JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,LPurves,HKelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, LIBBY PURVES and HENRY KELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 June 1984)

NOTE: Henry Kelly's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Libby Purves and Henry Kelly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we have two of our regular players of the game. And we are delighted to welcome back someone who played with great success in the last series, that is Libby Purves. And someone who has not played the game before, we welcome Henry Kelly. Would you welcome those two please. As usual I'm going to ask them to speak if they can on the subject that I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitating, repeating themselves, or deviating from the subject on the card. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, the subject is getting a thrill. Oh some, the audience are laughing already. Kenneth will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I think the biggest thrill I can get is when I'm on something like the Big Dipper. I've done it in Blackpool and another resort also, so I say. And when it goes right over that hump, and accelerates down, the blood rushes to my head, the adrenaline starts to flow, and I scream out terrible things like "whoopee!" and get a face quite unlike my usual staid and solemn and dignified self. On the other hand, a fan wrote to me and said "darling Kenny, put you on my mantelpiece, that's where you should always be, because your place in my heart is secure". Well I was thrilled to read sentiments like that, I can tell you, and I thought to myself "you're a lucky boy! But then with your beauty, good looks, charm, radiating in such a delightful..."

BUZZ

NP: Henry Kelly has challenged you.

HENRY KELLY: Deviation! Beauty, good looks and charm is a lie in his case!

NP: Well I am not going to judge on the personal appearance of anyone on our panel. So on these occasions I bow to the superior judgement of our audience here in the studio, and ask you to decide whether you agree with Henry Kelly's challenge about Kenneth's charm and good looks. And if you, if you agree with Henry, which is a negative challenge, then you all boo, and if you disagree, you all cheer for Kenneth, and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Yes!

NP: So all this mob that you dragged in off the street, er Kenneth, agree that you have charm, good looks, and all the other things that you mentioned.

KW: Yes.

NP: So Henry doesn't get a point for that challenge, you get one for a wrong challenge, you keep the subject for another three seconds starting now.

KW: Well I've always lived a very clean life, otherwise I wouldn't be here today, well not looking so lovely, I can assure you...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Kenneth Williams got the extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And you won't be surprised, or you probably worked it out for yourselves. There's only one person who has scored any points so far, Kenneth Williams. Clement Freud will you begin the next round, the subject is cards. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: A card, according to Arnold Bennett, is a bit of a wit. In South Yorkshire or north Nottingham. But mostly it is a piece of pasteboard, usually hard. And the harder it is, the more solemn the occasion that it signifies. I've never quite understood why Valentine cards which should evoke a soft emotion are actually much, much less rigid...

BUZZ

CF: And I said much twice.

NP: Libby has challenged.

LIBBY PURVES: Much much repetition.

NP: Much yes. And so a repetition, Libby you picked it up, a point for the right challenge and 35 seconds to take over the subject of cards starting now.

LP: The reading of cards in a social manner was a charming habit belonging to a past age. What one did was to arrive with one's card at the house of an acquaintance, and place it on the silver tray in the hall. You then pick up all the other cards from the aforesaid receptacle, and pretend all the distinguished people mentioned in these have called on you instead. This gave you a warm feeling, similar to that which is achieved when you think the minute is very nearly up. But how nothing...

BUZZ

NP: And you almost got there, there were two seconds left, but Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation. Nothing about cards.

NP: No, I'm afraid you deviated.

LP: The feeling, the feeling that cards give me is very similar...

CF: No, no.

LP: ... to the feeling when I think I'm going to beat Freud over there.

NP: No, I think, Libby, you deviated from the subject, in talking about the feeling you get when Just A Minute is almost up, so that's getting away from the subject of cards. So I give it to Clement with two seconds starting now.

CF: A happy Christmas...

BUZZ

NP: And Libby challenged.

LP: Hesitation.

NP: She may not have played the game very often before as a guest, but she's certainly got the rules in her head. Libby what do I do? No he was only going for half a second, I really can't. One and a half seconds on cards Clement starting now.

CF: And a very happy new year...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Ian Messiter blows his whistle after 60 seconds. And on that occasion Clement Freud was speaking so he took the extra point, and he's gone ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Henry Kelly, will you take the next round, the subject is lie detectors. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

HK: (very quickly) Lie detectors are now becoming very popular in the United States of America where of course...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: He'll never be able to keep it up with that pace!

HK: Oh yes I will!

NP: You must have just returned from pantomime somewhere Henry. Right, I'll tell you what we'll do. We will give Clement a bonus point for a good challenge for, because it entertained us. But it had got nothing to do with the game, so we leave the subject with Henry of lie detectors, 51 seconds, and of course he gets a point for being interrupted, 51 seconds starting now.

HK: America where they are becoming very popular because of course there are a lot of...

BUZZ

NP: Libby Purves challenged.

LP: They're not popular, everybody hates them! They're always demonstrating against them.

NP: They might be popular with the police, you see.

HK: I like them!

LP: The police, the police are not the people!

NP: No, they can be popular with some people, depending on their profession Libby. So I have to give the benefit of the doubt to Henry, leave it with him, 52 and a half seconds left with you Henry, another point as well, starting now.

HK: Where despite many attacks on their popularity, they are growing in popularity...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Ah repetition?

NP: I, I think you could call that repetition yes. Yes it was ah, it was a needle decision for me to make. But Clement you have the subject of lie detectors and there are 48 seconds starting now.

CF: Three years ago a colour magazine decided to do a test between politicians, jockeys and I can't remember what the other profession was, to see which told most lies. And it was an extraordinary thing, because we assembled in Grazin Road and each of us tried very hard to show how good we were at not being able to tell us lies. So the test was a total failure! I won! I can't...

BUZZ

NP: Henry challenged.

HK: He's hesitating since he opened his mouth!

NP: No, no, he just hesitated then, once. He only hesitated once then, when you challenged.

HK: Well, that will do!

NP: I know! So you have the subject back Henry, with 23 seconds on lie detectors starting now.

HK: These machines of course do not attest to the veracity of this...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He's not keeping it up!

NP: That, that is too subtle for words. I'm not going to give you any more bonus points. But Henry gets another point for being interrupted, not an incorrect challenge. Nineteen seconds still with you Henry, making points all the time, lie detectors starting now.

HK: Of statements made by people, but tell you how people actually are prone in their beds...

BUZZ

NP: Libby Purves challenged.

LP: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes you had too many people. Fifteen seconds are left with you, lie detectors starting now.

LP: I would...

BUZZ

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I know but she's a guest, and she hasn't played it very often before, so I'm not going to ah...

KW: Innit marvellous! He lets her get away with murder!

NP: So Libby, 14 seconds, but keep it moving, lie detectors starting now.

LP: I would dearly love to take a lie detector test, because people would be paying such very close attention to what I said, and recorded on a graph with a rolling piece of paper in front of me. This would make me feel incredibly important...

WHISTLE

NP: So on that occasion Libby Purves was speaking as the whistle went, and she got the extra point. She's now equal in the lead with Clement Freud, Henry Kelly's only one point behind. And Kenneth, after that masterful lead at the end of the first round is back in fourth place. I only say back there, because he's been known to be there, in spite of his contributions. Libby would you begin the next round please, the subject is fortune telling.

LP: Fortune...

NP: Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

LP: Fortunes may be told in many ways. By pulling the leaves off daisies, by looking at the similar organisms which are found in tea, by examining people's hands or indeed the soles of their feet. All of their methods of fortune telling are extremely dangerous and should not be indulged in by amateurs. Many years ago, children, I was told that I would have 15 offspring. This was deduced by a school friend looking at size of my hands. I now have one and four ninths offspring, and I have to tell you that for fear...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: I'm afraid there were two offspring, you see. She said offspring twice.

CF: No, offsprings and offspring.

NP: She said offsprings. Thank you Clement, but I did actually...

KW: You can't have offsprings. Surely offspring is plural in itself!

NP: What she said...

KW: That's deviation if she said offsprings.

NP: Yes you should have challenged her for deviation of offsprings.

KW: It can't be plural, offsprings.

LP: It was a mistake. I do admit I was wrong.

NP: Yes I know you might admit now, but you were challenged...

LP: I'd like to give this to Kenneth, because Kenneth and I, you know...

NP: You want to give it to him, do you?

LP: I'd like to give it to Kenneth, yes.

KW: Yes, she's obviously run out of ideas, you see.

NP: All right, all right Kenneth, she's generously given it to you, so let's hear...

LP: I'll have it back in a minute!

NP: ... from you, let's hear from you on the subject of fortune telling with ah 26 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well I've had the most incredible experiences in this direction. I went to Petralengo, you know, on the pier there at Brighton. She said to me "I see you crossing water!" I said "I might have my arms over a puddle! What's that mean?" She said "no, you're going a long way!" Well within a few months, where was I? Yes I was in Australia...

