ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Gyles Brandreth and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to another series of Just A Minute. And in the first of our new series we welcome back two of our regular players of the game, Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo. And two guests who have excelled themselves at the game in the past, Sheila Hancock and Gyles Brandreth. And they, they try and speak for Just A Minute on the subject that I give them, without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And we begin the show and the series with who better, Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the subject is the fun of bath night. You want to make a note of it, all right. Will you tell us something about the fun of bath night, Kenneth starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: The fun of bath night lies in the fact that you sit in all this foam and soapy water, and you have this rubber duck, and a loofa...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Is "this" too little a word?

NP: Oh far too little, Sheila. You haven't been with us for a long time...

SH: Oh I've forgotten, yes. I thought he said two dreadfuls before, but never mind.


SH: I let it go.

NP: Well it was too late, because we ignore the couple of "this"s.

SH: It always takes me a long time to get worked into this show, you see!

NP: Yes but at least you've established you're back with us Sheila...

SH: Right!

NP: How nice to have you as well!

SH: I know!

NP: Ah Sheila Hancock, an incorrect challenge, another point to Kenneth Williams, and 43 seconds left starting now.

KW: And you luxuriate in this warmth and gradually...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of warm.

NP: I think he said warmth then, didn't you?

KW: Warmth, I said, T-H.

NP: Yes.

KW: There's a T-H on the end, you great fool! You want to listen! You want to wash your ears out, don't they! What a cheek!

NP: It's the beginning of a new series, Kenneth, you restrain yourself, keep it for the end, but not right now. "Warm" before, and I think it was "warmth" this time, so Kenneth has yet another point and he has 39 seconds to continue with the fun of bath night starting now.

KW: Some people shove salts in the bath, and they maintain that this gives them a much more relaxing experience. Well I don't know about that. I've always found myself that the ability to lie back and cast away the cares of this world, and sing a little song, perhaps a merry jingle. And annoy some of your neighbours in the process which can be quite fun. I must say I...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of fun.

KW: Fun is in the title, you great fool!

DN: Oh!

NP: For those who...

KW: I mean, am I to sit here under these circumstances? I've come all the way from Great Portland Street!

NP: You're winning points! You're winning points all the time, Kenneth, yes.

KW: Yes.

NP: For those of you who may not have heard the programme before, over the 15 years, you know some of our listeners in Norway have only recently joined us. You are allowed to repeat the word which is in the title of the subject. And the word fun is there. So Kenneth you have another point and you continue and there are 12 seconds starting now.

KW: And the other fun, I always enjoy when the bath goes...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Is "always" a little word?

NP: Yes he did say "always" more than once before. So Sheila you have a correct challenge, you have a point for that and you have eight seconds on the fun of...

KW: (shouting hysterically) Yes because she's timed it, you see! Down to the last minute! So she doesn't have to do anything, just to get a point! She timed it right to the last minute! And I'm doing all the work! I'm a cult figure and I...

NP: Well, as a cult figure you have got four points from their incorrect challenges, I don't know what you're complaining about. So Sheila...

SH: He's a generous cult figure!

NP: (laughs) A generous cult figure!

DN: You're just a big cult figure, aren't you Kenneth?

NP: And you have eight seconds Sheila, on the fun of bath night starting now.

SH: I remember when I was in digs up in Oldham, we used to have a tin bath in front of a big black stove. And it was a glorious experience to...


NP: When Ian Messiter who invented this impossible game, impossible for the chairman that is, blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was Sheila Hancock, she has two at the end of the round, Kenneth Williams has four, Gyles Brandreth and Derek Nimmo have yet to score...

SH: Oh I say, this is a rotten game! He worked very hard and he only got four. And I got half as much for doing nothing!

NP: I don't know, I think four for the amount of work he did was a fair average, actually.

SH: Yes but I got two for doing nothing!

NP: Ah you got in with only a few seconds to go. You see that's one of the tricks. Derek Nimmo will you take the second round and the subject is Mary Rose, and you begin now.

DN: One of the earliest poems, or little jokes, I suppose it really was, that I remember was one when I used to say "Mary Rose, sat on a pin, Mary rose". Which I thought was hugely amusing at the time, although that was many years ago. Now Cyril Billington who was a distinguished agent, was telling me that he went to see dear Arthur Askey just on the day when Mary Rose, the boat of course I'm now talking about, was brought out of the sea. And there was Big-Hearted lying there, having had this awful operation. And the man that I was telling you about said to him "did you see the ship Mary Rose come out of the sea?"


NP: Ah...

GYLES BRANDRETH: "Telling you about" we've had twice.

NP: Yes but let him finish the story.

GB: Oh it's a charming story. When he's finished, I'll take the point in the fray!

NP: All right...

DN: But poor old Arthur, he'd had this awful operation. And he said "did you see the Mary Rose come out of this water today?" And Arthur said "yes, they found some of my old band parts on it!"


NP: So um Derek, a lovely story, I'm glad you finished it. But before you did, Gyles had challenged you when there were 26 seconds left. And Gyles you had a correct challenge, you get a point, you take over the subject of Mary Rose starting now.

GB: People say that this programme is very like the Mary Rose because it is such a wreck! I rather feel that it is more like, taking part in this programme is more like...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of programme.

NP: Yes you repeated programme I'm afraid Gyles. So Derek has at last got a point and he has 13 seconds on Mary Rose starting now.

DN: I have an ah old chum called Ronald Bell...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Could that be called a hesitation?

NP: No, it couldn't Sheila!

SH: Oh.

NP: I'm very sorry, no, no, he was, it was a Nimmo elongation of vowels, and he has nine seconds on Mary Rose starting now.

DN: To think of Henry the Eighth standing there in the harbour, watching this magnificent boat sink all those years ago. And for it to reappear guided by our dear Prince Charles in 1982. It's...


NP: So Derek Nimmo managed to keep going then till the whistle went, gained the extra point. He's now in second place, one behind Kenneth Williams, and Gyles Brandreth and Sheila Hancock are equal in third place. And Gyles your turn to begin, the subject, chips.

GB: I first encountered...

NP: Wait, no! I do have to say so that Ian Messiter can start his watch.

GB: Do I get a bonus for enthusiasm?

NP: No, I have been known to take them away! So Gyles, um we applaud your enthusiasm but you begin...


NP: Derek Nimmo, you have a microphone in front of your hands, and it doesn't come over very well especially in Sri Lanka and places west.

DN: I thought we were applauding his enthusiasm! Oh right!

NP: Gyles the subject is chips and you begin now.

GB: The first memories I have of chips are when I was a child, and my father used to take me to school every day. He had to, poor soul, he was in the same class...


NP: (laughing) Derek?

DN: Well I refuse to believe that his father took him to school on Sunday! He couldn't have taken him to school every day.

NP: Oh again you're being difficult. Every day, I assumed from every day, he meant every day that was a school day.

GB: I have to tell you that my father was a deeply religious man, and of course I went to Sunday School as well!

NP: Ah well, Saturday yes. Anyway...

GB: And he was also a closet Rabbi!


NP: Gyles you have another point and you have 53 seconds on chips starting now.

GB: The place where we used to go to get our chips was a marvellous shop now known, I believe as the Chip Boutique where you get...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Well I know he was pausing for a laugh, but you're not allowed to.

KW: Yes you are! Who told you you're not allowed to?

SH: Well I've often been rung by you when I've paused for a laugh...

KW: The way you lay down the law!

SH: Oh I'm going home! I can't remember how to play this rotten game!

NP: I must say he did pause for the laugh and um...

KW: Well do you want us to talk right through so that the audience can't hear what he's saying?

SH: He could mutter! You should mutter!

NP: I think one has to use a sort of dramatic licence and I think Sheila was a bit keen. So what I'll do is I'll charge no points at all, but let Gyles continue with 44 seconds left, on chips starting now.

GB: The very first film that I went to see when I was a child was a movie called Au Revoir Monsieur...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of child.

NP: Yes I'm afraid so, when you were a child. And Derek you have the subject, 41 seconds, chips starting now.

DN: Well chips are something you can have on your shoulder like Nicholas Parsons. And it really derives from the days in California a long time, when the cowboys used to wander round with a chip put there, and daring people to knock it off and challenge them to a fight of that happened. Very interesting. Of course there are expressions like when the chips are down, that are derived from poker. And if you've ever played that game, you'll know exactly what it's like when those chips are on the table. Because, gosh, it is frightening, isn't it, when you think you might lose all that money, and go home in a totally impecunious state. I am going to a casino afterwards, and I can tell you when my chips are thrust to the croupier, I know that the whole of my family is relying on me, and I wait for the wheel to turn, and gosh, the fear, the sheer terror...


NP: Well the audience applause showed Derek that you really deserved that. That was a, that was a piece de resistance, a tour de force, a Nimmo patische...

DN: Oh Nicholas, you are a charming fellow!

NP: And I'll give you a few of the chips on my shoulder, because they suit you better than me! And so well done Derek, and you've taken the lead at the end of that round. And Sheila Hancock begins the next one, painting my toenails Sheila...

SH: Oh!

NP: Sixty seconds starting now.

SH: Having very plain feet, it is necessary for me to paint my toenails, in order to make them look a little bit better. But it is a difficult operation because I am five foot eight and a half tall, and my hands even when hung down by my side...


NP: Gyles Brandreth.

GB: A hesitation, I'm afraid.

NP: I think so.

GB: Ah eee even!

NP: Yes I think that was the first hesitation of the series, and of course of the programme. So Gyles you have 45 seconds on painting my toenails starting now.

GB: I paint my toenails...


NP: And Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: No! He did think about it. Gyles you're still painting your toenails with 43 seconds to go starting now.

GB: The reason I paint my toenails is that I was brought up on the old adage that in this life you should try everything once, except for incest and folk dancing! And consequently the idea of painting one's toenails is irresistible to me. The colour that I usually choose is surice. I agree this is not a tint that would appeal to everybody, but with my particular toes it goes remarkably well. I've got an enormous big toe, that occasionally I do little polka dots on in green and maroon, and I've got little beige bits for the bit at the end. Now my toes...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: No, no...

KW: You got it wrong, because you got bit and bits you see.

SH: Yeah...

KW: It's plural! Oh you great fool! You fell right in it! (laughs)

NP: What a way to treat a guest! Honestly!

KW: I've known her for years! I used to go into her dressing room. I used to pretend she was dead, and stand against the door and fall in...

SH: Yes all right!

KW: ... and she'd say "oh get up, you great nit"!


NP: So Gyles continues painting his toenails for 15 seconds starting now.

GB: For some years I have been a subscriber to a magazine that is designed entirely for foot fetishists. It is called Amigo and it gives you...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Deviation.

NP: Yes.

GB: Indeed! Deviation, I'm afraid!

SH: That's what I mean!

NP: Well it was a, it was an interpretation of deviation. And as such Sheila, we give you the benefit of the doubt, because you've interpreted that particular penalty in another way. And you have seven seconds, painting my toenails Sheila, starting now.

SH: My painted toenails proved an embarrassment last evening at Stratford-upon-Avon, where I was playing the part of Tamara who is a fabled Gothic lady and completely...


NP: So Sheila Hancock speaking then as the whistle went has moved forward, alongside Derek Nimmo, one point behind our leader who is Gyles Brandreth. And Kenneth Williams is in the same position as when he started at the end of the first round. But he's going to begin the next round Kenneth, and the subject is Venus. Will you tell us something on that delightful subject, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This is one of the planets which rotates more slowly than any of the others. It is...


NP: Gyles Brandreth.

GB: I think really it was a bit of hesitation.

NP: No it wasn't, he was rotating slowly but not slow enough for hesitation. So watch it Kenneth and you have 52 seconds on Venus starting now.

KW: The revolution takes two hundred and forty-three and a half days. It is also the name of the goddess of love. And according to Greek mythology, Aphrodite was the daughter of Zeus and Dione. And she was reputed to have come ashore in a sort of scallop shell in Cyprus. That place incidentally is devoid of any decent pavements so you'd better...


NP: (laughing) Oh Gyles yes?

GB: I'm afraid that was deviation.

NP: Yes it was the best deviation I've heard in the series! It was marvellous!

KW: Why do you think it's deviation?

NP: Because you were talking about Venus, you went off to the pavements of Cyprus!

KW: Yeah but I mean, if she, if it's supposed to be her birthplace...

NP: Yeah but there weren't pavements when she was around!

KW: No! She had this scallop shell, I suppose!

NP: So Gyles you have a point, and you have 18 and a half seconds, Venus starting now.

GB: I once went out with a beautiful girl called Venus. It was she who introduced me to the Swiss kiss, which is a kiss through...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Well I think that's both hesitation and possibly verging on deviation.

KW: Yeah but we didn't hear what the Swiss kiss was! I was dying to find out!

SH: Two kisses!

GB: No, I'll tell you, it's a French kiss through which you yodel!


NP: So he repeated the word kiss and you have a correct challenge Sheila. This time there are 16 seconds left, the subject is Venus and you start now.

SH: I had a friend who had a black cat called Venus that was named after the one who went with Adonis. Who was a Roman...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two "was"s!

NP: Oh shut up! Come on...

SH: I wasn't allowed "this", and that's got one more letter!

NP: And I didn't, I didn't er, give any penalties or any points. So we leave things as they are but Sheila keeps the subject and there are nine seconds on Venus starting now.

SH: Venus was a particularly lovely cat. It adored...


NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Repetition of cat.

NP: Yes I'm afraid you did have cat before.

SH: Oh yes.

NP: Yes six seconds for you Derek, on Venus starting now.

DN: Another one of the little poems I used to recite is "this is the story of the good ship Venus". I can't remember how it went on but I do remember...


NP: So it's a very even contest. Derek Nimmo and Gyles Brandreth are equal in the lead, one point ahead of Sheila Hancock, and two points ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Derek begins the next round, how to budget, Derek. Can you tell us something on that difficult subject starting now.

DN: Budget, B-U-D-G-E-T, of course derives from the old French word, bouget, which means purse. And because the Chancellor of the Exchequer, in days gone by, used to arrive at the House with a leather bag. And in this it contained all the documents of state. And therefore it was known as the Budget. And it was really quite an interesting thought, isn't it really, that all these years ago...


NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged.

GB: A couple of "really"s.

NP: There were a couple of "really"s, I'm afraid. Yes Gyles you have the subject of how to budget, there are 16 seconds starting now.

GB: I have always been a collector of unusual names. And I had a small bird that I used to know as Budget. It was actually just a very tiny budgerigar, and I called it that because I didn't really care about how it was spelt because I'm not interested in that sort of thing and prepared to see a word done any sort of way at all...


NP: Gyles Brandreth and Derek Nimmo are still in the lead, together at the end of that round. And Gyles your turn to begin, three little pigs, that's the subject starting now.

GB: I am a children's author. Among the many stories that I have retold is that of The Three Little Pigs. And it resulted in me being given a great honour in being invited to the Soviet Union. I think they were principally interested in my story about The Three Little Moles. But they also took quite a bit of interest in this one that I had written about the three little pigs...


SH: Oh blow! Interest. It was interested before!

NP: Yes I'm sorry Sheila, so another point to Gyles and 45 seconds, three little pigs starting now.

GB: The three little pigs, when I took it over to the Soviet Union, and I ought to explain...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of the Soviet Union.

NP: Yes. We can't have too much of that! There are 42 seconds on three little pigs starting now.

DN: You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, or presumably a pig's ear. Now if you've got three little pigs...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Ear, repetition of ear.

NP: Sow's ear...

DN: Yes absolutely right! Jolly good! Well listened Sheila!

NP: Yes, I had to do a very quick mental rerun of what had been said and er...

DN: That must have been difficult for you!

NP: Can you say it a little bit louder if you're going to be rude? I mean let's all hear it! No it's not worth repeating, is it? Right, 34 seconds for you Sheila, three little pigs starting now.

SH: Well I know three little pigs called Joanna Susie, Ellie Jane and Abigail, that are my three daughters...


DN: There seem to be five up to now, I counted at least five, Ellie, Jane...

NP: No, I realise, I realise...

SH: Ellie Jane! Joanna Susie! And Abigail!

DN: Oh yes.

NP: No I realised there were two Christian names for each child.

DN: Oh I see.

NP: So I let Sheila...

DN: Well I did really, but I thought I'd have a go!

NP: Twenty-eight seconds Sheila, three little pigs starting now.

SH: And were you to join us for Sunday dinner, you would see them all in action. In fact one of them is sitting in the audience now, nodding her head in agreement that she is apt to...


NP: Gyles has challenged.

GB: Sadly she is not nodding her head in agreement, she has dozed off!


NP: Well as I can see that she's actually enchanted with what her mother is saying, and she has not dozed off, Gyles I consider that was an incorrect challenge, and Sheila keeps the subject and there are 20 seconds, three little pigs starting now.

SH: This is getting awfully boring. But there was always a battle for the leftovers and usually it is myself who wins who is not included in the three little pigs...


NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Well deviation, she's just admitted she's not talking about the three little pigs! She's talking about herself which is not the subject on the card.

NP: She just said she's not included in the three little pigs. She was still on the subject of three little pigs.

DN: Oh I...

NP: She hasn't really deviated from the subject. So Sheila's getting more points and 10 seconds left Sheila starting now.

SH: There were once three little pigs and they went for a walk and they came across a big wolf. And they decided to build three houses. I...


NP: Ah Gyles.

GB: Oh all the threes, but not in the same context.

NP: No, because three is also in the title, so Sheila has another point and two seconds to go, three little pigs starting now.

SH: One made it of brick...


NP: So three little pigs took Sheila from a, ah, quite a modest second place into the lead, one point ahead of our two second placed, Derek Nimmo and Gyles Brandreth. And Kenneth Williams is still trailing a little. Sheila begins the next round and the subject is keys. Can you tell us something on that subject Sheila, starting now.

SH: I always try to buy a handbag that will help me find my...


NP: Gyles?

GB: Hesitation.

NP: I think I would agree with that. So keys is with you Gyles and there are um 55 seconds left starting now.

GB: When I was 21, I was given a giant cardboard key on which were printed the words "don't worry if your job is small, and your rewards are few, remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you!" Now this is...


NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes it was the same type of hesitation, I'm sorry Gyles, it's only fair. I give it back to Sheila with 44 seconds left starting now.

SH: (sings) If I could give you the key to my heart...


NP: Kenneth, Kenneth has...

KW: You're supposed to speak for 60 seconds! You're not supposed to sing for 60 seconds! It says in the game you speak for 60 seconds! Now she's going (sings very badly) "if I put a key in your heart..." (speaking) And not as well as I was doing it, incidentally! If I carried on like that, I wouldn't be here today! Well not looking so lovely anyway!

NP: I don't know what to say on that one.

KW: I'll tell you what to say! It's not the way to play the game, is it!

NP: I know, No, no, Kenneth...

KW: You're supposed to speak for 60 seconds! It says it in the rules, doesn't it, Ian Messiter? That's right! He's just said "yes".

NP: But I have known you to burst into song on many occasions Kenneth.

KW: Ah but that's poetic licence!

NP: Shall I put it to the audience? When I have a difficult decision to make, I leave it to the wisdom...

KW: No good asking this lot! Look at them!

NP: Their superior intelligence and wisdom...

SH: Don't worry you've got a lot of friends out there Kenneth.

NP: A very attractive audience. If you agree with Kenneth's challenge, you cheer for him. And if you disagree, you boo for Sheila. And you all do it together now.


NP: Unanimous! So Kenneth we're into the last subject. You began the show, let's see if you can finish it. The subject is keys, you have 42 seconds starting now.

KW: I'm glad I've got the subject of keys. Because the most dreadful occurred when I took a flat, the first one I had ever had. And I lost my keys. And the fire brigade came. And windows were opened in the adjoining apartment and I clambered below, on very fragile sort of scaffolding...


NP: Gyles has challenged.

GB: I'm afraid a bit of hesitation there.

NP: Not at all!

GB: Sort of scaffolding.

NP: Not a hesitation, no! I mean he was, you know, but I mean he wasn't to be a penalty in the game. Kenneth you continue with 19 seconds left on keys starting now.

KW: This burly figure entered and opened the door. And I said "well I have to pay for this, I've lost my keys!" And he said...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Lost.

NP: You mentioned about losing your keys before. You lost your keys.

KW: Well I think it's awfully mean! You know, I mean I was just, I was just getting into my flow.

NP: I think you should leave Flo out of this quite frankly. Sheila you have the subject, 11 seconds, keys starting now.

SH: Just before this programme, Derek was talking to me about how dreadful it was that we were getting older. But there are keys to fighting these depressing feelings...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Rubbish! It's the most dreadful deviation I've ever heard! "Keys to fighting"? "There are keys to fighting"? It doesn't even make sense in English!

NP: I think you're probably right.

DN: But the Norwegians will like it!

NP: The Norwegians are looking it up in their dictionaries and understanding what "keys" means! Keys to open doors to fighting this. No I think I would agree with you Kenneth, and you have half a second left...

KW: Oh!

NP: And you talk about other people getting in just before the whistle. The subject is keys Kenneth, half a second, are you ready? You're quite ready, are you? And you start now!

KW: Keys...


NP: Well we have finished the contest this week.


NP: That last laugh by the way was, Kenneth put so much into that last second, he threw his hair all over the place. He's now combed it back into the same golden lock. And Kenneth started the show with a flourish, he finished the show with a flourish. And how better to finish Just A Minute? He's still in fourth place. But he does finish only point behind Derek Nimmo, third, who's only one point behind Gyles Brandreth in second place. Who's only one point behind this week's winner, she came yet again to triumph in Just A Minute, Sheila Hancock! Well we do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and you will want to tune in again at the same time next week. So good-bye from all of us here until the next time! Thank you!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.