NOTE: Kenneth Williams's 300th appearance, John Baddeley's first appearance.


ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo and John Baddeley in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we have three of our regulars, Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. And we welcome as a guest for the first time to play the game, John Baddeley. And as usual I will ask them to speak if they can on the subject that I give them, they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And let us begin this show this week with Kenneth Williams and who better. Kenneth, the subject is the Marie Celeste. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well this mystery concerns this ship which departed from New York in 1772, I'm sorry, 1872, and...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repeat of 72.

NP: Yes I'm sorry, yes.

CF: I, can I give it back to Kenneth?

NP: No!

KW: No it can't, that can't be a challenge! I mean it's ludicrous!

NP: You repeated 72, and I'm afraid Clement is right, so he has to take...

KW: I hadn't even started the subject! What are you talking about? We're allowed, we're allowed to get under way...

NP: You took nine seconds to establish the date and you still haven't got it right! So Clement unless you want Kenneth to continue...

CF: I'd like Kenneth to continue.

NP: Right! That's very generous of you. So Kenneth, with Clement's generosity you continue with 51 seconds on the Marie Celeste starting now.

KW: In seventeen eighty...


NP: Derek's challenged now.

DEREK NIMMO: I wouldn't like Kenneth to continue and it is repetition!

NP: It's repetition.

KW: I hadn't started, you keep on, you see what you've done, you flummox people and you get them into such a state that instead of being able to do their job properly, you just succeed into making nervous wrecks out of them! I mean if you want me to be reduced to this gibbering idiot, is that what you want, is it?

DN: Well...

KW: If you want to sit looking at a gibbering idiot...

DN: Well I have done for 16 years!

KW: Hah!

NP: Kenneth that is one of the ploys of the game. That's what they try to do to me all the time. That's why I am as I am sometimes. That's my excuse anyway.

KW: Now look, give me the subject...

NP: I am going to say, as Clement was generous to you, now Derek can be generous to you, and there are 50 seconds for you to continue on the Marie Celeste starting now.

KW: The Marie Celeste was a brigantine, and she was found twixt the Azores in Portugal unfortunately with all sails full set but the crew mysteriously vanished. And they had taken the sextant, the ship's register, and gone into a void that has never to this day been properly explained. The poet said
The girls, the wives that watched in the rain
For the ship that won't come home again...


KW: It must be them there winds, they said
He'll be home tomorrow if not today
And home they go by the windy streets
Thinking the men are homeward bound
With anchors hungry for English ground
And the bloody fun of it is, they're drowned!

NP: I'm sorry, before you got to that last lovely bit with the accent there, Clement had challenged you. What was it Clement?

CF: Repetition of ship.

NP: Yes you did repeat the word ship.

KW: Well he's no good anyway. You don't want to hear him anyway! You don't want to hear him!

NP: We did hear you quite a lot on that subject. You did go for nearly 48, 48 seconds. Clement has 12 seconds to talk about the Marie Celeste starting now.

CF: I would like to say that rumours that the SDP were the crew of the Marie Celeste are totally unfounded. In seventeen hundred and eighty-two, on the high seas...


NP: So Clement Freud kept going then till the whistle went then, gained that extra point. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject picnics. Can you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Picnic is a term given to open air food, a sort of French (speaks in French). But also colloquially a picnic is doing something very simple, like mugging Kenneth Williams. Anybody could go along and perform an art or act of that kind without stressing themselves greatly. I would like to talk about a picnic in food which is why, I suspect, that Ian Messiter gave me the subject. Sandwiches are excellent, so is lemonade, tea, milk, coffee, especially with sugar, and iced would be particularly welcome if I was to go on this picnic. I take my family quite frequently to the sands at Dunnage which is in Suffolk, a city which once had three Members of Parliament, then became a rotten borough and we...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: He's gone into a party political broadcast! He's supposed to be talking about picnics.

NP: Yeah, he has deviated from picnics into talking about the borough of Suffolk. And so um I agree with the deviation, there are 14 seconds left for you Derek, picnics starting now.

DN: In Australia the term picnics means going to the racing. I went to one once 150 miles east of Alice Springs in the Harch Range, and the only permanent building there was the jail. And at lunchtime there were about seven people. And I ran up to the person who ran the joint...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I'm afraid so, he got the subject back again and he, he got the, only half a second left Clement on picnics starting now.

CF: Doughnuts...


