JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMarks
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ALFRED MARKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 14 October 1975)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Alfred Marks in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you heard we are delighted to welcome back as our guest in the fourth chair, Alfred Marks, to join our three regular and keen competitors of the game. Kenneth you're going to start but before you do, I'll just remind them that they have to try and speak if they can for 60 seconds on some subject I will give them without hesitation, repetition or without deviating from the subject. The opening subject is a commanding lead. And as nobody's scored any points yet, would you talk on that subject, Kenneth, for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well a commanding lead is the sort of position which I should always take on this panel, if talent and erudition is anything to do with the marks...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Ah, are anything to do with winning marks.

NP: So deviation of grammar?

CF: Of grammar, yes.

NP: So it's proof that there's not much erudition, but on the other hand um I think it was a pretty tough challenge quite so soon, and one has to keep going, and occasionally has to be very colloquial in doing so. So I won't allow it, I'll say Kenneth has a point for a wrong challenge and 50 seconds for a commanding lead starting now.

KW: This was undoubtedly taken by that valiant commander of the Eighth Army in his campaign against General Romnel. And he put it succinctly...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Alfred Marks has challenged.

ALFRED MARKS: He just demoted him, I think it was Field Marshal Romnel.

NP: He wasn't Field Marshal at the time...

KW: (laughs) That's caught you! (laughs) Yes, that caught him, didn't it! Yes you've been hoisted on your own petard, mate!

AM: Pardon me!

KW: Every time you open your mouth, you put your foot in it! You want to watch it! I'm a regular on this game, you've only just come here! I'll get you outside!

AM: I can't live on promises!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, NP, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

AM: I really... is there anything about etiquette?

NP: No I don't think there is in this game...

AM: Because that is no way to treat a guest, it really isn't. Anyway...

NP: No, no way to treat a guest...

AM: Romnel was a Field Marshal when I knew him!

NP: I didn't know you were fighting...

KW: Oh look at him, name dropping!

NP: Were you, were you on their side during the war then, Alfie?

AM: I was in the Air Force which meant I was on the German side, yes.

NP: Kenneth is now going to continue with a commanding lead, he has 42 seconds left and he starts now.

KW: The same could be said of...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo's now challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Can I just say hello everybody and I'm on the programme as well!

NP: Well as you interrupted Kenneth in saying hello, he must get a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 40 seconds for a commanding lead Kenneth starting now.

KW: It was what Aneurin Bevan once described as "controlling the commanding heights of the national economy". And in one of his most brilliant perorations at St Pancreas Town Hall, alas a building which is no longer titled by that appellation, he moved the audience to extremes of jubilation and glee. We cried out as one man "more power to your elbow". As we all felt this great surge of oratory, the rhetoric, the like of which has alas and will never...

WHISTLE

NP: And we now move on to Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject is the family album. Would you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: One of those lovely snapshots of Auntie Flo and cousin Muriel on the beach at Frinton with a donkey. And then Bridget, we all knew her by another name which is Gladys. And we have a snapshot of her which was rather putrid coloured...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of snapshot.

NP: Yes, there are 20 seconds left for the family album, Clement with you starting now.

CF: My family album has the usual array of relations from grandfather, mothers, uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews, children, babies, boys, girls, horses, animals, cats, dogs, all other people who work...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I didn't know he was related to a horse!

LAUGHTER FROM CF, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh very clever! That's very good! It is good! It is good!

NP: What is your challenge then?

DN: Deviation.

AM: I think that anyone who has relationships with a horse must be a deviationist!

NP: That wasn't the challenge though Alfie!

AM: No, I'm just adding that as a bit of, otherwise I'm sitting here like an idiot, you see.

NP: We could never say that of you.

AM: Thank you very much.

NP: Clement I disagree with the challenge, and you keep the subject, you have 13 seconds, the family album starting now.

CF: When my son Matthew was first given a camera in order to contribute to the family album, he asked me to stand very still, and took my picture, and missed! I sent the resulting photograph...

WHISTLE

NP: The subject is them, would you talk about them or on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

CF: When I joined the Boy Scouts and became a Peewit, the master said to me "would you like to be one of them?" And I said "no, I would prefer to be a Curlew". Because the patrol had a yellow and green flash, and I would like to tell you that that word means cloth hanging from the elbow, and not remotely what anybody might have thought!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Well they didn't hang from the elbow, they hang just on the shoulder. Deviation.

NP: Yes I don't think they hung from the elbow.

DN: He's thinking of morris dancers!

AM: They do on scouts with very short arms!

NP: Derek a good challenge, there are 34 seconds left, and the subject them, you start now.

DN: I've never really liked them very much. I don't know why. I think it's because there are 43 of them and two of them have blonde hair. Maybe that is the reason, I've never really quite been able to analyse it. But sometimes on the pier at Brighton, I've seen them all gathered together in this great whaling craft, and I've thought how unattractive they look. Why do we have to put up with them, I've written a letter to say for a moment. I want to...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: I haven't the foggiest idea who he's talking about!

NP: He's talking about them, the subject on the card.

AM: I see! I thought he was talking about Curlews with little yellow ribbons hanging from their shoulders.

NP: No they're the ones that have it from the elbow.

AM: Oh well everyone to their own kick, you know.

NP: So what is your challenge?

AM: The fact that I'm ignorant, that's what!

NP: Well if you interrupt and it's not a correct challenge, the person speaking gets a point. There are 11 seconds Derek on them starting now.

DN: When they finally decided by, to go by Thai Airlines to Yugoslavia, I thought they really behaved in a most...

BUZZ

NP: Um Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: I don't think Thai Airlines fly to Yugoslavia.

NP: I don't think so either.

DN: My dear, I said they were behaving in an eccentric way.

AM: Yes.

NP: Your diction was so bloomin' awful, I couldn't hear!

DN: You're over there...

KW: I see, you make a crack about his diction. He's one of the finest dictions in the world. You couldn't get a better diction than he is.

NP: I wish he'd demonstrate it occasionally! As I didn't actually hear Derek said, I think I'll put it to the superior judgement of the audience...

KW: Superior judgement? Just look at that lot! Superior?

NP: If you agree with Alfred's challenge, you cheer for him. And if you disagree, you're for Derek Nimmo, will you boo for Derek. And you all do it together now! Nothing?

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Hooray!

KW: I told you they'd dropped off! It's no good asking them anything! You've got to be a chairman, you rely on your own powers!

NP: I heard a belated boo Derek, so you keep the subject, you have five seconds on them starting now.

DN: They all wear very long sporrans and inside them...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth has challenged.

KW: I'm afraid you have made a terrible mistake. You told us they gathered on the pier at Brighton, you told us there were 43 of them, and now you've told us they're wearing sporrans! Now that's really setting peculiar, isn't it. I think there you have to be accused of deviation. I'm very sorry, my darling...

AM: No, I quite concur...

NP: His particular them is obviously pure fantasy. And if they're going on a Thai Airline to Yugoslavia and they're on the beach at Brighton, I mean they could wear sporrans which is down to their ankles if they want to. He's not really deviating from them, so you keep the subject for another three seconds starting now.

AM: I quite agree with that!

DN: "Whatho old fruit", they all shout, "I'm delighted to see you, my goodness..."

WHISTLE

NP: Alfred Marks for you to start and the subject following them is us. Can you, it's a tough one to come back as a guest after a long break. But would you try talking about us for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Us has many connotations, one being me, the new boy on the panel. And the others being the others. Oh that isn't a good start, is it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

AM: I've been away too long! Can we start again?

NP: Yes all right...

AM: No, no, that wouldn't be fair. That wouldn't be fair, No, whoever wants it can have it, I'm going to sleep!

NP: I think Alfred, we will allow you a chance to start again because you have been away for so long.

AM: Thank you very much.

NP: The subject is us, you have 60 seconds and you start now.

AM: Yes, the most normal one that one is confronted with...

BUZZ

AM: (laughs) Oh dear!

NP: Derek has challenged.

DN: He's packed up again, hasn't he! He's been away far too long!

NP: Derek's got in, he's got 44 seconds on us starting, sorry 55 seconds on us starting now.

DN: There aren't many of us left I suppose really. But it was on the beach at Brighton when I saw 47 sporrans coming towards me and I decided I must make a stand against them...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth.

KW: Oh this is just now blatant repetition, it's all been...

NP: You mean them, them can't be us!

KW: Precisely!

NP: Right Kenneth you have...

DN: If you'd listened to what I said, you'd have found that what I said was totally logical! It's just that you're very deaf, rather stupid, and rather elderly, and ought to be replaced!

NP: You're rather rude as well!

DN: Quite right!

NP: And also you justify your, your speech only after you've been challenged. I'm not going to allow it this time. You have 46 seconds on us starting now.

KW: Us of course is, as Alfred has rightly maintained, some...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred has challenged.

AM: Oh oh that's rubbish, I...

NP: You haven't maintained a thing, have you?

KW: On the contrary, he said it had many connotations.

NP: But he hasn't maintained anything, he's hardly opened his mouth.

AM: I've maintained nothing at all! You tell him, you tell him Nicholas, you tell him!

NP: There are 40 seconds on us, Alfred...

AM: He's too cocky by far, that one over there!

NP: Alfred you have 40 seconds on us starting now.

AM: Us are the working classes, the others are the bosses or the establishment. I pride myself on being one of the former. I was born and bred in poverty, I was so poor we were made in Japan! And if you start off in the gutters of the east End and you attain the stardom which I have, and the er, the love of people...

BUZZ

AM: ... and the hesitation that accompanies it.

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Out of the mouths of Marks and sucklings! Yes hesitation yes.

NP: There are 21 seconds for us with you now Derek starting now.

DN: Coming out of the gutters of Liverpool, we have walked towards the big city, looking for gold on the pavements. And what have we found...

BUZZ

AM: Sporrans!

NP: Alfred Marks has...

AM: I was waiting for the sporrans!

NP: Oh but you challenged before it came. So what's your challenge?

AM: Nothing at all, I just like pressing buttons, that's all.

NP: Well I must warn you that every time you press a buzzer and there’s an incorrect challenge, the person speaking gains a point. Ah there are nine seconds on us Derek starting now.

DN: There are four of us who take part in this game, week after seven days...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks.

AM: Deviation, three of us! I'm not even in it now! That was, that's a good, that's a good challenge!

NP: It's quite a good challenge, yes! Derek obviously, no Derek was probably thinking of the fact that there are four...

CF: Can I just say that I'm still here?

NP: There are five seconds Alfred on us starting now.

AM: Us are sitting here in this seat, thank you! We are so grateful you have at last given the opportunity to someone like myself...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth it's your turn to begin, and the subject, William Hogarth. Will you tell us something about him in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: There was a notable occasion when in drawing the fortifications of the fort known as Calais, he was arrested by French gendarmerie or police as we should term them, and named as a spy. And he had great difficulty in removing himself from those alien shores, to his native regions which was in this case not only Chissock but also included Bloomsbury. He was a fellow governor with Thomas Coram at the Foundling Hospital. And one of his most notable portraits ever done was of Coram himself...

BUZZ

KW: ... and I've repeated him!

NP: Clement...

KW: But it was worth establishing! That was the plan!

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two Cori!

NP: Yes, there were yes. Why did you have to put on such a miserable bloomin' voice?

KW: Because I think Hogarth was so dreary and rotten, he always makes me feel like that! I mean I know all those drawings had, of course, social significance, but they're all so awful! As opposed to the kind of art I find uplifting...

NP: Why did you spoke, why didn't you speak like that...

KW: I mean Carbegio or Michelangelo, this sort of work that elevates the human spirit...

NP: You haven't got the subject now!

KW: ... what Hogarth did is a drear, what is supposed to be a likeness...

NP: Kenneth!

KW: We don't want to see life! You can stand on any street corner and see life...

NP: Oy!

KW: What we have artists for is not that! We should have artists for a vision of life, don't we!

NP: Shut up! It's not with you!

KW: He's come all that way and he'll have to explain to the listeners, he's come all that way and the audience applauded me, not him! So you can shut your row!

NP: I just want to explain to the listeners...

KW: Yes! Lovely crowd!

NP: ... that on this occasion I had to leave my chair...

KW: Lovely audience!

NP: ... and cross the floor of this stage in order to shut Kenneth up!

KW: Yes! As Derek Nimmo rightly said, you're too old! You should get away! Get away!

NP: It's a pity you didn't say that about Hogarth before you went on for about five minutes! As it was it was rather dreary for 50 seconds and Clement Freud has the subject, there are 10 seconds left, William Hogarth starting now.

CF: Last year during National Semolina Week, I took my family to see...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred has challenged.

AM: Oh I think that's a very cunning, there is no such thing as National Semolina Week.

NP: I would agree with you Alfred, and Clement looks very pained, but I am still going to agree with you and say there are, he's got his semolina look on! There are six seconds on William Hogarth starting now.

AM: William Hogarth was not the only William Hogarth. I know a William Hogarth...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: What are you challenging on?

NP: Clement...

CF: I suppose it's on the card isn't it.

NP: William Hogarth's on the card, yes.

CF: Have another point!

AM: Thank you!

NP: He's got it!

AM: Yes!

CF: I meant another one!

NP: Three seconds left on William Hogarth starting now.

AM: He owned this shop off the Whitechapel Road, a most excellent...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek it's your turn to begin, the subject is bean feasts. Can you tell us something about those in 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I've always had a great sort of penchant for bean feasts. The derivation of the expression, of course, comes from the time that during earlier periods, employers at the end of the year of harvest or industry would provide a bean feast which would be given to the peasantry, to Alfred Marks, and other people standing around, for them to consume, and with great jubilation and joy. It was something that the whole community looked forward to, once every 12 months. Nowadays of course, it can mean something like a feast in the dorm. Or all your chums coming home for a lovely bean feast. You can have sasparella and ginger beer, stopford sandwiches, peanut butter, lovely radishes, green peas and not to be forgotten, beans! Because what would a bean feast be without them, I ask you! It would be ridiculous wouldn't it, to say "come home and I'll give you some lentils", because although they are, I suppose, in a kind of way a bean feast, they're not really like...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: There's a rule in this game which says you can only mention the title it's on three times.

NP: You got in very cleverly with only two and a half seconds to go Alfred, the subject bean feasts and you start now.

AM: I loathe beans of all the...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement it's your turn to begin, the subject is Pasteur and wine, which is a rather sort of complicated subject. But can you talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I don't think Pasteur whined any more than most Frenchmen of that era. He did discover that if you had bacillus on any sort of drink, and you raised it to a certain temperature, the gruel fungus would remove itself. And Paul Robeson you may remember wrote a very beautiful song called Green Pasteurs which I think meant...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Paul Robeson didn't write it.

NP: No he sang it, he didn't write it.

CF: Write what?

DN: Green Pastures.

NP: Green Pastures.

CF: I didn't say Green Pastures.

DN: You did!

CF: I said Green Pasteurs!

NP: He didn't write that either! There are 33 seconds Derek on Pasteur and wine starting now.

DN: Rigatoni, fettucini, lasagne are some of the pastas that I like to eat with my wine. I don't...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well it's permissible obviously to say the word if it does like what's on the card. In this case pasta does not sound like Pasteur.

NP: No I did say Pasteur as well, and I quite agree. So Kenneth you have a point for that and you have 27 seconds on Pasteur and wine starting now.

KW: He was most notable for making a wine from kumquats. They are a delicious fruit with a hard rind and taste roughly of lemon. On the other hand, if they're grown in (unintelligible) areas, they are the worst possible kind of nutrition for anyone to imbibe in the alimentary canal. Now William Harvey who wrote most eloquently on this subject was one of the people to whom Pasteur looked in his academic exercises...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth we're back to you to start, and the subject after all that is mental, my mental capacity.

OOOOOHS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: We've got a lot of female oooohs, your mental capacity does something to them! And so you have 60 seconds to demonstrate it or talk about it starting now.

KW: It's largely influenced by the ectimological character of the structure of the brain cells themselves. And the idea that the left-handed person which is an apt description of mine, has the right-handed side of the aforementioned apparatus more developed than the other is usually held to explain my particular flair. It always reflects itself most obviously in draughtsmanship, or calligraphy. A particular embellishment of mine is an enlarged serif. And I would go so far as to say that Gil Sans who was one of our most distinguished designers of fonts and indeed Italic type, did say that sans serif...

BUZZ

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what? Of what?

CF: Sans serif.

KW: Sans serif is hyphenated, you great nit! And I said serif before!

NP: No you did repeat sans, I'm very sorry Kenneth.

KW: I did not say sans.

CF: You did.

NP: Sans serif.

KW: I said serif before as a word, then sans serif which is hyphenated.

NP: No, no...

AM: You also said design twice if you want to...

KW: Well that's neither here nor there! He didn't pick it up! So shut your great row!

AM: You're talking...

KW: Comes here one week, and he throws his weight about like a man with no arms!

NP: He wondered how much longer your rubbish could go on!

KW: Rubbish, I was a lithographic draftsman before I became an actor! I've got indentured certificates to prove it!

NP: It's a pity you didn't stick to it! And Clement Freud has two and a half seconds...

KW: I really do feel that people like us come here and certainly we come here for a pittance, don't we, Derek?

DN: We do!

KW: I mean to come all this way, I have to walk...

NP: Will you please put your pittance away, and let Clement Freud for two and a half seconds talk on my mental capacity starting now.

CF: I once wrote a letter to a company called Mensa...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged just before.

DN: Well he's talking about letter writing and not about his mental capacity.

KW: Hear hear! Very good point!

DN: I once wrote a letter...

NP: Shut up Kenneth! It's a good point but you didn't give him much chance and after all...

DN: He only had two and a half seconds, it wasn't very long!

NP: And Mensa is after all to do with mental capacity. So I think he adequately made his point in that very brief sentence. So there's half a second left with you Clement on my mental capacity starting now.

CF: Mensa!

WHISTLE

NP: Well as I warned you we were approaching the end, we have now reached the end of this game and now I will give you the final score. And a very close and even contest it was and how, how apt and just that is. Clement Freud came in second place alongside Kenneth Williams. But together they were only one point behind our equal winners this week, Alfred Marks and Derek Nimmo! What could be more fair than that! They all contributed a great deal. We hope that you've enjoyed Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.