JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,DJacobs
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and DAVID JACOBS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 September 1973)

NOTE: David Jacobs's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and David Jacobs in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again we're delighted to welcome back after a few weeks break David Jacobs who has come back to do battle once again against Derek, Peter and Clement who have played the game for two or three years. Oh and Peter, oh, I'll just remind you of course. They are going to speak again if they can on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And we'll begin the show this week with Peter Jones. And the subject is a night on the tiles. Would you talk about it now, 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: Oh it's a delightful old phrase, Edwardian even Victorian perhaps. Describing as it does probably the kind of picture that Donald MacGill drew for those postcards of fat beery faced men leaning against bending lampposts and possibly wearing old fashioned evening dress...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of possibly.

NP: Derek Nimmo had a correct challenge so he gains a point and he takes over the subject and there are 42 seconds Derek, for a night on the tiles starting now.

DN: Well I think a night on the tiles would be frightfully uncomfortable! Can you imagine going up the staircase, up the drainpipe, on to the roof...

BUZZ

NP: David Jacobs...

DN: Not ups again?

DAVID JACOBS: Yes, up and up.

NP: Yes so we give him the up and a point, 34 seconds, a night on the tiles David starting now.

DJ: My cat is a very large blue Persian called Smoky with large mouth...

BUZZ

DJ: Oh!

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of large.

NP: Yes, everything was too large.

DJ: Yes it is a very large cat.

NP: There are 28 seconds, a night on the tiles Derek, starting now.

DN: Emerging from the skylight with one's pillow, a blanket, and a nice clean sheet, I lie on the tiles looking up at the clouds...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. What is your challenge?

CLEMENT FREUD: Another up!

NP: Yes! Eighteen seconds for you Clement on a night on the tiles starting now.

CF: I once saw, in Helsinki, a game of human chess in which there were large marble tiles on the ground and the knights and rook and king...

BUZZ

NP: David Jacobs has challenged.

DJ: I thought he was hesitating.

NP: I would agree and give you the subject back, and say you have three seconds, a night on the tiles David starting now.

DJ: The roof of the house is brick...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of the first round, David Jacobs has a lead over the others. And Clement Freud would you begin the next round, the subject is my best joke. Sixty seconds starting now.

CF: My best joke involves an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Catholic, a nonconformist, two Jews, an alligator...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of Jew.

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

DN: Either, either, either repetition or anti-Semitism!

NP: Or discrimination. Derek, I'll tell you what we'll do. The audience enjoyed that so much we give you one of those bonus points we occasionally award for a clever challenge but as he didn't deviate, he should keep the subject. There are 46 seconds on my best joke Clement starting now.

CF: And the third man from the left said to his friend, "would you, given the chance, take the bathroom plug, place it on the back of a tortoise, and remove yourself to Penzance..."

BUZZ

NP: David Jacobs has challenged.

DJ: Well as a matter of fact, I'm awfully sorry about this Clement, but I have actually, in honesty, heard you tell a very much better story than this one!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

CF: I think, in all honesty, I've got to admit I never tell the same joke twice, and this is currently my best joke.

NP: You see, there is always an answer to justify everything, isn't there, which gives the chairman an impossible situation...

PJ: Just don't tell us any of the not-so-good jokes!

NP: I think I'll do what I did before, give David Jacobs a point for a good challenge...

CF: No, no, let him...

NP: All right, then give him the subject as well with a point, 34 seconds David, my best joke starting now.

DJ: Peter Murray, who is a joke himself, his vital statistics because he's played so many gramophone records are 33, 45 and 78, and that's only his head, was once seen bending over Mick Jagger who was lying at the back of the stage...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation.

DJ: This is my best joke!

NP: Can you justify your deviation?

DN: Yes I'm sorry... ( starts to laugh)

NP: If your mind is a s bad as that...

DN: (laughing) Yes I withdraw. Can that be erased from the programme?

NP: The audience didn't laugh so they don't know what, what is going on in your mind. Only you know that and you're laughing at your own filthy joke so we'll let David Jacobs have a point for a wrong challenge and say there are 16 seconds left, my best joke David starting now.

DJ: His head was on...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: He's had his head, repetition of head.

NP: His head, yes, you gave the vital statistics of his head before.

DJ: You're quite right.

NP: Yes, 14 seconds Derek, my best joke starting now.

DN: Into this little church In Ireland came... from a circus...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree Clement, you have nine seconds on my best joke starting now.

CF: And the bus conductor said "there are no more twopenny tickets". And the woman explained "I keep my..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: It's not, we've already established his best joke, he was talking about the tortoise.

NP: Yes.

DN: It's got nothing to do with the tortoise, now we're talking about a bus conductor...

NP: I think I would agree with you, this is a different joke. And so he, you have three seconds now on my best joke starting now.