NP: Well Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point, but Derek Nimmo's still in the lead and it is also his turn to begin. And the subject Derek is getting abroad for the holidays. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: Well of course as one gets older, it's very difficult to get abroad for the holidays. What I usually do is place an advertisement in Time Out or Private Eye saying "youngish Anglo-Saxon male, reasonably well preserved, requires broad to accompany him on his holidays. Please send photograph with dimensions to..." a box number which I generally provide. And I get perhaps one or maybe three replies. I sort through them and think "that's the broad that I want to go with me". And then off we go, passports in hand, across on the Channel Ferry, or if things are fairly happy with a bit of cash in hand, on the Orient Express. And then in Venice we get out, and my broad and I rush across the sands...


NP: John Baddeley challenged.

JOHN BADDELEY: I seem to have heard broad many times.

NP: Yes, you see actually John, you are allowed to repeat, repeat the um word on the card. But the word is abroad on the card.

JB: That's right.

NP: And you repeated the word broad. So that's a good challenge John, well done. And you take over the subject and there are 19 seconds left for getting abroad for the holidays starting now.

DN: How, may I just ask...

NP: Yes...

DN: ...as this is a game which we have to listen to, how do I know that it's getting a broad, or getting abroad? You see, getting abroad for the holidays, the indefinite article could indeed be on the card as far as I'm concerned.

NP: Well on the card it's abroad...

DN: We don't know that, do we! As you just pointed out to us, we have to listen...

KW: He's telling you now! He's telling you now!

NP: I'm telling you now.

DN: Oh I see.

NP: On the card is abroad, all as one word, and you repeated the word broad. So John was correct and he takes over the subject as I said before...

DN: Oh I see.

CF: He's not correct!

NP: He is a guest...

KW: Be quiet! Be quiet!

DN: He's not correct!

CF: He's not correct!

KW: Don't challenge the chairman! How dare you! What do you think you're doing!

NP: Don't challenge the chairman? They never cease to!

KW: What would we do if we didn't have a chairman? It would all be anarchy, wouldn't it!

JB: What do you think?

NP: John you have got the subject and you have 19 seconds, getting abroad for the holidays starting now.

JB: I think it can be very difficult these days, getting abroad for the holidays...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: It isn't! It's getting easier and easier.

JB: No you've got to let me finish and tell you why.

NP: He hasn't yet, he hasn't...

JB: You have to let me explain.

NP: He's allowed to have his opinion, even if it doesn't coincide with anybody else. So that's his opinion and he expressed it on the subject and there are 15 seconds left for him to continue starting now.

JB: Because only today I had to go along and collect my tickets to go away to Tenerife this coming weekend, the reason being that there is a postal strike. And they said "we're very sorry but we haven't got your tickets". So they had to...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of tickets.

NP: Yes I'm afraid, when you start speeding up, then the words come back more quickly. And it happened with you, you tripped up. Six seconds are left for Clement on getting abroad for the holidays starting now.

CF: I did once put an advertisement into Time Out. And they said "I'm sorry... getting..."


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: It definitely was a hesitation.

JB: Who done it? Who got it? Who by?

CF: Derek!

NP: Derek's light came on when he pressed. You all pressed your buzzers, but the first one whose light came on in front of me tells me who has it. And it was Derek, one and a half seconds on the subject starting now.

DN: Going to France is always very nice...


NP: So Derek's moving into a very strong lead here, Clement Freud's still in second place, and then John Baddeley, and then Kenneth Williams in that order. And John Baddeley, your turn to begin, the subject, avoiding crocodiles. Will you tell us something about that if you can in the game starting now.

JB: I think this is something that concerns every man, woman and child in this country, avoiding the crocodiles, indeed everybody throughout the world. They have really got to avoid crocodiles at all costs. Because you can be going down any High Street any day of the week, and you can see a crocodile coming towards you. And if you're a school for example, by part-time I am a headmaster as you well know. And I see this every day, boys going to two by two, making their way to...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Two by two, repetition.

NP: Two by two yes. (laughs)

JB: That's a phrase! No no no, I mean, two by two is a phrase.

NP: But you repeated the word two.

JB: Oh yes, going back to 1882 again, 72, it's the same thing.

NP: Yes yes. So Derek you have 30 seconds on avoiding crocodiles starting now.

DN: I first had to avoid a crocodile was when I went to St Louis which is in South Africa. We had a frightfully good Zulu guide who took us down to the bottom of his river basin. And there hidden amongst the foliage was a crocodile! Now he had with him a very large rifle, and he shot it, off with a tremendous bang, and fortunately for me the crocodile scurried back into the water...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You can't shoot after a bang. You shoot before the bang.

NP: Oh that's a very clever challenge yes, after the bang he shot. He did say that didn't he?

DN: No!

NP: Well done...

