NOTE: Chris Neill's last show as producer.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Oh! Thank you thank you! Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my immense pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only in this country but throughout the world. But also to welcome to the show this week four exciting, talented, individual, diverse, oh highly skilled players of the game. And in no order of preference, seated on my left we have that two lovely comedians, Julian Clary and Tony Hawks. And seated on my right, we have two great talents as well, that is Stephen Fry and Clement Freud. Would you please welcome all four of them! Thank you. And as usual they are going to display their verbal dexterity, their comic ingenuity as they try and speak on a subject that I give them, and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst, who is going to help me keep the score, she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Old Vic Theatre, a wonderful renowned beautiful theatre, just in the Waterloo area of London for those of you abroad who are trying to work out the geography. And we have a wonderful hyped-up audience, I think they're all Just A Minute fans, they're ready and eager for us to get started. So let's begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement the subject is how to matchmake. You have 60 seconds as usual and you start now.

CLEMENT FREUD: This is the sort of question you might be asked of a Bosnian asylum seeker, when he actually mentions how do you make matches. And ideally you would go to Scandinavia, where most of them seem to come from, because of the huge amount of sulphur contained in those Scandinavian countries, and the plethora of wood. Go where you will to Denmark, Sweden...


NP: Stephen challenged.

STEPHEN FRY: A couple of goes there, I think.

NP: Yes

CF: Go?

SF: Go to Scandinavia, go where you would.

CF: Two letters! Go!

SF: I know! Just two little letters!

CF: You wait!

NP: Stephen Fry, yes,a correct challenge, so you get a point for that. You take over the subject, there are 35 seconds available, how to matchmake starting now.

SF: All kinds of dating agencies nowadays, not just in the press as there always used to be in certain types of magazine, but also of course on the Internet where various people are put together according to their tastes and so on, their hobbies, their habits, their sexual preferences...


NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TONY HAWKS: Ah about four theirs altogether.

NP: Yes ah Tony, Tony you have a correct challenge, you have how to matchmake is the subject, 22 seconds available starting now.

TH: Believe it or not, beautiful as I am, I remain unmarried. Not altogether for the same reasons as Stephen and er Julian...


NP: Right Clement, you challenged first.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed yes.

SF: I wonder why!

NP: Yes...

SF: His soul was hesitating!

NP: Fourteen seconds still available Clement, you have the subject back, how to matchmake starting now.

CF: In Israel a lot of matchmaking goes on, as it does professionally in Pakistan and India. And people make enormous amounts of money by introducing a male to a female, as a consequence of which...


NP: In this show whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. And on this occasion it was Clement Freud and so at the end of the first round he has two points. And who goes next? It is um Julian! Julian, oh very apt! Old Vic, tell us something about Old Vic in this game starting now.

JULIAN CLARY: It's not widely known but when I was a student at Goldsmith College in south London, I worked here at the Old Vic as an usher. And I had the privilege of being here for Derek Jacobi's one hundredth performance of Hamlet, co-starring Barbara Jefferd. And it was my job on that occasion to go right up there to the gallery and throw roses down at Derek as he stood...


NP: Tony challenged.


NP: Ohhhhhhh!

TH: I'm a popular figure for this, yes! It was, unfortunately, he did repeat Derek.

NP: Yes he did I'm afraid.

JC: Back to why you're not married then!


NP: Right, give Julian a bonus point, because they enjoyed his remark. Tony you have the subject, you have 38 seconds, Old Vic starting now.

TH: I've often wondered if Old Vic is the father of young Vic. And if so, how do these theatres...


NP: Stephen you challenged.

SF: Two ifs.

CF: Two little letters.

SF: Two ifs.

NP: Two ifs?

SF: Well look, I'm...


SF: Oh I take it back! I take it right back! Sorry!

NP: No, no, no, it's...

SF: I thought the game was if someone repeated a word. I didn't realise that ah...

NP: Thirty-one seconds Stephen, Old Vic starting now.

SF: There's one in the West Country, of course known as the Bristol Old Vic. The one where we're here, hi hi hi hi hi!


