NOTE: Clement Freud's 450th appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only in this country but throughout the world. And also to welcome to the show four talented and distinctive players of the game who once more are going to show off their verbal dexterity, their creative ingenuity, and their humorous fantasy as they try and speak for Just A Minute on the subject that I give them and they try and do that also without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And those four talented people are Paul Merton, Graham Norton, Liza Tarbuck and Clement Freud. Would you please welcome all four of them! And beside me sits Claire Bartlett who’s going to help me keep the score, and blow the whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Radio Theatre in the heart of Broadcasting House. As we start the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement, the subject is alternative medicine. And you have 60 seconds as usual, starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: In olden days when people were ill, they went to a doctor and either became better or worse. And the medic used to get tremendous applause if he succeeded and never any blame. Now we have alternative medicine, people who lay their hands on you to heal you, who send you to have injections... go on diets... jump in lakes...


CF: ... be tattooed...

NP: I wondered when someone was going to challenge. Yes Liza you got in first.

CF: Yeah, I was waiting!

LIZA TARBUCK: You could have driven a train through that, I'm sure! Alternative or no.

NP: So hesitation.

LT: Yes!

NP: It's a correct challenge, so Liza you get a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject, there are 30 seconds available, alternative medicine starting now.

LT: Alternative medicine is a wonderful thing. I particularly favour acupuncture. I like my channels to be flowing and free. And I like my cheeks...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Two likes.

NP: There were two likes.

LT: Ah, fair does.

NP: Fair does, and you've got the subject back Clement, 21 seconds available, alternative medicine starting now.

CF: Osteopathy...


NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PAUL MERTON: Now we've all had a drink! There's no need, there's no need to use language like that. There's, you know there's nice ladies and gentlemen listening to this show. I mean you know, it's rude!

NP: What is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

PM: Well it's just vulgar language!

NP: Not if you're an osteopath!

PM: Well you know I think...

NP: No Paul it was a surreal challenge but it wasn't correct within the rules of...

PM: You're being very kind!

NP: Yes it wasn't correct within the rules of Just A Minute so Clement has another point for an incorrect challenge, he keeps alternative medicine, 19 seconds starting now.

CF: Since the eradication of leeches to help your blood disease and similar maladies...


NP: Graham challenged yes?

GRAHAM NORTON: In fairness that was a hesitation, wasn't it.

NP: That was a hesitation.

GN: Yeah it was, it was!

CF: The whole thing!

NP: I don't know, he's, he's, he's struggling a bit on this one. Graham you have a correct challenge, you have a point of course, 10 seconds available, alternative medicine starting now.

GN: The only real alternative to medicine is of course certain death. I can't imagine why you'd opt for that. Unless you were very boohoo sick. Now I...


NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Graham Norton, so at the end of that round Graham Norton has two points alongside Clement Freud, and then Liza Tarbuck and er Paul Merton. Liza will you take the next round, the subject is bugs. Tell us something about bugs in Just A Minute starting now.

LT: Bed bugs when magnified could keep a small child awake for years! I personally saw them when I was about 12, and thought that it was some sort of alien discovery from outer space. Water bugs, on the other hand, can be quite pleasant, drifting around pools, creating little sticky bits around their feet and generally doing things with silt that we don't need to know, but somebody does! I am actually very anxious about the sort of airborne bugs that one catches, that causes you to vomit for hours and hours if not weeks...


NP: Um Clement Freud challenged.

LT: Oh hours and hours!

NP: Yes!

LT: See, I relaxed then, didn't I! I shouldn't have!

NP: Hours and hours, right Clement, another point to you and 28 seconds available, you tell us something about bugs starting now.

CF: If you're a nice person, you don't kill bugs. What you do is you catch them and throw them out of a window from a very great height...


NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: That would kill them, wouldn't it! It's deviation. You don't kill them, you throw them out of a window from a very great height! What's the poor bug, the poor bug thinks, suddenly a hand comes down, oh I'm going to be killed, no, I'm not going to be killed, I'm not going to be killed...

NP: Some bugs could...

