JAM:CFreud,PJones,JMarsh,WMitchell
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES, JEAN MARSH and WARREN MITCHELL, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 17 September 1973)

NOTE: Warren Mitchell's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Warren Mitchell and Jean Marsh in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And we're delighted to welcome back Warren Mitchell and Jean Marsh to play the game with Peter Jones and Clement Freud, who have played it so often before. Once again they're going to try and speak if they can on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the show this week with Clement Freud. And Clement, the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of is cobber. Would you talk on cobber for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Cobber is the sort of thing that nice people are called in Australia. You don't say "good morning sir", "good afternoon gentleman". Or anything of that kind. Cobber suffices. Taxi drivers are hailed by that name. Bus conductors stop when you address them as... I am sorry, I said address before. I think somebody ought to buzz. I'll buzz myself.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, you've challenged yourself.

CF: I repeat, I repeated myself and being a totally honest man...

NP: Well you were listening extremely well, much better than everybody else! You get a point for a correct challenge and you keep... And there are 33 seconds left on cobber with you starting now.

CF: Does your mother take in washing? Has she sold her mangle? What's become of the old piano your sister used to strangle? Has your father plenty of work? Does he still get boozed too? Tell me all the particulars and stop as long as you used to. Is a song that cobbers never sing because it's totally English and dates from the late 19th century music hall stage. In Australia...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of Australia.

NP: Yes you said that right at the beginning I'm afraid Clement. Cobber having something to do with an Australian word. Don't look so mystified.

CF: Australian!

NP: You did say Australia.

CF: Australian.

NP: And Peter Jones has got a correct challenge...

CF: Australian, he hasn't!

NP: And there are 10 seconds left...

CF: The adjectival clause of Australia!

NP: ...starting now.

PJ: I have heard this word murmured, even shouted, occasionally in Earl's Court. And down the main road, there in the evening on Saturdays...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up. And as you know whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. It was on this particular occasion Peter Jones, so he has the lead at the end of that round. And Peter will you begin the next round, the subject, serials. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Cereals, well yes. I think it's regrettable that they have, more or less, replaced bacon and eggs as the traditional English breakfast. I don't think they're nearly as nourishing or appetising. There's no smell from them to come down to, to get you out of bed and into the dining room or breakfast room as the case may be. And of course...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. The buzzer didn't come on, but he did actually challenge. Clement?

PJ: Well how is he doing it? Telepathy?

NP: Would you press your buzzer a bit harder Clement, see if it's working properly.

PJ: Perhaps he'd like a man to press the buzzer?

CF: Yes, a runner!

NP: A runner yes. Clement press it again please, see if the buzzer's working.

CF: It was a lukewarm challenge really, which is why you saw it and didn't hear it.

NP: Yes but the light came on so I have to...

CF: It was repetition of room.

NP: It was repetition of room. I'm afraid, yes.

BUZZ

NP: And your buzzer is working properly. So press it and then the listeners particularly know that er you've challenged or anybody else. Clement there are 37 seconds on cereals with you now starting now.

CF: One of my favourite serials is called The Four Marys. And this is about... that number...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged.

JEAN MARSH: A petite hesitation.

NP: Well I would have thought...

JM: But as he's so experienced, I don't think he should do it at all.

NP: So therefore it wouldn't be petite, would it? It would be very definite. But still Jean I agree with the challenge, you have a point and you have 29 seconds on serials with you starting now.

JM: When I sit under the drier at the hairdressers, it's always my bad luck to get the Mat Weekly magazine and not the glossy monthly. But in that said article, there is usually a serial. You do never need to read the actual story. All you need to do is...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I'm sorry, repetition of need.

NP: On need, you had too much need. You were needing too hard Jean. And Clement has a correct challenge, another point, and 10 seconds for serials starting now.

CF: Grapenuts are very hard to find these days...

BUZZ

NP: Jean Marsh has challenged.

JM: They're not at all, they're at every single shop in the High Street!

NP: Jean...

CF: I hesitated about advertising. But you endorsed without any...

JM: I didn't endorse, I merely endorsed the High Street.

NP: She has a correct challenge and there are five seconds...

PJ: They're not moving, they're just in the High Street. He can't get them across!

NP: Five seconds, Jean, cereals starting now.

JM: I don't like them really because they're too noisy, all that snap, crackle, pop is far...

WHISTLE

NP: Jean was then speaking when the whistle went, and she's moved into the lead, alongside Clement Freud at the end of that round, Peter Jones one point behind, and Warren Mitchell yet to score. Right, Jean Marsh is now going to begin the next round and the subject is the listeners. Would you talk about them Jean for one minute if you can starting now.

JM: I know quite a lot about them. I know them to be attractive, intelligent...

BUZZ

NP: Warren Mitchell has challenged.