SF: I give it to somebody, I give it back to Tony. Sorry, I was just, I was so guilty still, I'm sorry, I can't. Two ifs! I mean if a man can't say if twice...

NP: Tony you challenged first, 27 seconds, Old Vic starting now.

TH: I don't know how a building can become the parent of something else. But that obviously would be the case if they're named in such a way. But maybe I've got it completely wrong. I'm a fool and an idiot, and in fact most people would need...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Three ands.

NP: Two ands.

CF: Three ands.

NP: Three ands. Clement you have Old Vic, and you have 14 seconds starting now.

CF: The Old Vic is situated in the Waterloo area of London, on the south of the river. And if you went to the Underground station, the eponymous one ah, you would...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I'm afraid there was an er, which we count as a hesitation.

NP: Yes I know! Having found another way not to repeat it, and use a lovely word like eponymous, he hesitated. And gosh, you got in with only one second to go...


NP: I don't know why you clap. Old Vic starting now.

TH: Standing as I do...


NP: So Tony Hawks was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so, and he's actually in the lead now. He's two points ahead of Clement Freud, and three ahead of Stephen Fry, and four of Julian Clary. And Stephen it's your turn to begin, the subject is pie and mash. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

SF: Lawks a mussy! Well it's a south London dish, often associated with that area of our metropolitan capital at least! And indeed very often served...


SF: Oh dear! I said often twice!

NP: Yes! Clement challenged. Yes Clement?

CF: He said often twice.

NP: I know he did! I heard it but you may have come out with a different challenge which I may not have agreed with. So Clement a correct challenge, so you have 52 seconds, pie and mash starting now.

CF: Pi is 22 over seven, or three point one four two. And mash is a Victorian word for making love or kissing, ah doing...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I'm afraid he hesitated before his lovemaking!

NP: I know! Thirty-nine seconds with you Tony on pie and mash starting now.

TH: (in Cockney accent) Lawks a lummy! There's nothing I like more than to go down to south London and get myself a bit of pie and mash of an evening because...


NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Well if you're allowed to challenge for repeating and, he repeated and.

NP: He did. he did indeed so you've all had your little...

SF: Oh I don't like that kind of challenge!

JC: I thought it was allowed but apparently it isn't...

NP: You've all had your...

TH: Hang on, in this case pie and mash is in the title!

CF: Ah yes!

SF: True! True! True!

NP: Well done Tony so you keep the subject and you have 32 seconds on pie and mash starting now.

TH: I was doing some magnificent characterisation. I shall now continue as an American...


NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: No he wasn't! That wasn't, by no stretch of the imagination, magnificent!

NP: Twenty-eight seconds, oh no, sorry, no, that was just an interruption. So Tony you have another point...

SF: Oh for heaven's sake!

NP: But I mean we agree it was a really ghastly performance but you were not deviating as...

TH: Yes, my ego's in tatters, but I get a point!

NP: I know! Pie and mash is still with you starting now.

TH: (in American accent) I just love your pie and mash that you serve over here, you English folk. My, I love coming here...


NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Well it was unbearable but also he hesitated.

NP: Yeah he also said love twice.

TH: I repeated love.

SF: He did say love.

NP: Ah 20 seconds for pie and mash with you Julian starting now.

JC: I don't think pie and mash is a very nutritious dish. You don't know what's in the pie, for a start. There's all kinds of chewed up nose-bits, and eyeballs. It's a bit like eating sausages which I won't put in my mouth, and that's saying something! I think pie and mash is very popular because it's cheap, it's warm, and it fills you up. But don't go there is my advice...


NP: So Julian Clary speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point. He's in a strong third place, one behind Clement Freud. Tony Hawks is still in the lead. And Clement it's your turn to begin, and the subject now is meals on wheels. Clement I'm sure you can go on it, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Meals On Wheels is the name of a gay night-club which I oh er...


NP: Tony you challenged.

TH: I won't even say what he hesitated before! But he did hesitate.