WHISTLE

NP: So it's a very even contest. And Kenneth Williams has gone back into the lead, alongside Clement Freud and Libby Purves, with Henry Kelly only one point behind. And Kenneth back with you to begin, the subject, Lymphenburg Palace near Munich. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: Well I'm not an architectural expert. I can say that it's a fine example of Rococo building. Beautifully wedding cakish, I think one could say. With this incredible collection of china, maison can be found there. And some tai ping blue glazed urns which have inspired many, including Picasso which gave him his blue period. And...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged. You challenged Clement? You pressed your buzzer anyway.

CF: Repetition of blue.

NP: Yes repetition of blue. Yes well we have to know whether you've spotted it, or whether you've just sort of...

CF: Ah!

NP: ... having me on.

CF: I was being intimidated by Kenneth Williams!

NP: Oh that's a new ah situation existing between you. So Clement you take over the subject of Lymphenburg Palace near Munich, 31 seconds starting now.

CF: What is probably best known about Lymphenburg Palace is that it is near Munich, in Bavaria, in the Federal Republic of West Germany. I would like to say that Lymphenburg Palace... near Munich...

BUZZ

NP: Libby Purves has challenged.

LP: Ah hesitation and a repetition simultaneously.

NP: Well done.

CF: No repetition.

NP: So 17 seconds for you on Lymphenburg Palace near Munich, Libby starting now.

LP: Lymphenburg Palace football team, what a wonderful...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, it doesn’t exist!

LP: How do you know?

NP: How do you know?

KW: I do know, I've been there!

LP: You never saw them...

KW: And just the same as Blenheim Palace or Buckingham Palace, no football teams are allowed to be associated with the place!

NP: Well you never know, it might...

KW: I should have the subject back! Now stop prevaricating! It's ridiculous, isn't it! I've come all the way from Great Portland Street to be treated like a load of rubbish! I mean, just kick me as you pass, I say!

NP: All right, 14 seconds for you on Lymphenburg Palace starting now.

KW: The brilliant Austrian writer said of this great edifice that it had expired him to write...

BUZZ

NP: Libby has challenged you again.

LP: He said inspired once before.

NP: Yes you did talk about inspiration before, inspired, that's the second time you used it.

KW: I don't think I should be picked up for something that occurred ages and ages ago! I mean it's ridiculous! I mean...

NP: I think it's very clever of her to have remembered it long ago, seeing how much has gone between.

KW: Yes it is quite clever! Yes! Yes! Well we must give her a point then!

NP: Yes she's got in very cleverly with two seconds to go on the Lymphenburg Palace near Munich starting now.

LP: That match against Athletico Madrid...

WHISTLE

NP: The first time Libby Purves came as a guest on Just A Minute, the first remarks on the show were "I've come here to win". And she didn't say it this time, but she's fulfilling the early promise. She's now in the lead, ahead of Kenneth Williams who is in second place now, ahead of Clement Freud and Henry Kelly in that order. Clement, your turn to begin, the subject is a book I should have read starting now.

CF: A book I should have read was Gibbons' Decline And Fall Of The Roman Empire. And each time I go to Italy, and have waiters spill pasta, tagliatenni and ravioli over my Chelsea boot, I say to myself I should have read... that book.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he was trying to think another way of saying...

KW: Yeah I know! That was murder...

NP: Kenneth you got in and you have 42 seconds now on a book I should have read starting now.

KW: Well a book I should have read undoubtedly is The Life Of William The Silent, which was written by Motley. Because while the Wedgwood volume excited me and made me want to learn more, I was assured by an erudite and learned man, as a matter of fact he was at Key's College, and told me this was the finest work on that incredible monarch that was ever written. He said the last sentence was quite remarkable. "While he lived he was the guiding star..."

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams, impressing everyone with his erudition. They almost felt we had read the book actually!

KW: No, you should have heard that last bit because it was a marvellous...

NP: Well let's hear it now then!

KW: Yes it's a wonderful last sentence. "While he lived he was the guiding star of a whole brave nation, and when he died, the little children cried in the streets." That's wonderful, isn't it! Really wonderful! Really marvellous!

NP: Not a dry, they're all writing it down, they're going to...

CF: Can we have, can we hear some more about the Lymphenburg Palace near Munich?

KW: Yes, the Lymphenburg Palace. I was trying to tell you about Sascha Masoch. Because you know he is Masoch after which masochism is named.

NP: Oh I knew that, yes definitely yes!

KW: And he said that it inspired his L'amour Alavoutee. He wrote it there.

