NOTE: Brian Johnston's first appearance.


ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, John Junkin, Tim Rice and Brian Johnston in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And this week we welcome two guests who have been with us before, John Junkin and Tim Rice. We welcome a guest who has not been on the programme before, Brian Johnston, someone who needs no introduction to anyone who listens to radio. And of course our regular, Kenneth Williams, who needs introduction to everybody who listens to radio! We'll begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth the subject is moments of drama. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I recall great moments of drama in my own career. I remember one occasion at the Arts Theatre. It was in the middle of a scene where the Bishop has to say to Joan "you stand alone, the Bastard of Avignon has told you, the Dauphin has instructed you, and yet you stand in your own ungodliness and cast out, you shall". And the whole thing went to pieces and so he eventually walked down to the floats and said to the house "I'm awfully sorry, it's a very difficult scene you understand so bear with me will you". And then went to the prompt corner and got the script and looked it all up and came back and started all over again. By which time the drama, or the moment of it, shall I say, had really rather...


NP: John Junkin has challenged.

JOHN JUNKIN: Hesitation, drama, the moment of it, I should say.

NP: I thought he kept going brilliantly having made a reiteration. He had repeated himself a few times up till then. No Kenneth, you still have the subject, moments of drama and there are 17 seconds left starting now.

KW: I hope it's enough time in which to tell you of that wonderful moment in the third act when the...


NP: Brian Johnston has challenged.

BRIAN JOHNSTON: That's about the tenth time we've had the word moment.

NP: Yes. Ah but unfortunately Brian the words in the subject can be repeated.

BJ: Ah!

NP: And actually as you are a guest and you have never played the game before, on the card it says "moments of drama" and he repeated the word "moment". So I'll be rather mean for Kenneth...


NP: Oh come on! Be kind to Brian, he's kind to everybody...

BJ: My first time!

NP: ... and give Brian Johnston a chance to talk for the first time on Just A Minute, with 11 seconds to go, moments of drama starting now.

BJ: Well I...


BJ: Oh no! I've pressed the buzzer! I've buzzed myself!

NP: Brian, Brian Johnston...

BJ: Hesitation from me!

NP: Yeah you buzzed yourself.

BJ: I hesitated.

NP: Yeah you're absolutely right! You've got a point for that.

BJ: Right. I'll go on if you like, you know.

NP: You're going to have to go on because you destroyed the whole structure of the game, such it was! But there are 10 seconds for you to continue with moments of drama starting now.

BJ: Well the only time that I had a moment of drama was when I played in a sketch with my brother. It was in A Little Village Called Muchmarple, and he had to come in and say "it's George's ghost", and I remember I had to light a cigarette for him...


NP: Ian Messiter blows his whistle with tremendous verve sitting beside me here, and that tells us that 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains the extra point. It was our guest of the week Brian Johnston, who because he had correct challenges against himself, has got more points than anybody else. In fact he's got three, Kenneth Williams has one, John Junkin's spoken, Tim Rice has gone to sleep. And we'll start the next round with John Junkin, the subject is creating a sensation. John, will you talk on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

JJ: Creating a sensation is something with which I myself am not familiar. Not being the more flamboyant breed of actor like Mister Williams over there, I am not...


NP: And Tim Rice has challenged you.

TIM RICE: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed Tim, nice to hear from you.

TR: Yes.

NP: Tim...

JJ: Why does he have to pick me to wake up on?

NP: Will you take over the subject, there are 47 seconds, creating a sensation starting now.

TR: I have created a sensation many times in my long and distinguished career on the cricket field. I well re...


NP: Brian Johnston has challenged.

BJ: Untrue! He hasn't had a distinguished career on the cricket field!

NP: Are you challenging on creating a sensation on the cricket field or a distinguished career on the cricket field?

BJ: Both! I don't, well I think he is a bit of a sensation but he certainly hasn't created... what's the other thing he said?

NP: You've now put me in the position of judging on Tim Rice's ability as a cricketer.

