JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,BJohnston
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and BRIAN JOHNSTON, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 May 1983)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Brian Johnston in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again they are going to try and talk on the subject that I give them, without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from that subject. Let us begin the show this week with Peter Jones, Peter the subject is telephone answering machines. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Yes well I'm rather embarrassed to have to admit this publicly, but I don't have a butler. Now I'm sorry if this should destroy the illusions that many of my public have of me. But in lieu of this I have got a telephone answering machine, which records a simple message which I have made myself personally on the tape provided, which says briefly that I am not available to speak in person because I am out or indisposed, lying drunk in bed, I don't know. Any particular reason it could be. I don't like it when I phone other people, and they have a telephone answering machine...

BUZZ

NP: Brian Johnston.

BRIAN JOHNSTON: He said phone before, about quarter of an hour ago.

NP: Telephone is...

BJ: Not telephone, he said phone.

NP: Yes.

PJ: That's why I said telephone before, you see.

BJ: Oh if you said telephone before, you've said it again now, so that's twice.

NP: No...

PJ: I said phone this time.

NP: Brian you haven't played this game as often as the others...

BJ: No, I know!

PJ: You're not likely to, going on at this rate Brian!

NP: Oh it all comes out, even the guests get no mercy! So Brian, an incorrect challenge, Peter another point, and telephone answering machines, six seconds starting now.

PJ: Shops will tell you that there's nobody there to speak to you if you want to order something and I don't...

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point, it was Peter Jones who also began the subject and gained points during it. He is not only in the lead at the end of that round, he's the only person to have any points. Derek Nimmo, will you take the next round, the subject is carpet baggers. There are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Carpet baggers were so named because after the American Civil War when the North beat the South, they used to go from the top part of the country, further down, carrying with them these carpet bags, which they had all their possessions within. And tried to secure some of the most influential jobs in that part of the United States. And this... then became known...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: That I would say was a hesitation, yes Peter. A point to you, 30 seconds on carpet baggers starting now.

PJ: They didn't have any money. They couldn't afford proper port manteaux, or suit cases. And so they fashioned these carpet bags out of bits of old flooring material made of wool, or cotton, whatever. Sometimes they were quite attractive, a lot of sewing went into them. Their mothers and wives were engaged on the needlework of this project for a long time. And when they were ready, they filled them with various articles which they put in, and travelled...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones is starting in fine style. After his success of a few weeks ago, we have a different audience, I must explain, Peter actually won a few weeks back. And he's come back with new adrenaline and here he is, not only still in the lead, but still the only person with any points!

PJ: It's the same old me, apart from the adrenaline!

NP: Kenneth Williams will you take the next subject, it is variety. Sixty seconds starting now.

KW: Howard Blue was in variety. He used to come on and say "I've been in the Electric Cafe, I go there because the food's so shocking!" Well I always laughed at those jokes! And Nellie Wallace said "I have a young man who always holds my purse, says the change does him good!" Well the variety place was full of these distinguished artists, and I deplore the fact that we haven't got them with us today, to enliven the proceedings as they always did. Variety, someone once said, was the spice of life, unlike the condiments which you see on a table. They said it gave a flavour, a piquancy if you like. And of course variety is...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of of course.

NP: So Derek you got in now with three seconds, no, four seconds to go, variety starting now.

DN: Max Miller, that great comedian, used to say "when roses are red, they're ready for plucking..."

WHISTLE

NP: Well I'm glad that Derek Nimmo didn't finish that little rhyme of Max Miller's! Because we might have been back to the limerick situation of a few weeks ago. Derek you were speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point. You're in second place, and Kenneth has a point. Brian Johnston is yet to score and he begins the next round, and the subject is great moments. I'm sure you have some to tell us about, can you do it in the game starting now.

BJ: I don't want to sound boastful, but I have had some great moments in my life. I've been lucky...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He's beginning to sound boastful!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM BJ, NP, DN, KW AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: What we like to do on this occasion...

DN: Oh that's unfair!

NP: What we like to do on this occasion is to give Peter a bonus point for a good challenge, but Brian gets one for being interrupted, and he keeps the subject of great moments with 55 seconds starting now.

BJ: Because I have been able to see things like the coronation... funerals... weddings... cricket matches...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Four hesitations.

NP: (laughs) Four hesitations!

BJ: Hesitation.

PJ: He hesitated before each of these events.

NP: I know he did, but he hasn't...

PJ: Well you know he did! Right, that's all good. As long as you know he did, it's all right.

NP: But he hasn't played the game as often as you and the others. And...

PJ: You keep saying that, I don't know what to say. I mean I haven't played it as often...

BJ: I mean old Williams here goes faster than that, and you let him go on.

NP: But he doesn't pause in between...

KW: What about the old? Old? Old?

PJ: Yes I heard that.

