JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,JJunkin
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and JOHN JUNKIN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 26 February 1980)

NOTE: John Junkin's first appearance, David Hatch's 150th show as producer.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and John Junkin in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard, we welcome John Junkin as our guest, to play with our three regulars. So John who has excelled on so many shows on radio, is now going to pit his wits and his dexterity with words against our three regular exponents of this impossible game. And as usual they will all three try and talk for Just A Minute if they can on the subject I will give them, and try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we begin the show with Kenneth Williams and who better? And the subject is getting a a good start. So Kenneth, a good start, a good subject to start with, and a good start to the show. There are 60 seconds to go starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: What immediately springs to my mind is the training I underwent in the Army. And an assault course was presented to us. And believe me, we had to get a good start...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin has challenged.

JOHN JUNKIN: Hesitation I think.

NP: Oh no no no.

JJ: Believe me we...

KW: It's unbelievable! A guest! A guest! He's not even on the show regular! And he's accused me of hesitation! There was no hesitation there at all! None whatsoever! Not one suspicion was there!

JJ: I dozed off in the middle of one of the pauses!

KW: Listen, I'm going to take you outside, I'm not going to sit here...

NP: If we challenged for such small hesitations, I think we'd never get going at all John.

PETER JONES: I think John, you should make allowances for his curious delivery, and for his age!

JJ: Provided Nicholas, you remember that when it's my turn to speak, I shall...

NP: You do whatever you like John and I will try and judge, and I have impossible decisions most of the time...

KW: Yes you can do whatever you like! Preferably shut your mouth!

NP: And you'll get a lot of that, I'm afraid...

KW: Yes!

NP: You're sitting next to Kenneth Williams which you are doing...

KW: Yes!

NP: So Kenneth I disagree with the challenge and you have a point for that. And you're ready to go for 46 seconds on getting a good start starting now.

KW: I obtained this by persuading the Sergeant who cycled along watching the progress of each soldier to let me go on his crossbar. And I got a better start than anyone else, and came of course first, which is the proper position for a great luminary like myself! Someone who is above the herd, egregious is the word perhaps for those who need to get a good start...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of word.

NP: Yes yes yes indeed. And deviation, he's gone off the good start on to himself! Um 20 seconds are left for you Peter with a point for a correct challenge, to talk on the subject of getting a good start starting now.

PJ: When I think of some of the distinguished members of my profession...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin has challenged.

JJ: Deviation, hesitation, repetition, total arrogance, and I don't like his shirt!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: A very good try which the audience appreciated! Totally incorrect on every count!

PJ: Shirt doesn't count on the radio!

JJ: You'd only dare wear that shirt on radio!

NP: Well Peter Jones has got his radio shirt on, and he wasn't guilty of any of the things you accused him of. So alas he gets another point, but nice to hear from you John. Seventeen seconds, getting a good start Peter starting now.

PJ: And in all seriousness I can say that when I went to the Garrick Theatre, was it really two decades ago, and saw a show called Share My Lettuce, with a person I thought was perhaps one of the most remarkably gifted performers as...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones kept going until the whistle went which tells us that the 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking at that moment, do I need to remind you, gets an extra point...

PJ: I knew Kenneth wouldn't interrupt me!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: For those of you who live abroad particularly and don't know that Share My Lettuce was a show in the West End in which Kenneth starred, um, and I thought it was The Duke of Yorks as well so you were deviating quite a lot. Which one was it Kenneth?

KW: It started at the Lyric in Hammersmith, it went to the Comedy in Panten Street and then it went to the Garrick Theatre. But I don't want this programme to sound like an advertisement for myself!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No, that would be so unusual, wouldn't it! So let us get back to Just A Minute, Peter's in the lead, Kenneth's got a point, and Peter Jones it's your turn to begin. Would you talk on the subject of Joseph and Etian Montgolfier, starting now.

PJ: They must be those two Frenchmen who more or less invented ballooning with very nicely decorated spheres which were propelled by hot air. And without them I should think that the manufacturers of table mats would have been hard put to have stayed in business. Because they have decorated the surface of these...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of decorated.

NP: Yes you had decorated before Peter. Derek you now have the subject, you have 42 seconds on Joseph and Etian Montgolfier starting now.

