JAM:PMerton,CFreud,LSmith,RNoble
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, LINDA SMITH and ROSS NOBLE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 6 January 2003)

NOTE: Lottie Barker's last appearance blowing the whistle.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only in this country but throughout the world. But also to welcome to the show this week four talented and experienced players of the game. We're delighted to welcome back that master of improvised comedy and repartee, Paul Merton. That mistress of humour and comedy, Linda Smith. And that wonderful stand-up ad hoc comedian, Ross Noble. And that literate and clever humorist Clement Freud. And would you please welcome all four of them! And as usual I am going to ask them to speak if they can on a subject That I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Beside me sits Lottie Barker who's going to help me keep the score, and blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Marlowe Theatre in that beautiful cathedral city of Canterbury. And we have in front of us a keen Kentish audience ready to cheer us on our way. As we start the show with Paul Merton. Paul, the subject I have in front of me is how to hand in your resignation. Please tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PAUL MERTON: Well you should do it with style, with Úlan, a sense of purpose. I remember when I was working in the civil service some 20 years ago, I had this dream of one day going into work dressed as a clown, walking into the manager's office and pulling a wheelbarrow full of burning documents and saying "oh, look what happened!" And see what his reaction would be. Because I think it's no good just sort of sending a letter, and saying "oh I've had enough!" You ought to be able to go in there and say "listen, I don't like the way you run this company..."

BUZZ

PM: Who's buzzed?

NP: Ross has challenged you.

ROSS NOBLE: Repetition of er go in.

NP: It was a repetition so Ross that's a correct challenge and you get a point for that of course. And you take over the subject of how to hand in your resignation and there are 37 seconds available starting now.

RN: One good way to do it is to write it on your buttocks and then back into the glass window of your boss's office. Another good way, I’ve repeated myself and nobody's buzzed me...

BUZZ

NP: Linda...

RN: Oh yeah, I forget, are you allowed to challenge yourself?

NP: Yes...

RN: Is that in the rules?

NP: Well we'll see what happens...

RN: I was just starting to think about buttocks and I kind of drifted off!

NP: But Linda managed to challenge first, yes?

LINDA SMITH: Well repetition.

NP: Yes but what of?

LS: Of, um, well...

RN: Is it, the thing is, I said it...

LS: .... some words that he's saying...

NP: Yes! That's right yes.

LS: That he really shouldn't have repeated within that one minute.

NP: No, I think to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute, I say Ross she didn't give me an accurate challenge. So you have an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, you have a point for that and you continue with 30 seconds available on how to hand in your resignation starting now.

RN: You could go to the garden outside of the office and you could plant some daffodils...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of you could.

NP: Yes, you could before.

CF: We've had three you coulds.

NP: Yes.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I don't know why you sort of have that reaction, it's a perfectly legitimate challenge, it's a correct one. And Clement you have a point for a correct challenge, you have the subject, 26 seconds available starting now.

CF: You hand in your resignation with fury, anger and preferably an oath. Damn you, you swine, dirty rotten...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Repetition of you!

SHOUTS OF "OOOOOOOHH" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I don't think that challenge has won you many friends in this audience Linda! But it is a correct challenge...

LS: Well I don't know! First of all I'm not being specific enough! Now I'm being too specific. I mean...

NP: It's a correct challenge Linda.

LS: Okay.

NP: So no, no, no, you have a point, your keenness, it's what we encourage and you have 16 seconds and you have er um, how to handle, hand in your resignation starting now.

LS: I have very little experience of how to hand in your resignation, because in my very brief sojourn into the working world, my pioneering...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of my.

NP: Hoisted on your own petard! But...

LS: Well Canterbury, we're in for a long evening!

NP: Yes we'll try and not er be too keen on those small words. But Clement you got back at her quite correctly, you have a point for that and you have the subject back, you have eight seconds starting now.

CF: I think you do it graciously...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: Repetition of I.

LAUGHTER FROM RN AND THE AUDIENCE

PM: He did, he did go...

NP: Right, I'll allow it in this round only. But from now on let's resist that temptation, but he did say I before. And so Ross you've got a correct challenge, you've got a point, you've got six seconds, how to hand in your resignation starting now.

RN: Shave it into the side of a dog, and then throw some Chum at your boss and then...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of boss.

NP: Yes.

RN: It was, yeah, yeah.

NP: Oh yes, right, well listened Paul, three seconds for you on the subject starting now.

PM: A man once wrote to the Sunday Times, I've just got rid of an employee by the most remarkable way. What I...

WHISTLE

NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was er Paul Merton, he's got one point. So has Linda Smith, Clement's got two and Ross Noble's got three. In fact there's a lot of points scored in the first round which is unusual. But we continue and Linda would you take the next round and the subject is fillings. Tell us something about fillings in this game starting now.

LS: Fillings, well all sorts of things in this world have fillings. Biscuits for example, jammy dodgers have a filling which seems to be some kind of sticky red conserve. I can only...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: It's jam!

NP: Jam can also be called a conserve.

LS: I was...

PM: She wasn't sure what it was.

LS: I was conserving the word jam for a later moment.

PM: Ah!

NP: I, I don't think it was, I mean...

PM: No, I thought Linda was confused as to what it was.

NP: No, no, no, no, no, I think...

LS: No that's Nicholas, he's confused as to where we are!

NP: Yes! I don't think so! The ah Paul, a keen challenge but it was incorrect, so Linda, another point to you, you keep the subject, 51 seconds still available on fillings starting now.

LS: I think it must be some kind of sports jam, because it seems to be about 30 percent lighter...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: No, it's just jam. Just jam.

LS: Well I beg to differ, I think it's much stretchier than your normal jam.

PM: No, no, no...

LS: I don't think a normal jam has the give of jammy dodger jam.

PM: I think you'll find it's jam that's just been sitting on the shelf for a long time.

NP: Yes.

PM: The stretchability that you see is attributed to longevity of the jam.

LS: I think Paul, you have a lot to learn about jam technology.

NP: I know!

PM: Do you know that jam is also an acronym for Just A Minute?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: Thank you!

BUZZ

LS: Deviation from the subject of jam!

NP: Devi, listen, you're not even talking in the, on the subject! You've been having a cooking talk and so forth! Paul the audience enjoyed your interruption but it wasn't a correct challenge. We give you a bonus point because of the response you received. Linda you still have the subject, you've got a point because you were interrupted. Forty-seven seconds available for fillings starting now.

LS: Teeth sometimes have fillings, amalgam usually. I think that’s probably the most practical thing to have in your teeth, rather than...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two teeth.

NP: Yes you did repeat teeth.

LS: Well some of us, some of us have got our own!

NP: Oooooohhh! Clement you have the subject of fillings, there are 41 seconds available starting now.

CF: When they give you a questionnaire which has lots of boxes along the sides of the pages, you say "what are these for?" and they answer "fillings". Um...


BUZZ

CF: That's all I had to say!

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: A conclusive end! Hesitation.

NP: And erm which we call hesitation so Paul you have the subject now, fillings, which you wanted anyway and there are 29 seconds starting now.

PM: There are 17 different types of jam. Let me take you through them. First of all we have the ordinary household jam with a...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of jam.

NP: Jam's not the subject.

PM: Jam's not the subject?

NP: No, it's fillings. There was such a subject about jam, you thought it had taken over from fillings.

PM: Nobody's mentioned fillings, all I've heard is jam!

NP: Jam was the filling.

PM: Now you tell me!

NP: I told you when you started Paul, but Clement, correct challenge, 21 seconds still available for fillings starting now.

CF: Stuffings are the most common fillings for chicken, duck, goose and pork as well, lamb, veal. You get eggs and bread crumbs...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: He's run out of meat, hasn't he?

CF: I was going on to the fillings!

PM: Hesitation.

NP: So he hesitated yes, Paul a correct hesitation there. Twelve seconds, tell us something about fillings Paul, fillings starting now.

PM: My favourite filling without a doubt, and I think you know what it is just by looking at me. I've mentioned it already several times but this... I will not mention by name...

BUZZ

PM: Oh!

NP: Oh it's a rough tough game isn't it. Yes Clement?

CF: Repetition of mention.

NP: And four seconds for you Clement on fillings starting now.

CF: Thyme, coriander, rosemary, parsley, chive...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Paul challenged.

PM: Well those aren't fillings, they're herbs.

NP: They are herbs but you can use them as fillings.

CF: You use them as fillings.

NP: You can use them as fillings.

PM: Even parsley?

CF: Yes!

NP: Yes.

PM: Really?

NP: Yeah!

PM: Not in my neck of the woods!

CF: With jam!

NP: Well maybe your life is not...

PM: We used to use jam where we live! Don't bother with parsley, get the jam in!

NP: What, you stuff your chicken with jam, do you?

PM: Yeah absolutely!

NP: Absolutely? (laughs)

PM: Chicken and jam, you never had it? It tastes horrible!

NP: Right so Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, no he wasn't, he was challenged wasn't he.

PM: Yeah.

NP: And it was an incorrect challenge...

PM: He did, he didn't mention jam.

NP: No he was talking about fillings and you challenged him on the fact that these herbs were not fillings and they can be used as fillings. And Clement you were challenged with only half a second to go, you've got a point for an incorrect challenge, you've got half a second to go, fillings starting now.

CF: Jam!

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. And with other points in that round he's taken a good lead ahead of Paul Merton, followed in equal third place by Linda Smith and Ross Noble. Paul it's your turn to begin, and the subject now which is very apt. Strangely enough in all the 35 years we've done this show, we've never thought of this subject, it's one minute. Because you have to talk for one minute. But can you now talk for Just A Minute on one minute starting now.

PM: One minute can be fast, slow, medium paced...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: No, it's a minute!

PM: Um, I'm talking about the world of perception.

NP: I know...

PM: If you're drowning under water, a minute's quite a long time!

NP: That's what you were leading to say, I'm sure.

PM: Yes.

NP: But what you actually said was one minute can be slow or fast. It can't, one minute, Ross is right, it's deviation. One minute is 60 seconds is counted down per second, according to the er the whatever...

PM: Were you confused by what I said?

NP: No! I understood exactly where you were going. You were going into one of your surreal areas but you didn't preface that. You just said one minute...

PM: Should I make a special noise?

NP: It's...

PM: I'm going in to a surreal area, I'll bear the hooter! Beep beep!

NP: I think...

RN: Is this you just covering up the fact you've got access to time travel?

PM: Well....

SHOUTS OF "OOOOOHH" FROM THE AUDIENCE

LAUGHTER FROM PM AND RN

PM: There's quite a few people out there who think "oh he might, yeah..."

RN: Yeah, Merton's cracked it! Do you think he'd be here tonight?

NP: I think Ross, you got in very rapidly, I think it would be very unfair not to give it to you for deviation. So you have 57 seconds on one minute starting...

PM: I deviated? Three seconds I was talking for?

BUZZ

RN: I challenge because he...

NP: Your, your opening remark was utterly devious! So Ross was entitled to challenge!

SHOUTS OF "OOOOOHH" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Listen this is Just A Minute, these are the rules, who's running it, you or me?

LS: They might be...

NP: It's very difficult sometimes to interpret but I try to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute. And if I think I've been a little generous to one, I always rebalance it out by um redressing the situation a little later on. And don't confuse me audience, please! Ross, 57 seconds on one minute please, (laughs) no, One Minute Please, that's what the show used to be called. On one minute starting now.

RN: I recently bought an album called The Best Of Westlife, which was exactly one minute long. It must have taken them quite a lot of time to actually find that particular piece of music that was...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well I think if it's that long, it's not really an album, it's more of a single.

LS: Well actually it's not really a single, it's a sample.

PM: Yes but it's definitely not an album.

NP: I think I will show you how fair I am. I try to have the wisdom of Solomon which is very difficult er in here. I was generous to you on that other challenge, I will now be generous to Paul and say yes, that was a good challenge Paul, and you have the subject back of one minute, 46 seconds starting now.

PM: In the future, some 400 years...

BUZZ

RN: I knew it!

NP: Ross...

RN: Time traveller!

NP: Well interjected Ross! We give you a bonus point because we loved what you said and the audience did as well. So he gets a bonus for that. But Paul was interrupted so he gets a point and he keeps the subject, 43 seconds, one minute starting now.

PM: One minutes will be much longer than they are...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: We've already established, it's one minute!

PM: In 400 years time!

LS: Yes but how do you know that?

PM: Because I'm a time traveller! Oh!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

LS: Yes well Ross, I knew we'd get it out of him eventually!

NP: I don't know how, I, I adjudicate on this one.

PM: Nicholas...

NP: Yes?

PM: Am I a time traveller or not? It's as simple as that.

NP: No you're not a time traveller so Ross has it.

PM: Yeah!

NP: So ah 41 seconds, the subject is one minute starting now.

RN: Packet noodles take exactly one minute to cook. If you really want them to be nice, you can add oregano, basil. You can also add some cheese, you can add some meat. Why not get some dog food and mix that in, possibly get some more.... little...

BUZZ

NP: Linda you challenged.

LS: Ah very slight hesitation.

NP: Yes there was, you start listing and you soon trip yourself up, don't you.

RN: I don't know enough foods!

NP: Right!

RN: I only know noodles! That's all I eat!

NP: You're a noodle king, are you?

RN: Very much! For sure!

NP: Right! Right, 25 seconds Linda, you have the correct challenge of course and the point for that and the subject is one minute starting now.

LS: One minute, salesmen often say "may I have one minute of your time?" when what they really mean is "may I have all your money for some poxy timeshare which of course..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: May I and time...

LS: That's true.

NP: Clement you have the subject, 16 seconds for you to talk on one minute starting now.

CF: I think it's now been established that one minute cannot be slow or fast but is medium-paced 60 seconds. This game used to be called One Minute Please before it became Just A Minute. And I am old enough to remember the very beginning when Ian Messiter...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point. He's now one ahead of Ross Noble, he's three behind Paul Merton, and he's a few ahead of Linda Smith. I only give it in that order so as not to confuse you but I probably have! Linda it's your turn to begin and the subject here is osteopathy. Do you know much about it? If not, whether you do or not, you still have to try and talk on the subject, and 60 seconds are available starting now.

LS: Osteopathy is practised by osteopaths who are very clever people who can tell where you've hurt yourself just by when you scream. "Oh blimey, that really hurts, stop doing that! I'll give you 50 quid, I won't even stay an hour!' It's quite amazing how it works! Some people might think that the word osteopathy means some mad person who hates osthouses which would make...

BUZZ

NP: Ross challenged.

RN: There's a repetition of person.

NP: Yes. That's right.

RN: Yeah.

LS: Yeah he is right.

NP: Thirty-nine seconds, osteopathy with you Ross starting now.

RN: Osteopathy is the word used to describe general ambivalence towards ostriches. Honestly, Bernie Clifton used to suffer from this on a regular basis. He would be riding around on that particular beast and he would have to bring in special people that could do the job that was needed to be done. And I haven't paused, don't go thinking I paused there because I didn't pause, don't even...

BUZZ

RN: I did repeat!

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Ah repetition of pause.

NP: Yes don't think I paused there, I paused there.

RN: Awwww!

NP: So Linda you've got in first and you've got osteopathy back, you've got 17 seconds and you start now.

LS: Osteopathy back? Well that's quite funny in itself isn't it! If you had an osteopathy and it was to do with...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Did we have repetition of back?

NP: No, she never mentioned the back before.

PM: Oh really?

NP: She mentioned the muscles and the things that you see, ow, and...

PM: Osteopathy back and then did we... did we not?

NP: No, I said back.

PM: Did you?

NP: I said osteopathy back and then she...

LS: You know what? You travelled forward in time!

PM: Oh!

LS: And I was about to do that!

NP: So sorry but...

PM: It's all right.

NP: Well well well I love the keenness Paul, don't be inhibited. Ah not that you ever could be, someone of your nature! Eleven seconds Linda, you have an incorrect challenge, a point, and osteopathy starting now.

LS: Osteopathy...

BUZZ

NP: And who challenged? Clement?

CF: Me.

NP: What...

CF: I wanted you to love the keenness!

NP: We know you're keen Clement, you wouldn't be coming back so regularly after 35 seconds if you weren't.

CF: You said back before!

PM: Also we established earlier that all minutes are the same. This is a pretty long minute, can I just say that?

NP: Clement were you looking for a bonus point then?

CF: Yes.

NP: Right you've got one! Because they enjoyed the interruption. Linda you get a point for being interrupted and you have 11 seconds on osteopathy starting now.

LS: Osteopathy could mean somebody who couldn't be bothered to go to Austria in which case I'd suggest they chose another...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PM: Well it doesn't mean that! What do you mean it could mean that? You could say this table could be a horse! If it is the glass'll fall off! But it's not!

LS: You could say it!

NP: You could say that and...

PM: But how do you, how do you define deviation then if you say it could be that.

NP: She said it could mean that in some people's minds. So I think she stated her case very adequately.

PM: Oh okay.

NP: Right.

PM: Sounds like a new rule to me!

NP: No, no it's an interpretation of the, the rules that exist as far as I can see. It's just a.... they do give me a tough time, don't they?

PM: They won't like this in the year two thousand and 68, I'll tell ya!

NP: Osteopathy with you er Linda, having got another point, five seconds available starting now.

LS: Osteopathy can be found if you look in the...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of can be.

NP: Yes.

LS: But I was saying Canby Island!

CF: Could be! She did say could be before.

NP: She did say...

LS: Oh Clement, thank God someone's listening!

NP: So have another point, you have three seconds, osteopathy starting now.

LS: Osteopathy has come in for a lot of misinformation this afternoon and I think it's a really poor...

WHISTLE

NP: So Linda Smith to the joy and pleasure of our audience here started with the subject, and in spite of interruptions finished with it. And she not only got a point for speaking when the whistle went but she gained a number of points in the round and she really has leapt forward. She's only one point behind our joint second place Ross Noble and Clement Freud. And they're only a couple of points behind our leader Paul Merton. It's anybody's contest but you're not interested in that are you? You love the fun and the banter! Oh my God, I'm dreadful! Ross it's your turn to begin, oh what a lovely subject for this lovely part of the world in Kent, hops. Ross tell us something about hops in Just A Minute starting now.

RN: Hops could be the name of a little rabbit, that a tiny child has found in a nearby field, all on its own. And she's gone over and picked it up and put it in a special case and taken it back to her home where she will care for that said beast. It's not really strictly speaking an angry creature, and I used the word that I used before...

BUZZ

NP: Oh! Clement?

CF: Repetition of used.

NP: Ah yes, I used the word...

RN: Fair dos!

NP: Right, fair dos, right, 42 seconds Clement, a correct challenge, hops starting now.

CF: Christopher Robin went hoppity, repeat four times, hop. When I asked him to stop, he said "I couldn't possibly". Hops also grow in Kent and are an integral part of beer. You get the hops and you warm them until they are brown and lovely and smell toasty...

BUZZ

NP: Oh that audience were actually willing you forward Ross, er Clement, there, but you slipped up. Ross you were the first to challenge.

RN: Yes.

NP: Yes.

RN: Yes.

NP: Well you have to say...

RN: Hesitation.

NP: Yeah that's right, hesitation.

RN: Yes.

NP: Correct...

RN: Yes sorry, he'd actually hypnotised me!

NP: I know! He had the audience actually...

RN: I was away like that!

NP: And the audience were much the same, mesmerised actually. Twenty-two seconds, hops with you Ross starting now.

RN: Hops were the type of dances that teenagers in America used to go to, and enjoy fantastic rhythm and blues and possibly rock and roll. The Fonz was often seen at these particular events. Hops could be a type of car released by the Ford Motor Company. The new hops, they would be seen leaping over fences and trees instead of going on a road...

WHISTLE

NP: So Ross Noble kept going till the whistle went, gained that extra point and a wonderful round of applause. Clement it's your turn to begin, the subject is how to do first aid. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CF: It is a close-run thing between giving mouth-to-gob resuscitation, and shouting "is there a doctor in the house?" And I'm never quite sure which comes first. First aid, I suppose, means having a black bag full of stethoscopes and a sticking plaster. Also ointments and unctions which you put on the affected parts of the body when someone...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Paul challenged.

PM: Well um it's deviation really.

NP: Why?

PM: Well you said a bag full of stethoscopes, and I think you'd only have one stethoscope, wouldn't you?

NP: (laughs) Yes!

PM: You wouldn't really want other stethoscopes for people to join in.

NP: Well...

PM: Oh Clement, Clement says you would have more than one! What, in case you had a stethoscope failure?

CF: Yeah!

NP: But ah, but, listen, it's difficult to judge because there could be an individual who has two stethoscopes.

PM: Yes of course.

NP: He might have a...

PM: A back-up system!

NP: Yes he might have one of these...

PM: If a stethoscope suddenly caught fire...

NP: Yes...

PM: A spare stethoscope is here.

NP: That's right!

PM: I can't hear anything, the stethoscope's blocked with some sort of animal!

NP: Yes! Yes! That's right!

PM: I've got a spare for first aid contingents!

NP: Why...


PM: Always pack a spare stethoscope!

NP: So why did you challenge Paul?

PM: Because he said stethoscopes, that's deviation!

NP: No, no, listen, I'll tell you what we'll do. We give you a bonus point...

CF: I'd like him to have it.

NP: ... we loved the way you tried to cover...

CF: I'd like him to have the subject.

PM: Well I don't want it! I'm not interested in the subject! I just want people at home to realise that if they're in an accident don't expect somebody with two stethoscopes! It won't happen!

NP: Right! But Clement you were interrupted so you get a point for that and you do keep the subject, how to do er first aid starting now.

CF: I don't really know myself how to do first...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well that's blindingly obvious!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Maybe the audience...

PM: Can we buzz for honesty? And candour?

NP: You can but it's not one of the rules of Just A Minute. And after all...

PM: Sorry this two stethoscope thing's just, just annoyed me!

NP: Right! No you can't have him for that as much as you'd like to. Um the thing is that in Just A Minute you have to keep talking on the subject even if you don't like it or don't know anything about it. And Clement's endeavouring to do that very successfully at the moment. And he has 33 seconds on how to do first aid starting now.

CF: There's a man who lives in my village, near the church, down a lane, behind the lake, who actually knows exactly how to do first aid. Ask him what should I give...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Linda challenged.

LS: Is that repetition of know?

NP: Knows yes, a man down a lane who knows, and he knows something else. And you have 20 seconds on how to do first aid starting now.

LS: I don't know how to do first aid. I wonder if...

BUZZ

NP: Um Ross challenged.

RN: Deviation then, isn't it. That's the subject.

NP: Well that's exactly what Paul tried to get Clement on, and I didn't give it to him.

RN: Oh! Well it's worth a try a second time!

NP: Linda an incorrect challenge, so you keep the subject, how to do first aid, 18 seconds available starting now.

LS: I know how to do first aid...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Ross challenged.

RN: A minute ago she didn't know how to do it!

NP: Right...

LS: Isn't education a fantastic thing!

NP: So benefit of the doubt...

LS: I just took a course!

NP: .... on this occasion to you Ross and 16 seconds available, how to do first aid starting now.

RN: You could join St John's Ambulance, he was of course the patron saint of people with little bags that sit around looking bored at village fetes. And...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of saint.

RN: It was yes!

NP: It was indeed, I'm afraid yes. So Clement you got in with seven seconds on how to do first aid starting now.

CF: A tourniquet is particularly important for doing first aid. You can use a belt or a tie...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Ross challenged.

RN: Not if you've just got a graze!

NP: Yes he didn't establish in what kind of er um injury there was.

RN: You've poked yourself in the eye and somebody's trying to get your leg off!

NP: I think to be generous in this situation I'm going to give it to you Ross. Two seconds on how to do first aid starting now.

RN: It's best to do it on a sick person because otherwise they get very angry and they start...

WHISTLE

NP: So Ross Noble was then speaking as the whistle went. They all gave such good value, I don't like to say that one was ahead of the other. In fact there wasn't much aheadness in this at all. Because Linda Smith and Paul Merton were equal in second place. And they were only two points behind Ross Noble and Clement Freud who were equal in first place. So we say Ross and Clement you're the winners this week! A round of applause for all four! So it only remains for me to say thank you to our four exciting and delightful players of this game, Paul Merton, Ross Noble, Linda Smith and Clement Freud. I also thank Lottie Barker for the way she kept the score for me and er blew her whistle so elegantly. And we also thank our producer, Claire Jones who tries to keep us in order. And we are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And we are also indebted to this lovely audience here at the Marlowe Theatre in Canterbury who have cheered us on our way with such joy. From them, from me Nicholas Parsons, from the panel, good-bye till we play again!

THEME MUSIC