KW: Old, look at this hair, spun gold! I've got hair, spun gold, I'm old! Old! Are you going to stand there and...

NP: I'm not, I'm sitting! What's the matter with you, blind as well?

KW: Oh I thought, yes, it's that table.

NP: Right well Brian, we're with you still, on 45 seconds and the subject is great moments starting now.

BJ: One of the greatest moments that I've had was at the Oval in 1953 when England regained the Ashes after 19 years. Denis Compton was batting, Arthur Morris was bowling and he bowled off-breaks over the wicket left-hand, which is the other word for a chinaman. And the batsman to whom I referred with initials DCS swept the ball towards the cathometer...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of ball.

NP: Yes you did mention the, Brian Morris had the balls...

PJ: Too many balls!

BJ: I often speak it like that!

NP: And there are 19 seconds for Derek on great moments starting now.

DN: A great moment in my life was when Dame Anna Neagle received her DBE. We didn't know about it in the company I was in, a play called Charley Girl. And suddenly, one read in the newspaper that this great award had been given to this most noble and gracious lady...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

PJ: Well, aren't you listening?

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, DN, BJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I'm listening, I want to know whether you are! What was the word?

PJ: Lady!

NP: Thank you very much, you are correct, there's two seconds on great moments starting now.

PJ: I was stuck in a BBC lift with a lady whose name...

WHISTLE

NP: You see Peter, it can be, when Denis Compton was repeated, it could be that you come up with a wrong challenge as Derek did. That's why I had to ask you.

PJ: Ah yes. I see.

NP: But I liked your response.

PJ: Well thank you very much.

NP: Very witty! You're still in the lead by the way...

PJ: Of course I haven't been playing it as long as you've been chairman! I've only been doing it for... years...

NP: But it's affected your hair more than mine.

KW: I don't think... I don't think...

NP: In other words...

DN: Did you hear that? That great corpulent oaf saying things like that about Peter Jones!

KW: I think that's most uncalled for!

DN: So do I, Ken!

KW: I mean the poor man labouring there, under all the difficulties he's labouring under anyway!

PJ: Exactly! And you must remember that I have to play the game with you! You only have to play it with me!

NP: They're working that one out Peter! I have to play it with all of you! With all four of you up against me! Anyway we are now going to continue with, oh yes, who is going to begin? Peter Jones it's your turn to begin.

PJ: Ah!

NP: The subject is egg on face occasions! Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

PJ: Well of course, I've had a number of these over a long and successful career. I've appeared in the wrong clothes and made the wrong speech...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Wrong.

NP: There are 51 seconds for you on egg and face occasions starting now.

DN: Well one of the most egg on face occasions that I've ever heard about was when Peter Jones was coming down a lift at the BBC with this lady. And he took it that she was inviting him to a little bit of you-know-what, and she wasn't, at all. So that's why he got omelette surli visage very heavily in that particular piece of machinery. But the worst thing that ever happened to me, I must tell you about this because I think you'll be quite fascinated as a matter of fact. It was quite a few years ago, I think I was three and a half at the time. And I was standing on a beach. And a fellow came up to me and showed me one of those little Magill postcards. I don't know whether, perhaps I ought to ask someone who could show, but I did have egg on my face when I saw what I was written underneath. Because there was a line which I thought was quite witty, although rather eggy, I must confess that, because Humpty Dumpty was on the front of it...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was saved by the whistle again before he went over and told us one of those rude jokes. Derek you've crept forward, you're one ahead of Brian Johnston, you're two behind our leader Peter Jones. And Kenneth is still in a commanding fourth place. Derek it's your turn to begin, the subject is sand storms. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: They really are singularly terrifying. The first time that I was caught in a sand storm, I was travelling from Sharjah up through Awaddy across to Corpakhan. I saw in the far distance a cloud no bigger than a man's hand, which assumed enormous proportions. And I saw coming towards me this vast quantity of sand. I got off my camel, which is the thing to do, and crept down behind it. Wilfred Thessiger had taught me to do this personally, so I knew exactly what was required. I took my little (unintelligible) off, wrapped it round my head, put the water on it, and waited for the sand to pass over. Now it took some, I would say 25 minutes, before the worst of this great deluge of sand came upon me. I was filled with mortal terror. I crossed myself and took out my rosary beads. And thought...

BUZZ

NP: Brian Johnston's challenged.

BJ: A long time ago, you said you crossed the desert. And then just you now you say you crossed yourself with the rosary beads.

NP: Well listened Brian! Very clever! And so you got in, we were all so intrigued and fascinated!

DN: Well I was wondering how it was going to end myself!

NP: Brian, well listened, you've got in with three and a half seconds to go on sand storms starting now.

BJ: I have never been in a sand storm, but I have been in the Savara... no!

