WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and LIZA GODDARD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 March 1983)
NOTE: Liza Goddard's first appearance, and only radio appearance.
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Liza Goddard in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. This week as you've heard we welcome three of our regulars. And we welcome a beautiful lady guest who has never played the game before, and has come nobly to do battle against these three trojans of Just A Minute, and her name is Liza Goddard. Welcome Liza! And they're all going to try and speak at different times, we hope, on the subject that I give them, and they all try and do it as usual without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. Kenneth, let's begin with you, the subject is getting stung. Would you tell us something about that in the game starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Getting stung is a very unpleasant experience. And the first time in my life I recall it happening was a stinging nettle. And luckily there was a rural expert to hand who said to me "grab hold of a handful of dock leaves and rub in the juices". Well it worked like a dream! On another occasion however, when it was a wasp, oh I come up the size of a football! And they said 'rub on pomangulated pot ash..."
NP: Liza Goddard has challenged.
LIZA GODDARD: I think rub twice.
KW: Oh she's sharp, isn't she!
NP: Yes you rubbed in the juice of the dock leaves, and you rubbed on the pomangulated pot ash. Liza Goddard you have challenged first, and that's one point to you because it's a correct challenge and you have 30 seconds to take over the subject of getting stung starting now.
LG: Well of course getting stung is a very nasty experience. But I believe the best thing for most stings is vinegar which you rub on frequently and then the ah...
NP: Derek challenged.
DEREK NIMMO: A rather mean hesitation. A mean challenge I thought. Really...
NP: Well it was only mean because the fact she hasn't played the game before. But she did pause for quite a long time Derek. So you take the subject having gained a point, 13 seconds are left and you start now.
DN: I was stung by a particularly nasty adder in the jungles of Malaysia. They called for the flying doctor who landed and took me into Kuala Lumpur where I was administered to by the most able doctor and nurse. And it's thanks to them...
NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, and he does it with fire and panache, it tell us that 60 seconds is up. Whoever speaks at that moment gains an extra point, it was Derek Nimmo and of course he has the lead at the end of the first round. Peter Jones will you take the next round, the subject is escapology. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.
PETER JONES: Well I think escapology is really another branch of conjuring. It relies on a tremendous amount of fakery. You have locks that are really not genuine. As you get into the sack or up your... jumper or wherever it is...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
NP: Yes, "up your", and then you hesitated as indeed you should! Um Kenneth you have the subject and there are 39 seconds on escapology starting now.
KW: The greatest exponent of this was unquestionably Houdini! Shall we ever forget the accounts, reproduced incidentally in the most incredible volumes, especially the one where in a tank of water, visible to the entire audience in the theatre, he was chained, and yet miraculously, the whole thing fell off. And the victorious performer was greeted with the most thunderous applause, you've never seen anything like it in all your born days! And one...
NP: Well the audience appreciation is enough to show how much they admired the way you handled that one Kenneth, and kept going, almost pausing but never quite tripping into it. And so you were speaking as the whistle went, you've gained another point, and you've doubled your score.
KW: Yes! I'm in the lead?
NP: No, you have two points, and you're one behind Derek Nimmo who is in the lead. Liza Goddard and Peter Jones have one apiece, and Derek begins the next round, the subject, mending a puncture. Derek tell us something about that in 60 seconds if you can starting now.
DN: Mending a puncture is a singularly dreary subject to be given on Just A Minute. But if I do have to mend a puncture, I go first of all to the boot of my motor car, and there extract the tools that are required for this operation. Then I place the jack under the car, and put...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Car twice.
NP: Yes you mentioned the car before. So Kenneth, listening with tremendous aplomb this week, 43 seconds on mending a puncture Kenneth, starting now.
KW: You take hold of your inner tuuuuuube and with a pail of water which it's advisable to have handy, you then discover what is the area which is actually leaking. If you don't find that out, you might as well give up from the start. But having ascertained this particular part of the tuuuuuuuuuuuuube...
NP: Oh! Yes Derek?
DN: Elongated and double tube!
KW: No, the first was inner tube which is hyphened, you fool!
NP: No it's not! You can wriggle, like that. He's thrown himself in abandonment on to Liza Goddard who's sitting beside him, much to her embarrassment. The way he pulled out the tube, realising the mistake, you should have carried on Kenneth. So Derek has a correct challenge, 14 seconds, mending a puncture Derek starting now.
DN: I take the spanner and remove the bolts from the wheel. Then I remove the rubber on the wheel...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Two removes, repetition.
