JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,VWood
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and VICTORIA WOOD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 12 November 1983)

NOTE: Victoria Wood's last appearance, although clips of her are heard on the 1992 compilation Silver Minutes.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Victoria Wood in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And this week as youíve just heard, we have three of our regular players of the game, and we welcome back Victoria Wood once more to do battle in Just A Minute. Weíre going to begin the show with Peter Jones, but before I do that, let me remind you that Iím going to ask them to speak if they can on the subject that I give them, and try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Peter, fun on the trampoline is the first subject. Weíd like you to take it because we think it suits you extraordinarily well. As usual there are 60 seconds and you begin now.

PETER JONES: Well I used to think that the most fun I ever had was on a water bed. But then Iíd never been on a trampoline. And Iím here to tell you that it is one of the most sensational experiences that you can have. Bouncing up and down on this canvas thing with the springs around it, and holding on occasionally to one of the posts at the corner. And going round it, making a sort of loop-the-loop effect...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of loop, Iím afraid.

NP: Loop-the-loop.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Yes.

NP: What a pity! But Clement Freud you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that of course, and you take over the subject of fun on the trampoline, and there are 34 seconds left starting now.

CF: Fun on a trampoline is not illegal among consenting adults on designated days of the year. And I wonít have anyone saying that it is. Because for sheer harmless pleasure, there is nothing like it. I had a friend called Sebastian Wickerstaff whose trampoline manners were a joy to behold. Up he went, then down, sideways, lengthways. And then along came someone quite different. ďWould you like my trampoline?Ē he said. ďJust a small go at it, say 25 minutes...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: A fine example of how you can talk absolute rubbish for 30 seconds in Just A Minute, and still keep going and not be guilty of the crimes within the game. Clement Freud gained a point for speaking as the whistle went which tells us that 60 seconds is up.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The laughter is because Kenneth Williams is adjusting his golden locks. And at the end of the first round, Clement Freud is the only one to score. Clement will you begin the second round, because weíve got this subject for you, itís bathing the dog. And we thought it was really up your street. So would you tell us something about it in the game starting now.

CF: Bathing the dog should only be attempted if the end product you have in mind is either a clean dog, a wet dog, or a dead dog. And for the latter I suggest that you hold him down for not less than three minutes...

BUZZ

NP: Victoria Wood challenged.

VICTORIA WOOD: Deviation, telling how to kill dogs, not bath them.

PJ: Quite right!

NP: I think he established that the dog was dead. But I think itís very devious to bath a dead dog. So on that basis I will give it to you Victoria, and tell you that you have 44 seconds on bathing the dog starting now.

VW: The way to do it is to buy a dog, and wait for it to get dirty, and then bath it. And the thing to do next is to tie it up to the hall stand, or lock it in the kitchen while you prepare the running hot and cold water, which you are going to pour into a receptacle such as a washing up bowl or a sink, or just a hole in the floor, depending on what you want to do. Grab the dog, push him into the water, get your cake of soap...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Or her!

VW: A what? Or her what?

CF: Push him or her.

VW: Are you writing my script?

NP: What about it?

CF: I thought sheíd like another point!

NP: There are 20 seconds left for you to continue on bathing the dog Victoria, starting now.

VW: Hole...

BUZZ

VW: I was...

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well I donít know whether this challenge is exciting enough...

VW: Itís not!

PJ: But itís hesitation.

VW: Yes.

NP: Yes this time you really didnít get going.

VW: Yes, I give in, I give in.

NP: But you definitely paused.

VW: Yes.

NP: Peter Jones you have the subject of bathing the dog and there are 19 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Get in the bath with the dog, take all your clothes off, and this will allay the dogís fears, it will put it at its ease...

NP: Itíll frighten the life out of it!

PJ: And you will end up as clean as the dog, provided you have plenty of soap suds and warm water. Then get near the hand...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones got that all-important extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And at the end of that round heís in a strong lead, with twice as many points as Victoria Wood and Clement Freud. And ah Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, the subject, duelling. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well these gentlemen got together to settle their differences, you see, with swords. And the idea was that honour had been impugned and they could only be satisfied by physically indulging in this rapier or horsemanship or whatever you like to call it. No itís not horseman although you could...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of horseman.

KW: Well one often did do it on horses actually.

NP: Yes.