DN: After the bang the crocodile shot into the water. You ought to listen, you fool! He twists you around his little finger, he does! Just because he was your prefect at school!

NP: Well you all try to twist me around your little finger. I must say I didn't pick it up, I do admit I did not pick up that particular point. Is that what you said?

DN: Of course it's what I said.

NP: Is that what he said?

KW: Yes!


NP: Who said no? You see, they're divided! Right Derek then you continue on avoiding crocodiles, 15 seconds starting now.

DN: If you're a handbag maker, then of course you shouldn't avoid them. But if you can get hold of one, they're jolly nice...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Oh if you, if you twice.

NP: Yes yes right. Clement you have 10 seconds on a...

DN: Oh we're playing a mean game, now are we?

NP: He's playing a mean game yes because he didn't get the other challenge. Ten seconds, avoiding crocodiles starting now.

CF: My advice to anyone who wants to avoid crocodiles is to stick to Park Lane, Piccadilly, Regent Street and Oxford Street...


NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two streets.

NP: Two streets, Oxford Street and Regent Street. Two seconds for you, avoiding crocodiles Derek starting now.

DN: Don't go through long grass where...


NP: Well Derek Nimmo really is on form today. He's obviously, all his adrenaline is pumping away. Because he's now taken one of the biggest leads that has ever been established in Just A Minute. Derek, dirty tricks is the subject, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

DN: I think the dirtiest trick that was ever played upon me happened because I was in a show with Mister Gerry Marsden of Pacemaker fame. It was called Charley Girl at the Adelphi Theatre in the Strand. One night he welcomed into his dressing room an elderly theatrical critic who was rather crippled and maimed. When the aforementioned pop star went on to the stage, this old man started to berate him, and say quite horrid things about my dear chum. So when he emerged back to me again, I told him what had happened. I said "this proud beast of a cripple has said dreadful things about you..."


NP: John Baddeley challenged.

JB: Is that not a repetition of the word cripple?

NP: No he said crippled before, you see.

JB: Oh I see.

NP: One has to listen awfully carefully.

JB: Very carefully.

NP: One has to be fair yes. But it's lovely to hear from you John.

JB: Thank you very much.

NP: It is a difficult game but well listened. Derek you continue on dirty tricks with 20 seconds left starting now.

DN: Whereupon my Liverpudlian chum said "you dirty bounder! You rotten swine!" And grabbed hold of his walking stick and started hitting him on his hump several times, kicked him in the stomach, threw him to the ground. The man was sobbing and howling by this time. I eventually tore them apart...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He's talking about a single trick.

NP: Well yes, it might have been a single trick, but it's a very good example of dirty tricks.

CF: Oh really?

NP: Yes.

CF: It's not dirty tricks, is it?

DN: I was going to mention more.

NP: He hasn't got to mention half a dozen tricks on the subject in order to establish it! Dirty tricks, he's giving a fine example of a dirty trick, if it's true or not. It's getting a bit, bit over the top at the moment! But we've got to believe him otherwise um the whole game falls apart doesn't it. There are four and a half seconds still with you Derek on dirty tricks starting now.

DN: And the dirty trick was because the fellow was an actor made up to look like an old fellow and he wasn't a real one at all...


NP: So as you might have guessed Derek Nimmo has increased his lead considerably in that round. And John Baddeley our guest begins the next round. John the subject that Ian Messiter's thought of for you is unsolicited mail. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

JB: There's nothing I like more than waking up first thing in the morning, than to hear the sound of the latch on the garden gate, the crunch of footsteps coming up the garden path, the letterbox rattling, to hear a thud inside the door on the mat, to go down the landing, descend the stairs, and there is the correspondence of the day waiting for me. To have that friends, relatives and loved ones sending you greetings. But the thing that I regret most of all is to see unsolicited mail. What is that? Legally speaking, it appears it is something that you have not asked for. Per example, it could be, well, income tax, or maybe central heating experts, or double glazing manufacturers and only because they're...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes.

KW: Oh very slight!

JB: Very slight! I mean, after all, he complains about me not speaking, and then what does he do?

KW: Yes!

NP: It was actually hesitation but he's never played the game before...

KW: He's a guest! He's a guest Nick!

NP: John...

JB: Yes?

NP: In my position as chairman, I have to make the decision...

JB: Right...

JB: I consider that while it was an accurate challenge, I'm going to allow you the benefit of the doubt and you get a point for an incorrect challenge and you continue with unsolicited mail and there are 17 seconds left starting now.

JB: I opened this letter and it said "would you like to be more alluring for the man in your life?"


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I, I, the diction was appalling. Would you like to be who?

DN: More alluring, I think.

