JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,TRice
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and TIM RICE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 June 1984)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Tim Rice in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you�ve heard we have three of our regular players of the game, Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And we welcome back in the guest chair someone who has played it with great success before, that great wordsmith, that great lyricist, and I think a fine exponent player of Just A Minute, Tim Rice. And as usual I will ask them if they can speak for Just A Minute on a subject that I will give them, and hope that they will try and do that without hesitating, repeating themselves, or deviating from the subject. And according to how well they do that, they will gain or lose points. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, the opening subject is the opening shot. So will you tell us something about that subject in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: The opening shot in a film is all important to the actor. Because his characterisation must remain consistent throughout. So what he gives you in the opening shot, he must carry forward throughout the entire sequence. And Noel Coward on the set telling an actor to come on playing the part of a colonel, told him to be very military in bearing, and he didn't get what he wanted. So he eventually said "a little more Marshall and less Snellgrove". Which was rather witty. Then of course, that man for an opening shot always produced something pretty marvellous out of his tucker bag or repertoire. The Australians of course would use...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of of course.

NP: Oh you are mean, aren't you! It was so entertaining as well. But he did actually say of course before, so Clement it's a correct challenge, by the rules of the game, I give you a point and give you the subject, and tell you that there are 12 and a half seconds left on the opening shot starting now.

CF: The opening shot in a war usually accounts for someone who fights on one side or the other. It used to be done with a bow and arrow, then a gun, and now a machine ammunition...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of 60 seconds, Ian Messiter blows his whistle, and that tells us that the time is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And of course it was Clement Freud, and so at the end of that round he's the only one to have scored. Clement will you take the next round, the subject is getting locked in. I don't know whether you have any personal experience, but would you talk on the subject in the game starting now.

CF: I haven't had any locked-in for quite a long time. Pectin, shuctrose and dextrose I get a great deal of, although recently there has been an enormous shortage of sausage filling and other meats...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TIM RICE: Hesitation.

NP: Absolutely, I'm not surprised after the rubbish he was giving us! Tim you have the subject of getting locked in, there are 44 and a half seconds starting now.

TR: It is a true myriad of emotions that overcomes anybody in this ghastly situation. For a start there is nausea, then there is panic, then there is this desperate...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Three then there is's.

NP: Then there is. Ah Clement you have the subject, another point and 28 seconds, getting locked in starting now.

CF: There was a song which I remember from my youth, which went "oh dear, what can the matter be, three old ladies locked in a public convenience..."

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: I know he's pausing for riotous applause, but again there was hesitation. I mean he stopped dead.

NP: No no, he didn't stop dead. No I don't think the drama has reached such proportions that you could have called it a pause. I will give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion and let him continue with 17 seconds on getting locked in, Clement starting now.

CF: If Nicholas Parsons were not locked into this theatre, he would have got out and been replaced many years ago. But as it is, we go on and ever further upwards, with the same chairman, boring us away, giving amazing...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Well he was deviating because he was er being abusive about the chairman...

KW: Hear hear! Yes! Yes!

PJ: ... and um I don't think he should be abusive.

KW: Hear hear!

PJ: On the air, at any rate!

KW: Exactly!

PJ: I mean we all have our opinions about the chairman, but we must stifle them!

KW: Yes! Indeed!

NP: You think, you think that should be left to other people and not Clement, to be abusive?

PJ: Yes, I think, yes practically anybody really!

NP: Yes well actually, whatever, whoever challenged then after that abuse, I would have given it against Clement. But um actually I do agree quite seriously, he was deviating from the subject of getting locked in, and going on about the chairman. So Peter you've got in, and nice to hear from you, with four seconds on getting locked in starting now.

PJ: My wife was locked in the lavatory on the night that I was appearing in the West End in a play...

WHISTLE

PJ: Four seconds is not nearly enough for me to complete the story...

NP: No, did she ever see the play?

PJ: No, she wasn't trying to get to the play. The decorators left the knobs off the door, you see, they were painting the, and the spindle that goes through was missing. And she had to knock on the window and a policeman eventually arrived and released her. But much too late to er, I had to er rush home. Anyway it's rather a long story, you know I should have really been on some other programme altogether!

NP: Peter you were speaking when the whistle went then.

PJ: Oh really?

NP: So you got an extra point, and you're now in third place ahead of Kenneth Williams, one behind Tim Rice, and two behind our leader Clement Freud. And you also begin the next round. The subject is my undoing. We've heard about your wife's, but that is actually the next subject that has come up and there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

PJ: I'm not sure whether it means my zip fastener's buttons or whatever or whether it refers to my reputation, which has not er so far been ah undone...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: I think there was a bit of hesitation there.

