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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, GYLES BRANDRETH and BARRY CRYER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 26 November 1983)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Gyles Brandreth and Barry Cryer in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Oh oh thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome again to Just A Minute. And this week as you heard we have those two guests who did so well when they came together last time, Barry Cryer and Gyles Brandreth. And they've come back to pit their wits, their brains and their verbal ingenuity against our two regulars, Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud. Once again I'm going to ask them to speak if they can, on the subject that I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from that subject. Let us begin the show this week with Gyles Brandreth. Gyles, the subject is a bad joke. That leaves plenty of scope! And there are 60 seconds as usual starting now. GYLES BRANDRETH: Coming here today a bad joke occurred to me. I arrived at the Underground Station, there was this enormous sign that said "dogs must be carried on the escalator" and it took me 40 minutes to find one! Because I was not travelling during peak hour. I heard a bad joke from a most unlikely quarter the other day, when the Archbishop of Canterbury got up in his cathedral pulpit and said "hold on chaps, we have been through far worse before. Remember that great and good man Noah who managed to float a limited company when the rest of the world was going into liquidation!" Now this sort of bad joke is not what we expect from soft-lips Runcie. We expect something a little more spiritual and uplifting. I don't know whether bad jokes are good for the soul or not, but I think that when you get clergymen doing this it is a disgrace. My great-grandfather, you know, was a Bow Street runner. And my great-grandfather of course was a Bond Street walker. Now this strange duality of the pair of them was quite unwholesome and unhealthy. The trouble was... BUZZ NP: Ah Barry Cryer has challenged. BARRY CRYER: Did I imagine it or was it repetition of great-grandfather? NP: It was repetition and I'm surprised no-one picked him up quicker. GB: I'm sorry, my great-grandparents were funny that way! Hence the bad joke. NP: So Barry got a correct challenge, he gets a point for that and there are six seconds for you to talk about bad jokes Barry starting now. BC: My favourite bad joke concerns a turtle and a gypsy woman. Down the road came a... WHISTLE NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was Barry Cryer and at the end of the first round in this particular show Barry is the only one to have scored any points. Barry would you like to take the next round. The subject is kites. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. BC: Kites are birds of prey of the hawk family. Alternatively kites are... BUZZ BC: No, you can say it! NP: You can repeat the word on the card. GB: It was hesitation. NP: But Gyles has challenged you. BC: The interruption was hesitation, not repetition. NP: Yes. BC: Oh fair enough. NP: But you can repeat the word on the card, Barry. I know you haven�t played the game for a long time but... BC: I know. NP: Gyles actually got you for hesitation which is correct. So Gyles another point to you and you take over the subject with 53 seconds on kites starting now. GB: I flew my kite most recently on a trip to Northern Ireland where I had gone to get away from it all. Indeed I had actually gone there to finish my... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer. BC: Gone, gone. NP: Yes you'd gone too far. You repeated yourself. There are 46 seconds for you Barry on kites starting now. BC: The, the word is also applicable in the colloquial sense to aeroplanes being used in that idiomatic connotation to describe the vessels in which... (starts to laugh) BUZZ NP: Gyles you challenged. GB: Well I'm... BC: Not hesitation, surely? GB: This is in my, my capacity as the Mother Teresa of this entertainment. I�m doing things sort of to help you out... BC: Sister Teresa! NP: Can I ask something? Are you two going to play the rest of the game all by yourselves? BC: No we're just going to announce our engagement and leave! GB: We're just waiting for Clement and Kenneth to arrive! NP: Yes that's right! LAUGHTER FROM NP, BC AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Gyles, 35 seconds on kites starting now. GB: The reason I was actually... NP: Ah Clement has arrived. Yes what is it? CLEMENT FREUD: Just I've arrived! LAUGHTER FROM NP, BC AND THE AUDIENCE NP: So we won't charge for that. Thirty-three seconds on kites with you Gyles starting now. GB: In fact I was in that part of our beautiful principality because I was there to finish my novel being a very very slow reader. And it was all about a man with a kite... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Oh everything! Repetition of very, and Northern Ireland is not our principality. NP: Very very slow reader I'm afraid. So Clement you have the subject of kites and there are 25 seconds starting now. CF: In industry a kite is something you float. Like when you say "shall we run this up the flagpole, and see who will salute?" A sort of exploratory, industrial... BUZZ NP: Gyles. GB: The train has arrived very late indeed! CF: That's not a challenge. NP: No! GB: There were several hesitations. NP: Yes yes as we were waiting for it to run it up the flagpole and right, there was hesitation. Kites is back with you Gyles, 14 seconds starting now. GB: The kite is the most vicious of all the birds of prey. One sees it swooping and swirling over northern Wales. And when one sees it there, one is appalled because it may well descend and eat ones... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: One sees it twice. NP: One sees it, you had sees again, yes. Four seconds Clement, kites starting now. CF: I think one of the most splendid developments in the kite is that you can now steer them... WHISTLE NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went, gained that extra point. At the end of that round, he and Barry Cryer and Gyles Brandreth all have three points. Kenneth Williams doesn't have any, and Clement Freud begins the next round. In fact we haven't yet heard from Kenneth which is very unusual. But we'll make up for it later, I have no doubt. Clement the subject is happiness. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. CF: Happiness is not hearing from Kenneth Williams! BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well deviation! NP: Absolutely! KW: An absolute disgrace! Incidentally I've arrived! LAUGHTER FROM BC AND THE AUDIENCE NP: And happiness now reigns throughout the audience. I would agree, happiness is when we do appear from Kenneth Williams. So Kenneth you have the subject and there are 52 seconds, 57 seconds starting now. KW: Happiness can be a puppy or a little kitten or sometimes people... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer challenged. BC: Repetition of or. NP: You had three ors very rapidly there, yes. BC: A surfeit of ors! NP: Fifty-two seconds for you Barry on happiness starting now. BC: Happiness is rhubarb and custard with the judicious introduction of mandarin oranges, plunging, sinking to the bottom of the bowl inviting the tongue and the palate the taste buds to savour therein the spoons... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Seven thes! LAUGHTER FROM BC AND THE AUDIENCE BC: I'll have my thes and you have your ors! NP: That's right. So hoisted on your own petard Barry. BC: True! NP: If you're going to travel, challenge on those little words, Kenneth gets back. BC: Very true. NP: And 37 seconds for happiness Kenneth starting now. KW: A lady once said to me "I'm so happy when I see that wonderful canvas, Sunset Over Goodleming. The golden spring brings back to me such cherished and lucid memories of days of yore when I was a young girl, running through the dewy grass, and people ran through my hair barefoot..." BUZZ BC: Through. NP: Yeah ran through. Ah Clem, ah Barry you have 12 seconds on happiness starting now. BC: Or in addition, Blackpool... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Another or! NP: No, but he didn't have ors before, it was Kenneth who had the ors. CF: (laughs) Oh was it? BC: This is mine. NP: It is his own personal or. There are 10 seconds on happiness still with you Barry starting now. BC: A stick of Blackpool rock, written thereon all the way through the name of the resort, etiolating to the... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes I think so. BC: Pardon? NP: Hesitation! BC: No, that was, that was a meaningful pause. NP: Well the way you were delivering there wasn't a great deal of meaning to your style at that particular moment. BC: That's very hurtful! NP: I know but we are like that in Just A Minute. BC: Very hurtful! I mean... NP: You know, we try to needle them to get them going and... BC: (in tears) It's all right! Carry on! NP: Barry um... CF: Clement! NP: Clement's got in with two seconds to go... BC: Oh! NP: ... on happiness starting now. CF: Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs... WHISTLE NP: So in spite of Clement getting the point for speaking as the whistle went, Barry Cryer is still out in the lead, one ahead of him. Kenneth your turn to begin and the subject Clytie. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. KW: I can tell you something about Clytie indeed. Because she was one of the daughters of Ahamos, the King of Babylon. And according to Greek mythology, she was loved by Helios, the god of light. Now then he fancied her sister which caused her considerable anguish and anger. So she went to her dad and told him what was going on, whereupon the monarch had this poor girl buried alive. And even the god of light failed to get enough... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of god. NP: Yes you mentioned the god before. God Helios before and now you've got the god of light. So I'm sorry, it's repetition Kenneth, and Clement's got in with six and a half minutes to go on Clytie... BC: Six and a half minutes? Is this the Chinese version? NP: It's the one to confuse them in Peking, yes. Clement you got in with six and a half seconds to go on Clytie starting now. CF: And so it came to pass that on the first day of spring, Clytie went to her master, prostrated herself on the marble floor... BUZZ WHISTLE NP: Kenneth, Kenneth challenged just before the whistle. KW: Yes she didn't, she didn't prostrate herself on the first day of spring at all. In fact it was the very very very other season that she prostrated herself. NP: Yes but how do we know that Clement wasn't talking about another Clytie? KW: No, he doesn't know anything about her at all! He's just filling in! NP: Oh let's be generous and give it to Kenneth... KW: No, we're not being generous! I know about Clytie and I want to discuss it! NP: Clement might have been talking about another Clytie. How am I to know what Clytie he was talking about? In the game he can talk about any Clytie he knows. KW: You can't because you see, the whole point about it if you really know about Clytie, is to say that she was turned into the bush which is today heliotrope... NP: No, if the subject was Clytie from Greek mythology... KW: No, to say that she is heliotrope. That's the whole point of it. NP: I'm going to point it to this audience, I'm not going to have this argument. If you agree with Kenneth, in other words, there's only one that Clytie that we're talking about. But if it could be any Clytie in which case you agree with Clement, let us all either cheer for Kenneth and boo for Clement, and all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You're prejudiced and biased aren't you! Kenneth they're on your side so you take over the subject with half a second to go starting now. KW: Yes the poor girl became... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth... KW: I wasn't able to embroider! I should have been able to say that as the result of her anguish, she actually took root in the ground. That's the point of it, you see. NP: Yes and then what happened? KW: I wanted to make, you know, drive home to this audience... BC: Fair enough. KW: ... because in that Greek mythological, mythological um sense, the whole point about someone like um Clytie is that she's comparable to Echo. Because Echo loves, what do you call it, Narcissus so much that she refuses to eat too. And she wastes away until only the voice is left wailing. And when her own voice comes back to you disembodied, you still say today "oh that's an echo". And that's why it's so very beautiful. That's why it's marvellous about Clytie being heliotrope now today when you see it. You can know it then that this is the girl... NP: So all the heliotrope sticking up in the gardens is all from this Clytie? KW: That's right, that's the anguish, that's all there in Benis. NP: Kenneth you were speaking as the whistle went quite some time ago. And you got an extra point for that, you're in third place. Clement's in the lead, one ahead of Barry Cryer and Gyles is just behind you. And Gyles your turn to begin. The subject Gyles is burglars. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. GB: I've met quite a few burglars in my time and I'm not speaking of the people from the Customs and Excise. I'm referring to actual legitimate criminals. Some years ago I was visiting Bristol Prison, just passing through I assure you. When I saw a couple of burglars, felons, playing scrabble. And I thought how curious it is that those entertained at the Queen's pleasure should play the game that is in fact the favourite entertainment of the Monarch herself. I met a burglar once who was pigeon-toed, which means that he was half a bird and half a toad. This made it very difficult for him to conduct his particular kind of robbery because he was a cat-burglar which meant that he would actually climb up on to rooves and in a feline way troop about trying to get into windows, looking through the doors. And then he would pounce on to the bed and look under it because there he was a chamber pot burglar! This is what obsessed him! He went all over the world... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation, how can he be, one minute, a cat-burglar with his pigeon toed and then, then suddenly he turns into a chamber pot burglar? I've never heard of such rubbish! GB: He wanted to grow cats in chamber pots so that one day they would inspire the world by being weeping pussies or weeping willows! NP: I think you're talking now of... BC: Nurse! He's out of bed again! NP: You had established... I agree with Kenneth's challenge. There are six seconds for burglars with you Kenneth starting now. KW: It happened to me! And they pinched my old underpants which would have fetched a fortune in Sotherby's! And I was absolutely mortified... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth Williams has got some more points. He's moved ahead, he's equal with Barry Cryer in second place, one point behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. It's a low scoring game. Gyles Brandreth is only two points behind our leader. Barry begins the next round and the subject, rude rhymes. Barry will you tell us something about those in the game starting now. BC: "You're an idiot, sir," said the girl to the chap One evening as they walked along, "You tell me that love is a pain in the neck? In that case, you're doing it wrong!" This is... LOUD LONG LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Keep going! Keep going! BUZZ NP: Gyles challenged. BC: I would never talk through applause, as a professional. As a professional artiste, you know that Gyles. GB: He gave them an interminable... NP: You can, you can talk... BC: Well it needed it, I wouldn't talk through these kind people applauding. GB: It was a seated ovation and you hoped if you waited long enough, they'd get up! BC: Well! GB: You waited so long, some of them did get up and have now left! BC: Some of them lost the will to live during that! Is that counted as hesitation? NP: Yes it is but I'm not going to allow it, because we want to hear some more rude rhymes from you. We're going to give you the benefit of the doubt, no points scored, 45 seconds left starting now. BC: Ah... BUZZ NP: Kenneth has got it. KW: Well he seems to have hesitated. NP: He does seem to have hesitated. BC: I thought somebody was going to clap, you see. NP: The gamut of his repertoire is one rude rhyme! Kenneth... BC: Apparently! NP: Yes! There are 44 seconds on rude rhymes with you Kenneth starting now. KW: There was a young lady of Ryde Who ate some fruit and then died The apple fermented Inside the lamented And made cider inside her inside! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud, yes? CF: Repetition of inside. NP: Yeah, one was inside, inside her inside. CF: That's right. NP: Inside, inside yes. CF: Well done! NP: There were two insides yes. CF: Well done! Good! NP: I mean if they had an intellectual plying, as the chairman, you would never get anywhere would you? Um... Kenneth what are you doing to Clement Freud at this particular moment? So Clement you have 37 seconds for rude rhymes... LOUD LAUGHTER FROM BC AND THE AUDIENCE NP: I must tell the listeners that Kenneth is hiding behind Clement Freud which is a very strange position I regard them both. And it disturbed me very much. Thirty-seven seconds Clement, rude rhymes starting now. CF: The ideal rude rhyme for 37 seconds would consist of 35 of these being taken up by verbiage which was totally clean and proper, where after, just as the whistle was about to blow, some filthy epithet would tumble from one's lips. There was a young woman from Uppingham... BUZZ LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Gyles you challenged. GB: Yes indeed, well with an election in the offing... LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE KW: They don't know, I mean that wouldn't mean anything in China, would it? NP: I know but... KW: What would that mean, an election? What would they make of that? NP: Well Gyles has... KW: (in Chinese accent) What's this about an election? What election? What election? BC: Politicians... NP: We're back in China again! BC: Politicians stand there like anywhere else. KW: Yes! And Nicholas Parsons keeps getting letters from China all the time, doesn't he? NP: I know! KW: (in Chinese accent) Ah I'm writing this letter to you from Shanghai. NP: Yes they have elections every... every so often, don't they? And um I think Gyles actually challenged because he was um... why did you challenge? GB: That was hesitation. BC: None of us remember! GB: It was hesitation. NP: Oh no, it wasn't. He was trying to time it... GB: He acknowledges it was! CF: Yes! Yes! NP: Oh no, if you're going to start and time something, I mean I thought... GB: No, no, no! It's a perfectly legitimate challenge. NP: Timing is the essence of politics... GB: No, no, no... NP: ... and he was trying to spin out this rude rhyme so he wouldn't be able to get out the payoff before... GB: With a 20 second pause between lines? No! NP: Well I'm going to see if he can do it. So Clement you still have the... GB: Oh this is monstrous! Can I appeal to the audience please? BC: Resign! Resign! NP: Clement you still have rude rhymes, 13 seconds starting now. CF: Young people who frequent picture palaces Have no use for psychoanalysis And although Doctor Freud Is distinctly annoyed They cling to their long-standing phalluses! WHISTLE LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, BC AND THE AUDIENCE NP: So Clement you really deserved the point for speaking as the whistle went, and getting out the payoff right on, on the button there as you might say. And you have now taken the lead, ahead of Kenneth Williams, but not many points separate all three who are trailing behind you. Clement your turn to begin, the subject, I know, it's all getting out of hand really isn't it. The subject now I think is marvellous for things getting out of hand. Spoon bending, that's the next subject. GROAN FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: It's not as bad as all that. You have 60 seconds as usual starting now. CF: Spoon bending is very friendly and ideally you do it from a very great distance, like two ends of the universe. Or one part of the ether from the other. Uri somebody used to do it on the radio which was terribly difficult because there was no way of... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: Yes I think so too Kenneth. CF: Really? NP: Forty-two seconds on spoon bending with you starting now. KW: It is an extraordinary phenomena because I watched... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer challenged. BC: Phenomenon, isn't it. NP: Phenomenon yes. CF: One phenomenon, two phenomena. KW: No I've seen it done several times. What are you talking about? NP: Yes it's still, it is singular. KW: What's the matter? We're not here to speak grammatically correctly. NP: Well I know... KW: It doesn't matter how you speak as long as you speak for 60 seconds, so shut your row! It's nit picking! Just silly, it's nit picking! It's just ridiculous! Let's get on! NP: Well I'm inclined to agree with you because if we had you up for grammatical errors all through, we'd never get... KW: Yes! They'd all be in the cart, wouldn't they, then! Yes! Yes! Well! NP: And as we've already established a few weeks ago that the people in China only listen to hear the good English, I think we should... we're going to let you have the benefit of the doubt... KW: I'll be going yellow before this... NP: Thirty-eight seconds, spoon bending Kenneth, starting now. KW: I watched it done on the television. And they got this fellow from the University, a real professor, no messing about, to give his opinion. And he said "it's beyond me! It defies logical analysis! There is the metal actually bending in front of my eyes! And no heat apparently has been applied!" Well, the fellow doing it, this fellow called Geller... BUZZ NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of fellow. NP: There were two fellows I'm afraid, in rapid succession Kenneth. So five and a half seconds, spoon bending Clement starting now. CF: While spoon bending, what is this phenomenon that we have, is really terrific in that because where... WHISTLE NP: Well Clement got in before the whistle, kept it till the whistle, gained an extra point, increased his lead. And Kenneth Williams, who is just behind him in second place, is going to take the next round. And the subject Kenneth is what makes me come over all unnecessary. BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: That's ungrammatical too. NP: Mmmm. Absolutely. KW: The whole point of the question is, you great fool, it's a colloquialism! You might as well say "Bob's your uncle" is ridiculous, because it doesn't mean okay at all. Unless you've got an uncle called Bob and nobody has. So when they say "well you're all right, Bob's your uncle", it means that everything's fine. That's what it means, it's colloquial, you great fool! You great nana! NP: Kenneth... BUZZ BC: Repetition of fool! NP: Right let's get back to the game. Kenneth the subject is what makes me come over all unnecessary, 60 seconds starting now. KW: Undoubtedly it is something which produced an emotional effect, and then I find myself covered in embarrassment and I do come over all unnecessary. I don't like people seeing me in this ignoble condition, because after all, we want, don't we, our dignity. And what do we, any of us, live for, but our illusions of what we are to others... BUZZ NP: Barry Cryer challenged. BC: Deviation from the subject, we still haven't found out what makes Kenneth come over all unnecessary. I mean he's describing his unnecessary state. NP: Yes. BC: And the manifestations of the same, but not what... NP: You were talking about your illusions. BC: Not what causes it! NP: Not what makes me, but you were talking about your illusions and so forth. So Barry I agree with you and you have 33 seconds on what makes me come over all unnecessary starting now. BC: What makes me come over all unnecessary, ie. embarrassed, is the confrontation with Kenneth, the mater of wordplay, the silver tongue of this programme. And I am guilty of a verbal colloquialism, that is inaccurate, inept, maladroit and has no place in the general tenor of my... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: I don't like this boasting! LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Oh what a good challenge! Give him a bonus point! And as Barry wasn't deviating from the subject, he continues with what makes me come over all unnecessary. It's the last round, there are 14 seconds left starting now. BC: The confrontation causes my hair to go crimson, the hair to prickle on the back of my neck. Because I am embarrassed, at a loss, and unable to glean which way to take... BUZZ NP: Gyles Brandreth has challenged. GB: Embarrassed, we had it before. NP: Yes you did have embarrassed before. BC: Yes. NP: When you were speaking before, that's right. Yes. BC: I remember. NP: So Gyles has got in with only two seconds to go, what makes me come over all unnecessary Gyles starting now. GB: Mary had a little lamb, the doctors were surprised... WHISTLE NP: Well as I said this was going to be the last round. Let me tell you that in the final analysis of this game, Gyles Brandreth finished up in fourth place, just behind Barry Cryer, who was only one point behind Kenneth Williams, who was a few points behind this week�s winner, Clement Freud! And we do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, enjoyed listening to it as much as we've enjoyed playing it. And will be tuning in again when Just A Minute once more takes to the air and we all play this delightful game. Till then from all of us here, good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin. |
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