WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, BARRY CRYER and GRAEME GARDEN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 2 May 1981)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Well this week we have as our guests, as you just heard, Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer, against two of our regulars, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. And they're all going to try and speak at different times we hope, on the subjects I will give them. And they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we'll begin the show this week with one of our guests, Barry Cryer. Can you tell us something about the subject of getting ice cubes out of the tray. There are 60 seconds starting now.
BARRY CRYER: Getting ice cubes out of the tray is a hazardous and wet procedure. My wife's house-proudness, if expressions such as that there be, leaves something to be desired. The last time I approached the refrigerator and opened the door, something inside closed it again! I gained entry to acquire some of the aforementioned items from the plastic tray, squeezed and they flew across the room, striking my wife in the right eye...
NP: Graeme Garden has challenged.
GRAEME GARDEN: I'm sorry to do this Barry. Repetition of my wife.
NP: Yes you did bring your wife in before. I mean, I know it's lovely to have Terri brought in as often as we can but...
BC: We Mormons are proud people!
NP: So Graeme Garden, our other guest, has got in first with a challenge. So Graeme, a correct challenge, you take a point for that and the subject, 30 seconds are left, getting ice cubes out of the tray starting now.
GG: Getting the ice cubes out of the tray is a problem if you happen to have a tray made of metal. Because the frozen ice cubes in tray tended to make the aforementioned recepta-cle extremely... and you don't get interrupted for bad pronunciation...
NP: Barry Cryer has challenged.
BC: Hesitation in the middle of a word.
NP: Yes hesitation... no, no...
GG: It was an African dialect!
NP: Barry you have the subject back, and there are 13 seconds starting now.
BC: Getting the ice cubes out of the tray be it metal or of any other substance can cause injury and malaise to the person attempting such a risky enterprise. One night...
NP: Barry Cryer speaking as the whistle went, which Ian Messiter blows to tell us 60 seconds is up, gains an extra point and he has the lead at the end of that round. In fact he and Graeme Garden, our two guests, are the only ones to have scored, the only ones to have spoken actually in the first round. So let's now hear from Kenneth Williams, and the subject is creating a disturbance. Kenneth, something I know that you've never done and would never dream of attempting, but would you try and tell us something on the subject in Just A Minute starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: I've seen a lot of evidence of this, especially at meetings where illiterate fools who do not understand either the argument nor the tenor of the conversations that are trying to be held in these various, multifarious I might say, places, endeavour to interrupt. And so ruin the meeting for everyone else. Now I can only say that creating a disturbance in these conditions can only be called discourteous, rude, and ineffective in so far as any light or relief can be thrown upon any subject. And always civilised people can only view it with disfavour. Because to cause a disturbance in any civilised community...
NP: Graeme Garden has challenged.
GG: Repetition of civilised.
NP: Yes you did...
KW: Well you can't have enough of it!
NP: Civilised or otherwise!
BC: We Mormons are proud people!
NP: Yes! Well done Barry! There are eight seconds on creating a disturbance for Graeme Garden, starting now.
GG: There are those who say creating a disturbance is in fact, with a frog in my throat, a physical impossibility. The disturbance...
NP: Graeme Garden demonstrated that it was not a physical impossibility to create a disturbance with a frog in his throat. Kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point, and is in the lead ahead of Barry Cryer at the end of that round. Clement Freud, nice to hear from you. It's your turn to begin, the subject undergraduates. Will you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.
NP: And Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Well hesitation I'm afraid.
NP: It was! We haven't heard from Clement Freud! We hope we will hear from him, before the show is over! And er Kenneth Williams has got the subject of undergraduates, 58 seconds starting now.
KW: In most places they are looked upon as arrogant. And they charge around wearing these colours of the place to which they belong, and alienate the townsmen as they refer to those who don't belong to their august...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CLEMENT FREUD: Hello!
LAUGHTER FROM BC AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: I don't know any...
CF: Also repetition of belong.