NP: I think there was a lot of hesitation actually.

PJ: It's a mannerism really!

NP: I think you were generous to let him go as long as he did. But the hesitation was his undoing, and that is the subject, my undoing, and there are 47 seconds for you Tim starting now.

TR: When I was a young lad, I was tipped to be a future Einstein. But unfortunately I heard one day a gramophone record revolving at 78 revolutions per minute, by a young gentleman from Tupola, Mississippi, called Elvis Presley. And from that moment, all thought of serious study flew out the window, out of the er finesture...

BUZZ

NP: Finesture! He didn't know whether to say the French or the Spanish version of it. Ah but Kenneth got in with a challenge, what was it Kenneth?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Oh indeed it was but I have to hear it, just to know whether I agree or not.

TR: Was the projection all right, Mister Williams?

KW: Yes, not bad.

NP: Getting better, isn't it.

KW: Yes.

NP: Yes, 29 seconds are left for you Kenneth on my undoing starting now.

KW: My undoing occurred just outside Bombay at a place called Callyanne. I was on night guard outside the Armoury. And the other sentry said "do you fancy a fag? It does keep the mosquitoes away". Like a fool, I started to inhale, and from the shadows appeared a colonel. "Are you smoking on duty?" I said "oh" and was caught, you see, in mid-puff, so to speak. The other bloke...

WHISTLE

NP: The idea of Kenneth Williams being caught in mid-puff, I must say, is something to be treasured.

KW: It is true Nicholas, and the other bloke that had made me do it, for it was his fault that I had the fag, he swallowed his! And the officer said "are you smoking?" He said "no sir, no sir!" And stood there because he'd swallowed the whole thing! I mean you can do it, apparently if you do it quick, it doesn't actually hurt the larynx. But I'd have been frightened to death of putting a red-hot thing into my mouth!

NP: Yes!

CF: Jolly lucky it wasn't a pipe!

KW: Yes!

NP: But Kenneth you kept going till the whistle went, and you are now in the lead!

KW: Oh!

NP: And Kenneth you begin the next round, and the subject I'm sure is one that Ian Messiter I'm sure has chosen specially for you, sigillography. Can you tell us something about that rather unusual subject in the game starting now.

KW: Sigillography is the art of designing seals, the things that are often used in rings, sometimes called signets. The great seal of England...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Seal?

NP: He said seals and the great seal.

CF: Ah!

NP: One was plural, and the other one was singular.

CF: Very good!

KW: You should listen! You want to wash your ears out, you great fool! The nerve of people!

NP: So Kenneth you keep the subject and there are 45 seconds left starting now.

KW: I designed one myself, the Coat of Arms of my family it was to be. And I did a Welsh hen being goosed with a ball-point pen, and underneath "you come a waltzing Matilda with me". Which I thought traced the lineage so to speak rather cleverly, very amusing. But when I submitted it to the College Of Heraldry, they said "no, you've got to be a man of substance. Got a hundred pounds?" I said "I'm a bit short..."

BUZZ

KW: ... they said "well, try high heels!" And that...

NP: Tim Rice has challenged you.

TR: I think deviation.

NP: Why?

TR: Well he was getting right off whatever the subject was about.

NP: No, he was on to the College Of Heralds, his bizarre seal that he designed...

TR: No, he was talking about his frustrations at being a man of small stature.

NP: But this was within the College of Heralds, which has got to do with seals.

TR: Well...

PJ: And they advised him to get high heels!

NP: Yeah, that, that was deviation, I would have given it on that.

TR: And then he went on to deviate about high heels.

NP: Kenneth I don't think you were sufficiently deviated to, to have committed the error within the game. So you continue with 15 seconds on, I don't know whether it is sig-olograohy or sidge-olography.

KW: Sidgey.

NP: Sidgey, right. Siddy, oh I can't say it at all now! Will you say it for me?

KW: Sigillography.

NP: Sigillography yes and 15 seconds starting now.

KW: One of the great men in sigillography was of course Eric Gill, a brilliant and economical designer whose work can be seen in the very portals of the BBC. I know...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: BBC.

KW: We've had that! We've had that weeks and weeks ago, and it was already established then!

NP: Last time I gave that as a correct challenge and I've really got to be consistent. So I must give it again, give it...

KW: Well he won't have anything to offer on sigillography! He knows nothing about it! He's a nitwit! You know very well!