NP: He did, and 54 seconds, meals on wheels Tony starting now.

TH: Meals on wheels are very difficult to eat because they keep moving about all over the place. I once had one at the beginning of the street, had to chase it all the way up to the far end of the road where I tucked in with my knife and fork with some zeal. It was pie and mash, which made it very pleasing, and relevant in some ways to some of the previous rounds we've had in this marvellous competition which I enjoy very much...


NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: It's a little bit further back. But he said "relevant in some ways to some of the". He said some twice.

NP: Some ways, some, he did indeed, well listened.

TH: And clearly I was going to say nothing of any interest!

SF: No, I don't blame you...

NP: So Stephen, you have 31 seconds, tell us something about meals on wheels starting now.

SF: There's a production company caterer called Reels On Wheels. But meals on wheels often refers to giving food to deserving people like the elderly, senior citizens, or whatever we're supposed to call them these days...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I think he should say that less begrudgingly!

SF: Oh sorry! Sheer verbal constipation!

TH: Fine.

SF: I was just struggling to try and get out a word without repeating.

TH: Fine, I withdraw my challenge then.

NP: Well um, you withdraw your challenge.

TH: He gets a point though.

SF: Oh indeed.

NP: He gets a point because he was interrupted. I hope you get over your constipation!

SF: Thank you!

NP: And you carry on, 21 seconds on meals on wheels starting now.

SF: Usually prepared somewhere like a school kitchen or similar, and then popped into hot boxes and distributed as I said earlier...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Um hesitation. As er I said.

SF: Oh was there?

NP: I think he was sort of running out of steam, I don't think he quite hesitated actually Clement. No, Stephen you were interrupted so you have another point for that, 15 seconds on meals on wheels starting now.

SF: Wagon wheels, I suppose you could, oh I've said "I suppose" again! I can't help it!


SF: What is the matter with me?

NP: Tony you challenged.

TH: Well actually, I don't know whether he did, but he certainly did say suppose about three times, saying that he said suppose.

SF: Yes.

NP: Tony you've got meals on wheels back with you, 12 seconds starting now.

TH: I think it's a marvellous idea to have meals on wheels, delivered to people who can't necessarily cook themselves that way...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You can't cook yourself!


SF: It'd sound weird in German!

NP: Yes! You get a bonus point for that Clement, Tony was interrupted, he gets a point for that, meals on wheels is with you Tony, oh, only three seconds to go starting now.

TH: A decrepit man waits at number 64...


NP: So at the end of that round Tony Hawks with points in the round and one for speaking as the whistle has increased his lead. In fact he's quite a way ahead of the other three who are almost equal in second place. And Julian Clary, your turn to begin, and the subject now is charming the birds out of the trees. I'm sure you can do that but tell us something about the subject in this game starting now.

JC: To charm the birds out of the trees is not nearly as difficult as you might imagine. You just stand very still, with a fist full of trill, and the darling little tweety birds will come hopping down, hop up along your arm, and much away with their little beaks. That's two littles, but no-one's noticed so far! I was once walking along Brighton sea front, where I enjoy a blow, ah, from the wind, and a seagull swooped down, clutched the ice cream that I'd been having, which was a King Cone I'll have you know, including crushed nuts, and ran off with it. I was outraged! So on that occasion I couldn't say that I did charm a bird out of the tree, because it was a seagull. And I don't think seagulls hang around in trees as far as I';m aware. I think they like a nice lamppost, don't they, or a nice boat. And they tend to eat fish, but this one was obviously very hungry...


NP: Well Julian Clary started with the subject, with some help from the other three, kept going till the end. The, er so Julian you kept going till the whistle, and you get a point for that, and you get a bonus point because you were not interrupted.

JC: Oh thank you.

NP: And Stephen your turn to begin, whistle blowers.

SF: Oh Lord.

NP: Yes tell us something about whistle blowers in this game starting now.