DN: Luckily their father, I suppose one might say their pere, was in fact a manufacturer of paper. And so therefore they had a plentiful supply of the stuff to set fire to which would blaze up underneath the cradle, and up into the air went the balloon, and travelled for a distance of some six miles...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: It didn't blaze up under the cradle, otherwise they would have been burnt!

NP: Well challenged Peter! There are 24 seconds for you on the subject starting now.

PJ: They used to soar over the rooftops of Paris and were pictured by many of the famous artists of the day. Of course it was much too early for Sarah Bernhardt to take a trip with them, but she did later in another type of model at...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin has challenged.

JJ: Deviation, if she didn't go up with them, why, why is she entering into this discourse?

NP: I agree, good challenge, because she was on another type of model which wasn't the Montgolfier one. So John, you have at last a correct challenge.

JJ: Good Lord! I don't know what to do with it!

KW: I'll tell you what to do with it!

JJ: I'm sure you could, but not on radio!

NP: There are eight seconds for you to talk on Joseph and Etian Montgolfier starting now.

JJ: (pauses) Joseph...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes of course there was, but as he's a guest I'm not going to allow it. So he gets a point for that...

JJ: I didn't even hear what he said. What did you say?

NP: Hesitation.

JJ: Hesitation?

NP: Yes it was much longer than, than the one you challenged Kenneth for.

JJ: I've got this physical defect! I have to breathe in before I can breathe out!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So if you can keep going for seven seconds without doing that, um, you start now.

JJ: Joseph and Etian Montgolfier, the famous balloonists, are two people, regarding whom I have virtually no knowledge...

WHISTLE

NP: So John Junkin having at last got in on a subject kept going till the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so. And he's actually in second place at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, the subject bath. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: I received the most unusual invitation by the Bishop of Bath and Wells who asked me to go round his house in the moat in a boat with him, which I did. And it was quite the most lovely experience of my life! To be there with this good Bishop of Bath and I can't say the place...

BUZZ

NP: Peter has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of the Bishop of Bath.

NP: Yes, the Bishop of Bath can only come in once in a round of Just A Minute. So there are 42 seconds for you on the subject of Bath, Peter starting now.

PJ: Early in my career, I made an appearance at the Theatre Royal, Bath, one of the loveliest playhouses in all England. I can't quite understand why I've never been invited to make a return visit. But I can only suppose...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I can understand why!

LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Isn't it rude, isn't it!

NP: It all comes out in Just A Minute! Derek, as the audience appreciated your challenge, we'll give you a bonus point but leave the subject with Peter...

DN: Oh how lucky!

NP: ... and um he continues with 28 seconds on Bath starting now.

PJ: And to go into the well and get a glass of heath-giving water, and then later on in the evening frequent the Assembly Rooms where they sometimes have balls (starts to laugh)...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well baaaaaaaaalls. He thought he'd made an improper remark and he stopped. Hesitation.

NP: You're absolutely...

PJ: No I just thought that was what it was all a lot of!

NP: I think Derek was trying to convey that, he felt that your own remark, you felt was a comment on what you'd been saying.

PJ: Yes that's it!

NP: Derek got in first and there are 15 seconds for him to talk on Bath starting now.

DN: Beau Brummel and Nash were two of the great dandies who held court in Bath during the 18th century. And when one used to go along the road to that fair city in your coach and pair, maybe four even, then one would see in the distance...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo kept going till the whistle went, gained the extra point, he had a few in that round and he's moved forward. He's now in second place behind our leader Peter Jones. And John Junkin, your turn to begin, the subject, sago. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

JJ: Say go is what the starter of an athletic event, particularly track, says, having said "to your marks, get set". Or occasionally at a lower class meeting "ready, steady". Following this he does the aforementioned thing. Other people who do this are fathers irked at their daughters returning home and saying "I am expecting a child by the milkman" whereupon they will do this particular thing. Husbands who come home and discover their wives in flagrento delecti with the milkman will do likewise. Sago can also be spelt another way, which is S-A-G-O and as such can be compounded into the most repellent mixture which is served to unfortunate schoolchildren the length and breadth of this country as a sweet. It is not under any circumstances to be considered a pudding. It is more suitable for attaching wallpaper to the walls of your houses. And I can only...