NP: Yes that's right, and very devious I thought, trying to use a spanner on the bolts of your car. I mean a ah, one of those things would have been much better. It's not very good on radio...
DN: It's not very devious! Of course you can use a spanner!
PJ: What is the subject? It's been a long time!
KW: Mending a puncture! Mending a puncture! That's the subject, you great fool! You should listen!
PJ: What was that, Kenneth?
KW: Oh dear oh dear! He can't hear, you know! He's deaf!
NP: There are seven seconds for you Kenneth on mending a puncture starting now.
PJ: When I was at school, I used to mend my punctures by the light of an ascetaline lamp, which was a very primitive affair and it was difficult...
NP: Peter Jones was not only speaking when the whistle went, gaining that extra point, but spoke, sorry gained points during the round, so he's now equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo, closely followed by Kenneth Williams and Liza Goddard. And she takes the next round. It is Humpty Dumpty. Liza can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.
LG: Humpty Dumpty is of course a nursery rhyme. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great...
PJ: Oh no!
NP: Peter Jones challenged.
PJ: Sorry, my ah, something the matter with my hand. It just seemed to ah... a sort of reflex...
NP: Come off it, you suddenly realised Humpty Dumpty was the subject!
PJ: Yes I did indeed yes yes.
NP: And she's allowed to repeat it. Not indefinitely but she can repeat it two or three times.
PJ: Yes yes.
NP: So Liza you've done well up to now, there are 52 and a half seconds left on Humpty Dumpty starting now.
LG: Great fall. All the King's horses and all the King's...
LG: Oh piddle!
NP: It's a miserable game, isn't it.
LG: Oh yes!
NP: Yes. Ghastly! Derek Nimmo you've got in on Humpty Dumpty...
NP: ... and you have 49 seconds starting now.
DN: Of course actually Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall is a riddle, the answer to which as you all know, is an egg, which isn't very exciting. But in days gone by they thought this was quite amusing. Like "why did a chicken cross the road? To get to the other side." All those little jokes that children particularly enjoy. But there is some historical evidence that the original Humpty Dumpty was Richard the Third who if you remember...
NP: Liza Goddard challenged.
LG: No, it was George the Third!
NP: Yes you're right!
DN: She's not!
NP: Well done! You see it's good to have intelligent people on.
DN: It was Humpty Dumpty because he had a crook back!
LG: No, no, no, no!
NP: No, no, it wasn't. Wasn't he... keep it for the show, keep it for the game. Liza you have a correct challenge, you have a point of course and there are 27 seconds left, Humpty Dumpty starting now.
LG: Humpty Dumpty is based on George the Third who went mad, therefore the crack in the egg when he fell off the wall. And his father...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of wall, Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
NP: I know, what a mean thing!
LG: Oh yes!
NP: You mentioned the wall before. But as she hasn't played the game, let's be generous with her...
DN: Oh all right. I don't mind.
NP: Because it is difficult to remember back, and I'm sure the audience would agree wouldn't you.
SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: So we won't charge any points but let Liza keep the subject and there are 19 seconds left, Humpty Dumpty starting now.
LG: Poor George... oh I said George again!
NP: I think you have to have it that time!
DN: (laughs) I'm so sorry, sorry it was a total reflex action. Because I'm very sorry, it's just you know...
NP: Seventeen seconds Derek on Humpty Dumpty starting now.
DN: There was a game that people used to play, they used to lift their skirts up in the air, women of course, I mean, not fellows, don't get me wrong. And they would fall backwards singing Humpty Dumpty, and then try and right themselves, which was rather difficult as you can imagine. And if they couldn't do that they had to employ chaps...
NP: So Derek gained more points in that round, and he's increased his lead. And Kenneth Williams begins the next round, the subject Kenneth, Rome. Can you tell us something about that capital city in 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well it's built as you know on seven hills, with the Vatican, as I suppose the jewel in the architectural crown. One thinks of that dome on which Michelangelo worked so assiduously, and Thomas Sierri who took over the incredibly intricate planning required for it. Almost equal in fact the doooooooooooomesssssss...
KW: Sssssss ssssss! See! You fell into it! You fell into it, didn't you! You fell, fools you see! They're fools! They fell into it, they thought I said dome again!
NP: Yes you, it was border line whether they, you know, you'd said it or not. But I think we'll give you the benefit of the doubt...
DN: Oh really?
NP: ... you kept going into domes...
DN: (laughs) Is that supposed to be a new rule?
KW: Don't argue with the chairman! Don't argue! The chairman's pronounced judgement!
DN: But he, I mean...
NP: Yes and the chairman's brilliant, isn't he?
KW: That's right!
DN: There ought to be a rule...
KW: Be quiet! I will not have the chairman's rule invoked!
DN: You shouldn't be allowed to go dooooooooooooooooome...
KW: If it comes to elongation of vowels, mate, you take the biscuit! I've never heard anyone stretch it out like you do! All that stuff about the women with their skirts going "ohhhhh"! Rubbish!
NP: You made your point, I think you cleverly elongated it into a plural, so we give you the benefit of the doubt Kenneth and you have a point of course and there are 40, 38 seconds on Rome starting now.
KW: The pleasures and palaces where 'ere may I roam,
Be it ever so humble...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of palaces.
KW: I never said anything about palaces at all! You're making these things up, aren't you! Trying to put me off! Well it won't work! It won't work, I'll tell you that much mate! It just won't work! Oh no! I'm not going to be put down!
NP: Now he's in that sort of fighting mood this week!
KW: Yes! I'd like to see anyone take advantage of me! I should love it! Are we ready?
NP: Yes we're ready, there are 34 seconds on Rome, with you Kenneth starting now.
KW: I have roamed in many a foreign clime. And nowhere have I enjoyed it more than on the banks of the Bosporus, because you know, when you're roaming about Istanbul, you see these old pedlars on the...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Now he's talking about Istanbul! He's roamed too far from ah, from Rome!
NP: Well no, no, we, we, the subject is roam and it's how you wish to hear it on your ear. So you can talk about roaming or the city of Rome...
PJ: Yeah but he was talking about the city of Rome, obviously, with the seven hills, it was built on seven hills.
NP: I know but he's now talking about roaming. He's established that he's roamed down to the Bosporus and he's roamed this way...
KW: I don't know how you put up with them Nicholas, I really don't!
NP: People have said that to me when it comes to you sometimes...
KW: Talk about patience on a monument! You're absolutely tremendous!
NP: Kenneth, I'm overwhelmed! And I don't know what to say except that you have another point...
KW: Well thank you, my darling!
NP: And you keep the subject, and I wish you'd keep your private life to yourself! And there are 17 seconds on Rome starting now.
KW: It was the scene, of course, as we all know, of that outrageous attack upon the Pontiff. And one of the delightful things...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Was he attacked in Istanbul?
NP: No, he was not attacked in Istanbul but...
PJ: But what is he talking about? Rome or Istanbul?
NP: He's talking about both! He's taking the subject of Rome as the city and roaming. And you can go whichever way you like, as long as you don't deviate from the subject. Kenneth you were not deviating from Rome and there are 11 seconds left starting now.
KW: One thinks of Marcus Araelius sitting there watching those incredible spectacles in the arena. When incidentally Hadrian was forced to watch the same thing, he said he'd prefer...
NP: So at the end of that round we have an interesting situation in the score. Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams are equal in the lead, and Peter Jones and Liza Goddard are equal in second place, a few points behind. Derek will you begin the next round, the subject is word processors. Tell us something about those in the game starting now.
DN: A friend of mine called Mister Sultan from the Oman has a word processor. He happens to be the only chartered surveyor in the whole of Arabia and therefore it is terribly necessary for him. They are very interesting machines and they are going to totally revolutionise our whole lives. I hope the audience are aware of this because word processors can plump up on the video screen everything that you need to know. And you can put them, all kinds of information back into them, and send letters to people across the globe. Oh my goodness me! The thing I want for Christmas is a word processor! So I hope my life who is in the audience is beginning to save up for one. Because it's going to absolutely change out of all recognition my every morning, afternoon, evening and night. Because when I have my word processor, I'll be able to feed into it A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, M, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y...
NP: Ah well done Derek! A great ploy and very funny as well! And when someone begins with the subject, he not only gets an extra point for speaking as the whistle went, but also one for not being interrupted. Derek you have two well deserved points there and you have increased your lead. Liza Goddard your turn to begin, the subject is shopping. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
LG: I absolutely hate shopping in supermarkets! Get a wonky trolley and push it round, putting in all the comestibles that you need, sugar, bacon, flour, washing up liquid, loo rolls, etcetera. And then you have to get to the queue and wait for half an hour while everybody is getting their things. And then you have to pay them and it takes forever, and then you have to find a box...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Three you, "then you have to"s.