BJ: Well that's very easy...

NP: It's almost impossible. I am either going to offend him or upset you.

BJ: All right, offend me then because he's a very good cricketer really.

NP: Right, all right, all right, so Brian a very nice challenge. As you're a guest we'll give you a bonus point, for a very inventive challenge...

BJ: Let him continue creating.

NP: We'll leave the subject with Tim Rice, I think that's the fair way to do it, don't you? Be fair to everybody. There are 42 seconds for you Tim to continue on creating a sensation starting now.

TR: There are many ways to create a sensation in life. I well remember an occasion when I was driving my car...


NP: John Junkin.

JJ: Repetition of occasion.

NP: There were two occasions there. I'm sorry Tim, John has got the subject back, there are 38, six, seconds left, creating a sensation starting now.

JJ: I re...


NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Hesitation without a doubt!

NP: You rotten! You mean player! You know there was no hesitation. There are 35 and a half seconds...

TR: There was a long hesitation!

NP: Yes, for half a second.

JJ: I always have this problem on this programme. It's called breathing, nobody else seems to do it!

NP: I'm allowing you to breathe John, it's all right, you still have the subject of creating a sensation starting now.

JJ: A simple...


NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: I really think he's taking too long to get going.

NP: Hesitation yes. I agree with you that time, you went for more than half a second. I'm sorry John, you took too long a breath. So Tim has it back, creating a sensation, 34 and a half seconds starting now.

TR: Those who wish to create a sensation should remember that it is very important not to waste too much time breathing. Because if you do this, your impact, your dynamic emphasis, will completely fly out of the window. Should there not be a window it will...


NP: And Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well two windows I'm afraid.

NP: Yes.

KW: Yes.

NP: You could always say it's a different window but he did repeat it.

KW: Right.

NP: Kenneth you have creating a sensation which you've done many times but there are 20 seconds for you to take the subject starting now.

KW: I created a sensation by putting my hand to what I was unaware of, at the time, I mean as you know it was electric, but the shock was appoe-ling and I leapt back! And people said "oh what's the matter..."


NP: Tim Rice challenged then.

TR: Deviation.

NP: Why?

TR: Appoe-ling? There's no such word!

NP: Well Kenneth uses some very strange words! And he has some...

KW: There's nothing in this game that says you have to use words in a certain sense.

NP: And some of his pronunciations are very bizarre on occasions but it's all part of Kenneth's delightful personality.

TR: But it was complete and utter nonsense!

NP: Well I understood it, I think the audience understood it.

JJ: That doesn't mean it wasn't utter nonsense Nicholas!

NP: Well as it was nonsense, yes that's the reason I understood it, thank you John. No, Kenneth I'm leaving it with you with five seconds to go...

KW: Thank you! Very good chairman!

NP: ... starting...

KW: Very good chairman! Excellent!

NP: Carry on! Oh sorry, five seconds starting now.

KW: And another one where on a stage I made the entrance and then was taken away, so to speak, by the graves trap and...


NP: Kenneth speaking as the whistle went gained the extra point...

KW: That means I'm in the lead?

NP: Yes.

KW: Yes, I'm in the lead! Ahhhhhhhhh! How marvellous!

NP: Alongside Brian Johnston.

KW: Eh?

NP: Alongside Brian Johnston.

KW: Well how can I be in the lead, you great fool, if I'm alongside?

NP: Well we've got two leaders, you've both got four points.

KW: Oh I see! Oh well, a doubtful honour.

NP: So I'm not such a fool after all?

KW: No, I beg your pardon! I must humbly cringe before you!

NP: Kenneth there's no need to cringe. Right we'll continue with the show with Tim Rice starting. Tim the subject is odd letters I've had starting now.

TR: I have had many odd letters in my time. I remember A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I...


NP: John Junkin has challenged.

JJ: Deviation, they are not odd letters, they are merely letters. A and C would be odd.

