh hear hear!

NP: And they were giving fine examples of their talents, and I think it was highly enjoyable.

GB: Excuse me Nicholas, I think it was I who challenged.

NP: Yes I know it was you who challenged.

GB: I know that the Pinky and Perky of poetry over there have curried favour with you in a most ingratiating and I think slightly embarrassing way...

NP: Yes.

GB: .... but...

NP: But...

GB: I have to say that I challenged. There was both hesitation from Martin Jarvis, who has been playing this game at least once before, and therefore should know better. There was deviation because he called it Ode On A Nightingale, when it's Ode To A Nightingale, and there was hesitation. May I please take over?

NP: Gyles I was going to give it to you because I'm always absolutely fair.

GB: Oh! Oh Nick!

NP: Because you had a correct challenge.

GB: Oh Nick you are a doll!

NP: But if you should return to Just A Minute...

GB: No, no...

NP: ... and you go on so long again like that outside the game, I will have to penalise you.

GB: Well Nicholas...

DN: This must be the longest time between points that we've ever had! It seems a long time to us! We've had a 35 minute discussion!

NP: Gyles you didn't have to make your point so forcibly because I agree with your challenge, it was correct, he did pause, and there are 36 seconds for birds starting now.

GB: Birds are what Nicholas go to when he doesn't go to the dogs. And I've repeated myself...

BUZZ

NP: Derek has challenged.

GB: Oh dear!

DN: It was hardly worth giving him the point, was it really? When he says go to, go to, straightaway!

NP: Well it got you a point because you challenged him and you were correct, and there are 31 seconds for you Derek on birds starting now.

DN: In Hyde Park, feeding the birds in front of the Hilton Hotel, flying my kite, I enjoyed myself hugely. I thought it was one of the nicest things I had ever done. I threw bread towards them and they chirped in the way that only birds can. And amongst them, high back in the trees was a cuckoo, and he went "cuck", and the other noise which you are going to have to ask me about afterwards...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Gyles. He very cleverly tripped you up there yes.

DN: What do you mean, he didn't trip me up, I said another...

GB: I tripped him up.

NP: Yes, he tripped up you...

DN: Oh I'm sorry, you're being nice to me? Oh I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I never thought you would be.

NP: Yes I'm nice to everybody on the panel. Yes Gyles what was your challenge?

GB: I'm no sort of ornithologist but cuckoo did not actually make the sound cuckoo. I happen to know that because I saw a programme about it on ITV.

NP: What does that got to do with Just A Minute?

GB: Deviation.

NP: No! It makes the sound that is similar to cuckoo, and he said his bird said cuckoo, and then he said cuck, and that is what I think you were challenging for. And he managed to trip you up, and it was quite shrewd of him, but you have got 10 seconds to continue with birds starting now.

DN: I go down the disco, and I look for some of these little birds, with little leather skirts on and I go round the back and I say "darling, fancy a little jig?" And I didn't say the other world because you thought I was...

BUZZ

NP: Martin Jarvis challenged. Martin what's your challenge?

MJ: Yeah he said little twice. Little.

NP: Actually I couldn't hear a word he said, so I don't know what... could you hear him in the audience here?

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well you must have an amplification system which lapses up here for the chairman. So I don't think he repeated, did he repeat the word little.

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thank you very much indeed. Do come again.

MJ: I thank the audience very much indeed.

NP: So Martin, you are really learning this game aren't you. You have half a second, you've got in with half a second to go on the subject of birds starting now.

MJ: Tennyson!

WHISTLE

NP: Martin Jarvis was speaking as the whistle went and got that extra point. He's got one ahead of Kenneth, he's three behind Derek Nimmo, and Gyles Brandreth is trailing a little for once because he usually does very well in Just A Minute. But he does begin the next round, Gyles the subject is writing books, will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

GB: I know something about writing books, because I'm here to tell you that I am one of the world's most prolific authors...

BUZZ

NP: Martin Jarvis challenged.

MJ: He's not here to tell us he is one of the world's most prolific authors, he's here to play Just A Minute.

GB: In the context of talking about writing books, Martin...

MJ: No, you didn't come here to talk about writing books.