SF: One of the most ghastly types of person is the school sports referee, trotting backwards with a medicine ball under one arm, and a clipboard, telling you to play on the wing, and blowing a blasted whistle at you. And talking about offside and other such completely incalculable nonsenses. It's never made any sense to me! Always such pompous men, so healthy and so contemptuous of my preference for lying in the long grass with a slim volume of a French poet called Bougalair. Somehow they decided that this was not the stuff that proper schoolboys should be made of, and forced me to stand there as a three quarter or whatever they call these ghastly things in rugby union football...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I think that was the second ghastly.

SF: Oh was it? Yes.

NP: Ghastly, you had this ghastly master before. So Tony, well listened, 25 seconds, you tell us something about whistle blowers starting now.

TH: Nicholas Parsons will only work with the very finest whistle blowers in the country. Janet who is representing us this evening, is fine and got through rigourous auditions with Mister Parsons before she was accepted...


NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: I think you said Nicholas Parsons first, and then Mister Parsons.

NP: Yes, with Parsons he did repeat.

TH: Oh crikey! I thought I'd got round it cleverly, but no! I was a fool!

NP: No! So Stephen you have the subject back again, there are, 11 seconds are left, and ah, it's whistle blowers starting now.

SF: And usually these athletic tyrants spend their money on C and A blazers. Well actually that's rather tactless to you Nicholas. But nonetheless the thing is whistle blowers also applies to those people who work in some form of industry or government...


NP: So Stephen Fry with other points in the round, including one for speaking as the whistle went, has moved forward. He's now just in second place ahead of Julian Clary and Clement Freud. Tony Hawks is still in the lead, and Tony it's also your turn to begin. The subject is doppelganger. Will you tell us something about doppelganger in this game starting now.

TH: Frankfurt, 1807, Freydrich Doppelganger leaves his house for an audition, whistle blowing for Nicholas Parsons. It's the most exciting day of his life, and yet he is a dead ringer for that chairman himself. And that is how, I assume, they came up with this expression. Doppelganger meaning somebody who looks exactly like another. And...


NP: Oh and Clement has challenged.

CF: That's repetition.

NP: What?

CF: Looking like someone else!


NP: It's a repetitious thought, but he wasn't repeating any words in Just A Minute and that's what's this game's all about...

CF: No, a cheap laugh!

SF: What kind of name is Freydrich? For God's sake! Freydrich?

NP: Freydrich! So well tried Clement, it's not enough reaction from the audience for me to give you a bonus on this occasion! Right Tony you have the subject still, and you've got a point of course, 37 seconds, doppelganger starting now.

TH: Seven-42, Hamburg...


NP: Um right Stephen?

SF: Didn't we have those numbers before? Seven and the four, or...

NP: We had 17 before.

SF: Was it?

NP: Seventeen something...

CF: Well, seven!

TH: Eighteen something, it was, wasn't it.

NP: Eighteen something it was.

SF: Oh was it? Fair enough! Carry on!

NP: Right, doppelganger still with you Tony starting now.

TH: Fourteen-oh-five, Hans Doppelganger leaves the small hamlet where he has a small cottage...


NP: Yes?

SF: (speaks in German)

NP: Yes.

SF: Two smalls.

NP: Definitely two smalls.

TH: Were there? Okay.

NP: Well Stephen you've got in now, 27 seconds, doppelganger starting now.

SF: (speaks in German)


SF: Hello?

NP: Julian's challenged. Yes Julian?

JC: Well that's deviating, isn't it? A foreign language.

NP: No, he's still speaking, it's words, isn't it.

JC: Allegedly!

NP: Yes but it sounded correct to me. Twenty-four seconds, still with you Stephen, doppelganger starting now.

SF: Those are the words of Goethe, the...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Speaking English!


NP: All right!

SF: You've got to have your points!

NP: Oh we've got the Freud claque in! Right a bonus point to you Clement, because they enjoyed your interruption. It wasn't a challenge. And Stephen has another point for the interruption, 23 seconds, doppelganger Stephen starting now.