NP: There's nothing odd about them, I agree, no, I think that's a very good challenge John. You have the subject, you have 50 seconds starting now.

JJ: I can remember entering into a correspondence with a lady who lived on the Isle of Mull. She sent me a very very odd letter indeed...


NP: Brian Johnston.

BJ: Well repetition, I heard two verys.

NP: You did indeed, 41 seconds for you to tell us something about odd letters I've had starting now.

BJ: Well we receive a lot of odd letters in the commentary box. People write in about all sorts of subjects...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: The challenge is it's odd letters I've received and now we've gone into we received.


BJ: The royal we!

NP: Well as the...

KW: Yes! You see, I'm not just a pretty face!

NP: As Brian Johnston is, Brian you have a point for an incorrect challenge...

BJ: Thank you very much.

NP: ... and you have 37 seconds on odd letters I've had starting now.

BJ: Well there were two very good ones last year. There was one where they asked a riddle...


NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Repetition of one.

NP: I'm afraid you said one, we, one last year. What a pity! Thirty-three seconds for you John on odd letters I've had starting now.

JJ: Returning if I may to this most odd communication which I received from the Isle of Mull and the lady thereon, she wrote to me appertaining to an appearance of mine on television, and...


JJ: ... I do deeply resent the chairman forcing someone...

NP: Yes.

BJ: Some time ago...

NP: Brian, Brian...

BJ: I heard you say Mull.

NP: Brian, Brian Johnston has challenged you.

BJ: I heard you say Mull but I thought you had said that previously and that's repetition.

NP: He did, you're quite right, it's repetition if he says it before, you must get the rules right.

BJ: He's mulling over the subject you know.

NP: That's right. Absolutely.

JJ: Isn't there a time limit? I was about seven seconds past it by the time he pressed his buzzer!

NP: I know! It doesn't matter. No, he was being generous, waiting to see if you were, you know, giving you the benefit of the doubt. What do they call it on the football field, you know, playing the advantage rule

BJ: Yes.

TR: Cheating!

JJ: Thank you Tim!Yes that's what it's called.

NP: There are 20 seconds left for you Brian on odd letters I've had starting now.

BJ: Yeah the letter I wanted to tell you about was the one where they said, do you know...


NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: I think our distinguished commentator got definitely caught up there.

NP: Yes.

TR: Hesitation-wise.

NP: There are 16 and a half seconds for you Tim on odd letters I've had starting now.

TR: Perhaps the strangest letter I've ever received was from an unknown admirer who went on and continuing...



NP: Kenneth's challenge, try and wriggle out of that one Kenneth! You're admitting defeat are you.

KW: Yes!

NP: Well done! Well indeed, the audience reaction proved it, yes you did very well Tim. And you've got a wrong challenge, you get a point and there are 11 seconds, odd letters I've had starting now.

TR: This epistle just could not stop about the desirability of my frame. It went ever so carefully into every single detail of my physique which is not surprising...


NP: Well at the end of that round our guest who has not been with us before, Brian Johnston, has the lead, one, no, two points ahead of Tim Rice in second place now, and John Junkin and Kenneth Williams equal in third place, one point behind them. Kenneth, the subject that Ian Messiter has asked you to talk on this time is Aturo Toscanini. Can you tell us something... I'm sure you can tell us a lot about him but try doing it now, in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: The thing that stands out in my mind is that he did conduct (unintelligible) for the very first time. And his entire career is an astonishing record of very odd happenings. Take when he was cello in that orchestra in Italy where the conductor was so incompetent that the concert was almost cancelled until the musicians beseeched him to take the rostrum, which he did. Took an enormous standing ovation afterwards...


NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation between standing and ovation!

NP: Oh shut up John! No I don't think so John, it was Kenneth's natural delivery. Thirty seconds are left on Aturo Toscanini with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: And one of the most remarkable things is that as lately as 1952 that he actually appeared at the Festival Hall. But whether it was at the Conservertwois, or whether it was the (unintelligible), you name it...


NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Two whethers.

NP: Two whethers?

TR: Whether it was so-and-so, whether it was...

KW: What does it matter, you great fool! I've come all the way from Great Portland Street! I'm not going to be made a fool of by that great jerk! He was also very rude to me before this show began! Very rude to me before this show began!

NP: Was he?

KW: Yes!

NP: What did he say?

KW: I said "it's an all male panel on tonight", and he looked at me and said "well, almost!"


NP: Well Kenneth we ought to give you a point for your, (trying to control his laughter) for your courage in making a joke against yourself like that! That was, that was very brave of you, but I'm afraid it was a correct challenge. Oh dear he is so upset! Kenneth, Tim, I have to agree, Tim takes the subject, there are 13 and a half seconds on Aturo Toscanini with you Tim starting now.

TR: Originally when first showed this man's name, I thought he was left back for West Ham in the 1923 cup final. But now I realise after Kenneth's most moving...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, what he thought about being in West Ham is nothing to do with Aturo Toscanini and that is the subject!

NP: That is the subject but the subject, the card doesn't say Aturo Toscanini the famous musical conductor. It just says Aturo Toscanini and Tim, you still keep the subject, having got another point and there are eight seconds, Aturo Toscanini starting now.

TR: I has my point of view and you has your...


BJ: Two hases!

NP: Yes, trying to be too clever there, I'm afraid Tim. Bad luck! Four seconds for you Brian, Aturo Toscanini starting now.

BJ: In fact Aturo did play a lot of games, and one of them was cricket, and he played it extremely well...


NP: In four seconds you can get away with it Brian, because Aturo Toscanini didn't even play cricket! But you just said Aturo and you've leapt forward into the lead, one, two ahead of Tim and John, and three ahead of Kenneth. And it's all very close. And John Junkin begins the next round and John the subject is saving my face. Would you tell us something on that subject in 60 seconds if you can starting now.

JJ: Saving my face is something which anyone who has looked at the offending visage will realise is a pastime in which I do not indulge. I am possibly one of the only people who has learned to shave with his eyes shut! Principally because at home my wife has purchased for us a mirror, which contains an image of Marilyn Monroe superimposed upon the glass. And I find it rather distasteful to run my razor across that lady's upper lip. Therefore I find that I have to look away when I am attempting to clear my face of the overnight stubble. I think it is a little late at this point in time to start saving my face, how do you save your face? Do you go to a bank, and say would you take my face, put it in your vaults, and I shall come for it when I need it? Do you put it in a suitcase under the bed?


NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: I hated to stop him because it was getting quite interesting.

NP: Was it? I thought it was boring as hell!

JJ: This is the difference between a man of taste and a man of no taste!

NP: That's right!

TR: But I reckon that he said put at least twice.

NP: He did, he did indeed Tim and you have the subject and you have 11 seconds on saving my face starting now.

TR: I have never attempted to save my face, because at the young age of 21, which I passed only three months ago, I do not feel...


NP: Brian Johnston has...

BJ: Untrue and I hope this is a truthful programme!

NP: Well it's as far as we can be.

BJ: It's inaccurate, he wasn't right.

NP: We do know for a fact that that was deviation...

TR: Well 22.

NP: ... because we happen to know that you are over three months past 21 yes! So Brian you have the subject, you've got in very cleverly with two seconds to go, saving my face starting now.

BJ: Nothing will ever save my face. I know that...


NP: So Brian Johnston slightly increased his lead at the end of the round, getting the extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And we're back with Tim Rice to begin. And the subject is throwing a pot. Tim will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

TR: Many people listening will not be aware that the term "throwing a pot" does not mean picking up a vase, vaze or vause, and slinging it across the room in a fit of pique. But rather it is referring to the art of making something out of clay. What you do is you go and get a potter's wheel, put a lump of clay, cover it with water or some other useful fluid which your... hands can slip around...


NP: John Junkin has challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

NP: I don't think he quite got to a hesitation. I think he recovered very well...