GB: Look, Jarvis! Can we step this way! It must be intolerable for your wife being married to an older man!

NP: I think the fair thing to do, I think that was a very clever challenge so we give Martin a bonus point for that challenge...

MJ: Thank you Nicholas.

NP: But I don't think Gyles was strictly deviating within the rules of the game, which is writing books, so he can talk in whichever way he likes on that. He has 55 seconds to continue starting now.

GB: As an author, people think of me as a cross between Barbara Cartland and Enid Blyton. But the reason that I have written so many slim volumes is of course because they are all so short. My particular speciality when it comes to writing books is those of verse. And because I have my poems so short, such as...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of short.

NP: Yes, I'm afraid you repeated short before. And so Derek you have...

GB: I wouldn't dispute anything with you Nicholas!

NP: Why have you suddenly changed?

GB: Because there's no point in knocking one's head against a brick wall, is there!

NP: Oh I do give them marvellous cues, don't I! Thirty-seven seconds Derek for you on writing books starting now.

DN: Before one can start to write a book, you have to learn the alphabet. And it goes A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T...

BUZZ

NP: Martin you challenged.

MJ: I'm bored!

NP: So your challenge is?

MJ: Boredom!

NP: Give me a better one than that, and you'll get it!

MJ: And a repetition of letters.

NP: No, what I think you were searching for is the fact...

DN: He wasn't searching at all!

NP: ... that he had deviated from writing books by reciting the alphabet.

MJ: Oh totally, yes!

NP: Yes! Well why didn't you say so Martin?

MJ: Well I thought you would have gathered that!

NP: I had but we love to hear it from you, 24 seconds Martin on writing books starting now.

MJ: One of my favourite books that Gyles has written is called The Joy Of Lex. Although it's a bit of a pinch from another title, I have to say I enjoyed it enormously. Writing...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Repetition of enjoyed.

NP: Yes I'm afraid that...

GB: But in this particular context, I think it's totally valid!

NP: It may be valid in your context Gyles, but not in Just A Minute.

MJ: I thought I said enjoy and enjoyed.

NP: No I think you said enjoyed.

MJ: Oh did I?

NP: Yes.

MJ: Oh.

NP: Derek has a correct challenge, writing books Derek, 14 seconds starting now.

DN: Yes I think Gyles... Brandreth has written some very...

BUZZ

NP: Martin Jarvis.

MJ: Gyles Bu-Brandreth.

NP: Yes I agree, don't draw attention to it, he struggles very hard, same as I do. Eleven seconds Martin on writing books starting now.

MJ: One of my favourite writing books is my diary, and I write in that every day. And I have to have a week at a glance, first Monday, then Tuesday...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles has challenged.

GB: I'm bored! And also I was rather enjoying it when you were talking about my books, Martin. Can we get back to that? I'll concede the point if you return to the subject!

NP: You conceded it anyway because it's an incorrect challenge.

MJ: Absolutely.

NP: So Martin still keeps the subject with three seconds on writing books starting now.

MJ: Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as the days of the week are not as long as the letters of the alphabet, Martin was able to keep going till the whistle went, gained that extra point and he's now equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo. And Derek you begin the next round, the subject is sentences. So from writing books we have sentences, will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Before you can actually deliver a sentence in the court, the prisoner is allowed to make a plea. And on one occasion before Lord Justice Devlin, he said "as God is my judge, I do not owe this money". And his Lordship replied... "he isn't..."

BUZZ

NP: Martin?

MJ: Well we were waiting forever to find out what his Lordship did reply.

KW: Well why didn't you give him a chance? Instead of twisting your buzzer! I was dying to hear about it!

NP: We don't know whether Derek knows, unless we get back to him, because it was a pause. The subject is sentences and you have 43 seconds starting now.

MJ: (speaks in French) That is...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles has challenged you. Gyles what is it?

GB: (speaks in French)

MJ: Mais non!

NP: (speaks in very fast French) So what was your challenge in English, Gyles?

GB: Oh you didn't understand, did you?

NP: I understood it but there are one or two people...

DN: You are making yourself look foolish, you really are!

NP: Well not for the first time!

