WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and NICHOLAS PARSONS, chaired by CLEMENT FREUD (Radio, 9 May 1983)
NOTE: Clement Freud's last appearance as chairman.
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you all about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed. Hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we have our four regular competitors of the game taking part in this particular show. And as usual they will speak for Just A Minute on the subject they'll be given, without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from that subject. But as throughout the years we've been playing this game, these four clever, agile, witty, brilliant, intense, wonderful characters...
DEREK NIMMO: Hear hear!
NP: ... have always criticised their chairman, and I've suffered, I thought we would make a change today. And we're going to invite one of them to become chairman, and I'm courageously, I think very courageously, going to sit in their seat and try and play the game. And this week we are going to ask Clement Freud to cross the floor of the house of Just A Minute, and sit here and I will take his place.
CLEMENT FREUD: Well, welcome to Get Your Own Back Week! We'll start with Derek. And the subject is making a sausage roll. Starting now.
DN: Well Nicholas Parsons does remind me of a sausage roll. As Mister Clement Freud has very wisely pointed out. Because he's fat and podgy, and has a rather tickly interior...
CF: Nicholas with another false challenge.
NP: Deviation, I don't think I am fat and podgy. And if you think I am, I ask you to put it to the audience and let them be the judges of whether I'm fat and podgy.
SHOUTS OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE
CF: This is a false challenge by Nicholas who will be last this week! Derek you have another point...
NP: But I can prove it, even the audience have proved it. When I was chairman, and put it to the audience and we always bowed to their superior judgement...
CF: Nicholas you lose another point! Nobody gets it, it's just minus one to Nicholas! Derek you keep the subject and you have 37 seconds starting now.
DN: Raspberry jam is an ideal thing to put in...
NP: I think the chairman was deviating, I thought he was deviating on raspberry jam, but actually he's established he was going to put it into his sausage roll, which I think is a most devious thing to do anyway!
DN: Mister Chairman, is he allowed to challenge so irresponsibly?
CF: It'll be cut out in the programme, don't worry! Derek...
NP: They never edit in Just A Minute!
CF: Derek, you have 35 seconds starting now.
DN: You go down the Steak Road, or Wait Road, or somewhere like that, and buy some ready made pastry. Awfully good idea, Sainsbury's has it too, you've probably seen it in Marks And Spencers. And when you've got this, take it home, put it on the table, take a couple of sausages, nice ones, you know, no bangers, put them in, roll them round, into the oven, and then you bring them out. And gosh, they're good, particularly with mustard. I like them very much, salt and pepper, and then give one to Nicholas Parsons, because he's got a mean and hungry look...
NP: Repetition of, I'm actually very nervous of challenging, because you've already told me...
DN: Quite right!
NP: I'm not going to get any points in this particular programme. But he did say Nicholas Parsons before.
CF: Well yes he did. Nicholas Parsons has now achieved parity! And gets the subject...
PETER JONES: Kenneth, would you like to come out for a drink?
KENNETH WILLIAMS: No! No, we've got to stay!
CF: Nicholas you've got the subject, you have 13 seconds on making a sausage roll starting now.
NP: One of the most difficult things to do is make a sausage roll. Because they're usually curved. And if you don't cook them first, it's even more impossible. Put them at the top of a incline and see how far they will roll down to the bottom. If you...
NP: Do I lose a point for speaking when the whistle went?
CF: And the score now is Derek has three points, Nicholas has none, because he lost one through... And the next subject is Peter's, and it is forewords. And you have 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Forewords of books are very similar to introductions and ah prefaces and appreciations...
KW: Introductions and ah.
NP: He did er, yes, I'm his chairman, and I listened and he hesitated definitely. Kenneth you have the subject...
CF: Kenneth, it's a very good challenge, and no! Peter, forewords and you have 55 seconds starting now.
PJ: Groucho Marx was asked to write one for a friend, who had written a book. And he put down "I appreciate whoever the author's name, whatever the author's name was..."
CF: Derek you have a challenge.
DN: Whatever the, repeat.
CF: You're absolutely right. You have forewords and you have 45 seconds starting now.
DN: Forewords are something that you're asked to write for other people's books. And they never give you any money for doing this, very boring to have to er do one...
KW: A hesitation.
CF: You're right. A point, forewords, 40 seconds, now.