NP: Then you have to.
DN: I'm sorry, I did let the first...
LG: You did, yes, no, you've been very generous!
NP: No, no, no...
DN: Sorry because I too know a lady when I see one!
NP: And far too pretty for radio as well!
DN: Yes, much, much too pretty!
NP: Ah Derek you have the subject, shopping, and there are 38 seconds left starting now.
DN: I agree with Liza. My wife takes me to a supermarket, and gives me a trolley with one wheel that only turns left! And why she does this I have never been to understood. She takes me shopping and then completely ignores me. We were walking along Regent Street the other day and she... stopped in a doorway...
NP: Liza Goddard challenged.
NP: Yes I think so that was a hesitation. So Liza you have a correct challenge, you have 22 seconds on shopping starting now.
LG: So I now only ever use the local corner shop. Where dear Harold, I put my list in on Thursday, and he packs everything into a box and delivers it about two hours later. The service is immaculate...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Well that isn't really shopping. That's...
NP: I don't see why not!
PJ: ... ordering things and having them collected.
NP: It's a form of... it's a subtle challenge but I disagree. It is a way to go shopping and that's how Liza does her shopping...
PJ: She doesn't go! She just said so! She stays at home!
LG: I do go! I do go!
NP: She has to go and deliver her list. And after all, if you're a busy and successful actress like Liza Goddard, you'd have to do that.
PJ: Yes well, of course I'm not a busy and successful actress...
LAUGHTER FROM KW, NP AND THE AUDIENCE
KW: Oh the idea of him in a wig and high heels! Going round with his little trolley! Oh it's terribly funny, isn't it!
NP: He could take his list to the corner shop as well! Ah...
PJ: Yes! It'd be a surprise for Harold!
NP: I'd love to see Harold call on you as well. There are eight seconds left Liza, you keep the subject, shopping starting now.
LG: Whereas shopping for clothes is really very pleasurable. You walk in, particularly in a big clothing store and...
NP: So Liza Goddard, our first time guest, started with the subject and finished with it, in spite of interruptions, got a point for speaking as the whistle went. But alas, she's still in third place, but not far behind Kenneth Williams, and a little way behind our leader Derek Nimmo, but ahead of Peter Jones. Kenneth your turn to begin the next round, the subject is my gold spun hair. Ian Messiter's obviously chosen this especially for you, you have referred to it many times over the years. Talk about it if you can in the game starting now.
KW: My hair has been described as spun gold. And people have said they would love to run through it bare foot. But alas, this cannot be allowed, lacakaday and rue! Since we're not being visible to everybody, they cannot share the experience this audience is having tonight. They're throbbing with it! You can see they actually adore the business of being able to see with their own eyes this incredible hair. I know for an absolute fact that you can wash it wrongly, and I've never made that mistake of doing it with washing up liquid and stuff like that. Always use the very best shampoo and lather it and luxuriate in all the suds, you know. Oh I make quite a meal of it, in the bath, I can tell you! And what more pleasurable than to have the shower washing it all out! And then...
NP: Well that must be quite a unique situation where somebody started with the subject and finished with it twice!
DN: Especially, especially when he's grey!
LAUGHTER FROM DN, NP AND THE AUDIENCE
KW: I think some people enjoy being unkind! It's not in me! It's not in me! It's not in me at all! I'm just without malignance! I'm so benign, you see!
NP: Kenneth, anyway, you got two points then, one for speaking as the whistle went as well as the interruption...
KW: Peter Jones has dropped off!
PJ: No I'm just ah...
NP: For not being interrupted, I should say. And you're now in second place, one behind Derek Nimmo. And Peter Jones begins the next round and the subject is alternative methods of transport. Peter will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: Well failing a pony and trap, which I should rather like, but it would be unkind to the animal in London I suppose. Would be an electric car, that's what I think I'd like. With a battery which would charge during the night. And then I should nip out in the morning with this little... car...
NP: Liza Goddard challenged.
NP: Yes I agree Liza.
PJ: Hesitation yes.
NP: There are 41 seconds left for alternative methods of transport starting now.
LG: I have my own alternative method of transport, that is a horse. She is called Olive and she is a Hanoverian. She is 16...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Three shes.
DN: Oh that is mean!
NP: Rather mean on a first time guest.
LG: That's right though.
KW: There were three of them!
DN: Oh that's really mean.
LG: That's right.
KW: I'm afraid there were three of them, and lady or no lady, you can't have three shes.
DN: If you can't recognise a lady...
KW: There were three of them, you great fool! You want to listen!
NP: I think we're going to show the chivalry that the panellists of Just A Minute normally extend to first time guests, especially when they're as lovely as Liza Goddard. And say we will not count such a mean challenge...
DN: Quite right!
NP: ... and tell her to continue with 33 seconds on alternative methods of transport starting now.
LG: And I ride...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: It was a disgraceful hesitation! Obvious, wasn't it!
KW: Hesitation, yes they all agree.
NP: No, 32 seconds for you Liza to continue having got another point on alternative methods of transport starting now.
LG: I ride every morning. I get up at eight o'clock and I put on my jodhpurs and jumper and tie and shirt and I go to the stables, taking the saddle. And I clean her feet, I brush her down, I paint her hooves with oil...
KW: Three hers again!
NP: All right, on this occasion as we've been generous already on the shes, we will grant you the hers. But we still think it is a tough and er challenge for a first time guest. But Kenneth it was correct, there are 18 seconds on alternative methods of transport starting now.
KW: One of them is the magic carpet. Now I would love to be transported to some alien place I'd never seen before...
PJ: Istanbul, I suppose!
LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE
KW: What did he say? What did he say? What did he say?
NP: Where you went roaming, earlier on. Istanbul.
KW: Yes. What happened?
NP: Istanbul, where you went roaming, earlier on.
KW: Oh! Oh I see! Well what's so funny about that anyway?
NP: Well the audience enjoyed it anyway. I tell you what we do, we give...
KW: It must be the weather! They're affected by the sun! It must be the sun!
NP: I think we must genuinely give Derek Nimmo a bonus point for a good challenge because the audience enjoyed...
KW: What did Derek Nimmo challenge?
NP: Kenneth, Kenneth still gets a point...
KW: Derek Nimmo didn't challenge anything!
DN: I didn't, I didn't speak!
NP: Your light came on!
DN: I know! I challenged, he just chipped in, you haven't even listened to my challenge!
NP: All right Mister Nimmo, I've got in front of me a box with four lights...
DN: I know...
NP: ... and buzzers...
DN: Well I did challenge, but you didn't ask me what my challenge was, you just listened to his sort of chip-in from the side.
NP: Oh it was, it was Jones who was witty?
DN: Jones said Istanbul!
NP: Well it's Jones gets the bonus point then! Peter Jones gets the bonus point...
DN: Would you ask me what my challenge was?
NP: I will ask you...
NP: Derek Nimmo, I'm sorry, we have to be so formal...
DN: That's all right.
NP: And sir, Nimmo, what was your challenge?
DN: Repetition of I.
NP: Shut up!
DN: He said three Is! I counted them!
NP: Right, Peter Jones gets a bonus point for a good challenge which the audience enjoyed, Kenneth...
DN: He didn't challenge!
NP: Kenneth Williams keeps the subject, having got, and there are 12 seconds left starting now.
KW: There's the balloon! How delightful it is to be sailing over the country, almost like a patchwork quilt spread out below, all the pasture visible, and no...
NP: Well Kenneth Williams was not only speaking when the whistle went...
KW: That must mean I'm in the lead! It must mean I'm in the lead! Aren't I? What's the marks?
NP: Oh control yourself for a few moments! I've got to wind up. I'd got it all worked out in my mind how I was going to say it, it's all gone now! I was going to say that Kenneth Williams not only brought that round to an end with great style but he's brought this particular programme to an end. He started this particular programme, finished this particular programme, and he's also finished up our winner. But before you applaud him, let me tell you that Peter Jones finished up in fourth place, a few points behind Liza Goddard, our first time guest, who got a lot of points. And she was only three behind Derek Nimmo. But he was two behind this week's winner, the man with the gold spun hair,Kenneth Williams!
KW: Thank you! Well deserved! Well deserved! Oh bravo! Bravo! And lovely with it! Isn't he!
NP: That extra long applause was because Kenneth Williams played to the audience outrageously here in the studio! So we do apologise if you got a bit bored with all the applause at home. But anyway we've enjoyed doing it, we've enjoyed playing Just A Minute, we hope you've enjoyed listening to it. And wherever you're listening, in which ever part of the universe that you happen to pick up Just A Minute, we hope that you'll want to tune in again and hear us take to the airwaves and carry on playing this delightfully impossible and ridiculous game. Thank you, bye-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.