WARREN MITCHELL: Know know, Nanette!

JM: Yes!

WM: A couple of knows in there.

NP: I have to accept the challenge because it was a correct one and there are 55 seconds for you now on...

WM: She gets away with murder with that innocent look, doesn't she!

NP: I know she does, but she's not getting away with it this time!

WM: No!

NP: Because you've got the point and you have 55 seconds on the listeners starting now.

WM: The listeners, I'm... very pleased... to find as many...

BUZZ

NP: Someone's pressed and no light's come on! Who...

WM: I'll go on then! I am delighted to find listeners wherever they are because I'm a tremendous talker, at least not a listener...

NP: No, no, you can't go on, Jean Marsh actually challenged.

WM: Was it? Oh you found out?

NP: I found out, yes. She pressed too gently.

JM: An extreme case of hesitation.

WM: You vindictive thing, you! Yes?

NP: Yes!

JM: I'm not vindictive, I'm fond of your work.

WM: (laughs) You show a remarkable lack of good taste, madam!

NP: She has the subject back at the end of a legitimate challenge so Jean you have 45 seconds for the listeners starting now.

JM: I know a lot about them because I'm one myself...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of I know a lot about them.

NP: Yes, that's how you started last time.

JM: Was it?

NP: Yes.

JM: Oh I do hope I don't start next time like that!

NP: Well you'll soon be pulled up if you do. Clement Freud you have a point and the subject and 43 seconds on the listeners starting now.

CF: The listeners is the plural of the Listener. Which is a magazine published by the British Broadcasting Corporation who, and I had no idea of this until quite recently, are permitted to use anything which is said on the radio, for a fee of 50 percent of that received when you... spoke it...

BUZZ

NP: Warren Mitchell has challenged.

WM: Yes it was a hesitation there.

NP: Yes it was.

CF: Very true, very true.

NP: He was searching for another way to express...

CF: Was that not interesting?

PJ: It is.

WM: One of the most fascinating....

NP: It was interesting but from the look on the audience's faces I would have thought quite the reverse. So um Warren I agree with your challenge and you have a point and of course 20, of course with the point, 23 seconds on the listeners starting now.

WM: The idea of anyone paying 50 percent of what I am receiving for this programme to publish these immortal words in that magazine published by the British...

BUZZ

WM: Publish!

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

WM: Publish! (makes raspberry noise) I slowly deflate...

NP: You published a bit too much, didn't you?

CF: Repetition of publish.

NP: And so Clement has 12 seconds on the listeners starting now.

CF: These are people who sit with their ears open, their eyes aghast, their mouths...

BUZZ

NP: Ah someone's challenged again without the light. It must be you Jean, can you try that?

JM: Yeah I...

BUZZ

NP: That's it, yes.

JM: But your eyes can't be aghast...

NP: No, that's right.

JM: ... and your ears are always open. I mean you can't actually pin them... well you probably can, they're quite large! But most of us can't!

NP: I agree Jean, you cannot apply that adjective to eyes.

CF: Why can your eyes not be...

NP: How do you make your eyes aghast?

CF: This is radio!

WM: How did Peter Brough do a ventriloquist act on radio all the time?

CF: Will you sit back very carefully now and watch?

NP: All right, the listeners now have already been phoning in and saying we weren't aghast in the eye. So Jean has a point and she has five seconds on the listeners starting now.

JM: At the beginning of the year I was burgled, and my television set was stolen, so hence I became one of the listeners. I have many...

WHISTLE

NP: Jean Marsh giving us a horrible admission of how she first started listening to radio gained an extra point when the whistle went. But she has moved into the lead at the end of that round ahead of Clement Freud. Congratulations! Clement, your turn to begin. Ian Messiter's thought of the subject of my stopcock for you. Would you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Some months ago I was driving my car down a small country lane in Wales, when I chanced to kill a rooster who had unfortunately projected himself beneath the...

BUZZ

NP: Warren Mitchell has challenged.

WM: We can see the end of this tedious piece of, of, of, of, of, of spurious reasoning. I mean, you know, stop cock really, but that's not the stopcock that he's referring to. My stopcock, is it?

NP: You can interpret it in any way providing it sounds accurate according to what is said, not what is written. So what we'll do is we won't, um, charge any points for that...

WM: Because I haven't got any for you to take off!

NP: You've got two actually!

WM: Have I really? When did I get those?

NP: Clement keeps the subject, there are 47 seconds on my stopcock starting now.

CF: So feeling slightly guilty about this ravaging of livestock in rural countrysides, I stopped and went up to the farm house. And an awfully nice woman came out, and I said "look I'm terribly sorry, I have run over your cockerel. Will you permit me to replace it?" And she said "help yourself, the hen's around the back!"

