JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,HKelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and HENRY KELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 21 July 1984)

NOTE: Mary Bell's first appearance blowing the whistle.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Henry Kelly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. And it's a pleasure to welcome such a delightful looking audience, and also a special welcome to all those many listeners we have around the world. And those who have heard the game before will know that we have three of our regular players of the game, Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And we welcome back in the guest chair someone who has played it with great success before, Henry Kelly. And as usual I will ask one of our panellists is they can speak for Just A Minute on a subject that I give them, they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And we will begin this show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, the word is encouragement. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Encouragement, it might be "gee up!" from the trainer to the horse. It might equally be something like "well done" from the teacher to a pupil. (very very quick) Encouragement makes your morning or night
Encouragement leaves you with a light
The apple at the top of the tree
Is there, so how do you achieve? Take an example from me
Experiment...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PETER JONES: Ah repetition of might. He said might twice.

NP: You did actually repeat the word might, in spite of the speed at which you were going. Which was very remarkable for you, because you usually drag it out a bit, don't you. So Peter that was a correct challenge and you get a point for that of course, and there are 38 seconds left and you take over encouragement starting now.

PJ: That's something that I think we all need, particularly if we are nervous or pessimistic or hesitant. I think perhaps...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two ors.

NP: Yes. If you're going to get him on small words...

PJ: I thought ors were allowed.

NP: Well not those ors.

PJ: Oh.

NP: No, well, to some extent, but you did rather emphasise it Peter. So Kenneth got in with 32 seconds left on encouragement starting now.

KW: As Peter Jones so wisely, sagaciously, pointed out, we all need it. I more than most since I suffer terribly from an extraordinary inferiority complex. Which weighs me down that I face life through adversity's dark pane. And sometimes feel I shall never be able to throw off the slough of despond which has yet...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh when the whistle is blown it tells us that 60 seconds is up. And if those who have heard the game before thought it was rather a weak blow, let me explain that normally Ian Messiter who thought of the game, sits beside me, blows the whistle and keeps the score. But instead I am very fortunate today, I have a beautiful girl, her name is mary Bell. And she's taken over because Ian is unfortunately unwell. Kenneth, at the end of that round, you got a point for speaking as the whistle went, and therefore you are in the lead at the end of the first round. Clement Freud, will you take the next round, the subject is the origin of the cocktail stick. Will you tell us something about that ridiculous subject starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: The origin of the cocktail stick.

BUZZ

CF: Not bad, eh!

NP: Perhaps it was quite a good subject for the game, he dried immediately. Peter you got in.

PJ: Yes. I don't particularly want it.

NP: No.

PJ: But it seemed such a long hesitation.

NP: Yes it was a long hesitation, that's no doubt why Ian Messiter thought of the subject. Right Ian there are 50, I'm sorry, Peter, 51 seconds, the origin of the cocktail stick starting now.

PJ: The cocktail stick was invented in New York in the early part of this century, soon after the cocktail itself as a means...

BUZZ

NP: Henry Kelly challenged.

HENRY KELLY: He's hesitating the whole time, he hasn't a clue about it, he knows nothing!

NP: Well very nice to hear from you Henry, but I disagree with absolutely everything you said. I'm afraid he wasn't hesitating.

PJ: All the time, he said.

NP: No no no, no Peter you have a point for a wrong challenge there and there are 48 seconds on the origin of the cocktail stick starting now.

PJ: There is a tendency to put larger olives in the cocktails nowadays, which leaves much less room for the drink itself. And this...

BUZZ

NP: Henry Kelly challenged again.

HK: Deviation, he hasn't mentioned stick at all.

PJ: I mentioned sticks at the very beginning.

NP: I agree yes he went from cocktail sticks, he was talking about olives and the cocktails themselves.

PJ: And now I'm going to speak about their relation to the stick!

NP: But you didn't get to it soon enough.

PJ: I did, I mentioned stick at the very beginning. I said it came in soon after the cocktail itself, in the early part of this century in New York.

NP: I know, we did hear that Peter, you needn't bore us by repeating it all!

HK: Is anybody here in a hurry home?

NP: Henry I think that was deviation, so you have a point, and you take over the subject, with 37 seconds on the origin of the cocktail stick starting now.