KW: They did it, and when they said ďwalk backwardsĒ, the horse had to walk backwards instead of the man, you see. Thatís the whole point of it.

NP: And the men stayed still, did they?

KW: Thatís right. (laughs) Oh brilliant! I donít know why I said all of this! It was weird!

NP: Yes I think you were thinking of jousting, werenít you anyway. There are 36 seconds on duelling with you Clement starting now.

CF: Duelling is something you should never try to do on your own, because it has fatal consequences. Two people at the very least are required, though sometimes they have seconds or servants, who hold their swords, rapiers or...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: He said ďsometimes they have secondsĒ, implying that they are actually doing it today and nobody is doing it today, so itís deviation.

NP: No, when they do it, sometimes they...

KW: Nobody does it today! Itís against the law, you great fool! Heís an idiot, isnít he! Heís an idiot!

NP: He didnít establish...

KW: Heís a fool!

NP: Kenneth! He didnít establish that they were still doing it. He just said that when they do it. I donít think he was deviating from the subject. Clement you continue with 22 seconds on duelling starting now.

CF: Dawn was always considered a good time of day for this pastime. Because few people were around and no-one was about to alert the police. Because for many years now this has been a totally illegal practice, becoming ever more so as time went on and the nation became increasingly educated as to the harmful nature...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud gained a lot of points on that round and has taken the lead, ahead of Peter Jones. And Victoria Wood, will you begin the next round. The subject is wickedness I enjoy. Can you reveal something about yourself in Just A Minute as you take that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

VW: I canít enjoy things that are very wicked, because they make me feel guilty. But one tiny practice I do have which makes me feel not particularly bad and it is a little tiny bit wicked. I think Iíve said so many words twice, nobody seems to listen. I think Iíll just carry on talking. One thing is to spend lots of money on things that I donít really need, like leg warmers and bars of chocolate. And to eat them or wear those things in private. I should stop because I canít think of anything else to say.

BUZZ

NP: And Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, Iím sure she could think of a lot of things to say!

NP: Actually the idea of her wearing a bar of chocolate was what fascinated me! And eating a leg warmer! Kenneth you have 32 seconds on wickedness I enjoy starting now.

KW: Yes! Iíll tell you what it is! Itís putting down a load of bores! Dreary old... er...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

KW: I was thinking you see, of a rude word! That was the point. I couldnít actually say it!

NP: You were actually going to repeat it, I find that they...

KW: Who challenged me Nick?

NP: Peter Jones.

KW: Oh! Mmmm!

NP: Peter weíre going to hear from you on this subject now. There are 25 seconds left, wickedness I enjoy.

PJ: Well real wickedness I enjoy at one remove. When itís personified by someone like Sidney Greenstreet or Peter Lawry or one of those real old fashioned villains in films which were thrillers or detective stories, sometimes. And they would be playing the part of criminals who were up to the most vicious and unpleasant tricks, and were in the end of course caught and punished...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones kept going on the subject until the whistle went. He gained an extra point for that and has gone back into the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud. And er the subject for him to start the next round is escaping from a maze. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute, Clement starting now.

CF: Maize is the generic word for what we call sweetcorn. And if you escape...

BUZZ

NP: Victoria Wood has challenged.

VW: Itís not. Itís a different word.

NP: No, I think thatís right.

VW: Maize has got an I in it, you canít escape from a maize.

NP: Oh I know, but itís not, itís not the spelling.

VW: Isnít it?

NP: No, itís how the word sounds, whether itís maize that you eat, or the maze in which you can go round like the one at Hampton Court.

VW: You canít have a maize!

NP: A maze, yes.

VW: No, not a, I donít mean that...

NP: This is radio, itís how it sounds...

PJ: You canít escape from a maize!

NP: ... on the ear!

VW: But look, let Peter speak on my behalf.

PJ: A maize?

NP: A maize.

PJ: Itís like having a wheat or something like that.

VW: Yes you canít escape from a wheat!

NP: I agree with your challenge...

VW: Yes.

NP: ... whatever it was!

VW: Yes!

NP: And there are 55 seconds for escaping from a maze starting now.

VW: Escaping from a maze is something that everybody must do. Otherwise these mazes would be littered with dead bodies of people who hadnít managed to do it. And nobody would pay to go in and drop dead in between two bits of privy...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of dead.

NP: Yes, dead bodies and drop dead.

VW: Yes, quite.

PJ: I hope Kenneth can get in on this, because corn is his subject!

NP: Oh dear me! The ruder they get, the more you applaud in Just A Minute! Honestly! So Clement you have a correct challenge and there are 44 seconds on escaping from a maze starting now.

CF: There used to be in the peerage one Lord Maze who was a director of Stag Reductions Limited. And Iíve always...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Weíve already established you canít do this. A maze! Itís escaping from a maze! You canít be a Smith! Itís ridiculous!

NP: Heís was going to try and escape from Lord Maze, Iím sure.

KW: Well that wouldnít be a!

NP: I do think he hadnít established that he wasnít escaping from this Lord Maze, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt and ask you to talk on this corny subject, with 37 seconds left starting now.

KW: It is quite easy to escape from a maze. Because you have to walk in, in the first place, holding a cotton reel, and you unwind it as you go long, you see. And therefore you can just rethread your way out of it. Itís amazing to me that nobodyís ever thought of this before. I go round saying to people ďhave you got...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Victoria Wood challenged.

VW: People have thought of it before.

PJ: Yes.

VW: The Greeks did.

NP: Yes he did say quite definitely itís amazing people havenít thought of it before.

VW: Yes.

NP: And Iím sure that somebody has thought of it before.

VW: Oh they have.

NP: So I think thatís a very clever challenge.

VW: Yes.

NP: And we give you the subject Victoria...

VW: The man in the minotaur! The man who went...

PJ: Oh I think a lot of people. Oh I mean, I think the Greeks were probably the most recent people who thought of it!

NP: Fourteen seconds for Victoria Wood to take escaping from a maze starting now.

VW: Escaping from a maze is quite simple if you just purchase on the entrance a route map or plan with which you can follow your way to the centre and a reasonable method of making an exit from the place...

WHISTLE

NP: So Victoria Wood gained points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went. And sheís now in second place, sheís one ahead of Peter Jones, sheís three behind Clement Freud. And Victoria Wood, you begin the next round. The subject is my secret. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

VW: My secret isnít really anything I can reveal to the six of us here this evening, not including the audience. Because if I told any of you, then it would cease to be a secret. And so I canít really say any more about it than that, except itís awfully private and it happened a long time ago. And I really think I should stop talking because I just did an enormous hesitation...

BUZZ

VW: I want to give myself up!

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well, this is just a kind of euthanasia on my part, to kind of save her from lingering on! She seemed to ah...

NP: Are you trying to say that she paused?

PJ: Yes I think I am. Yes thatís the word I was groping for.

NP: Right well we donít want too much groping in the game Peter. And ah you have the subject of my secret and there are 38 seconds left starting now.

PJ: My secret will die with me. Nothing will ever persuade me to describe...

BUZZ

NP: Victoria Wood has challenged.

VW: Repetition of me. My secret will die with me, and something else he said. He said...

KW: Youíve already given up the subject! Why do you want it back?

VW: I just want another point! I donít want it back!

PJ: Sheís right!

VW: I just want the point and somebody else can talk.

KW: Well you challenge, youíll get the subject if you win it!

VW: I donít want it!

NP: Well you have the subject and there are 31 seconds Victoria, my secret starting now.

VW: My secret happened to me on a wet Wednesday in December 1972. And I cannot tell you any more about it because it is a secret...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of I canít tell you.

NP: Yes you said before I canít tell you.

VW: I told you I didnít want it back.

NP: Clement Freud, there are 22 seconds, my secret starting now.

CF: I want to tell you all about my secret, because I shall feel much better as a result. It was on Tuesday the 15th of September nineteen hundred and forty-two. And it happened in Warbeswick in Suffolk where I then lived. A man came up to me as the sun was setting over the Anchor Inn...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Just before the whistle went, Kenneth Williams, your light came on. What is it?

KW: Yes of course it came on before, before he had finished because he was just filling in. He had no intention of telling any secret.

NP: Yes.

KW: It was a load of codswallop about Warbeswick and the setting sun! Iíve never heard such a load of rubbish in my life!

NP: And youíve done the same to him, youíve got in with one fifth of a second to go...

KW: Oh good! Yes! Good! So have I got the subject?

NP: Yes, my secret...

KW: Yes! Right! Yes!

NP: ... starting now.