WHISTLE

NP: Well John Junkin kept going magnificently for 60 seconds and with the help and generosity of his friends here, because for those who like to write letters, we do know he repeated milkman. But we thought it was so lovely that we let him go. Obviously it's a milkman who repeats himself and er. So John they enjoyed your dissertation on sago, I didn't understand a word of it actually...

JJ: Neither did I!

NP: No but you get one point for speaking when the whistle went and a bonus point for not being interrupted. So you're back in second place alongside Derek, behind Peter Jones and ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth your turn to begin, and the subject, Blasť Pascal. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Those wonderful lines, "the heart has it's reasons" which occurs in the Parseis is something which has haunted me for many years...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin.

JJ: He's got his hand over his mouth! I can't hear him!

NP: I know he has! I can't hear him either!

JJ: So he could be deviating or repeating ...

NP: He could be doing anything. Let's ask the audience. Could you hear him?

SHOUTS OF "YES" AND "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The audience can't hear him. Shall we ask the engineer if they can hear him at home? We can't hear the engineer so... I don't think he had gone far enough to be deviating. And so it's a subject we think he knows something about. So we give him a point for a wrong challenge and tell him he has 53 seconds on Blasť Pascal starting now.

KW: At the age of 11 he astonished D'Carte by actually mastering the 23 propositions of Euclid. The aforementioned philosopher was staggered by this and conveyed his astonishment to the boy's father. And later on this kind of mathematical...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin you've fallen off.

JJ: No, I'm sorry. I dozed off! I accidentally...

KW: Because you're an ignorant nit and know nothing about Pascal, you can shut up and let me tell them about him! You great fool! It's ridiculous that I should be subjected to this sort of thing! I'm a great luminary! I shouldn't be...

NP: You're talking a bit like one now. But before you were talking...


KW: I am a cult! People say "what a cult!"

NP: I know! It's very difficult to talk when you're in full swing! John what was your challenge?

JJ: Nothing, I really did doze off and my head struck the button quite inadvertently!

NP: All the audience had dozed off, but they hadn't got any buttons to strike, I'm afraid. Ah he wasn't actually deviating...

JJ: You can't challenge me for going to sleep during that! I mean you can't penalise...

NP: No you were challenging him actually!

JJ: No you can't penalise me for dozing off in that, can you!

NP: No...

KW: I can penalise you for anything, mate!

JJ: Your eyes were drooping yourself Nicholas!

NP: I'd gone completely.

JJ: Yes.

KW: You always have gone!

NP: Kenneth will you try and keep going with 26 seconds to go starting now.

KW: His rationally physilog...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Peter! Peter there are 22 seconds on Blasť Pascal with you starting now.

PJ: If any members of the audience are interested in hearing about Pascal, it seems hardly likely that they would come to Just A Minute to find out! I think that it's an appalling insult to them. They've come expecting a bit of entertainment...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of come.

NP: Yes that's right Derek. Seven seconds, Blasť Pascal starting now.

DN: In his 39 years he accomplished more perhaps than any man that's ever lived. And while he found that the true...

BUZZ

NP: And John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Repetition of he.

NP: Oh we don't bother with that John.

JJ: I do!

NP: Well if we challenged on ever he, I think that it would be very difficult to keep going. So no points charged, half a second to go with you Derek starting now.

DN: An extremely...

WHISTLE

NP: Yes! So Peter Jones is still in the lead, but Derek Nimmo's only one point behind now. Peter your turn to begin, the subject, pleasure from music. Will you tell us something on that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well it can best be enjoyed when there's no other sound audible. It's dreadful if you have somebody talking behind you, or even by your side. Even worse I suppose if you have someone buzzing...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin.

JJ: Repetition of even.

NP: That's right John. John there are 47 and a half seconds for you on the subject of pleasure from music starting now.

JJ: People derive pleasure from music in many different ways. There are those who can somehow derive some...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two derives.

NP: Two derives yes, I'm afraid. Forty seconds are left for Kenneth on pleasure from music starting now.

KW: (very slowly) The pleasure I get from music emanates mainly from Schumann whose centre has a curious stillness...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

NP: Not quite! Almost!

KW: Not almost! I said a curious stillness. What are you supposed to do? Elide, say curiousstillness?

NP: Well I don't know how, how slowly you can speak...