NP: Really?

KW: Yes.

NP: And ah at the end of that round, you got an extra point for speaking as the whistle went. You're just one point behind Libby Purves now. Henry Kelly begins the next round, it's keeping fit Henry. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

HK: For a person of my physique the best way of keeping fit is to run out in the rain and dodge between the drops. Alternatively you can of course walk to the cardiac unit of most general hospitals in this country, and visit your friends who have gone there because they jog. Recently I went to a health farm where I discovered that the real secret of keeping fit is in fact ah farm...

BUZZ

NP: Libby Purves challenged.

LP: It was interesting, but there was a hesitation.

NP: I know.

HK: I agree.

NP: As Clement said, at the pace you go, you see. You should take a leaf out of Kenneth's book there.

HK: Well I haven't long to live, you see!

NP: So at that pace, and if anybody else had gone at that, you know, it wouldn't probably have been hesitation. But you did er, and so the er has got Libby in with a point. And the subject, keeping fit, 40 seconds starting now.

LP: The best way of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

KW: Definitely hesitation.

CF: Mmmm!

KW: I quite agree with you Clement! hear hear! Quite so! Quite appalling!

LP: It's the way I breathe.

KW: Either that or she's got a speech impediment! Something's wrong with her, you can tell!

HK: Stop intruding into private grief!

NP: I didn't, I didn't allow it the last time when you didn't get going on the now. And this time it was one and a half seconds so I think...

KW: Yes it's not good enough! You're quite right Nicholas! He's right you know!

NP: I must...

KW: You've got to put your foot down!

NP: I now give him the benefit of the doubt. I always have to say this, because if I'm not fair to them all, oh we have such scenes afterwards! I can't tell you! Right Clement, she did go one and a half seconds without speaking. That means there are 38 and a half for you on keeping fit starting now.

CF: I've never quite understood the attraction of keeping fit. But whenever I watch television, somebody in the morning seems to be shouting at me saying "in, out, up, down, upwards, downwards, inwards, outwards", and all that sort of stuff. And fat and unappetising ladies and gentlemen cavort themselves around my 17 inch screen, showing what I would very much not like to do, which is to be svelte and slim and have bad breath and wet feet and tennis elbow, and for all I know, unhappy, hirsute...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Libby's challenged.

LP: He did hesitate after unhappy.

NP: Oh yes I agree, he was running to a... definite...

CF: I had a pause between two words!

NP: You were running out of steam...

CF: No I wasn't, no.

NP: ... completely and you had about that I interpret as hesitation. So Libby you have keeping fit and five seconds starting now.

LP: The best way of keeping fit is to live on a fourth floor flat with no lift...

WHISTLE

NP: So Libby got the subject back, kept going till the whistle, gained an extra point, and has increased her lead at the end of the round. And she also begins the next round, it is my greatest mistake. Libby can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

LP: My greatest mistake was that I once did get fit. If I had never been in this condition, I would not now be aware that I am unfit. But in 1978, I believe it was, I was going on a long sailing trip, and decided that I would finally get into the sort of shape that women should be in for athletic pursuits. For eight months, I swam every day, I walked, I ran. It was the most boring experience, and at the end of it, I was a magnificent specimen. Alas since those days, things have rather gone down the drain. And now I... (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes you went down the drain and so did your speech yes.

LP: I couldn't go on describing what things are like now. Not on the radio!

NP: It is difficult.

LP: They don't know out there, they don't know.

NP: You had them on the edge of their seats, out there in the audience too. They don't know which drain you went down! Clement you have the subject, my greatest mistake, 21 seconds are left starting now.

CF: My greatest mistake was answering an advertisement in a newspaper which promised to give me the best holiday that anyone had ever had, provided I sent a postal order for four pounds and 85 P. As a result of which, an envelope would be dispatched, giving me news of such sunshine days as I had never experienced...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement got more points then, including that one as the whistle went. He's creeping up on Libby Purves again which is a very embarrassing thing to do. But I'm speaking metaphorically of course. She's still in the lead, Kenneth is only just behind Clement, Henry is trailing a little. And Kenneth begins the next round, the subject Kenneth, modesty. Oh something so close to your heart. So can you modestly tell us something about the subject of modesty starting now.

KW: We do think it is discreditable to, so to speak, blow your own trumpet. I like doing it myself because I think, the world should know about talent, not hide it under a bushel. Though frankly, there aren’t that many of them about nowadays. You used to see a lot of them, in corn chandlers. In fact...