NP: That's right yes. The round of applause for hello, and the repetition of the belong. And 47, 43 seconds to continue... sorry, to take over the subject of undergraduates starting now.
CF: I think one of the best japes of which I've heard was when a man went to the police station and said "there's some undergraduates digging up Piccadilly Circus and I think you should arrest them". He then approached those same people who were in the process of excavating the thoroughfare which I mentioned previously and said "there are some undergraduates who are dressed as officers of the law. And I think it is only fair for me to acquaint you with this information." And then stood by as witnessing one of the great fights of all time! I think that's the sort of undergraduate behaviour which we have come to believe...
NP: So Clement Freud keeping going on the subject of undergraduates until the whistle went, for which he gets an extra point, is now in second place alongside Barry Cryer, at the end of that round. Graeme Garden in the lead, and Graeme to begin the next round. Taking a Turkish bath.
GG: As a matter of fact I have never in my life taken a Turkish bath. And if I were to do so, I would put it back at once! The idea of uprooting the entire edifice, dragging it down the street by means of some mobile conveyance, be it motorised or self-propelled in whatever way, and then trying to fit the thing into my living room at home, makes my mind, if you will excuse the expression, boggle! And so that is the reason why Turkish baths have remained unmolested by me for many a year. I won't tell you how many 12-monthly periods I refer to. But it certainly is a goodly sum. However I have in the past taken a different sort of bathing apparatus, namely a slipper of that ilk, home under my arm, and found it not at all difficult. Larger...
NP: Well Graeme Garden demonstrating his excellent use of words in many different ways kept going through 60 seconds. Gets the point for speaking when the whistle went, and a bonus point for not being interrupted. Congratulations, not many guests have done that Graeme! You're strongly in the lead at the end of that round. Barry Cryer's going to begin the next round...
BC: Do you bath in the front room? Oh sorry, sorry!
NP: Interesting to visit his home, wouldn't it?
BC: Entirely hygienic disclosure.
NP: Jumps from the slipper bath to the Turkish, then out to the conventional.
GG: I'm a bath collector.
BC: I never bathe my slippers. They get soggy, they're so...
NP: I know. I never bathe my Turks either.
BC: (laughs) You know your own, you know your own business best, I'm sure!
NP: The subject Barry for you is hypnotism. Will you tell us something about that without putting us to sleep in Just A Minute starting now.
BC: Silence is an integral or indeed integral, minos or mynos, part of hypnotism. Mister Mesmer, the pioneer if not the originator of this technique, used a silence, thus (silence)...
NP: And Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Repetition of the silence.
LAUGHTER FROM BC AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: Well done Clement! A clever challenge and a well deserved point. And 44 seconds for you to take over hypnotism starting now.
CF: I did once actually go to a hypnotist, who was a seedy gentleman in an upstairs room in Harley Street. And I called upon him because I have a smoke allergy and thought he might be able to help. The man put me under his spell very properly and decently. And then reiterated over and yet again that I didn't really mind tobacco and went on like that. Actually it helped. I was able for a few weeks after that meeting to sustain the smell of the odious weed which I've always been very unkeen on. But I then succumbed, went back, and unfortunately...
NP: Well Clement Freud kept going successfully until the whistle went, gained another point, and he's now in the lead alongside Graeme Garden. Interesting to be hypnotised to get used to smoking, most people go there to lose the habit. Kenneth the subject is for you and it is the art of writing. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.
KW: It has been pronounced upon most wondrously by a gentleman. I shall not tell you who I've got in mind, but provide you with a few clues on the way. When he says that it is plain speech which should be transmitted through the writing, so that it should be immediately communicable to even the most unscholastically...
NP: Ah Graeme Garden has challenged.
GG: Yeah, I think I can guess! It's Fowler!
LAUGHTER FROM CF, NP, BC AND THE AUDIENCE
KW: Actually you're completely wrong. It's Plain Words by Sir Ernest Gowan.
GG: That was my second guess.