DN: No, not for the first time, I admit it.

NP: Mmmm?

GB: There was repetition I'm afraid.

MJ: Non!

GB: I'm afraid so, the word tout, T-O-U-T, appeared twice.

MJ: Non!

NP: Non!

GB: Well now we've heard non three times.

NP: Absolutement, absolutement non. Non Gyles, I must disagree with you. Martin I disagree with the challenge, you have another point, you have 33 seconds on sentences starting now.

MJ: That was a sentence in French...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: He said that was a sentence in French last time.

MJ: (speaks in French)

NP: I don't, don't think he did.

KW: He finished speaking in French and then he said that was a sentence in French.

DN: French, he definitely said French.

KW: Didn't he say that?

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: You see, they all heard it!

NP: Yes, I'm very pleased that they did say that...

KW: If you washed your ears out, you'd have heard it too! Instead of doing this terrible Maurice Chevalier act! A load of rubbish!

NP: It's such a long time since we were actually playing the game, that I must admit...

KW: Yes, and a long time we've had with you!

NP: ... I will be truthful and say I had forgotten. So...

KW: I don't know why they give him the cheques! I really don't! The money he's making! You should see the car!

NP: Keep it up, they love it! There are 31 seconds, oh by the way, now I wish you hadn't said that because my accountant's in the audience. And there are 31 seconds on sentences starting now.

KW: Sentences, as Derek Nimmo so wisely and urbanely I thought pointed out, are administered by judges. And one in my hearing said to the prisoner "it was long ago remarked by an ancient divine, that all the public knows of a man is his reputation. And as to his character, the creator alone can know about that, and..."

WHISTLE

NP: Well that must be a new Williams ploy, not only drag the words out, but make them incomprehensible at the same time.

KW: Are you taking the rise?

NP: Yes!

KW: I don't have to sit here and be insulted!

NP: But I must also, Kenneth, I will also pay the compliment saying that actually unless you've ever tried it, it is very difficult to speak slowly and not pause. It is not just a, it is a clever trick, but it's not easy to do. Kenneth you gained the point for speaking as the whistle went, you got some points in that round, and you're still in third place. But you're ahead of Gyles Brandreth...

Gb: Oh!

NP: No you were magnificent on your last visit, so don't worry. No, Martin Jarvis, our second time visitor, is in the lead ahead of Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth you begin the next round, the subject champagne. Oh we're back to France again! Champagne starting now.

KW: Well a lot of people don't know how this is made, now I will enlighten you. It is in fact distilled white wine into which these monks blow a lot of bubbles. People have said that it tickles the palate, and it's famous for festive occasions, and especially nuptial times, when the bride is often toasted with this stuff. And I have been told that the Prince Regent drank it out of a woman's slipper in the pavilion at Brighton. And his entertainments were lavish! Indeed one historian remarked...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Oh deviation, if he couldn't afford a glass and had to drink it out of a slipper, it couldn't have been that lavish!

NP: I don't, I think he was making a great show, I think that's why it was so lavish. He took it off the young lady in question and was putting on a display of exotic...

DN: Oh I see.

GB: It wasn't a great show, it's a great shoe! It's a famous one, you can see it there.

DN: Gyles don't argue with Nicholas, he was there!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Listen, if you're going to applaud remarks like that, you're not going to be invited again! Goodness no, Kenneth, I disagree with the challenge, you have 20 seconds on champagne starting now.

KW: The Regency period was opulent and...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles has challenged.

GB: I'm afraid there was hesitation and prior to that...

KW: There wasn't hesitation!

GB: Deviation, we were talking about the Regency period now, there was a...

KW: No, I wasn't, I said Regent before.

NP: I know, but actually I do agree with Gyles, you have deviated from the subject of champagne on to the Regency period. You talked a lot about it and you have gone back on to the Regency period. So I think that is a fair deviation challenge and Gyles has 15 seconds on champagne starting now.

BUZZ

GB: People who...

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

GB: I'm sorry!

DN: Hesitation.

NP: It was hesitation.

GB: Oh I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

NP: Why are you sorry?

DN: I'm not sorry at all, I'm rather glad actually!