KW: Yes well Iíd like to say...

WHISTLE

KW: Oh well done! Iíve won the point! That means Iím in the lead now! Doesnít it! What have I got?

NP: Four points.

KW: Yes? Whoís in the lead then?

NP: Clement Freud.

KW: Ohhhhh!

NP: Youíre actually still in fourth place. Only a little way behind Peter Jones and Victoria Wood. Clement Freud is actually quite a strong lead. And Peter will you begin the next round, the subject is lime. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: Well itís one of my favourite fruits. And it is one of the ingredients of quite the best cocktail to drink in a tropical atmosphere, the dachary. Ah Captain Cook...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes.

KW: Hesitation, I said!

NP: Yes I know! I agree!

KW: Well hurry up then! Give me the subject!

NP: Iím just trying to get out...

KW: Come on, get on! Come along!

NP: All right, youíre in place. Right there are 47 seconds on lime starting now.

KW: I was told that the bird excreta contains this substance and therefore you could get it on your head, if you werenít very careful. Now then i also happen to know that itís in cement because when this whiteness appears on brickwork they always say that is an example of the excrescence. And I know a couple who took this house, unaware of any such defect, until they called in this surveyor. And he said ďwell itís the limes, you see, thatís what causes it.Ē ďOh,Ē they said, ďhave we any compensation in law? Can we go back and demand that this thing be put right?Ē ďAlas,Ē he said, ďno, because itís organic and chemical...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams did terribly well in that round...

KW: Yes! Yes!

NP: He won points, he got one for speaking as the whistle went...

KW: Yes!

NP: But heís still in fourth place!

KW: Oh!

NP: But heís creeping up on the others and Clement Freud is still in the lead, and he also begins the next round. And the subject is honey. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute if you can Clement, starting now.

CF: Honey is a substance much beloved by bears and Iíve never quite understood why. But if you hear a story about say the three bear or the plural of that word...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he did repeat bears.

NP: No, he said the three bear.

KW: Well then heís all right there, itís ungrammatical so itís deviation.

NP: Oh if heíd challenged him for ungrammatical, for the story of the three bear...

PJ: Well I naturally assumed he wouldnít say three bear, you know, because I couldnít hear the S...

NP: No.

PJ: And I assume heíd, um... well what do you think?

NP: I think you should have the subject because Iíll give you the benefit of the doubt, and er, because you didnít actually hear him, he was very quiet. There are 47 seconds on honey Peter starting now.

PJ: Some of the best honey in Cornwall is er made by bees...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Is er.

NP: Hesitation.

PJ: No, rubbish!

KW: You said ďis erĒ. Is er made by the bees, so thatís hesitation.

NP: No, you did actually hesitate Peter.

PJ: I did er?

NP: You didnít say er but you hesitated.

PJ: Well he said I did say er.

NP: I know, it doesnít matter what he said, you hesitated, that was the challenge. The challenge was correct.

PJ: Are you challenging, Nicholas?

NP: No Iím trying to keep order in an impossible situation. Itís very hot here and weíre all getting rather tense and rather...

PJ: Iím not tense! Iím not tense!

NP: There are 43 seconds for the subject of honey starting now.

KW: One of the most important oxidants of which is the Queen. And in the Apiary Journal, a writer complained. He said ďwhen my Queens...Ē

BUZZ

KW: Plural, you idiot!

NP: He was a bit too sharp there. Yes he was...

KW: Fell right into it, didnít he! Yes theyíre hoist by his own petard, these fools!

NP: But be fair, you set him up to put him right into it, didnít you.

KW: Well thatís as may be, darling!

NP: Another point to you Kenneth, and 33 seconds on honey starting now.

KW: Are delivered by the railroad, they are flung off the train at enormous speed. And become stunned. When they get in the hive...

BUZZ

NP: Victoria Wood challenged.

VW: This is deviation, nothing to do with honey.

NP: I donít know what it was being thrown off the aero, the plane, getting stunned.

KW: I said the Queens the man had delivered for his hive, were thrown off the train at high speed and were concussed!

VW: Thatís not honey!

NP: Well you were talking about bees, and not about honey!

KW: This is the correspondence in the Apiary Journal which is about bees, if you knew anything about apiary!

VW: Itís honey!

NP: The subject is honey, not bees!

KW: The subject is apiary, itís about bees, you fool!

VW: Youíre supposed to be talking about honey!

KW: They make bloominí honey! You great fool!

NP: We all know that, I hope! But you have to stick to the subject of honey!

KW: Rubbish! If it was milk, you could talk about cows!

NP: But you would still have to relate it to milk.

KW: Iíve never heard such nonsense in all my life!

NP: You could talk about cows and relate it to the cud or grass and not relate it to milk. If itís bees you must relate it to honey and youíve got long enough without relating it to honey. So Victoria Wood has a correct challenge and she has 19 seconds on honey starting now.

VW: Honey is made by bees who flit from blossom to flower and lick the middle or calyx of the bloom, and put all the ponnel or pollen, when I say ponnel, I mean pollen...

BUZZ

VW: That was um...

NP: Yes!

CF: Deviation.

NP: Ten seconds on honey Clement starting now.

CF: Kenneth Williams reliably informs me that bees make honey, and Iím in no position to argue about this whatsoever. I think heís right...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud is still in the lead, but he is being well challenged and closely challenged by Kenneth Williams, who has leapt forward into second place alongside Victoria Wood. But um Kenneth will you begin the next round, the subject friendship. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: There is one of the most noble aspects of friendship discussed by Tennyson in that remarkable testimony of probably one of the greatest friendships ever known...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of greatest.

NP: Iím afraid you did say greatest before.

KW: I didnít! Did I say greatest twice?

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Shut your row! What do you mean! Heís wearing a deaf aid anyway! What does he know!

NP: Peter Jones yes...

KW: Oh him! Weíll have to listen to him again, I suppose! Droning on and on!

NP: Forty-three seconds Peter on friendship starting now.

PJ: Well friendship is one of the most priceless possessions a man can have...

KW: And you havenít got any!

PJ: ... and my feelings... he interrupted!

NP: I know he did! Keep going!

PJ: I was going to say that mine for him is something that really sustains me spiritually throughout a difficult life, and always has. His remarkable courage...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Jones has had a very easy life!

PJ: Not at all!

NP: Well as none of us wish to go into his past and we can only suppose. And Iím sure that anybody in show business has a difficult life...

KW: You can say that again, mate!

PJ: Not in this game!

NP: And he has a difficult time in this game. If thatís not difficult, therefore heís highly justified in what he said. And there are 32 seconds for you to continue Peter on friendship starting now.

PJ: Despite his unfortunate experience and the unhappy disposition that he has borne like a real hero, because I know he is the subject of many conflicts. His mind is often twisted and warped, but despite this...

BUZZ

NP: Victoria Wood challenged.

VW: Iím feeling sorry for Kenneth!

NP: Deviation?

VW: I donít wish Peter to go on.

NP: I know, he was, he was going off about Kenneth Williams...

VW: Yes.

NP: ... and less about friendship. It was again like the honey and the bees, he was not relating it.

VW: Exactly, yes.

NP: So it was again deviation and you get in with four seconds to go on the subject of friendship... Kenneth Williams for that laugh was demonstrating friendship with Clement Freud in a particularly intimate way! But thank goodness we havenít got television otherwise it would be censored! And four seconds... Kenneth!

KW: Yes weíre, weíre...

NP: Itís all right for this but...

KW: Weíre hanging, weíre hanging from your every word!

NP: Well...

KW: Go on darling! Weíre hanging on your every word!

NP: If youíre hanging...

KW: Why are you going red? Why is he going red? Look, heís gone red! Look at his face!

NP: Because I feel you should adjust yourself! Itís all very well having this invited depraved audience in to listen to Just A Minute, but weíre not on television. And therefore we have to try and keep going in spite of all the difficulties you present us with. And Peter Jones has four seconds, no it wasnít...

VW: No, itís me!

NP: Itís Victoria Wood, yes itís you, our guest. Victoria Wood has four seconds to talk on friendship starting now.

VW: Friendship is a meeting of two minds of like temperaments...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that final whistle not only brought that round to an end, it also brought the show to and end. And we have a situation where our lovely guest Victoria Wood came along, did extremely well, and finished up in second place, alongside Peter Jones and also in the company with Kenneth Williams. Three second place people just a few points behind this weekís winner, once again Clement Freud! We hope that you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, and will want to tune in again same time next week. Till then from all of us here, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.