WHISTLE

NP: It doesn't matter, the whistle went before you got to the Savara!

BJ: The Savara!

NP: And Brian you've moved forward, but you're still one behind Peter Jones, our leader, one ahead of Derek Nimmo, in third place. Kenneth Williams is in fourth place and he's now taking the next subject which is keeping my figure. Don't laugh, he has a beautiful little diminutive figure there. Beautifully marked, beautifully shaped, and he uses it very effectively on the stage. There are 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

KW: Well I have met people who say they find great difficulty in keeping their figure. I reply dieting is no good whatsoever! Reject it utterly! There is only one way to deal with this situation and it is not by accident that all spiritual advice accents the giving up of something. Therefore do without any intake whatsoever for a period, preferably 24 hours. And you will find the benefit is incredible. This is why the Jewish dietary laws have that strict code. It's the same with Chrisgenetics, saying lent. Taking the idea, you see, that you should go into yourself, forget material things, stuffing your belly, and think only of higher thoughts...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth took the subject with style and panache, kept going for 60 seconds without committing any of the sins of Just A Minute. And was speaking as the whistle went gained a point for that, and also a bonus point for not being interrupted. Alas, he's still in fourth place! But he gives great value for money! Brian Johnston, you begin the next round, the subject is things I make lists of. And there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

BJ: I make lists of a great many things. When you get to my age, you do forget. And so I have a little book in my pocket, and each morning I write down the things which I have to do during the day. Sometimes it's shopping, sometimes it's people I have got to...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

BJ: Sometimes.

DN: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I mean...

BJ: I haven't played...

DN: Two sometimes.

NP: Sixty seconds for Derek Nimmo to talk about things I make lists of...

DN: Oh sorry...

NP: I'm so sorry...

KW: How can he have 60 seconds...

DN: Are you penalising me?

KW: You're supposed to begin with 60 seconds, and this bloke's had a go! So there must have been some time used up! How can there now be 60 seconds? It makes no sense!

NP: It doesn't make any sense at all. The sense is that I made a mistake.

KW: Oh!

NP: I am human!

KW: Oh! But it's so unusual!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN, NP, BJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh you never know where you are in this game with these fellows...

PJ: There's a first time for everything, Kenneth!

NP: There are 46 seconds left and Derek has the subject, things I make lists of starting now.

DN: If I'm in...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I think that time you really didn't get started. So Kenneth I agree, you have ah... there's more than a second...

PJ: I think that's a bit harsh!

KW: No it's not! He's the chairman! Nobody's a better judge!

PJ: Well I think it is.

NP: Well I can see on the watch that Ian Messiter holds, it's more than a second before he started.

DN: It wasn't more than a second!

NP: It's there!

DN: Well you mumble on so much, I never know when you're going to say start!

NP: Well I think you know the game sufficiently well to get it. I mean usually you get cracking like that anyway. Kenneth I agree, you have a hesitation there, 44 and a half seconds on things I make lists of starting now.

KW: I make lists of all those delightful people! Derek Nimmo I put right at the top, because he has such fanciful flights of imaginative delight! I sit enthralled when he...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of I. We're playing a really tough game tonight!

PJ: Anyway you can't make a list of Derek Nimmo!

NP: But you didn't challenge Peter!

PJ: He may use a list, he may have a list, but he isn't one.

NP: He may be at the top of the list, but you didn't challenge. It was Derek who challenged, and Kenneth still has the subject, and 31 seconds on things I make lists of...

DN: Are you saying he didn't say I twice?

NP: ... starting now.

KW: I also put down the impressionists. After all one thinks in terms of Dagar, Caravachio and my dear old Gatrino. So-called because, you know, it means squint-eyed. And his real name, Francesco Barbieri, is Frank Barber which doesn't sound at all interesting, as opposed to the modern version. Rather like Jose Marino, a lot better than Joe Brown. But on the other hand, you see, it's very effective...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of you see.

NP: Yes you did say you see before, yes. I thought you were going to have him for deviation, he's got away from what he makes lists of.

DN: Oh really? Well I thought you weren't going to give me a point at all, so I'm really quite pleased the way it's turned out actually!

NP: Derek you have a correct challenge and you have three seconds for things I make lists of starting now.

DN: Radishes, sausages, turnips and peas, greens and jars of beans and...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, and has now taken the lead. But the scoring situation is very interesting. There's only one point separating each of them in this order, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones, Brian Johnston and then Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones, your turn to begin, the subject is a much needed invention. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: I'd like some kind of invention to stop me repeating myself, or hesitating. Ah let alone deviating from the subject. If it could be an electronic impulse which is just fitted under my arm, or some other place in my body, and gave me a little twinge when I was about to do this, then I might easily be able to speak more fluently and with some kind of ah oratoric...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I think deviation, he speaks beautifully, and most fluently. I think to say that he doesn't speak fluently is a deviation.

NP: But he didn't say that. He said he would like to speak there, he would speak more fluently.

KW: Well I think that that's impossible! Nobody could speak more fluently than Peter Jones!

NP: Well...

KW: Peter Jones not only speaks fluently, he speaks so mellifluously, it's so easy on the ear! People say "if only I could hear more of that Peter Jones"!

PJ: Have you been sniffing glue?

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: No, his nose is naturally that shape!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter, you did say that you could speak more fluently so Kenneth's challenge is incorrect. You keep the subject, a much needed invention, there are 37 and a half seconds starting now.

PJ: Also something to wake one up quietly and gently in the morning, not as fiercely and as vulgarly as an alarm clock, or even buzzer. And not music either. I think something that would be um...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes Derek, you have the subject with 21 and a half seconds, a much needed invention starting now.

DN: Well I'll tell you what I think is a much needed invention is some kind of little device that you could pop on to your back, and so you could fly personally. We don't want aeroplanes, great big helicopters, things like that, some wonderful...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two somes.

NP: There were two somes, yes there were Kenneth, well listened. Ten seconds are left, a much needed invention starting now.

KW: It should be one which when you press the grapefruit results in any squirts being determined away from you. I didn't know what quite to say there, I meant diverted away...

WHISTLE

NP: Having now been on the panel of Just A Minute, I know what it's like, you see the word comes in, and he wanted diverted, but it didn't come out, it came out determined, didn't it.

KW: No, isn't it funny, I mean, my agony was visible to all! I was left omelette surli visage.

NP: Yes! So Kenneth you've leapt forward, you're one ahead of Brian Johnston, one behind Peter Jones and two behind our leader Derek Nimmo who begins the next round, the subject Casablanca. Will you tell us something about that subject Derek starting now.

DN: So after this terrible sand storm, my camel arrived in Casablanca. And I took out my rosary beads and crossed myself, and thanked the good Lord for allowing me to survive this terrible hardships that I'd undergone before I reached Casablanca. And then I wandered into a rather pretty little bar where there were some unusually effete and scented Englishmen sitting there, wrapped in long dishdashers which as you know is a sort of robe that people tend to wear in that part of the world. One of them was ordering a dry martini, and instead of having an olive in it, he had a date, which I thought was rather singular. But then Casablanca is a strange...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: What about the camel?

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, BJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh!

PJ: Did he leave him outside? In the burning heat after he'd taken him all this vast distance?

NP: I love the way that your mind works Peter. All of the rest, we were all listening for any things he did in Just A Minute, and all you were thinking about was this poor camel!

PJ: Well, I love animals, you know, particularly when they save people's lives as this one obviously did.

KW: Oh no, I wasn't in the least bit interested in the camel, but I liked all those effete blokes with dates in the gin! I thought that was marvellous!

NP: What we do there is we give Peter Jones a bonus point for a a delightful challenge. Also Derek Nimmo a point for being interrupted and he keeps the subject, he keeps the subject, there are 13 seconds on Casablanca starting now.

DN: They made a very good film called Casablanca, which starred the late Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. And he was supposed to have said it within this programme, play it again Sam. I don't know whether it is absolutely correct...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round, getting an extra point for speaking as the whistle went, Derek Nimmo has increased his lead. But he's only two ahead of Peter Jones. And Kenneth Williams begins the next round, and the subject is asteroids. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

KW: These are electrons, meteors, sometimes they're also called stars. Like me, I twinkle, and when I arrive in France they always say (speaks in French). I think it's very nice to be greeted in that fashion. Asteroids go across the sky. It was in fact a great astronomer who said "shooting stars go across the skies at night" on the aural tradition, that is to say they are gone once they have been seen, and that is the written tradition, they stay forever...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two traditions.

NP: Yes you talked about tradition before. Sorry Kenneth, and congratulations on the way you wriggled out of the sky and the skies, I thought that was superb. There are 16 seconds on asteroids with Derek starting now.

DN: When I first met Kenneth Williams, he said to me, I thought that I have got the most terrible asteroids. It wasn't in fact what he said, but I was for a long time rather puzzled. And I looked it up in the dictionary, and I found it was these little minor stars that went around the solar system...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo, saved by the whistle once again, shooting all over the place, I've no doubt! Um we've now reached the end of this particular contest and game. And er Brian Johnston who's came back from his previous triumphs finished in fourth place. But only one point behind Kenneth Williams who gave such excellent value as usual. He was two points behind Peter Jones, who was excellent and outstanding as ever. And way out in the lead was that superlative player of the game, the one and only Derek Nimmo! And we do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, enjoyed listening to it as much as we've enjoyed playing it. And will be tuning in again when Just A Minute once more takes to the air, and we all play this delightful game. Till then from all of us here, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.