BUZZ

NP: Henry Kelly has challenged.

HK: What is he talking about? It's got nothing to do with modesty. Deviation!

NP: Absolutely, he's talking quite the reverse.

HK: Deviation run riot!

NP: Yes without the riot, but certainly he had deviated and he was blowing his trumpet, instead of being modest. Thirty-one seconds for you Henry on the subject of modesty starting now.

HK: Modesty ranked very high at school which I attended as a young boy. In fact when my father asked the Jesuit in charge of the school, what it was best at...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of school.

HK: Oh you rotter!

NP: Yes but as it's going to be the last round, and it won't make any difference to whether you win or not, Clement...

HK: Yeah!

NP: ... and we haven't heard very much from Henry for a while...

HK: Yeah!

NP: ... let's leave the subject with him and there are 23 seconds left starting now.

BUZZ

NP: And he's, Clement?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. So as I didn't...

HK: I...

NP: I didn't give the last challenge against him, I couldn't possibly give that one against him as well.

HK: I only hesitated because Kenneth Williams was kissing Clement Freud!

NP: I know! But you...

KW: You've no right to comment on that! Save that for the show!

HK: I'm sorry, I'm only, I'm only doing it for the first time.

NP: What do you mean "comment on it"? Everybody knows about it! I get letters about it!

KW: Yes I suppose that's true! But you see, I get worked up. You know what I mean?

NP: I know.

KW: And my emotions sort fo froth and bubble over.

NP: I know.

KW: And I've got to turn on the nearest person and pour that affection out!

NP: Yes.

KW: It's no good my holding it in!

BUZZ

HK: Deviation.

NP: Yes, I agree, another point to Henry. So Henry's now got three more points, and he's got 22 seconds to continue on the subject of modesty starting now.

HK: As I was saying when I was so strangely interrupted...

BUZZ

NP: Libby Purves has challenged.

LP: Repetition if he's going to say the same thing again.

NP: No, but that is not, he has to repeat the words, so that's another point to Henry Kelly. In the final round, he's creeping up on the others. Right Henry, 19 seconds, modesty starting now.

HK: The Jesuit replied to my father in reply to his question...

BUZZ

HK: Oh gosh, come on, be quicker!

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of father.

NP: Yes you had the father before I'm afraid. This time...

BUZZ

NP: Henry yes you challenged?

HK: Hesitation on his, his um challenge.

NP: Yes that's a very good, very good, very good Henry. But I'm glad you let the audience know you're on the ball and still with us. You've done very well, you've got about eight points in that round, no, not quite that. Clement you have 16 seconds on modesty starting now.

CF: I'm actually very sadly equipped to speak on the subject of modesty, being only a poor and untalented...

BUZZ

NP: Libby Purves has challenged.

LP: I think he hesitated after poor. Because he isn't, is he?

NP: No I wouldn't agree with anything he said, but...

CF: It was modest!

NP: What's it? Modest?

CF: Fool!

HK: I think that's a horrible thing to say to Nicholas.

NP: I know, but I'm used to it now! I do, I do crumble a bit under the stress and the...

LP: He did hesitate after poor though, didn't he?

NP: I did think so.

LP: I'm only a poor...

NP: Oh dear, you give me a very difficult decision because it's the last round, and if I give it to Clement, he wins, and if I give it to you, you win. And so um...

HK: How about giving it to me and see if I win?

NP: Right nine seconds for Henry Kelly on modesty starting now.

HK: So he said in reply to my father's question "yes..."

BUZZ

NP: Libby Purves has challenged you.

LP: His father came in again.

NP: Yes he did.

LP: And reply.

NP: So Libby you got in so you've got seven seconds on modesty starting now.

LP: Modesty would...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Don't be ridiculous!

LP: I was in there like a ferret!

NP: Mind you, I've nothing to lose, the last round and six seconds to go. But I'm afraid I disagree, modesty still with Libby, and there are five and a half seconds starting now.

LP: Modesty is an overrated virtue. On this programme it will get you nowhere at all unless...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Libby's apt words on Just A Minute brought this Just A Minute to a close. And I will now give you the final score. Henry Kelly coming for the very first time, which is tough when you've played the game before, you know. He did extraordinarily well, with a little encouragement from the chairman in one round. He did finish in fourth place, but only one point behind our regular over there Kenneth Williams, who was three points behind Clement Freud. But then that last flourish with her modest remarks brought her into the lead again and the winner this week, Libby Purves! Well we do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air and we play this delightful game. Until then, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.