JJ: You do then speed it up yourself.

NP: ... without hesitating. And you do it which that was...

PJ: Well there was a hesitation really between each word! It was as though he was trying to decide whether to send a telegram!

NP: It was almost a hesitation.

PJ: Counting them all!

NP: There was a hesitation between each syllable on some occasions. But...

PJ: Yes! Quite!

NP: We let you have the benefit of the doubt Kenneth but don't go any slower. Thirty seconds are left...

KW: Your slipshod diction, amazing you've got anything to say about anybody else's!

NP: I was talking about hesitation, not diction.

KW: You shouldn't be talking about anything! I'm amazed you can talk at all with those dentures!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: What am I up to? What is it? How many....

NP: You are absolutely revolting!

KW: How many seconds have I got?

NP: You've got 30 seconds... oh what a charming subject after what we've been talking about. Pleasure from music starting now.

KW: Beauty...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes that was hesitation. There are 28 and a half seconds, pleasure from music Derek, starting now.

DN: One of the most pleasurable ways to listen to music, I think, is to go and sit in the park, perhaps Hyde, or even Kensington gardens and sit there and listen to a brass band playing...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two listens.

NP: That's right Kenneth, there are 20 seconds, pleasure from music starting now.

KW: One thinks of the clarinet quintet by Mozart. What a beautiful...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: I have never thought about the Clarinet quintet by Mozart!

PJ: Well he said one thinks about it! He didn't say two thinks about it!

JJ: Well I'm one! I'm not jealous!

NP: John nice to hear from you but he actually wasn't deviating...

KW: It's not nice to hear from him! I wish he'd lay down...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: ... lay down in the middle of the M1! I get lumbered with 'em every time!

NP: It's very safe in the middle of the M1!

KW: How many seconds have I got?

NP: Kenneth, you keep the subject, you get a point for a wrong challenge. I wouldn't complain too much, you're moving ahead, you're now equal in the lead with Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo. And you have 15 seconds on pleasure from music starting now.

KW: When I listen to the wonderful requiem of...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two wonderfuls.

NP: Yes you had wonderful when you were talking...

KW: Well it's a wonder that I got anything out at all! All this stupid interruption! It's an absolute disgrace! You all know it! You just keep on picking! It's disgusting! And you're all jealous because I'm winning, that's all!

NP: You're not winning now, Derek Nimmo's winning!

KW: I'm in the lead! I'm in the lead!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: For the sake of our listeners who can't see Kenneth Williams, I must explain. He then was so overcome he decided to preen himself and fell off his chair in the process! So Derek Nimmo has the subject, there are 10 seconds left, pleasure from music starting now.

DN: One of the greatest pleasures I've derived from listening to music is listening to the Gangland Orchestra...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two listens.

NP: What was that?

KW: Two listens.

NP: That's right.

DN: One listen, one listening.

NP: There are six seconds...

KW: Oh was it? Oh I beg your pardon. Oh I do, oh I humbly, oh I humbly apologise Derek! I hope I didn't put you off your stroke?

NP: Where's this new Kenneth Williams sprung from?

KW: No, he's smashing! I've always had a soft spot for him!

NP: Will you please keep that for after the programme?

KW: I'm sorry.

NP: Derek, six seconds, pleasure from music starting now.

DN: The last night at the Proms, how one used to enjoy Sir Thomas Beacham and all those fantastic people...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of enjoy.

NP: Yes.

KW: And deviation, he's not old enough to have seen Thomas Beacham!

NP: That's how little you know!

KW: Oh I do know!

NP: All right, one second for Peter Jones on the pleasure from music starting now.

PJ: You don't get any buzzing!

WHISTLE

KW: But what about The Flight Of The Bumble-Bee?

NP: At the end of that round, with a lot of points scored, including one to Derek, no, one to Peter Jones for speaking as the whistle went, Derek Nimmo's in the lead, one ahead of Peter Jones, two ahead of Kenneth Williams and they're a few ahead of John Junkin. And Derek Nimmo your turn to begin. The subject, Heath Robinson contraptions, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Heath Robinson was a cartoonist, artist, a man of wit and invention. I suppose the Emmett of his day. He died some, what, 20, 30 years ago, I suppose. But during this time, his word, his name passed into the language. A Heath Robinson contraption means...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Repetition of Heath Robinson.