HK: The most important thing about the cocktail stick is that it can be used not only for cocktails but for other uses. That is to say it can be used for example in the game...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of can be used for.

NP: Yes, can be used, I'm sorry Henry, you did repeat that before. So Clement Freud's got in on this subject again and ah, let's see if he's going to dry immediately. Twenty-eight seconds Clement starting now.

CF: The cocktail stick is what you hang on to, when the cocktail gets you. It used to be said that if you can lie on the floor without holding on to anything, you're not really drunk. And the cocktail stick is exactly the sort of thing that is there in order to lend support and succour to those who have had a hard time of it. New York in the 1920s was the heyday, spirits, bitters, aromatics, even wine and fruit were used to produce buck's fizz...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud got the subject back, and kept going with style and panache until Mary blowed her whistle. Clement got the extra point and at the end of that round we have three people equal with Henry Kelly one point behind. Peter Jones, the next subject which we'd like you to take is pudding. Will you tell us something about pudding in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: That's something I very rarely indulge in now, because of the ah weight problem. But I do enjoy a very nice bread and butter pudding, if sometimes it is made with little mincemeat instead of the customary currants, sultanas and raisins, with a couple of eggs, a little milk, some bread and butter, which I have already said once...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones, you actually very cleverly challenged yourself.

PJ: Yes I thought I'd get an extra point there!

NP: Peter I have to ask you, what was your challenge?

PJ: Ah repetition.

NP: Yes you're right, yes. You definitely repeated.

PJ: Bread and butter, yes, I repeated both of them.

NP: Yes well I can't give you two points.

PJ: Ah.

NP: I'll give you one for repetition.

PJ: Oh all right.

NP: I can't even give you one for ingenuity, and you've got another point for challenging yourself, and you therefore keep the subject and you continue...

PJ: Now how much longer have I got? I'm just going through my recipes!

NP: Thirty-eight seconds starting now.

PJ: Now what's that thing they make in France with the pancakes and a little quantreaux orange juice and sometimes the grated rind...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: It's called crepe suzette!

PJ: Very good!

NP: So an extra point for Clement because we enjoyed that. But Peter Jones keeps the subject, he gets a point for being interrupted of course, and continues with his puddings, and there are 16 seconds left Peter, still on puddings starting now.

PJ: They have to be fried for quite a short time, folded up in clarified butter, margarine definitely will not do. And if you can buy Normandy butter...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I just thought he ought to have another point.

NP: Why?

CF: He's done so well!

NP: Well he was actually juddering away there. I thought you were going to have him for hesitation.

CF: He needed a bit of help!

NP: You're actually giving him a point there? All right, because you could have had him for hesitation. But you didn't, so Peter, you got another point from Clement Freud there with five seconds on pudding starting now.

PJ: The queen of puddings...

BUZZ

NP: Henry Kelly challenged.

HK: He said butter twice, before you started him again after Clement's wrong challenge.

PJ: That's ancient history!

NP: But it's still correct within Just A Minute. He listened very well, and so I must allow it, well listened Henry. There are two seconds for you, still on pudding starting now.

HK: The most important thing about a pudding is that I really like it after a lunch or even a dinner...

WHISTLE

NP: So Henry Kelly was speaking then as the whistle went, got the extra point which comes up for those who are doing that at that particular moment. And he's now in second place with Clement Freud, behind our leader Peter Jones, and Kenneth Williams is one point behind the other two. Henry would you take the next round, the subject is being interviewed. You've been on the other side a great deal, but what do you think about it when you're being interviewed? You have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

HK: The best thing about being interviewed is if you have ever been on the receiving end of it before. That is to say if you are aware of the things that you would like to ask people, like "could we start at the beginning please, sir? Where were you born and when? What sort of social circumstances were you born into? Were your mother..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of born.

NP: Yes you were born more than once in that interview.

HK: Yeah probably.

NP: But you weren't reborn which would have been better. Clement you have a correct challenge and 42 seconds on the subject, being interviewed starting now.

CF: I think the most important thing about being interviewed is never to give anything anyway. When they say "what is your name?" you say "no comment". It is tremendously helpful and puts the interviewer into a position from which he would always like to resign and usually does!

