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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 11 April 1981)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we're delighted to welcome back Sheila Hancock, who very graciously and kindly comes along to try and compete with these three unruly regulars. So Sheila welcome to the show. And once again along with the other three I'm going to ask you to speak if you can for Just A Minute on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And we begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams and Kenneth the subject is fruit. So can you tell us something about fruit in the game starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: It's used jocularly very often. People cry out "hello, me old fruit!" And if asked for a favourite delectation, I would plump for the cumquat. It has a delightful taste, and the rind being at the inside being sweet provides a delightful, paradoxical if you will... BUZZ NP: Ah Sheila Hancock challenged. SHEILA HANCOCK: Repetition of delightful. NP: Yes! You said delightful twice Kenneth. So Sheila Hancock who's very sharp at this game has got in very rapidly... KW: Mmmm! Yes! Miss Sharp, straight out of the knife box! Mmmm! NP: And there are 41 seconds for you, having got a point for a correct challenge Sheila, to take over the subject of fruit starting now. SH: The best fruit I've ever tasted was when I went, luckily, to a holiday in Bali. Where you have the most exotic, subtle, tasting things that you've ever seen in all your life. And the colours, are mellow greens, bright reds, vivid oranges, livid yellows. And the tastes leave a... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation. NP: Yes she really was running... SH: It was a kind of elongation... DN: Yes! SH: ... more than a hesitation. NP: Yes it was an elongated clever subtle ploy to keep yourself going... SH: Because I didn't know what the hell to say next! NP: I don't think you quite achieved it Sheila! There are 18 and a half seconds left Derek, for you to take over the subject of fruit starting now. DN: Sheikh Rachid of Dubai in the United Arab Emirates has built the most magnificent fruit gardens. And you get into a motorised dow and along the railway track you travel through vast pineapples, bananas, grapes, pears and so on... BUZZ NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: He said you travel through vast pineapples! DN: Yes! You do! KW: Well I've never seen anyone travelling through a pineapple! DN: You do! You do! KW: How could you get inside a pineapple and travel? The whole thing is ridiculous! You might mean pineapple plantation... DN: No! KW: ... You might well... NP: The point is, Derek, Derek, can you explain how you actually travel through a pineapple? DN: There are 20 foot high pineapples and you travel through them on this little dow. KW: You're joking! PETER JONES: Yeah but you said you travel through grapes as well! You can't have a 10 foot grape! DN: You can! PJ: No wonder there's trouble in the Middle East! NP: Derek, I think you've made your point, you can travel through, out in the east, through this huge cut-out pineapple. So you keep the subject, with four seconds to go and a point for a wrong challenge starting now. DN: PG Wodehouse said "whatho old fruit!" very frequently in his books and... BUZZ WHISTLE NP: Peter Jones challenged just before the second. PJ: Repetition. NP: What of? PJ: PG Wodehouse was repeating this er thing, he said he said it many times in his books! NP: I mean it's a repetitious thought but he wasn't actually repeating any of the words in Just A Minute which are the rules Peter. Which as you've only been with us for about 14 years might be very difficult for you. PJ: Ah yes yes, well I'm trying to get the hang of it! NP: Ah yes right so Peter, let's give Peter a nice point for that because we enjoyed the challenge. Derek gets one for a wrong challenge and you have half a second Derek to continue on fruit starting now. DN: One type... WHISTLE NP: So ah when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was Derek Nimmo who naturally has the lead at the end of that round. He seems to have some spare fruit on him at the present moment! If you wondered what that unsolicited laugh was, listeners, it was Derek Nimmo spilling water all over himself! He'll do anything to get the audience reaction. Peter Jones, it's your turn to begin, the subject is rocking chairs. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now. PJ: I like rocking chairs. I have several at home. What a marvellous invention they were. I suppose perhaps they may have arrived by accident because the first person who ever made a chair of any kind, it was probably wobbly because the legs weren't quite even. We have several of those at our... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Several, repetition of several. NP: Yes there was more than one several, I'm sorry Peter. PJ: Yes there was yes. NP: Yes so Derek has another point and the subject of rocking chairs and there are 44 seconds starting now. DN: Often on a midsummer afternoon I climb into my rocking chair, on the veranda, snuggle up and watch the sun go down behind the distant mountains. Smoking a while my briar pipe, in which I have decomposing compost. But the rocking chair is a lovely creation, as Mister Peter Jones, so wisely put it. Somehow it induces within one the feeling of tranquility. And so I think that's probably why that awfully clever comedian often sits in one, those things I think as well.... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged. SH: Oh no, I thought he said awfully twice. PJ: He did. SH: No, he said awfully and often. It sounded the same coming from him, but it isn't! PJ: Yes! NP: It's this new Dubai accent he's picked up which is very confusing! So solly Sheila... solly Sheila? Um he didn't actually so Derek you continue with 11 seconds on rocking chairs starting now. DN: Wilberforce Jones invented a kind of rocking chair... BUZZ NP: Ah Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Repetition of Jones. DN: (laughs) Absolutely true! Yes! NP: Right so Peter you have seven seconds, no, eight seconds on rocking chairs starting now. PJ: Yes well I've sat many an hour in a rocking chair... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of sat. NP: You've sat before I'm afraid Peter. PJ: Did I? NP: Yes you did, when... PJ: I don't remember that! NP: I know but I have to remember otherwise they castigate me! There are five and a half seconds from Derek on rocking chairs starting now. DN: And sometimes I push them up and down so rapidly, they spin right over, head over heels and fall over on to an open... WHISTLE NP: Derek Nimmo's got quite a number of points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went so he has increased his lead. And he also begins the next round and the subject is shooting stars. Will you tell us something about those in the game Derek starting now. DN: Shooting stars are of course meteors that go through the night sky with a great luminous light before they hit the earth. In times past they were often equated with comets as a sign of impending disaster. When one saw a shooting star, one was filled with fear, because you thought some tremendous calamity was about to take place. I think one was seen before the death... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well he keeps talking about one. NP: Yes he's had actually four ones. PJ: Yes, four ones which make four! NP: So er Peter I agree with your challenge... PJ: Thank you very much, thank you. NP: And there are, there are 34 seconds for you to take over the subject of shooting stars starting now. PJ: Actually it's an electronic game that I've invented. You can play it with your television set. And you aim a plastic gun... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: No! Almost but not quite! Peter you keep the subject and there are 26 seconds on shooting stars starting now. PJ: Pulling the trigger when you see a particular celebrity you dislike intensely! And this game I think has got an enormous future... BUZZ NP: What a pity! Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of game. NP: Yes you did say game before when... PJ: Oh yes, well, I... NP: We were wondering all the stars that you were going to be put up for shooting down. PJ: Yes. NP: Um Derek has got the subject back and there are 18 seconds on shooting stars starting now. DN: I think probably I would like to shoot Oliver Reed more than most stars because he does seem to be particularly tiresome. If Nicholas Parsons were one, I think I would also fire at him. But sadly of course he will never be one of these great luminaries. But as they say... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well he said one twice again so that's six altogether! NP: After what he's just said, I'd give it against him anyway! PJ: Well I know! It's like Princess Anne on the show! LOUD LAUGHTER FROM SH, DN AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Peter you've got in with three seconds to go on shooting stars starting now. PJ: Shooting stars could be a blood sport... WHISTLE NP: So Peter Jones kept going till the whistle went, gained that extra point as well as others in the round, and he is creeping up on our leader. He's only three points behind Derek Nimmo, but quite a few ahead of Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams. Sheila your turn to begin and the subject is the problem I had last week, 60 seconds starting now. SH: Well I suppose the biggest problem I had last week was my indigestion. (starts to laugh) I woke up one morning with this terrible pain across my stomach... (breaks down in laughter) BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged. SH: (barely able to speak for laughter) I just... DN: Interference! LAUGHTER FROM SH, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE SH: (still laughing) No, it was me! I just suddenly thought what will happen if Kenneth gets this subject? Knowing the things I've heard him say in private about indigestion! NP: Yes! SH: It's in the interests of the public that you let me keep this subject for a long time! LAUGHTER FROM SH, NP AND THE AUDIENCE SH: (still laughing) It really is! No, I just got the giggles! NP: I know you did... SH: The subject made me get the giggles... (still crying with laughter) PJ: What made you laugh in the middle of this harrowing story? NP: She was laughing, listen, Sheila talked about ... SH: (still barely able to get words out for laughing) It was Kenneth and I used to, when I was a show with Kenneth and I, we used to have endless jokes about indigestion which he was always getting. And I suddenly remembered.... (breaks down in laughter again) NP: Sheila, save it for the show because I'm going to let you continue. SH: (still crying with laughter) Oh all right. NP: Right so Sheila still has the subject, I don't know how. But there are 47 seconds on the problem I had last week starting now. SH: Well I woke up in the morning and I felt this tummy... (breaks down in uncontrollable laughter) BUZZ NP: Derek you challenged. DN: It must be hesitation or something, mustn't it? NP: I think it must be something. DN: General collapse really. NP: General collapse. I think you'll have to take it over whatever happens Derek, because I don't think she could continue with her interference. There are 43 seconds for you Derek, the problem I had last week starting now. DN: Oh the problem I had last week was trying to get to Just A Minute. Because I happened to be in Bahrain and then tr... flew from there... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: And then tra, flew. NP: Yes, hesitation, right Kenneth, you have this problem now... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Twenty-seven seconds on the problem I had last week starting now. KW: The problem I had last week is one of the reasons why Miss Hancock was laughing, because I have it frequently and it was to do with eruptation. That is to say the emission of air which can come from either end... SH AND THE AUDIENCE HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER KW: ... of the body. This has often caused a lot of amusement for the lady I mentioned before. Because in the middle of a certain scene we were playing one day, there was emitted a noise. And this resulted in her saying to me "I think the front row heard that!" And I must say the scene did suffer... WHISTLE NP: So we had the story at last from Kenneth and not from Sheila. So Kenneth you kept going until the whistle went, you got that extra point for doing so... KW: Which means I'm in the lead! NP: Still in last place, I'm afraid! What a, what does it matter when you give such value to the show! KW: Well you're very charming, I must say! NP: You're equal with Sheila Hancock in third place, trailing a little behind Peter Jones, and quite a bit behind Derek Nimmo. Kenneth it's your turn to begin, the subject is trying. Something you never do in this game, and something you never are as well. But would you talk on it for Just A Minute if you can starting now. KW: It's interesting that I should have been given the subject of trying. Because I've attended the Old Bailey very regularly. At one point I was a devotee in the Upper Gallery, and later on I had the honour, if you will, of being given a corporation seat which is something of a privilege. And to watch those gentlemen, bewigged and gowned, trying their cases, with the kind of meticulous attention, even saying "just a moment, I didn't quite hear that sentence", and writing everything in longhand, intrigued me. And I remember saying to the constable at the public entrance "what court has got the best one? I don't want all that summing up, I'm only interested in cross-examination". That's where you get the thrust of the barrister and the question that might trap the witnesses... WHISTLE NP: So that hasn't happened for a while, someone starting with the subject, and 60 seconds later still having it, not having been interrupted because he didn't commit any of the faults of the game. So Kenneth you get a point for speaking as the whistle went and a bonus for not being interrupted. And you are still in third place but you are ahead of Sheila Hancock who's now gone into fourth place alas. But you are catching up on Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo. And Peter your turn to begin, the subject, overemotional women. Would you like to talk on that in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well it's a sexist impression. It's more often than not used by under-emotional men to describe perfectly normal human beings. I think probably Sheila will agree with me on this point. There is a tremendous prejudice against ladies in business affairs and in high places in our finance houses for instance and huge er inter... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes I think so unfortunately. DN: Oh! (laughs) NP: So there are... well you have to judge. Last time I gave Peter the benefit of the doubt. This time I've given it to you... PJ: It's quite, it's quite arbitrary really! I mean it's nothing to do with whether one's actually hesitated. But I'm quite prepared, to er you know, take part in the lottery! LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Well said Peter! There are 29 seconds with you Derek on overemotional women starting now. DN: Maggie May... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: Undoubtedly yes! You have the subject... DN: (laughs) You were rather lucky in the lottery that time! NP: You have the subject of overemotional women and there are 27 seconds left starting now. KW: I went with an overemotional woman on board, and this is fact, a Chemyss Apollo. And she inquired of a sailor who was an engineer on board the aforementioned ship... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: She was on board twice. NP: She was on board twice. KW: Well you're a fool to yourself! You've just done yourself out of a very interesting story! That's what's happened! You're a fool to yourself, Nimmo, you see! NP: Repetition of fool to yourself, but Nimmo... KW: You're a fool to yourself every time! NP: There was no lottery there, you definitely have the subject, there are 14 seconds on overemotional women starting now. DN: She grabbed him in her arms and smothered him with red-hot passionate kisses, and he fell on the floor and she rushed on top of him and tore at his hair. He screamed with submission... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well he's describing something which might well be, you know, in the realms of passionate love scenes. But it's nothing to do with overemotional women. NP: She doesn't sound as though she was under-emotional! KW: She was getting on top of a man and tearing his hair out! That's nothing to do with emotional women. NP: There's no emotion involved in that? KW: No, but obviously she's a pugilist or... PJ: Well she's not frigid! That's for sure! LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN, SH AND THE AUDIENCE NP: (barely able to speak for laughing) I agree with... PJ: Red-hot kisses! Go on! I was getting quite excited! I don't want you to stop now halfway through! NP: Well he's only got four seconds to tell us of what happened after that and you start now. DN: And I grabbed hold of this man and said "go away! Leave this damsel in distress..." WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo was speaking again as the whistle went and has increased his lead. And Derek, your turn to begin, the subject, tramps. Can you tell us something about them in the game starting now. DN: The glory of the merchant fleet, those dear little tramps steamers that we see going round the coast of England, often unheralded and indeed unsung. But one remembers John Masefield's dear poem which Kenneth, I know, knows so well. "Dirty British coaster with a salt-caked smokestack, butting through the Channel in the mad March days with a cargo of Tyne coal, road-rail, pig-lead, firewood, ironware, and cheap tin trays." How evocative it is, the wonderful alliteration at the end, which describes that dear little tramp... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of dear. NP: Yes you talked about the dear little poem, the dear little tramp. And now there are 22 seconds for Peter to take over the subject of tramps starting now. PJ: Well when I was a small boy, we lived literally very near the workhouse. And tramps used to go past the house and occasionally drop in and ask for a cup of tea or a bit of bread and butter. And I was quite er... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: I was quite er. NP: Quite er, yes Kenneth, you have eight and a half seconds to tell us something about tramps starting now. KW: It springs to mind the tramp who rushed up to the very well-dressed gentleman and said "I haven't eaten for three days!" And the man said "well you must force yourself!" WHISTLE NP: Well Kenneth speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point as well as others. And now he is equal in second place with Peter Jones, behind Derek Nimmo, and ahead of Sheila Hancock. And Sheila your turn to begin. The subject Sheila, is winkles. After your indigestion they've given you winkles. Don't go well together, but will you talk on the subject for Just A Minute if you can starting now. SH: Well I have very happy memories of winkles. When I lived in King's Cross, it was our Sunday treat to put on our best dresses, my sister and I, over which we always wore a special apron. And we used to go to the local corner and there was a man with a lovely barrow and he used to sell winkles and shrimps. And I remember they were sold in pint or two pint mugs... BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged. SH: Ah! NP: You rotten thing! DN: Three pints! NP: Yes there were too many pints, weren't there? Derek, 37 seconds on winkles starting now. DN: I remember getting a pair of shoes which were called winkle-pickers. And they had very sharp points. And I was a tremendously natty dancer in those days. Wonderfully good at the military two-step and the parry-glide, and all sorts of lovely movements... BUZZ DN: What's the matter? NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: I'm afraid this is deviation. The subject is winkles, now we're on to shoes. And the shoes are not even called winkles, they're called winkle-pickers, and the subject is winkles. I don't think that he can get away from this being deviation. NP: No, he'd got away from winkles, on to his prowess as a dancer. KW: Precisely! NP: I agree yes. KW: Precisely! NP: That was more concisely put, wasn't it. KW: What a very good chairman we've got this week! NP: Not the one they usually have, obviously! Kenneth you have 24 and a half seconds to tell us something about winkles starting now. KW: I was brought up with a Cockney atmosphere and they used to cry out "when you're eating winkles, and the pins are few, smack 'em with a hammer like the big toffs do!" And we enjoys these sort of songs around the... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: I don't think so, no. Continue Kenneth please on... PJ: The words didn't come readily to his lips, did it. NP: No, but sometimes they don't but he didn't pause long enough to be penalised. There are... PJ: He prac.... he stopped long enough for me to press the buzzer! NP: Kenneth I disagree with the challenge, you keep going if you can for 11 and a half seconds on winkles starting now. KW: My father always used a needle to get them out, and wouldn't consume any until he'd got a great pile in front of him. Which always annoyed me because I felt... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock challenged. SH: Two always. NP: Yes I'm sorry Kenneth. Sheila's got in with two seconds to go on the subject of winkles starting now. SH: Then you put them on a piece of white... WHISTLE NP: So Sheila got an extra point for speaking as the whistle went, but alas, she's still in fourth place, but not so far behind Peter Jones now, and Kenneth Williams who will begin the next round. Kenneth the subject is gin. Can you tell us something about that in the game... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: He pulled an awful face which made the audience laugh, but he's going to try and keep going if he can starting now. KW: When I came out of the Army, I remember thinking it was terribly smart to go into restaurants and say "I want an aperitif, a gin" in Italian. If you felt particularly pretentious, you sometimes said "gin" in French. I never understood what these references to foreign countries really meant and then someone enlightened me and said "it's gin with a vermouth hailing from those countries". I said "I see and why in the middle of this gin is a cherry plopped? Invitingly, admittedly! What does it have to do...?" "Ahhh," they said, "it's to give a special flavour to it. You see, gin is made from the juniper berry." I said "I've no idea!" Because you know, I've always thought it was the sort of thing like... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well gin isn't made with the juniper berry, the juniper berry is used to flavour it! You can make gin out of practically anything! And they do! NP: Certainly they do, but they also make it from juniper berries. PJ: You think so? NP: Yes, not just flavouring with it. That is the usual standard gin that we drink is... DN: Out of juniper berries? NP: Yeah. DN: Oh really? KW: Have you ever heard of slow gin, you great fool! Have you heard of that! PJ: Yes, that's flavouring! That's flavouring! Well you don't see many juniper berries in this country. I suppose they must get them, the giant ones, from the places that he was talking about! KW: Yes he goes travelling through 'em, he does! PJ: Yes! KW: He goes right through 'em, he goes right through them, the juniper berries in Dubai! NP: Um actually um, you, you have a point actually and I... KW: Have I got the subject? PJ: I have a point? NP: Yes... PJ: Well I wanted a point! That's why I pressed the buzzer! KW: You haven't got a point so shut up! PJ: Oh talking about gin... NP: Kenneth would you like to keep going, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and you keep going for 13 seconds on gin starting now. KW: And on one occasion, drinking a gin next to a rather large lady, I said "are you having another?" And she said "no, it's just the way my coat's done up?" LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN, PJ, NP AND THE AUDIENCE WHISTLE DN: Very good! NP: Oh we're going to take some time to recover from that one! So Kenneth yes, keeping going till the whistle went, you got another point as well as others... KW: So I'm in the lead! Yes! Go on! Go on! NP: No, second place! KW: Oh! SH: Good Lord, he seems to have got an awful lot of points and not got anywhere! NP: Listen... KW: I know! It's the same every week! NP: I will tell you... KW: I don't get anywhere! NP: You do, you got very far. People have won with as many points as you've got now. Eleven! But this wretch over here went sailing ahead right at the start... DN: (laughs) Why am I a wretch? NP: Yes you are a wretch, you know you are, Derek Nimmo. KW: Oh I don't like to see discord! We should all be happy and gay! PJ: Nicholas... LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE NP: I'll be happy... PJ: No er... Nicholas... NP: I'll settle for being happy, someone else can take over the other adjective! PJ: Nicholas is prejudiced because he thinks you're a naturalised Arab! NP: He looks like one tonight in that gear he's got on! Yes! PJ: He does! He's just come from Dubai, you know! NP: Yes! PJ: Where the big fruits come from! NP: Well that's the first time that I managed to get Derek Nimmo going after having been rude to me. But there we are! So there's always a first for everything. Thank you very much Derek and you were certainly overemotional there and you were going right through the pineapple and the audience loved it! Sheila, it was lovely having you as a guest. But with these three experienced exponents of the game, I'm afraid you finished up in third place. But you were only one point behind Peter Jones. You were three points behind Kenneth, no, five points behind Kenneth Williams who was in second place. But they didn't quite catch up that extrovert exponent of the game who I accidentally called a wretch in the most affectionate terms! But he didn't like it because he's very sensitive is Derek Nimmo. But our sensitive Derek is the winner this week! So congratulations. You can stop clapping now actually because I just want to say congratulations to all of them for what they contributed to the show. We hope that you have enjoyed it in the audience, and we particularly hope that the listeners at home have enjoyed and will want to tune in the same time next week when once again we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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