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: I mention this simply to show that there are other endings from those which Warren Mitchell suggested when I began. The stopcock is the sort of thing you see in the street, in front of which you may not park your car, otherwise...

BUZZ

NP: Warren Mitchell has challenged.

WM: Totally untrue! I've never seen a stopcock in the street. I think you're thinking of a hose thing.

NP: Oh dear...

WM: Aren't you?

NP: But a...

CF: A hose thing! Of course! I meant to say hose thing!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: But I...

CF: How silly of me!

NP: I think those...

CF: Fancy saying stopcock when you mean hose thing!

WM: I'm glad you've learnt something today Clement!

NP: How to be sarcastic to people who haven't played the game before very much.

WM: It's all right. You can't insult me, I'm too ignorant!

NP: I think the hose thing as a stopcock on it actually.

WM: Does it? Well yours might, mate, but I don't know about mine!

NP: Well I don't think he did deviate. So well tried. We'll give him a point for that and leave the subject with him, 10 seconds left Clement starting now.

CF: With who?

NP: You!

WM: Now!

BUZZ

NP: You've been challenged by Peter Jones.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes!

WM: I'll have half that point please Peter!

NP: I couldn't leave the subject with anybody else because no-one else has spoken about it except you Clement, so I must allow Peter his challenge. Nine seconds to go Peter, my stopcock starting now.

PJ: The one we have at home is in a very inaccessible position. One has to stand on a box in order to get at it and it's terribly stiff...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones gains the extra point and he has moved forward into third place. And Peter would you begin the next round, the subject, long distance calls. After you were talking about, the other week, being cut off on your telephone, Ian's thought of this one for you and will you start now.

PJ: Well long distance calls don't necessarily mean on the telephone. In fact nowadays it's very often much quicker to go there in person, particularly if it's in the far east. Malaysia, or New Zealand, somewhere of that kind, one can actually often fly there and get there ahead of the telephone call. Well I don't see, it seems to me anyway that the other people are...

BUZZ

NP: Warren Mitchell has challenged.

PJ: Ah! I thought he'd nodded off!

WM: Yes, I reckon that was a slight hesitation there.

NP: A slight hesitation!

WM: We let one go and he did, he still stumbled .

NP: Warren you got in with your challenge first, 34 seconds on the long, long distance calls starting now.

WM: Aunt Ethel who lives in Hommerton was famous for her long distance calls. She could stand in Mayor Street, Hackney, and scream at the top of her voice (shouts) "Johnny!" (normal voice) Just like that she would go off. (shouts) "Fred!" (normal voice) Or (shouts) "Harry!" (normal voice) She had an enormous family. If they were over Wanstad Flats which they quite often were on a Sunday morning, she could get, if she'd got lunch or tea or supper, she could quite often get them home simply by opening her enormous bush or cake hole...

WHISTLE

NP: We were so enjoying it, we let you go past the 60 seconds actually. For once...

WM: I was suffering agonies and torment!

NP: I know! That's why we let it go! It was lovely to watch it. But once you opened your cake hole, well then of course we couldn't resist it. Ian blew his whistle and he told us that 60, er, that 70 seconds was up. And um you have gained the extra point and you have moved forward but you are still in fourth place! One point behind Peter Jones, two behind Jean Marsh, and er, one behind Clement Freud. And Jean would you begin the next round, the subject, what I get when I try. Would you er, oh what a devious subject. Yes would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

JM: What I get when I try, sometimes very tired, sometimes more than I'd bargained for. I find that I enjoy what I get when I don't try much more than what I get when I do try. Because I'm so exhausted by the time I get it if I try...

BUZZ

NP: Warren Mitchell has challenged.

WM: Sometimes twice, it went...

JM: Three or four times!

WM: I was going to let it go but the audience were muttering and there was a kind of threat of er a revolution...

NP: Yes... Well I thought that was a very clever way of being sort of gallant and sporting. His challenge, her slip-up came right at the beginning, but he let it go until she'd had a good old bash for...

WM: I can't...

JM: It's the only time he has been gallant and sporting!

NP: Eighteen seconds... and so you've got 42 left, what I get when I try Warren starting now.

WM: I get nothing at all when I try! I find it better to relax and just let it all happen. Because tenseness, muscular tension can be devastating to creative effort and so when I... make this... attempt at...

BUZZ

WM: ...hesitating!

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well I thought there was a slight hesitation.

NP: Right there are 22 seconds for you Peter on what I get when I try starting now.

PJ: What I get when I really try is that warm feeling of smugness that comes from knowing you've done your very best, and spared nothing and no-one. And I don't have it very often! It is an experience...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I just wanted to commiserate!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Well that's very sweet of you! Is it another point to me?

NP: Yes that's a wrong challenge and you have four seconds on what I get when I try...

CF: I hope in the future you will get it more frequently!

PJ: Thank you very much!

NP: Four seconds left starting now.

PJ: And I'm going to do my very best this evening, if I possibly can...

WHISTLE

NP: Well with generous feelings emanating from Clement Freud in that round, gaining Peter another point just before the whistle, another point on the whistle, he's moved forward, equal with Clement Freud at the end of that round. Jean Marsh, one point behind. Warren, three points behind. Ah Warren Mitchell, your turn to begin, the subject, keeping a bird. You can take that in many ways, there are 60 seconds starting now.

WM: Well I'll take it in the purest and most innocent way possible. Johnny Speight who you may have heard of has a hobby. He keeps birds, he has a house full of birds, the two legged feathered variety. He has a mynah and a parrot. And he saw the same bird that I just mentioned in a shop window. And he went in. And he stutters so don't accuse me of hesitation! He went into this shop and he said "H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well as he warned you the stutter was coming up, I think it was a very ungentlemanly challenge.

CF: No, he warned us that we should not treat it as hesitation.

JM: Yes he did!

NP: Warren we'll hear the rest of the story, but be careful, 32 seconds on keeping a bird starting now.

WM: He went into this shop and said "how much is that p-p-p-p-p-p-p--p-p-p-parrot in the window?" And the bloke who was the proprietor said "it's 600 pounds, sir". And Johnny Speight said "th-th-th-th-that's a lo-lo-lo-lo-lot of money for a p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p... one of them birds there." And this...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

WM: He said "for so much g-g-gilt, can that creature up there t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-talk?" And the bloke in the shop said "a jolly sight better than you sir!"

WHISTLE

NP: Well you hardly played Just A Minute when you were telling the story, but the audience obviously enjoyed it so much, it was worth having it. And if you're listening Johnny Speight, er...

WM: Get well soon!

NP: And all our love to the birds! Lisbon is our subject Clement...

CF: I hope you'll keep trying for it!

NP: Talk about it, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Lisbon is the capital city of Portugal, and contains one of the very best restaurants in which I've ever been. A place which has on its menu smoked swordfish which is a fantastic delicacy. Light pink in colour, having some of the elegance of salmon, tainted with a little eel, and served with black pepper, lemon juice and whipped cream...

BUZZ

NP: Warren Mitchell's challenged.

WM: I'm getting so hungry sitting here! Can I send out for a salt beef sandwich while this is going on?

NP: So what's your challenge?

WM: No challenge. I'm just, my tummy's rumbling, that's all! I haven't had time for dinner yet! I'll sacrifice the point. It was a wrong challenge but I had to say it!

PJ: You could have tried deviation, because he's concentrating on this one single meal in this one restaurant.

NP: I'm going to charge nothing because Warren's hunger overcame him.

WM: That's right.

NP: Leave the subject with Clement who has 33 seconds on Lisbon starting now.

CF: But I don't want to confine myself to one meal in one restaurant. There is a coach museum on the outskirts of the city where the most beautiful Victorian hansom...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of city.

CF: Yeah.

NP: Yes, all right Peter, you have er 22 seconds on Lisbon starting now.

PJ: Well I've never been to Lisbon and know very little about it. But if I can possibly avoid it, it's not going to stop me from talking about it for at least 20 minutes if I have an opportunity to do so without repeating myself or deviating or in fact wandering off this fascinating subject. Because it was founded, you may not realise this, many years ago...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter you kept going magnificently and you've taken the lead at the end of that round. And you begin the next round, the subject, what I dig. Sixty seconds starting now.

PJ: What I dig is not very much. Nothing like the cares that people till when they're cultivating agriculturally or even in their gardens. But a little window box or even pot indoors is enough for me. I just turn the soil over with a small ladylike spade or even a fork, possibly even um er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Too much even tilling of the soil.

NP: Yes he couldn't think of anything else to turn his soil over with. Ah 34 seconds are left for what I dig, Clement with you starting now.

CF: What I dig is an Australian mating call which you're likely to hear from Perth to Brisbane, not including Sydney, Melbourne and the outskirts of such suburban areas which I've previously mentioned. "What I dig", they say, which is like cobber, a subject which I remember talking about some months ago, without much success. What I dig personally is red hair and green eyes. I simply cannot get enough. Pasty faces ideally...

WHISTLE

NP: I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute so let me tell you the final score. Which was that Warren Mitchell, returning from his former triumphs came...

WM LAUGHS

NP: Yes, remember last time he finished a magnificent fourth. This time he's finished a stupendous third.

WM: Oh!

NP: Alongside Jean Marsh.

WM: And where better?

NP: And where better? Yes! Actually whether they were in third place or in second place is according to the way you look at these sort of results. But they were equal, I would say in second place, behind our two equal winners this week, Peter Jones and Clement Freud! We, we hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Cassels.