NP: Oh you're allowed to repeat what's on the card.

JJ: Are you? Nobody tells me the rules! I only came in to replace someone.

NP: Well very few people here know the rules.

JJ: Ah! Oh good! I'm glad you explained that to me Nicholas. I'll go back to sleep!

PJ: Quite a few of the rules haven't yet been made!

NP: And a lot of those that have have been unmade! Um John we don't charge for that and Derek keeps the subject, Heath Robinson contraptions starting now

DN: Well...

NP: Forty-five seconds by the way, starting now.

DN: The sort of Heath Robinson contraption that comes to mind is that wonderful idea he had for removing prune stones from the small of ones back. A series of engines were gathered together, motivated by steam power, and some had tiny little elves underneath the lower knots of the fourth particle underneath the side...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Two underneaths.

NP: There were two underneaths John, that's a right challenge! Sorry, it's not a right challenge, I'm sorry... That is a correct challenge, that's a right challenge as well perhaps, I don't know. There are 23 seconds, Heath Robinson contraptions starting now.

JJ: Heath Robinson, and I am speaking of Heath Robinson the artist and inventor, and not Heath Robinson our greengrocer, or Heath Robinson who is a milkman I used to know in Devizes. Another Heath Robinson I was in the Army with. This Heath Robinson had nothing to do with the other Heath Robinsons, nor did he have anything to do with the Heath Robinson...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Well he said anything to do with twice.

NP: And he also deviated from Heath Robinson contraptions, because some of them haven't got any contraptions, the ones he has...

PJ: Well we don't know about the man in Devizes!

JJ: Exactly! I was getting on to that when you stopped me!

NP: Well I'm glad you didn't after that. Right there are two seconds for you Peter, correct challenge, Heath Robinson contraptions starting now.

PJ: He invented incredible things...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point, he's now one ahead of Derek Nimmo and he's our leader. And er John Junkin beginning the next round. The subject, the greatest President of the USA.

JJ: This is a subject...

NP: Just a second, I always say now and then Ian Messiter...

JJ: I know! It's ever so boring!

NP: Totally boring but Ian Messiter can't start the watch unless I do, you see. Then we can't get the accurate time.

JJ: What I want to know is who starts Ian Messiter?

NP: That is a very good question and it's yet to be discovered! Letters on a postcard please, addressed to the BBC. And um any ideas we will gladly react to. There are 60 seconds on the great, sorry, the greatest President of the USA starting now.

JJ: This is a subject which has caused great discussion and dissension throughout the civilised world because all the Presidents have at one or another time been nominated for this specific title. There are those who believe that Abraham Lincoln with his inspired Gettysburg Address was possibly the one who should be the chief contender. There are those who believe that for sheer unmitigated...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of believe.

NP: Yes, believe twice. Thirty-three seconds for you Derek on the subject of the greatest President of the USA starting now.

DN: I think possibly Washington was the greatest President the Americas have ever seen. Born of an old Northamptonshire family, you can still visit his house there today. And what is terribly interesting is to think that the coat of arms of this particular group of people encompasses within it a star and a stripe which possibly went on to become the foundation...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of possibly.

NP: Yes. Ah Peter you have the subject, there are 12 seconds on the greatest President of the USA starting now.

PJ: Well I've been thinking about this while the others were speaking. And I can't suggest anyone better for this marvellous... post...

BUZZ

NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes I agree.

PJ: Yes there was hesitation yes.

NP: John you have three seconds for the greatest President of the USA starting now.

JJ: The Watergate scandal has made many people...

WHISTLE

NP: What a phrase on which to finish the round and alas finish the contest. But John Junkin said it and the whistle went at that moment. He gained an extra point for doing so and as we've reached the end of the show, I'll give you the final score. Kenneth Williams who gave his usual good value came in fourth place. He was just behind John Junkin, our guest who did extremely well and was probably our most vociferous new guest for a long time.

KW: Yes! Exactly!

NP: Derek Nimmo was a few points ahead of him but he was one point behind Peter Jones!

KW: Hooray!

NP: So we come to the end of another round and another contest and another show of Just A Minute. We do hope you've enjoyed it, we've enjoyed playing it as usual and we hope you'll want to tune in again. From all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.