KW: Who's she?

DN: I don't know!

KW: More alluring?

JB: You were on my side two minutes ago! Now what...

KW: Well I mean, I get wild when I can't understand something!

NP: Oh but this is what happens in Just A Minute.

JB: Absolutely!

NP: One minute they're with you and next minute they're against you. So, but, who is, who is this Morning Glory? Morning Glory?

JB: Who's that?

CF: I understood.

NP: You understood.

JB: Thank you.

CF: More alluring.

JB: That's the word.

KW: Oh!

NP: Oh!

KW: Beg your pardon!

NP: Do you know you could make quite a good living doing voiceovers, I think.

KW: More alluring! Ah!

NP: More alluring, did you get it now in the audience?


NP: What was it?


NP: More alluring.

KW: Yes!

JB: I wish I could say it as well as that. I mean I'm absolutely...

KW: Now I see it all!

NP: I'm glad we've established that.

KW: Yes! Sorry!

NP: So there are 11 seconds for you to continue on unsolicited mail John starting now.

JB: "Wear something flimsy tonight," it said. I was outraged. How dare they? So I cast that into the wastepaper basket. As I was doing so the front door bell rang...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of front door.

NP: You had front door before I'm afraid.

JB: That's true.

NP: Yes, this time I cannot give you any generosity, but leave it to Derek Nimmo with two seconds on unsolicited mail starting now.

DN: I wander through Soho trying to be solicited...


NP: Kenneth your turn to begin, billiards. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: The thing to do is to get hold of the cue and rub on this special chalk which comes in a cube and is sometimes blue, but more often white. Then you get into a position which enables you to line up this bit of wood with a ball you've got your eye on in the sense of wanting to put it in a pocket, you see. Not your own pocket, don't mistake...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of pocket.

NP: I'm afraid you repeated pocket. I know one was a billiard table pocket, and the other was your own, but it was this one. So Clement has billiards and 31 and a half seconds starting now.

CF: What a wise man said about billiards was that you needed balls to play. And I think that's absolutely right, be they white or red. And even if it is snooker in which you wish to indulge, a billiard table is the very piece of hardware that you need. It has a green baize cloth stretched over slate with eight legs. Now that's a surprising number of pieces of wood to hold up, something like a billiard board. But there it is, and that's the way that the cookie crumbles as Joe Davis...


NP: Well he was really running out of steam on the subject but kept going magnificently till the whistle went, gained the extra point, and he's creeping up in second place on Derek Nimmo, our leader. John Baddeley and Kenneth Williams are trailing somewhat. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject, boar's head. Would you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: It's a very odd thing that the more patriotic food is, the more disgusting it is. And I've said more twice...


CF: ... and why Derek Nimmo hasn't challenged me...

NP: John Baddeley challenged.

CF: Ah!

JB: Either he said it is more than once. He said he said more.

NP: Well whatever it was, you've challenged so you're going to get it. And you have 57 seconds on boar's head starting now.

JB: The bard William Shakespeare of course knew all about The Boar's Head. This is situated in and still is to this very day in Eastcheap. It was there that Prince Hal, Sir John Falstaff, Nimbardoff, Poyns, Gadshill and indeed ah the hostess...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I thought hesitation.

NP: I'm afraid he's right there Clement, and you have the subject back and you have 37 seconds, boar's head starting now.

CF: What you do is you take the eyes, tongue, ears, brain, nostrils, lights and such other pieces inside a boar's head and mince...


NP: Ah Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, there are no lights inside a boar's head! Rubbish! It's absolute crap, isn't it! What a load of rubbish, he talks! Supposed to be a culinary expert! Huh!

NP: As far as I know, you're right!

KW: Of course I'm right!

NP: The lights come from in the stomach.

KW: Do me a favour! Do me a favour mate! Of course I'm right! Who are you kidding! Yes!

NP: You're looking like a butcher now, the way you're working!

KW: So I get the subject, right?

NP: Yes, 25 seconds, boar's head starting now.

KW: I went to the butcher and I said "do you have a boar's head?" And he said "I've had it all my life!" Which I thought was pretty witty coming from a merchant in that particular field. But they are hunted, and we do see them in the medieval tapestries, those old boar's heads. And how fine they look when they decorate the table, especially if they're surrounded by stuffed olives and nightingales. And you think of those Elizabethan banquets, what a time they must have had...


NP: So Kenneth Williams kept going magnificently with his boar's head until the end, gained the extra point and he's still in fourth place, just behind John Baddeley, a little bit behind Clement Freud, and way behind Derek Nimmo, our leader, who begins the next round and the subject, nepotism. Derek tell us something about that please in the game starting now.