SF: (speaks in French) Paul Verlenne's poem of course. A doppelganger of that same poet lived next to me in Sheriff Road when I was in that part of the world. Extraordinary to have someone who was so entirely a simulican of another individual. Almost freakish! There was a belief, it's rather kind of you know, Tales Of The Unexpected, that if you saw your doppelganger, it meant you were going to die...


NP: So Stephen Fry, surging now and ah, surging forward in the game. I don't know what else that could mean otherwise. He's got a lot of points and one for speaking as the whistle went. He's now in a strong second place behind Tony Hawks, ahead of the other two. Clement it's your turn to begin, and the subject is the Oscars. Tell us something about that subject in the game starting now.

CF: The Oscars takes place annually in Los Angeles to give prizes to the best of the kind, as Crufts do with dogs. Oscars do with producers, directors, actors and so on. The only Oscars I know are Lewinstein, Gomalkar, Quittac...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I think he was hesitating on his fourth Oscar.

NP: I know, yes it was quite, quite a challenge, wasn't it, getting the Oscar into the surname that followed. Thirty-eight seconds, the Oscars with you Tony starting now.

TH: Nineteen-thirty-six, Los Angeles, Freydrich Doppelganger leaves the film set, knowing that this year he is going to win for his cinematography in the marvellous film (speaks in German)...


SF: I've forgotten your birthday, that was in German.

NP: Julian you challenged.

SF: I've forgotten your birthday, that was in German. (speaks in German)

JC: Deviation on that account.

NP: What's that?

JC: It was deviation on that account, that he was just talking nonsense.

NP: Um ah yes he was because that, ah apparently...

JC: He was.

SF: There was no 1936 film made in Los Angeles called (speaks in German).

TH: That's why he didn't win the Oscar!

SF: But you said... (laughs)

NP: And how clever of you to have understood the German, too Julian.

JC: I am bifocal, thank you!

CF: He got the sex wrong for (speaks German).

SF: (speaks in German)

CF: (speaks in German), not (speaks in German)

SF: Quite right!

TH: Yes, doppelganger was a transsexual, we all know that!

NP: I don't think it makes any difference because Julian has got the subject and there are 22 seconds Julian on the Oscars starting now.

JC: I was nominated for an Oscar for my role in Carry On Columbus. And I went along to Los Angeles. Who should I find sitting next to me, but, but Madonna?


NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: Two buts, but but Madonna.

NP: I know...

JC: It was but but.

SF: But but.

JC: But but.

SF: Disgusting!

NP: Well, you might well hesitate after meeting Madonna. Twelve seconds with you Stephen, the Oscars starting now.

SF: The statuette was designed by Cedric Gibbons, the great art director or production designer of the MG Metro Goldwyn Mayer studios. And ah a remarkable thing about it was that it was apparently called that because ah an Uncle Oscar was...


SF: Yes?

NP: Tony challenged.

SF: Oh dear!

TH: Repetition of ah!


SF: You swine!

NP: I can't give you two points, one for hesitation, one for repetition. But you get one point and the subject and you've cleverly got in with one second to go. Oh you've won no friends, but you have the subject, the Oscars starting now.

TH: Ten-sixty...


NP: At the end of that round Tony Hawks with other points there has increased his lead, but he's not a lot ahead of Stephen Fry, and then just behind him are Julian Clary and Clement Freud equal. And Stephen it's your turn to begin, the subject is playing a proscenium arch, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

SF: Well I ought to describe to our radio listeners, that we're actually on a stage here at the Old Vic in the Waterloo area of London, and it is a famous theatre which has a proscenium arch. That's to say, you know when the curtains come across, rather than one of those thrust apron sort of things that they have at other modern places for theatrical entertainment. It's a tradition which I cling to. It means you have an audience on one side, and you have the boards to tread, the rostrum, the dais, or whatever you want to call it. And there's a definite kind of atmosphere, a tingle that you get from being in a place like this. A special something that comes from playing a proscenium arch. The proscaenow in Latin theatre which derived from the Greek of that type, was of course a much rounder amphitheatrical structure. However we've...


SF: Yes?

NP: Julian you challenged.