DN: Two monks passing one another in the street...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: It doesn't seem like the same joke he started...

NP: No, he didn't start out the same...

DN: Well it was the church. I only got as far as the church...

NP: You said two monks going down the street. The other time...

DN: Well they were outside the church! They were just coming out!

NP: No, no, you said a church!

DJ: Anyway it was a repetition of monks, wasn't it? If he can't have two Jews, you can't have two monks!

DN: No, the priest! The priest was inside, the monks were coming in to see him.

CF: If you had two...

DN: No, I'll tell you the end of it! As they come in...

CF: It wasn't the same joke!

NP: It wasn't the same joke!

DN: The same joke!

NP: If you like, I'll put it to the audience.

DN: I just wouldn't like Clement to miss the joke!

NP: Shall I put it to the audience? Would you like me to put it to the audience?

DN: Put it to the audience, I don't mind.

CF: Cheer for Derek coming in!

NP: All right, I must, I think it was a different joke. If you think it was, will you cheer. And if you think it wasn't the same joke, in other words you're on Derek Nimmo's side, you boo, and all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: God you are un... aren't you. Derek Nimmo, they're on your side, you have another point and two seconds on my best joke starting now.

DN: My best joke would be very well received if I was allowed to tell it...

WHISTLE

NP: Well with a little partisanship on the part of the audience there, they helped Derek Nimmo to gain a number of points in that round...

CF: I thought all the audience actually!

NP: Well most of them anyway. And so he has a lead at the end of that round. Well done. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round and the subject is amusing guests. That's rather apt, isn't it, for that subject to come up. And would you talk on it, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Frightfully important to have amusing guests. We have one tonight on this programme. Mister David Jacobs. And how pleasant it is for us to have him here at the Victims. Normally he lords it on that radio programme that he has and shouts at everybody, bosses everybody...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of programme.

NP: Yes yes, and I don't think he shouts and...

PJ: I like programmes to be repeated, but in this instance I don't want...

BUZZ

NP: Peter you have a point and the subject, 45 seconds, amusing guests starting now.

PJ: I can remember thousands of them. And I'll try and give you their names... George...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Peter you didn't try hard enough!

PJ: No, no!

NP: Clement Freud's challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

PJ: The idea rather amused me and I got carried away by it.

NP: Thirty-nine seconds Clement, on amusing guests starting now.

CF: I've always found that at dinner parties, the best way of amusing guests is to get a poached egg and balance it on your head while you serve champagne cocktails, red wine and white liqueur to those assembled in your sitting room or wherever it is that you are producing the celebrities to which you have invited them. But there are people who consider truffles are much more suitable. A friend of mine called Wilfred R Henson...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I don't believe there are any people who believe that it's better to put truffles on your head than poached egg!

CF: Truffles are much cleaner!

NP: Utterly ridiculous! I quite agree Peter! I don't know what he was talking about but...

CF: We were talking about the comparative merits of truffles and poached eggs...

PJ: On your head!

NP: You're talking of the subject of amusing guests and that is the subject. So Peter has a point and he has um 12 seconds starting now.

PJ: And if you can balance something on your nose, as you serve these various sweetmeats and other delicacies, savouries, bits of things on biscuits, crackers, toast...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones got some points in that round and he's moved forward. Alas he's still in fourth place. David Jacobs and Clement Freud are equal in second place, both two points behind Derek Nimmo. Peter Jones will you begin the next round. The subject, New York. Would you talk about it, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: I happen to like New York. It's got a very bad press lately, but I think it's a great pity that they haven't publicised some of the marvellous things about the city like the free theatre in Central Park where great stars like George C Scott and Stacey...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of like.

NP: Yes I'm afraid there were. I think it's a tough challenge but there we are. Clement you have the subject, and you have 43 seconds on New York starting now.

CF: One of the most extraordinary things about New York is that people say beware of muggers. And when I was last there, I did in fact heed this advice very carefully...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of advice.

DN: No.

NP: No, no.

PJ: Wasn't it? Didn't he repeat advice?

NP: No.

PJ: Oh it must be an echo!

NP: Sorry Peter. Thirty-four seconds, Clement.

CF: Walking down Sixth Avenue at dusk, I brushed against a man and suddenly thought "my wallet!" I put my hand inside my jacket pocket and discovered the receptacle of my notes had in fact disappeared. Followed the person hurrying away, grasped him by the neck and said "give it to me!" And he was awfully decent and returned it. I went to my hotel, looked at it, and found that it was his! And not mine! And then looking through another suit, I discovered that...

WHISTLE

NP: Well whether it was true or not Clement, it was a very good story and er it's also gained you a point...

CF: Then I found my own wallet in the suit I'd worn the previous day.

NP: So...

CF: And in fact the man thought that I was mugging him!