DN: Well nepotism is the ability or the aim, I suppose it would be really, to give assistance to relations. It comes from the Italian word nepot which means nephew and grew up in the Papal courts, I want to say, in fact I do, where they had to give the influence, the good jobs, because they couldn’t have any children, you see, they were Catholics and priests and so on. So they had to give them to their next of kin...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I think Derek should declare an interest!


NP: Because of the many...

CF: He employs his wife and all his children, and everybody else he knows!

NP: For those of you who don't get the meaning of that, Derek has played in many programmes, comedy programmes in which he's played a brother, and he's played a vicar, and he's played other characters connected with the church. I thought you were going to challenge on the fact that the priests didn't have any children. So he said they weren't able to have any children. So anyway you didn't so Derek you get a point for that, it wasn't an accurate challenge, nepotism still with you and there are 37 seconds left starting now.

DN: Jobs for the boys! That's the idea of it, you see! If you've got something that you can't find anybody worthwhile, bring in a relation. They're the ones that will do it for you much cheaper than anybody else...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: He said "bring in a relation". I don't think he wants a relation, I think he means a relative.

NP: Oh you're, you're being terribly clever. You're right but I mean people do use the word in that sense.

KW: They do indeed. The language is littered with such solecisms!

NP: I think we'll give you a bonus point for that round of applause because your remark gained that spontaneous reaction from the audience. But because we do speak colloquially in Just A Minute, we couldn't keep going otherwise. Derek keeps the subject starting, sorry, with 28 seconds left starting now.

DN: One of the earlier Director-Generals of the BBC loved men with spun gold...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of B.

NP: Of...

KW: Oh that's ridiculous! That is just ludicrous!

NP: No, BBC! I think it's a clever challenge!

DN: A very good challenge!

KW: It's a title, it's a title, you can't possibly say that is repetition!

NP: Well he should have said the British Broadcasting Corporation!

KW: Rubbish! We've always called it the BBC! I mean, none of us have been accused of repetition for saying BBC. You might as well say that old so-and-so is repetition. It's not, it's an accepted word.

NP: It isn't, it's hyphenated, so-and-so is.

KW: It's like haha, these are accepted. HAHA means a sunken ditch and you know it!

NP: He repeated the word B and I thought it was a very good...

KW: You're going to make nonsense of the game if you allow that kind of rubbish!

NP: The game is nonsense anyway! No no I thought it was a very good challenge, no, BBC...

CF: It wasn't that good a challenge!

NP: And Clement you have er 24 seconds, nepotism starting now.

CF: Well I said to my wife "it really is time we sacked our daughter from being a director of the company". And she answered "do you think one of our children or your cousin Edgar would be more suitable?" "Never mind as long as it remains with the family," was the only answer I could give her because nepotism is the single most important way of finding jobs from the people who you...


NP: Clement's still in second place, gaining more points all the time, creeping up on our leader Derek Nimmo. And John Baddeley begins the next round. John the subject is croquet. Will you tell us something about that delightful subject in the game starting now.

JB: Well I shall start by saying I don't want you to confuse croquet for one minute. It has nothing to do with potatoes. We are referring to a pastime which was created in France, I think in the 18th century, and it came over about 150 years ago to this country. And it's played at stately homes on the lawns at the back, or in public schools. And it was made famous, of course, in Alice In Wonderland. You may remember balls were hedgehogs, the mallets were flamingos, and the hoops were soldiers bent over head to toe. Now the purpose of the game is you have two round objects and a stick in the centre, and you have to get these...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: A hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation yes, they let you go on the game John, but they got you on the hesitation. And there are 24 seconds on croquet Derek starting now.

DN: July afternoon, the scene is the Hurlingham Club, down by the river Thames. Croquet lawns in full swing, mallets hitting balls. Elderly clergymen, people from all over the world are gathering for the world croquet championship. This seems to me to be the height of civilised sportsmanship. Why can't people play...


NP: So that loud whistle of Ian Messiter's, not only tells us that 60 seconds was up for that round, and Derek Nimmo got the point for speaking at that moment, but also tells us that we've come to the end of the show for this week. We do hope you've enjoyed it and let me give you the final scores. Kenneth Williams was equal with John Baddeley, our guest in third place this week. A little way behind Clement Freud who was in second place. And they were all a long way behind our leader who was on tremendous form this week, none other than Derek Nimmo! I shouldn't say none other really, I should say who else, but there we are. So Derek won the show this week but it is what they all contribute to the game that matters. And we hope that you've enjoyed all their contributions, and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air and we try and play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.