JC: I think we had two theatricals.

NP: Yes.

SF: Amphitheatrical is one word.

NP: Amphitheatrical you see.

SF: As in an amphitheatre.

JC: Well I'm not going to argue! But I thought you said...

NP: No, he struggled out, he did have theatrical and this is amphitheatrical, it is one word. So ah Stephen you still have the subject and you have 15 seconds on playing a proscenium arch starting now.

SF: As a result, what you have is wings to the left and the right, known as prompt and opposite P. And this gives again as I say...


SF: Oh!

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Well it's not known as opposite P!

SF: Yes, O-P.

NP: It is O-P yes.

SF: It is yeah.

TH: Opposite P, is it?

SF: Yes, O-P...

TH: Well I'm just going for an opposite P now!

NP: O-P, right, which is opposite prompt actually. Um, eight seconds for you Stephen, playing a proscenium arch starting now.

SF: What I could be said to be doing now as I address these lovely people here on the royal circle or in the stalls, is playing a proscenium arch...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of playing.

SF: No, it's on the card, darling.

NP: It's on the card. Yes but I think you did it because he hasn't been playing it for a few years, and hadn't spotted it. Anyway two seconds still with you Stephen, playing a proscenium arch starting now.

SF: And there's nothing I would rather be doing!


NP: So at the end of that round, Stephen Fry started that subject and actually finished with it, got a lot of points in the round, and has really surged forward. From, because at one time he was trailing all of them. But now he's only one point behind our leader Tony Hawks. And equal in third place are Clement Freud and Julian Clary, but they're a few points behind the other two. I mention all that because we're moving into the final round.

SF: Ah!

NP: Tony a lovely theatrical subject. I don't know where we're going to go with this one, I'm a bit nervous of it. But it is what the actress said to the bishop. We're rather laying ourselves open here, but we'll risk it, and say Tony, it's your turn to begin, so take that subject, go for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

TH: Nineteen-twenty-two, the bishop, Freydrich Doppelganger is entertaining the lead actress of his production (speaks German). Everybody wants to know what the actress said to the bishop on that day. But nobody there spoke German and was able to take it down. And so it has fallen down the ages for us...


NP: Right, yes Stephen.

SF: Two downs.

NP: Down the ages and down, taking it down. Right, 37 seconds are available Stephen, what the actress said to the bishop starting now.

SF: Knowing actresses, it's most likely to be did you "catch my Hedda Garbler, my Lord Bishop?" rather than anything of the double entrendre kind which we associate of course with that phrase, do we not? They might also say "you are aware, are you not..."


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I think repetition of say.

SF: Oh yes.

NP: Yes.

SF: Very likely.

NP: Tony another point to you, 25 seconds, continue, what the actress said to the bishop starting now.

TH: What the actress said to the bishop is something which isn't necessarily that relevant to us today. But I suppose because it's the subject, that makes it magnificently so. So I'll just carry on, pretending that I never even said that. What the actress said to the bishop is commonly perceived to be rude! But I happen to know because I was there, the first actress speaking to the...


NP: So Tony Hawks somehow kept going till the whistle went without embarrassing any of us...

SF: (laughs) I wouldn't say that!

NP: Let me give you the final situation. Clement Freud finished in third place, alongside Julian Clary who really shone this week. And Stephen Fry who also shone exceptionally well last time, shone again. But he was just two points behind Tony Hawks so we say Tony, you are our winner this week! It only remains for me to say thank you to these four fine, intrepid and talented players of the game, Stephen Fry, Julian Clary, Tony Hawks and Clement Freud. I also thank Janet Staplehurst, who has helped to keep the score, and she's blown her whistle with great accuracy and aplomb. We thank our producer, who is Chris Neill. And we are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And we are very grateful to this lovely audience here at the Old Vic Theatre, in the Waterloo area of London who have come again from all parts of the metropolis to cheer us on our way, have fun. We've enjoyed ourselves, I hope you have. From the audience, from me Nicholas Parsons, and from the panel, good-bye, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute!