WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring PAUL MERTON, KIT HESKETH-HARVEY, LIZA TARBUCK and CHARLES COLLINGWOOD, , chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 9 February 2004)
NOTE: Chris Neill's 50th show as producer, Susie Best's last appearance blowing the whistle.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!
NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners, not only in this country, but throughout the world. But also to welcome to the programme this week four of the most popular and entertaining exponents of this game who once again are going to display their verbal wit and intellectual dexterity as they try to speak on the subject I will give them, and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And they are, sitting on my right, Paul Merton and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And sitting on my left, Liza Tarbuck and Charles Collingwood. Please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Susie Best, and she is going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the City Varieties, which is a wonderful period music hall in great condition in the centre of that... and we have an audience in great condition as well, who have come from the lovely city of Leeds, in the centre of that great God's own county of Yorkshire. And to start the show this week, we're going to ask Charles Collingwood. So Charles the subject in front of me is four poster beds. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.
CHARLES COLLINGWOOD: I love lying in a four poster bed with almost anyone I can find, quite frankly. But mostly my wife, Judy Bennett, who of course you know plays Shula Archer. I like to take her away to a hotel which costs a fortune, and provide her with the most beautiful four poster bed. When we wake up in the morning, room service is brought to our room...
NP: Paul challenged.
CC: Room service and room!
NP: No, no, it's, it's...
PAUL MERTON: Can you spot the connecting word?
NP: And that was repetition. So Paul you were the first to challenge, you have a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject of four poster beds, 38 seconds starting now.
PM: There is something incredibly romantic about a four poster bed. I suppose it's the curtains or the drapes you can pull across and create a tiny little island where all the outside world disappears, and you have this wonderful love-nest. When I share a four poster bed with Charles Collingwood, we often have room service...
NP: Charles Collingwood challenged.
CC: Well he wasn't very good! Um...
LAUGHTER FROM PM, NP AND THE AUDIENCE
CC: I didn't, I didn't want him to bring this up! And er it is deviation, him and me, for him to bring this up...
NP: No, ah Charles, you can say anything you like in this show provided it's not libellous, I don't think that is. But your, yours was a delightful interruption...
NP: ... so we give you a bonus point for that, no, but it wasn't deviation within the rules of Just A Minute.
CC: I'm sorry.
NP: So Paul you get a point for a being interrupted, you keep the subject of four poster beds, 21 seconds starting now.
PM: You often see them in films about Henry the Eighth. I suppose, being King, he had the biggest four poster bed in the land made out of mighty oak, carved from that good English wood, made into a form that he could sleep his majestic frame, and command all the citizens of the country "bring me another wife, I have the four poster bed..."
NP: In this game whoever is speaking as the whistle goes gains an extra point, on this occasion it was Paul Merton. Will you take the next round, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, a call of nature. Now this could be difficult, couldn't it. I hope that you'll keep within the bounds of respectability as you talk on that subject starting now.
KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: Lying in my four poster bed, quite frequently I have to answer a call of nature. As did the narrator of Wuthering Heights, that majestic Yorkshire novel, when he woke up and saw this woman outside going "Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy, and I'm coming home!" She was as immemorial as the rocks from which she sprang. Another call of nature is (in Tarzan type call) "Ahh-ohhhhh-aaahhhhhh!"
NP: (laughing) I think I know what the challenge is!
PM: Well it's repetition of (Tarzan call) ahhhhhh!
KHH: No, no, that's, that's, that's wrong. No, you have to understand that chimp is an affected language...
NP: It was repetition.
KHH: ... and (Tarzan call) ahhhhhhhh is quite different from (Tarzan call) ohhhhhhhh because it means something quite other in chimp.
NP: No, it was a definite repetition of ahh!
PM: Yes! It was. You heard it, didn't you Nicholas?
NP: I heard it, yes. In fact it went on.
PM: In fact it woke you up, didn't it?
NP: Oh shut up Paul! Right I'm so fair, he's got a correct challenge, he has 39 seconds, a call of nature starting now.
PM: The owl, a beautiful bird, a nocturnal creature, will often call to its mates across the country side "too-wit" and more! And then it will make from its beautiful beak, it's golden throat (starts to laugh) the...
NP: Charles Collingwood, you challenged first.
CC: He did hesitate.
NP: Yes he did hesitate.
CC: As he broke into laughter.
NP: You have a point for that of course and you have the subject of a call of nature, 30 seconds starting now.
CC: I have to tell you that it's quite personal, this. Because sitting here, I could do with just popping out the back for about three minutes. Because I feel the call of nature here. But because I'm an old pro, I will soldier on and hold whatever it is I'd like to give forth inside me. Until the end of this great show. At which point I will depart and relieve myself, of an enormous quantity...
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Doesn't this come under the category of more information than we need?
CC: Isn't that what this show is?
NP: No, no, not more information than we need. More information but ah, so what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?
PM: I don't know if I've got one. I felt the flow had to stop!
NP: And I think you stopped it, and so we give you a bonus point for what you said because the audience enjoyed your interruption. But Charles was interrupted, what a pity! And try and get off the flow at the moment if you can Charles, with five seconds on a call of nature starting now.
CC: Sometimes I sit in my garden with the windows open, and I look at my...
NP: Liza you challenged.
LIZA TARBUCK: I did challenge because there was a slight hesitation.
NP: There was a hesitation, my darling.
LT: Between windows and...
NP: Right! Very clever, you've got in with one second to go on a call of nature starting now.
LT: Dogs barking...
NP: Sorry, Charles challenged you.
CC: I heard the (breathy sound) ahhh!
NP: I know.
CC: Like she heard in mine.
NP: That's right...
CC: A hesitation.
NP: Of course not! You, you, you ungallant player...
LT: I will never think of Bryan in the same way, you know.
CC: Very few women ever do!
NP: Another point to you Liza and half a second on a call of nature starting now.
LT: My dogs will trill...
NP: So Liza Tarbuck, speaking as the whistle went, and with others in the round, she's now equal with Charles Collingwood. And Paul Merton's just ahead and Kit Hesketh-Harvey is trailing a little. So Paul it's actually your turn to begin. Paul the subject is growing a moustache. You have grown one on occasions, I believe, but tell us something about the subject in this game starting now.
PM: Well it takes a great deal of talent. And you have to put the hours in. It's no good just waking up one morning and thinking I will grow a moustache by tomorrow, it just won't happen. You have to nurture your upper lip with a mixture of compost, potato peelings and floor polish. Plus if you can get hold of it from some of the Chinese shops specialising, the golden throat of an owl which you rip from the bird, and rub across the top part of your face, just underneath your nose. And before you know where you are, hairs begin to sprout, left, right and centre, making up the moustache. There have been many different types of moustaches over the years. Look at Adolf Hitler, he stole his from Charlie Chaplin! And it didn't do him any harm, did it? (laughs)
PM: I'm sorry, I...
NP: You dried yourself up, didn't you, such bizarre deviation...
PM: I know.
NP: It's absolutely wonderful.
PM: Just the idea of praising Hitler seemed to be a bit odd!
NP: And Kit's buzzer came on first, Kit there are 20 seconds on growing a moustache starting now.
KHH: Florence Nightingale's sister had a lavish cavalry job, which when a local portrait painter was going to render her in oils, the whole county was agog to see what he would make it. Strategically he placed her under a cedar tree, so that the shadow thereof passed across her upper lip and made her look slightly less like Lord Kitchener which otherwise she would have done. But it was considered rather attractive and...
NP: Yes so with some more bizarre thoughts there, but this time from Kit. Kit was speaking as the whistle went, he's moved forward. In fact Charles Collingwood, Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Liza Tarbuck are all equal in second place behind Paul Merton. And Charles your turn to begin, the subject, oh how apt for the time of year in which we are recording this, but also for this particular theatre, the City Varieties. Pantomime.
NP: Yes! And Charles you start, 60 seconds starting now.
CC: (singing) Having a wonderful time,
There's no concealing that you're feeling sublime,
The world's our oyster, and we haven't a care,
There must be champagne in the air!
Two, three, four, five, let's throw a party today,
Forget your head and let your heart have its way,
For Jack's a dull boy with all work and no play,
So just relax and we'll feel fine.
Enjoying a marvellous evening...
(speaking) Now I think that's really...
NP: So Kit you challenged.
KHH: Deviation from the home key, but it seems so childish, I'm sorry.
NP: As you have perfect pitch, I know you're right. So ah, but what I will do, Charles because it was a one-off, having a whole ditty like that, you get...