NP: A very strange story!

CF: Yes!

NP: And you begin the next round Clement. What I would say if I were not on the air. That's a good subject that Ian's thought of, isn't it. Clement will you talk on it, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: If you're wanting to put a shine,
In the highest that he'd climb
Of a man of culture rare,
You must... set out...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was.

CF: Only as this was what I would do if I were not on the air. You're absolutely allowed to repeat yourself...

NP: At the present moment you are on the air playing Just A Minute...

CF: Oh I see.

NP: ...talking about what I would say if I were not on the air. So...

CF: Neatly thought out!

NP: Fifty-two seconds on what I would say if I were not on the air Derek starting now.

DN: What I would say if I was not on the air...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: If I were not on the air, so deviation.

NP: What I would say if I were not on the air.

CF: And he said "if I was not".

DN: I did.

NP: Yes so Derek, Clement, you have another point and there are 47 seconds on what I would say if I were not on the air starting now.

CF: What I would say if I were not on the air would be practically nothing at all, because it would be so totally worthless. No cheque would come at the end of the week. No director would wave at me requesting me to finish my monologue. Derek Nimmo, David Jacobs, Peter Jones would ignore me totally because we would not be panellists together on this great game of Just A Minute which goes out on Thursdays and Tuesdays and as often as not in New Zealand, Cyprus, South Africa, let alone Australia, is repeated at regular intervals...

BUZZ

NP: David Jacobs has challenged.

DJ: I think he said repeated. Repeated repeated!

NP: Ah...

DJ: Repeated repeated.

NP: It goes out, he said it goes out on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But he didn't say it was repeated on Thursday from being originated on Tuesday.

DJ: Ah alas!

NP: It did sound repetitious if it was going out so often...

DJ: It did!

NP: I quite agree yes. It was a very repetitious thought but he didn't actually repeat anything.

PJ: Sounded very boring actually too! Sounded rather worse even than the stuff he talks when he's on the air!

NP: Actually Peter, I wasn't bored, I was thinking of all the money I might be getting if it was true, what he was saying.

PJ: Ah I see, yes. Yes well I wasn't thinking of that.

NP: Well all right, then we'll get on with the game. Fourteen seconds still with you Clement, what I would say if I were not on the air starting now.

CF: Being tone dumb or unable to produce a note, if I were not on the air, I would not say so much but sing. Nobody has ever heard me produce a note and this is something which is very...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I've heard him produce a note. Crackle crackle it went as it came out of his wallet!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: One of those difficult decisions because you've now twisted the whole thing and I think he was quite clearly talking about musical notes. So I must give him a point and say there's half a second left, what I would say if I were not on the air for half a second starting now.

CF: Good evening.

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud's been doing a lot of talking just recently and you will not be surprised to hear he's gained a lot of points and he has a commanding lead at the end of that round. David Jacobs will you begin the next round, the subject is mice. Will you go on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

DJ: Mice are small rodents. They have four legs. You find them in various places like cupboards where you keep food. If you see them there, they leave little calling cards. Little...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: They leave little calling cards whether you see them there or not!

LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: But I think it would be perfectly true to say that if they saw you there, they'd be so frightened they'd leave a very big calling card! So whether they see you or not they still leave calling cards and um, more likely to be if they see you there. So 47 seconds, still with you David, mice starting now.

DJ: Small black pellets...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Repetition of small.

NP: Yes.

DJ: No, I said little! I said little, I didn't say small.

NP: No, that's right. So Derek, wrong challenge, and David Jacobs keeps the subject and there are...

CF: Small rodents to begin with.

NP: Yes but that's too late now. There are 44 seconds left on mice starting now.

DJ: Harvest mice, field mice, house mice, mice being the plural of mouse. If you see several mice, you know that you are in trouble and I (starts to laugh)...

BUZZ

DJ: Carry on when Derek Nimmo is leaning round, staring at you!

DN: I wasn't looking at you!

DJ: He was looking all mousey eyed at me!

NP: Yes! You were in real trouble David. The audience knew it, you knew it. And Derek Nimmo knew it, he looked right at you because he's sitting beside you. Derek you have the subject, there's 32 seconds, mice starting now.

DN: I'm absolutely plagued with mice at the moment! My house is ridden with them! I'm nigh (goes into gibberish) But I'm sometimes...

BUZZ

DN: ...looking at a face with hair and whiskers! Shut up! Go on! Go on!

NP: David Jacobs challenged you first.

DJ: Absolute load of rubbish and bleurgh!

NP: Yes hesitation.

DJ: I didn't like that.

NP: There are 26 seconds David on mice starting now.

DJ: My children used to keep white mice with little pink...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of little.

NP: Yes.

DJ: Quite right!

NP: Yes, this time he's right, 22 seconds, mice Clement starting now.