KW: Ah well you were wrong!
KW: Anyway you've slowed the whole thing down now because I've got completely out of my flow!
KW: I mean I was just under way, wasn't I, you know I was coming on to a very very important thing!
NP: Well grab Flo again and get back with it. Graeme Garden gets a bonus point for a nice challenge, and you get a point for being interrupted, and there are 31 seconds on the art of writing starting now.
KW: He instances the misusage of the plural by quoting from Shakespeare. "There is pansies!" And says we must remember that the lady saying it wasn't herself at the time. Now of course we do know that it is the mad scene that he is referring to, where the poor girl laden with blossoms and various herbal remedies, is accused by the boy of being...
NP: Well Kenneth Williams in spite of an interruption, kept the subject throughout the round, gained two points in doing so, is in third place just behind Clement Freud. Graeme Garden is in the lead, and Clement, your turn to begin. The subject, chad. Will you tell us something about chad in Just A Minute starting now.
CF: Chad is a character who was very much more in evidence at one time than he is now. Who has a longish nose and two arms protruding over a wall, usually, with a message of the kind of "what, no", thereafter follows a noun, verb, even adjective, at the discretion of the illustrator or author of the graffito in question. It's also a country in Africa which I remember particularly well from covering Olympic Games, where Chad was represented usually by only one man, who if I remember correctly was not only an athlete but also a noble gentleman of at least six foot, great stature. And I have been to most continents including Asia, Europe, South America. But when I went...
NP: Well Clement Freud took the subject, achieved the difficult feat of keeping going without being interrupted, has two more points, and has now taken the lead ahead of Graeme Garden. And Graeme your turn to begin, the subject, Humpty Dumpty. Will you tell us something about him in the game starting now.
GG: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the King's horses and all the aforementioned Monarch's men...
NP: Oh! Clement, 50 seconds on Humpty Dumpty starting now.
CF: Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Well it seems a hesitation.
NP: It was a hesitation, 45 seconds for you on Humpty Dumpty starting now.
KW: Well this a charming little nursery rhyme about this figure that sits on the wall. It's often been depicted as a sort of egg-like thing. And I had a friend who was known as Humpty because of this appearance. People used to say "he's like a terrible old boiled egg, isn't he?"
NP: Ah Graeme Garden challenged.
GG: Repetition of egg.
NP: Yes right, Graeme you have 30 seconds...
KW: I said egg-like the first time, which is actually not repetition you see. Because I mean egg-like is in actual fact hyphenated.
NP: I know but you used the word egg and Graeme picked up the repetition of egg...
CF: It's all different now!
KW: Oh it's all different, yes! Did you notice that Clement? Did you notice that? Just because they're guests, they're ganging up, you see! Just because we're the old faithfuls here, week in, week out! These are a couple of guests and they get special privileges! You see? That's what they're after isn't it, giving them privileges!
NP: Not privileges...
KW: Crawling round them! You're the most sycophantic chairman I've ever known! Look at him! In one game, in one game, he couldn't even read! You were there, weren't you! You remember that game, that week! Remember that week when he couldn't even find the cards! He couldn't read them, I tell you! He doesn't know! He's punch-drunk, that's his trouble! He does about three jobs in one day you know! He's always coining it in!
NP: I'll tell you what, they were so impressed with how I couldn't find the cards, that most of those people have come back!
KW: Yes! Yes you do, you do inspire...
NP: To see if I'm going to lose them this week as well!
KW: You inspire a strange loyalty, don't you!
NP: Yes and that proves the point! If I was sycophantic I'd be buttering up to them. But I'm not, I'm giving um ah um...
KW: He don't know what he's doing! Um er!
CF: Are there any other new rules that we ought to know about?
NP: It is not a new rule, I'm just demonstrating my generosity. One of the men who has taken my name in vain more times on television than anyone else, now has the subject of Humpty Dumpty back again and there are 30 seconds starting now.
GG: Humpty Dumpty began his life as a children's poem or riddle. And the people listening to this little verse were supposed to guess the nature of Humpty Dumpty by the clues within it. And when we come to the phrase about Humpty Dumpty falling to pieces and not being able to be reassembled, then that is referring to the impossibility of reconstructing...
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Repetition of referring.
NP: Yes I think you started off with something which you couldn't help repeating yourself Graeme.
GG: I think I did.
BC: He painted himself into a corner!
NP: There are one and a half seconds on Humpty Dumpty with you ah Clement starting now.
CF: This was actually a...
NP: Graeme Garden challenged.
GG: Minimal hesitation!
LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: A very good challenge! It wasn't a hesi, a minimal hesitation, yes. A very good challenge. A minimal hesitation to Graeme Garden, Humpty Dumpty, half a second starting now.
NP: And Barry Cryer did try to get in on the minimal minimal but he failed. Right so Graeme, you've increased, you haven't increased your lead, you're now equal in the lead with Clement Freud at the end of the round. But Barry Cryer is beginning the next round, the subject is my worst public mistake. Will you tell us something about it Barry in Just A Minute starting now.
BC: My worst public mistake is happening now! I am currently experiencing the miasma of lack of thought, obtuseness, denseness, call it what you will, as my organs seize up around my body in a steady sequence, deciding that they themselves will have none of this horrendous incident which is taking place before the eyes and ears of dozens of people. As I sweat, I lose breath, I palpitate, I shake as I perform this abysmal virago, before the tolerant public of this great metropolis...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
NP: And what else in the game?
CF: He did say "I" 19 times!
NP: I know!
CF: He is a guest, I expect there is some new rule about...
BC: I suffer from I strain! I'm sorry!
NP: Well he did say I far too many times. I'll tell you what, we've been generous to our other guest, I'll be generous to this guest, Barry Cryer...
CF: Oh yes! Yes!
NP: And that will even it up...
CF: Yes! I'm sorry I spoke!
NP: Give Clement Freud a bonus point for a superb challenge and he increases his lead. But Barry keeps the subject, my worst public mistake Barry, could you arrogantly continue for 10 seconds starting now.
BC: One is undergoing the most frightening experience of...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: This is deviation, he keeps on about his frightening experience, of this being the worst thing that's happened to him in public. I don't believe a word of it! These people here are not frightening at all! They're very charming and delightful...
BC: They're cowering in their seats as you speak!
NP: I quite agree with your challenge of repetition of experience Kenneth...
NP: Because he wasn't deviating...
NP: You stick to, you stick to repetition! And you have the subject of, with four and a half seconds to go starting now.
KW: My worst experience was at Boscombe when my costume fell off...
NP: Ah Kenneth you have a point for speaking as the whistle went. Would you like to continue your worst public experience?
KW: It's just that the costume came off. But it was a child's play, it wasn't a professional performance so therefore I don't count it professionally as, as a black mark against myself.
NP: No, it wasn't very funny, was it?
KW: It wasn't very funny, but then neither are you! You're still chairman, week in, week out!
NP: Fortunately, I'm not paid to be!
KW: Aren't you? Oh you could have fooled me, buster!
CF: You're not paid to be chairman?
NP: Ah no...
KW: Yeah I've heard he is paid to be chairman!
NP: I'm not paid to be a funny chairman!
KW: I've heard he does very well out of it too! Mmmmm! Coining it in, I'm told! He's just had a new bathroom put in!
LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, NP AND THE AUDIENCE
KW: Ceramic! Mmmmmm! All done out of Pardoe's! Pardoe's Ceramics! Can you believe! The old white lavatory's been good enough for me for years!
KW: The affectation of these people! They go on, get up in the world and they start you know, and I ask myself, how does he do what he does on what he gets? That's what I ask myself! Do I get any answer? No, I don't! You notice he's mute, he's gone quiet! Look! Gone quiet! Yeah, he's gone white as a sheet! Gone white! Look! Yeah it's the guilt!
NP: No, when I hear a comic genius at play...
NP: ... I let him go...
NP: .... I let the audience enjoy so they can have the full value...
NP: ... of your wit, your humour, your erudition, your talent and your charm...
KW: Oh! If I bite my tongue, I get blood poisoning!
NP: Kenneth, at the end of that round, after your rudeness, which the audience enjoyed, we all enjoyed actually. That's why we ask you back. If you couldn't be rude to Nicholas Parsons, I dont't know who else can. Kenneth you are in second place, but you're not far behind Graeme Garden, who's only one point behind our leader Clement Freud.
NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: He must be in third place!
NP: Yes you're absolutely right, but I'm not employed to count as well!
CF: As well as what?
BC: What do you actually do, Nicholas?
NP: As well as make enough money to put in a new bathroom! Clement begins the next round, the subject, my favourite sport starting now.
CF: I really wish I knew what my favourite sport was. Because as you pursue sporting activities, you tend to favour one and then another. Cricket, in 1943, was definitely my favourite sport. I kept wicket, batted and occasionally with my pads on both sides, bowled, although at that time the guardian of the bails was another player because you can't do one thing and then the other at the same time, unless you play the sort of sport which I have never attained to qualitatively. Football I have much admiration for. Plymouth Argyll above all teams, fills me with pleasure and delight...
NP: Barry Cryer has...
BC: Deviation from the truth! Admiration of Plymouth Argyll!
NP: (laughs) Yes I will...
CF: That's wicked!
BC: But sincere!
CF: That's a rotten thing to say!
NP: Actually you could have had him earlier on...
CF: There were 21,000 people at Hume Park the other night! Though...
BC: Were they playing at the time?
NP: No, actually Barry, to be fair, within the game, he can talk about having admiration for Plymouth Argyll.
BC: It overwhelmed me!
NP: I'm going to give you a bonus point for a very, a very good challenge...
BC: It's overwhelming!
NP: But what got me was a...
CF: Well we're not really interested in what gets you!
BC: Kenneth is sliding off!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: At the moment the audience are convulsed...
NP: ... as we all are...
KW: Are you meant to be boring?
NP: Because Kenneth Williams has subsided under the table! As some of form of apoplexy due to the...
KW: Apathy mate, not apoplexy! I had sat long enough and bored with the whole dreary recital of your sporting activities, and this rubbish about parks and these terrible places where these games are played.
NP: Well you should have had him for deviation...
CF: He couldn't have had me!
NP: ... when he talked about bowling with his pads on. But nobody spotted it...
NP: So Clement you still have the subject of my favourite sport, 15 seconds starting now.
CF: A breathless hush in the Close tonight,
Ten to make and the last man in,
A bumping pitch and a blinding light,
An hour to play and the last man in...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Repetition, wasn't it?
KW: He said hour to play twice.
CF: Nor did Newbold!
KW: Yes you did! You said "10 to play" or said something...
NP: Quite right, no, no, Newbold didn't say it either. He was quoting there.
KW: He didn't say "to play" twice?
NP: No, no, no, no...
KW: Oh well I'm mistaken! It sounded very much like a repetition to me!
NP: So Clement you keep the subject and there are um, seven seconds left, my favourite sport starting now.
CF: Real tennis as practised at Hampton Court, Lord's Cricket Ground, Oxford and the Racquets Club of New York...
NP: That was a very loud applause for Clement Freud because you're going to have to clap him again in a minute, because we've now reached the end of the show, so I'll give you the final score. Barry Cryer returning again to triumph where he triumphed before, did finish in a different position. You were third last time, you were fourth this time. But Kenneth Williams finished in a very strong third position, I've seen him do that before. And Graeme Garden, who hasn't been with us in this series before, did extremely well, very very nearly won at one point. But just was beaten in the end by our winner once more, in Just A Minute, Clement Freud! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again. Till then from all of us here good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.