GB: At the injustice of this.

NP: Why? You never got going! You were fast asleep there! There are 13 seconds on champagne Derek starting now.

DN: I was far from successful...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles has challenged.

GB: There was no hesitation.

NP: You're absolutely right and Derek continues with 12 seconds on champagne starting now.

DN: Successful with Suzy, a highly imperious floozy...

BUZZ

NP: Martin Jarvis.

MJ: There was a pause after imperious.

NP: Yes I think so. There are 11, nine seconds for champagne Martin starting now.

MJ: Perrier shuet Brut 89 is my favourite champagne, but I don't mind...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Perrier shuet 89 would be well and truly far too old to drink by now, so it's deviation, unless he has a palate like a bird cage!

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

MJ: I have got a palate like a bird cage!

NP: That, that is the problem in Just A Minute. Derek's point is perfectly correct if you drink that stuff, you must...

DN: I concede that he very probably has got a palate like a bird cage.

NP: Well as he's admitted it, you've conceded it, it makes my life easier, and so you have six seconds on champagne Martin starting now.

MJ: Champagne bottles are extremely difficult to open, particularly on stage. I had a terrible experience last year...

WHISTLE

NP: So Martin Jarvis coming back for the second time, he did quite well the first time, but I'm afraid it was a different audience then. This occasion he's way out in the lead, three ahead of Derek Nimmo, and quite a few ahead of Kenneth Williams and Gyles Brandreth. Martin you begin the next round, the subject is fishing. Tell us something about that in the game starting now.

MJ: Some years ago I took my son fishing on the Chichester Canal which is a wonderful place to go and find these lovely little creatures with fins that swim around in the er...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Derek. There are 51 seconds left for fishing starting now.

DN: I will make you fishers of men, that is what I would like to speak on today, ladies and gentlemen. Because if you are following the big fishermen, you will lead a good and true life. Picture those men, ancient men...

BUZZ

NP: Martin Jarvis has challenged.

MJ: Picture those men, a-ancient.

NP: Ancient men, yes there were two men.

DN: Well it was before he buzzed actually.

MJ: No but I was ahead of you.

NP: Yes I mean, I think honestly, they might have thought they'd tuned into, to Hymns On Sunday for a minute! Um so Martin you have a correct challenge, 33 seconds, fishing starting now.

MJ: My son and I sat down on the banks of this place...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: We had the son before, didn't we.

NP: Your son was with you before, and he, though he's obviously with you all the time, you can't repeat it in Just A Minute.

MJ: Well I promised I'd mention him on the radio, you see! Twice!

NP: Twice? Thirty seconds for you Kenneth on fishing starting now.

KW: A great honour befell one fisherman in Brighton at the time of the Regency period. And he had to provide a few fresh trout for that aforementioned Prince. The entertainment was lavish and the Prince's balls were the largest in Europe...

BUZZ

KW: Who challenged?

NP: Gyles challenged.

DN: It's all right, Nicholas knows, because he was there!

NP: Gyles you challenged, why?

GB: A repetition of Prince.

NP: Yes there was, he repeated the word Prince.

GB: I will not go in any further than that!

NP: No, and I think you challenged at just the right moment as well. Nine seconds for you Gyles on fishing starting now.

GB: I once went kipper fishing. What an extraordinary experience it was because all I came away with was an old boot, and I have since married her because she is interested in angling in much the same way as I am...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up, and also it tells me that the time is up for this week. Let me give you the final score. Gyles Brandreth, who on his last visit to Just A Minute, triumphed and was the winner, finished in fourth place, but that's the way it goes.

GB: You were sober at the time of course!

NP: Yes and you didn't argue quite so much! But it doesn't matter, the points, as I said last time, it is their contribution. And always Gyles' contribution was delightful, exceptionally extraordinary rude to the chairman. But he was just behind Kenneth Williams, usual good value there. And Derek Nimmo, fantastic as usual. But coming back for his second visit, Martin Jarvis, was out three ahead of Derek, our winner this week! We hope you've enjoyed listening to Just A Minute as much as we've enjoyed playing it, and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air with two or three of our regulars and guests and we play once again, Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.