KW: They should give you some idea of what's in store. And in the Victorian era, they were notable for having little chapter headings and things. And in the forewords it was explained the general scheme of the thing, so to speak...
DN: Repetition of things.
NP: No, he said theme before, I was listening to him.
KW: Thank you! Yes!
NP: He said theme before and thing this time.
KW: Yes! What a cheek! Trying to get in like that! It's outrageous!
NP: But you see, he, Clement Freud wants him to win.
PJ: Mister Chairman, may we hear more from the chairman, and less from the shadow chairman?
CF: Kenneth you keep the subject, 24 seconds starting now.
KW: And the best way to write a foreword is to familiarise yourself with the subject underrrrr discussion...
CF: Nicholas Parsons.
NP: I would say that was hesitation.
CF: I would agree.
CF: You have the subject, you have 17 seconds starting now.
NP: The best four words that I think of are sex, food, money and power. And if you think of what these four words represent, you will realise they are probably the most emotive qualities in any human nature...
CF: Kenneth you challenged for repetition of think.
KW: Yes because he is talking about four words, and this is forewords, which is one word. It's not F-O-U-R and then another one, this is one word, forewords.
CF: Kenneth you, you buzzed for repetition of think, and you're quite right.
KW: Yes I meant the repetition of think, that's right, yes.
CF: You get the subject, you have three seconds starting now.
KW: And the best way to do it is to make...
CF: Derek you challenged.
DN: And the best way, repetition, and the best way.
CF: You're right, you have one and a half seconds starting now.
DN: Ubiquitous obsequious bumf...
CF: At the end of that round, Derek is in the lead. Peter hasn't as yet dome terribly well, scorewise. Kenneth is okay. Nicholas you have the next subject, it is roses starting now.
NP: Roses what a marvellous subject to begin my first term on Just A Minute. Paul Scarlett, a rambler rose...
PJ: It's also your last term on Just A Minute!
CF: Peter you get a point. Nicholas you may go on now.
NP: Rambler roses should be pruned in the autumn. Albertine, one of the fastest growing, is a fine specimen. The same with climbing roses and mermaid comes to mind, what a joy to behold. Peace is one of my favourites with its delicate fragrance, beautiful petals and huge blooms, also the most disease resistant. One mustn't forget also the floribunders, bush roses, hybrid teas. These should be dealt with in the spring, and given a good mulch with cow manure. If you can't get that, then horse or pig is equally good. The names of roses are endless, mojais, specs yellow, Wendy Cousins, superstar, the admiral, opera, montezuma, Granma Jenny, Granpa Dixon, Ena Harkness. Wheatcroft, he produces some marvellous roses. And if you want to have a really fantastic day out, go and visit Queen Mary's Rose garden in Regent's Park, during the summer in the June and see the beautiful blooms that cascade around there...
DN: Repetition of blooms.
NP: No, I said bloom before, and I said blooms this time.
DN: No, beautiful, beautiful you said twice. Beautiful you said twice.
CF: Derek, I let Nick go on a bit because he seemed to know a little about roses. Actually the whistle should have blown about five minutes ago! Nicholas gets a point.
NP: At last!
CF: And is lying in close second place. And Kenneth you start the next round, and your word is marvels starting now.
KW: One of the marvels of the modern world is in this very studio today. Yes you have guessed, it is of course none other than the Bloomsbury Bombshell himself, Kenneth Put-Him-On-Your-Mantlepiece Williams! This is a simply marvellous specimen of a marvel! And I have been marvelled at! And they've cried out "what a cult figure! We've never seen such a cult before!" And...
CF: Nicholas Parsons.
NP: Repetition of cult.
CF: No, cult figure has a hyphen.
KW: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
CF: Kenneth you have...
NP: He's evil, isn't he!
KW: Cult figure has a hyphen!
NP: I would, I would hate to be one of your constituents, I really would! Because if you treat them like you treat me...
KW: You haven't got enough money to live in his constituency!
CF: Kenneth you have 25 seconds on marvels starting now.
KW: Another marvel is of course that incredible structure, the Humber Bridge. I went and stood in amazement at the pylons supporting, they're so delicate looking and yet such a tough affair. I said to the man in charge "how much is it to cross?" And he said "a pound". I said "is that..."
NP: He said said three or four times.
CF: Yes he did.
NP: He said, I said.
CF: You get the subject, you have four seconds, marvels starting now.