JJ: There was a lack of fluency, sir.

NP: Yes he recovered very well. I'll tell you what, shall we put it to the audience? Because I think he recovered well. If you think it was a definite hesitation, then you cheer for John Junkin. But if you don't, you boo for Tim Rice. And you all do it together now!


NP: They think he hesitated.

JJ: So true.

NP: So John I bow to the superior wisdom and judgement of these beautiful and intelligent and...

TR: Peasants!

NP: People! So right John, you have the subject, 37 and a half seconds, throwing a pot starting now.

JJ: Throwing a pot is something I indulged in in my days at teacher's training college. It was part of the art course, and I was presented with a potter's wheel and a lump of inanimate clay and I was requested to turn this into some sort of beautiful eternal vase that Keats would have written an ode about. With great difficulty I managed to persuade the potter's wheel to spin and casting the clay upon it, I found...


NP: Tim has challenged.

TR: Two clays.

NP: There were two clays there yes. Yes he did repeat the word clay, so you take over the subject of throwing a pot, there are 14 seconds starting now.

TR: There again throwing a pot could be the propelling by sheer brute strength of something rather like a vase or receptacle across a crowded room. This can cause problems if the room is too full of people...


NP: Ah Brian Johnston challenged.

BJ: Yes he had two rooms.

NP: He did, and you challenged with only third, half a second to go, throwing a pot, quarter of a second starting now.

BJ: There are several sources...


NP: Brain Johnston you have gone further ahead at the end of that round, having got that all important point at the end with the whistle going. And you start the next round, the subject is the Costa del Sol. Will you tell us something about that resort in 60 seconds starting now.

BJ: Well first of all, I thought it was very wise of you not to attempt the Spanish accent. The Costa del Sol is a lovely place in Spain. I've never been there, I don't like the heat very much. And I don't go to these exotic places...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I don't like and I don't like the heat. I don't like.

NP: I'm afraid, yes yes.

KW: Two don'ts.

NP: Yes I'm sorry Brian. Kenneth Williams is with us again with er 49 seconds on Costa del Sol starting now.

KW: "El sorno apisin compraiso" was the remark made by Aturo Toscanini when he went to on board to conduct the ship of the National Broadcasting Orchestra which was especially created for the aforementioned and brilliant...


NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: I tried to give him every chance but this has got nothing whatsoever to do with the Costa del Sol.

KW: (shouting hysterically) He was on the Costa del Sol, you great fool! He was performing in Malaga! You are an idiot! Do you know where Malaga is situated? Do you know where Malaga is situated? Do you know? Have you ever opened a geography book? I really shouldn't be here at all! I'm wasting my time you know!

TR: I agree! I agree!

KW: I should be on this Brain Of Britain or something really distinguished, shouldn't I!

NP: Kenneth I think you made your point, but you don't need to be quite so rude to the other panellists.

KW: Well I get so, I get so furious! I mean I am by nature a tempestuous creature you see.

NP: Yes...

KW: We in the theatre, we in the theatre, you see, we are used to expressing ourselves!

NP: Unlike Tim Rice, who has got no association with the theatre at all!

KW: No!

JJ: Nicholas, is there a challenge for overacting?

NP: You can challenge for overacting but I'm afraid you won't get any points for it. But Kenneth you're going to keep the subject...

TR: What?

NP: ... and there are 31 seconds on the Costa del Sol starting now.

KW: When I first visited Torremilinos, it was a tiny fishermen's village, and no sign of any tourists or discotheque...


NP: Tim Rice has challenged again.

TR: I was unaware that it was full of tiny fishermen.

NP: Oh come off it! He's getting back at you now, you see. You see what happens, if you create the aggro, you're going to get it back again.

KW: Oh it's ridiculous! He doesn't have a chance!

NP: What is your challenge on, deviation?

TR: Deviation yes.

NP: Because the fishermen are not tiny in Torremilinos?