BUZZ

NP: Henry Kelly challenged.

HK: Pathetic hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation, you needn't comment on it! You may be a guest but we don't allow you too much licence you know Henry. There are 23 and a half seconds for you Henry, to take back being interviewed starting now.

HK: It must be different, of course, being interviewed, depending on the position you hold in public life or even in semi public life. That...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

CF: That's two public lives.

NP: The public life came up again. So Clement you have the subject back, 16 seconds, being interviewed starting now.

CF: I was once interviewed in Chicago on a talk show by a man who thought my name was Glemont Friend. And it was great fun, because he asked me about this particular name which I can't repeat. And I answered for nearly eight minutes...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Mary Bell delicately blew her whistle once again, and she really is a beautiful and delicate creature...

KW: Oh don't keep on about Mary Bell!

NP: Why not?

KW: They're fed up of hearing about her! The audience here is longing to hear from me! They don't want to hear about this girl, blowing her, and she's not blowing it very well anyway! Someone wants to teach her a bit about abdominal breathing, I think! Either that or her corsets are on too tight! Look at that dress around her ankles!

NP: She's overcome with the situation, you're going to make it far worse...

KW: Oh get on with it! Pull your finger out for goodness sake! You couldn't run a whelk stall, let alone a panel game!

NP: But I do give you very good...

KW: Oh well hurry up!

NP: Yes I am hurrying up!

KW: What's the subject?

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, and he gained an extra point, and he's equal in the lead with Peter Jones. And Kenneth Williams takes the next round, "thank goodness" he would say! Kenneth the subject is the theatre, no, not the, it's just theatre of the absurd. There are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

KW: According to Mister Harwood, this was ushered in by a man called Jarry, and really takes as its axiom the idea of man as the victim of modern technology. And evinced by someone like Genet or Albert Camus, it can be seen at its most interesting. But at its best, I think Artaud has to be given the branch for victory, the symbolisation of the Algerian conquest in his view, with the French soldier crying out "oh would that could I smell the air of France?" and his comrades breaking wind over him, seems indeed to be theatre of the absurd at its most grotesque, and I think frankly, unpleasant and not the sort that I would ever want...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams not only spoke about the theatre of the absurd, but demonstrated it magnificently, entertained our audience in the studio. We hope that you got as much pleasure listening to him, because he kept going for 60 seconds without being interrupted. He gets one point for speaking as the whistle went and a bonus for not being interrupted. And he's in second place, equal with Henry Kelly, two points behind our joint leaders. And Peter begins the next round, the subject, Peter, autographs. Sixty seconds starting now.

PJ: Well, people collect them. Occasionally I receive a letter asking me to send one to a fan. The letter usually goes "I have over a thousand autographs of well-known..."

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: We had letter twice.

NP: Yes that's right, well done Kenneth. And there are 48 seconds for you to talk on autographs starting now.

KW: I once was the proud possessor of the autograph of Pandit Nehru. And do you know, for the life of me, I never could make it out. It was almost unintelligible. I think, you see, I should have said legible of course, because intelligible you wouldn't say about an autograph, would you? On the other hand, since nobody has interrupted me, it's obvious that their mental faculties aren't...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has interrupted you, yes?

PJ: Well I'm interrupting him because he seemed to be, sort of, willing it on us!

NP: What is your challenge Peter?

PJ: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

PJ: Illegible.

NP: Yes you're right, um, but I have to be sure because it might be something...

PJ: Of course, I know, you can't afford to make a mistake in this. Oh God! Good lord!

NP: (laughs) If I didn't make a few, I don't think the show would be quite the same as it is. Peter I agree with your challenge and you have 22 seconds on autographs starting now.

PJ: These people who sign their names to the missives they send me through the post, often remark that they have about 1200 autographs of well-known television personalities and would I add mine to it? And I think why can I never get even in the first 1100? However I respond with a signature...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went. And he's now gone back in the lead alongside Clement Freud, Henry Kelly will you now take the next round. The subject Henry, what I can do in a minute. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

BUZZ

NP: And...

KW: Hesitation! Hesitation!

NP: You are mean!

KW: Well he didn't start! You said now and then he didn't start!