PM: ... I'm in a lift, where am I going, I'm going up higher and higher! Oh this is good! Oh there's a window, what a lovely view... ahhhhhhhhhh!

NP: I almost want to give you something for dramatic performance actually but...

PM: Yeah!

NP: But actually some bugs can fly. So they might throw them the window and then fly off, you see.

GN: Mmmm yeah...

PM: Well what's the point of that?

NP: He's trying to save them! He's environmentally very friendly.

PM: But what were they doing before he picked them up?

NP: I don't know! Ask Clement! Ah I don't think within the rules of Just A Minute it was...

PM: Altitude sickness!

NP: I don't think it was a fair challenge. So well tried Paul, we enjoyed listening to your tirade. But Clement, you get another point, you have 18 seconds, bugs starting now.

CF: You could practice reflexology on bugs...


NP: Ah Liza challenged.

LT: Hesitation.

NP: Absolutely because I don't think you could. I'd have had him for deviation as well as that. Getting a little tiny fly and trying to get hold of his legs and put your thumb on them...

CF: A centipede, I thought!

LT: You could be there for days.

NP: Bugs is with you now Liza, 15 seconds starting now.

LT: If you suspected your husband of having an affair, or you wanted to obtain some business information that you weren't privy to beforehand, it might be prudent to out a bug into the telephone or as we've seen in films, insert on into a lamp so...


NP: So Liza Tarbuck was then speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point. And she's now in second place, just behind Clement Freud, and just ahead of Graham Norton and Paul Merton. And Graham your turn to begin, the subject is Victoria and Albert. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

GN: Victoria was a very posh woman who became Queen. That's why posh people are still called Victoria...


GN: Oh I've said posh twice.

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Two posh.

NP: There were too many poshes.

GN: I've never been accused of that before!

NP: Right so Paul you've got a point, you've got in with 49 seconds to tell us something about Victoria and Albert starting now.

PM: When Victoria first met her future husband, Albert Memorial, she was struck by the enormous height of the man. He was an extraordinarily tall fellow, and in Victorian times which was named after Victoria, she was er particularly...


NP: Oh they enjoyed the expression on the face and that's why they clapped. But Graham you got in first.

GN: Oh er he stopped, hesitation.

NP: Right, 31 seconds, you've got Graham, I was going to say Graham and Albert back. You have got Victoria... you have got Victoria and Albert back with you Graham, starting now.

GN: Interesting say you should say that because Victoria Beckham, Victoria Hervey-Jones...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Oh repetition of Victoria, I was going to say.

GN: I did, I did repeat it.

PM: Yes I know.

GN: You heard me right!

NP: Yes he did repeat it yes. But you thought he was going to repeat posh and she said Beckham on this occasion. So an incorrect challenge Graham, and you've still got Victoria and Albert and you have 25 seconds starting now.

GN: When you did have to pay for museums, I asked for a refund when I went to the Victoria and Albert one because they're not in in there, in no shape or form! Lots of other mummies, no sign of Vic or Al! I said "where are they?" They didn't know. I searched high and low...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of they.

NP: Yes a lot of theys.

GN: Oh yes.

NP: Clement, another point, 10 seconds, Victoria and Albert starting now.

CF: I think the Victoria and Albert Museum is one of the finest museums...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I can't believe...


PM: I can't believe I fell for that!

NP: No, no!

PM: Museum and museums!

NP: That's right! It's not your day actually!

PM: He was halfway through museums...

NP: I know...

PM: ... and at Clement's pace, I had time to think about it! And I really couldn't, I looked and I couldn't see an S coming towards me! I could see something that looked like a comma, but it then became an S so my challenge is ridiculous and needless and pointless...

NP: You've explained the workings of your mind which are very convoluted and very very enjoyable to listen to...

PM: Yeah.

NP: But unfortunately weren't correct within the rules of Just A Minute...

PM: No.

NP: Or they're no use to you in Just A Minute. So Clement, another point to you, Victoria and Albert starting now.

CF: It is interesting and also sad to realise how little Elizabeth and Philip there is...


NP: When Claire so delicately tweaked on her whistle then, she meant that the 60 seconds was up, and who was speaking then? It was Clement Freud who's got a good lead at the end of that round, followed by Graham Norton and Liza Tarbuck and Paul Merton, for once in fourth place. But Paul, your turn to begin, the subject CCTV. Go on the subject Paul, 60 seconds starting now.

PM: CCTV was invented several years ago. And there were many liberty people who thought to themselves well, I don't know...


NP: Graham Norton challenged.

GN: What's a liberty people?

NP: Yes!

PM: They lived, they're sort of like people, they're people who believe in liberty.

GN: Oh fair enough! No, I was just curious!

NP: But it didn't make sense in the context in which you were using it.

PM: Oh if we've got to make sense, I might as well go home!

NP: I'm sure I will find a chance to redress the balance Paul. On this occasion I give the benefit of the doubt to Graham, who has CCTV and 51 seconds starting now.

GN: CCTV is a marvellous invention. For dear friends, if you did hold up a filling station, how else would you get to remember the lovely occasion? Unless you could bring the video home and watch it over and over again...


GN: Oh I said over twice.

NP: Liza challenged.

LT: Over.

NP: Too many overs yes.

LT: Do you know I need a tissue!

NP: Liza tell us something about CCTV starting now.

LT: CCTV could be in... oh!


NP: Right, two lights came on together. So it shows you how fair I am, and they happen to be Graham's and Paul's, so I gave Graham...


NP: And that was yours Clement and I'm not going to give anything! Stop it, stop it! Benefit of the doubt to Graham last time, Paul you have the benefit this time, you take the subject and a point of course, CCTV, 33 seconds starting now.

PM: One always looks very guilty when you see this footage back. It's often played on such shows as Crimewatch, and The Nine O'clock News. Usually when there's been some kind of misdemeanour or felon has been caught in the act. I wonder what we used to do before the days of CCTV. Did street artists hang around various roads sketching everybody that went past in the hope or indeed perhaps the mistaken belief that they were about to commit a crime. The Great Train Robbery was initially carried out by some people who...


NP: So Paul kept going with a long session on that subject and he finished up speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so, and he has leapt forward. But he's still trailing the others just a little, but that's one of those things. Clement your turn to begin, the subject, an air of authority. Will you tell us something about an air of authority in this game starting now.

CF: An air of authority, unlike the 'air of the dog that bit you is something I've never quite understood. Although Prince Charles must be considered an heir of authority. Never has some...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes it was. He got that groan from the audience and he hesitated. I'm not surprised!

CF: I was riding a groan!

NP: So Paul, another point to you, and you've got the subject of an air of authority, 45 seconds starting now.

PM: If you want to know the true definition of somebody who has an air of authority, then I would direct you to... look no further...


NP: Graham Norton challenged.

GN: It was a sort of hesitationy thing.

NP: Yes it was a hesitationy thing. So you have it, and you have 37 seconds, an air of authority starting now.

GN: Some teachers in school do not have an air of authority, while others do have an air of authority. Or a cane as it is known! I remember being so frightened of some people who were teaching us in the big building with the books, just there by the hill. Oh the bike, it will be very hard to get there. But I'll try, I'm young, I have strength in my legs! And when I arrive, I...



NP: Yes it was a sort of er, it was a er...

GN: Self-combustion I felt.

NP: Clement you challenged first.

CF: Repetition of some.

NP: Yes there was some, well done. So you repeated some. Clement, another correct challenge to you, nine seconds, an air of authority starting now.

CF: An air of authority is something which is absolutely essential if you set out to become a politician and try...


NP: Liza challenged.

LT: Do you know that was whispery, that, that was ah, as he took a breath, I dived in to say hesitation because I knew there was about two seconds left. Which makes me wrong!

NP: It makes you wrong yes, I was wondering whether you were going to have him for deviation on the, on the politician...

LT: Yeah I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm perspiring, I'm sorry.

NP: But we won't go down that road. Because Clement, an incorrect challenge and you still have an air of authority, well, you've always had an air of authority, but you have the subject of an air of authority, and two seconds starting now.

CF: Friends, Romans and countrymen...


NP: Right so at the end of that round, Clement Freud's increased his lead. He's now just ahead of Graham Norton, and then in third place Liza Tarbuck and Paul Merton are equal. Liza it's your turn to begin...

LT: Oh good!

NP: The subject is the public eye. Tell us something about the public eye in this game starting now.

LT: George Orwell wrote a book once called Nineteen-Eighty-Four. I hope the Lord that that's correct. But the public eye, it strikes me, is in the same sort of shadow as that, a great big unblinking eye, looking down at us all from levels of notoriety, judging each and every one of you, ladies and gentlemen. Certainly not me. I could pop out for some chuck steak and be caught outside the butchers and have that picture in a magazine. What does it mean? Nothing! Now you can go off and murder someone, and grab yourself a couple of double pages in The Daily Express, and find yourself within the public...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition, repetition of yourself.

NP: Yes yourself.

LT: Oh thank you for that!


NP: Well did you understand...

LT: No, he's playing the game! That's why we're here!

NP: Yes! Paul, a correct challenge, 23 seconds, the public eye starting now.

PM: Some people who are in the public eye do complain about it. But of course if you have set out to achieve some fame or notoriety, the last thing you should be doing is moaning about the success you have achieved. I would never think of disguising myself in the public eye...


PM: I would wander around proud...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of would.

NP: Yes he said would more than once.

PM: He's bluffing you Nicholas!

NP: No, he's not. I would not...

PM: You're not sure! You're agreeing with him but you're not sure! How many times did I say would Nicholas?

NP: You said it twice, which is repetition.

PM: Oh technically that's repetition, yeah!

NP: Clement, 50... only five seconds, the public eye starting now.

CF: I have not myself been on the public eye, and look forward enormously being asked...


NP: Liza challenged.

LT: He's referring of course to the London Eye and the not the public eye, ladies and gentlemen.

CF: No, I wasn't!

LT: You, on the public eye?

NP: Can you justify it Clement?

LT: You're a rascal, Mister Freud!

NP: I know, no, you're bluffing this time.

GN: That's sir to you!

NP: A point to you Liza, half a second to go starting now.

LT: The public eye...


NP: Oh so Clement Freud's still in the lead, but he's followed in equal second place, Liza Tarbuck, Graham Norton and Paul Merton all together there.

LT: Oh!

NP: So very interesting! Graham it's back with you to begin. I think this is strikes right home at this particular moment, doesn't it. Someone's got down here learning to drive! Yes! Tell us something about learning to drive starting now.

GN: I'm so excited, because at the moment I am learning to drive! I love it! It is fantastic! I know so many new things now! For instance I can go to...


NP: Um Liza challenged.

LT: You know I'm being I'm evil now! You've said I quite a lot!

GN: Have I?

LT: Yes you have sir.

GN: I've supported you through thick and thin but no, you come back and bite me!

LT: I owe you my career!

NP: It was a tough challenge...

LT: It was because I wanted to know what he was going to say.

NP: I know, and we all did, and that's why someone thought of that subject for him, so we'd hear about it.

GN: You never will now!

NP: Well you might, you might get back in again. So Liza...

GN: No you've spoilt it for everybody!

NP: Liza, 49 seconds, learning to drive starting now.

LT: Learning to drive is a very tricky business. Personally I took myself off to Richmond Park with my friend Imelda, who used to be very very...


NP: Paul challenged.

LT: Oh it's so easy! Was that you?

NP: Very very yes.

GN: No! I'm nice!

NP: You said very very on purpose hoping Graham would come in. How sporting you are!

LT: Yes I did! You're right!

NP: And Paul you got in first, 41 seconds, tell us something about learning to drive starting now.

PM: I learnt to drive at my very first attempt, and my second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth. I got addicted to the passing. It was a marvellous achievement when he looks you in the eye and says "well apart from the four people you've knocked over, the elephant that's been tranquillised sedation...." oh no!


NP: Clement?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Yes deviation right. And learning to drive Clement, 22 seconds with you starting now.

CF: Approaching a roundabout, it seems to be important now to switch on the car radio, put your telephone to your ear, smoke, and wave to all those who can see you before you grope the driving instructor. This is essential if you want him to pass... you so that you can get a...


NP: Graham Norton challenged.

GN: He is sort of hesitating isn't he...

NP: He wasn't sort of, he definitely was hesitating.

CF: I was speaking.

GN: Yes yes yes!

NP: And his pauses got slower and slower.

GN: Because you must make progress at all times! I know that now!

NP: Yes! Well you can make some progress on the information you've learnt from learning to drive. But you've only two seconds in which to do it and you start now.

GN: Seventy miles per hour is the speed limit...


NP: So Graham Norton was then speaking when the whistle went and gained that extra point. And he's moved into second place behind Clement Freud. Is there anything else you've learned particularly from your learning to drive lessons?

GN: Um don't learn to drive near schools! Er um that's about it really! No, I have a very nice instructor called Howell.

NP: Really?

NP: He's very nice. And I do know now you can, you can't go 70 miles an hour when you're towing a caravan, because it's against the law to go fast in a cardigan!


NP: You know, if you were knitting a cardigan, and the police stopped you, you'd just say "no, no, pullover, pullover"!

GN: Very good! Oh! They're all in a box under the desk!

NP: Right! And Liza your turn to begin, the subject is octopus. Tell us something about octopus in Just A Minute starting now.

LT: An octopus is an eight armed molesque commonly found...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: It's picky, I'd say legs! Just saying!

LT: Would you? Now that is opening up quite a debate!

GN: It is opening up quite a debate But I'm not afraid of it! I'm not afraid a bit! We, we go to our expert Nicholas Parsons who'll tell us whether it's arms or legs.

LT: Is it arms or legs?

NP: If you look it up in the dictionary, it does refer to them as legs.

PM: No, it's tentacles.

NP: Oh it's tentacles.

PM: They're not arms or legs, it's tentacles.

NP: They are tentacles.

LT: But if one was to hug you, would he be hugging you with his legs or his arms?

PM: In that kind of situation, I wouldn't care one way or the other! As long as he wasn't hugging me with tentacles, I'd be all right!

NP: As...

LT: Arms or legs, we need to decide...

GN: I think, look, for instance, I think to gauge it, if you put gloves on them they'd look silly, whereas little shoes would look all right!


NP: Give Graham Norton a bonus point for what he just said because he deserves it. And...

LT: There's a lot of truth in it Paul.

PM: No, no, no, no, not gloves, mittens surely!

NP: Well...

PM: There's no fingers!

NP: I'm not going to give you bonus points on mittens!

GN: There could be string all the way round. And then you could turn him upside down and there'd be a salad bowl!

PM: If you give mittens to an octopus, you don't want him to lose them.

NP: No that's right...

PM: The amount of time to put a mitten on an octopus, you might as well put a bit of string round.

NP: And then by the time you attack them, they've got all those strings and then they get so caught up they won't be able to strangle you.

PM: Well it wasn't my idea in the first place!

NP: But...

PM: I was trying to make the point...

NP: Graham...

GN: I would go with slip-ons, I wouldn't go with lace-ups! That would take forever, the school bus would be long gone!

NP: I do think the idea of an octopus on a school bus is a bit bizarre! But...

LT: Well it could have six legs and two arms, otherwise how is it going to have dinner?

NP: We have established with Paul's help that they are tentacles, but some refer to them as legs. You wanted arms. Graham's got a bonus point because of his remarks about the mittens and the shoes and so forth but you...

LT: I've got a gingham dress, let's have a show!

NP: And we have a whole routine going about octopus. But you keep the subject Liza and you have 55 seconds to continue, octopus starting now.

LT: They have a very well developed polypy eye which looks like Papa Doc's staring at you from a courtroom in somewhere hot. They feed on crabs and lobsters. I have no idea how they stamp the shells off the lobsters or the crabs which I have repeated on purpose...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Repetition of shellfish.

NP: Yeah crabs and things like that yes. So you have 38 seconds on octopus starting now.

GN: The octopuses or octopi when shopping for shoes never go for suede, because the salt water plays havoc. And you can never really get the finish back again, even if you use a wire brush, and God knows they can brush away at those little things...


GN: Oh no, brush.

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of brush.

NP: There was a brush.

GN: There was.

NP: Brush away yes. Paul do tell us something about octopus in 23 seconds starting now.

PM: Trying to make love to an octopus is one of the most dangerous things that any human being can attempt. I take your mind back now to the days of Jacques Cousteau, where in 1958 very hard it was for him to get across to the general public that you should never approach...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: Repetition of never.

NP: Yes you've mentioned never twice. Graham, three seconds on octopus starting now.

GN: Octopus never...


NP: And there we are Clement?

CF: Repetition of never.

NP: No, he never said never, it was he who said never.

CF: He said never when he said he said never!

NP: No, no, Graham has not used the word never yet, Paul used it twice.

GN: Good 'un! (laughs)

NP: Yes so another point to Graham and one second on octopus Graham starting now.

GN: Octopus do not...


NP: Right so let me give you the situation at the moment as we're moving into the final round. And it is that Paul Merton has just taken the lead, he's one ahead of Clement Freud. Graham Norton's leapt forward, he's only two points behind our leader. And Liza Tarbuck is in there with a fight for the last thing, she's only four points behind our leader. Graham, it's your turn to begin, this last round, on cloud nine. Would you talk on the subject starting now.

GN: I feel at a slight loss when discussing on cloud nine, because I don't quite understand it. I know it's got something to do with being happy. But what's wrong, I mean how about a one to eight? Why wouldn't you settle there? Cloud nine, is it that good. What's wrong with 10? It's some sort of neighbour ending...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of what's wrong with.

NP: What's wrong with.

GN: Yep.

NP: Yes.

GN: That's my question!

NP: And you repeated it.

GN: I'm glad you picked up on it!

NP: So you... well you're not really because you've lost the subject.

GN: Well yes.

NP: So Clement a correct challenge, you have 41 seconds on cloud nine starting now.

CF: Cloud nine is where successful octopus would end up!


NP: Paul Merton challenged.

CF: All I want to say.

NP: Clement paused and you got in first, hesitation, 36 seconds Paul on cloud nine starting now.

PM: It's a state of happiness, nirvana. You look up to your life and you think I've never been happier than I am now! Things are bursting full of joy right out of my ears! The endorphins, the chemicals in my brain are floating around my body, giving me a wonderful feeling when I look around at this marvellous...


NP: Ah Graham Norton challenged.

GN: Repetition of look.

NP: Yes! Graham you've got the subject back, you've got 16 seconds on cloud nine starting now.

GN: On cloud nine, they serve packs of party-sized cocktail sausage rolls! Oh they're lovely, up to 50 at a sitting! And it's soft pastry, mind, no cutting your gums! Cloud nine is...


NP: Well Graham Norton brought this show to a close, and that round to a close, gaining an extra point for doing so. And we have an interesting result because everybody has scored a great number of points. There are all very very close. Liza only just finished in fourth place...


NP: Only just! A great contribution but brought her in fourth. Because in second place equal were Graham Norton and Clement Freud, equal. But only one point ahead of them was Paul Merton, so we say Paul, by that small margin, you are the winner this week! So it only remains for me to say thank you to these four players of the game, Paul Merton and Graham Norton, Liza Tarbuck and Clement Freud. I also thank Claire Bartlett for helping me keep the score, and for blowing her whistle so elegantly every time the 60 seconds occurred. And also we thank our producer director, Claire Jones. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game that we all enjoy playing. And we are deeply indebted to our audience who have assembled here in the Radio Theatre to cheer us on our way. We do hope you've enjoyed the show, we've enjoyed it playing it to you. From our audience, from me Nicholas Parsons, and from the panel, good-bye until the next time we play Just A Minute!