NP: He's only got two seconds in which to try...

KW: That's why he's done it!

NP: I know!

KW: You've fallen for it! You've fallen for it! He's the one on the programme that sits and insults you, says what a rotten chairman you are! And then you go and give it to him within two seconds! Talk about asking for it!

NP: Well I might be, it does illustrate that whatever people say, I do try and be fair within the game. And being fair and er I've got to say that Clement has a correct challenge, two seconds starting now.

CF: Sigillographers if you look them up in the Yellow Pages...

WHISTLE

NP: Well in spite of Clement Freud getting an extra point as the whistle went, Kenneth Williams is still in the lead, one ahead. And Tim Rice follows Clement Freud, and Peter Jones is one behind Tim. And Clement Freud begins the next round, the subject Clement, witticisms. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: In this world in which we live, one witticism per person is probably enough. In The Wallet Of Ky Lung, the author...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two ins. In the world in which we live in, in the book.

NP: And you complain...

KW: If they're going to be silly, you might as well play them at their own game, mightn't you! If they're going to be stupid like that!

NP: And Kenneth you complain about miserable challenges!

KW: You started it off, mate! If you want to...

NP: I started it? No-one has ever, in all the 17 years we've played this game, challenged on in before, unless when they've done it more often...

KW: Well into every life, a little rain must fall. You were obviously drenched!

NP: Well as the audience obviously enjoyed your challenge, I will give you a bonus point...

KW: No, I've got to get the subject! He said in twice, and you are not allowed to repeat! It is in the rules of the game!

NP: All right...

KW: Isn't it! Don't you agree!

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: There you are! They all agree!

NP: Well having whipped up all your audience that you already brought in with you into a state of neurotic frenzy so that they're going to be on your side whatever you say, and as it was a correct challenge. I hope you won't challenge on every repetition of in from now on, anybody. But we will give it to you on this occasion because it is correct and tell you that you have 52 seconds on witticisms starting now.

KW: There was a young girl of Connecticut,
Who signalled the train with her petticoat,
Which the people divined
As presence of mind
But a singular absence of etiquette.
Which is very witty! And of course it was composed by who? No less than that brilliant lyricist Ogden Nash. As a matter of fact, it was long a wish of mine that I would one day actually be in the presence of such a wit as him. And to that...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of wit.

NP: Ah yes, no less a wit than Ogden Nash...

KW: Oh yes he's right! Yes that's very sharp! Straight out of the knife box! Very good!

NP: So Peter you have witticisms and 23 seconds starting now.

PJ: One of the best I heard recently was about Noel Coward who was directing a film. And this actor wasn't quite as military as he wanted him to be. And he said "please, a little more Swann and less Edgar!"

BUZZ

NP: Ah Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Yes I think that really was a hesitation.

NP: I, I think I would be inclined to agree with you there Tim, yes, definitely yes.

PJ: I didn't think there was quite such a long time to go. I thought there was only a few seconds you see. How long is it?

NP: No, yes, no, there's four seconds to go.

PJ: Oh yes.

NP: But mind you, you paused for about three, so there was seven.

PJ: Well I think four seconds will be plenty of time for Tim to display wit.

CF: We're going to hear from everybody on this now.

NP: Yes I think you were waiting for your round on Swann and Edgar...

PJ: Oh no no, I know you wouldn't pay for a round if I stayed here all night!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh! I thought you said, you challenged him for being rude to me! And you said "nobody else was". Oh Peter, you've let us down! Four seconds for you Tim on witticisms starting now.

TR: One need not go further than the confines of this very studio to find the fantastic...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tim Rice was speaking as the whistle went, got the extra point. A very close contest this week. Tim Rice and Clement Freud equal, two points behind our leader, still Kenneth Williams. And two ahead of Peter Jones who also begins the next round. Peter the subject is unconventional sources of energy. There's quite a few in this room, particularly on the panel. And would you talk on this subject, for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

PJ: Well when I had small children, I always used to think that it would be a good idea to harness the tremendous amount of energy that they generated running up and down the stairs uselessly and screaming the place down. I tried to design...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: Repeat of down. He said running up and down the stairs, and screaming the place down. Two downs.

NP: Oh, I thought you said dine the second time.

TR: No I was doing a posh accent.

NP: Yes yes so he did say down.

TR: But there were two downs.

NP: Yes, there are 47 seconds for you now Tim on unconventional sources of energy starting now.

TR: One of the most unconventional sources of energy in this country and perhaps one of the most extraordinary we've ever seen...