TR: There are some... (laughs) yes there are some...

NP: How on earth am I going to judge on that?

KW: I didn't say anything, I said tiny fishing village, I didn't mention any...

TR: You said tiny fishermen.

KW: I didn't, I said fishing village.

NP: He did actually say a tiny fishing village.

TR: In that case I completely withdraw my allegation.

NP: It's too late now, he's got another point.

KW: (screaming) He's just screwing up an incomparable artist! That's all you are doing! And you are depriving this wonderful house of the virtues of my kind of work!

NP: I know but you are getting points.

KW: I'm going down the drain! My morale's round my ankles! It's terrible!

NP: Kenneth calm down! You're getting points as you go along...

KW: Good! Oh it doesn't take much to get me going! Oh I'm full of energy!

NP: Before it all disappears there are 24 seconds, the Costa del Sol starting now.

KW: The sand of Marbeya is black. And I must say it put me off because I used to, I mean I like to go...


NP: Brian Johnston.

BJ: Definite hesitation there, he slurred his words.

NP: Well he often does that. But I think he actually did hesitate, he changed direction completely. Brian you have the subject, there are 18 seconds on the Costa del Sol starting now.

BJ: Well these small fishermen, they go all round the coast there. They catch the sardines, and one day they caught a body...


NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

BJ: ... and it was Aturo Toscanini who had been bathing in the sea...

NP: Tim has challenged you, I'm sorry. Tim what's your challenge?

TR: Well if I was not allowed to win for talking about tiny fishermen, why should Brian Johnston?

NP: He, he hasn't been challenged on tiny fishermen.

TR: Well I'm just challenging him. He is deviating.

BJ: I didn't say they were tiny, I said these fishermen.

TR: No, you...

BJ: Not tiny ones.

NP: You did actually say tiny fishermen...

TR: You said tiny fishermen.

NP: ... but what does it matter?

BJ: How big are they?

NP: It's got nothing to do with what Kenneth Williams said! It's got nothing...

BJ: It's a very interesting party...

NP: You've created absolute chaos out of a practically fresh edition of Just A Minute! There are 11 seconds for Brian Johnston on the Costa del Sol starting now.

BJ: In the net was this enormous corpse. And in his hand was a baton. And he was waving it and he wasn't quite dead...


NP: (can't speak for laughing) John...

JJ: I, I, I imagine you would call it deviation, I call it rubbish!

NP: You challenged before Aturo Toscanini...

JJ: I challenge the fact that this rotting decomposed...

KW: (screaming hysterically) How do you know? You weren't there! You don't know whether he was in the net with a baton or not! You great fool!

NP: There could well have been...

JJ: Thank you, Kenneth Williams!

NP: Yes quite right, it is possible, so he's not deviating from the subject. I have an impossible job and if I wasn't paid, I'd resign! Brian you still have the subject, five seconds, Costa del Sol starting now.

BJ: And as he waved an orchestra started playing...



KW: I should think he's right! (laughs maniacally)

NP: John... (can't speak for laughing) John you challenged.

JJ: I...

NP: Yes I'm inclined to believe, I'm inclined to believe that the orchestra did not start playing on the Costa del Sol when he waved his baton! John Junkin you've got in with two seconds to go on Aturo Toscanini, wait a minute, on Torremilinos, it's the Costa del Sol, I've worked backwards. Two seconds starting now.

JJ: The Costa del Sol or coast of the soul...


NP: Well after the last, that last frenetic round, let me tell you the final result. Kenneth Williams giving his usual exuberant value to the show...

KW: Thank you very much indeed!

NP: He was alongside that master of words and incorrect challenges, Tim Rice, in third place. They trailed a little behind that great writer and irrepressible challenger John Junkin. And the winner, a few points ahead of them all, was the man who has not played the game before, and it was Brian Johnston! We hope you have enjoyed listening to the programme as much as we have enjoyed playing it and we will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air and we try and make sense of this impossible game. Till then from all of us here good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.