NP: One of the marvels of our generation must undoubtedly be Kenneth Williams. A man...
CF: I'm afraid that puts Nicholas Parsons in the lead. He is just ahead of Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo, with Peter in honourable fourth place. And Derek you start the next subject, it is saddling a horse, you have one minute starting now.
DN: Saddling a horse, well the most difficult part about saddling a horse is to actually catch the horse. Because one has to go out into a field, and find the wretched thing. And they never come over to you very willingly. I find, I don't know about you, that they are the most stupid animals. For something so beautiful, they are incredibly silly. Anyway having...
CF: Peter you challenged.
PJ: That's ridiculous! There's nothing silly about a horse trying to avoid being saddled. It's not a natural thing for the horse to have done to it. It would rather much remain in the field, unsaddled, wouldn't it, roaming about.
CF: Go on a bit!
PJ: He's talking absolute rubbish!
CF: Go on a bit! Talk me into it!
PJ: And anyway it would be in a stable to start with it, wouldn't it.
CF: Right, we don't allow that challenge, do we?
IAN MESSITER: No, no, no, quite right!
CF: Right, Derek you have another 46 seconds starting now.
DN: If you're hunting with the bista or the oakley or the pouchly or the beaufort, then one would use an English saddle. And having obtained your...
CF: Nick Parsons.
NP: Repetition of find, right at the beginning he said "first of all you have to find your horse", and "one of the most difficult things is to find it".
CF: Yes, you don't have to go on.
NP: Oh right.
DN: He's much quicker on the uptake than you, you see!
NP: No, I just thought I'd let you go on a bit to be fair in the game.
CF: You are right and you have...
NP: I knew I wouldn't get a point even if it was a correct challenge.
CF: Nicholas you are right, and you have 33 seconds starting now.
NP: Well to find your horse in the field, you can always attract him with a little sugar. Having put a... norsel over his head...
CF: Derek you challenged.
NP: I'm in a desperate situation here! I mean...
CF: You have, you have the subject...
NP: ... the first time in Just A Minute when I'm not chairman and what chance have I got...
CF: Nick, will you please...
NP: (in tears) Oh Kenneth it's so difficult! Isn't it!
DN: Makes you vomit, doesn't it!
NP: That's the next subject!
CF: Derek you have an extra point for a good observation! You also have 27 seconds starting now.
DN: If you're getting a Mexican saddle, they're rather useful, because they have a little thing in front which you can hold on to. And gosh, sometimes you need it, don't you. I do, because I find it terribly easy to fall off. In fact I once sat on a horse...
CF: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition of find.
CF: Yes right, you have the subject, you have 15 seconds starting now.
PJ: Well the thing to do, of course, is to arrange beforehand for the groom to be holding the horse in the stable. And then you take the saddle off its hook on the wall, and you place it on top of the horse's back. And giving the horse a bit of ah sugar or something, you...
CF: Peter you have a point for speaking when the whistle went. Derek is now one point ahead of Nicholas. Kenneth is one point ahead of Peter. And there's not a great deal in it, or wouldn't be if I could read Ian Messiter's writing! And Peter you have the next subject, and it's concentration. You have 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Well that's one of the great qualities that you really need to be able to play this game. Unfortunately I always find that it's in conflict with the natural way of emphasising things, which is repetition. Or possibly even to make things more interesting, deviating. So really the actual... style...
NP: I would have interpreted that as hesitation.
CF: But you're not chairman, I am, I don't!
NP: I know, that's why we're so...
CF: Peter you have another 39 seconds starting now.
PJ: Some people are able to do this by staring very hard at the head of the pin. But I do feel that this probably tends to make their conversation more boring than it normally would be, if they were concentrating perhaps on the subject, even though it is ostensibly boring...
CF: Derek Nimmo.
DN: Repetition of boring.
CF: Right, 20 seconds starting now.
DN: Concentration is something that school masters always claim that your children have not got. And really it means that they drift of in class, because the master might be terribly boring. Lacks concentration. I have read this many times on everyone of the aforementioned bits of paper...
CF: Nicholas this is your great chance to shine. And the subject for you for one minute is muscles, and you may start now.
NP: Muscles are what we're all blessed with, and I think it's our duty to keep them in good shape. Sometimes when I strip off, people say "he's in fine nick". They are making a pun...
CF: Derek you challenged.
DN: Sometimes they say "what a wreck of a man"!
NP: As long as they don't say "what a wreck of a woman", what's it matter?
CF: Nick you may keep the subject, you have 48 seconds starting now.
NP: Some people like to overdevelop their muscles. These people go into for contests such as Mister Atlas. And they ripple these great things on their body, and they cover them with oil and other enjoins. And sometimes I think they look somewhat unattractive...
CF: Derek you challenged.
NP: The other kind of muscles...
DN: Repetition of sometimes.
CF: You're quite right, Nick you've had a challenge, you've repeated sometimes. Derek has the subject...
NP: What a mean challenge!
CF: He also has, he also has 37 seconds starting now.
DN: (French dish) I love mussels. I go down to collect them quite often, particularly when I'm staying in Poorest in Portlier Bay in Australia. I've got a very nice chum there, called Foil Tattoo, the widow of Sir Frank. And she has muscles growing on her little pier, I hasten to say he's a knight, not a peer of the realm. But... oh!
NP: Repetition of peer.
CF: Nick you're right, you have the subject back, 20 seconds starting now.
NP: Mussels from the sea with which (French dish) is made, are one of the delicacies. A soup that a lot of people enjoy tremendously. I would not say it is something that I would automatically choose, if I went into a restaurant, because the black shells...
DN: No he wouldn't, because it's too expensive for him!
NP: It doesn't matter whether I'm chairman or a panellist, they're still rude to me!
DN: He might, he might if I was paying!
CF: Um you get a point for being accurate...
NP: For rudeness? A point for rudeness? And insult!
CF: And Nick you lose a point for arguing. But you do get the subject back, you have seven seconds starting now.
NP: They are black on the outside, the shells. And when they are prised open, the little pink interior is quite a delicacy which is...
CF: Derek is still just in the lead, Nicholas is second. Kenneth who is about to speak will improve his position. And your subject is Athens, you have 60 seconds starting now.
KW: When I was in that fair city, I was taken to the Aggro, where all those wonderful old stoic philosophers used to hold forth to the numerous people who were gathered about to hear the wisdom. And I was taken to another place...
DN: He was taken twice, repetition of taken.
CF: He does get taken a bit, doesn't he.
NP: I wanted to hear Kenneth talk on...
CF: Derek you're right, Kenneth will doubtless get the subject back. But for the time being it's yours, you have 42 seconds starting now.
DN: In the Place, during Mardi Gras, that is the time to be there, gosh what an exciting. I met this beautiful girl in a domino...
NP: You don't actually have the Mardi Gras in the Place in Athens...
DN: You do.
NP: The Mardi Gras takes part in South American countries...
NP: ... and Latin countries.
CF: Nicholas you're wrong, the Mardi Gras is a day, it takes place all over the world. Nick you keep the subject...
NP: I'm trying, listen, I know I'm going to lose all the points I've got so I know...
CF: Nicholas you lose a point for arguing! Derek you go on, you have 33 seconds...
DN: Sitting on Sophocles' mountain...
CF: Derek you have 33 seconds starting now.
DN: Sitting on Sophocles' mountain, looking across at the kites that fly on the first day of Lent. That must be one of the most astonishing sights you could ever witness. Because the whole of the air of Athens is ablaze with these wonderful things, floating in the wind, with eagles amongst them and hawks and gosh...
CF: Peter Jones.
PJ: Hesitation. He said "and and hawks".
CF: If he had said "and and hawks" which he didn't, it would have been repetition.
PJ: Yes I thought it was.
CF: Derek you have the subject starting now.
DN: One of the great benefactors, I think, is Lord Elgin who brought those wonderful marbles back to England. A lot of people don't...
CF: Peter Jones.
PJ: Repetition of wonderful.
CF: Yes he did say wonderful before. Peter you have the subject and not very long starting now.
PJ: Athens is the Edinburgh of the south! And it's one of the most attractive cities that I've never visited. I'm always hoping...
CF: Peter you have now shot up, to share second place with Nicholas Parsons. And Kenneth is still in fourth place. Derek you have the next round and you begin with jokers, 60 seconds starting now.
DN: Well you know, old Peter Jones is rather a joker. I mean to come out with a remark like that. "Athens is the Edinburgh of the south!" I think that's really witty, don't you? Because I never quite know why that particular Scottish city is always compared to fair Athena. Because I find it rather...
NP: It's repetition of city. Edinburgh is a city, a city of the south, and that fair city.
CF: Yes, not, not a very bright challenge.
PJ: No, he didn't say a city of the south...
DN: I didn't...
CF: Since we start analysing challenges, Nick you have the subject, you have 42 seconds...
DN: I didn't say city the first time.
PJ: No he didn't.
CF: Yes he did. Yes he did.
PJ: I was listening very carefully, because I hoped he was going to go on talking about me!
CF: Well you weren't listening carefully enough! Nicholas starting now.
NP: I don't know, what's the subject? You haven't told me!
NP: You haven't told me the subject.
CF: Absolutely right!
NP: Oh come on! If I don't know what the subject is, how can I be deviating? Talk about these shafts coming through! No, that is very mean, Mister Freud. I'm sorry, I must state my point. I put it to the audience, wasn't it mean?
SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE
CF: I do not...
PJ: No you can't keep putting things to the audience all the time.
DN: Only the chairman can do that.
NP: Anyway he's way out in the lead...
DN: What I want to know is do you get more money for being chairman? Because Nicholas Parsons does, doesn't he?
CF: Yes, I'm doing this for the money, you're quite right!
DN: How much more do you get?
CF: What is crucial is that Nicholas Parsons gets less money for doing this!
DN: For being on the panel? Have you had a reduction Nicholas?
NP: Well yes, every time I speak I lose a point.
CF: Derek you have jokers, you have 40 seconds starting now.
DN: Nicholas Parsons is really the joker in the pack, isn't he. Look at him! What fun that man is! Oh, he's what is known as an old card, isn't he! That's why they call him the joker, which I think is quite tolerably amusing. There was a wonderful man called Joe Miller who wrote the Vade Mecum which was a... collection...
NP: A hesitation.
CF: Yes he did, you have the subject, it is jokers.
CF: You have 24 seconds starting now.
NP: Four of the finest jokers I know must be on the panel of Just A Minute. Derek Nimmo, Kenneth Williams and... Peter Jones...
DN: Hesitation, he couldn't remember the leading joker, Peter Jones.
PJ: Thank you.
CF: You're quite right.
DN: It's all right, my dear fellow, I've already said that.
CF: Seventeen seconds, starting now.
DN: When you see a joker, you don't always recognise him at first, because he might be wearing a long mackintosh. Have you ever thought about that, I bet you haven't? Or a bowler hat. And you might see from a distance this creature coming towards you, and you might think this chap is not a joker, but he is...
NP: He said "you might" three times. You might think, you might see.
CF: Mmmm, I suppose he did.
CF: You've got half a second starting now.
NP: Joker's wild...
CF: That great flurry of points brings Nicholas a long way behind Derek. But quite a long way in front of Peter, and even further in front of Kenneth. And Peter has the next round and begins with things I cut out of magazines starting now.
PJ: Well, mostly recipes I suppose, particularly if they're written by Clement Freud, so that I shan't become terribly envious of his amazing culinary prowess, in...
CF: Ah yes.
PJ: I was going to say several very nice things um...
CF: If I give you the subject, I hope you will continue in the sort of vein in which Peter started! In that case you may start now.
KW: Things I cut out of magazines are about myself, and I immediately paste them into a great book with suitable annotations underneath and appellations notwithstanding. I also cut out certain pictures which I think are suggestive. Now I don't want you to imagine that I am in any way prurient! Far be it for me to have that sort of thing applied to a name unsullied by any kind of ignoble act. I have been known to cut out things like ah...
KW: I was trying to think...
DN: He sort of stopped.
KW: ... of the things that say, you know, British summer time, I couldn't make it in time.
CF: Derek Nimmo you have the subject, you have seven seconds starting now.
DN: Things I cut out of magazines are pictures of roses, particularly one that is called Derek Nimmo. And it has a little thing underneath it that says...
CF: That point to Derek Nimmo brings us to the end of the round, also to the end of the game. Let me tell you the result in reverse order. Kenneth Williams was in the most reverse order. Peter was in front of him, Nicholas one in front of him. And this week's winner is Derek Nimmo! We shall be playing this game again next week, when with luck, we shall have a chairman of sanity, wit and brevity. If we're unlucky we have Nicholas Parsons! Thank you for coming, thank you for listening, and I hope you'll be with us again next week when Just A Minute takes the air. Good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Clement Freud, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.