BUZZ

NP: Um Peter Jones yes.

PJ: Repetition of one.

CF: Of the most.

NP: Of the most, the whole sentence, one of the most, yes.

TR: Ah, tough at the top!

NP: Well done Peter, 41 seconds on unconventional sources of energy starting now.

PJ: I designed a very pretty treadmill with pictures of Noddy on the side, and made it as pleasant as I could, played appropriate music. But I couldn't persuade these children to get on to it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of children.

NP: Yes you did say children when you were talking before. You referred to your children going up and down the stairs.

PJ: When I was talking before, quite right yes. I'm glad you remembered that! It might easily have slipped one's mind...

NP: What do you mean you're glad...

PJ: ... in the excitement of the show.

NP: You would rather I had forgotten it and then, and then er, you'd have got the point.

PJ: Well I would yes.

NP: But I'd have got a lot of letters.

PJ: But it wouldn't have made any difference. I'm too far behind. I don't think there's any hope at all, is there?

NP: What of?

PJ: Of me getting in the front three.

NP: Yes, you're only one point behind the others.

PJ: What?

NP: You're only two points behind the leader Kenneth, you got a lot of points in that round.

PJ: Really?

NP: You're doing well, keep it up!

PJ: Oh I will, I will, yes!

NP: Keep fighting, keep pitching as they say.

PJ: Yes I will. Thank you very much.

NP: Kenneth ah Clement, you have the subject after a correct challenge, and 26 seconds, unconventional sources of energy starting now.

CF: Chicken manure is one of the more unconventional sources of energy. And I believe...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I don't think it is, it's used all over the place! They make, they make gas out of it.

NP: I think that's...

PJ: What?

NP: I think that's a very good challenge.

PJ: Thanks very much.

NP: Yes. To a farmer, it is a very conventional source of energy.

PJ: Absolutely! Run-of-the-mill stuff!

NP: Not unconventional at all. Well done. Twenty-one seconds for you on the subject starting... (starts to laugh)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I haven't said now, another point to Peter Jones. Peter the subject is still with you, 21 seconds starting now.

PJ: I like the idea of trying to harness the tide so that...

BUZZ

NP: So Peter, Tim Rice challenged.

TR: That's the second time Peter's said harness.

NP: Yes you did harness in the first time you were talking about it.

PJ: That's ages ago!

NP: I know it was! I have to remember these things! You talked about trying to harness the energy of your young children. You were challenged by children with Clement, and you got in the harness...

PJ: What are we still on that old subject for?

NP: So Tim's got in there with 17 seconds on unconventional sources of energy starting now.

TR: This is a subject about which I have not an awful lot to say, so I'm just going to hesitate...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well he don't want it, he says he's going to hesitate, so he don't want the subject.

NP: So, so ah...

KW: He's deviating from discussing it!

TR: I was just about to launch...

KW: You don't know anything about it, so you were going to hesitate! That's what he said! So you don't want the subject obviously!

NP: But he can establish that he doesn't know much about it...

KW: No he said "I'm going to hesitate"!

TR: But I hadn't!

NP: He hadn't actually hesitated!

TR: I hadn't as yet! And I wasn't going to hesitate either. I was going to hesitate in my mind before I actually said something I didn't understand.

NP: He hasn't...

TR: Unfinished sentence.

NP: ... strictly speaking deviated from the subject on the card so he still has it. Tim you continue with 13 seconds on the subject starting now.

TR: I fully concur with the wise decision made earlier in this programme that chicken manure is not really an unconventional...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well that's deviating, and it's repetition because he's just repeating what I was saying.

NP: That is...

PJ: We don't want to hear that he thoroughly agrees with what some other people are saying.

NP: That is the most devious challenge I've ever heard!

TR: I think...

PJ: You think that's devious?

TR: I think that...

PJ: You think that's a devious challenge?

NP: Yes because he's still sticking to the subject...

TR: Yes!

NP: ... which is on the card!

PJ: He's just saying that he agrees with what the previous speaker said!

TR: It was a pre...

NP: But it was still on the subject of unconventional sources of energy.

PJ: Well what a pathetic lack of invention!

NP: It was almost as bad as yours about that Noel Coward and the opening shot, wasn't it!

PJ: No that was a comment!

NP: There are seven seconds for Tim Rice on the subject starting now.

TR: I would far rather discuss the extremely unconventional source of energy that can be obtained from the droppings of gerbils...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Clement, Clement you challenged, you challenged just a fifth of a second before he got there.

CF: Repetition of droppings.

TR: I, I never said droppings. When did I say droppings?

NP: Well as I didn't hear a word as Kenneth was acting up at him, and the audience were laughing, I don't know whether he did say droppings.

PJ: I think Kenneth has given up listening, because the battery on his hearing aid has dropped off! So he can't hear anything!

NP: I will put this to the judgement of our audience who probably can hear better when these are gone. Did you hear him say droppings twice?

SHOUTS OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: I heard it! I heard it definitely! I thought he said it three times as a matter of fact!

NP: Somebody's dropped something over there! There's no doubt about that! One fifth of a second with you Tim starting now.

TR: Hello there!

WHISTLE

NP: No! Ah so Tim Rice was speaking as the whistle went, got an extra point, and he's now got 11 points, he's three ahead of Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones who are all equal on eight. And Tim it's your turn to begin, unblocking the kitchen sink is the subject and can you talk on it in the game starting now.

TR: The other day I walked into the kitchen to find with horror, abject despair, to find that the sink was blocked with chicken manure. Or droppings. This is extremely hard to get out of the sink. And what you have to do is to call up that firm that advertise on the underground, which has a long plug thing with a plunger on the end. And you get this little man to come round with his van, with his...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PJ: I don't believe for a minute that his sink was blocked by chicken droppings.

TR: We have a lot of chickens at home, mate!

PJ: Well I know, but you don't keep them in the kitchen! If you do ah, it's probably against the...

NP: Very devious as well.

PJ: What?

NP: Very devious to keep them in there.

PJ: It's cruelty to animals apart from anything else!

NP: I don't believe he has chickens in the kitchen, and I don't believe that's what blocked his drain. So Peter you have 40 seconds on the subject starting now.

PJ: Spirits of salts can actually unblock it if it's full of fat and grease, things of that kind. On the other hand, a kind of plunger thing with rubber...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: A brace of kinds.

NP: Yes you did say kind, another kind.

PJ: Yes let's not waste time, get on with the next one!

NP: Yes, 30 seconds...

PJ: I don't want to argue about it! I freely admit I did repeat kind and I want you to accept that! You know...

NP: You have no alternative!

PJ: ... we don't need these eternal arguments, do we?

NP: All this magnanimous attitude, just admit you have no alternative, I'm afraid. Tim has the subject back, 30 seconds starting now.

TR: It's very important to have clean hands when you tackle this extremely complex and dangerous task...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: It isn't!

NP: It isn't, I quite agree. It's... your hands can be as filthy as you want before you unblock the sink. So Clement...

TR: I hope somebody...

NP: ... you have 25 seconds starting now.

CF: The only thing that is really important is to have a blocked-up sink, otherwise you are pretty foolish going about unblocking it. There are a number of things that you can do, one of them being to look at the Yellow Pages, or in other telephone directories and phone someone specifically able, or capable, or even expert at discharging that particular job. Spirit of salt is not a bad idea, a plunger...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud kept going till the whistle went. He's now in second place ahead of Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams in that order, but still a little behind our leader Tim Rice. Kenneth will you take the next subject, it is ESP. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: This is past fashion for initials, that's for any subject you know. And ESP stands for extra sensory...

BUZZ

NP: Tim challenged.

TR: There was hesitation there, don't you think?

NP: No no no, he was just doing one of his Kenneth Williams vocal...

TR: Bad projection?

NP: Bad projection vocal conundrums? What is the word? Confabulations is the word I was searching for. Fifty-two seconds, still with you Kenneth on ESP starting now.

KW: And the assumption is that you can actually get messages to other people, with no visible means of transmitting the aforementioned thing. But of course I have grave doubts about this. I don't think when they say thought transference occurred that it's true. I'd have to be assured that there was no code being used, you see, so that other...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of you.

NP: Yes you did repeat the word you. So Peter has the subject and 19 seconds on ESP starting now.

PJ: It's quite obvious that there's absolutely nothing in this extra sensory perception. And the ability that some people claim to have to transfer their thoughts to others. If it were, then there would be no telephone. No-one would go on paying this British Telecom...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. And that delightful thought of his brings the show to an end this week. Kenneth was in fourth place alas, but only one point behind Clement Freud, who was only one point behind Peter Jones, who was only two points behind our winner. So you might say it was almost a draw, but not guest. And our guest came to triumph, and our winner this week, Tim Rice! We do hope that you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, we hope our studio audience has enjoyed it. And you will want to tune in again next week when we take to the air and we play this delightful and ridiculous but highly enjoyable game. Good-bye! Thank you very much!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.