NP: I know, but he is a guest. Give him a chance!

KW: Is that a new rule now?

PJ: It is...

NP: Well we always show a little bit of generosity at the beginning, especially to a guest.

PJ: He's not even a new guest!

KW: No, he's been loads of times!

PJ: And he's not at all lacking in confidence!

KW: No!

PJ: In fact he seems a bit uppity, I think!

KW: That's right yes! Very uppity, I quite agree!

BUZZ

NP: What's the matter Henry?

HK: Hesitation by all of them!

NP: Henry I'm not going to allow it, so will you please continue. There are 58 seconds, what I can do in a minute starting now.

HK: Well most of the things that I can do...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

NP: Why?

CF: I thought he started rather quickly for a guest!

NP: That is deviating from his normal style yes. Very nice challenge Clement, but I can't allow it. So Henry still has the subject, and there are 56 seconds, what I can do in a minute starting now.

HK: Without...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Yes, this time I will allow it yes. So Kenneth you have the subject, and there are 54 and a half seconds on what I can do in a minute starting now.

KW: What I can do in a minute is incredible and includes the repetition of limericks like
There was an old man of Madrid
Who went to an auction to bid
The first one they showed
Was an ancient commode
Whatho, when they lifted the lid!
And that, I think, is not without a certain amount of elan, what they call debonair delivery, for which incidentally I am famous. All the world over, they say, the moment he comes on "such style, ain't he got style, oh..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Too many styles.

NP: There was too much style, I'm afraid. Clement you have the subject, you have 23 seconds, sorry, you have 28 and a half seconds starting now.

CF: What I can do in a minute, if I were not interrupted, would be to recite Charles Kingsley's poem
Oh Mary, go and call the cattle home
And call the cattle home
And call the cattle home...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones?

PJ: Ah repetition.

NP: Yes I'm definitely and 18 seconds are left, what I can do in a minute Peter starting now.

PJ: About a hundred yards actually! I can also get completely undressed as I demonstrated when my children were very small, wanting to show them how terribly easy and desirable it was to go to bed in a hurry, I was able to... doff my jacket...

BUZZ

NP: Henry Kelly challenged you.

HK: Well he hesitated, didn't he.

NP: Yes he didn't know what to doff next. Henry you cleverly got in with only half a second on...

PJ: Oh what an unfair challenge!

NP: No, no, it's perfectly reasonable. Henry you start now.

HK: Well you see, the whole point...

WHISTLE

NP: So a very close contest this week, they're all getting points, and some when the whistle goes, and others in the round. And our joint leaders are still Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And our joint seconds are Kenneth Williams and Henry Kelly. And Kenneth you take the next round, the subject, spring heeled Jack. Will you tell us something about him in the game starting now.

KW: Well this is the English nomenclature. But properly speaking he should be called Jacques Montonsierre, and he was renowned for these remarkably quick entrances and exits. His father was Robin, he was the son, and they said "in and out like Jack Robinson". Now then he invented hooks and eyes, and of course when zip fasteners came in, it ruined the market. So he said he was going to assassinate the inventor who was called Zepronsky, from which of course, the fastener, as I mentioned before, takes...

BUZZ

NP: Henry Kelly challenged.

HK: It just occurs to me you might have said zip fastener twice.

NP: No he said zip fastener before which is hyphenated, he said fastener then which is not.

KW: There you are, you see!

HK: No he didn't...

KW: You're not listening properly, you see! You've got to have a chairman like him, because he listens absolutely accurately, you see! He's remarkable! He's got what they call a remarkably accurate...

HK: Oh belt up, will you!

NP: So Kenneth you continue on spring heeled Jack with 26 and a half seconds starting now.

KW: And of course he was the inspirer of that great rhyme.
Jack Sprat could eat no fat...

BUZZ

KW: And his wife could eat no lean...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

KW: And so between the pair of them
They licked the platter clean.

NP: You have, you were challenged after...

KW: Oh who challenged me?

CF: I did.

NP: Your friend beside you.

KW: What are you on about?

CF: Repetition.

NP: What of?

KW: Oh yes?

CF: Well, of course, and eat, and a few other littler words like...

KW: Oh righto!

NP: Mmmm! Yes! So Clement you have spring heeled Jack and you have 22 seconds starting now.

CF: As Kenneth so very rightly said, in France he was known as spring heeled Jacques. And he got away with an awful lot more than he managed to get caught. I remember particularly an instance in April eighteen hundred and forty-nine in which...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: He can't, even old as he is, remember what happened in 1849.

NP: I agree, he could have remembered having read about...

PJ: He didn't say that.

NP: I know he didn't, so I'm agreeing with you Peter.

PJ: Oh I see.

HK: Now that's what you call deviation.

PJ: Yes it is, isn't it.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Never mind.

NP: Seven and a half seconds for you on the subject Peter starting now.

PJ: Jack had these little springs in his heels and was able to jump about seven feet in the air. In compar, his companion was...

WHISTLE

PJ: Very slow! Very slow!

NP: Well at the end of that round Peter Jones has taken the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud, who begins the next round. Clement, press reporting, can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: I stayed in a hotel the other day. And in a corner of my room was a trouser press into which you placed a 10P piece. And it looked after the grooming of your suit...

BUZZ

NP: Henry Kelly challenged.

HK: I think he hesitated.

NP: I think he did as well Henry.

CF: Oh!

NP: So you have the subject of press reporting and 48 seconds starting now.

HK: But as I know the day, I shall continue where Clement left off. Into that place, you place your trousers. Then you have to put the little doings that are in the front, back in to the little doings that are at the back...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Two doings.

NP: Yes, there's too much doings.

HK: I didn't think he'd notice.

NP: A word like doings? Clement you have the subject back with 36 and a half seconds, press reporting starting now.

CF: And the computerised word processor spoke to me and said "this is your press reporting. Your garments are ready laundered." Press reporting is occasionally used in respect of newspapers and journalists. And gossip columnists are probably the most inaccurate reporters of news in the entire media. I know one who writes for The Daily Mail, and another who is on The Express which appears seven times, six times a week. I should have said seven because there is a gossip columnist...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: He said times twice.

NP: Yes that's right.

CF: I haven't finished!

NP: But Kenneth got in with a correct challenge and he has four seconds on press reporting starting now.

KW: It is notoriously biased, and in fact I have been misrepresented...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams is catching up on our two joint leaders. He's only two behind them. One of them is Peter Jones, and he takes the next round. The subject Peter is likeable chimney pots. Can you tell us something about that ridiculous subject in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: I think you've probably got to live with a chimney pot for quite a long time before you can get to really like it, much less develop any real deep emotional feeling about it. Likeable chimney pots are available for everybody I suppose. There must be one each for everybody on these islands...

BUZZ

NP: Henry Kelly challenged.

HK: I'm certain now that he said everybody twice.

NP: He did, and Henry you now have the subject of likeable chimney pots with 32 and a half seconds starting now.

HK: The best thing about chimney pots is that I once learned a poem when I was at school about those particular things. And that was that, I think it was called The Blackbird. By what magical arithmetic, he arrives at my home every evening, or something like that. But basically what it did was it introduced to me the whole concept of the subject under discussion, you see. Before that I had never really noticed these things. I had of course looked at certain walls and houses, and I'd seen things at the top of buildings and rooves and so on. But I never really appreciated...

WHISTLE

NP: So Henry Kelly kept going until the whistle went, in spite of repeating the word that five times and nobody challenged him...

HK: We're allowed little words, aren't we?

NP: Not five times.

KW: What you didn't realise was you can say the subject as much as you like. You could have said chimney pots as much as you like.

HK: Yeah I was trying to trick you though.

KW: You kept saying "the objects on top of the house", you could have said chimney pots.

HK: Yeah but you see "the objects on top of the house" takes up longer than chimney pots.

KW: Oh! You were hanging it out!

NP: Yes.

KW: Oh I see!

NP: And we can't hang it out any longer because I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute. So let me give you the final score. It was a very close contest as much as the contest is important but some people take an interest in that. Kenneth Williams finished in fourth place, but only one point behind Henry Kelly, our guest, who was only one point behind Clement Freud, who was only one point behind this week's winner, Peter Jones!

PJ: It's unusual!

NP: We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air and we play this delightful and sometimes impossible game. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.