KHH: Please God, it was a one-off!
NP: You have a bonus point for your little ditty, which they all loved...
CC: Well I'm looking for work, Nicholas, quite frankly! And I think on the strength of that, I shan't be getting any! never mind!
NP: No! So Kit a correct challenge, 37 seconds on pantomime starting now.
KHH: I noticed here in the City Varieties, Leeds, they are giving Robin Hood and The Babes In The Wood a double whammy which gives rise to all sorts of possibilities. You get Mother Goose gets Aladdin or The Sleeping Beanstalk. Possibly even Puss In Dick, but maybe that is too strong for these lovely people. I hate pantomime. I'm with the little boy who said "every year at Christmas time,
I'm taken to the pantomime,
I think it's childish but we go,
Because Papa enjoys it is so."
It is the most grisly torture ever affected...
PM: Oh no it isn't!
SHOUTS FROM THE AUDIENCE OF "OH YES IT IS!"
NP: Well a very clever interruption from Paul, so we give him a bonus point for that interruption, because the audience enjoyed it so much. But Kit you had a correct challenge, no you were interrupted so you still keep the subject, five seconds on pantomime starting now.
KHH: I met my divine wife in pantomime at Brighton, the only time I've made an excursion into that ghastly art from, and the only...
NP: Yes we do have the impression Kit that you don't enjoy pantomime. But how could you have met your wife there if you never go to pantomime?
KHH: No, I was in it, that was very different.
NP: You hate it, and you were in it?
KHH: I wasn't very good. I was dreadful. She was marvellous, I was dreadful.
NP: You don't mind taking your crock of gold and ah...
KHH: Going to the end of the rainbow, 20 long years ago in Brighton.
NP: Liza your turn to begin, the subject is cooking a goose. Tell us something about cooking a goose starting now.
LT: I like to cook a fresh goose. That way you can leave the head on, so you've got something to gird under your arms as you're plucking the feathers from the said bird's body. It's also good because you can cut the head off the goose later and send it...
NP: Charles challenged.
CC: Two heads.
NP: Two heads.
LT: Did I?
PM: I'd love to know where it was going to be sent though.
LT: You'll have to let me win it back then!
NP: Right! A two headded goose, Charles you got in first, 48 seconds, cooking a goose starting now.
CC: I get hold of this large goose which has already been plucked. And I put cream all over the top, and bacon and butter. And I stuff its tummy full of onions. And then with the oven preheated, I put this enormous bird into my vast double so cooker. And there it stays for hours and a long time. And it becomes the crispiest, crunchiest, moistiest goose you've ever tasted...
NP: Kit challenged.
KHH: I'm sorry, moistiest.
LT: Moistiest, yes!
NP: No, no, I will give him the benefit of the doubt on this time. So Charles you have the benefit of the doubt, you keep the subject, cooking a goose, 14 seconds starting now.
CC: Fourteen seconds left before I open the door and remove this gorgeous moist bird...
NP: Liza challenged.
LT: He said big bird before and he said...
NP: He had a bird, yes, you mentioned the bird before.
LT: Two birds are...
CC: Better than one!
LT: Yeah! It's a good sandwich!
NP: You were putting your bird in the oven or pulling him out of the oven, I've forgotten which. Cooking a goose, six seconds are available starting now.
LT: You're going to need a very heavy bottomed tin to get this bird in the oven...
NP: Right so Liza was then speaking as the whistle went, and she's moved forward, and she's equal with Kit Hesketh-Harvey in third place, just behind Charles Collingwood and our leader who is still Paul Merton who also begins the next round. Paul the subject now is spoons. Tell us something about spoons in Just A Minutestarting now.
PM: Playing the spoons was an old Victorian trick that people used to get up to when they couldn't afford pianos or other musical instruments. They would get hold of the cutlery drawer, grab the spoons, and Grandad would start knocking out favourite rhythms of the day. The Relief Of Mafeking and all kinds of things like that had their own tunes. And people used to gather around the old spoon and say "go on then, Grandfather, play it as you've never before". And he did, what a magnificent tune he would get out of these pieces of cutlery...
NP: Charles challenged.
CC: Repetition of tune.
NP: Yeah, and cutlery, right.
PM: And cutlery.
CC: I can't go over the whole list, can I!
NP: Spoons is with you Charles, 24 seconds starting now.