CF: My children used to keep little white mice with small noses in cages which were fashioned of wood and wire and shavings. Also sawdust so that these mice...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: The cage wasn't fashioned with sawdust. It may be filled with it but it can't have been fashioned with it.

NP: Well done Peter, you have the subject, and there are seven seconds for you on mice starting now.

PJ: When I hear the word mice, my mind goes back to that great and good man, Saint Martin, who befriended so many...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh Peter was speaking when the whistle went but I'm afraid he's still trailing a little. And Clement Freud still has a commanding lead. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, the subject is the local pub. I know you like to write them down, I'll give you time on this occasion. The local pub, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: The local pub is a tremendously English institution. There's nothing quite like that anywhere in the world. I have one very near to me called The Devonshire Arms with a very jolly landlady with whom I'm on most familiar terms. Who greets me with open outstretched... limbs! And crowds them around my neck, gives me a great big kiss on my lips and fills me with excitement as I say "half a bitter please..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: That has got to be deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Well it would be better than kissing the landlord, wouldn't it?

NP: Why shouldn't the landlady kiss him on the lips and fill him with excitement? What's devious about that?

CF: I thought it was the landlord!

PJ: I thought it was too!

NP: Well I think, I thought the landlord was a woman. It doesn't matter, I don't think you were deviating.

PJ: No, you obviously go to the same kind of pub that he goes to!

NP: I must say if she treats all her customers like that, she must have a very exhausting life! Thirty-six seconds on the local pub Derek starting now.

DN: They have a dear slogan on the wall saying "please don't expectorate here" which I think is a charming way of dissuading one from doing something rather nasty. The floor is fashioned with sawdust because (starts to laugh) they put upon it...


BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You can't have a floor fashioned with sawdust!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh! They're feeding it in your hands Peter. Well done, I quite agree.

DN: (can't speak for laughing) Well I only put it in that way...

NP: I know!

CF: Peter's trying to win the game on sawdust!

NP: No, on fashion! There are 18 seconds Peter, for you on the local pub starting now.

PJ: Well the local pub of course is only local to the people living in the vicinity. To everybody else travelling from far away, it's an exciting new place to visit. And so the one that is just round the corner from you may be all to familiar to you and the landlady may...

WHISTLE

NP: Well done Peter, you fashioned your words well then and you finished when the whistle went, got an extra point. And it's your turn to begin, the subject, quiet. Would you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now.

FOUR SECOND SILENCE

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well a rotten one but hesitation. It has to be really, doesn't it.

NP: Yes it does.

PJ: I wasn't hesitating, I was just experiencing it. I wanted, I wanted you to see what it was like to be quiet for a moment or two. Then I was...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Thank you very much! Quite!

NP: I think the audience feel that because of Peter's clever demonstration, he should keep the subject. Would you agree with that, audience?

CF: Yes!

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So I'm going to let him keep the subject and there's 56 seconds on quiet Peter, starting now.

PJ: I'd like to invite you all to a quiet evening, just bring along pregnant silences. Don't have any drinks or food. Just sit around...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter, Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Peter-Derek Nimmo challenged on the repetition of just.

NP: Repetition of what?

CF: Just.

DN: Just.

NP: So Derek you have a point for that challenge and there are 46 seconds left, quiet starting now.

DN: It's terribly difficult to play this game if the chairman is so quiet...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: We know it's terribly difficult to play this game! And we don't want to hear any heart-rending story about it! We just want him to get on and talk about quiet!

NP: So what is your challenge?

PJ: Deviation, he's talking about what a difficult game this is to play!

NP: Yes... So you're...

PJ: Well that's nothing to do with quiet.

NP: But he didn't really have a chance to get under way, did he? All right, I'll give it back to you, because er, and there are 23 seconds Peter with you on quiet starting now.

PJ: And if one could get quiet for long enough, one could perhaps...

BUZZ

NP: David Jacobs challenged.

DJ: Well I think because he's being so silly, he keeps saying one, doesn't he?

CF: And could.

NP: He said could actually. One I wouldn't have allowed but could you can have. Sixteen seconds on quiet with you David starting now.

DJ: It is in...

BUZZ

NP: David, Derek Nimmo.

DN: Sorry, hesitation.

NP: Yes all right Derek, 14 seconds on quiet starting now.

DN: I know the chairman prefers me to be quiet. But sometimes I must say a tiny word to the audience because they perhaps, one, two, maybe even three, might like to hear me utter very quietly and so I sit here entirely...

WHISTLE

NP: Well a very interesting situation at the end of the final round at the end of the show. David Jacobs, returning to play again did extraordinarily well, because he finished in third place equal with Peter Jones, who was the winner last time we were here. But they were only four points behind, actually I've just seen something! They were second because they were only four points behind our equal winners Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Cassels.