CC: When you've prepared the goose, and it's on the table, you lay the places for your guests. Knives on the outside, working inwards to the spoon with its fork alongside. Or if you like...
NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey.
KHH: Never fork alongside the spoons!
NP: No, no...
KHH: Never! So sorry! Charles, I'm not coming to you for Christmas!
CC: I didn't hesitate or deviate, did I?
KHH: You deviated from English manners, and this is Radio Four!
CC: We can have our spoons where we like in our house, Kit!
KHH: Clearly you have!
NP: Yeah but you did establish that this, you did establish this was the conventional way. You didn't say "in our house we have the spoons..."
CC: Oh he's being so hard on me now! Are you, are you going to let him have that?
NP: Yes I've been kind to you and generous to you on the last one...
CC: Don't you point at me!
NP: So I'm giving the benefit of the doubt to, to Kit on this one. So Kit you have spoons and you have seven seconds starting now.
KHH: The rosiette spoonbill, a beautiful bird, jah-ha-jah-ah-ah-jah!
NP: Liza challenged.
LT: Deviation surely.
KHH: No it is the Latin name for spoonbill, jah-ah-jah-jah!
NP: Three seconds on spoons starting now.
LT: My cutlery drawer has an amazing array of different sized spoons...
NP: And so at the end of that round, Liza was speaking as the whistle went. She has moved forward with alacrity and she is now beside now Kit Hesketh-Harvey in third place, but only one point behind Charles Collingwood, and they're two or three points behind our leader Paul Merton. And Kit it's also your turn to begin again and the subject now is a dark horse. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
KHH: My favourite dark horse is Copenhagen, the sturdy mount ridden by by Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington at Waterloo. Named after the Danish capital, which was lucky. If it had been another town, he could have been called Naggersoff or even Arse, both of which are charming places in that fair country. But no, he returned to England to a hero's welcome, was cast in bronze and painted in oil...
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: That's not a hero's welcome! If you're cast in bronze! I mean what would they have done to him if they didn't like him?
NP: So what's your challenge within the rules of...
PM: Deviation, that's not a hero's welcome, being cast in bronze.
NP: It is actually, I mean...
PM: Is it?
KHH: Nicholas has been cast in bronze many times.
PM: Have you been cast in bronze Nicholas?
NP: I've just had...
KHH: You can buy him in Anne Summers.
NP: I've actually had a request quite recently to have a bronze made of my head.
PM: And are you wearing it tonight?
NP: So Kit I disagree with the challenge, you still have a dark horse starting now.
KHH: He was pensioned off and lived to the ripe old age of 27 at Strathfield Say. A dark horse can also mean somebody who comes from behind. Not in the Nicholas Parsons sense, but who wins...
LAUGHTER FROM KHH AND THE AUDIENCE
PM: What a slur!
CC: Hesitation of the worst sort! You blanched, I mean, quite rightly, your reaction, it was appalling...
KHH: He paled beneath his bronze, didn't he!
CC: And Kit could no longer continue to talk.
KHH: I'm sorry.
PM: It was slanderous!
KHH: The image was too disturbing, I'm sorry!
NP: And tell us something now about a dark horse in 27 seconds starting now.
CC: When I go horse racing, I love to see those dark horses. I walk around the paddock, feeling I'm going to put my shirt on that dark horse. Because I just know that when he gets to the last 200 furlongs it's going to be my...
PM: Two hundred furlongs?
NP: I don't think any race...
KHH: It's a dead horse!
CC: How little you know about this dark horse I'm telling you about! Stamina, eh!
NP: No, even that fellow who took the, the message to, to ah...
CC: Keep going!
KHH: Geddis to eye!
NP: And created the Olympic Games...
KHH: Oh him?
NP: ... the marathon...
NP: The one who ran from Marathon to bring the news, about 200 furlongs, and it wasn't 200 furlongs, I can assure you.
KHH: Nor was he a horse actually.
NP: Paul correct challenge, 14 seconds, a dark horse starting now.
PM: A dark horse as has been suggested is somebody who may be a rank outsider, or you're not sure about. Who suddenly comes through...
NP: Charles challenged.
CC: Two suddenlys.
NP: Two suddenlys, I'm afraid. So Charles you're listening well...
CC: Oh gracious!
NP: And you've got the subject back and you've six seconds on a dark horse starting now.
CC: I do feel that when you're introduced to someone who is told to be a dark horse, you should be slightly careful because there may be...
NP: So Charles Collingwood speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point, he's moving forward, he's now in second place, two behind Paul Merton.
CC: Oh he's a dark horse!
NP: And only one ahead of Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Liza Tarbuck. And Liza your turn to begin, the subject now is the classifieds. Can you tell us something about that unusual subject in this game starting now.
LT: Turn to the back pages of any newspaper anywhere and you will find the classifieds. You're after a handyman, if you want an extra wide-fitting shoe, you want to share a flat in Kingston...
NP: Charles challenged.
CC: Two wants.
NP: Yes I'm afraid so.
LT: I'm rubbish at this, aren't I!
CC: You're not!
KHH: No, you're divine!
LT: That was my sympathy line!
CC: Eh? You still lost then!
KHH: It's a lovely incantation!
NP: Charles, 49 seconds, tell us something about the classifieds starting now.
CC: When I look at the back of a newspaper, and I see that list of advertisements for jobs that I could so easily do, but I choose to be an actor instead, I think where might I have...
NP: Who's challenged? Liza challenged.
LT: (laughs) I just fancied it!
CC: What, now?
CC: Oh sorry! What?
LT: I don't know, no, that was rubbish!
CC: Bitterness I think.
NP: Yeah he said all the jobs he thought he could do. I don't think he could do all the jobs that are in the classifieds.
CC: I look at the list and see all the jobs that I could do.
LT: Come on!
NP: I think the benefit of the doubt to Liza on that one. Classifieds back with you Liza starting now.
LT: You want a big sack of Narcissi? Well look in the classifieds, you're sure to find them. Hanging baskets, perhaps a Tourlette's signs over houses that you require from sutton to...
NP: Paul challenged.
NP: That was a hesitation yes. Tell us something about the classifieds Paul, and you have 28 seconds starting now.
PM: Well there's an extraordinary world that is unveiled in the classifieds. You look at fridge freezer, only used once. And you wonder to yourself what domestic argument has occurred over this particular piece of machinery, that it should only be operated on the own...
NP: Charles challenged.
CC: There were two onlys.
PM: I was in the middle of the second one! It might have become onlies!
NP: No, no...
CC: You didn't like the way I spoke earlier, darling!
NP: Well he's calling him darling now, you obviously were in that double bedroom! Right the ah, 11 seconds Charles, the classifieds starting now.
CC: Classifieds have to be looked with great care...
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Deviation, classifieds have to be looked with great care? That's just nonsense!
CC: There might have been an at coming up.
PM: When he hasn't got a script in his hand, he doesn't make any sense at all! It's just nonsense!
NP: Ah Paul...
CC: Do you mind if I just have one of my tablets please?
NP: No, no, I'm just going to show Charles how fair I am in this situation. Because I think colloquially, people have been known to say "I looked with great care". And so I don't think it was sufficient deviation...
PM: Yes but if he had said those words, I wouldn't have challenged!
CC: Do you know, if you'd refereed England-Australia in the World Cup, we'd have stuffed Australia! He's, he's so kind, isn't he.
CC: Oh I'm really with you.
NP: Well you were getting so temperamental a moment ago...
LT: You've changed your tune!
NP: Yes he's changed his tune. Right, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt Charles, seven seconds, the classifieds starting now.
CC: When I look...
NP: And Kit challenged.
NP: Yeah hesitation. He, he gets tense if you don't like the decision, you're generous to him when he gets one and then he just dries up! Oh dear these Archers! Right...
PM: You can't hang about, can you!
NP: Kit you've got five seconds on the classifieds starting now.
KHH: Elderly incontinent gentleman seeks aardvark for erotic adventure, apply Nicholas Parsons OBE...
NP: What I have to put up with in this game! But it's all grist to the mill isn't it. Right, what's the situation because we're going to move into the last round I'm afraid. Oh yes, but we've enjoyed it as much as you so that's great. Oh very interesting. Charles Collingwood with a little bit of panache has moved forward, he's equal in the lead with Paul Merton, but only two points behind is Kit Hesketh-Harvey...
CC: (in Bruce Forsyth voice) Good game! Good game!
NP: And only three points behind is Liza Tarbuck. It's anybody's contest if you're interested in the points. You're more interested in the humour aren't you.
SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Good, that's what we like! A grand finale, sorry that is the subject actually, I didn't realise that. So Paul it's actually your turn to begin and the subject is a grand finale, 60 seconds starting now.
PM: As we sit here in this magnificent music hall, built in the 19th century, we can think back to the wonderful show that finished here on a grand finale. Who can forget the dear old queen, Danny LaRue, as he used to wander out and regale the audience with his marvellous jokes and repartee and songs and witty costumes. It was magnificent. And then the acrobats would come out for the grand finale and they would toss each other across the stage and it was a magnificent sight...
NP: Ah Kit you challenged.
KHH: Two magnificents in the nick of time, I think.
NP: There was.
PM: Was there?
NP: There was another magnificent earlier on. So Paul, so Kit, a correct challenge, you have grand finale, you have 32 seconds starting now.
KHH: My favourite grand finale is the final moment of Cebellius's majestic... (starts to laugh)
NP: Charles challenged.
CC: Well he completely cracked up!
NP: I know!
KHH: It's very funny if you listen to it apparently.
CC: Can we have a go then?
NP: Right, you're the only person in this show who cracks himself up.
KHH: I'm sorry!
NP: It's amazing!
KHH: Nobody else laughed!
NP: You've got in, you've got in with 27 seconds on a grand finale starting now.
CC: With 27 seconds left, I feel a grand finale building up in this beautiful theatre. The audience are on tenterhooks as they are waiting for that whistle to be blown, and for Charles Collingwood, they hope, to score a final extra point. But will it happen, we don't know...
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: I don't think it will! I, I, just can't see it happening!
NP: Right, well within the rules of Just A Minute, you get a bonus point for that, for that remark which the audience loved.
CC: That could snatch victory from the jaws of defeat!
KHH: Oh no!
NP: But on the other hand he wasn't deviating...
NP: ... within the rules of Just A Minute. So 10 seconds still with you, on a grand finale Charles starting now.
CC: The atmosphere now in this theatre...
NP: Kit you challenged.
KHH: Repetition of atmosphere.
CC: Well you ruined it for me! He ruined it! I could, you don't know how temperamental I can get, Mister Merton! Just because you hear me being a butch farmer on the radio! I can scream!
NP: It was Kit Hesketh-Harvey who challenged.
CC: I don't care! Either of those two gentlemen over there! I'm sick of this game now! Come on darling, let's go home, Miss Tarbuck.
LT: Everybody's been nice to me!
CC: When you think what I've been through this afternoon.
NP: You sound as though you've changed your sexual proclivities all of a sudden!
CC: Sorry, darling, I'm so sorry.
NP: Ah Kit you had a correct challenge, you have eight seconds on a grand finale starting now.
KHH: Just think of it, Charles Collingwood on his dark horse, his lush moustache screaming in the breeze, clutching his goose...
NP: Um Paul challenged.
PM: Deviation, he does not have a lush moustache
KHH: I was just thinking of it! I just said "just think of it". I wasn't implying literal fact.
NP: This is true, you were saying "just think of it", weren't you. Right, so what do I do? Um...
CC: Give it to me, love.
PM: It's deviation, he has no moustache.
NP: He has no moustache.
KHH: I was just thinking of it. I was thinking of it, thinking of him with a moustache.
NP: No, he hasn't got a lush moustache. Right, benefit of the doubt to you Paul on this occasion, three seconds, a grand finale starting now.
PM: And so the balls are in the air as the jugglers...
NP: Well that last flourish of Paul Merton's really did give us a grand finale to this particular edition of Just A Minute. And they are all so close in the points. But if you're interested I will tell you. Liza Tarbuck only just finished in fourth place, but she was only two points behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey. He was only one point behind Charles Collingwood and he was only two points behind Paul Merton, but we do, because he has the most points, say Paul, you are the winner this week! So what does it remain for me to say? Just thank you to these four intrepid players of the game, Paul Merton, Liza Tarbuck, Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Charles Collingwood. I also thank Susie Best who has helped me keep the score, and blown her whistle so delicately every time. I also thank our producer-director, that is Chris Neill. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And we are deeply indebted to this lovely Yorkshire audience who have come to the City Varieties in Leeds to cheer us on our way. We hope you've enjoyed it, we've enjoyed playing to you. From me, Nicholas Parsons, from our team, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute!